#and my ovulation was supposed to be thursday - meaning we could have tried when he's due home on friday

[spingu]

inane ramblings on ttc and hockey players in the tags

[thenugdiaries]

In The Beginning

Today is day 3 of finding out I'm pregnant. It's way to early for anything just yet, right now it's just a cluster of cells in there trying to figure out what's going on. It doesn't even have a heartbeat yet. But already I'm starting to have symptoms. I don't feel like I had symptoms earlier and I can't figure out if I'm having symptoms because I KNOW I'm pregnant or if they were going to start like this on their own even if I was unaware. This is the second morning that the Nug has woken me at exactly 4 40 in the morning. I have no idea why this time is significant but I can assure you now, I hate it. I am not a morning person, I have never been a morning person and if I wanted to be a morning person I could be because I am what? SICKENING. (Sorry I really will never be a morning person but it was flowing and I couldn't stop and didn't want to stop my inner Shangela) So now I lay here exhausted but unable to return to sleep and I wanted to document my pregnancy and thought would be a good way since none of my friends still come on Tumblr. My pregnancy ride has not been an easy one. My husband and I tried for over a year on our own and nothing was happening. My period was all over the place I tried talking to my NP and she kept assuring me everything was fine. Let me tell you out there, you know your own body, if you don't feel right, something is not right. I was on the pill for nine years. Turns out I didn't even need to be on it. In August I started seeing a doctor at the same practice as my NP where she diagnosed me with PCOS, polycycstic ovarian syndrome. Which means you have these fluid filled sacs that mess with hormones as can way down the ovary. You're supposed to have a cyst on your ovary when you ovulate. I just had multiple and they weren't allowing me to ovulate. Turns out I mostly likely had never ovulated in my entire life. I had way more eggs than a "normal" woman at my age. The other wall we ran into was my husband's sperm. We were turning out to be Chandler and Monica. We were told his sperm had terrible morphology. The looked super funky and when you have bad morphology it makes it increasing more difficult. The sperm wouldn't be able to penetrate the egg even if one deigned to leave my ovaries. All of these factors started putting me into a deep depression. My husband has wanted a kid for years and I wasn't ready, now I'm finally ready and we're being told it's virtually improbable. The only good thing is we finally had answers. If this were even 50 years ago we would never have been able to have children. The nice thing is that it's 2019 and we have medication that does all sorts of fun things. Our Doctor referred us to and IVF clinic. I personally did not want to do IVF because the hormones make you crazy and I'm already very sensitive to hormones. Being that a lot of women do IVF, it was going to be a while before we could get an appointment. My doctor told me about three months, which would be after Christmas. I fortunately got an appointment two days before Halloween. Seeing as it was supposed to be a long time before I want to the clinic my Doctor started me on a medication to force me to ovulate called Letrizole. (It's a great medication to help you ovulate not good when pregnant, the pharmacy asked me Everytime I picked it up if I was pregnant before giving it to me and I literally wanted to scream at them that if I was pregnant I wouldn't be taking it). I took 2.5 mg for 5 days and lo and behold and egg appeared in my ovary. Not my fallopian tube, just the ovary and it wasn't a good size just yet. It was 15.6 mm and an ideal egg to leave the ovary needs to be between 18 and 22mm. This was ok news, there was no indication it was going to leave the ovary but my doctor was optimistic for the both of us where as I just cried. The day came to go to the Clinic and we met our Fertility doctor. She was nice and educational. We learned a lot from her, including that where my husband's sperm was tested are very strict. All of his other sperm testing was perfect so she didn't believe there was anything actually wrong with his sperm. She wanted to do more labs on me and those came back stating the most beautiful phrase "you have ovulated" I did a dance. But I was not pregnant. I was put on a medication bro force my period and went back on Letrizole on day 3 of my cycle after some more labs. This is where things get strange. On November 10th I went in for an ultrasound and I watched it from where I was laying. I work in the medical field as an x-ray tech and I work in the OR where we do a lot of ultrasound. I don't claim to be an expert but I do know what I'm looking at when I compare my previous ultrasound to this one on the 10th. It was bleak. Not a single egg over 10 mm. I was devestated. My uterus even looked sad. What went wrong? They took some blood work and my estrogen was low. Nothing, zip, zilch. What was different from last month? I had an egg that grew, I actually ovulated. They sent more Letrizole, now 7.5 mg to the pharmacy and when I left the hospital, I spiraled. That night I turned my phone off and just drove around and cried and cried. When I finally came home I told my husband I just wanted to lay down and be alone. I got drunk of Saturday to forget everything and hang with my sister and one of my best friends. It was a bad weekend emotionally. Monday I didn't even want my husband to TOUCH me which is horrible. He needs a lot of physical contact and for me to tell him I didn't want to be touched was heartbreaking for both of us. Tuesday I bled, TERRIBLY. It was so scary. I felt wet but just thought it was normal discharge because I always have cramps with my period. No cramps but I bled through two pairs of pants. I texted my best friend freaking out and call the clinic. Best friend was also freaking out and the clinic told me "we don't know why you're bleeding but you should be fine, continue the last day of your letrizole and we'll see you Friday for your next ultrasound".......WE DON'T KNOW. Do you know how hard it was to keep my composure at work when I felt like I was dying and it felt like the clinic couldn't even be bothered. This is where it gets fun. My husband left Thursday to go to his cousins wedding. I woke up Friday and went and had my ultrasound. We put the probe in and staring back at me on that screen is the perfect example of what a pregnancy looks like. I bolted up on the bed and looked at the tech (who was the same tech that did my scan the previous Friday) and said "WHAT IS THAT" she calmed me and told me I was around 5 and a half weeks...