#and my fantasy is often that the izzys of the world in all their forms don't just knock it off

[knowlesian]

my last post and the shameless mountain goats reference i threw in there got me thinking about one of my favorite story beats, because it combines a lot of character work and thematic oomph in one: ed being a victim of his own legend and ability to protect himself by hiding in plain sight + codeswitch into the version of himself that best suits the company/situation he’s in, in many ways but often most visibly through his interactions with izzy.

my take on “is blackbeard real or fake” has always been “yes”; blackbeard is pieces of ed filtered and strained and assembled and pruned down in ways that scarred him even as they kept him safe, in ways that are very sad and often stretching the definition of safe as far as ed’s personal definition of murder. nonetheless: it got him to the place he's at, still alive. could he have done it another way? who knows! that was the way he did it, it's the way he knows will work because it did work.

or: he thinks he knows that. but the legend was never all of ed and in fact demanded he spotlight pieces of himself he doesn't like so much a lot and repress a lot of the things that make him feel good, it’s not helping/hurting anymore. it’s just dragging him down.

so ed is sick of the blackbeard schtick; and here’s the rub. if he’d been worse at the art of personal fuckery alongside the pirate type, maybe none of this is happening. the world never knows his name; or worse, once he gets spotted as a man who won't kill they mock it. 

that version of ed does not attract izzy ‘ask me about my boner for the sunk cost fallacy’ hands, or does not keep him. because izzy has built his identity around ed’s legend; who is blackbeard’s first mate, if there is no blackbeard? who the fuck even is izzy hands, if he’s not seated at the right hand of edward teach?

now. you would hope, in a better world, that izzy would be like you know, edward, the thing here is: you wanting something different involves emotional consequences for me. i would have to figure out my whole life over again and i am simultaneously con o’neill’s age and emotionally sixteen like the real world me was, so you can see that would be super complicated. i have so fucking much baggage and you are just adding to it, and i do not like that. also: this fucks up my work situation and my home life at once, it makes me feel sad and abandoned and itchy in ways i do not wish to label with words because they would be gay ones like ‘please don’t leave me, i love you and i thought it was mutual’ so like... world rocked, thoroughly and in ways that make me want to rant until past last call, in conclusion this sucks and i think it's twenty mistakes in a trenchcoat, some of them maybe life threatening! i wish you would not.

and then he would step back and let ed make his own fucking choices anyway and either do the work to figure himself out in the same space or finally grab those cds from the car and find his own place to do the same, because a shitty fact of adult life is sometimes people cannot be what we want or need. sometimes that is because they suck: sometimes, it’s just because they can’t or don't want to, and that isn't them being mean or withholding. they don't owe us more than the basic kindness and dignity we all owe to each other just because we put in our hours longing for them to do so. that’s some toxic, entitled shit. understandable! an impulse i share at times! but we should never be That Guy (gender neutral) because the friendzone doesn’t actually exist and nobody deserves to win someone else as a prize for hanging around long enough and driving them to the airport. that’s just called being friends, etc.

izzy is sadly currently stuck on being That Guy. so instead of realizing ed is an adult man and can make his own choices, even if izzy thinks they're bad ones, he fucking panics and starts swinging around and finally runs to big daddy england to make stede bonnet stooooooooop (messing with ed’s brain).

and of course he does something like that! he thinks a relationship is when you metaphorically own each other and when you can only be tender after putting your right foot in and then putting it out before once again putting it in and then proceeding to shake it all about, violent rituals unlock love style. he’s a desperate man in a hell entirely of his own making.

and so is ed, in this entirely different way but stuck in his own fucking orbit as firmly as izzy, only ed is trying to claw his way up and out to see what else he can be, while izzy would do juuuust about anything (including lick the king’s boots) to stay the same forever.

that’s some tragic shit. i love this writing team, the end.

[triflesandparsnips]

A Thing I'm noticing in some OFMD fic (and which tbh is a big impetus for my "Stede and medical horror" essay, from which this tangent has been excised) is a sort of creeping trope of Stede as noble hero bringing the beauty and softness of upperclass life to whatever pirate lovers he takes on. This trope relies on a very Bridgerton-style romanticized ideal of Stede, where his only real issue in his previous life was that he was Super Gay -- and so, theoretically, once he's in a place to understand and freely live his Super Gay life, it's assumed that he's basically all set on a personal level.

Conflict in this trope comes in the form of Stede trying to deal with other people's trauma, and he often plays the role of a somewhat bumbling but otherwise beatific psychopomp to the New World of Softness. Much like how the "Regency duke" or the "widowed billionaire" is the idealized lover in some genres of romance, fic that goes this route tends to cast Ed or Izzy or whichever Poor Tortured Pirate Stede shacks up with as a stand-in for the reader themselves, so that they can be comforted and cosseted by Stede and his vast array of indulgences that we're assured it's "okay" to want and that we are good enough to "deserve".

And like... I'm as big a fan of the "intensely rich person has wrapped me in cashmere and is telling me I can nap as often as I like because I'm precious" fantasy as the next person. But when a trope becomes, say, a pervasive fanon instead of just one aspect of a character being examined, it diminishes who that character is, what stories they can tell, and the breadth of the experience they can reflect for readers.

[normal-thoughts-official]

Fandom racism anon here and yeah absolutely (I didn't realise I had anon on lol)

Because while LOTR has problems within its themes (ie the orcs can be seen as to be coded as people of colour, especially since they ride elephants) the explicit message of the book is evil bad

Because the only people who work for sauron are evil. There are no morally grey people, they aren't misguided or tricked they just are evil and want to take over the world

And yeah I totally agree that this is more of a literal take on like empirical war (is that the word) and that makes total sense considering Tolkiens history

Whereas I would say that the allegories in shaowhunters is way more based on racial conflict within a country itself especially slavery, I can't remember if this is show Canon but is it that they have the warlock tropheys? I remember that in the books magnus talks about shadowhunters hanging warlock marks on their walls? (sorry to bring the books up)

Idk it's very hollow to me, unlike with LOTR though it's a different allegory it's totally irritating to show many of these supremecists as morally misled. LOTR says bad guys are bad guys, shadowhunters says well yeah they did follow a guy which thinks that downworlders are subhuman and should be eradicated but they just made a mistake

I want to compare this to tfatws which while it isn't really fantasy I just feel like it shows how the priorities of the writer can impact the message of the show so powerfully (I know u aren't up to date so I'm gonna be pretty vague)

There's a scene in tfatws where the new white perfect captain America does something bad and doesn't pay for the consequences - done to comment on white privelege and how America condones white supremacy and how Sam is in comparison to that

Mayrse and Robert revealed to be part of the circle! And paid no consequences Shock horror my parents were the bad guys (even rho they were either implicitly or explicitly extremely racist the entire time) also I haven't finished the seires but do the lightwoods ever try to get their parents to face the consequences?)

Only one actual really critiques the situation and the reality behind it whereas the other one is just to centre the white characters once again and present them in a further sympathetic light

AND ANOTHER THING! I was mostly talking about show Canon here and I'm sorry to bring up the books but I literally can't believe I hadn't picked up in this before.

So like downworlders = people of colour, Simon is a vampire so is coded as a person of colour. However in the books in the last one he stops being a vampire and becomes a shadowhunters instead, coincidentally that's also when he starts dating Izzy HOW IS THIS ABLE TO HAPPEN!!????

I mean I know cassandra clare is lazy right? The original seires is by far the worst of all her writings but come ON!!!!! By the allegory has he become the white man!????? These books made no fuckin sense when I read them at 15 and they make no sense now I'm digressing anyways

I don't know man I wrote this ask because I was trying to find some fantasy book recommendations on booktube and SO MANY of them were about slavery or general ly extrême préjudice with à White protagonist to save this 'poor souls'.

Also I was watching guardians of the galexy the other day and realised nearly every movie set in space is just bigger stakes imperialism - planets instead of countries. Literally star wars, star trek, guardians of the galexy 2, avengers infinity war - all are facing genocidal imperialistic villains without actually paying much, if any attention to those effected

Just writing this ask made me exhausted I'm so tired of lazy writing and exploiting other people's struggle. I'm white and I'm trying to be more critical about the movies, shows and books I watch and read but let me know if I said something off here❤️❤️ you gotta get up to date with tfatws man, Sambucky nation is THRIVING!!!!

i'm not sure i agree that the whole "the evil people are evil" thing is a good thing, because i feel like more often than not making the bad characters just like... unidimensionally evil just means that the reader will be like "lol i could NEVER be that guy" and when it comes to racism that is a dangerous road to take because white people already believe that racism is something that Only The Most Evil People, Ergo, Not Me, Can Do, which makes discussions of stuff like subconscious racial bias and active antiracist work become more difficult because people don't believe they CAN be racist unless they're like, Lord Voldemort

which is not to say that racism should be treated as morally ambiguous, just that the workings of racism should be represented as something that is not done only by the Most Hardcore And Evil, but rather as a part of a system of oppression that affects the way everyone sees the world and interacts with it and lives in it

yes the warlock trophies are mentioned in the show, albeit very quickly (there is a circle member who tells magnus that his cat eyes will make "a nice addition to his collection" and then it's never mentioned again because this is sh and we love using racism for shock value but then not actually treating it as a serious plot point or something that affects oppressed ppl). and you are absolutely right, shadowhunters (and hp, and most fantasy books) has genocide as its core conflict and treats it, like you said, in a very hollow way, treating racism as both not a big deal and not something that is part of a system of oppression, but really the actions of a few Very Bad People. it's almost impressive how they manage to do both at the same time tbh

i think you hit the nail right on the head with this comment, actually. for most of these works, racism is SHOCK VALUE. it's just like "lol isn't it bad that this bad guy wants to kill a gazillion people just because they are muggles? now that is fucked up" but it's not actually an issue. in fact, when this guy is defeated, the whole problem is over! racism is not something that is embedded into that world, it's not a systemic issue, it's not even actually part of what drives the plot. the things that led to this person not only existing but rising to power and gathering enough followers to be a real threat to the whole world are never mentioned. it's like racists are born out of thin air, which is dangerously close to implying that racism is just a natural part of life, tbh

anyway my point is, it is never supposed to be questioned, it is never part of a deeper plot or story, its implications are barely addressed except for a few fleeting comments them and there; so, it's not a critique, it's shock value, even though it is frequently disguised as a critique (which is always empty and shallow anyway. like what is the REAL critique in works like hp or sh/tsc other than "genocide is bad"? wow such a groundbreaking take evelyn)

about simon and the book thing: i actually knew about this and the weird thing about this is that, like... simon is jewish, and he's implied to be ashkenazi (calls his grandma bubbe which is yiddish, which is a language spoken by the ashkenazi ppl), and it seems like cc is always toeing the line between him being accepted by shadowhunters and then not accepted by them, which sounds a lot like antisemitic tropes and history of swinging between (ashkenazi) jewish ppl being seen as the model minority myth and thus used as an example by white christians, and being hated and persecuted. i'm not super qualified to talk about this since i'm not jewish and i'm still learning about/unlearning antisemitism and its tropes, and i don't really have a fully formed thought on that, tbh; it just reminds me of the whole "model minority" swinging, where one second simon is part of the majority, the other he's not, but always he is supposed to give up a part of himself and his identity in other to be "assimilated" by shadowhunter culture. this article (link) covers a book on jewish people and assimilationism into USan culture, this article (link) covers british jews' relationship with being considered an ethnic group, and this article (link) talks a bit about the model minority myth from the perspective of an asian jewish woman

it just really calls to my attention that cc chose to make her ashkenazi jewish character start off as a downworlder and then become a shadowhunter. i don't think she made that decision as a conscious nod to this history, because it would require being informed on antisemitism lol but it's incredible how you can always see bigoted stereotypes shining through her narrative choices completely by accident. it just really shows how ingrained it is in our collective minds and culture

and anyway, making a character go from the oppressed group to just suddenly become the oppressor is just. wtf. not how oppression works, but most of all, really disrespectful, especially because she clearly treats it as an "upgrade"/"glowup" that earns him the Love Of His Life

also, out of curiosity, are you french? it seems like your autocorrect changed a few words and i'm pretty sure extrême and préjudice are the french versions of these words, and since u said ur white, that's where my money would be lol

[soldieronbarnes]

Malec prompt - My homophobic parents are coming to visit will you pretend to date me as an extra “fuck you”?

Uhhh this…..completely got away from me? It’s a lot longer and a lot angstier than it was supposed to be….sorry? Not sorry? idk.

___

“Okay, what is wrong withyou?”

The question - and particularly the accusingtone of it - shakes Alec out of his stupor. It’s a testament to how out of ithe is that the only response he manages is an intelligent “huh?” 

He blinks, shaking his head to clear his head,but in the end, Magnus Bane is still standing in front of him, a stack of bookshugged to his chest and eyebrows raised and it’s - well, it’s a lot. It’s alwaysa lot, to be the focus of his attention, to be faced with his….everything:his incandescent beauty, his razor sharp wit and brilliant mind, his smoothcharm or his biting contempt. 

Alec flounders. Magnus Bane is the secret starof all his late-night fantasies, his verbal sparring partner in their shared Introduction to Clave Law class andall-around thorn in Alec’s side. 

They snipe at each other a lot.

What they don’t do is talkoutside of class.

Alec quickly runs through a mental inventory ofthings he might have done to offend Magnus so horrendously that he’s corneringhim in the corridor, eyes blazing, and comes up empty. Unless his mouthdeveloped a mind of its own in the last sixty minutes, there’s nothing he couldhave possibly said. And if there’s one thing that Alec knows how to do is makesure nothing unintended ever slips out of his mouth, to keep his closelyguarded secrets.

“I didn’t do anything,” Alec defendshimself. 

“Exactly,” Magnus says irritably. 

“I don’t follow,” Alec admits. 

“You didn’t participate once this session.What, do you want to tell me the professor can drone on and on about thelegitimacy of Downworlder discrimination and you don’t have an opinion on that?No raising your hand to offer your…..valuable insights?”

“What, are you my professor now?” Alec says,snippy. “I don’t need lectures from you on how active participation is abig part of the final grade.”

“That’s not why I’m asking.”

The last thing he needs right now is picking afight with Magnus, but he can’t help it. “Why are you asking?I’m sure you enjoy class less when you don’t have a convenient punching bag foryour arguments, but newsflash: I don’t owe you an explanation on why I don’twanna engage in that. It’s not like it’s any of your business.” 

“Well, I’m sorry for stepping on your toes byexpressing my concern for your general well-being,” Magnus snaps. “GuessI’ll remove my lowly Downworlder self from your presence before I leave a stainon your perfect reputation or something.”

For the third time in their brief conversation,Alec is completely thrown. “I - that’s not - what?” 

Now that he sees actual fury on Magnus’handsome face, covering up a brief flash of something that looked almost likegenuine hurt, he realises that the expression Magnus wore before was lessfurious and more….furiously concerned. 

He doesn’t think he’s ever been this confusedin his life.

“Magnus, wait!” He struggles to catch up withMagnus’ quick strides – he has a head start, and he’s surprisingly tall, but inthe end, as they’re hurrying down the deserted corridor that leads to the notoriouslyill-tempered professor Fell’s office, Alec’s freakishly long legs win out. “Magnus,will you just –“

He grabs him by the biceps, and Magnus whirlsaround faster than lightning. To his credit, he doesn’t punch Alec in the face.Maia, he knows, would have had a much more violent reaction to being seizedlike this. Most Downworlders would – recent attempts to smooth things overbetween the different factions in the Shadow World haven’t done much to assuagerational fears and suspicions based on several centuries of near constantoppression and maltreatment.

“Sorry, I – sorry,” he blurts out, quicklywithdrawing his hand. “I shouldn’t have grabbed you like that.”

“Don’t worry, I’m not contagious, despite whatyour precious Clave might tell you,” Magnus sneers.

“Can you just stop for a second?” Alec snaps. “Don’tput words in my mouth!”

“Why would I?”

“I’m trying to apologise here!”

That seems to take Magnus aback. “For what?”

Alec takes a deep breath. “I – don’t reallyknow what’s going on here,” he admits, waving his hand around in what he hopesis a sufficiently all-encompassing gesture. “I mean, we don’t really….talk, andI guess I was confused and had my hackles up, because I was having a shit dayanyways but – none of that is your fault, and I shouldn’t have taken it out onyou. So I’m sorry.”

Magnus cocks his head. “I appreciate thethought, but as you so astutely pointed out, you don’t owe me an explanation.”

“I did owe you the apology, though.”

Magnus hums contemplatively, and, against allodds, lingers. Alec knows a challenge when he sees one, or maybe it’s aninvitation – he’s misjudged Magnus’ intentions before. He doesn’t really wantto talk about it but – well, if he’s honest, it does grate on him to not havehis siblings around, constantly needling him until he talks about what’sbothering him, and he doesn’t really have friends here to confide in.

He’s been told that friendships often formbetween roommates just by virtue of being stuck with one person in closequarters for a long time, but his roommate Raj is a grade-a asshole, and otherthan that, his options are limited; there aren’t many Shadowhunters here, andthose that do attend generally think he’s insane for being the only one Nephilimvoluntarily choosing to go to thefirst integrated college when he was good enough to attend theShadowhunter-only and highly acclaimed Idris Academy. The Downworlders, on theother hand, who make up a majority of the student body, are all understandablywary and tend to avoid him when they can. He’s cordial enough with a lot ofpeople, but there’s no one he would say he’s actually close to. He’s gettingthere with Maia, he thinks, who’s brazen enough to yell at him and so fargrudgingly impressed by the lack of times he’s given her an actual incentive tostart a fistfight.

So maybe it’s a need for connection, or maybeit’s the fact that Magnus is everything Alec isn’t while simultaneouslyprobably one of the few people who might understand, that causes Alec to talk.

“Campus tours are next week.”

“I’m aware,” Magnus replies, raising hiseyebrows at the sort of non-sequitur.

“My siblings are thinking about going here aswell and – that means the whole family is coming. Including my parents.”

“I take it that will not be a joyous reunion?”

“Uh, no. They’re still angry with me for not goingto Idris like they wanted and –“ Alec hesitates briefly, and then decides tonot give a fuck. The truth is going to be out there soon one way or another. “Andeven angrier with my ruining the marriage they had arranged for me.”

The first, he had been able to mostly explainaway with logical arguments about Shadowhunter politics – if he was supposed tolead an Institute one day and work with Downworlders, he’d need to get a betterunderstanding of them, especially in the changing political climate. The latter– not so much.

Magnus looks almost at a loss for words. “It ismy understanding that arranged marriages are so traditional for Shadowhuntersthat they are virtually unavoidable,” he says cautiously.

“Basically.”

“Another way for you to rebel, then?” Magnussuggests. “Fighting for more freedom of choice?”

Alec shakes his head. “It’s not the arrangementpart that I couldn’t handle. I know my duties, my responsibilities, that’s not –that wasn’t the problem. Many of the couples end up kind of happy, anyway.”

“What part disagreed with you that much, then?”Magnus asks softly. He can probably see where this is going, judging by the wayhe’s now clearly careful of his words and by the way his entire demeanour seemsto soften.

He takes a deep breath, and steels himself. Hishands are trembling, which is stupid – everyone on campus knows that MagnusBane will judge you for pretty much everything, but not for this.  There’s no one else around – everyone knows tomake a wide berth around professor Fell’s office at all times. “The part whereI was supposed to marry a woman.”

Magnus goes to say something, but Alec barrels on.He’s not sure he could stand to hear some supposedly affirming and supportiveplatitudes right now. “They’ll forgive me for the choice of college eventually,I guess, but – not that. Don’t – please don’t say you’re sorry or whatever.Just – it’s just the way it is. I’ll deal with it.”

Magnus accepts that with a nod, and remainsquiet for a long moment. “So what’s the plan?” is what he eventually asks.

It’s not the question Alec was expecting. “Sorry?”

“For the upcoming visit of hell,” Magnusclarifies.

Alec shakes his head. “There is no plan. Getthrough it, I guess. Izzy and Jace will try to intervene when things get out ofhand or take some of the family heat if possible, but there isn’t much thatwill stop them.” He shrugs a little helplessly.

“So what, you’re just going to keep your head downand take it?”

“You got a problem with that?”

“No,” Magnus says quietly. “It just doesn’tseem like your style. You don’t generally strike me as the type of person to letsomething like this slide without a fight.”

“How would you know?” Alec asks, and oh, he’sgetting defensive again now.

Magnus doesn’t take the bait this time. “Alexander,”he says, “as much as we disagree on howthings should change, or how quickly steps must be taken, I haven’t ever seenyou defend a bigoted law or damaging stereotypes. Why are you willing to defendpeople like me from people like your parents, but not yourself?”

Oh, but he had forgotten how scarily perceptiveMagnus can be. “It probably won’t even be that bad,” Alec says, desperatelytrying to deflect. “I’m sure they’ll just use the fact that I’m single to arguethat I’m just confused and will change my mind and it’ll be fine once theyconvince themselves of that.”

For a brief moment, Magnus looks angry. He doesn’tthink anyone but his siblings has ever been angry on his behalf. It’s a strangeexperience. “Sounds like you need a boyfriend to show off to them to stop thatludicrous line of thinking once and for all.”

“Well, I don’t have a boyfriend, so –“

“You could have a boyfriend,” Magnus sayseasily.

Alec snorts. “Yeah, right. Magnus, half thepeople at school won’t even look at me, and I’m not really good at this kind ofthing anyway. Plus, even if I didfind someone to go out with me – who’d want to meet my parents after a week?”

“It wouldn’t need to be real.”

“What, like, hire someone? No one would go forthat, and if I have to pay someone to date me – well, I’d rather spare myselfthat particular humiliation.”

Magnus bites his lip, almost nervously. “Iwould do it,” he offers hesitantly.

Alec stares.

“For free, even,” Magnus adds. “I’m always infavour of sticking it to homophobic and racist bigots.”

“Uh,” Alec says dumbly. “You do know who myparents are, right?”

“The Lightwoods are rather famous, yes,” Magnus says drily.

“Then you know how they’d react to –“ Wordsfail him. He can only weakly gesture between the two of them.

Magnus smiles bitterly. “They are rather famousfor that as well, so yes.”

“Why would you –“ Alec falters. “Why would youwillingly subject yourself to that? Why would anyone – I mean, they’re my family, it’s not like I have a choice – but you shouldn’t have tosuffer through that. Not ever and – you get enough crap from Shadowhunterswithout painting a huge, deliberate target on your back for me.”

In front of him, Magnus’ eyes hold an infinitesadness that threatens to choke Alec. “You know,” he muses, “when I first heardthat the Lightwood heir was going to go the same school as me, I was expecting –well, I was expecting many things, none of them pleasant. But you – I don’tthink I could have predicted a single thing about you. At every turn, youcontinue to surprise me. Look – “ he continues, “if you don’t want to go for itbecause it’s – too much for you, I get it. But if you’re only turning me downto protect me, don’t bother. I don’t need anyone to protect me. There’s nothingthey could say to me that I haven’t heard a thousand times before.”

“That doesn’t make it better,” Alec argues hotly.“You shouldn’t have to hear it at all.”

“And neither should you,” Magnus points out. “ButI can assure you, in my experience, if it can’t be avoided, then it’s easier ifyou have someone there to help you through it, to have your back. You don’thave to do everything alone, Alec.”

It’s – it’s too much. The magnitude of Magnus’offer sends him reeling. Even worse is the heady feeling of being judged byMagnus Bane and being found worthy when that notion of getting his approval isutterly ludicrous to him. Magnus shouldn’t choose him. Not like this, not ever,maybe. When Alec had run after him he’d at best expected a chance to extend an olivebranch that would help them get back to the way things were. A part of himthink he shouldn’t even be contemplating it, but –

It would be so good to not be alone in this,for once.

He draws in a shaky breath. “It’d be ugly,” hewarns.

Magnus’ smile is small and lopsided, but it’s there.“Fighting for something important usually is.”

“Right.”

“Do you have class now?”

Alec blinks at the sudden change of topic. “Notuntil five.”

“Then how about we get some coffee and just –talk, figure things out?”

“Yeah. Yeah, sure, that sounds good.”

Magnus’s smile widens, soft and sweet andgenuine. It’s the first full smile he’s ever directed and Alec, and Alec thinks– if he just keeps smiling at him like that, then Alec can do anything, getthrough everything the world and his parents throw at him.

His heart is fluttering in his chest, and itfeels a lot like hope.

[jcmorgenstern]

Ok bc I’m procrastinating for studying for the exam I have (tomorrow) and have thoughts:

I’ve been seeing a lot of really interesting discussion around the jonathan/jace bond in the books vs the jonathan/clary bond (namely a really interesting point from @grayacejace about clary’s agency) and despite my obvious bias it got me thinking. I feel like as a fandom we sometimes rag on CC making Clary an obvious self-insert, I think there’s something exceedingly genre-appropriate about it, and it’s a deliberate choice that works in a way where shadow hunters’ choice to treat Clary as the hero and determinant of her narrative also works in its own context.

What I often forget is that TSC are for kids, specifically, I would argue, young girls. When I was 14 and reading Harry Potter I wasn’t analyzing every frame for social meaning, I was imagining myself along for the ride with Harry and his friends and how amazing it would be to be part of their adventure. I’m not sure if this is a universal experience, but I’d be willing to wager it’s not uncommon. TMI is a liberalization of that child fantasy, as well as a reflection of fan fiction genre conventions of the time. CC didn’t write Clary as a badass feminist who takes charge of her own storyline and beats up men and constantly is bowed down by the weight of the world …you know.

She wrote Clary as a pair of eyes through which little girls could experience the wonder and excitement of being part of the fantasy narrative they’re so often excluded from. Clary fits the bill for every Mary Sue self-insert because she is one, and that’s intentional—and not necessarily something to make fun of. She’s the daughter of the main villain and has special powers and has this instant and intensely romantic connection with a boy pretty much tailor-made for 2003 pre-teen girls. Clary in the books is CC drawing on the conventions of literary tradition of fan fiction from that time—she is not as much the main character but the avatar through which young girls can experience being special and going on amazing adventures.

Which isn’t to say there’s no feminist or critical message and all fan fiction and self-insert fic is just stupid mental cotton candy. There’s a strong sense of wistfulness and struggle with femininity that I think is one of the most subtle but powerful parts of the books—Clary describing her femininity as “a housewarming gift she doesn’t know what to do with.” CC’s depiction and subversion of femininity is actually quite fascinating even in her missteps (the rivalry with Izzy, for example), though honestly lbr we probably were all like that at 16, for better or worse. Clary’s relationship with Jace is, I think, telling girls what they should hold out for in a partner, that they can deserve someone who makes them feel special. Jonathan is an inversion of Jace who is deceptively attractive but treats Clary like shit and is, lets be honest, sexist as fuck, among other things. He’s dressed as the fairytale ending she’s promised with Jace but is actually something toxic and evil. Dru’s storyline in TDA reads as intensely personal and emotional—a girl constantly excluded and sidelined, because of her age and her weight and her general introversion, but someone who is strong and capable and compelling—and the right people see that in her and honor her for it.

Which is a complete diversion from the point that got me here but simply put: COLS works because the message and intent and even the very narrative form fits it. I could cite a whole slew of scholarly work about about fan fiction, the female gaze, and the fan mediation of male homosociality through self-insert female characters (thanks cultural studies for making me say ‘homosociality’), but basically: it’s fitting with the fan fiction literary tradition CC is from and helped build that the female character is the avatar for the audience to observe what, okay maybe this is personal bias, is a pretty charged dynamic between Jonathan and Jace (morally or sexually, take ur pick). Clary mediates that bond and ultimately, because the books are about validating the reader (while again subverting certain expectations), Jonathan’s obsession turns to her and is ultimately revealed to be exactly what it is: toxic and evil, Jace’s association with him completely fake.

The show is operating on a different narrative paradigm, where Clary is the traditional “protagonist as hero” approach, complete with Clary’s own hero’s journey. As Dyl (@greyacejace) pointed out, in the books Clary’s storyline is often focused around others—she’s the avatar for the reader more than a character of her own. I hope I’ve convinced you that isn’t necessarily a bad or shallow thing, but the show definitely has aged up the narrative. Clary is an adult, with adult problems and challenges, and the show tackles them with varying levels of success. Now, in season 3, she is no longer the audience avatar in any way, not even for the sake of exposition—often she is telling other people expositional elements or discovering things along with us. She is not an observer but a character,  and as such the bond with Jonathan (along with pretty much every other plot element they can think of…not 100% a fan of all of that, if spoilers rumors are to be believed) has been shifted to her.

I’m not really sure “incestuous sexual obsession” is really the honor we want to be bestowing on our Strong Badass Female Characters(TM), but that’s the honor Clary gets. Personally given how the show has handled rape themes in the past I’m not exactly bursting with joy to see how they’ll tackle Clary being mind-controlled by her brother who wants to do….well, exactly that, but I guess that’s the brave new world we live in. I honestly didn’t intend to bitch THAT much about things but basically: the Clary of the books is a girl who’s biggest threat is that her father and later brother want to take her Hot Boyfriend away from her (and maybe kidnap her in hell but REALLY the big problem here is taking away her Hot Boyfriend, the rest is kind of hand-waved away). Clary of the show is an adult woman who has adult woman problems, like men who want to rape her and think of her as a particularly personable piece of furniture that will solve all his problems.

(He’s thinking of a therapist, but too dumb to know that).

Obviously there are a lot of gross simplifications here, especially of Jonathan’s character (in another universe I could and probably would write an angry meta screed slamming my own meta’s portrayal of my ‘’sweet baby boy’’ but ill leave that for another day. Was that a self-deprecating joke lamp-shading my own obnoxious stanning? Yes it was). Point is, I don’t think the two narratives are entirely comparable as they follow different narrative structures and paradigms and follow different goals with different results. Jace vs Jonathan is about how two boys react differently to abuse and nature vs nurture; Clary vs Jonathan is about the definition of heroism vs villainy and how good motives can be betrayed by bad actions and how that compares to bad motives and bad actions—whether the end can ever justify the means.

Anyway tldr leave me and my idiotic sebjace ass alone but this shit slaps too

[gingerbreton]

Dragon age questions

Tagged by @bitchesofostwick thank you my dear ❤️

01) favorite game of the series? Origins by far. I love the story and the characters and how we were introduced to the world. Followed by DA2, I love the dynamic with the companions and how different it is to the first game. It’s also an easy nip in do a mission if you’ve not got much time. You’re not going to be stuck in the fade for hours!

02) how did you discover Dragon Age? I bought it as a present for my hubby (then bf) when it came out in 2009. We already loved mass effect but fantasy was more my thing than sci-fi (don’t get me wrong, I do love sci-fi) so the idea of dragon age was just fantastic.

03) how many times you’ve played the games? The first two I have played quite a lot. Origins maybe 15..? DA2 maybe 7? I’ve only played Inquisition once. The first two I tend to always have playthrough on to the go, whether or not I’m regularly playing it.

04) favorite race to play as? Human (not that there is a choice in 2). I don’t know why, but I’m more likely to play as an elf in other games. Maybe my need for power means I just have to be able to rule Ferelden 😬

05) favorite class? Rogue! I’m all about the loot! I get way too frustrated in DAO if I’m not rogue and I can’t open shit until we pick up leliana. I have been known to shout ‘what is the point of you’ at Daveth. I’m more likely to go mage in DA2 because you pick up varric so early (plus force mage specialty is the best).

06) do you play through the games differently or do you make the same decisions each time?  I have to make a conscious decision to try and change my choices, otherwise I’ll slip into making the same ones over and over. Although to be honest, I love the story and still enjoy it even if I do make all the same choices. It’s your game, play the story you want to.

07) go-to adventuring group? DAO always Alistair, usually Morrigan, then either Lel/Zev (definitely if I’m non-rogue) or Wynne. DA2 always Anders and usually varric (swapping for Isabella for certain quests), I’ll take Carver in Act one and Aveline in 2-3. I can’t say I’ve played enough Inquisition to have a go-to group.

08) which of your characters did you put the most thought into? My warden, Ysabelle. She is far from DA canon though, her background is more like Daveth than Cousland. She does have a long fic in the process, featuring Aedan Cousland as well (my other properly formed warden oc), and she has taken over basically all my one shots and exists in multiple AUs now.

09) favorite romance? Alistair definitely but followed fairly closely by Anders.

10) have you read any of the comics/books? I’ve got the comics, the world of thedas books and the novels. I’ve read most of the 2 volumes of World of Thedas. It’s a fab reference and has some wonderful bits of history in there. I’ve just started Stolen Throne today and I’m loving it. The comics are a new addition to me, so I’ve had a flick through and they are beautiful but I haven’t read them properly yet.

11) if you read them, which was your favorite book? I don’t think I could chose! They are so different and they all add so much. I am in World of Thedas most often.

12) favorite DLCs? DAO Soldier’s Peak has an important significance for Izzy (plus you get a storage chest that levels things up!), but personally I love Return to Ostagar because I think Ostagar is my favourite location in all the games. I just think how breathtaking it would look with modern graphics. The idea and location were stunning enough back then. So yeah, any excuse to get back to Ostagar (plus fantastic weapons like Maric’s sword and Duncan’s).

13) things that annoy you. How slow combat is in DAO. It can feel like it takes 5 mins to get to a spot where it’ll let you stab someone, and by that point Morrigan has zapped them to death. In DAOA and DA2 being so restricted to when you can speak to your companions devastated me. I loved how much you could chat in DAO.

14) Orlais or Ferelden? Ferelden all the way!!

15) templars or mages? I am definitely a mage girl. No chantry sympathy here. Free the circles!

16) if you have multiple characters, are they in different/parallel universes or in the same one? Ysabelle and Aedan are in the same universe as wardens together. I haven’t decided on a canon Hawke for that universe yet though, let alone an inquisitor.

17) what did you name your pets? (mabari, summoned animals, mounts, etc) Aedan’s mabari is The Bann. I can’t say I’m too inventive with naming with other names though.

18) have you installed any mods? Ugh I’m not sure I’m emotionally ready to talk about bloody mods. Got dragon age on pc for said purpose just this week and it’s been a nightmare of crashes and inexplicably disappearing npc hair. I’m very close to telling the pc to do one and go back to my vanilla Xbox gaming.

19) did your Warden want to become a Grey Warden? It would have been a dream for Aedan except for the circumstances it came about through. He resented Duncan for a long while. While Izzy would have been hanged for her repeated thievery in Denerim if she hadn’t ended up recruited (but like I say, she isn’t exactly a traditional DA origin).

20) hawke’s personality? Purple with the occasional blue flutter. My Hawkes are just plain sarcastic.

21) did you make matching armor for your companions in Inquisition?  Nope

22) if your character(s) could go back in time to change one thing, what would they change? Aedan would have stopped Fergus and the men marching to Ostagar so Highever was properly protected. Izzy would have come clean about her family’s past warden association and avoided disruptive drama to the group. Selene Hawke might well have thrown herself in front of the ogre near Lothering in the hope of saving her family from suffering the loss of one of the twins. An event she sees as the beginning of the end of her family.

23) do you have any headcanons about your character(s) that go against canon? Ysabelle is 100% against canon! Outside of the long fic, Aedan’s OTP is actually with @magpiesandmabari ‘s warden Yana Surana. They are a very entertaining couple.

24) are any of your character(s) based on someone? I suppose everybody’s ocs must have a bit of themselves in there. But I can’t say I’ve purposefully set out to create any character in someone’s image.

25) who did you leave in the Fade?  I will never leave Alistair Theirin in the fade. Anyone else is potentially fair game.

26) favorite mount? I don’t have one

Tagging: @magpiesandmabari @laurelsofhighever @weirdnproudofit @allisondraste and anyone who wants to. Just tag me, I’d love to see it!

[theprodigalsister]

Current  Characters

Welcome! Here’s an overview of the (far too many) campaigns I am in, have been in, or will be in! This doesn’t include the games I DM, though for information on those, visit here!

Current Games

• “Siofra Besneress” (she/they/any pronouns). Siofra is a changeling Oath of Devotion paladin, and makes me legitimately upset to think about. She often makes me legitimately upset to think about. Siofra is part of the game known as “Twin Planes” and is... way too appropriate for that setting. A fun merge of traditional changeling mythology (fey child who was switched with a regular child) and D&D changeling lore (changing faces and forms at will). (Their name is in quotation marks because it is not their name; it is a stolen name and a stolen identity :])

• Nova Evarínya (zie/hir). Nova is a 14 year old moon elf who is a Stars Druid 2/Divination Wizard 2 multiclass, and the apprentice to the Royal Astronomer, and a princet. Nova is part of the sig figs Evarínya game, where we all play as members of the royal family/royal council!! I love hir so much but also zie is so strange to play because zie’s so smart and so bad at teaching and has six charisma. Iconic, I think.

• Hesper (they/them). Hesper is an oath of redemption paladin in the Nyx game that has just restarted and is going strong :D dmed by kes of naddcord fame. They run a wayhouse for folks who are seeking redemption, and strive for patience, understanding, and perseverance. also they just. dont wear armour and dont fight so cant wait to see that end super well for them, i bet.

Future Games

• Oleander (they/them). Hm, another they/them character from me, Jay. Oleander is from a short campaign one of my friends is running that’s based around the “fancy dinner party murder mystery” trope. Ander is a human knowledge domain cleric who grew up in a family with fancy high-falootin’ elf academic parents and grew up with a lot of academic pressures that they completely fell over. But never fear! After dropping out of uni, Ander found themself frequenting a dilapidated temple to the god of knowledge and was taught to appreciate learning for information’s sake, rather than for the praise. :]. I love them.

Past Games

• Gilbert Saltpot (he/him). Gilbert is a goblin arcane trickster rogue, from a high-school based, fantasy high inspired one shot run by my good friend Jill. He chose to go to an adventuring school in search of an opportunity to raise funds to turn his brother Maurice back into a goblin after he was true-polymorphed by a powerful wizard at a young age. He’s doing fine, I think.

• Scrat (they/them, any pronouns). Scrat is a kobold wild magic sorcerer who I played briefly in an online one shot way back when. They discovered their magic in their little kobold clan living in caves, and immediately started using it to convince the other kobolds that they were a voice of the gods in order to get more food and other benefits from them. They didn’t understand how their magic worked, and accidentally wiped the rest of their clan out due to an unfortunate wild magic surge that sent a Fireball blasting through the cave. They barely survived, and now wander the world, looking for answers and a chance to redeem themself.

• Wellby Goodflips (he/they). Wellby was my first ever D&D character, and while he was an asshole edgy halfling rogue who refused to talk about his feelings, he lives in a very special place in my heart. He was lost in the city when he was very small (literally, his parents simply lost track of him -- he was very small) and grew up on the streets, and taught himself how to do sweet flips and tricks for money to survive.

• Mr Sun (he/him). Mr Sun is part of the, uh, miserpocalypse game DM’d by isabella of naddcord fame. It’s a liddol christmas one-shot where we play as the miserlings of the heat and snow misers! Mr Sun is a miserling of the Heat Miser and he’s an 18th level rune knight fighter and 2nd level forge domain cleric. He’s a battle hardened warrior determined to finally rid the world of North Wind once and for all. (rip, miserpocalypse. sorely missed)

On Hold Games

• P8R (Peter) (he/him). P8R (Peter) is a warforged Spores druid from a currently on-hold pirate two-or-three-shot. He was washed out at sea with no memories and only the algae and mould growing on him to keep him company, and was eventually rescued by the captain of the ship, to whom he thinks he now owes a life debt. He is slowly being consumed by the very spores that give him power, and has no memories of him life before. Tragic, when you think too hard about it!

• Aeryl Lendiir (he/him). Aeryl is a wood-elf bard from a brief campaign one of my friends was running! He was raised in an Amish-inspired “no-magic” religion, but found himself fascinated by magic, and secretly learned the bardic arts from a music instructor of his. He’s currently on his fantasy-Rumspringa and is going to soon have to make the important decision to return and give up his magic and individuaity, or leave and never see his, like, 40 siblings ever again.

• Daisy Merrystone (she/her). Daisy is my life domain cleric from the Fantasy High: mage madness game run by the aforementioned isabella. There’s not a lot to her - she’s a cheerleader and a lesbian, and gets quite competitive about little things, and I intended her to be a bit of an asshole but that proved impossible when the rest of her party was *coughs* even worse.

• Isafira Greenlock (she/her). Isafira (or Izzy, as she’s known) in a halfling pact of the chain fiend warlock. She’s very friendly and bubbly, and love to make new friends. She was raised in a pretty gnarly cult that worshipped an archfiend as a god, and so she didn’t hesitate when the voice in her head that gave her powers as long as she did what it said piped up :]. Izzy is... painfully naive, and playing her involves a lot of actively choosing to not insight check. God, is she fun to play. She’s part of an untitled irl game with “The Band Formerly Known As” (the party name).

• Cass (they/them). Cass (short for Cassiopeia, or their whole name Cassiopeia Asteria Calypso Marin O’Doherty-Smith) is a 12 year old ex-magical girl from a one shot my friend is running where each of us have to play “chosen one���s in a modern world fairly similar to our own. Cass uses the mechanics of an aasimar divine soul sorcerer, and in-game was born with bright blue hair to parents who got really excited about the prospect of their magic baby and pushed them to save the world! Cass quit once they were 10 and a half and is now an emo twelve year old just hoping for a regular life.

[sapphicalexaandra]

Impossibility Is a Kiss Away from Reality (5/?)

Pairing: Jace/Alec

Rating: M+

Summary: What. The. Fuck?! What in all seven hells had happened?! Alec wakes up in a hospital bed.

Notes: Chapter 5 of Sense8 AU. When a link appears, open it in another page ;)

Too Good

His eyes felt heavy and pasty as they twitched tentatively.

Immediately, a groan escaped out of him, only worsening the soreness he felt on his entire face. Scratch that, his entire body was sore. It took Alec a moment to remember why…he had been shot in the back. Fuck. Alec’s brain scrambled to remember if he had worn a vest or not; he should have, as usual. And since he didn’t feel the aftereffects of coming out of an operation, with a bit of luck he wasn’t in too bad a state.

But as his vision regained focus, Alec wished he was still asleep, because pain and family didn’t need to go hand in hand more than they already did. Especially when one had just got shot at.

“Alec? He’s awake, guys, he’s awake, shh,” Izzy half-whispered, but in vain, since his family had never been quiet one day in Alec’s life, not even when Alec’s head throbbed as incessantly as it did now.

As a matter of fact, his parents and Max all rushed towards his bed like a herd of elephants.

“Alec, baby, how are you feeling?” his mother asked in the lowest tone of voice she could muster, which wasn’t saying much.

Shutting down the loud memories that were knocking, demanding to enter at the back of his mind, Alec tried moving a little. His hands felt competent enough, even if they tingled a bit, but when he tried to get himself upright his entire upper torso shot up in pain.

“Don’t do that, Alec,” his sister warned. “You cracked a few ribs. The doctor said you can’t move too much for the next few weeks, and you need to take slow breaths.”

Alec nodded slightly, but he regretted it as soon as he did it. Just great.

“They’ll give you more pain killers in a bit,” his father told him, and Alec refrained himself from nodding again.

“You scared us, you know,” his mother said, taking his hand. That touch felt…weirdly wrong, somehow. That was the hand that was tingling the most.

“I’m fine,” Alec croaked out. “Hey, Max, don’t make that face.”

Max shrugged from his place at the foot of the bed. “I told you your work would get you killed. There are a lot of crazy people around.”

“Well, it seems that your big brother will be around for another while, though,” was Alec’s attempt at levity.

“Whatever.”

Alec managed to form a smile, as Izzy rolled her eyes.

Right then, the door opened, and Lydia, still in uniform, walked, or rather marched in, going to stand next to Izzy.

Everyone fell dead silent, and Alec’s stomach sank as Lydia sent him her sternest stare.

But he couldn’t let a word out before she did, “I’m glad you’re awake, Alec.” That was all the niceties he deserved, Alec knew it. “I still need to be out and deal with the situation, but I wanted to check. I’ll come back later, and we’ll talk, partner.”

Not even his mother had ever made a talk sound so threatening.

“I’m sorry, Ly-”

“Save it for later,” she said, a bit more kindly. She looked at Izzy, then, and the latter nodded at her before leaning in for a kiss. Lydia was out of the room a moment later.

Izzy turned towards him, and she was regarding him severely now, too. Alec sighed.

“Really, Alec, what happened? Lydia said you completely froze in the middle of the shooting.”

Four pair of eyes were fixed on him, and Alec didn’t know what to say. He knew that it was not characteristic of him, at least not since his academy days, to freeze on the field. And he didn’t freeze, he just got…distracted. But he could never explain that to his family; he didn’t understand it himself!

Still determined not to think about it, not until he was alone at least, Alec tried for a somewhat plausible answer. “I know, I just…I don’t know. It happened, okay? But it won’t again, I promise.”

“You better,” his mother warned, only half teasing. At least now that she knew he wasn’t about to die, she could go back to her usual self. Not that his mother was heartless, just…she hadn’t called him baby ever since he was a baby, and he rather preferred it that way.

The door opened again. This time it was the doctor, which they all greeted.

“How are we feeling, Officer?” he – Alec had forgotten his name - asked good-naturedly.

Alec cleared his throat. “Could be better.” Then he added, “But I’m just bruised, am I not? The bullet didn’t pierce, so I should be released soon?”

“Soon, but not quite yet. We want to keep you for the night in case you have a concussion.”

Alec groaned internally. “I don’t feel concussed.” Not technically a lie, because whatever he might have hadn’t been caused by this.

“It’s often not that obvious, at first,” the doctor still replied.

“What could be the worst-case scenario, Doctor Pangborn?” his mother asked.

(Right, that was his name).

 “Oh, don’t worry, Mrs. Lightwood. It’s just a precaution. We’ll keep an eye on him, but I think you can all go back home serenely enough.”

Alec’s throat, however, only closed in on itself. He knew that something was wrong. He’d have to ask the doctor more questions once his family had gone away.

Eventually, finally, they did leave, even though Izzy promised she’d come back later with Lydia. Still, despite that not-very-pleasant prospect, Alec could breathe more easily. Not literally, since his chest was still wrapped tightly around his bruised ribs, while one particular spot on his back, where the bullet had hit him, kept pounding more painfully than the others; but at least he now had the space to think…

What. The. Fuck?!

What in all seven hells had happened?!

He had simply been doing his shitty job in a shitty situation and then…what?! A blond guy had just stood there in the middle of the screaming crowd, and Alec had rightly - heroically, anyone would say - tried to help him…instead that guy had been made of smoke, and he had plunged him into some kind of hallucinated state during which Alec had thought to be somewhere completely different. And, most of all, that guy had looked like a model straight from a magazine, and he had stared at Alec as if he was his favorite snack…in the middle of a shooting! He dreaded to know what his sister would say – see what being a sexually frustrated workaholic will bring you to? – but she’d be wrong, because that’d be simply too crazy for anyone. It didn’t matter that he might, might have stared back a little bit, because he had not wanted any of this! Surely not being landed in a hospital.

He needed to quickly figure out how to ask for a brain scan casually.

But first, he’d let the pain killers do their magic on him, and maybe he’d even manage a nap…

When he had to stifle a scream. That guy had just appeared at the foot of his bed.

A moment later, Alec found himself standing in a poorly-furnished apartment, still facing that guy, who was looking at him far too intently for Alec’s tastes. Alec started palming at his chest, pain sparking up in it at his every movement, but he had to check to see that he was still solid. He appeared to be, but that only meant that he was far more elaborately going insane than any normal insane person.

“Great! I’m really going crazy, then!” he burst out, more directed at himself than at the other one. “It’s probably a tumor, I might have to soon leave this world, but in that case at least this,” he gestured at the guy with both his hands, “will stop.”

The guy crossed his arms. “Are you quite done?”

Alec didn’t let himself get distracted by his definitely unattractive British accent, or by the fact that it was the first time he ever heard his voice. “Wha- Excuse me? If I’m done? What gives you, a smoke man, the right to ask me-”

“A smoke man? What the hell did you smoke? And I’m the one asking questions here. Who the hell are you?”

“What? Who the hell are you!”

The guy shrugged. “I’m Jace.”

“Jace?” Alec paused. “Whatever. I’m Al-”

“Alec, I know. I heard.”

“You heard. Right, of course. Well, Jace, this has been interesting, but now I must wake up.”

“You must wake up.”

“Yes. From this dream or hallucination or whatever that I’m having.”

“Yeah, no. You’re the dream, I’m the one hallucinating.”

“I don’t think so, smoke man.” Alec gritted his teeth. “And where I am anyway? This is a dump.”

The guy – Jace – scoffed. “My apartment is not a dump, you tosser. And we’re in London, for your information.”

“London.” Alec paused again. “I’ve never been to London.”

“Well, of course not, since you’re not real,” Jace said as if that made it final.

“I’m not real?” Alec let out a sound that was part amusement part exasperation. “You are not real!”

''I’m very much real, thank you very much.”

Another sound escaped Alec, as he twirled around the room to find any sense somewhere. 

“Ehm…”

Alec heard a snort, and he turned – he should stop moving, damn the pain! – infuriated. “What, now?”

“Your, ehm…your hospital gown…” Jace seemed to be trying very hard not to laugh.

Alec froze internally. Don’t tell me…

But, of course, he had forgotten that he was literally naked, under that damnably short and open from behind thing that the hospital had put on him. He had been flashing Jace his ass…of-fucking-course.  

“I mean, not that I mind,” Jace smirked, and Alec didn’t need to see himself in the mirror to know that he had lit up bright red.

And as he fumbled with his vest, trying to face Jace not with his ass, his mouth was gaping open like a fish, and all he could think about was that that situation resembled far too closely the start of every damn porn ever…and he wasn’t liking it at all. At all. That was not the way things should go in a fantasy; he shouldn’t want to crawl under the bed instead of over it!

“You…what…just, go away, will you! Get out of my head!”

Jace’s brow furrowed. “Not until you get out of mine!”

Alec shut his eyes closed, then, and for some miracle it worked. He felt himself back on the hospital bed, and he opened his eyes again with a sigh of relief. Not that he felt very relieved, because his emotions were so tangled together that he didn’t know what he felt. He only knew that his heart was pumping wildly, and that dreaming about a hot blond liking his ass would’ve been great if it hadn’t literally landed him in that hospital.

He had barely calmed down by the time Lydia arrived and he had to face another conversation he didn’t want to have.

“We’re in this together, Alec, I want you to tell me if you have something going on that makes you freak out at work. We need to be able to��rely on each other, you know that.”

“I know, I know, Lydia, I’m sorry.” Alec pinched the bridge of his nose with a hand. “Nothing’s going on, I swear.”

The lie left his lips far too easily, unlike the guilt that sprung up in him as a result. Still, no matter how much he trusted Lydia as his partner, he couldn’t put this whirlwind on her life (and on his sister’s as a result). Alec knew he must’ve scared the living daylights out of her, and this would only freak her out more about something that he still didn’t understand himself. If it turned out to be serious, he swore to himself that he’d tell her.

“Then what happened?” Lydia asked.

“Will you believe me if I say I don’t know?”

Lydia raised a critical eyebrow. “You’ll have to work on that. Take these weeks of leave to figure it out, okay?”

“God, right, I can’t go back to work.” Damnit. Work occupied most of his time. Without it, what would distract him from this literal shitstorm? “I can’t believe I’m leaving you on your own…I bet they’ll partner you up with Raj again.”

Lydia sighed. “Being shot myself would’ve been better.”

Izzy entered the room, carrying a bag. “Proper clothes for the patient,” she chirped out.

“Bless you, Iz.”

He’d hate hospital gowns forever from now on.

After placing the bag on the floor next to the bed, Izzy went to seat on Lydia’s lap, while Lydia hugged her around the middle, laying her chin on Izzy’s shoulder. It had been a long, tragic day, Alec mused.

Izzy leaned into the hug, interlocking her hands with Lydia’s, before she looked at him, “So how are you feeling, big bro?”

“Better.” At least that wasn’t a lie. “This is just a precaution, I’ll be home tomorrow.”

Izzy nodded. “Did you give him an earful, babe?” she said to Lydia, who smiled.

“No, I was actually very nice.”

“Then I’ll tell you that you’re an idiot, Alec.”  

“I love you too, Iz. Sorry I scared you,” Alec said genuinely.  

That seemed to satisfy her, because she sighed, but didn’t add anything else.

“Go home, I’m okay,” Alec told them. “I know you’re tired.”

Izzy and Lydia shared a look, but Izzy still seemed reluctant when she addressed him. “Are you sure? I could stay here with you.”

“I don’t think they’ll let you stay.”

“But…” Alec raised an eyebrow, “ugh, fine.”

They got up and, after bidding him goodnight, Lydia squeezing his hand as Izzy kissed him on the forehead, they left the room.

He thought he would’ve preferred being alone, but in actuality Alec was left with nothing more but his panic over the entire situation.

So, eventually, he just couldn’t take it anymore, and he had to call up to ask for a brain scan, under the excuse of a bad headache that he didn’t want to find out was something serious too late. Not that it was a lie, because his head was killing him, and he would have all the reasons to worry. He didn’t even have a lot of convincing to do, and when he got back in his room after the scan he felt far more serene. One less thing to worry about.

He still had a hard time falling asleep, the scene at the shooting and at…Jace’s apartment replaying in his mind over and over and over again.

How people had walked right through Jace while Alec was touching him - he should’ve noticed that there was something weird about that touch, but how could he have had in such a terrible moment?

How the world had seemed to stop, every sound drained, everything else forgotten, nothing else that mattered except them as they stared at one another…

How infuriating Jace actually was, because of course even a fantasy couldn’t be perfect.

Most of all, Alec didn’t understand how he could hallucinate things so vividly, and still have them make so little sense. Why that London guy? Why in the middle of the shooting? Why so randomly and why him?

If only this headache would stop. It didn’t help at all in trying not to be anxious.

And if only the people next door would turn off the volume? They were in a hospital, not at a damn concert!

Alec pressed the emergency button, regretting it a moment later - because apparently he was that kind of patient who complained about every little thing - but especially when the nurse told him that he couldn’t hear anything too loud. No concert.

Alec was left speechless, and more than a little embarrassed, as he left. Another weird thing happening to him that day.

When a piano started playing so clearly that he could’ve been wearing headphones, however, Alec felt betrayed…had the nurse been shitting him? 

Scared my love You'll go

Alec froze, feeling his mouth fall open. Where…who…what? A voice - a deep, damn near angelic voice - was singing as if directly into his brain and…

Spend my love Heart broke

Alec didn’t even care about the noise anymore. He could listen to that music forever, as if his life depended on it…

So my love don't show

Alec could only close his eyes, vibrations spreading through his entire body …

Scared my love You'll go

…and when he reopened them, he wasn’t surprised at all to find himself in a crowd, all looking up at a stage where…he sang. Jace. He had just known that it was him.

Too good to be good for me Too bad that that's all I need

Jace had his eyes closed, his fringe messily styled on his head, as his mouth was pressed to the microphone as if he wanted to tell secrets right into it. The guy with glasses at the piano behind him had started harmonizing with him, and the result was even more astonishing.  

Too good to be good for me And too bad that that's all I need All I need

Jace opened his eyes, and they didn’t hesitate, didn’t struggle to focus, they fixed themselves directly on Alec as if he had known beforehand that he’d be there, and where he’d be. Alec looked right back, somehow falling, and falling, drowning into the brightness of his eyes…

And when those eyes were suddenly far closer than they’d been, Alec didn’t even flinch, didn’t even mind about the optical impossibility in front of him, with a Jace slowly walking towards him a few meters away, and one on the stage.

Fingers walk your thigh Breathe my love, get high

Jace now sang to him, and to him alone, and there was no cell in Alec that wasn’t shaking, pulsing and aching indescribably.

And oh, I'm so scared Oh I'm so scared It's just for tonight

Alec followed the movement of Jace’s mouth, transfixed, a prey to a hypnotizing serpent, as the space between their chests got smaller and smaller, until it couldn’t be fit by another body.

So I take a sip, wait 'til it hits That liquid guilt is on my lips I'm wasted on you

Jace sang a few breaths away from his face, and Alec found himself bending his head down to get even closer, his eyes drooping, his mouth still open, drawn towards the other man as if they were two magnets…

Too good to be good for me Too bad that that's all I need All I need

Jace sang the chorus right in his ear, and then he traced all the way around Alec’s neck until it reached the other ear. They weren’t touching, not one limb, but their bodies moved and leaned against one another, in some sort of slow-downed figurative dance, as they somehow knew exactly the shape they should’ve formed. The music around them quickened, and they were caught in their own little bubble, their own little world, Alec still weirdly able to think that he was glad he wasn’t in his hospital gown anymore, until…

So I take a sip, wait 'til it hits That liquid guilt is on my lips I'm wasted on you

Jace, tentatively, shakenly, placed his hands on Alec’s chest, and Alec stopped breathing as Jace’s palms traced it, until he was circling his neck. Alec didn’t know what that felt like, it was like nothing else he had ever known…but it was something that he couldn’t escape, nothing that could keep him from bringing his own hands on Jace’s waist, and hide his face against the side of his face, breathing in a scent that didn’t seem to be of this world, but which he already knew intimately as it embedded into his brain. And he could swear he also felt in that same way Jace’s cold breath hitting his neck. At that point, he could no longer keep his eyes open.

(Wasted on you)

As soon as everything became dark, he was surrounded by Jace, and Jace alone, in a way that wasn’t tangible, but all-engulfing nonetheless. As their arms tightened around each other, Alec’s fingers trembling over the skin they traced, he thought that that must’ve been what it felt like being able to hold water.

Too good to be good for me Too bad that that's all I need

When, suddenly, Alec felt the need to raise his head from its spot. Jace looked back up at him in that very moment, and Alec could see every freckle, every line, every color on his face. For the first time he took notice of the fact that Jace’s eyes were the bluest, but the left had also a speckle of brown…Alec didn’t think he had ever seen eyes more beautiful.

Too good to be good for me Too bad that that's all I need All I need

Alec didn’t want to stop the urge that gripped him then, because it wasn’t a sudden, conscious thing that he thought about, he simply found himself inching closer and closer to Jace’s mouth with his entire being, as if it was only right. Only natural. His lips already felt the ghost of it, and he could tell nothing would ever compare to this…

A spark of pain shot up in his chest as Alec leaned up on his bed, and his eyes were wide open a second later, looking up at a white, empty ceiling. He fell back on his pillow, groaning in pain as his breathing raced wild, straining his ribs, exactly the opposite of what it should’ve been doing.

As Alec tried to get it back down, however, he couldn’t ignore the other sensations lingering in his body. The butterflies swarming in his stomach weren’t just a ghost, they were all too real, as were the tingles spreading under his skin, as was his erection throbbing painfully between his legs. And when the pain subsided, everything only heightened.

Fuck.   

[charley-warlzz]

11 Questions from Vesperbryan

(Thank you for tagging me!! @vesperbryan these questions are so good)

1)What is your favorite genre to read and/or write?

Ooh, favourite genre to read is tough. I actually like most genres unanimously (except romance books - not because theyre ‘sappy’ or whatever, but because they inevitably have unnecessary drama for couples who should be left to be happy). I think my favourite to write is scifi or fantasy (sometimes ya, sometimes not).

2)What inspires you?

Mostly, the fact that I love how excited people can get by fictional things. Not even something deep and meaningful like 'they helped me escape’, but just the sheer joy a new book in your favourite series can bring, or the delight whenthe thing you wanted to happen happens.

3)Which OC(s)/fictional character(s) do you identify with the most?

This is tough, because I generally try to give all my characters at least one trait that conflicts with me to keep it more interesting. From Prov, it would probably be Isabelle because I, too, am tired of the world and would much prefer to be safe at home with everyone I cared about accounted for while I read and binged ice cream. In terms of all my OC’s, probably Myra, because I too love physics, get stressed out by people, have chronic migraine and want to sleep 24/7.

4)When are you most productive?

The first thing piece of writing I’ve written in a day that was more that 100 awkwardly forced words (actually, i think it was over 3000?) was written between the hours of one and five am yesterday, which just about sums it up. Also, I seem to have great strokes of inspiration in the middle of lessons, so thank god for free periods.

5)Why did you start writing?

I honestly can’t remember? We often did writing things in primary school ('write a diary entry for this person’ being the most common) and I really enjoyed that. Plus, I always made up stories in the form of games - i had an entire fantasy world that coexisted with me up until I was nine, when i stopped focussing on it. I still remember it, though, and it was really well thought out. The first story i can remember wanting to write was when I was seven (it was actually a pretty good idea, i might write it someday). I guess I just wanted to put the stuff in writing.

6)How do you think your WIP would translate into a film?

I feel like it would translate pretty well. It’s going to be a series (probably a long one) and I think a film would be able to use a lot of good effects. Though I personally think a tv show would suit it better, because there are a lot of small arcs scattered thoughout that would deseve their own feature.

7)Are there any recurrent themes in your works?

Siblings. Lots of sinling. Almost always a lot younger, so theyre reliant on their older sibling as an almost guardian figure. This actually still shows through Damien’s and Izzy’s relationship, because Damien is used to and to some extent relies on Izzy looking out for him. Also, there is a kid who comes to rely on one of the characters as a mother figure, so it shows there.

8)What is your favorite month and why?

December. Not because its my birthday month but because it’s Christmas! I love the cold, I love the high chance of snow, I love the hot drinks and warm clothes, I love the festiveness, the decorations, the present-giving… it’s a great month.

9)How do you feel about titles? (Helpful, annoying, do you have one?)

The literal worst. I mean, do people really need a name to call my books by, or that will draw them in? (Honestly I literally Can Not)

10)Do you name characters for symbolic meaning, sound, or something else?

I just use names I like. Sometimes theyre from other characters, or a name I heard, or one found on baby name sights. There isnt really a strict guide for why I like them.

11)What’s your favorite part pf writing?

Probably the characters. It’s fun to basically build a person!

My Questions:

1) Do you prefer reading/writing stand-alone books or series?

2) Do you visualise you’re OC’s outfits or leave people to guess?

3) Do you have a specific place to write at or is it just wherever?

4) What’s you’re favourite season?

5) Do you tend to gravitate towards a certain setting when you write? If so, what is it?

6) Are there any words you simply cannot ever spell right, even though you’ve tried to memorise it a hundred times?

7) Would you prefer your WIP to be turned into a film or program if it ever ended up on TV? Or neither?

8) Do you imagine what your WIP’s book cover would look like?

9) Do you tend to draw more on supernatural or real world things for your writing?

10) Are you interested in Ancient or Modern History more?

11) Do you have any habbits (good or bad) when youre writing?

I tag: @christinawritesfiction @theinkstainsblog @scribble-dee-vee @robinbibliophile @neenorroar and anyone else who wants to do it!