#and not being able tonlet things go

[thanatos-drive]

One of the reassuring things about binge watching ADHD vids, is that it is my entire being explained, all my quirks and faults are that of someone who doesn't treat it properly.

Okay so there's a reason for being much of a mess.

[garbageivereleasedintothevoid]

10-26-19 (Saturday)

Was thinking about early childhood. Like 4 and under. A lot. We used to live in a rental house on Eichel. In Jimtown.

I was thinking about it and I realize that I was so clueless. And helpless. But I don't think my mother had yet realized how she could use me. Or maybe she didn't have the desire yet. Idk. Maybe she got bored once she didn't have random neighbors to fight. Which, btw she did almost fight someone while she was pregnant with me. Apparently my dad held her back and the other woman just went back to her house. But my mom was nearly ready to birth me and she was trying to fight a bitch? Jesus christ. She must have had some intense rage issues if she could be several months pregnant and the first thought is "I should risk everything because someone made me angry." Then again, she never wanted me.

I have to wonder what people thought about her. She hadn't learned to hide that behavior when not at work yet. She just went apeshit. Did they think she was a violent danger? Did any of them feel sorry for me? I wouldn't mind either way but... I just wonder what was seen from the outside. Did she have them all fooled? Or did some red flags get noticed? She seemed really good at convincing most mental health professionals. But I think a couple caught on tbh. Julie Kahre used to (I have no clue if she still does) work at Evansville Psychiatric. She was apparently in high school with my mom at the same time but supposedly different grades and different friend groups. My mom was more in the fringe of the punk scene and apparently knew a LOT of people who were among the first in Evansville to get completely and totally fucked over by meth and heroin. Anyway... I think Julie saw that she wasn't actually beimg a good mom and she tried subtler ways of helping me see but it never really stuck. And one day she just told us both that my mom wasn't doing things right (translate that into therapy talk, I'm half asleep rn) and essentially told her she was rhe problem and my mom grabbed my wrist and drug me outside and into the car.

My mom hadn't liked her being my therapist. We laughed and joked a lot was her reasoning but apparently my mom thought that wasn't important to be doing. Idk. I think maybe Julie knew something about her and she was afraid of it being revealed. Idk. But I felt good going in there. I felt okay with her as a therapist. Like she was functional for me. Which was rare. And then my mom started undermining everything. Telling me that she thought I was getting worse. And idek if I was or not but if I was, it wasn't Julie's fault.

But anyway, we never went back there after that. And while I had been there, I'd had to see her psychiatrist, Dr. Kaplan (now at Midwest behavioral health next to cross pointe). And that man did not understand a goddamn thing about me. And like at one point even he admitted that he felt it unprofessional of him to take us both on as patients and tried to get her tonlet me see some other Psychiatrist and I was all for it. But she knew she could manipulate him and was like "No, I'll jusy go see someone else, it's fine." And like... I literally begged her to let me see anyone else except Dr. Kaplan or Paul Mefford (knew him through TSA, never liked him. Actively disliked the man. Still do. And besides, It would be a conflict of interest since we were both on the board) and she basically told me no, this was what we were doing. End of story.

Idk. I don't think there was much I could do to change anything before I did. I lacked the confidence that Jessi had given me to break out of there. Take that leap. I tried once with living with Rachel and failed but Rachel was toxic. And she failed to understand the level of support one must provide to someone fresh out of an abusive situation (they all believed I should have a job and be out of their house within two weeks. I was applying everywhere. No one wanted to hire me. I was awkward and needed direction and I had never worked before. And even with a job 2 weeks is entirely unreasonable to save up money for an apartment, sign the lease, and move out). And she believes mental illness is fake anyway. So there was no getting help from her.

Jessi provided emotional support. However fleeting it may have been, she at least gave it effort. Maybe not the level I needed but to be fair, she was in the middle of crisis after crisis. Regardless, she boosted my confidence enough to get my ass in gear. And I finally was able to find some footing, rocky as it may have been. And then I met Sara. And everything accelerated much more quickly at that point. Sara devoted so much time and energy to me. Sometimes I think she may as well have been working two jobs I took up that much of her time. But she kept at it. She pushed me up off the ground and propelled me forward whenever I gave up. She encouraged me when Inwas too scared to move forward. She really put me on the path I'm walking now. She motivated me in a way no one else could. She's good at that, from what I've heard. She was good at that with me. Idk. She's just... She is really good at knowing when to listen, when to talk, when to offer comfort. When to soften her voice, when to joke and laugh with me. She could read me like a book. She saw through me. It was like having your mind read. She just got me on a very basic level. Like some will understand the various aspects of who I am. But Sara really understood who I am at my core. It felt like she was looking into my very soul. It was wild. But I trusted her to be careful with that knowledge. And she never disappointed. Sure, she made mistakes. But idk. They were honest mistakes. And everyone makes those. I just have never felt as understood by someone as I have by her. I still miss it. I think... I'll always miss her. And it hurts still. But... I am happy for her. I just am still scrambling to figure out how to fill the void she's left in my life. It's like a piece of me is just gone. She was... My support. She was half of my support system. I saw her more than anyone unless you count Yoshi. And even then... Some days... It was... Nice... To just be in her office sometimes. To just be near her. Safe. Protected. She was my refuge. She literally and figuratively saved my life.

I know everyone is sick of hearing me talk about her. But goddammit she was important to me. And that hasn't gone away just because she doesn't work at ECHO anymore. Idk. She was my friend. And that's what she'll always be. Even if she's not my friend I see all the time anymore.