#and now i'm in a massively better mental state and i'm trying to eat fruit and veg and protein for every meal

[pinktinselmonstrosity]

are we going to talk about how expensive it is to eat healthily because i feel like i'm losing my mind

[elegantcode]

everything in my life genuinely fucking sucks to the point where it feels like its not even worth trying anymore. i am constantly living in a state of spiral and stress and depression and anxiety. the world is falling apart. i am not well. i can't escape anywhere because my brain won't allow me to make it work anymore.

the safe spaces i've curated over the years are deteriorating before my very eyes. fandom sucks now and is all people accusing each other of this ism or that ism or getting angry that someone ships something different than you. i can barely write anymore, i can't rp like i used to. all my friends are probably going through the same thing because they don't write either while constantly telling me that they want to

i try to explain myself all the time to everyone and it feels like im just yelling inside of a soundproof see-through case. they can see im upset and that i'm distraught and not doing well, but they're not actually listening to the words i'm saying because i've repeated them over and over again and they never acknowledge it

i can't eat the food i want to eat because itll make me sick. i'm afraid of eating new things, and eating the fruits and vegetables that will help me be healthy. i take a breath wrong and i'm falling into a miserable anxiety attack that lasts for weeks on end and sometimes builds up to massive panic attacks. my entire body hurts and aches in ways it never did before and i'm constantly afraid i'm actually dying or that i'll die before i truly am able to leave this hellhole and heal from all the mental damage that's been caused to me through years and years of emotional and physical abuse

i can't take medication, i can't self medicate. i don't have money

i'm overstimulated constantly and trying to find the joy in anything lately is just has no fucking point. whats the point of trying to play a video game if it just overheats my room and my grandpa turns on the heat and screams at me

whats the point of trying to write, if i can't actually write with people or if people won't care about what i write? whats the point of reading or watching tv or movies if everytime i try to talk about it and be excited about something no one listens to me or dismisses me or just straight up ignores what im talking about

i feel fucking invisible and alone and im so tired of being depressed and anxious because its like theres no end in sight and its only going to get worse from here

i've spent every single night of the last week sobbing myself to sleep and just waiting for the next day and hoping itll be better but it never is

its always fucking worse

[ziracona]

so can u tell us a little about ur characterization of Lisa?? What's she like inside and outside of trials? Does she have a lot of lucidity, what were her relationships with others like, would she ever get better, do you think? ( im SAD.) Just. What's she like!! Also, same for Sally? Oh! And I'm rly enjoying two songs by Meg Myers which maybe you'll like? Running up that hill (Cover) and Desire. Maybe check em out? :3 - Sleepy

Sure!

My Lisa is from a bit before the archives for her placed her (early 1970s), because I wrote ILM back when there was no date given for many killers or survivors, so I just hoped they were historically accurate with the things they did mention & went through a fairly exhaustive list of drained swamps in the Southern US & paddleboat makes & placed her according to that data (it’s been a bit so I don’t remember the exact date without looking up my notes) in the 1920s-1930s, I believe? And in her early 20s, since she’s described as a girl & young woman, which DbD usually does only for characters in their early 20s. (Which I’d still assume is her age, bc even though her archives, if you go by them, have her in her teens, they’re not connected to the events of her disappearance/definitely happened before them.)

In trials, Lisa has like 0 lucidity. I talk about this some in chapter notes, so I’ll try to give a quick overview instead but sry if I restart myself. She’s so starved that any time she sees a living being, she is just completely overcome with hunger and can’t do anything but operate on it. Very scary. Feral. Like being attacked by a starving animal. She’s super out of it, and is completely wild and violent and has no control, only the need to eat. Outside of trials, if no one is around, she’s lucid again, but will remember trials and what she did to people, and spends that time in horror and despair. She’s tried to kill herself before, because the last thing she ever wanted was to become the thing she swore vengeance on (the Entity’s a real cruel motherfucker. Did the same to Rin, to Philip, to everyone it could. Likes to really twist decent people into what they would most despair to be), but in the realm, she’s stuck as it. She’s not really aware for trials, but remembers them with decent clarity, and is in constant agony over what she’s done. Unfortunately, suicide does not take in the realm, and every one of her attempts failed, just like her attempts to maim or tie herself up so she wouldn’t be able to hurt people did. She’s horribly alone and despairing, and also in physical agony. She’s at the worst end of what a human can be at as far as emaciation and starvation while still being alive goes, and that’s physically awful. It fucks up your brain chemistry too, and everything is just really fucking miserable all the time. It hurts to move, it hurts to breathe, your breath smells tastes like rotten fruit but in a way that’s so much worth than that can sound. She’s so hungry, her addons are things like dragonfly wings consumed to give her extra stamina. That’s the kind of bare sliver of relief she ever gets. God, poor Lisa’s life is hell. She’s completely heartbroken and isolated and almost dead. As far as relationships go, she didn’t have any for a long time. No one can really interact with her, because she goes feral at the sight of food. She’s kinda utterly alone. But briefly, when Alex, Philip, Vigo, Benedict, and Sally were a group, she kind of got stumbled into, and after a kind of nasty first encounter, was able to regain lucidity around other people, and had a truly sweet and memorable and invaluable bit of time with love and friends and other people. She was kind of in love with Sally, who did her hair for her and was really kind to her, and Sally liked her too. They were close. Lisa was close with all of them. But when things ended the way they did, the Entity took that away. Lisa remembers it, but she could never get them or it back, and was cast aside and left behind until the end of ILM, when she finally got peace and found happiness in finally getting to be at rest in the arms of a friend. Overal, she’s a fairly young and wide-eyed, bright, cautious, fun and sweet girl by nature, now massively traumatized and hopeless and broken, but still with a truly incredible amount of that kind nature retained. She would have really loved reading fantasy novels aloud and exploring the worlds of lore and history, travelling, seeing other cultures and geographic features and animals. Enjoys fashion too, and has a heart for designing and making cool, personal and cultural and symbolic tied designs, and would have been both great at that and loved it if she’d lived long enough. (Shoutout to @artianaiolanthe who inspired the fashion take & it is so suited to her I love it). A little shy, but an extrovert at heart under it, just a nervous one. Loved people. Liked climbing trees and fording brooks and baking bread and throwing rocks and baseballs to knock a target out of a tree and win a prize at little town fairs. Didn’t get the length or quality of life she was owed, and it’s just not fair or okay at all. Liked to watch the stars.

As far as getting better goes, mentally, totally. If they could get her out of the realm or break the Entity’s connection, she’d immediately stop killing. She has never done it of her own free will. She’s a sweet small town kid who was just trying to live her life. As far as physically goes though, Lisa is in one of the worst possible spots. Unlike say Amanda, who was on death’s door but healed by the Entity, or the Legion, who weren’t injured at all, Lisa was on death’s door and like Adiris, did not get healed. Just preserved in that near-death state and forced to work in it. Honestly, it’s possible she could survive long enough to get to a hospital and be saved, but at best, she’d probably live another year. When you starve, your body begins to catabolize/eat your own tissue to save itself, starting with fat, and ending with muscles and organs, which, when it reaches the heart, kills you. Lisa was so close to dead, the organ damage was probably awful, and would leave her with complications that would take her very young. The most likely thing, since she was saved literally seconds before death, would be for her to step outside the realm and immediately die. However, it’s possible she got lucky on body damage and could be saved—kinda up to interpretation—and if say, she was around for Quentin’s Vigil going healing batshit, and got some organs repaired that way, she’d have a real shot. (I also am sad. Lisa was actually the only determinate character in ILM to me/that I wasn’t sure the ending for, and while I am very happy with what ended up being her closure, I also would like to see her live for even more love and peace TuT. Lol, if I ever end up doing my goddamn four fate route fics like I’ve joked now a truly dangerous number of times about doing [>.> me @ me] then maybe she will get a variety of lives in the end). I’m glad you wanted to know! I really like and pity her. This poor kid really did nothing wrong, much like Rin, and just got eternally tortured for asking for help and justice against the monsters who took her life so violently. Fuck Brittany. (Read: the Entity.)

Ahhhh Sally. My sweet, sweet girl. Uhhh, not sure which of the Lisa questions you meant for her too, so I’ll try to speed-answer them all? Sally’s intelligent and understanding and thoughtful, patient, polite, almost elegant despite how impoverished she spent most of her life—she just tries to act like a lady and treat people with as much respect and esteem as she can (unless they suck lol). She’s also very mentally damaged and not there though, and has extremely unstable mood swings, especially into despair. Her relationships with the other killers were limited. She talked to & was on polite terms with any who would talk to her and not be condescending or a dick so openly she’d pick up on it (so like, on cordial terms with Evan, Herman, Caleb if she’d been there that long, but not like, Kenneth or Freddy or someone who wouldn’t bother to put up an act). But mostly, after figuring out she wasn’t really of any use to them, they quit communicating with her. Sally has been extremely isolated since shortly after being taken. She believes that the survivors are innocent and suffering and knows that they don’t deserve the hunt, but has no way to stop the whole system, and has been convinced by the Entity that if she does a good job and earns moris, the ones she strangles to death get to stay dead instead of coming back after death to suffer endlessly again, so she works very dedicatedly and slowly trying to earn kills to save them. It took her physical eyes when it got her and lets her see through it’s powers, and uses that to randomize what survivors look like in her memory so she doesn’t catch wise it’s the same people over and over and she’s not saving them at all. It’s extremely tragic. God it’s one of the most cruel Entity tricks, which is saying a lot. Poor gentle woman is Sisyphus pushing a boulder up a hill day after day year after year and she doesn’t even know how hopeless and meaningless it all is. : (

When the Vigo-Philip-Alex-Benedict team was going, though, she met and attacked, then was convinced to instead befriend them, and quickly became very attached and well liked by them. Met Lisa while with the group, and became extremely fond of her and loving towards her and was truly, truly happy for a brief period of time. Still remembers her, even as lost as all her memories are. Not her name, but what she looked like to Sally, and how her hair felt, and how nice it was. Sally would have considered everyone in that group a dear friend, and in ILM, Philip most definitely becomes her deepest, closest, and best friend, just like she does to him. She’s a very faithful woman to her soul. Loved her family, loved her husband and mourned him, worked as hard as she could. Cared for her patients, and did her best in that hell until the Entity slowly whittled away at her sanity until it broke her mind and left her convinced the only way to end their pain would be to give them death, and she had to do it to save them. Sally loves little pretty things and neatness and collections. Flowers, bows and ribbons, china and colored glass. She would have treasured gifts like decorative holiday cards and carved animal figures and left them on her mantle or carefully tucked in lovingly organized and decorated books she could open to revisit the memory. Likes dresses and skirts and the way the wind feels. Hopeful and very enduring. Loving. Had a mom heart, and will never really get entirely over the loss of her children, but is strong and kind and will find new love that makes life still worth living in other people. Will remember both kindness and cruelty a long, long time. Loved Quentin from the second he gave her flowers (Dwight: Quentin, why did the entity let you have three moms? Quentin: Because I fucking earned it >:[“ [author’s note: he did. God that poor kid...]). Loved Kate from the day she sat with her in a hospital and held her hand. Is like that. Remembers small kindness and treasures them.

Sally could definitely recover. Not all the way probably, physically or mentally, but by far enough to be complete and happy and realized and who she wants. She never meant to hurt people, so she really just needs some stability, and I think she finds that with her new family. I mean, it is a lot to adjust to. It’s been like nearly 100 years. The Entiry broke her mind, and she’s got some damage that just probably can’t ever be fixed, but a lot can be, with drugs and treatments and therapy and kindness and a good support system, and honestly, the biggest things she needs are people to keep her memories together and herself present, and influences to protect her from being manipulated and controlled now that she’s so suggestible and easy to hurt, and she’s got that. I am 100% certain that while some things—the scatteredness, the ease of slipping into other moods especially deep sadness, the different way of thinking altogether—never leave her, she gets better in the most important ways and is truly happy and quite functional and what she wants to be. While there’s no way (yet anyway lol. Cybernetics that good when?) to give her new eyes since the Entity ripped hers out, and she’s blind now, and can’t be changed, her seeing eye dog does a great job for her, and she’s very happy and adjusts well. She has a lot of friends to be her eyes, and learns to lean into what she can do and has a quite fulfilling and blissful life outside the realm in ILM.

Also: thanks for the recs! I’m going on a run soon, and I’ll add those to my iPod and give ‘em a listen if I can. Hope this answered what you wanted to know! ^u^

[fairycosmos]

confession: I havent eaten in two days simply because I can't bring myself to. I'm scared for back to school and I'm scared for therapy. life's a mess.

hi love. please try to eat something. it doesn’t have to be a big deal, it doesn’t have to be anything heavy. just some fruit or a sandwich, and some water. i know it’s a lot easier said than done, and i know it’s hard to get past the mental block, but you’ll feel so much better for it afterwards. i promise. you’re in control of what you do, even if it doesn’t feel like you are right now. you can make the decision to eat and you can follow through with it. even if your mind is screaming at you not to, you’re stronger than that. you can overcome that. i believe in you, and i hope eventually you’ll find a way to believe in yourself. and hey listen, it’s alright to be scared. it really, really is. in fact, most people are. it’s just a feeling. recognize it for what it is, embrace it and then try to let it go. and maybe the fear will keep coming back to you, but each time it does you’ll be strong enough to work through it. you can manage it, you can. because ultimately it’s what you do when you’re scared that matters, that’s what counts. what you’re dealing with right now is fleeting, it’s not going to feel this way forever. your life isn’t a mess, it’s just a rough patch right now. it’s temporary, and sometimes it can be good to remind yourself of that fact. it’s going to pass, like everything does. you’re going to be okay.

therapy can be scary sometimes, confronting your emotions is nerve wracking, but it’s seriously never as bad as you think it’s going to be. the therapist isn’t going to push you too hard right away or make you say/talk about things that you don’t want to talk about. they’re going to let you take it at your own pace. there’s nothing to be afraid of - you’re doing the right thing. yeah, getting help can feel weird and strange but it’s a lot easier than staying in the same mental state that you’re in right now for the rest of your life, you know? i’m fucking proud of you for making the choice to go to therapy, and i hope i don’t sound patronizing bc i mean it in the most genuine way. it’s a lot harder than most people realize, and i think you should give yourself some credit for it.

and when it comes to school, honestly all you need to do is take that shit one day at a time. don’t look at the whole year as one massive thing you need to overcome, just tackle each day as it comes. school is the fucking worst sometimes and i’m not going to try to tell you that it’s not, because my own experience with it was terrible, but if you start to struggle i hope you know that there are people that can offer you additional support and help. there are things that can be put in place to help you manage it all. you will get through it. you will. all you need to do is try your best. and some days, your best will be managing to get out of bed. other days, it’ll be getting all of your work done and being productive. both of those things are okay. both of those things are okay. give yourself a break every once in a while, you know? you’re trying. you’re here and you matter. you matter a lot, and i hope one day you’re able to believe me. 

here are a few links that might help -

http://200reasonstoeat.tumblr.com/

http://www.learnpsychology.org/student-stress-anxiety-guide/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2010/01/06/5-things-not-to-worry-about-in-therapy/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-zen/201701/3-essential-exercises-calm-anxiety

try to eat something, okay? i hope you feel better soon. you deserve so much more than what you’re going through. you’re so much more than what you’re dealing with. just keep going. do what you can to soothe your mind and to put yourself first. try to treat yourself as if you’d treat your best friend is he/she was in your position. give yourself the courtesy of love and respect. and i hope you know that you can message me if you ever need a friend ! i’m always here.