#and my mom's response when i called her was wrote that sucks! don't come here we don't want that!

[irishbreakfst]

Found a bed bug in my couch. Advice on how to make sure I never see a bed bug again would be greatly appreciated

[vtforpedro]

long life update - TWs in tags

It feels like it's been ages. I'm so exhausted and in a lot of physical pain. Going on two months of it being the worst it's been right after a couple of months of the best it's been. Chronic pain + grief + trying to get help from doctors who should have their licenses revoked + dealing with a shit relationship with my mom + a good, decades-long friendship ending + the ongoing disability process with the SSA + LAW FIRMS.

I'm so fucking tired. I don't remember if I updated that the appeals council decided not to review my case because the 'judge followed the law' except that he didn't. So, as it turns out, my original attorney (and he did not tell me this) before he left, wrote that if they denied me, it should go to federal district court.

I'm now working with a NY law firm to take my case to federal court because my current law firm believes it has merit, and I guess they do, too. That's how fucked the decision was, and I'm glad my initial reaction of bewilderment and anger was spot on lol

The good news is, it should only take another year! ._.

My neurologist is the worst doctor I have ever come across and I'm quite literally stuck with him with nowhere else to go. I wish him upon no one. I'm so tired of calling the SSA, getting documents to them, signing things for law firms, contacting law firms, getting no responses, and contacting them all over and over again. I am in incredible physical pain, like this actively makes my neuro stuff worse. Everything makes it worse. I have autonomic testing in a few days, and idk if I'll get through it b/c I have to stop the meds that keep me out of the ER two days prior, and it scares me.

My relationship with my mom is fractured and I don't feel like family therapy is actually helping. I had to end a friendship with someone I love and care very much about but who was growing too comfortable mistreating me and I was giving them too many passes 😞 I've known them for the better part of two decades.

It's been over seven months since my cat Isis died. I don't know how. It feels like she was here just yesterday. Yet, all the nights I've sat and talked to her and wept are all too real. I miss her more than I can say. She was my soul cat. I keep thinking about tomorrow and how she'd be so nosy getting into EVERYthing when gifts are opened at Christmas. Having to stop her, move her, laugh because she was just so n o s y and it was hilarious. And she's not gonna be here for that ever again.

I'm having a really fucking hard time tonight. It's just hitting me how god-awful this year has been and how I have a bad week to look forward to before even getting to the new year lmao I have to stop taking so many of my medications 48hrs before 1.5-2hrs of testing to see if we can find out Yet Another Thing Wrong With Me but knowing my luck it'll be 'no findings' and the mystery of why my core body temp plummets to 93.9 in the blink of an eye won't be solved until I have suffered juuuuust enough.

It never ends. Never. I want to give up. I'm so tired of doing this. I don't want to anymore. It never. fucking. ends.

I absolutely cannot say it's all been bad, though. I've met incredible, warm, welcoming, giving, kind people this year. Y'all have helped me more than you know and I'm so so so lucky to be able to call you my friends. This year has sucked for so many of us, but I want to say I'm proud of you, and I love you all very much.

My fic is gonna be printed in a hardcover zine early next year. I participated in a Big Bang for the first time and that'll also go out early next year. I'm hosting a tiny event in my tiny fandom server that I'm super excited about. I have a raffle prize to write (bagginshield !!!! SO EXCITED to revisit the og otp) and a Valentine's gift to write for another fandom.

I posted 401,000 words this year and wrote many more unfinished wips, plus a long one (90k) that I am very invested in finishing.

I painted and drew so much this year. I improved a lot, too! I got a couple of portraits printed from inprnt to see how they looked, and it was MY art, and they were GORGEOUS. I thought I would hate seeing my art professionally printed, but no! I almost cried. They looked so lovely.

My cat Lilly had health issues almost immediately following Isis's passing, but she is doing so well right now. She's blossomed into another cat, and while she's not my constant companion, she is with me so much more than she used to be. When she walks onto my desk I am to stop everything and hold her like baby in my arms until she decides that's enough (or I really need to move) lmaaao she's such a goober. My heart cat. <3

I'm not doing well right now--my MH is bad. Especially tonight. But it felt good to write the good things.

I'm sorry for my lack of replies and kinda disappearing. I'm running on fumes. I hope next year will bring physical relief so emotional relief can happen.

For those of you facing difficulties of any kind, I am holding your hand in spirit.

[xtrablak674]

[Originally published in Fashion Fag Magazine Vol 1 No 4 November-December Issue 1995 based on a story I wrote in college.]

Man O’ Da House

A Story About My Mother’s Goin’ Home

Mommy!

Mommy?

Mommy.

Where are you? I can't see you. Where did you go? Why is it so dark? Mommy!! Why did you leave me Mommy? Mommy!!!

I sit and wake up in a cold sweat and look over toward the window. The sun is glaring through the metallic Venetian lines, leaving parallel lines of sunlight on the wall. I soon forget what I was dreaming about and my sense of foreboding. As if in suspended animation the air in the room is deathly still. I break the serenity, get up, lean over and turn on the idiot box. I Dream of Jeannie is on, so that means its about six or six-thirty in the morning.

I lie back down and contemplate how I'm gonna approach Mom about the job with the Daily News delivering papers. Mrs. Church my baby sitter said I could get the job if Mom agreed. My birthday is five days away and I am gonna be eleven. As Mom always says 'I am da man o' da house', and she needs help making ends meat. I don't want to have to ask her for money all the time; I hate doing that.

I leave the placidity of my bedroom and walk into the living room to confront Mom. I stop at the threshold and gaze into the room; something is different it mirrors my room with its dead calm. The ever constant old color TV breaks the tranquility, and yet it doesn't it seems to blend into the background and take the form of a voyeur.

I break the static and cross to the head of the couch where Mommy rests. She looks uncomfortable yet at peace, with one leg propped up on the back of the couch, clad in bra and panties, one eye partially open but not enough for her to be awake. This is a regular sleeping position for her.

"Mrs. Church says I could get a job wit' the Daily News if you say it's OK I think I should get it, besides I'm turning eleven and Mrs. Church says I can. So what do you say?"

I look down into her face after my speech awaiting a response.

Silence.

"Well?"

Silence.

"Then forget you then. But Mrs. Church says I can!"

I suck my teeth and storm out of the room. How could she ignore me? Just who does she think she is? Well Mrs. Church says I can have the job. Besides I'm at Mrs. Church's house more then I'm here.

Realization.

Like a wave washing over a beached fish a thought comes to me. What if she's playing dead? A game in recent years she played with my younger brothers and me. I remember how the last time we played it, she woke from her feigned state of eternal rest after I had jokingly picked up the phone and pretended to call the police. My brother Monte didn't like the game and always grew very upset when ever she played it the frequency seeming greater over the last few months. 

I liked it because I could prove to her that I knew how to keep a level head in a dangerous or erratic situation the same way I did when my youngest brother Choan cut open his knee o the bone, and I carried him to this local convenience store to call for help. Blood was gushing all over the place and I kept a cool head, applying pressure to the wound and barking orders to the frazzled attendant of the store. I knew that if she died and we were alone I would keep the situation under control because I was da man o' da house.

Wise to her scheme I walked slowly back into the living room to prove myself more clever. The television blaring like an entity from the Poltergeist movie seemed to prod me on. I stopped at the head of the couch and reached down and touched her forehead.

It is cold.

Are people supposed to be cold when they're asleep? My mind began to race to find an answer to this anomaly. Bad information was put into the program and the computer was malfunctioning. Well your body shuts down at night to conserve energy and repair itself, its logical that it would reduce it's temperature to conserve energy.

I hurry down the hallway to test my new theorem on my brothers. Their shared bedroom is at the back of the apartment the room is chilly but filled with a glow of energy that reminds me of the way you feel after a long hot bath. Monte is closest to the door.

I reach to touch his forehead.

It's warm.

Something isn't right I feel the room began to spin around me, I grab the door frame to steady myself and shake my head to regain focus. Monte is my junior but I think he might be able to help me assess the situation a bit better and shed some light on my confusion.

I shake him.

"Monte I think something is wrong. I felt Mommy's head and it feels cold. Are people cold when they're asleep?"

Before I can finish trying to explain he rushes down the hallway in a frenzy his footsteps sound like a bell tolling in my head as I follow him and find him at the couch shaking Mom and screaming.

"Mom wake up! Mommies wake up! Mom!!"

I am surprisingly calm as I look at him wondering why he's freaking out so. I am feeling a little dizzy, and thinking is getting hard its like trying to run through a pool when the water is above your head. I decide we need an adult intervention and I call Mrs. Church to ask her what to do.

"Hello this is Trevor. Can I speak to Mrs. Church?"

"Hi Trevor it's Mrs. Church. What's the matter?"

"Mrs. Church something is wrong. Mom's forehead feels cold, really cold and she doesn't want to wake up."

I look over at Monte he is crying and holding Mom's hand.

"Listen Trevor calm down and call 911. Then after you call them call me back and let me know what they say"

I am calm, why did she say that?

"OK I'll call you back."

I hang up and look up Chaon is rubbing his eyes and making his way down the hallway.

"Chaon go and sit with Monte and watch TV"

He shuffles oblivious to the foot of the couch between Mom's feet. It's his usual sitting position. Everything is fine here. He groggily sits and stare into the void of the TV not for one moment seeming to acknowledge Monte's visible distress or my rising since of uneasiness.

I pick up the phone and dial 911.

The room seems as if its getting darker even though its mid morning.

"911 Emergency Services. How may I help you?"

"HimynameisTrevorBrownandIthinkthereissomethingthematterwithmymother"

"Trevor. Trevor, calm down and tell me what's the matter."

Why do people keep saying that I am calm.

Breathe. Exhale.

"My mother's head feels really cold... really cold and she won't wake up."

"Trevor slow down and give me your address and I'll send an ambulance over right away OK?"

"MYNAMEISTREVORBROWNILIVEAT1101BROWNSTREETPEEKSKILLNEWYORKAPARTMENT5GZIPCODE10566"

"Thank you Trevor, help is on the way you will be fine"

I didn't feel fine.

The air in the room felt like orange marmalade thick and heavy I felt as if it was getting harder to catch my breath and think. 

I call Mrs. Church gives her an update and she tells me she is going to send her son Marvin over to pick us up and to get dressed. I tell Monte and Chaon to go get dressed. When Monte and Chaon  come back we all sit on the couch and watch Tom & Jerry. It is very hard to focus on the cartoon antics, my mind races over the mornings events wondering if there is something I should have done differently. I look over at Monte's tear streak face and wish I could be as free as him to let go but I don't have that luxury I am da man o' da house and I have got to be strong and keep the situation under control.

I sit quietly dry eyed and wait.

After what seems like a lifetime the intercom rings, I jump up and answer it. It's Marvin and the paramedics. I buzz them in and mindlessly sit back down. I look into Mom's face making a mental note to never forget the expression that is written across it. No more pain of chemotherapy and losing her left breast and hair, or the men in her life hurting her, or even the Cinderella-like betrayal of her family. No more worrying about how she was going to feed us, clothe us, no more rent, no more work for her grey streaked hair. The calmness on her face is like a serene lake in the mountains untouched by mortal hands.

A knock on the door interrupts my inflection. I drift to the door and open it. The paramedics dash through the door and over to the couch.

Too late.

Marvin follows the room is taken over by loud commands and noisy machinery . Marvin tells us to go down to the car out back and wait for him. I try to see what they are doing to Mom but I am pushed out along with my brothers. Wait don't they know I am da man o' da house? I should be right there besides my mother seeing what is going on. But in the rush of everything and the reality that I am just a child I am ignored and so I join my brothers in Marvin's yellow car.

This was the last time I saw my mother.

Within the next few days of which I have little to no recollection I was eventually shuffled off to the Bronx to live with my paternal grandparents and my brothers off to live with my Cousin Margaret. What about a funeral or memorial you ask? They said we were too young to go to a funeral that we would not have understood or know how to behave.

TOO YOUNG to mourn your mother's death the woman who had carried you for nine months in her belly, breast fed you at her teat, the woman you had lived your entire life with? Too young to say good bye to someone who fed clothed and nurtured you, who defended you when people were out to hurt or mislead you? Too young indeed!

To this day I do not know anything about the disposition of my mother's remains. I heard she was cremated and buried, but I don't know cause of death. Some say it was cancer, some say it wasn't whose to believe. No one has answers to my questions when I ask them. I know that some day I will find her and let her know her man o' da house is doing alright.

[Photos by Brown Estate]

[karlajoyner]

Impossible (Reggie Peters x Reader)

A/n: This was again another request! I definitely enjoyed writing it! If you guys have any requests please comment them or dm me! Also currently working on an Owen Joyner smut that goes a little more into detail than the last so be prepared! Also let me know if you guys think I should make a tag list!

Requested by: @universefangirl (Tumblr)

Warnings: Smut (18+)

————

I sat in my best friends garage listening to her rehearse with her band until it was time.

"Flynn's gonna love this" I said looking up from my sketch book.

"Thanks y/n/n. I honestly don't know what I would've done if you hadn't believed me"

"Well at first I didn't. But you proved your point Jules" I said remembering how I just thought they were normal boys at first. Cute normal boys.

"I just hope she forgives me" The girl sighed looking down. I looked back at the rest of her bandmates who like all guys stood there awkwardly. They all sent me a look begging me to comfort her. I rolled my eyes standing up.

"Julie we've all been best friends since kindergarten. We've been through everything together. This is just another one of those things we have to get through" I said going to pull her in for a hug from behind.

"Thanks. Again. It really means a lot"

"What are best friends for?" I smiled as she hugged back the room going silent.

“You never know how long your supposed to wait in this type of situation before you can talk again you know?" (If you know where that's from I love you) Luke said making my head whip towards him.

"Maybe a little longer" The brunette spoke making me facepalm.

I looked back at the group nervously to see them giving me a thumbs up. My gaze quickly finding the cute bass player who sent me an air kiss. I jokingly pretended to catch it earning disgusted looks from the rest of the band.

"Gross" Julie joked.

"Shut it Molina" I warned turning around to go bring our other friend in. I was startled at the sudden sound of knocking outside the doors. Hearing a few chuckles from behind me as I opened the door.

"Hey Flynny" I smiled using the nickname I gave her when we were kids.

"Y/n? What are you doing here? Where's Julie?"

"I'm right here" Said girl called from behind me.

"Thanks for coming we just wanted to rehearse the song so it was perfect which it's not but whatever"

"No if I'm gonna hear a song from your imaginary ghost band I want it to be perfect so get back in there" Flynn said waving us back.

"All of you. You too" She said pointing to absolutely nothing.

"She's not lying Flynn. They're real"

"Oh my god now you've got y/n/n in on your imaginary ghost band? Do you play air drums?" Flynn's asked placing a hand on my shoulder.

"No that's Alex. I'm not in the band per se but I watch them rehearse all the time. Plus my boyfriends in it"

"Oh so she really sucked you in. So where are they?"

"They're not out here"

"Oh I know" Flynn said patting Julie's shoulder before walking in. I looked at the girl beside me playfully rolling my eyes.

Flynn had always been the logical one out of the three of us. So no doubt this was gonna have to be good. I shut one of the doors behind us while Julie shut the other before making my way towards the boys who stood there looking excited.

"Good luck" I whispered. Placing a quick kiss to Reggies cheek.

"Oh so my best friends just kissing the air now. That's great. What's your moms number again?" She asked pulling out her phone. I playfully rolled my eyes taking a seat on the couch pulling up my sketch book once more.

I was currently working on a drawing for the guys. Something that screams were alive. As Luke put it.

"All right guys you ready? Uh actually can you go over there. Reggie needs some space to rock out and he feels kinda weird walking through you" Julie said. Flynn letting out a chuckle.

"Boy when you create a world you really live in it"

"Just sit" Julie said sitting her down in an empty chair.

"If you'll notice there's no equipment that will produce a hologram. Feel free to look around. The guys took a poem that I wrote about you and put it to music"

"Y/n helped" Reggie interrupted making me smile.

"I'm sorry. The guys and y/n"

“Aww! I wish I didn't have to talk to your parents after this"

“Come on Flynny it's a great song"

"If you say so y/n/n. So when did you go crazy?" She asked placing a hand on her knees.

"It's called Flying Solo. Hope you like it" I smiled upon hearing the opening notes of the song.

J- If I leave you on a bad note

Leave you on a sad note

I know all your secrets

You know all my deep-dish

Guess that means some things they never, they never

Change...

We both know what I, what I, what I

Mean...

When I look at you it's like I'm looking at me

I looked up from my book when Flynn let out a scream signalling she could finally see them.

All- My life, my life would be real low, zero, flying solo

My life, my life would be real low, zero, flying solo without you

Hey! yeah-e-yeah

Hey! yeah-e-yeah

My life, my life would be real low, zero, flying solo without you

I grinned at Flynn who gave me a horrified look.

"Are you seeing this?" She whispered. I only nodded giggling at her reaction.

J- Yeah, you know who I'm likin'

Way before I liked them, duh...

Cause you liked them first

And if somebody hurts you

I'm gonna get hurt too

That's just how we work, yeah, that's just how we work

It will never

Change...

We both know what I, what I, what I

I bit my lip watching my boyfriend sing at a close proximity with Luke. Something that I'll never get used to. But definitely enjoyed. When they finallly separated Reggie sent me a wink as he sang the chorus. Luke gradually making his was over to me sitting down on the armrest beside me.

My life, my life would be real low, zero, flying solo

My life, my life would be real low, zero, flying solo without you

I chuckled as Luke scared Flynn. Instinctively I smacked his arm. Earning a confused look coming from the girl as Julie pulled her away towards Alex and Reggie.

Hey! yeah-e-yeah

Hey! yeah-e-yeah

I watched closely as Flynn attempted to touch my boyfriend only to have her hand go right through him.

"Weird right?"

"They're ghost!" "Oh we prefer musician spirits"

"But y/n" Flynn said pointing at me.

"We don't understand it either. But she can see and touch them. It's not the same for both of us" Julie explained showing how her hand went through Reggie as well.

“Julie so does this mean you're joining the our band?"

"Umm actually I think you're joining her band"

"I'm gonna go with what she said" Julie said sticking a hand out for me. I grinned taking it.

My life, my life would be real low, zero, flying solo

My life, my life would be real low, zero, flying solo without you

Julie sang the three of us dancing along.

"You're crazy" Flynn mouthed to me making me smile wider. She tilted her head to the side pointed at the bassist who had his focus on me.

Hey! yeah-e-yeah

Hey! yeah-e-yeah

I moved away from the two girls to let them have a moment. Reggies bass playing coming to a halt. Instinctively I moved to his side. His arm finding my waist and pulling me close. A chuckle leaving his lips.

My life, my life would be real low, zero, flying solo without you

Julie harmonized coming forehead to forehead with Flynn.

"Still wanna talk to our parents?"

"No I'm good" Flynn said the two girls hugging.

"Bring it in y/n/n!" Julie said opening her arms wider. I smiled kissing Reggies cheek before rushing to engulf my best friends in a group hug.

"I'm really glad Flynn enjoyed the song today" I spoke after a long day. I was finally able to sit in at my desk and continue drawing in my sketchbook.

With Reggie present in the room as well. Like most nights.

"I did too. She seems like a cool girl"

"Oh she is Reg. She was literally my first ever friend and with Julie the three of us have been inseparable since" I explained to my boyfriend who moved his arms behind his head.

"Well then I guess I'll have to get to know her better. For your sake of course" He said the room falling into a comfortable silence with exception of my soft music playing in the background.

Ed Sheeran to be exact. He had easily become one of the boy's favorites new artist. So when they hung out in my room I played him a lot. Along with other artists of course.

It had been about 15 minutes of my pencil hitting the paper when I finally looked up to see Reggie gazing at me.

"Have you been staring at me this whole time?"

"Maybe"

"Why?" I asked.

"Because your adorable"

"Really Reg. Look at you. Your a hot teenage ghost rocker from the 90's and you think I'm adorable" I giggled.

"I love your laugh" He stated my cheeks immediately heating up.

"Thanks" I smiled shyly.

"I love you" He spoke again. My heart stopping.

That was the first time either of us had said that. Since the night I met them in Julie's garage to now. Those were the last words I never expected anyone to say that wasn't family or Julie or Flynn.

Upon not hearing a response the look on his face dropped as he pulled himself to the edge of the bed in front of me.

"I-I mean you don't have to say it b-back I was just thinking out loud but like I could have been t-talking about anything like pizza. I love pizza. P-pizzas good well except pineapple pizza kinda of sort of. Actually you know what's really good cheese pizza that's nice I really like it-" I quickly cut him off by placing a tender kiss to his lip. Feeling his hands cup my cheeks the warmth of them making me feel safe. Loved.

I wanted more of him. I wanted to feel all of him.

Finally breaking apart I smiled at the boy in front of me.

"What?" He asked as I gazed into his beautiful brown eyes.

"I love you too Reg" His small smile only getting bigger.

He quickly removed the sketchbook away from me. Placing me onto his lap.

"Are you sure?"

"I don't think I've ever been more sure of anything my whole life" I smiled as he pushed a strand of hair behind my ear.

"Kiss me" I whispered. Reggie immediately taking action.

I giggled as he began to kiss down my neck my hands flying to remove his red flannel. He was quick to remove it himself among my request. His other hand gripping my waist. I took this as my opportunity to fix myself on his lap straddling him. Like I'd done so many times before.

Our lips met in the middle as we both kissed each other with such force. Such passion. I smirked into the kiss as I placed my hand under Reggies tank top. His reaction something I hadn't expected.

"W-what are you doing?" He asked pulling away to look me in the eyes. I bit my lip giving him a look.

"Oh" He said letting out a breath.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah"

"Have you ever....." He trailed off. I nodded watching his face drop.

"If it helps I didn't really like the guy. And it was a long time ago"

"Oh" He kind of perked up.

"So? Are we good here?" I asked placing a soft kiss on his neck. And another and another. Until finally settling on a spot. Earning a throaty groan from the ghost.

"Yup" He squeaked out making me smirk. I placed my hand where it had been previously hiking it up his shirt. He quickly removed it before pulling me back in for a rough kiss.

"Reggie" I moaned as I began to grind on him only earning a soft whimper from the boy. Thankful my parents were out of town. Not for Reggies sake but mine.

"Come on y/n/n don't tease me now"

"You asked for it Reg" I smirked standing up. I smiled noticing how intently he was watching my next moves. I quickly removed my shirt and bra watching him gulp down nervously.

"Like what you see?" I asked biting my lip nervously.

I watched as he nodded eagerly before continuing. I removed my jeans as well leaving me in my panties before slowly bending down in front of him.

"N-no" He spoke stopping me from reaching toward his jeans.

"W-why not?" I asked confused.

"It's just- I wanna be with you tonight. We have plenty of time for everything else but this. This is different. It's our first time. I mean like not our first times but like our first time together and I-" I quickly cut off his cute rambling again with a kiss.

"I get it Reg. It's about us tonight" I smiled pushing him back onto my bed. Straddling him once more.

“Your so beautiful" He whispered his hands flying to my waist.

"Why thank you Reginald" I spoke bending down to meet his lips. Our bare chest coming into contact for the very first time. I moaned as he toyed with the waistband of my panties.

"Reggie please do something" I mumbled against his lips. He immediately took action flipping us over.

"Are you sure about this?" he asked waiting for my consent.

I simply nodded watching as he removed his jeans and boxers letting his hard on spring free from the contained fabric.

"Reggie" I panted digging my teeth into my bottom lip to widthold from the unholy sounds threatening to escape my lips.

"What baby? What do you want?" He teased pushing his finger against the fabric of my panties.

"You" He quickly ripped apart the thin fabric around my waist letting it fall off my body. Throwing it off to the side.

"Are you ready?"

"Wait!" I shouted pulling open a nearby drawer. I pulled out a condom from a box that had been sitting there for a while.

"Protection? Why do you have that there?"

"Well I knew this day would come Reg. I was hoping it would be with you" I said a smile forming on his face.

"Do you think we'll need it? I mean I'm a ghost"

"Safety first baby"

"Well okay then" He said slipping it on.

"Okay now are you ready?" I nodded as he slowly entered me.

Our moans filled the room as he let me adjust to his size.

"Baby your so tight" "Yeah well it's been a while" I muttered pulling at the hair at the nape of his neck.

"Okay you can move" I said giving him the go.

"If you want me to stop just say so okay?"

"Okay" I confirmed as he lent down to place a kiss upon my lips. He slowly began to move until he found a good pace. His thrust moving faster as a spur of moans left our lips.

"God I love you so much" I mumbled against my lips.

"Mmm. Faster Reg!" I encouraged him really feeling the pleasure course through me now. Getting exactly what I wanted I began to moan louder feeling him hitting my G spot at the perfect angle.

"Right there" I spoke feeling a knot forming in my lower stomach.

"I'm so close baby"

"Me too" He panted. We both released our orgasms at the same time relief washing over me as he pulled out. I laid back on the bed watching him throw the condom in the trash can under my desk.

"That was amazing" He said coming back to hover over me.

"It was" I smiled up at him. Pulling him down from behind his neck for another kiss. "I love you baby. I love you so much"

"I love you more" I said as he laid down beside me pulling the covers over us.

"Impossible"

[boop-le-snoot]

I don't get it. Why do you spend so much time writing disgusting things about men twice your age (or the ones that don't exist at all)? It's incredibly sad. If you have a man, I hope he finds this "blog", if you can even call it like that, and re-evaluates his decision to date you. No normal ADULT woman spends so much time in the La-La land without neglecting her friends and significant others. And the way you objectify those men, women yell about the same thing when men do it. You're no better.

Hey anon, I was expecting you. I see that you've actually attempted to step up your game (lmao) and didn't go through with your usual "nobody cares you're alive" bullshit.

x But you caught me, red-handed. I'm a maladaptive daydreamer, and yes, I have been diagnosed. The funny thing, when it's this severe, it's classified as a form of disassociation, which is a learned response to repeated trauma, the kind that happens again and again and again and the victim survivor cannot stop it so the mind just shuts down. It's possible to unlearn-it with extensive and expensive therapy, but why would I? It's my happy place to go whenever I'm sad or bored.

That, and my ADHD, because of which boredom feels like a black hole that slowly sucks out my soul and my mind. I'm mentally ill and neurodivergent, but I can guarantee you that 9 out of 10 people have no idea - I'm successful in my field and have a friend circle.

x You're right, no man has been quite able to reach the bar I've set - and that is on me. But, perhaps, I can give you something that will shock you - I do not need a s/o to be happy. I'm actually pretty wonderful on my own. There's a certain joy to be able to come and go freely, to drop my socks wherever I want, to worry about feeding only myself. And I feel sorry for you if you depend on other people to feel validated, needed and etcetera. The stigma of living for yourself expired with the boomer generation, the overtired moms and overworked dads.

x Second thing is, there's a very big difference in how men and women sexualise the people they're attracted to.

I implore you - read ten fanfics here and then go on any male-dominated chat forum and read ten comments there. The men will go on and on about how "slutty (derogatory)" a woman looks, discuss sex acts in a way that shows they consider them to be humiliating, for the woman, the list goes on and on and on.

In my 10+ years of reading fanfic, I have yet to see an x reader fic in which the sex is described to be humiliating for the man. I've yet to see a "Steve Rogers has a small dick", I've yet to see a "Tony Stark can't find the clit lmao" comment, or any other similar derogatory things that men routinely say about women they seemingly want to fuck.

Men put down the women they want to fuck. Women do not put down men they want to fuck. It's really that easy.

Look, I didn't write this post to defend myself, I care very little about what shit some random crisp rat drops in my ask box. I wrote this post for the mutuals you've harassed and honestly, if you could have written one thing, you could've at least told me why do you consider your opinion to be valuable. We sure as hell didn't ask for it lmao

I'm pretty nihilistic, I don't like people. In general. So the things you've said really don't concern me. Idk what you wanted to achieve. If people don't like me, well, don't let the door hit you 🖐🏻

[shelby-love]

JAY HALSTEAD

“The start of something amazing”

Requested: yes

Prompts: none

Warnings: none

Authors note: This is my "most famous" work ig. I wrote this when I started this blog back in November 2019 and I've gotten MUCH better at writing so I thought why not edit it?

~

MASTERLIST

"Ambulance 61, truck 81, squad 3. House fire West Street Lane 54 45."

Upon hearing the announcement boom through the fire house, Gabriela Dawson found herself standing frozen. The sudden loudness made it clear of what awaited beyond those doors, getting the members of 51 on they feet.

Hopping to your feet, you made your way outside, though stopping in your steps upon noticing Gabby's posture. Tapping her shoulder, you gathered her attention. "Don't worry Dawson," You smiled reassuringly. "Casey and I will be right behind you."

Gabby was nervous, that much was obvious. Making it to truck took a lot of effort and strain on her part. She didn't want to feel so frightened, but she couldn't help the fact that every call gave her big nerves.

"Your boyfriend is the lieutenant," You joked casually. "You'll be fine."

You start changing into your gear, glancing up at Gabby as you do so. Clicking your tongue, you say, "Look, after shift. Tonight; you, me, Casey and Jay. A double date at Molly's."

She smiles and follows you into the truck, "Yeah, I'd like that."

Your friends settled inside, scooting over upon seeing you climb into the vehicle. Sitting next to Mouch, you leaned your head against his shoulder, listening closely to what was being said around you.

"What do you think?" Asks Herrmann, shifting his weight until he got comfortable in his spot. "Is this some kind of a oh-I-forgot-to-turn-off-the-stove call or is it something serious?"

You've been in stronger fires, burning 20 or more story building that sorta thing, making this something that was supposed to be easy peasy. It's a house fire. They happen every day unfortunately.

"I hope it's nothing serious. I barely slept last night," You tell him truthfully, remembering the toss and turning you had to go through.

Gabby nodded in understanding, "You feeling okay now?"

You nodded with a grimace, "Must be the Thai Jay and I had."

"Anyway," you began. "Isn't Street Lane like the fanciest part of Chicago or something?"

"Yeah that's where all the millionaires live," Otis replied, glancing behind the steering wheel ever so slightly in your direction.

You felt Mouch shrug, the sudden movement had your head rolling off his shoulder, though you were quick to place it back, Mouch tapping his palm against your head.

After 10 minutes or so, that ended up feeling like hours due to Gabby's constant taps against the floor of the vehicle, everyone jumped out of the truck, giving you the impression that the truck itself is on fire.

Outside, neighbors buzzed with anticipation, stepping out of the way when told to. "Everyone let's open up the roof! Y/LN you're with Severide on this one."

You gave Matt a nod of determination before running over to where squad is prepped to enter the burning house. The modern 3 story home on normal occasions looked mind blowing, giving everyone in passing envy to feel.

But at the moment each story was decorated with blazing fire, sucking out the luxury. "Y/LN there's a scared kid upstairs, her mom says she won't talk to us. We need you to try for us. "

You nod, "Yes Lieutenant."

Kelly gives you a rougish smile, one that used to make you week in the knees, "Good. Now go. Top floor."

With Mouch aiming the long ladders to the top window, you start climbing them. After climbing them up and down numerous amounts of times, the thought of doing so felt like a second nature now.

For a brief moment, you remembered how scared you were in the academy. You shook your head immediately, not quite understanding where the sentiment was coming from.

Was it just you or were you drifting off to memory land more often lately?

You grab the window by its sill, ignoring the flashing memories and throw yourself inside.

Your hands grasped your radio immediately, "I'm in chief. Fire department call out!"

There's no response so you put on your mask and make your way deeper inside the room. Glancing around, you assess the room for possible hiding spots.

Only to find none.

The king sized bed, similar to the one at your own home, is on fire and so is most of the furniture surrounding it. You kick the door of the wardrobe with your leg only to find no one inside.

You walk outside and into the wide hallway, barely being able to see from the smoke and blazing orange flames. You call out again, though louder this time before kicking open the first door to your left. "Fire department call out!"

The voice that answers is so faint that if Gabby were inside, she would've surely missed it. But as someone with experience, the voice was recognizable and you knew that there was someone inside. "Call out!"

Somehow, while the furniture around the window, including the window itself, was being eaten away by fire, the furniture by the door being safe from the fire.

Not for long.

You spot a toy box in the only avaliable corner in the room, moving ever so slightly. Almost as if someone was trying to get out.

Toys of all shapes and sizes are scattered all around the box, urging you to slowly make your way to it before pushing it over the proper way.

A gasp leaves your mouth involuntarily.

The little girl looked around 5, her body too small and fragile to belong to a girl older than that.

She looked at you with bright blue eyes, catching you off guard with the electrical glow they had. A story of fear pushed through her irises, letting you know of the trust issues that colored her.

The girl shakes her head violently and coughs out whatever she can, breaking your heart with the actions. Without a second thought, you pulled your mask over your head, taking it off even when it tangled itself with your hair. "I need you to come with me, sweetheart. The fire is growing and it's not safe here anymore. Your mommy is waiting for you outside, come sweetie let me help you."

If you could describe her anxiety with words, you'd compare it with the fire. Overwhelming and strong. "Hey, hey sweetie it's okay...I'm going to help you, my name's Y/N."

She looked at you, giving you the impression that she was analyzing you. Eventually she did seem to come to a conclusion that she indeed was not safe inside.

After her nod, you didn't waste time by placing your mask over her head, pressing the button to release oxygen. After scooping her into your arms, the little girl wrapped both her arms and legs around you. Grateful that she trusts you, you ran into the hallway and toward the very window you came through.

But Wallace Boden stopped you before you could do so much as take a step toward the door. "Y/LN go down immediately! The house is going to blow!!"

You heart races for a tiny bit and you sprint to the staircase. You feel the girl shaking in your arms but you don't let that stop you for a second, the need to get out taking over. Brushing your hand over her dirty, smoke colored hair you whispered into her ear. "You're gonna be okay..."

The pressure the fire had on the upstairs floor finally gathers into an explosion. The force of the blow sends you flying down the stairs, urging you to wrap yourself tighter against the child, protecting her with every fiber in your body. You back hurts immensely but you manage to stand up, "Chief!"

Fire continues to grow, ignoring your whimpers and coughs. Your ankle seemed to twist in the process of falling but you bite down your bottom lip, chewing down on it until you drew blood and walk no matter the pain.

You spot the open window, and don't think twice before sprinting toward it even with an ankle being the way it was. The ladders are placed securely placed against window stills, allowing you put the little girl on them and let Hermann take her despite her whails of protests.

While waiting for her to be helped down the ladders, you turned around and slammed the door shut behind you. The pain in your back intensifies and you feel you lip bleed from both the inside and outside.

And then you see it.

The fire just under the door, you feel the pressure it has on the door. It's going to burst.

Without thinking, and in just the right time - you jump out of the window.

The moment you're out and flying in the air the explosion that was building up finally breaks, sending everything to chaos.

You catch the ladders by the cold metallic railing just in time, though it doesn't take a second before your fingers start to loosen their hold.

Knowing that the ladder will slip right through your fingers, you urged your arms to push you upwards but with no avail. The pain you sustained was intense.

"Y/LN HANG ON. WE'RE GETTING YOU DOWN!" You hear your Chief yell and true to his words, you were lowered down.

It was sudden, the feeling of losing consciousness. Everything that had happened while you were inside seemed to catch up to you with great speed. The pain in your back and ankle, your rigid breathing and tight lungs, busted lip and bruised face. 5 feet in the air and you finally lose the hold you had on the ladder.

You fall to the ground and before you could even reach it - you were out cold.

***

You wake up in the hospital, April hovering over you with a warm smile. You try to move but you feel sore all over, your attempts at moving being a twitch of your fingers. "Take it easy Y/N. I'll go tell them they can come see you now."

Your mind starts replaying images of what happened. You smile lightly. I jumped out of a freaking window.

"April, is Jay-"

Your eyes widen when you see Jay rushing in, before you could even finish your question. April points to him with a smirk, leaving you two be and giving you privacy by pulling the curtain closed.

"Jesus Y/N you freaked me out." Jay sighed, immediately leaning in to kiss you forehead. Your eyes immediately spot the badge around his waist, it glimmers under the light above you. "Did you ditch work for me, babe?"

"Damn right I did," Your boyfriend replied, quite proudly you noted, leaning toward your parted lips with his own. The kiss was sweet, filled with unshed worry that turned to relief after a moment. It felt as though Jay was reassuring both you and himself that you were okay. "I came here as soon as I heard what happened."

You squeeze his hand in gratitude, watching with teary eyes as he brushes a few misplaced strands of hair out of your face, tucking them softly behind your ears. Jay's brother Will, come in the room soon after. Behind him stood Jeff, a very close friend of yours.

"Hey guys." You greet them, rather brightly after Jay wiped a fallen tear off your face. "Jeff how's the med life been treating you?"

You missed seeing Jeff at work, daring to admit it felt lonely without him to a degree. "Eh, good enough. I miss the fire."

Will slapped his shoulder lightly.

"Yeah, I bet you do," You said with a chuckle, before gesturing to yourself and your body with a hand that wasn't held tightly in Jay's. "I mean, how could someone not miss this."

Everyone laughed at your words until Will deemed appropriate to speak up in regards to your medical condition, "Well, Y/N... You and your baby are going to be just fine. I'll get started on the discharge-"

Baby? "Baby? Will what did you say?" Jay asled, his face looking the same level of confused as yours.

"I said that Y/N and her baby are-"

"I'm pregnant?" You asked in disbelief. How?

"Yes Y/N you're 9 weeks along." said Will with a smile, "Congratulations you two."

We were careful, was your only thought. Not that the news were bad.

Just surprising.

"But I'm on the pill-" You started, only to remember the medication you took a few months ago as a way to fight away the sickness you were feeling.

You weren't a paramedic, nor an doctor in any sense. But it wasn't hard to put two and two together.

"Will...Can certain antibiotics dilute my birth control and stop it from working?"

Will creased his eyebrows, but deciding to answer nevertheless. "Yes. It depends on which ones you use but most of the time that's the case," Will confirms your suspicion. "I'm guessing you didn't know."

"We didn't," answered Jay for the both of you.

You didn't even feel the onset of tears that rushed down your cheeks, "I'm going to be a mom."

Happiness surged through your body, making it the moment you knew that you wanted this. Your pregnancy might have been unexpected but you wouldn't change it for the world. One look at Jay, who had his face nested against your twined hands and all was confirmed.

You pull yourself up into a sitting position, kissing his head until he rose his head to meet your eyes with the same amount, if not more tears in his blue eyes. Jay pulled you in for a passionate kiss, not caring about the company. "A mini us."

Your smile reached the sky and you put a hand to your belly as a result. Something so beautifully pure and innocent grew inside of you, being the gift of love.

You're having a child with the man who loves you like the night sky loves it's stars.

But then, so suddenly guilt washes over you. The air around you changed, making Jay furrow his brows. You could've lost the baby today. A baby you didn't even know you were carrying. If you knew, there was no way in hell you would've walked into that house and continued working no matter how much you loved your job.

"Your mommy and daddy love you." You whispered, running your free hand over your slightly swollen stomach, "Your mom is so sorry for what happened today."

Jay kissed your temple, reassuring you that none of what had happened was your fault. A moment later, you found yourself smiling. You met Will's eyes. "Will you're gonna be an uncle."

The older Halstead shrugged, but the pride and joy was flickering in his eyes as he scanned the monitor. "You bet. I'm happy for you two, man really I am."

"Don't worry bro. Your time will come too," Jay told him before he stood up and hugged his brother. You wouldn't be surprised, him and Natalie are an adorable couple.

"I'm happy for you Y/N. Congratulations." Jeff rubbed your shoulder. You beamee at him. "I'll go and get them."

By them he meant your colleagues; family.

Silvie and Gabby were the first ones to be rushed in, followed by the rest of the fire house until the trauma room was crammed with pure muscle. "Y/N are you okay??"

Jay, who had left the room with Will to sign some papers pushed through to stand by your side once again, "They're okay."

You tried your best to not laugh at their confused expressions, barely even holding it in when Kelly muttered something about how Jay wasn't even injured.

On que Will turns on the ultrasound (perhaps because the brothers talked it through in the hallway) and gasps are heard all around, filling the small room with emotions that ranged from surprise and disbelief to pure joy for you and Jay.

With gel on your belly, Will starts moving the transducer and soon a small baby can be seen on the screen, a really small baby, but a baby nevertheless. Tears in your eyes piled up once again and you squeeze Jay's hand joyfully. You could hear Silvie say, "I think I'm going to faint."

Life just became a hell of a lot more exciting and you couldn't wait to experience every part of it with the man you love most on this world.

Rounds of congratulations happen after that, each and every one of them saying different things once they're left alone with you.

Mouch asked Jay to send a kiss to Sargeant Platt; Hermann got Cindy and his kids on video chat, continously welcoming you to the family life; Severide actually had gloss in his eyes because he was so happy, though he did everything in his power to not admit to it.

Gabby and Casey canceled your double date at Molly's because they want you on bed rest. They said they'll bring takeout to your shared place instead.

"Just no Thai, please."

[sporadic-writer]

Welcome to the neighborhood

Warnings: swearing, mentions of drugs (just weed, I smoke responsibly sorry if reading about it bothers you), as always stop reading if you don't like it.

Note: idk which twin has the girlfriend, Sam or Harry. So let me know. Also, let me know who you guys want this to be about (Tom or Harrison). Another thing is that I wrote this before my country fully flushed itself down the shitter in chaos and injustice. So let’s all read this to escape a tad and for some metal rest. BLM!

The teaser I wrote to start is here

°•○•°○•°○•°○•°○•°

"Yeah mom.. no I'm fine! Really! Haha promise! They tested me and told me since it's negative then they will add me into the adjusted hours group. They said I can get at least 2 full days a week in rotating with the other keepers. I just gotta fill some paperwork out first." You walked around your back deck and tended to plants while speaking on the phone to your mom back home in Iowa.

"Y/N are you sure? You being in another country during all this makes me so nervous. It's so easy to get sick sometimes." You rolled your eyes at the dramatics.

"I'm set here! I still have a job, a place to live thanks to Renee's husband, and no coronavirus. I'd say I'm alright." Talking to your mom despite her worries did put s smile on your face. The sun was shining and the air was finally not cold as hell in England. You finally felt settled now that you had more time to move into your new home. Your mother kept talking and soon got called that dinner was ready. "Ok mom love you too. Tell dad I said hi!"

After hanging up you looked for the head you noticed peaking at you earlier while you talked. There was nothing, but you did hear the guys who lived next door talking about your cousin's husband as 'old pool guy' and wanting to use the hot tub. It made you laugh and you made a mental note to find them later and invite them since they wanted to hang out so badly.

You didn't know much about them other than it was just guys. They all seemed to know each other for a while and at least 2 of them were brothers. That is all you gathered from some occasional eavesdropping. Downside of social distancing starting right after moving into the cute little place given as a congrats at your first real job. You never saw everyone's faces to distinguish each guy. Your cousin’s husband had the place outside London and never really lived there anymore, and rather than sell it he gave it to you. Easier than finding a shitty apartment with way too high rent. Plus, Renee would not let you say no. So you didn't. Thanks Xander!

After finishing checking the water level on the pool and tub to round out the to do list, you were about to go inside to finish new employment paperwork when a soccer ball got sent over into your yard. It came from the boy's yard. No time like the present to break the ice you thought as walked to get said ball.

Smiling and laughing to yourself you heard exclamations happening among the group of men. You popped your head up by standing on your deck railing and they looked to you. They apologized over nothing and you thought it was sweet. Plus, it was nice to actually get a proper look at their faces. You still didn't really know their names, but at least now they were coming over around 8 for hot tub time and drinks.

TIME SKIP

"Thanks for letting us come over! Though, sorry for talking about your family and place without even properly meeting you." The man speaking, Tom as you learned, smiled as you handed him a drink.

You shook your head in protest. "Really it's fine. This is my cousin Xander's place. I just got a job at the London zoo and this was a congrats gift. Sorta to take out the struggle of finding a shitty apartment. Plus, I've been busy over there so that's why you have not seen me much. Still working out my schedule, plus a virus." While talking you lifted the cover off the hot tub. "Now, I believe there was a purpose to this visit?"

"Despite my brother's lack of tact before, that wasn't why we actually wanted to hang out with you. We wanted to meet you as well." Tom's smile made you do the same in return. You looked to the guys on your deck and chuckled.

"Then why did you come in swim trunks if that wasn't the objective?" You caught them and knew it based off the blush on Harry's face. "I'm teasing. It's totally fine. You guys get comfy, jet buttons are on the side, I'm gonna change and grab some more beers and such." You let them be as you changed into your suit in your room. You made sure you were all set and presentable. It was quick and you put your hair in a pony tail while walking to your fridge. Grabbing some bottles you made your way back to the group.

Passing them around you spoke, "Sorry if these suck. I'm still figuring out which beers here I like. I had American ones but finished those. So I don't know fully what does and doesn't suck."

They took their bottles and Tuwaine smiled at you. "There are English equivalents I can tell you. Now I gotta ask, and don't take offense. But why does it smell like perfume and weed out here Y/N?"

"Yeah I smelled that too! Thought it was the chemicals from the tub or something.." The man learned to be Harrison looked at the hot tub he sat in in reference. You blushed at being caught. Eyes went wide slightly as well. Then you mentally scolded yourself after turning and seeing your ash tray and formally lit joint on the deck table.

"Haha yeah you caught me. The perfume is Chanel, put that on before you came, and the pot is well.. pot! Smoked that before you came... Y'all aren't narcs are you? If you're chill I'll share." You didn't need things to go sour first time hanging out with neighbors. You needed friends your age here outside of work!

Tom laughed and smiled. "Relax darling, it's fine." He watched you let out a breath of relief. None of them were ones to judge someone on what they do casually in their free time. "Maybe another time on the sharing though, I'm set. Just tell us about yourself."

"Well offer stands and I will finish that in a bit full disclosure. But me, 22, recently employed keeper at the London zoo, umm I'm from Boise, Idaho, mom and dad are back there, very easy going, and a big fan of nature and having fun! I got my degree from University of Wisconsin and this is my first time being overseas, only been to Canada in regards to international travel. Any specific questions?" They all took in your short backstory as you climbed in with them in the tub; instantly relaxing in the hot water, eyes closing as you drank your beer. Harrison was quickly taking in the details of your face. A few ear piercings, long eyelashes coated in pretty mascara, nice jewelry on too. He got the sense you were chill and put together. Plus, you seemed to know how to have a good time regardless of the situation.

"Boyfriend?" Harry's question led to a glare from his brother and a small smile from you.

You shook your head no. "Nope, we ended things a little before I moved here. Mutual thing, he is working on his masters back home. Even if I stayed that would've ended things because it becomes your whole world really."

"You have your masters?" Tom noticed you shaking your head no and listened as you explained you took a job here instead.

"I need money more than another degree. So I'm here kickin' it in a hot tub with 5 fun Brits instead!" Your smile was contagious to the guys. Soon more drinks were had and stories were shared. They all really took a liking to you. “Now tell me about yourselves!”

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I am gonna make this a series, length not decided. And for real let me know to have the main love interest be Tom or Harrison. I don’t care either way. 

As always, like and reblog! Feedback is appreciated as well!

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@jillanaholland @averyfosterthoughts