#and now i realize i'm talking it through ad nauseum like the characters in this book

[july-19th-club]

about a third of the way through baru now but it's such slow going because the pacing is so... like things will happen in spurts, and then time will be skipped over without much description of what's happened in the meantime, then the new status quo will be in place but only illustrated in broad strokes - and when there are *scenes* instead of *passages* the scenes are mostly people expositing economics or politics to each other while thinking 'he knows that i know that he knows that i know...but we've both played our pieces already so it doesn't matter who knows...' so it winds up reading like a very slow chess game where the moves are telegraphed far enough in advance that you're not sure where, if anywhere, the genius move is

[nelliebachesneg]

Jason X Jazz

This entire post is me screaming into the void because I'm writing a fic and I'm having a lot of emotions about it. You have been warned.

I am currently processing some things through the characters of Jason Todd and Jasmine Fenton, and I need to talk about their characters before I break down completely.

Jazz is easy for me to write. Jazz is an Enneagram 5, which I'm pretty sure is my type as well. Jazz ignores her emotions - or at least refuses to identify them - in favor of logic. Truth is ultimately what matters to her. She hoards information in her attempts to find the truth, and no amount of information will be enough until she finds a satisfactory answer.

I see a lot of myself in Jazz.

Mostly good things - and in fact that's the problem. I have a hard time seeing Jazz's flaws as flaws. The orginal show calls her out for being a know-it-all, and a teenager who thinks she's an adult, but as I write this I realize that I never saw that as something that had to be fixed - or at least, not as something that had to be fixed by Jazz herself.

Because of course Jazz felt like she had to be an adult. Her parents were caught up in their own lives, to the point where they left their science experiments on the kitchen table with toddlers running around. Of course when Danny started acting differently, and her parents didn't notice, she blamed it on their inattention. And of course it was specifically Danny's need for attention that mattered; she's got her intellect to carry her through life's challenges, after all. She's the one with perfect test scores, the one who applies herself, the one who understands the importance of a life apart from ghost hunting.

Oh, she's aware of her own need for attention, of course. She'd have to be a fool not to realize that, sometimes, she gets envious of ghosts for how much her parents seem to be obsessed with them. (She's have to be a fool not to realize that, magic or no magic, she shouldn't have fallen so fast for Johnny.) But she can handle it. She can think her way through it. Danny can't; all he has are his…

Friends.

Who are Jazz's friends?

Who does she talk to besides her brother, her parents, and the occasional teacher or classmate for academic purposes?

Where does she vent all that emotional energy besides the occasional concert?

This is where I see Jazz's flaws and mine overlap. This is also something I feel comfortable writing about, because it's something that I have talked about in therapy ad nauseum. I know the answer here is quite literally to lean on the relationships you do have, and if that's not enough, to find new relationships. It takes work and more than a bit of luck, but it is possible for Jazz (and me) to break out of this idea that she always needs to be rational about everything, including herself. I think that's what the show was going for, actually - but equating emotional expression with childishness is… wrong, I think. It reeks of underlying toxic masculinity if nothing else, and considering what I've heard about Butch Hartman, that's not off-base.

And then there's Jason.

Jason fucking Todd.

Who like no other character I have ever seen in fiction, fanfiction, and all the headcanons in between, embodies the Bible verse of Romans 7:19-20:

"For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it."

Jason is an Enneagram 8. Jason, whether he realizes it or not, is obsessed with control. He wants the world to be good, to be just, and he will go to dramatic lengths to make it so - not unlike Bruce. At the same time, though, he has internalized the belief that he himself is not a good person. He's a just person, maybe - and I would even venture kind - but as much as he tries to do what he thinks is right, Jason Todd does not think of himself as good during or after UtRH. He's sacrificed his sense of empathy, after all, and that made him "the bad one" who "needs to be stopped". (Makes sense, since he's the one that was never good enough anyway.)

So is it any wonder that he struggles to believe in forgiveness? Is it any wonder that he won't allow himself to accept love when it is offered? He doesn't think he deserves it. He thinks that people who have done worse than him deserve it even less. And maybe if he can take them out, in a twisted way it'll make him better. Maybe if he can rid the world of a few monsters, it'll make him less of one.

Jason at his worst is all of my self-loathing, all of my catastrophic thinking, all of my self-delusion, and all of my fear. I've connected his struggle to accept love to my own struggles with sexual content. I've said it before elsewhere, but I think I need to say it again: radical forgiveness and love are the only way forward. The catch is that, by necessity, those things require connections with other people.

And what writing Jason in my fic is asking me to do is to imagine the people I care most about in this world discovering the worst part of me - and forgiving me for it. Helping me with it. Only for them to ultimately fail to fix me, thus making me desperate enough to turn to a stranger who may screw me over worse than anyone ever has.

Suddenly I feel like we've been down this road before.

And while I know that Jazz is someone Jason can trust, Jason doesn't know that, and it's difficult to picture - well, no, actually, it's not hard to picture Jason, after being caught in a moment of Pit Rage, to tell the worst to Jazz in an effort to scare her off. And it's not hard to picture Jazz rationalizing that behavior, and even seeing honor in the honesty of it. It's not hard to picture Jason being confused and suspicious, forced to confront his own assumptions about what's possible and what he deserves out of that possibility. It's not hard to picture Jazz having empathy for those who suddenly receive more than they think they are owed. It's not hard to imagine Jason bargaining with himself, desperate for something to work but also ready to bail at the first sign of betrayal.

Holy shit, it's easy to see how he slowly comes to accept her help with his Pit Madness. It's easy to see how after he feels like he's back in control of himself, he'd start falling in love with this girl who sees the best in him.

And the kicker is, she doesn't even see what she's done as special; she just didn't want him to feel alone. She didn't want him to feel trapped in his own head.

She's not expecting those sentiments to be returned.

She's not expecting Jason to like it when she loses her temper. She's not expecting him to treat her with respect when it comes to her hobbies, the same she gives him. She's not expecting him to want to be around her, to seek her out when he's feeling any type of way; for her to seek him out and have him be willing to listen when she wants to vent. She's not expecting the committment, the quiet support, the feeling that for once she can lean on someone else and just be herself.

Is it because he feels like he owes her? Is it because she has something he wants? Is he trying to manipulate her? There has to be a rational explanation-

Oh.

Oh.

…Well there's certainly nothing rational about it, that's for damn sure. What do you mean, Jason, you think I'm passionate and smart? Even if that's true- Well of course I'm protective of children and the disadvantaged, who isn't? And what do you mean it's a relief that I don't just know about the vigilante life, I understand the vigilante life? What do you mean it blows your mind that the killing- Well, it doesn't not bother me- But yeah it's not the end of the world. What do you mean you're thankful that I've made Crime Alley my home and you'll be here for me as long as I want you to be?

What do you mean you love me?

Do I love you too? Of course I-

Of course I do.

Because of course she does. Of course she admires his honesty, even if it makes him sound like an asshole sometimes. Of course she could spend hours figuring out his quirks, religiously studying what makes him smile and how far she can push his buttons before they're chasing each other across rooftops. Of course she lights up every time he comes over, every time he so much as texts her. Of course she's noticed that he's been able to get her to tap into her emotions in a way she's never before felt safe enough to.

Of course she loves him.

And of course he loves her.

They've made each other feel alive (again).

[spookyagentfmulder]

knowing your partner well can potentially make writing a lot easier, repost, do not reblog. meet the mun.

— basics

name: Herald! Or Hel. Hal's fine too. pronouns: He/they with a leaning towards masculine signifiers preference of communication: Tumblr IMs work just fine but I'm usually found more readily on Discord.

— three facts

I have a connective tissue disorder known as Marfan's Syndrome.

I like to collect magical girl figures and paraphernalia (ie: Sailor Moon, Cardcaptor Sakura, Pretty Cure.)

I don't do it as much anymore, but I like to write poetry. Mostly in prose but I often default to iambic pentameter. (secret fact!: when tired I start to speak in rhyme without realizing it.)

— experience

From what I remember I started rping around age 13 on places like deviantart and on AIM, Yahoo, MSN and the like. I officially started my foray on tumblr RPC by talking with a Professor Layton account on my personal. Eventually I became thetumblrturnabout (yes and back then I didn't have to use v's or anything to have that url) and the rest is sort of history. Through RPing I discovered I was trans and it's been one of the best things of my life. I have primarily written sad, wet, older men the entirety of my RP career(?) and hope to one day be that sad, wet, older man. I have written mostly sci-fi/horror and prefer action and drama over things like slice of life. On tumblr I have written: TXF, Twin Peaks, Gravity Falls, Ace Attorney, X-Men First Class, Dangan Ronpa (a dark time), Homestuck (an even darker time) and even some of my own OCs.

— sub-genres

I love the horrors. Either it be the horror of man, the horror of science, the horror of time/space and the inescapable nature of fate: give me that juicy existentialism baby!!!! But as I have written here on Mulder I have found that another huge component of my writing is my expression of love and wanting to see the world be treated more kindly and with more understanding than we often get. Dale Cooper really opened up my eyes with that, and Mulder now too has reintroduced me to how much people want to love and be loved. Get loved, idiot <3

— plots vs memes

I have Constant Plotter's Disease, and already I have about three or four plots waiting in the wings. Having a rich backdrop in which I can play off of allows me to better write my characters, I feel. Plus, TXF is a sort of a monster-of-the-week type show and each episode hinges on a sort of self contained plot most of the time. Memes are just as good for this as anything else! And in fact I find they are wonderful ways to develop character interaction.

— long or short replies

Listen, sometimes I can go stupid crazy and lose myself in the moment and the writing but I try to keep it under wraps. I always feel bad when I don't at least give a paragraph but I NEVER expect my partners to match my insane ability to extrapolate ad nauseum.

— best time to write

Fuck it, we ball. However I am often more available in the evenings and am a bit of a night owl.

stolen from: @handgiven tagging: whoever wants to do this