#and my sibling at a certain point said oh I don't like my nickname don't call me that. just my name. and they did that no

[gnaga37]

casting "call me by my real name" spell on my family!!!!! in 2 to 3 years they'll be fully under my influence ^ω^

[defdaily]

‪[TRANSLATION] Arena Homme+ Magazine April 2021 Issue featuring JAY B

Translated by defdaily.

JAY B is free and starting again from scratch. That is what JAY B has in mind. GOT7’s leader announced that he would be leaving JYPE as the group stays together. JAY B is preparing to debut as a solo musician while planning to also release mixtapes and hold exhibitions as Def. We had a chat with JAY B, who has gained more freedom and strength, at the swimming pool about courage, depression, literature and aspirations.

Did you come here alone?

Yes. I took a taxi here. I was the type to go around freely even when I was in JYPE but catching the taxi to work this time around felt new.

All GOT7 members decided to leave JYP but stay together as a group. As a leader, you needed to make a decision, right?

Although we ended up leaving JYPE, we wanted to continue as GOT7. We all agreed to leave [JYPE] and try it between ourselves.The product made from me taking responsibility/taking charge was the single 'Encore’ that was released not too long ago. I was involved in the whole process with a new record label. I was happy to see a good response [to the single]. It was lacking in some areas but I was just very proud that we were able to show a different step. Since we showed through this single that “we did not disband”, what’s next is more important. When we left JYPE, Director Jung Wook mentioned "Your role as a leader starts now." I'm realizing it now.

”I wanted to learn everything about the process of releasing an album and how difficult it is. I wanted to start again from scratch.”

Your role as a leader actually starts now.

I used to find the role of a leader burdensome at times but now I feel a greater sense of responsibility. While supporting each person’s journey, I thought I needed to be the one to step up once we got back together. We also talk regularly in our group chat. Not long ago, Jackson went to China. When Mark went to the USA, I could see him off but when Jackson was leaving, we couldn’t be together because of a schedule. So I told him to have a safe flight, apologised for not being able to see him off and thanked him too. He replied saying he’ll take care and be back.

What motivated you to leave the large agency you've been working with for a long time?

The thought came to mind suddenly as we were promoting as GOT7. Am I taking all these benefits I get for granted? When a schedule is released I just do it, and when they ask me to confirm things I do, but what kind of long process has it gone through before it came to me? Who sends a request and how is it processed? Why am I only waiting until it reaches me and simply watching it unfold? I wanted to be directly involved in that process. I wanted to learn everything about the process of releasing an album and how difficult it is. I want to be humble and start from the bottom again.

Didn't you need the courage?

Of course I did. I was also afraid. My position has risen to all the way up here, but when it comes to my actual knowledge, I think I'm only down there. I was afraid that the difference would feel too big once I left the company. But I think I would have been more afraid if I stayed at JYPE. Since that difference would have grown bigger and bigger. My real self is here, so I should face it head-on a little faster. That's what I thought.

As JAY B or as Def. who releases mixtapes and holds exhibitions, you must have had the desire to do something new.

I want to do research and build it up step by step without haste. JAY B will show hip hop and RnB music that appeals to the general public and Def. will do activities that Def. wants to do. It could be mixtapes or exhibitions, or other different kinds of fictions. Def. is the nickname I used as a bboy before I became a trainee. It’s like air floating about freely. It could be house or soul or acoustic or even modern rock. In a way, you can say that Def. is close to my “main self” but since I debuted as JAY B, I’ll also show a devoted side of myself through JAY B. I want to be a person who can do both what he has to do and what he wants to do freely.

Listening to your mixtapes, and hearing that you like the styles of D’Angelo and Ray Charles, you seem to be attached to the Southern US rhythm and blues and soul music.

I do like them a lot. I like the entire hip-hop culture that originated from there. That culture also includes DJing, graffiti and even bboying. Since I started as a bboy, I would look up older videos to watch, study the culture and also look into what each dance move symbolizes, with my bboying crew and that's how I became fascinated. What captivated me the most was their obstinacy. I felt respect towards the conviction and obstinacy they carried with their culture.

Is that mood still incorporated in your music and dance?

Yes. For example, I don’t think choreography is dance. I think dancing is when music plays and you like the rhythm and start humming and bobbing your head and moving your body. I think dancing is a free act you do out of enjoyment.

What was the reason you joined an idol group after starting out as a bboy?

I gained an interest in music too, not just dancing. When I was young, I listened to D’Angelo’s music and wanted to become a singer like him. But I was rebellious when I first joined JYPE. Haha. I was even suspended for a month once as a trainee. I definitely said hello but they said I didn’t so they said "If you're going to be stubborn, then go home" and me with my young heart replied “Then I shall head home.” and left. Then I met up with my bboying crew after a long time, and in just a few months it turned into a different world. The crew members were above me and I was worried because I could feel myself far away by myself. Should I go back to bboying? Should I continue as a trainee? In the end, I wanted to do my very best in whatever I chose so I decided to focus on becoming a singer. Since I wanted to do music, it was a choice I made with no regrets.

You started as a dancer and ended up as a main vocalist. What was music to you back then?

It was a challenge. Trainees are divided into singing and dancing. I joined as a dancer but what I wanted to do was become a singer and not just do dance. But since I was put into the dancing division, I worked even harder with singing to break that prejudice. I often felt defeated. I still feel defeated with singing. Haha. But music is about endless research. Now it’s more about research than studying.

You grew up as an only child to your parents who did farming?

I was an ordinary kid. I enjoyed Haruki’s Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage and thought the “colourless” kid was just like me. I was a calm kid who helped his parents with their farm work. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t have any older siblings but they said I used to talk to myself a lot. My mother said there was a way she would know if I was home or not. If I was home, she would hear me talk to myself and be like “Oh really?” “Yes really” haha.

It’s extraordinary to read Haruki at that age.

There was an older friend that I knew and he was really cool. He looked really cool reading on the bus with his legs crossed. He said “Hey, Read a book and build up some knowledge.” As I was trying to be cool like him, I gained a favourite author and started reading more since I enjoyed it.

What kind of books do you like?

When I was a teenager I often read Kafka On The Shore. It felt like Kafka was just like me, and so while reading it, I even cried. The style of Murakami Radio was also interesting. The ending phrase “But I like that more…” was very witty. I’m collecting books from secondhand bookstores from authors who won the Young Author awards. I like Lee Jang-wook's short story Byeon Hee-bong. The main character knows the actor Byun Hee-bong, but the world doesn't know him. He would ask "Don't you know Byun Hee-bong from the movie The Host?" But no one knows. I like stories that don’t intend to be funny but they end up making me giggle.

What do you read these days?

I try to read poetry. I purchased and read the first volume that appeared on Moonji’s Poetry Collection, but it has too many Hanja characters. Haha. I started with Munhwak’s Poetry Collection. I have volumes 1 to 85. I also read poet Park Joon's collection of poems and poet Lee Eun-gyu's Affectionate Name. I even underlined and wrote things down.

Among the idols and musicians I’ve met, I think you are the most extensive reader.

We went on tours often and we would have a lot of time in my hotel room. When I went out I took pictures and when I stayed in my hotel room I read books. When I go on an overseas tour, I pack around 30 books in my suitcase. Then I bring back the books that left an impression on me, and those that didn’t sometimes I dispose of them there. These days, I look for independent publications too. I often look for independent publishing bookstores in Nakseongdae or Haebangchon. There are many books that contain honest stories that are not refined, and the power of those sentences is great.

How does reading influence your work?

The poetic expressions with poetic license help when writing lyrics. You read a new sentence and think “What is this expressing?” You receive inspiration from that image being expressed in a new way. I think of lyrics as poetry too. There are times I write how I feel honestly, but when I want to include a certain meaning I’d want to write the lyrics like poetry.

In your photo exhibition <ALONE> last year, you took pictures of objects and signs in the middle of the road.

Wouldn't it feel very lonely if you think about it from an object’s point of view? The camera captures just an instance but the object will stay there. I think each person has an insatiable loneliness. I like the artist Seonglib’s works, and I feel loneliness in his drawings. I don't know why I keep talking about loneliness, I guess I’m familiar with loneliness.

Seems like you take more pictures of objects and landscapes than people.

I don’t really like taking pictures of people. You can clearly see a person’s emotions in their eyes. I prefer hiding things rather than revealing them too much. I prefer objects, backgrounds, and natural objects rather than subjects that openly express 'It's me!'. Tranquil things, I like when you go past something and go “that’s how it was.” I try my best since my job requires being presented to people but that’s also how I am.

Who do you like as a movie director?

I like Woody Allen’s directing. My favourite is Match Point. It's a love story that goes beyond taboos, and it's electrifying. The face of the actor who secretly asks the reunited lover to give him her number remains in my memory for a long time. How could he direct such a real-looking, raw look in their eyes? When I was a theater and film major, I used to take directing classes rather than acting. If I were to direct a film, I would like to shoot an eccentric witty romantic comedy like Love Fiction directed by Jeon Gye-soo.

Are you self-conscious as an artist?

I’m interested in a variety of genres, and interact with crews often, but I think goofing off just because they are an artist is an arrogant attitude. Everyone is their own artist, no matter what they do, right? I'm not trying to be pretentious, I just think there's a difference in expression, and people who work in the office are also doing their own art. That’s why I’m a little shy about the title “artist.” Is there a need to be puffed up with pride because I’m an artist? I’m just a person.

While filming for “What's in my bag” and revealed your medications for depression and panic disorder. When did you face your depression?

I didn’t know I had depression. I thought I was being weak for a short while and let it pass. But on an occasion I got examined and found out I had depression. They asked how I lived by without going to the psychiatrist. I said I just thought I was the type to feel blue. Haha. I’m the type that doesn’t show [what is wrong] but they said I was in a state where I needed treatment. After going to counselling and taking medications, I’m much better now.

“I just wanted to talk about it. It may not show, but depression is both a common and dangerous illness.”

I think you’re cool for having the courage to talk about this.

I got diagnosed and looked at the people around me. There are friends who are ashamed of it and try to hide it, and there are friends who talk about it as if it’s insignificant. I just wanted to talk about it. It may not show, but it’s both a common and dangerous illness. A mental illness is an illness too. Among my fans, or those who read this interview, if there is someone who feels depressed, don’t be ashamed of it and I hope you receive treatment and overcome it. It’s not an embarrassing thing and it doesn’t need to be hidden. And I was filming content where I show what’s inside my bag; I can’t lie. I wish everyone would be healthy.

Are you bad at lying?

Yes. If I have to tell a lie, I think it’s just better to not say anything. Since I’m the type that’s honest and straightforward, I also don’t like beating around the bush.

Can you share a way one can take a step forward towards recovering from depression?

Look at the world in a broad view. Know that there are many places you haven’t been to yet and there are many things you haven’t felt yet. It's also good to take a walk and go off your usual route and take a path you've never been on. Small adventures can also be of great help. Just by leaving the house you’re already halfway there. I think there are more ways you can refresh yourself outside rather than inside. Also, I thought I was an honest person but after being diagnosed with depression, I thought I should be more honest with myself and more faithful to myself. At times like this, think of yourself before others.

What do you believe in?

I just believe in god. I don’t have a religion. I don’t know what kind of existence god is but I do believe that there is a god. When I’m thankful or am having a hard time, I pray. “Thank you.” “Please let me get through this wisely.”

What is the greatest motivation that moves you?

As long as I’m alive, I want to continue doing work that will leave a message. I believe that there is no next life. I think I should live this time diligently to the fullest. To have no regrets.

Translated by defdaily.

[fanficmemes]

Anon with the fanfic tropes list (most of these are somewhat specific but that's cause they just appeal it me), didn't think you guys want to see it that bad but here it is! (I said it's over 1k words so don't say I didn't warn you) (also Note: few of them are implied nsfw but it's mild)

-The italicized oh.

-Sun and moon dynamic

-Teaching someone how to skate

-comparing hand sizes

-picking a flower and putting it behind someone's ear

-BRAIDING HAIR O U G H

-babysitting together (bonus if kid thinks they're dating but they are just mutually pinning or kid figures out one of them have a crush on the other and either try to get them together or straight up blurts it out while the crushing tries to get them to shut up)

-when someone's laugh/smile/moan becomes a character's favorite sound/look in the world and they try as much as they can to hear/see it

-A Covering their face with their hands/arms/etc and B moving them and saying 'you're beautiful/I love you/I want to see you'

-Sharing headphones

-SHARING/BORROWING CLOTHES (bonus if it's too big for them)

-using nicknames

-Stealing food off someone's plate

-Sharing food with someone

-comparing them to either sun, moon, stars, god, angel, etc and ultimately saying something about worshipping them (and their body LMAO DONT CALL ME OUT)

-Riding on a motorcycle/bike together

-calling someone something in another language (bonus if they don't understand what it means and says it back)

-voice messages

-cooking/baking together

-when a character wears something new and asks 'how does it look?' And the other absolutely short circuits

-sitting between someone's legs?? (Doesn't have to be inherently sexual, it's just cute like:

-playing with someone's hair

-head on someone's lap and they just look up with the sappiest smile on their face

-oh my the inherent and absolute banger of peppering kisses on someone's face!!

-Kissing someone's nose (as in a 'boop' kind of way)

-FOREHEAD TO FOREHEAD (bonus if one of them is cupping the others cheeks)

-Kissing someone's hand

-Scar kissing

-watching someone play video games

-taking pictures of the dumb shit they do (and them favoring those pictures over normal ones)

-friendship bracelets

-personal special friendship greetings

-still using/wearing something someone's outgrown (small rings on necklaces, old tee shirts as headbands, etc also; "you kept that?" "Of course, why wouldn't I? It's special to me." )

-Painting someone's nails

-Seeing how peaceful someone looks while sleeping

-'I missed you.'

-Grabbing someone by the wrist as they're about to leave and saying 'wait-...stay.'

-Hand/finger on someone's mouth and the one with mouth covered is silently short circuits/panics

-pinkie promises

-maybe this is one sided joy but tickle fights

-pillow fights

-Going swimming (bonus if one of them isn't dressed for water and the other is so they just drag them into the pool)

-hugging someone from behind with arms around their waist and head resting on their shoulder

-hugging someone with so much force that they almost fall over

-putting someone's hair over their ear/clipping it

-Getting into a certain media because of someone

-When pets like a person and the owner is like 'Awww they like you, they're usually shy/etc' and it's symbolism for their relationship

-'oh you like this?' (Starts buying merch or whatever it is just for them)/(gives the one they own to them)

-riding something together and the other has to hold them tightly/close

-playing video games together or just watching them play

-Distraction kisses (whether to beat the other in a game or just to distract the long enough to let them escape, it's good)

-singing karaoke together or just preforming as a duo

-When a character wins or finishes a race and they immediately rush to a certain person, asking them 'did you see me/that/did I win??' Cause all they really care about is the person they're asking's opinion

-A staring at B from a far and B noticing them and either waving/smiling at them or blowing them a kiss from a far and A just looking away really quickly cause they were caught

-Saving spots/anything for somebody

-drawing somebody (bonus if the muse actually sees it and they're like 'woah is that me?? You're a great artist!!' And artist reacts by either quickly closing it or just dying)

-licking lips, wether it's their own or their partner's, it's good

-"you taste like (food)"

-aaa goes along with licking lips but like savoring the taste

-*calls other their s/o in front of people proudly and said s/o is either embarrassed or really likes that they're not afraid to be known that they're together*

-alternatively, calling the other their s/o when it's just them and they haven't decided what they are and said s/o is very much short circuiting

-ALTERNATIVELY that but they're together and one of them uses a cute nickname for the other!!

-Leaving Notes around for them w cute messages

-communicating through a notebook/notes together in class

-throwing paper airplanes at them (they have notes inside)

-carrying something someone else always forgets

-sending songs that remind them of each other

-not exactly romantic but this still slaps, other friends seeing their pinning from a mile away and putting bets on them

-when couple gets together, one person going 'TOLD YOU/CALLED IT! HAND IT OVER, (NICKNAME)' and the doubters reluctantly hand over 20 bucks

-and when they do get together and find out, friend group is like 'yeah and what?? Y'all were so obvious *acts out/recalls their past pinning*' and couple just shuts down

-Oh and the pinners somehow gushing to their friends about said crush

-making pictures of said crush and them as their wallpaper

-the dumbest possible contact names for each other

-making a flower crown for someone/putting flowers in the other's hair/tucking a flower behind their ear

-describing a kiss or a feeling as addicting

-describing something as downright sinful

-Siblings or friends cheering/teasing the couple (wether they're dating or pinning, it's always fun)

-running through the rain together and laughing

-Dancing together (bonus if one of them is reluctant or inexperienced to dance and the other teaches them or just tells them to have fun, also bonus if they do 'the dip')

-Taking care of someone while they're sick

-Intoxicated/high/sick person confesses that they like the other/gets affectionate/flirts and other is very blushy (bonus if other gets to see a side of the intoxicated they've never seen before)

-Sharing a drink (like milkshake)

-Kissing someone's lips to taste something or get lipstick

-The visual of lipstick smudged or all over

-A seeing B with a different hairstyle and absolutely being like: 😳💘‼️

-Same reaction but A hears B's morning voice

-Preforming on stage and performer (who's already with s/o) points at their s/o in the crowd and is like 'this one's for you, babe!' And said s/o is embarrassed but finds it endearing

-or the exact opposite where s/o points at performer and says 'THATS MY S/O!!!' very proudly and loudly

Okay why is this so goddamn well thought out!!!! Honestly we should make this an ask game one day bc I’m the “THATS MY SO!!!!” trope

[siriuslyshewrote]

no one wants to dance anymore - f.s

Platonic! Finn Shelby x Shelby!Sister , Isaiah Jesus x Shelby!Sister

Warnings - swearing, talking of maternal death, talk of drug use, and verbal abuse

A/N - Finn and YN are probably 16/17 in this one

Word Count - 2,965

4:17 AM , Christmas Eve, 1925

The Shelby house was never quiet, had never been quiet , not since Rosalie Shelby had her children - Arthur, then Tommy, then the others. It had always been a house of chaos and mayhem, one of arguments and yells, of tears and makeups.

But in all the time the Shelby family had been alive, they had never heard an argument like this.

The Shelby twins - Finn and Y/N - had been practically attatched at the hip since birth, and since then, they'd barely ever argued , only frustrated snipes every once in a while. They were sixteen now, at that age where they frustrated Polly to no end , by constantly sneaking out and going drinking and smoking at the Garrison, though she never worried about them, not really - what reason did she have to be worried? They had each other's backs. And so, Polly was surprised, and none too happy, to be woken up in the early hours of Christmas Eve morn, by angered yells and screams downstairs.  She could hear a babies cries too - probably John's newborn, woken up by the noise. It was typical, for this to happen, when all the siblings and their families were crowded into the terraced house they grew up in, a tradition for the family on Christmas Eve and Day.

******************************************************

"You are a fucking hypocrite Finn Shelby!" You hissed loudly, as he leant against the doorframe, that arrogant smirk on his face, though you knew well it was just a front for his anger. "Always bitching about Tommy's drug use and fucking Arthur's and Johnny's and then you do this?! Actually, less of a hypocrite and more of a down right arsehole!" Your voice raised on the last word, as you threw up your hands in frustration.

You'd always hated drugs, ever since you were a small child. You'd grown up around drug use - first your Pa, then, when the war was over, your brothers became enthralled in it too - the way it helped them forget the horrors they had seen. To you though , the person who had never seen the horrors, all you saw was the people you loved falling apart in front of your very eyes. You and Finn had made a pact when you could have only be ten or eleven, to never be like them. Not in that way. And here was Finn - half high off his mind on snow, but coming down from it very fast.

"I'm the arsehole?" His voice was louder than yours, more fuelled by alcohol and drugs, and you were certain you would wake up your family soon, but you were so angry you couldn't care less. "You are the one who shagged my best friend!"

Ah yes. The reason all of this began. You had been so upset, when you saw your brother at the Garrison a few hours ago - high off his head, that you turned to the only person who was there to comfort you at the time. Isaiah.

"I did not shag him! I fucking kissed him!"

"Same fucking betrayal!"

"Betrayal?! What world are you living in! He's my friend too!"

You were both yelling now, and you knew everyone would be awake at this point.

"Friend? Friend? I don't know about you , Y/N, but I don't regularly go around snogging-"

"I was fucking upset- you promised me Finn! We made a fucking pact! Though I guess I - that doesn't mean anything to you anymore!"

"Stop being so bloody immature! We're not kids anymore, I can do what I want!"

"Oh I forgot, big Finn Shelby, always trying to follow in his brothers footsteps! Well guess what Finn, you're not them! You're still a fucking kid." You spat angrily.

"I'm a kid?! You're the one who ran off to snog Isaiah as a form of petty bloody revenge-"

"I did not!"

"Yes you did! Because that's what you always do! You bloody manipulate people into hurting because you know what will hurt them the fucking most! And that's what you did with me tonight!"

Your eyes widened at this, as you recoiled, and angry tears welled at your eyes, though you refused to let them fall. Finn was always the sibling that was calmer and laid back. It was why you never usually argued. Anything you said usually washed right over his head. You supposed that sometimes you abused that a little.

"At least I have the ability to process my emotions, and don't just fucking hide them because I want to act the big man in front of my brothers! When are you going to see that you're not a proper fucking Peaky Blinder! You-" You almost screeched.

"Enough!" You heard a bellow, and froze slightly. The wrath of your Aunt Polly was enough to sober you both up practically instantly, though Finn still hadn't managed to stand up straight. "You are both children! Christmas bloody Eve and you wake us up like this!"

You turned round, to see Aunt Polly on the stairs, her arms crossed , lips pursed. The look she gave was enough for you to feel like a five year old again, who had just been caught playing with her makeup. The majority of the rest of your family also stood around on the stairs , half looking amused, half looking pissed off and tired. You felt your cheeks burn. All you ever wanted to do was impress your siblings. You had a feeling this wasn't the way to do it.

"Tell him that-"

"Tell her that-"

You both spat at the same time, glaring at each other, fists clenched, your jaws set in exactly the same way. You hated arguing with any of your family, but you, though you rarely showed it, had a temper just like Arthur when you got going, and both of you knew exactly how to hurt the other - you just rarely tried to. It was how you were both so upset right now.

"I said enough! If you can't use your bloody inside voices then don't come inside!"

"Fine by me." Finn muttered, turning and slamming out of the front door, so hard the window pane trembled. You knew then, that he was upset. If he was truly, really, angry, then he'd stay and yell some more. He left because he didn't want anyone to see him as weak. And that made your lip wobble a tiny amount.

"You do not get the last word, Finn Shelby!" You yelled, suddenly well aware how childish you were. But you couldn't stop, as you too, pulled open the front door, and saw him halfway down the street, the dawn light making it just possible to see him.

You stormed off in the opposite direction, to where you always went when you felt like this.

You went to see your mum.

*************************************************

It took, on average, around thirty or forty minutes for you to walk to the graveyard where they had buried Rosalie Shelby. You were too little to remember much - barely six when she passed, but you knew that your family didn't settle on nothing short of perfect for your mother. By that time, your father had already walked out, and your siblings had searched and searched for the perfect place to bury her. She didn't like to feel trapped when she was alive, Johnny had told you. And so, they buried her on the outskirts of Small Heath, on a hill surrounded by wildflowers, that had fuzzy bees fly around them in the summer, and tiny dormice. You loved coming here as a kid, not really understanding what it was - to you it just felt like a day in the countryside, which was rare. You still came often, to talk to her, when you were upset , or angry, or just felt something close to missing her . You knew she couldn't hear you, but some part of you yearned for it. For her to be able to speak back.

"Hey, Mum." You spoke softly, sitting down on the cold, damp, earth, limbs aching from your walk. By now, the sky was almost fully light. Your fingers touched the grave in a sort of greeting.

"I'm scared, Mum. I'm scared for Finn." You swallowed, leaning back on your palms, glancing up at the purple- pink dawn sky. Unfortunately for your baby nieces and nephews, it didn't look like it was going to snow in time for Christmas.

"He's never been like this with me. We're supposed to be a team, you know? But it's like, everyday he's drifting further and further away. I don't want him to, Mum. He's my best friend before my brother, and I'm losing him. I know I am. I just don't know how to stop it."

Your voice kept cracking, and suddenly, salty tears were dripping down your face, falling into the soil. There were several bouquets around the grave, and you weren't surprised. Your family all visited this time of year. Being here , in this place, it was your sanctuary, and it was rare that you would cry anywhere else. You pent up emotions until you felt like you would burst, and then you'd walk here.

"I miss you." You murmured. "In the best way I can. Because how can I miss someone I barely knew? You left us before I got to know your mannerisms like Ada and all the others do. They sometimes sit around and tell stories about you, and I just sit there, because they're just talking about a stranger, to me."

You paused for another few moments.

"Sometimes, I wonder, if you'd stayed, if everything would have been easier. If Tommy would be happier more, if Arth would be less angry all the time, if John  would be-"

"Thought I'd find you here."

You turned round, having got a fright, to see your closest brother - John, standing, no longer wearing his pyjamas, but the suits you were used to seeing him wear. His cap was held between his hands, and for once, no cigarette dangled from his lips.

Quickly, you tried to wipe away your tear tracks, as he sat down beside you, the same cross legged position you were in.

"Come on, Squirrel. Don't cry, eh?" He said softly, wrapping an arm around you tightly, and you leaned into him.

The nickname your siblings had given you (on account of you often 'running away' from home as a child, and usually being found halfway up a tree, along with the fact that you used to have a habit of hiding food all around the Shelby home)  almost brought a smile to your face.

"Is Finn..."

"Ada's gone after him. You know she's better with him."

You sniffed, nodding.

"I'm sorry. I know I was a dick to him again."

He nodded a little. "Yeah, you were. He was a bit of a twat too, to be fair."

"I know Pol says we're just growing up, but.." You swallowed. "I don't want to grow up if it means I lose my best friend, Johnny."

"You're not, Y/N."

"He's never spoke to me like that before. He's doing fucking snow John. And I know that isn't a big deal to you lot. But it is to me. And he just doesn't give a shit."

He was silent for a few minutes.

"C'mon, he does care. He's just..."

"I just... I never thought Finn would end up like..."

"Us?" John's voice was calm, if not a little hurt.

You swallowed. "No. Like Pa. You think I can't remember, but I do. I remember when he used to scream and shout and break things, and I remember when you hid me and Finn and Ada in the cupboard all those times, so we didn't have to deal with it. The way Finn screamed today... I don't know. It just took me back."

His arm squeezed tighter around you, and you felt how much more tense he was. You knew it hurt him far more than it hurt you.

"Why didn't you ever tell us you could remember?"

You shrugged. "I don't know. It's not like I can remember much anyway. It's like with Mum. I can remember tidbits. Just not enough. Not like you all can."

"I wish you could remember her properly." He said wistfully. "Then again, maybe not. We loved her, you know, course we did. But one minute she was great, and the next she was just ... gone. Vacant. I know she wasn't well. It just hurt."

You'd never heard John really open up about your parents. He usually listened, but you found yourself liking this more.

"I feel like I can't miss her properly. Because I didn't know her."

"You can still miss her, Squirrel. Maybe it isn't the same type of  missing as the rest of us, but you can still miss her just as much."

You shot him a small smile.

"Thanks Johnny." You said quietly.

You sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes.

"I really like Isa, Johnny. I didn't just do it to hurt Finn."

He didn't sound shocked. "Yeah, well, we all saw that coming from miles away." He snorted, humorously.

You laughed a little. "I guess it was a bit obvious."

"Really? You going beet red and leaving the room every time you saw him? Never." He quipped sarcastically.

"I didn't mean to hurt Finn. Well... maybe a little. I just want him to be okay, Johnny. I was just lashing out."

"He will be."

"How can you know?"

"Cause I know our Finn. And you do too."

You sighed.

"You've got to let him live, Y/N. I know you don't agree with it, and you should know none of us do either. But he has to realise some things himself."

You paused for a few seconds. Then you burst into snorting laughter.

"What?" He looked at you with a confused smile.

"Jesus... Christ ... Johnny. You sound just like... fucking ... Linda." You laughed.

He playfully jabbed you.

"Take that back, right fucking now." He grinned.

"You'll be spouting about God next." You joked.

He laughed. "The day I turn into Linda is the day I want you to shoot me."

"Don't you worry, John, I will." You snorted again.

"You coming home, then?" He asked, standing up, and it was only then that you noticed the flowers in his hands - fresh ones that he must have brought. He placed them down, next to other ones.

"Yeah." You said quietly, and he pulled you up by your hand, as you dusted mud off your skirts.

"See you, Mum."  He said quietly, turning, and walking slowly away, giving you a few seconds.

"Bye, Mum. Merry Christmas." You placed a gentle kiss on her headstone, before running after your brother.

*************************************************

You’d only just warmed up, when John stopped the car. He, being the cleverer of the two of you, had elected to drive to the cemetery instead of walking thirty minutes in the freezing cold.

You raised a questioning eyebrow, as you saw where he had parked the car - near the part of the Cut that was surrounded by high grasses and small trees - the only part of Small Heath that was remotely like the countryside.

"Go and speak to him." He said, firmly, though encouragingly.

You sighed a little, mock rolling your eyes, though you knew you had to. You closed the door behind you, as you hopped out, leaning back through the window for a second.

"You better wait for us, I'm not bloody walking home in this cold." You grinned, before turning away.

Just like you had your safe place, so did Finn- and it was here. He had told you once, that one of his only memories of your mother was her bringing you both down here as toddlers - just you two - and sitting reading to you in the grasses. He'd later confided in you that he wasn't quite sure if it was real or imaginary, to which you told him you couldn't be so sure about any of your memories either. The place had a dark tinge to you, considering what happened to your mother, but you couldn't blame him for liking it here. After all , your safe place was a grave yard. Who were you to judge?

Finn was sat, legs almost dangling in the river, next to Ada . They looked like they were sat in silence, and so, you thought it was alright to approach. Ada turned as you walked, giving you a small smile, then standing up, and walking past you back to the car. She squeezed your cold hand as she walked past.

"He's calmed down." She murmured. "I hope you have too."

Awkward was never an emotion you had felt with your twin before, but now it was one that overwhelmed you. You didn't know how to speak.

"I'm sorry." You blurted at the both time, as you flopped down to sit next to him.

He sighed. "I'm a dick. You were just trying to look out for me-"

"I wasn't going about it the right way. You’re right. I was being petty.”

“I know you like Isaiah.” He said quietly. He didn’t sound particularly mad. “I’ve known for a while.”

“I still shouldn’t have done it. No matter how upset I was. Because you’re right. A little bit of it was to hurt you.”

He shrugged. “I hurt you too.” He sighed. “Look. I don’t want to ever be like that again. It doesn’t matter what I was on or...” He rubbed a hand over his face. “We’re supposed to look after each other.”

“I don’t wanna grow apart.” You mumbled.

He laughed a little. “Come on. We’re twins. We’re never gonna lose each other.”

You smiled, holding up a pinkie.

“Promise?”

“Yeah, I promise, Squirrel.”