#and my father is basically unavailable emotionally. we don't really have deep conversations he doesn't ask about uni or stuff i do/like
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#it's 2:36am and you're sitting on your bed sobbing because you tried to sleep but you remembered your parents arguing at one night when you#were a little kid and you tried to think of a happier memory to help yourself but you realized you don't have a happy childhood memory#because you only remember sad things#i can remember hearing them shouting at each other and i covered my ears and said “lalala” loudly and continuously so i wouldn't hear them#my mother came in and asked why i was doing it#and after that i was sent to my grandmother to spend the nights there#and then some time later my father brought me home and my mother told me she'd leave soon and she gave me her silver necklace#guys i don't have happy childhood memories. this is... this isn't really a new realization but for some reason i'm shocked by it now#because until now i thought i had some but now i realized i really don't have any. all of the moments i can remember are sad.#i wasn't physically abused (except a few “teaching” slaps that are sadly considered normal here) but the mental part of the things#is pretty rough because if i can remember well my mother was (probably still is) depressed and she took meds and had panic disorder and was#pretty unstable and blame things on me and then beg for me to forgive#and my father is basically unavailable emotionally. we don't really have deep conversations he doesn't ask about uni or stuff i do/like#or anything basically. he gives me money but money won't solve the problems#i don't know how it feels to be in a healthy family. when i see children having a healthy relationship with their parents it makes me#uncomfortable because my father never hugs or even touches me#i should sleep because i wanna wake up at a reasonable time tomorrow and it's already 2:55#i wish i could dream about happy and healthy childhood moments#my useless posts
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