#and mal hasn't been able to get me to shut up since

[ultraviolet-cello]

legato doodle i dont think i'll ever finish but its There

[aleksanderscult]

I loved your analysis! Can you analyse the (barely there, not enough) Darklina scenes from the KOS duology? I could not rationalize some of what was going on there.

First of all, I'm so sorry for taking that long to reply, anon! (Hasn't it been over two weeks since you send this or what??😭😭)

Second, thank you so much for your kind words! 💗💗

Third, you and I both friend 🤝🤝

'Cause honestly I didn't know what the fuck was happening in that interaction too 😭

I'll actually analyze the only Darklina scene we got in RoW. But if you want another one too, just send me an ask!

So! Let's dive in and analyze that hot mess, shall we?

(note: I had to go back and read this scene very carefully in order to understand what the actual fuck they were saying💀)

⚠️TW!: PTSD, trauma⚠️

The way he's so obedient with her even in this life 😭

If somebody else had ordered him to do that, he wouldn't obey. But Alina? Alina is a different story and this is the first time he hears her voice since his death in R&R.

'Any little victory'

Uhh....okay...??

You made him wipe his feet. I'm.... impressed??

(confusion levels 📉)

LMAO MY BOY WOKE UP AND CHOSE VIOLENCE

I always believed that the dynamic between Aleksander and Alina involves lots of teasing. But not in the fun sense. But in the sense of "I'm getting under your skin. My words to you sting".

And that's what the Darkling does here too. He's a prisoner. Their prisoner. So he tries to gain the upper hand by using his wits, his past with Alina and the latter's trauma against her to get even.

Pretty clever, huh?

See what I mean?

He tries to weaken her confidence and it's interesting that back in Keramzin he also tried to get even (and he did) by killing her mother figure.

Aleksander: "Wanna fuck with me? Wanna mess with me? How about that time when I burnt that orphanage and killed your "mother"?"

*Alina's sure confidence is gone and now the Darkling has the upper hand in her feelings*

OUTSTANDING MOVE 👌

Excuse me, Misha? Who the Hell gave you the permission to interrupt or talk at all??

Also, do you really expect from the Darkling to remember a little boy while he was too busy trying to rule a nation, win a war and persuade Alina to join him?

And if you also expect him to remember you from that time when Baghra went out to confront her son while you escorted her, then you're also wrong. 'Cause he was too busy being furious that his mother sided and helped the opposite side and too busy being distraught because he was watching her fall to her death.

You're not important, son.

Sit down.

LMAO THIS IS SO HILARIOUS

Misha you're still an infant. Please shut up.

I honestly liked him in the Grisha Trilogy (I found him a cutie) but now I want to slap him and everyone else in this duology except Aleksander

The Darkling has survived numerous murdering attempts against him. He was finally killed by Alina not because of some grand display of her powers but because the former was so heartbroken by Alina's fate (and his own because he would be alone) that he just gave up on his life. Basically he committed suicide.

Misha, you wouldn't be able to kill him even now that he's powerless and in chains. Probably you would stumble and fall in the effort or smth.

Uhh actually no, Mal.

Threating him only makes you sound like idiots, honestly.

Also, since when did Mal gained ✨wisdom✨?

Wasn't he the hot-tempered one in the trilogy who always got angry with the mere mention of the Darkling? And the one who wanted to kill him as well?

Alina, you know damn well what his name is.

Honestly, I think she didn't say it because she wanted to respect the fact that he trusted her to keep it.

And I agree that Yuri is a horrible name for him. Makes him seem like a fisherman 😭

Meanwhile Alina in S&B:

So either Bardugo kinda forgot these scenes or we're led to believe that these scenes weren't her being happy, but we thought she was happy.

(me casually ignoring that theory because I choose to believe only the things that MAKE SENSE)

The fact that Bardugo made Alina believe that she was unhappy when she was whole with her powers and surrounded by people like her but totally happy now that she has no powers (a part of her soul actually) and living with a man that slut-shamed her in a toxic, childhood place is umm... yeah. Not good.

So basically:

Aleksander: "You look different. You look like shit. What the fuck did they do to you? This is not you"

Alina: "No bro I'm happy now that I live in toxic conditions where the teachers mock me, Mal takes me out for a walk to forget my psychological traumas and I raise some Grisha children that will fade because they don't use their powers and some others that I probably am in no condition to raise. At least that's what the author said is happiness, bro."

Aleksander: "......."

Alina: "......"

The readers: "........."

ALEKSANDER IS HONESTLY ALL OF US FRR WITH HIS LINES

"In peace"

Yeah, having PTSD certainly is peaceful. And knowing that you abandoned your country and left its fate to chance certainly makes you sleep like a baby at night.

"We chose the life we wanted"

Alina, you didn't CHOOSE to lose your powers. And before that you didn't even know what you wanted to do with your life. It was a last minute decision for you.

"I fell pray to the same greed that drove you"

Girl, are we the only ones who did our homework??

In his POV in RoW he confirmed that he tampered with merzost in the past because he wanted to stop Ravka's wars. So as far as we know he never used power exclusively for himself.

"I paid the price for tampering with merzost"

Now hold a second. I thought that the reason Alina lost her powers is because Morozova wanted that said power to be shared by any otkazat'sya around. It wasn't that much of a punishment as much as a need for Morozova to share that power.

Unless it was..... both?

I just want a guy that will believe in me and my abilities the way Aleksander does with Alina, man 😭

He strongly believes that she could become a Queen even without her powers. And he's actually so right when he says to her that her wounds won't heal. Because no matter how much you try to convince yourself that you are alright. No matter how hard you try to persuade your mind that you're not broken, reality will always hit you. Some wounds never heal and Alina's certainly will not. She didn't lose a toy, she lost a part of her soul and witnessed many die. How the hell does she think she's suitable to raise children, when she herself is NOT okay psychologically?

"In the wake of your wars"

Excuse me. Why is the Fjerdan and Shu wars always the Darkling's fault??

"And maybe when our country is free, then that wound will close"

She sounds so brainwashed bye--

And just like I said, wounds like that never close unfortunately. It can only become more bearable with time. But not forgetable.

Ah yes. Bardugo makes us watch how cute their relationship is.

Am I supposed to take off my camera and snap pictures of them whispering with tears in my eyes: "They look so adorable"?

'Cause I won't.

The way Bardugo has made Mal unfazed by the Darkling's comments. A thing that completely contrasts his nature in the Grisha trilogy.

He also made him have "sassy" lines because we've got to like him somehow, right? 🤗

Still hate him

Basically, dear anon, the author has made Mal more "likeable", immune to the Darkling's insults, patient and witty in order for us to change our mind about him and finally like him.

(mission failed btw)

He is literally nothing like his trilogy counterpart and, if possible, she made him more annoying.

(how the hell she managed to do that, I don't know)

I just feel sorry for Aleksander who has to deal with all these jerks. If I were there, I would have helped him kill them and bury their bodies.

Because you let your heart and feelings get the better of you, Aleksander. Because you proved to be the most human of all these characters here. You let her come close. And that's what killed you.

(also, shut up Misha)

Alina, you could have said "no" to that invitation. So stop acting like they dragged you from the hair here.

"Do you think you could manage it?"

Do you, Alina? 'Cause really, what did YOU do to make the lives of Grisha better? At least he built a palace for them.

"It's not like you didn't get a fair try before. Hundreds of tries"

Yeah, and half of them failed because you got in the way. You refused to listen to him and, even if you didn't like the way he dealt with the persecution, you chose to run away (again) instead of deciding to stay and do better.

SHE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT ZOYA AND NIKOLAI COULD DO BETTER LMAO 😭😭

Zoya, the very fact that he mentioned you should feel like a badge of honor.

And yet Ravka is in its worst condition ever.

Sorry Alina but I don't see shit from them.

The fact that the Darkling keeps mentioning that he's eternal is to remind them that he has seen everything and done everything. He has more experience than they will ever have. Not to gloat about it. And yet Alina takes it as the latter.

And it's funny that Alina turns him down for the job saying he has no powers when Alina herself suffers from the same condition 😀

Finally someone with self-reflection.

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!!

PREACH!! PREACH!! 👏👏

When you have the "villain" exposing the true problem in the story, the flaws and failures while having the heroes screaming "EVERYTHING IS FINE. YOU'RE WRONG!" then you know that something is wrong.

How the Hell are they gonna provide eternal peace in Ravka and to the Grisha when:

They have no experience

They are too busy criticizing the villain instead of looking at their own flaws

They doubt themselves

(you can add to the list, guys)

And he's not shaken because he's talking with a Saint, Zoya. He's shaken because he's talking to Alina. She always had a way in getting under his skin. He said it.

"Fine. Make me your villain" fits here 'cause he never perceived himself as the bad guy but he knew that this is what others thought of him.

I think it still stung to him to know that others saw his every action in a negative light but he still kept going. And sometimes he even used it (at the end of R&R).

Alina still wants to believe that there's something redeemable inside him. Her POVs were always the "kindest" in the way they painted the Darkling.

MISHA COULD YOU PLEASE SHUT IT

What about his mother, huh??

Who, despite the abuse he suffered from her, he still cared about??

Alina?? Oh boy, he was in love with her, obsessed and gave her so many chances. Something that he almost never does unless he's desperate.

So PRETTY PLEASE STOP TALKING

Meanwhile the Darkling in R&R, chapter 11:

"I have regretted many of the things I’ve had to do in this war."

So either Bardugo forgot that or Alina did or Aleksander changed his mind.

Or (my theory) Bardugo changed his perception in order for us to feel less sympathetic towards him.

Nevertheless, at least he has a spine and knows where he stands.

And Alina wanted the Darkling to say it not for him but for her. So she can feel okay. Unless Zoya is talking bullshit.

YES ALEKSANDER WHY DIDN'T YOU LIE SO OUR HEROINES COULD FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES???!!

HOW DARE YOU?? 😠😠

He tries so hard to persuade her that the reality she lives in will not pay off anything. First off, this is not who she is or what she was meant to become and second, why does she teaches children stories that are lies? Feeding them false hope, repeating a circle that others had also been doing.

"Do you *really* believe..."

He wants to make sure that she stands by that. He just can't believe that this is her opinion. Her choice.

He just wants her to shine people!! 😭😍

"Those stories tell us the only people who matter are Kings and Queens. They're wrong"

Now tell me, Alina, which stories do YOU tell them? What do you teach them? That the world is as rosy as the orphanage they live in, where they only eat sugar and play the piano? Do you imagine what kind of reality check will those children get once they live in the real world?

And here, ladies and gentlemen, we see the Darkling having reached his limits and saying "Fuck this shit I'm out"

Congratulations, Aleksander! You survived that meeting with these buffoons and their groundless arguments!! 👏👏

Here, have this! 🏅

He saw his chance (Alina holding Mal's hand) and seized it. But I think he really meant all those questions he asked to Alina.

So, dear anon, what we have here is the villain making his effort (again) to be heard and understood. He tries to make them see his own point of view: Ravka is in serious danger and Zoya and Nikolai are in no position to protect it. He, on the other hand, can since he has more experience and balls to deal with these issues. The Darkling is no pussy. He truly makes hard decisions when he must, something that essentially all rulers must do when the situation calls for it.

But! We have the good guys silencing him and threating him (even having a little child to do the last one) in order for the reader to understand what he has left in his wake. How much pain he has caused.

Mal has gotten ✨magically✨ wiser and calmer and has actual wits to repel the Darkling's insults in order for us to get to like Mal and see how much he has changed.

Alina sounds like a brainwashed woman who is convinced that her lifestyle is great! That wanting something more (idk. a throne and changing the world maybe) is sinful and unfitting of her.

Aleksander is the only one who thinks otherwise for her, though. Thank God, I mean!

He sought Alina out both to reclaim his powers and because he just wanted to see her.

Personally, in this scene only the Darkling makes sense. The others either want to feel good about themselves by threating him or want to convince him that "Hey, we're the good ones here. We know what we're doing, okay?" and his own ways are shit.

Dear anon, if you have any other questions or want me to analyze any other Darklina scene from this book or duology that I didn't include, then just say so!

And please any others who want to add something about this scene, feel free to criticise in the comments! 💛💛

[0itmelex0]

Alina and Lorenzo + hugs 3 for the touches ask game?

3. hugging while twirling around

you really wanted their reunion post ruin and rising and i hope i delivered. just a quick reminder, lorenzo will be referred as adrik in this

His shaking fingers fumbled with removing his kefta. Excitement yet nervousness filled his body. He waited five hundred and thirty-one days for this day. After five hundred and thirty-one days, he'd finally start his new life. After five hundred and thirty-one days, he'd finally be able to stay.

A solemn smile fell upon his face. The red fabric and black embroidery of his kefta felt soft under his thumbs. Dirt and dust covered bits of the red like a film. Some of the embroidery was frayed. Any other time, he'd demand for it to get fixed, to make sure he looked his best. He had always wanted a prim and proper kefta and would wear his hair slicked down with not a single hair out of place. But now, with his curls sporadic, there was no need. For as long as he lived, his kefta wouldn't be any use to him. And yet, he folded it neatly and tucked it away into his suitcase.

"How much farther do you think?" Adrik looked to the coachman. He peaked out the window. They were in Keramzin now.

"Five minutes at most, sir."

"Wonderful. . ." he trailed off.

With a deep inhale and exhale, he fiddled with his suspenders. It didn't feel right to be without his kefta and yet, it never felt more freeing. He reached for the space on his chest where his heart was. He bunched up the shirt. Nothing.

"Shit," he muttered before opening his suitcase once more.

The kefta rested on top, with the sun hitting metal just right through the windows of the carriage. He pulled the Sun Summoner pin that he got just over two years ago off. The embroidery frayed more.

He patted the left side of his chest once the pin was fastened to his shirt. "There we go. Right where it belongs."

The carriage slowed to a halt.

"We've arrived, sir," the coachman spoke.

Adrik closed the suitcase once more. "Thank you." He opened the coach door and with a suitcase in each hand, stepped outside to see the entrance of the orphanage just down the path.

The coach door barely shut before the coachman took off.

With each step, his heart got louder. Nobody was in the front of the orphanage, and it was quiet aside from distant voices. He hesitated to knock on the door. It took maybe a minute for the door to open.

"Well, look at who it is. You arrived earlier than I thought you would."

"Miss me, Tracker?" Adrik chuckled.

Mal playfully rolled his eyes, an amused smile on his face. "Debatable. She did, though. She's been counting down the days since you left after winter solstice."

He could feel his cheeks get rosy. It was difficult to hold back his smile. "Where is she?"

"Last I checked, she was in the back yard playing hide and seek with the kids. I'm sure she's still back there. She hasn't not been busy doing something all day. You want to drop your bags off in your room?"

"I will later. . . going to go see her first. It's been too long."

"Of course, Adrik. Just be sure to be ready for dinner in an hour or so. She made sure that your favorite would be cooked for when you'd get here."

"See you soon, Tracker." Adrik stepped back and walked around the building to the back of the orphanage.

Laughter and chatter of children filled the yard. The children ran all over, peaking up and around every bush, rock, and tree.

A young girl, around twelve years of age, ran up to him. "Adrik! Oh, you're here! We've been waiting all day for you!"

He crouched down to her level. "What are you guys doing, Lyda?"

"Playing hide and seek! Everybody's been found except for Aleksander."

"Well, what if I help? I'm pretty good at hide and seek myself."

"Are you?" Her eyes lit up.

Adrik nodded with pursed lips. "Oh yeah."

A shriek followed a large fit of laughter came from the meadows. The last hiding kid popped out from the foliage.

"Found you, Aleksander." A young woman with white hair followed behind him, leaving the meadows as well. "Thought we agreed on the rule of not hiding in the meadows."

Adrik immediately stood straight. It felt as if all the air left his lungs as he stared at her.

"I just wanted to see how long it'd take for somebody to find me!" The child giggled before scurrying off to one of the small groups of children.

"Alright, everybody, who wants to play another round or two of hide and seek before dinner?" Her smile was bright, and the sun made her look as if she was glowing.

Children across the yard raised their hands in unison.

She clapped her hands together. "Okay then, I'll be. . ." Her eyes landed on Adrik. ". . . seeker this round. . . Adri? Oh my saints. . . Adri!"

If she was glowing before with that smile, she could only be compared to the sun now as she ran towards Adrik.

"Sunshine." The suitcases slipped from his fingers before he began making his way to her.

He caught her, wrapping his arms tight around her waist, once she lept into his arms. They spun around from the momentum, her skirt billowing out while they did.

"You made it," she exhaled. He could hear the smile in her voice. Her chin rested on his shoulder with her arms wrapped around his neck.

"Of course I did, Alina," Adrik whispered just loud enough for her to hear. He left a gentle kiss in the crook of her neck as he buried his face there. "I've missed you so much." His hand cradled the back of her head before his fingers slowly ran through the white.

Alina hugged him tighter for a moment, then pulled away, only to bring his head down. She pressed her lips against his forehead. They leaned into each other once more with their foreheads pressed together.

"Are we going to play hide and seek again or not?" One child spoke up.

Adrik bit the inside of his bottom lip and chuckled. "Absolutely!" he exclaimed as he faced the kids. "The two of us will be the seekers. You all have thirty seconds to hide, alright?"

Keeping one arm around Alina, he guided the two of them towards the building. He squeezed his eyes shut, then covered Alina's eyes. "One! Two!" His smile grew at the sound of skittering children.

"You don't need to cover my eyes, Adri. I'm not going to peak," Alina whispered. She rested her head against his arm.

"I've never played a game of hide and seek with you before. How am I supposed to know? Seven! Eight! You could be the biggest cheater in the world. Nine!"

"Ah yes, you have found out my secret, Adrik Zelimir Turgenev. My biggest crime is cheating at hide and seek."

"I had a feeling, Sunshine. Fourteen! And was it necessary to use my middle name? Fifteen! You know I hate it. Sixteen!"

"Oh, it was absolutely necessary, Adri. Just so you know I am being so serious."

"Twenty-one! The only regret I have regarding you is the fact of telling you my middle name. Twenty-two!"

"Well you were the one that wanted to play truth or dare after celebrating Winter Solstice."

"Twenty-five! We really shouldn't have drank that much kvas. Twenty-six!"

"I'm glad we did. I did get to find out your amazing middle name after all, Adri."

He shook his head, smiling with a sigh. "I love you so much, Alina Starkov." Heat rushed to his face, his breath catching in his throat. "Twenty-nine!" His voice was shaky, nearly cracking, as he shouted the number for the children to hear. This was the first time that they had seen each other in one hundred and forty-two days. It has to be too early to say that to her. She's probably not ready to say that to me and now I put pressure on her to. Feeling her heart speed up only made him feel more of a mess internally. "Thirty! Ready or not, here we come!"

Adrik unwrapped his arms from around Alina to turn towards the yard. He felt his body get yanked. "Sunshi--" His eyes widened. One second Alina was standing in front of him with her pretty brown eyes looking up at him. Then the next, her hands yanked on his suspenders to pull him down, and her lips were on his.

Slowly, she pulled away. "I love you so much too, Adrik Turgenev."

It had been the first time they kissed on the mouth since the night before the last battle against the Darkling. Adrik's fingers grazed his own bottom lip where hers had been only a moment ago. A smile formed on his blushing face. "One of these times, I need to be the one kissing you."

She shrugged and strolled past him. "One of these times. Alright!" Alina skipped around, her white hair bouncing up and flowing with the light breeze. "Come out, come out wherever you are!"

Slight movement caught the corner of his eye. One of the smaller children was hiding behind a rock. "Shoot, it seems like these kids are real good at hiding, Sunshine!" Adrik spoke up after spending nearly a minute of looking around, seeing a handful of children. "Can't find them! And that's coming from somebody who is amazing at hide and seek."

"We must have gone blind, Adri!"

The familiar voice of Lyda caught their ears from a tree across the yard. "Maybe if you two hadn't been so busy kissing, you wouldn't have gone blind!"

The entire yard filled with laughter, both from the hiders and seekers.

Alina looked back at Adrik. The setting sun haloed her head. With her smile and laugh, and just the way the corners of her eyes creased with that smile. . . comparing her to a saint wouldn't do justice. Alina Starkov was simply Alina Starkov. Nothing or nobody could be better than her.

[disease-danger-darkness-silence]

I might finally be able to sleep, but tonight I had to drive a former student of mine to the ER.

She was literally having a seizure in my roommate's arms and trying to indicate that she had to go to the ER in Reno instead of here in town because our (privately-owned) hospital doesn't take her insurance. I had to reassure her that if it's an emergency, yes, Medicaid will pay the hospital. Everything became very clear at that point, and I instructed the roommate to try and gain her attention when possible. She wasn't always lucid, but giving her a familiar voice to focus on helped. Roommate was panicking badly.

I then had to take all of her vitals, record all of her symptoms, and ascertain what she'd taken medication-wise today, because I'm a semi-trained former medical professional and my roommate was having a panic attack and my student was seizing and neither of us could actually go into the ER with her because Donald fucking Trump fucked around and found out, so the ERs are all on lockdown.

Anyone know how to get a pulse oximeter cheap? Or an iron testing kit? Because she couldn't breathe but her throat wasn't swollen and there was no fluid in her lungs and they diagnosed her with anxiety even though she was a step away from a fucking grand mal seizure when she hasn't had one of those in 15 years. Oh and maybe? A bad reaction to the steroidal anti-inflammatory she was prescribed by her heart doctor. Despite the fact that she's been feeling off and leading up to this for waaaay longer than the three days leading up to this. Sure, the Prednisone may have exacerbated a condition, but it definitely didn't cause it.

Anyway, that was my night. I've been trying to come down ever since. Even trying to get Pietro off my fucking animal crossing island didn't help, because he actively stresses me out. Fuck that character in particular. *sigh*

The nature of my anxiety disorder is that if something is going down in my own personal life, I'll shut down and have a nervous breakdown. But if it's not directly me being affected, I go very calm and collected and begin taking care of shit. Mom friend override on overdrive. This is good, of course, because I have the knowledge and ability to literally save lives, among other things.

The cost is that when the emergency has passed, I have an even worse nervous breakdown. The little voice at the back of my head going, "Don't worry! You can freak out later!" suddenly shuts up and there's nothing left to fill the silence. Klonopin and my nighttime meds helped exactly not at all. I finally put music on and it calmed me down.

Of course, it's now almost time to take my daytime meds. Yaaaay.