#and literally nothing will happen. no apologies no 'i wont do that anymore' s

[coffin-bird]

..

[delicrieux]

☆ﾐ 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚊𝚢 "𝚘𝚑"

PART 8: CAT BOYS 

... it’s late into the night and y/n is streaming with one of her new friends, sykkuno. running on caffeine and redbull is apparently not enough because she falls asleep on his shoulder 45 minutes into their cyberpunk gameplay. at that exact moment, twitter goes up in flames.

─── corpse husband x reader, sykkuno x reader (because i was threatened by thirsty anons) ─── soc. media + written fiction!  ─── word count: 1.8k author’s note: here it is...what yall been asking for. literally had to add a new part for this but i loved this idea sm i couldnt just nOT NOT do it. i tried writing this with the same energy as the smau lmao so expect chaos as always. hope you enjoy it and as always lmk what u think! hopefully yall wont go too feral, but tbh thats prolly too much to ask for xx EDIT: srr for the fucky format tumbler dot com is being lame 

ultimate masterlist.  ҉  myso masterlist   ҉   previous.   ҉   next.

✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼

✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼

Such a back and forth continues for the better part of the day as you get ready. Corpse only whines a bit when you forget to text him back - you are packing, and your prestigious cat ears you bought from Amazon for 10$ deserve exquisite care - which only fuels your seemingly bottomless hunger for mischief, leading to you sneakily ignoring him more. When your phone lights up with a message, you giggle, giddy with excitement. Your laughter only gets louder and more erratic, to the point where Rae had busted down your door and threw her Hello Kitty plush at you - one you’d gotten her, mind you! - and told you to just “Shut the fuck up!”

Ungrateful. You know not everyone can appreciate your sense of humor, or stand your hyena like cackle, but that was uncalled for and you told her as much. Noting the mess your room is in (more than usual, that’s for certain), she leans onto the door frame, crossing her arms over her chest, pretty brown eyes twinkling curiously, “Where you off to?”

“So I had this idea-” You start, but are promptly shut down with a raise of her palm.

“Already know it’s a bad one.”

Insulted, and hurt, you clutch your heart. As if she had not mocked you enough today, “Rae...The hell, that’s so mean...” You mutter, face scrunching into a soft frown, “I only wanted to tell you what me and Syk thought of.”

“Oh?” Intrigued, she raises a brow, “Continue.”

“Gee, thanks for letting me this time.” You mumble, rolling your eyes, “So. We thought we’d stream together. The catch? In the same room! We’ll be playing Cyberpunk. Gotta cash in while the hype is still up.” You add, making her snort, “And, ya know, the whole cat boy business...We’ll be wearing matching cat ears. Admit it, I’m a genius.”

She’s quiet for a moment, mulling over your words; you can practically see the gears in her head turning. She glances around the room, then briefly at you, strangely apprehensive. “You sure that’s a good idea?”

Well, that is definitely not what you expected her to say. You figured it’d be more along the lines of you’d be one ugly cat. “Huh?” Is all you manage to stutter, “What do you mean?”

She gives you a look, one all people give when something is so plainly obvious, “Y/n. You do know the stans will go wild, right? And you do remember our conversation involving Corp-”

“Nope!” You exclaim cheerily with a bright smile to match. You don’t want to think about that. The relationship between you and Corpse is strictly platonic, and besides, seeing Twitter loosing their shit is always funny, and you never miss an opportunity to mess with your fans. Sykkuno is also a good friend, albeit a new one. This supposed flirting from Corpse’s end Rae deduced was nothing more than her projecting her feelings onto the situation. She always liked shoujo anime and was probably thinking one was happening right in front of her. Not a chance. Corpse was just being a friendly crackhead. Your energies mesh beautifully.

Like, beautifully in a strictly friend way. Absolutely nothing more than that.

She gives up, naturally, arguing with a wall would be more productive than arguing with you. You’re such a (Zodiac sign).

“Well,” She mumbles, ticking her head to the side, leaning off of the door frame and turning to leave, “Don’t say I didn’t tell you so.”

Your grin melts as soon as she leaves. Glancing at your bag, you shove your last necessities in with newfound hesitance. 

Nothing bad will happen, right?

...Right?

✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼

It is well past the generally set “appropriate” time to hang out, but since quarantine, what is appropriate anymore anyway? You’ve never been in Sykkuno’s apartment, but now that you’re here it’s...strangely him. Every corner seems tailored to his specific requirements. It’s cozy, and pleasantly warm - it’s a bit chilly in LA, as surprising as that is.

He’s even shyer than you remember him being. And a whole lot more awkward, but in an endearing way, a way that makes you want to laugh and try to reassure him that it’s just you and he has nothing to worry about. While you hung out only once, the history you share is rich and tender. From him following you on Twitter and subsequently prematurely ending your stream, to kidnapping a stray cat affectionately named Juan. His long lost brother, Juan (no the Second, just Juan), lives in your Minecraft server. 

His stream room is sadly bare. There’s an appalling lack of merch or fairy lights. Not even led-lights. It’s a good thing you brought your own. As you try to decided which color would be best - his signature lime green, reminiscent of his adorable Among Us astronaut, or, perhaps, mischievous violet? - he boots the game and tweets out a quick “streaming with y/n in ten mins! come one come all!” 

“You should probably tell your fans, too.” He mumbles, looking somewhere above your shoulder. You settle with cherry blossom pink. Glancing at him, you shrug.

“Ah, do it for me, please?”

“Oh!” He hiccups, “Uhm, I wouldn’t want to pry and I don’t know your password and-”

“It doesn’t have a password.” You had removed it, knowing something like this would happen. Bless your foresight, you did not want him to know it was demonspiitinmymouth. Before he could protest further, you rush to the nearest mirror to put on your cat ears and make sure they aren’t crooked. You look absolutely adorable. The cat boys in your dms will go feral. Hell, you might just go feral looking at yourself! Sykkuno is not ready. No one is. This will be a stream to remember.

When you return (with flourish of course), he’s anxiously fidgeting by his computer, his own little cat ears, one’s he wore for the Halloween stream, peaking out from his silky brown hair. You have to suppress a squeal. When he catches you gaze he gives the kindest, sweetest little smile.

“They, uh--” He points at you, then decides it’s rude to point, bringing his hand back to his lap, then clutching his mouse, lastly releasing a sound stuck between a chuckle and a wheeze, “suit you, uhm, a lot!” He finishes with a resolute nod, quickly spinning in his chair and away from you.

This is the reaction you desired. All is going according to plan. Is this what God feels like? If not, then you pity her. She’s missing out.

Taking a seat next to him - he had been gracious enough to haul you a spare chair from the kitchen - you draw closer, and he, instinctively, shrinks away with another nervous chuckle. 

“You have, uhm... I-I didn’t look!” He quickly chimes. You raise a brow, “Uhm, unopened messages? From Corpse? He texted you when I was tweeting! I didn’t mean to look, I’m sorry-”

Instantly, you recall the famous vine with the scandalous “daddy chill” line, though refrain from saying it aloud. You love havoc, but you’re not evil (Rae would ardently disagree with you, though). Instead, you just shrug, “’S fine, don’t worry. I’ll text him back later. Let’s start?”

He nods, but doesn’t look at you. Granted, you don’t think he glanced at you even once since you returned, “...Okay. Ready?”

“Ready!”

✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼

✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼

You’re much too immersed into the game and Sykkuno’s twitch chat to even check what’s happening on Twitter, but your estimated guess is that everyone’s going crazy. The stream chat is unruly as well, but missing the signature Twitter spark. Most of the chaos is bravely lead by your fans. Sykkuno’s, much like the man himself, are too nice to scream so unabashedly.

Perhaps you excitement had been a bit too taxing, perhaps drinking 5 coffees and 2 energy drinks today and not enough water are to blame for the sudden drowsiness you’re feeling, but you can’t focus on the swimming chat or the abundance of cut-scenes at the starting point of the game. You steadily draw nearer and he, more composed in front of his audience, doesn’t react. About ten more minutes of hoovering by his shoulder and muttering soft commentary, and you feel yourself slipping.

The last coherent thought you have is a few choice words directed at caffeine itself for having the opposite effect of you at the worst time possible.

✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼

✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼

You float in oblivion for perhaps ten minutes at best. Once you awake with a startle, you shower Sykkuno in shy apologies and he quickly reassures you that it’s fine and that he didn’t mind at all!

“Though,” He adds after a thoughtful pause, “not sure if it was very, uh, comfortable?”

His stream chat spams uwu and variations of similar kind. The stream continues for a few more hours before the both of you wish everyone a good night. 

While you planned on wreaking absolute havoc, this sudden falling asleep was unexpected. You pondered the consequences of such an innocent, unplanned act whilst ubering home, fearing to check your phone which by now was blowing up with not only Twitter notifications but also Rae’s angry messages that vaguely read “what the fuck y/n”. Within the past two hours she had left 57 messages on all platforms collectively, including 7 calls. 

Corpse’s last text was over three hours ago.

Now that’s strange. Worry festers quickly. Briefly glancing at your surroundings - the pretty glimmer of passing street lights, neon signs, familiar buildings - you decide that it’s time to check what kind of nuclear explosion you’ve caused.

Your heart drops to the bottom of your stomach as you scroll past the hundreds of tweets and mentions. Scan through Rae’s messages. 

You had failed to prepare ahead. Every explosion of such kind is followed by nuclear winter. And Corpse’s lack of messages feels especially cold.

✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼

✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼

Not you smiling like a fucking idiot reading his last message! You shrink into the backseat, afraid the driver will accidentally look into the rear-view mirror and see you a bit too happy before asking questions. Good news? Yeah, but it’s not like it’s his any beeswax! In the words of Rihanna, just shut up and drive. 

This argument had not yet happened, but you’re preparing, just in case. 

As you think up of potential scenarios, your eyes drill into Corpse’s goodnight text. You’ve looked at it enough. Time to turn the phone screen off. Leave the app, at the very least. When the screen dims you instantly press on it to wake it up. This is embarrassing. Maybe the deadly amount of caffeine really did mess you up, big time. Your heart races in your chest, painfully almost. You feel a bit sick. Worst of all, you can’t stop smiling.

A notification from Rae makes you snap out of it. Ah, one more demon to deal with. 

However, before you talk to her, you really need to tell Twitter that you’re not with Sykkuno. And apologize to Sykkuno as well. 

At least Corpse doesn’t hate you.

Fucking hell, just exit the chat you idiot!

✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼

tags (in italics is those i couldn’t tag! make sure all’s ok w your settings!) : @littlebabysandboxburritos - @fairywriter-oracle - @tsukishimawh0re - @ofstarsanddreams - @bbecc-a - @annshit - @leahh19 - @letsloveimagines - @bellomi-clarke - @wineandionysus - @guiltydols - @onephootinfrontoftheother - @liamakorn - @thirstyfangirl - @lilysdaydreams - @pan-ini - @mxqicshxp - @tanchosanke - @yoshinorecommends - @flightsandfantasy - @liljennyx3 - @slashersdream - @unknown-and-invisible - @sinister-sleep - @fivedicksinatrenchcoat - @mercury–moon - @peterparkerspjsuit - @unstableye - @simonsbluee - @shinyshimaagain - @ppopty - @siriuslystupid - @crapimahuman - @ofthedewthesunlight - @mythicalamphitrite - @artsyally - @corpsesimpp - @corpsewhitetee - @corpse-husbandsimp - @hyp-oh-critical - @roses-and-grasses - @rhyrhy462 - @sparklylandflaplawyer - @charbkgo - @airwaveee - @creativedogs - @kaitlyn2907 - @loxbbg - @afuckingunicornn - @fleurmoon - @yeolliedokai - @truly-dionysus - @multi-fandom-central707

more tags are in the comments bcs tumblr only allows me to tag 50 people max 💙

[illusionlockarchive]

pazam: a mess, truly a mess

so i usually dont do these kind of posts, i guess you could say its a call out of some sort? but i never liked that word, i prefer rather to just compile sources on WHY people would believe that a certain person is not truly as nice and understanding as they seem. consider this more of a psa post, detailing on whats going on with pazam on the sfm community, why so many people are against them.

So, a while back, tumblr user jymble made a post on the main tag stating that pazam was transphobic. they linked back to this post, which contains screenshots of pazam in a group chat stating that they do not feel comfortable with the idea of trans people. now, this did happen 9 months ago, true. however, for the record, pazam is already an adult, 24 years old, so they should have some tact. and as further and more recent events will show, they actually havent changed that much at all, at least not as they claim.

the screenshots should be in the post, but here is a transcript

[Screenshot one]

Pazam:

What????? Why?????

I literally HAVE NOT been doing ANYTHING malicious to them

And if it did I apologized

Yes I do have discomfort about them but I keep it to myself

Why are you doing this????

[End screenshot one]

‘Them’ here refers to trans people in general. Notice the defensive and victimizing stance they almost immediately take upon being confronted about their feelings on trans people.

[Screenshot two]

elliott:

of COURSE you dont

sammaku:

Like specifically

Elliott hush

Pazam:

This whole concept of transness and changing your gender physically

I hate to say it again but it weirds me out and it makes me question my own gender which flings me into anxiety, depression, and obsession

sammaku:

Its fine to not understand but are you willing to learn about it

Pazam:

I don’t want to talk about this anymore

sammaku:

That depression anxiety and obsession just comes with gender issues

(the rest of the text is cut off)

[End Screenshot two]

notice once summaku asks them if they would at least be willing to learn about it, pazam immediately deflects it by saying they dont want to talk about it anymore.

[Screenshot three]

Pazam:

Seriously??? That’s all it takes????

Wow I’m a moron

I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused to you

@.aziraphale @.elliott @.sammaku

I just don’t get this stuff period

And I’ve gotten into trouble with this stuff before

I’ll probably never understand it for the rest of my life but I’ll try to be more tactful around y’all

Especially since you’re all young

And I’m like an adult

[End screenshot three]

While at first this would seem like they had finally learned their lesson and apologized, the things they add on after the @s become quickly worrying. Not only do they admit to ‘have gotten into trouble with this stuff before’, meaning they have probably shown their transphobia in other places and been called out, but they also stand firmly on the fact that they will never understand it or ‘get’ it.

And of course, as jymble points out, the implication that the people they were talking to were only acting like that because they were young.

A while after this post was made, Pazam had posted an apology, and went onto contact jymble asking for the post with the evidence of their transphobic to be taken down. The reason? They were afraid people would see it and think they were still transphobic and not give them a chance.

In this more recent post, you can see the conversation play out between Pazam and jymbles. Long story short, Pazam feels that it’s unfair that that post is still up after they apologized, and jymble of course said they would rather not take it down, people deserve to know what they did and take their own conclusions, even if that involves avoiding them. How does Pazam respond? By flat out deleting the apology post. I’d love to show the apology post to give you both sides of the story but I cannot anymore, because Pazam in a very bizarre move just deleted it because they got mad a trans blogger wouldn’t take down their post with proof.

Here’s the transcript of the screenshots:

[Begin Conversation]

rebloggidy (Pazam’s personal):

I’m by no means transphobia-free after learning what I’ve done but at least I know my actions and am making an effort to be a better person towards trans people.

rebloggidy:

Hi again. So I hate to be that person but would it be ok if you took down that post about the transphobia claims? I know it took me 9 months to apologize but if people only see your side of the story and not realize the post I saw they’ll take it out of context and still think I’m transphobic. Do you understand?

jymble:

... i already told you im not taking down the post.

[jymble sends a screenshot of her own message in a previous conversation, the screenshot reads as follows:

however, i dont think im taking the post down, nor am i entirely comfortable with you interacting with me either. people deserve to know how you acted with this stuff, until youre really and truly *better* with it instead of just trying, and i was a direct target of it]

jymble:

you oughright told me "im by no means transphobia-free", word for word sorry, but i told you before. im not taking the post down.

rebloggidy:

I remember that. But what I'm trying to say to you is that if people who read it out of context will immediately think I'm still transphobic without the other side of it (my comment)

And I don't want people to think that in the future

jymble:

if people make assumptions without looking at the entire situation, thats on them

i am not deleting the post and thats final. people have a right to know what youve done, and they have a right to be uncomfortable

rebloggidy:

I'm ready to take down my post because frankly, I'm sick and tired of having to justifiy something that I did 9 months ago, and that people grow and learn even not 100% during that time and I'm ready to move on.

I'm still into smile for me and feel free to make a blacklist of my name so anybody who rbs my work on your dash can have it hidden or something.

Take care.

[End conversation]

a lot to unpack here, but perhaps most notable is when jymble simply stands her ground and tells pazam she wont take down the post, pazam straight up decides, without being told to or anything, that they should take down their apology. later on, they made a post stating why they deleted the post, and saying they had ‘been forced to’.

I also would love to link it here, but as of now of writing this, like, not even an hour or so after I had seen that post, it got deleted. The only memory I have of it is a conversation I had with my boyfriend about Pazam, in which I copypasted a fragment from that post that read:

“ So for those wondering where the apology post went, I was forced to delete it. I wanted to archive it in some way so I could pull it up for reference, but there was no way I could. Also I didn’t really want to see it every time on my blog because quite honestly it’s upsetting to look at.”

There are some lies and twisting of truths here. Pazam wasn’t forced to delete it, they decided they should do it as a way to somehow get back at jymble. And the excuse that it was upsetting for them to look at is just inexcusable, what matters most, letting people know of what youve done and that youre sorry, or just never addressing the situation?

But, well, I’m just hoping you’ll take my word for it. As you see, Pazam has officially deleted ANY traces of acknowledging this situation on their blog.

This worries me. If Pazam is truly as concerned that they will be seen as transphobic as they claim, why are they deleting anything that could give them a chance of showing their own side of the story?

Now, that is the end, for now, of Pazam’s history with transphobia. However! It is not the end for some other very shady things.

Namely, Pazam has consistently whitewashed characters from Smile For Me, specially Kamal, and when called out on it, simply deletes the asks.

Want to know how I know this?

I sent them an ask myself. I had come across this picture of Boris and Kamal:

And I knew that this wasn’t right. I can understand using light colors and doing watercolor, but if they can make Boris’ hair brown and vivid enough, why not Kamal? He looks like another character completely, or like he’s deathly sick! 

So I sent them an anonymous ask, perhaps a bit exhasperated, true, and my wording could be better. It went something like: “i am begging you to draw kamal with darker skin”.

I waited, checked. But nothing came of it. They never answered it.

Pazam flat out ignored when they were told they had drawn a canonically brown man with skin way too light. Not even a lone text post saying ‘hey anon, i dont agree with you’ or ‘hey anon im sorry it wont happen again’. Nothing. No word, no opinion.

And with this situation going on with them evading responsibility, I can’t say I’m fully surprised.

And, yet another thing. People had expressed concern over the fact they had drawn their Flower Kid, who is 17, in very intimate and close positions with Dr. Habit. It included nuzzling faces, cuddling in bed together, wearing his coat...

And they did hear the claims this time. As of now, their Flower Kid is 24, according to them.

Except... They do not look 24. At. All.

this is a 12 year old. at best. short body, stubby legs, big head. those are all attributes of a very young character, usually children. like, legitimately, thats how childrens anatomy is in real life. the younger the person, the bigger their head is in proportion to their body.

We have already had an adult trying to justify drawing their flower kid who barely looked like an adult if at all in intimate situations with Habit. Let’s not let it slide by again.

And yes, I’m aware Pazam claims that those pictures were not supposed to be interpreted as romantic, ‘only platonic fluff’ and that they intend to keep it that way, but I have talked to my boyfriend who is a survivor and he said it very well could be a case of someone just trying to cover their tracks.

BUT, all that being said, maybe this one particular instance could be just us being wary. Still, it does not diminish all that they have done, specially ignoring the whitewashing claims.

What you are going to do with this information, I do not know. Maybe you don’t care and will keep reblogging their content. Maybe you’re disgusted by them. But I’m just here to give you the facts. Personally though, I’m not willing to give them much of a chance after the way they’ve behaved. They are 24 years old, three years older than me, and I think I could do a better job of handling a situation like this, frankly.

[hereidinathoreauwrites]

Bonus 1: Avalache

Due to overwhelming demand...here’s a little bonus in the Stunning Lack of Context series.

“So what exactly happened?”

“Anna, we’ve apologized seven times…do we really need to explain everything that…”

“Yes.” Anna folded her arms, staring down the two of them. “Elsa, you had me worried sick. So now I want to know everything.” She gestured. “Spill.”

Elsa and Honeymaren exchanged a wide-eyed look, both of them perched close to each other on a log. “Anna…a…are you sure?” Elsa stammered. “It’s not a very interesting story…I can promise you that…”

Anna fixed them with her best Queen glare. “Tell me about the avalanche.”

“Anna please,” Honeymaren pleaded, as Elsa wilted under the look. “I really don’t think you want to hear…”

“TELL ME.”

The two exchanged another look.

“Okay…fine.” Elsa thought back. “It was about a week after that business with my tent…”

Anna glared. “Don’t think you’re getting out of telling that story!”

Honeymaren’s eyes widened. Elsa bit her lip.

“…right…” Elsa finally continued, her cheeks tinged pink. “So…anyway…I had left camp...”

 ***

“Elsa!”

Elsa scrambled to her feet, upsetting the pile of stiff, frozen grass she had been obsessively stacking in her lap. But it wasn’t the voice that had startled her.

“Please…” She begged, wrapping her arms around herself. “I just need to be alone…” After what had happened two days ago, she couldn’t be around the Northuldra woman anymore.

Honeymaren glanced around, taking in the drifts of snow and the neat stacks of individual blades of brittle grass. “Have you been sleeping out here? I told you it’s fine if you want to share my tent.” She turned back to Elsa. Elsa only hunched further. “Please…please don’t run away from me Elsa…” Honeymaren begged, “Let me make this up to you.”

“There’s nothing to make up!” Elsa insisted. “let’s just…accept the inevitable and…”

***

“Wait. You two had a fight?”

“We’d just…uh…” Honeymaren stammered, glancing at Elsa. “well, we’d just…uh.” She trailed off as Elsa gave a tiny shake of her head. “…gotten together…” Honeymaren finished, turning back to Anna. “things were…rocky.”

Anna raised an eyebrow. “Rocky?”

“Do you want to hear this or not, Anna?” Elsa interjected.

The Queen held up her hands. “Sorry…continue.”

***

“You cant just run away from me.” Honeymaren insisted.

“Yes I can…I did.”

The reindeer herder sighed. “I mean, you shouldn’t have to…” she took a step closer. “Your powers are incredible. You shouldn’t feel like you need to apologize for them…”

***

“I told you I liked her, Elsa!”

“Anna!”

“Thank you Anna. I aim to please.”

“Maren…”

***

Maren gently took Elsa’s hand. “Besides,” she continued, “I thought…it was…funny…”

“Funny?” Elsa pulled her hand free, massaging it like Maren had gripped too tightly. “My tent is in ruins and half the camp is covered in icicles…”

The herder chuckled. “Yeah…pretty funny.”

Elsa flushed a deep crimson. “But that was only…!”

“And it was hilarious that you somehow managed to also freeze all of Ryder’s shirts…” Honeymaren sniggered. “and half of his pants…”

***

“Oh yeah…that’s still hilarious. He has to run laps around camp to thaw them out in the mornings…”

“Maren, we’re never going to get through this story if you both keep interrupting…”

“I think it sounds pretty funny. Cant wait to hear that story!”

“Anna…”

“Are we telling her that story?”

“No!”

“YES!”

***

“Maren please…” Elsa begged. “I…I don’t want to hurt anyone...” She gave her a heavy look. “Least of all you.”

The herder shrugged. “That’s a risk I’m willing to take…”

“But I’m not!” Elsa insisted, her fury coating the ground around them in a fine frost. She tucked her hands away, trembling.

Maren’s eyes softened. “Elsa…I knew from the moment I met you what I’d be risking by being with you.” She took a step forward, grass crunching underfoot. “I saw your magic and I knew that if we were going to be together…your magic would be a part of it.” She reached out a hand and brushed a strand of Elsa’s hair back from her face. “I’m okay with that. And I promise…we can find a way through this…together.” She grinned. “Snowflake.”

***

“Awww!”

“Yup, she blushes every time I call her that.”

“I do not.”

“You are literally blushing right now…”

“I AM NOT!”

“You totally are, Elsa…”

***

Elsa flushed beautifully, red running across her nose.

Maren couldn’t help herself; she leaned in and kissed the trail of red, lips moving closer and closer to Elsa’s. Elsa’s hands found purchase on the woman’s hips, pulling her closer.

Their kiss was soft and long, not at all like the kiss that had landed them in this situation.

Their lips parted, Maren’s breath misting in the cold air around Elsa.

“You know…” she began, still catching her breath. “all the way out here…there’s nothing to damage…”

Elsa raised an eyebrow.

Maren fiddled with the ice neckline of Elsa’s dress. “And no one to see if you do…”

“Maren…” Elsa warned as the woman’s hand shifted.

Smirking, Maren moved closer. “And the only clothes you could freeze…are mine…” She kissed her again.

***

“Then what?” Anna prodded, leaning forward on her hands.

“Then there was an avalanche.” Elsa said quickly. “And we barely escaped. The end.”

Maren nodded, making a noise in agreement.

Anna scoffed. “Really? You’re making that ‘hiding-something’ face.” Elsa flushed, looking away as Maren chuckled.

“Come on Elsa, what are you not telling me?” Anna asked.

But both of them instantly went quiet, neither one offering to continue the story.

“Elsa?” Anna asked, trying to catch her eye. “Honeymaren?”

Both of them were refusing to look at her. Elsa had suddenly found the leaves on the ground extremely fascinating. Honeymaren was staring up at the clouds.

Anna crossed her arms. “Well one of you better keep talking. I’ve got all day.”

Elsa sighed, turning towards her girlfriend with a grimace. “I think you should…”

Honeymaren cut her off with a curt shake of her head. “She’s your sister.”

Elsa’s cheeks reddened. “But I don’t want to tell her about that!” She hissed.

Honeymaren rounded on her. “You’d rather I tell her?” Their faces were inches apart but they didn’t look at all like they were flirting.

“Would you just tell me already?” Anna insisted. “I wont get mad.”

They both looked skeptical.

“Elsa?”

The former queen sighed. “Well…you know how…when I…release my powers?” She looked to Anna for confirmation. Anna just nodded. “Ummm…it…it can…it can be…a lot? Sometimes?”

“And?”

Elsa’s whole face turned red and she looked away, joining Honeymaren in her cloud vigil.

Anna frowned. What could she possibly mean by…? “Wait…” Something clicked for her. Anna half stifled a laugh and half froze in horror. “Elsa…did you deliberately cause the avalanche?”

“No.” Honeymaren finally jumped in. “That was entirely my fault…” she was still staring at the clouds but smirking like a cat.

Elsa flinched. “Maren!” She hissed.

“What? You’d rather we lie and tell her the avalanche was a convenient distraction?”

“Yes, actually!”

“Elsa…lying to your sister is just terrible…she deserves the truth!”

“Yeah!” Anna clapped her hands. “Continue the story!”

Elsa closed her eyes.

***

“Here’s better.” Elsa insisted, tugging Maren down from the reindeer’s back.

“Why?” Maren asked.

“We’re closer to the mountains…” Elsa explained. “Snow and ice wont be so out of place here if I…um…if things get…a…and it’s quiet! Very quiet. A quiet…place.”

Maren smiled. “We can call it our quiet place…”

Elsa nodded shyly. “So…you were saying…about clothes?”

***

“Do you…uh…really want all the details?” Elsa asked as Anna stared at her long pause.

“The details of what?” Anna asked. “The avalanche? Yes!”

Honeymaren turned to Elsa, a curious smirk on her face.

“We uh…we got…caught in a sudden avalanche.” Elsa explained, rubbing her arm.

"Smooth." Honeymaren muttered. "Not suspicious at all." Elsa elbowed her, hard by the looks of it.

Anna tilted her head. “You didn’t see or hear it coming?” She asked Elsa.

“We were a bit…distracted.”

“Distracted?”

Elsa coughed loudly as Honeymaren pursed her lips. “please don’t make me spell it out Anna…”

“what are you…? Oh.” Her eyes widened. “OOHHH. So that’s why…?” She gestured like she was shooting ice from her hands.

Elsa nodded, lips pursed.

Now it was Anna’s turn to blush. “Right, yeah. Definitely don’t need to know about that.”

The sisters were silent as Honeymaren tried desperately to contain her laughter.

“So…what happened…after?” Anna asked.

“After…?”

“Elsa was all worn out so I had to scoop her up on my faithful reindeer steed and carry us away from the avalanche.” Maren explained, throwing an arm around Elsa’s shoulder. "Like a knight in shining armor...or something..."

“Awww! That’s sweet!” Anna cooed, as Elsa blushed again. “Just like what Kristoff does for me.”

“There was a slight hiccup though…” Maren continued, her own cheeks looking a little pink. Elsa shook her head furiously but it was too late.

“Like what?” Anna inquired.

Elsa looked away. “My powers were too spent…so I couldn’t make any new clothes.”

Maren nodded. “And we had to leave in a hurry…because of the…”

“avalanche…”

“We had to sneak back into camp…in the middle of the day…”

Anna frowned. “Wait…so you two…?”

Both of them grimaced.

“Thankfully, most of the tribe had gone out to investigate the avalanche and check on the reindeer…” Maren continued, scuffing one foot against the ground. “I don’t think anyone...saw us…”

Anna laughed. “Wow. So you two lovebirds had to sneak back into camp naked because Elsa accidentally caused an avalanche while you were…getting busy.”

Honeymaren grinned sheepishly. “That’s about it…though in her defense, I don’t think it would have happened if I hadn’t been so…persistent.”

Elsa buried her burning face in her hands. She mumbled something about humiliation and being a former queen and being surrounded by people desperate to embarrass her.

Anna was loving this. But she didn’t want Elsa to stay this upset over something that was just so normal. “Oh that’s nothing…” She grinned. “You wont believe some of the antics Kristoff and I have gotten up to while trying to…uh..find ‘a quiet place’.”

“Well,” Honeymaren smirked, coxing Elsa to emerge with a soft hand on her shoulder and a reassuring smile. “We told you ours…how about you tell us yours?”

Anna was really starting to like her sister’s new girlfriend.

[daikaashisthighs]

Confession// Tsukishima Kei

He tried to keep his cool careless demeanor but you can tell he’s flustered. He just looks down at you (because he’s a fucking giant and is probably 1ft taller than you) suprised by your sudden cofession. This boy will literally just stand there for a minute to process what the fuck just happened. As soon as the gears start turning in his head, you can see a small smirk appear on his lips. “Hmmm, is that so?” s/c shyly nodded, ready to run away. As she was about to walk away, he grabbed her hand and told her to wait for her after practice. Poor s/o doesnt know what that means and she freaks out internally.

She waited for a few hours for Tsukki to finish practice. Tsukki invited her to wait inside the gym but she refused knowing her heart wont stop beating out of her chest. She settled outside the gym and literallt stared into the ground thinking of all possible ways Tsukki would turn her down or maybe embarrass her in front of his team. She didnt expect Tsukki to return any sort of feelings because he’s never really shown any interest in her but she couldnt keep it in anymore. She didn’t want to lose their friendship although she felt like it was a one way friendship. Tsukki just usually listens to her ramble on about ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING but from time to time he’d tease her or make a stupid remark. His company is something you treasure and enjoy. 

During those 3-3 1/2 hours, he’d constantly check on you and makes sure you were doing fine. When he realized practice will be running late, he told you to go on ahead and go home. You insited on stay and waiting for him. Of course Tsukkie being a stubborn dino that he is wouldnt let you. He was afraid your parents would get worried or you could possibly get introuble. You explained that your living by yourself and your parents live abroad and he reluctantly agreed. He once again asked you to wait for him inside the gym bc it was getting chilly. You declined and he gave you his jacket to keep warm. BUTTERFLIES ARE FLYING AROUND IN YOUR STOMACH. You told yourself to calm down bc you didnt want to get your hopes up. I mean why would Tsukishima Kei fall for a girl like you. Nothing stands out about you, you dont have anything to offer him and your looks is just average. You shooks those thoughts out of your head and tried to focus on something else. You took out your phone and watched netlix. You couldnt help but smell his jacket and fall totally in love with his scent. You hugged yourself, feeling like Tsukki is actually hugging you. You couldnt help but hope to have the chance to be in his arm. Your eyes started drooping and you leaned agaisnt the cold wall, falling asleep. 

You woke up feeling someone poke your cheeks. You were quite annoyed and was about to give that person a piece of your mind but when open your eyes and met his, you instantly melted. You felt embarrased having fallen  asleep outside, practically hugging his jacket. Little did you know, he found it adorable. A small smile even crept into his lips when he saw you. Before you could say anything, he offered you a hand which you accepted and started walking towards your house. 

The first few minutes, no words were said and you were walking ahead of him to try and avoid his rejection. Neither of you knew what to say or how to start the conversation. You felt as if,  you waited for him for hours just so he could walk you home. You were disappointed and kind of upset. Although you didnt want to be rejected, its better than not knowing. The walk felt painfully slow and awkward. It’s rare for the both of you to feel this awkward silence. You were approaching your house and he still hasnt said a word. You took that as a sign of rejection or a way for tsukki to say his goodbye. You expected him to never talk to you again. You felt like a fool having confessed your feelings for him and ruin your friendship with him.

You reached your front door, you turned to see if tsukki’s still with you. You thought he left bc he was walking behind you and hasnt said a word. Turns out, he’s still there. Once your eyes met, all you could do was apologize. “I’m sorry. It’s okay if you dont want me to be in your life anymore” shit, tears started falling down your face but you contiuned pouring your heart out. “I couldnt help it. I’m sorry I fell for you. I really wish I hadnt so everything could get back to normal.” you looked at him hoping to get a response but nothing. His face is still unamused. “You know what tsukishima, I’m not sorry. This is all your fault. Its your cute faces fault. You made me fall in love with your stupid little quirks. Your annoying gestures and ugh don’t get me started with your voice. How did you now expect me to fall in love when your laugh sound like music to my ears. And those eyes UGH. They make me weak to my knees. Your addiction to dinosaurs, it makes me think of having kids with you and dressing them up in dino costumes just to see you smile. Everything about you, I love and I know I sound crazy right now but I wanted you know this before you go.” somehow tears started pouring down your face. Your hands clutched into a fist and Tsukki noticed your knuckle turning white. He grabbed your hand and looked at you. “I’m sorry Tsukki, I just wanted you to know how loved you are. No one reminds you enough how much of a gem you are. Whoever will own your heart is the luckiest girl in the world” You snatched your hand away from his and walked inside your house, shutting your door, leaving Tsukki outside. 

It took Tsukki a minute to process your outburst. His tongue felt numb. He couldnt say a word. He wanted to tell you he felt the same way but his tongue wouldnt let him and on top of that you didnt give him time to respond. His head was spinning, he didnt know how to react to someone loving all of him, including his flaws. He couldnt understand how it was possible for a girl likeyou to fall for him. He felt as if he was dreaming or this was some cruel prank. He couldnt believe how you felt about him. Shit clicked and he realized how you felt like you were rejected. Tsukki’s interally beating himself up for not clearing it up but he was shocked and nervous. 

He rung the doorbell hoping you would answer but nothing. He was freaking out. He really wanted to see you and tell you how he feels but you werent answering the door. He was contemplating smashing the windows or something. Finally, you answered the door and he immidietly pulls you into a hug. You stayed like that for a while, enjoying the feel of being in his arms. You look down at her, seeing her eyes red and puffy from crying. He hated himself for being the reason why you felt heartbroken. He cupped your cheeks, slowly leaned down kissing you gently. As soon as he met your soft lips, he instantly melted. He couldnt help but smile into the kiss. “You’re such an idiot” he mummbled. Your brained stopped working once he kissed you. “Next time, let me talk okay?” he said softly. “I’m sorry you felt rejected, I was just trying to gather my thoughts and find the right thing to say.” “I’m sorry i jumped into conclusion tsukki, I didnt think you could ever like a girl like me:” You confessed. Tsukki sighed and said “You’re right, I couldn never love a girl you” he paused. You could physically feel your heart break into a million pieces. “It’s because I already love you idiot” He pulled you into a hug and kissed your forehead “Please don’t ever cry again okay? I’m not worth a single tear of yours” “I love you” you mumbled. “I love you more” 

[choco-style]

lately I’ve found myself mind yelling “shut the fuck up” more than usual and I don’t know who to talk to because there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it, I just have to wait to go to school and feel better, which is crazy because the general opinion on school is “god I hate it I just wanna go home” and that’s what I used to think too when I was in my awful 5-8 grade class

and it’s not just real life people I want to shut up, I feel like I’m getting more defensive and my favourite creators are getting called all kinds of things by people who claim to have the higher moral ground (or whatever you call it), when they themselves wish terrible things upon people who have either done nothing wrong, or who have apologized for everything they did wrong. and it’s 99% on tumblr. now I understand why no one fucking likes this site.

and I’m back again in this state where “I wanna go home” doesn’t at all refer to the actual apartment, but to a mentally happy place. and it sounds edgy when your brain says I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home please shut the fuck up

this isn’t even that bad and it’s nothing serious and I don’t know how I feel about all this I just needed to let it out and tumblr is where I can write longass “diary entries” and very few people who I care about will read them, and if someone has a problem with them I don’t give a single shit about their feelings and I hope they get the help they need to not turn into a shitty person or worse.

ive also been kinda mean??like not quite but kinda??? i dont know i just feel like i peaked and now im just kinda there. but im not even in the neutral empty doorway kind of state, its like now im in the room but idk what i wanna do and i need to pee but theres no toilet and im just there. like how dreams feel sometimes,,,,, idk aaagh

during the first 5 days of the week i look forward to the weekend because that keeps me happy and good and nice but then the weekend is the worst part of every week and i look forward to going to school, and now i wont even have this escape because this is the last week were going to school this decade and i have to breathe the same air and hear the same sounds as my family and i dont want to, i wanna go to school and be distracted and plan out my evenings and mornings when im basically alone. or something. i dont know what im talking about. i just dont want winter break. i dont wanna talk to my family when theyre all together. whenever theres even two people from my family in the same room i feel like i want to cry and i end up wishing id made plans or something, anything just to be somewhere else. 

youtube videos arent working anymore. or they are, but not really. i can block out the sound partially but i can still hear other people. and i think its normal but also fucked up. “what is?” well thanks for asking, me in “ “s, having these people argue so much is common but fucked up, having to stop whatever ur doing just to check whether or not a family member is crying, only to find out theyre laughing, is fucked up but maybe common. wanting to be home alone is common and not fucked up i think. going into a mental crisis because youre in this eternal circle of being sad - amplifying it because ur an attention whore - realising ur an attention whore - instead of stopping, u amplify THIS to feel absolutely terrible except not really because its not real or is it - now ur making urself look like the victim of realising ur not the victim. jesus fucking christ u stop thinking about it and it happens again a while later. just shut the fuck up, me. shut the fuck up. make my brain shut the fuck up,  i would literally probably cry happy tears if someone could make me shut the fuck up forever. or maybe i wouldnt but right now i feel like im gonna cry thinking about it. or its just placebo. or not placebo, the negative one. or idk. maybe i was right the first time i dont know. and now my back hurts cuz im like a little bug or whatever im just writing like. reversed arched. i dont know how to explain it lmao. i dont wanna read this thiing ever again but i most likely will! yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! be happy lol u knwo the meme thats like cmon work. idk what it was but the reference is in my brain and i feel like i could use it. and now i sound weird. well not weird im just going thru the thing i explained earlier in this thing. but i wont write abt it im just gonna not think about it bc that seems to work really well. felt the need to add ^^ as if im talking to someone or maybe making my thoughts talk to me rn like how i would talk to someone irl lmao.theyve actually been silent for a while so idk.

id title this “if im being honest” to like show im trying to get my rthoughts out with no real filtering but aaah idk. i dont wanna do it bc the title would be like. bigger and semibold and itd draw attention to  it. i want this to not be read by people but maybe someone will. i have like 2 or 3 people in mind who would maybe maybe maybe read this but i dont know. its really not anything so you shouldnt read it. maybe someone could skim this. is that how you say it. also there is some filtering of my thoughts because i dont wanna name anyone im not looking for trouble i just wanna talk into the void and feel better and maybe this is really it. i do feel kind of relaxed now. my uhhh wrists, yeah thats what theyre fcalled, they kinda hurt and my fingers dont hurt but like, the joints are very,,,accentuated? but not like visually they just. i can conciously feel them? and my throat and kinda eyes? thats bc of almost kinda crying but lol idk. and like ive always hated accentuated feelings and i read this thing on wikipedia about sensory overload and idk if its a normal thing that happens like when something stings or hurts or if its a symptom of something or i dont know but ive always kinda joked about it and its also related to tics. ticks? ticks. tics. and its not really what im feeling rn but its a thing that happens sometimes. kind of. but like when u walk up the stairs and u feel ur right leg has been doing/making more effort pushing u up than ur left leg and u try to balance out the effort and it can be hurtful i guess bc if something like an eye or arm hurts u try to balance out the pain and that can be bad dont do that but like i can do it bc i wont do it in bad scenarios. i went off track lololol sorry

this is kind of what my mind speeches and discourses look like so yeah i hope this goes unnoticed or someone notices it and i can just say nah dude im good trust me because i am i think and u should maybe probably trust me bc usually i have it better than everyone i talk to online or in real life so its fine if u trust me because its nothing to worry about really. ur precious and u desrrve more attention than whatever this thingy is. take care of yourself. the only thing ur allowed to think about this post if u read it (or not but like sure), according to my selfish brain, is that oh wow its cool that u tried mimicking (??) ur thoufhts and id be lioke yeah haha i dont even know whats wriitten in here anymroe im cool like that hahahhahahhhhhhhahha hehe hoho hihi you know. so dont feel anything else than indifference and maybe admiration. i wouldnt say the former if this were something i put thought into but it isnt so enjoy! honesty. kinda.

[nctrenjunie]

and about your friends,, even if it’s a long story, i’m here to hear you always 💕✨ —🍩

Okeyy this is very long but hear is the story:

So I had this friend/Best friend I will call her Sunny okey. So Sunny & I know each other 6 years now. In primary school I was more of a loner and she was one of the more popular kids but every time her “Best friends” hurt her I comforted her. So then after both of us entered the 7th grade we weren´t in the same class but we became really good friends/ Best friends since we had the same interest (Except Kpop - she hated it) & same humor. So the last years we were the best of the best friends & it was all perfect despite some normal problems but we never fought. It started last year in September when both of us didn´t really have enough time to meet up that we drifted a little apart but everything was still okey. 

Okey so my school is a bilingual school, means that we have groups/classes that have all lessons only in our mother tongue (German) but their is also the bilingual part were the classes have half of their lessons in spanish. Me & Sunny are on the bilingual parte so when we end the High school we will have two diplomas the german and the spanish one.

So Sunny started to hang out more with some people from the non bilingual part & there wasn´t any problems I also have some friends that are in other classes but at some point Sunny started to ignore me. So we just started to ignore each other & that´s why I wrote a letter for her birthday that we should start to talk again. It ended up in her ignoring it. So the atmosphere was really tense & some other friends talked to her. Then she came to me one day and told me she thought I didn´t like her anymore since we didn´t talk. We both apologized to each other without any sense & everything was “Okey” but it wasn´t. 

It started to get really hard for me. I´m one of the top students so I had a lot of stress with school & we didn´t really talk even though we apologized to each other. So I started to ask her if she has time, if we can do something together, how she´s doing and if everything is alright. She told me we can do something in the vacations since she is busy and I totally understood. Then she told me in the vacations her grandma from Mexico is here & she can´t meet up. I know her parents so I understood the situation. But it´s really hard to ask her if she has time, than she says now bcs of her grandma but on her Instagram story I see how she´s ice skating with other Friends. I felt so dumb from feeling hurt by this since this is so inmature but it feels so bad. We started to ignore each other again and again and I always forced myself to try to save this friendship but it was so hard since literally nothing came from her. UHHHH fuck I´m literally crying right now.

It´s just so hard beside of school. It just really hurts that I tried so hard to stay friends with her & to see that she didn´t even give a fuck about it. And I couldn´t even say how bad I felt. I´m always the happy one, the funny one who hypes everyone. But I´m so shy in reallife and it was just so not me to cry so I just acted like everything was alright and that it didn´t bother me.

I just got so tired of always being the one who gives her best to make everything work out but nobody else cares. Until a friend of mine told her she should talk to me. Obviously she came after some time, telling me that it was hard for her and she tried to distant herself from everyone obviously not everyone. So we talked and talked and then everything was okey again, besides no it wasn´t. We met up the weekend after this and it seemed so nice to talk again to her, we catched up I told her everything and wtf now she likes kpop, I thought wtf. After years of making fun of it she is the biggest kpop fan. Obviously only BTS is Kpop for her. 

Okey now it´s getting fucked up. I have a girl in my class, lets call her Maddy. So Maddy didn´t really feel well since start of the new year and the Monday after I talked to Sunny she told me she wanted to talk to me. Maddy told me she´s pregnant. Fuck yeah more problems! The good thing is her parents support her & she thought about abortion but she looked at the pros and cons and now she´s going to keep it. So the father, lest call him Mike is super duper dumb. He started to ignore her and whilst they were still together he started to fuck with an 8th grader. A FUCKING 8TH GRADER. Also his parents told Maddy if she doesn´t abort they won´t support her. So Maddy was really hurt she wanted to stay together with him but it obviously didn´t work out so at some point she finally put everything together and broke up with him. There is much more drama of this but I wont explain all of this it´s just too much. 

OKEY. So me & Sunny and some other friends knew about Maddys pregnancy. Maddy told us that she still needs some time before she tells it to our class and that´s obvious. One day two boys from my class, only I & Sunny have contact to them from those who knew about Maddys pregnancy came to me and told me that they know that Maddy is pregnant.

UHHH THIS IS SO DUMB. Literally the only person who was able to tell them was Sunny. It´s not only the fact that she told them about it, its also that she took Maddy the chance away to prepare for the whole class and school to know that she´s pregnant. Sunny took Maddy the chance away to tell everyone what´s happening when she´s ready.

So I went to her. And I tried so hard not to cry. I told Sunny. Please. Please just to save our friendship don´t lie to me. Don´t lie to me and tell me if you told them or if you didn´t. I won´t be angry but just please be honest.

She said she didn´t. Obviously. She asked me why I´m thinking this and I just told her I don´t know but I just wanted to ask her why she´s lying right into my face. Sunny told me she´s gonna talk to them so they won´t tell anyone else and a friend of mine heard her talking to one of them in the corridors. She yelled at him, asked him why he told me that he knew. It was so horrible, I started to cry silently in art class as she came back into class and she told me its okey. It wasn´t her and I can think what I want to. 

I felt so fucking weak for not telling her that its her fault. So I just nodded and told her it´s okey. The next day a friend from the non bilingual part told me that a friend of Sunny told her that Maddy is pregnant. I just couldn´t understand. She is the only one who could have told her since nobody else except of her talks to this girl and why do you tell this someone who didn´t even talk once to Maddy. We went out in the last class, making photos in special art class and since I had the class with her I asked her if we could talk for a short moment. 

I was so sick of everything. I´m always so good with friends but I can be very cold so I just asked her why she told it this one girl. She looked at me confused and I told her I´m tired of her lying to me. She started to cry asking me why I thought so about her. At some point she just walked away, crying. AND OBVIOUSLY EVERYTHING WAS MY FAULT. Everyone asked her, omg why are you crying, Sera about what did you talk. I´m always the bad one at the end just because once in my life I tell her how I fucking feel about her. THATS SO HILARIOUS. I try to solve this, I have so much stress and then I do even more jut to save our memories. And she did nothing, like I wouldn´t get hurt by this just because I don´t like to cry in front of everyone. 

So, we started to ignore each other again. And the last week before our vacations I told her I want to talk to her after the class. I always think everything through but this was so spontaneously, I was shocked at myself for asking her. So after class we stood in the school corridor. School already ended for me but she still had one hour. 

I have this habit to bite on my lip when I´m nervous and I started to bleed a little because I tried so hard not to cry. I finally started to talk. I asked her if it still makes sense to her. Our friendship. Because I feel so hurt fighting for this. I´m the only one trying, the only one who´s really hurt and I just can´t anymore. I started to cry so hard. Some other friends were there and they got really shocked since they´ve never seen me cry. Well, I told her that its just really hard and that literally nothing comes from her and that it´s okey. People drift apart I just never thought it would happen to each other. I told her that I don´t even know anymore if I´m fighting for her and our friendship or just because of our memories since we´ve been together through so much. At some point it was so hard to talk. I just cried so hard, and my under lip bled so much. I asked her if it wouldn´t be better if we stop being friends because its only hurting me and I don´t want to be selfish but I just can´t anymore. I don´t know why I thought she would say something like no. Im so naive. She just apologized silently. And I stopped talking. I wanted to scream at her, telling her that it´s all her fault and that she hurt me so bad. I wanted her to feel as bad as I did. But I didn´t. I felt so bad for thinking about hurting her. She just told me she has to go to her last class and I told her yeah I have to get going too. I just felt horrible but good because I finally didn´t have to worry about it. I got fast out of school, crying. A friend called me, asking me if everything is okey. I told her that I´m feeling better, I really did. She told me Sunny ran up to the bathroom and locked herself up crying. Well, I don´t even know what to do know. 

I think its so funny that I´m so strong but then I´m so weak crying over something like this. I feel better now. It´s just hard. I met up with some friends in the park in the vacations and she was also there but just for a short minute before going away with some friends of her “because she didn´t feel well”. Turns out they just sat away just to not sit with us but texted one of my good friends she should come to them. THIS IS SO INMATURE. I extra told my friend no I don´t care if she´s with us. I´m okey now and it´s not like I hate her or anything. But then she acts like she doesn´t feel good just to go. UHHH THIS IS SO STUPID. I shouldn´t even care about this.

Well I´m doing good now. It´s just a lot but I´m feeling way better now.  I forgot to ask you how your exam went

[heavyyhearts-blog]

actually heres my side

“ first, before getting to real stuff, aya has done this to other people in the past too. when she talked about them to me she said they abused her or abandoned her suddenly. i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off. i don’t have permission to post these logs so out of respect i won’t put them here. “

ive never been very clear in talking about my past experiences with most people. you make this sound as if every person that's ever "abandoned me" were all "abused" by me, when that's not the case. have i acted in shitty ways to some people? yes, but it never had anything to do with me being abandoned, at any point. one of these people, actually straight up disappeared from my life, and i have no idea why. they disappeared off skype and i havent seen them since. we had no problems between eachother whatsoever. a different example i can think of for someone i was talking about? they left because i was too stressful to be around. as in, i always complained too much and that kind of thing and it was too much to be around. i didnt even know them very long.  another example of a person i mentioned with that: they had really bad schizophrenia and like, trauma issues, and what happened there? they'd randomly like? actually start basically splitting on me and getting extremely angry at me out of nowhere for no reason, which i tried to be really tolerable of, until things basically got too much for either of us to handle and after a bit of dumb drama, we separated with , i believe, no hard feelings.

my point being? when i say "ive been abandoned by a lot of people" or whatever, im not literally claiming that i was abused by literally everyone and im some huge victim, lol. that last example? you could probably say i was abused due to the level of pent up anger they were throwing at me, , unprovoked

“ i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off “

first of all, this happened literal years ago. second of all, this person is still full of shit and i can't believe they still insist all of these bullshit lies. "aya stalked me" i hadnt visited your blog for months, i'd literally forgotten about you, yet you somehow still had it set in your head that i was "stalking" you. i wanted to remake my blog for a multitude of reasons, and one of them being, a more back of my mind thing, was, i didnt want you viewing my blog. so i remade. and, like, 2-3 days later, i got paranoid that you had somehow found my new blog, entirely new, so i asked my friend to go see if my new url was on there, because i didnt want to go back on your blog myself. and sure enough, there it was, my new url, even though i hadn't given it out to anyone or posted it anywhere, meaning you literally searched through notes of a post or something along those lines to find it. yeah ive explained this so many times now its fun :) not to mention your shitty friend(s) that would constantly twist my words around and lie saying i was doingthings that i didnt. and your only "proof" was logs of talking shit about me behind my back to one of my friends, you had no screenshots of me doing anything, because guess what, i never did it. wow. "i dont have screenshots because i deleted them all" okay bud. anyway

and now here's my main issue with everything: you are "calling me out" for things we have already personally talked about, that we either resolved, or i apologized for/said that i would try to stop doing so i can better myself which i have actually done? so i literally do not understand why youre calling me out for shit as if im some malicious person trying to hurt people that's just completely incapable of getting better or whatever. lets start

“i’ve tried to cut her off several times, both by trying to talk and express my want to stop talking to her first and by just blocking/ignoring her on everything. i made it clear i wanted to stop talking the first couple of times. she will spam and beg me and make new accounts if she has to. once ive added her back however she’s used that against me”

okay youre calling me out for this but you admitted what you did was fucked up too? and i dont know what else to even say to this other than im going to try to stop getting so attached to people like that so i maybe dont have such bad mental breakdowns every time i thnk someone close to me is leaving like sorry i cant. help feeling that way or control this thing specifically unless i just dont get attached like that at all, which is my fault.

[x] [x] [x]

here, you post a completely out of context rant from me, where i got mad at something you did that you literally admitted was fucked up. full context!

[x] [x] [x] [x] [x]

you even told me you had no idea what you were talking about with any of it.

“ one of the times that we weren’t talking she DMd my twitter mutuals asking them to screenshot my recent tweets. “

i told you my reason for it. i was extremely paranoid that you were talking shit about me behind my back and i wanted to know if you were or not, even though i did it in a really shitty way. i instantly felt so beyond terrible that i had done that. i was sobbing the entire time i was trying to apologize for how fucked up and wrong it was of me to do that, and even apologized for it again later after it had happened already. because i wanted to make sure you knew how sorry i was for it. i cant take something like that back.

[x] [x]

“recently, after getting so upset with me for doing the same thing in the past, she randomly blocked me on everything and refused to talk to me. i would understand if she hadn’t previously gotten so mad and upset at me for the exact same thing. “

?? i split really bad just like i already have been, due to , as i've already exlpained, the nonstop bad things we've had between us for months, to the point i havent been able to talk to you like normal anymore, because just seeing you pisses me off and everything you say/do will just piss me off. i cant help that. its not my fault. i cant just not split like that because we've had fucked up problems for months, that, guess what, shouldnt even be public here for all reasons ive already stated! but i also did it just because ive been deciding i need to get away from you for good, that i dont WANT to talk to you at all anymore. sucks to be treated the way you treat others right.

“ i posted on my twitter saying i wanted to drink and she instantly messaged me begging and spamming me not to “

and everything else like stalling, pressuring you etc. this is still. we talked about this. i said sorry. i got better about it. why do i have a callout.

[x] [x]

like this is literally all just trying to make me look bad in ways that i'm not. nice try, though!

“ when i cc’d bakugou and she tried to make me explain my trauma to make it Valid “

you're trying to make me look bad again. i was just asking because i was anxious wanted to know the reasoning for it and im sorry for pressing it at all but that doesnt mean i was trying to make you explain it so it could be "valid" shut the fuck up lol i even explained to you afterwards why it made me so uncomfortable and that it didnt bother me anymore, that i thought you were just blindly cc'ing him for no real reason like i just assumed it wasnt a coping thing or anything and thats my fault but??? youre trying to make me look bad for it so??? i'd even keep sending you fanart of him like.

[x]

“ she was extremely dependent on me and would spam me if i fell asleep before she woke up, she’d got upset and started splitting on me because i didn’t return her feelings of attraction. “

wat...

“ second, she’s blaming everything on her BPD and “not being able to help it,” or “can’t control herself” “

well, as you can clearly see, ive been anything but that??? but if you wanna keep telling yourself that, go ahead. have i said things LIKE that before? yes, when i was freaking out, over certain things i actually can't help, for example: abandonment trauma??? and like i said before: i need to try to not get so attached to people in the first place so that doesnt happen anymore! otherwise, should some sort of situation like that happen again, i can't handle getting that level of upset. so i prevent that by not getting that level of attached at all. like sorry but theres certain things nobody can help, even you. you're just trying to make it sound like this entire thing has been nothing but "i cant help it"

and lastly, we can't forget the fact that, for a long time, you wouldn't tell me anything. literally anything. i would repeatedly ask you. "what do i do that bothers you what am i doing wrong" etc and all you'd ever say was "idk" 95% of the time. i had absolutely no idea that for the longest time, i had been saying a lot of manipulative, shitty things and acting bad and etc, slash i had no idea that some of my episodes were actually affecting you that badly until way too late.

when you first told me that i had been acting so shitty, through a jpeg meme that was making fun of me, did i realize how awful i was being. i honest to god never had any idea and i explained this to you countless times. that i was  oblivious/i can be oblivious to shitl ike that and that i need you to tell me, otherwise I WONT KNOW.

nice meme. :) but yeah clearly this is still an accurate representation of me, right?

[x] [x]

yeah, you got me though. im a toxic, abusive piece of shit that will never get better, all i do is hurt others, i can't change, ive never apologized, ive never gotten better. totally

and since we're playing this game,

and now that i've said all this, i have nothing else to say. i can't make anyone believe me, but if you do, thanks.

[ferretphobos]

life is fucking weird

I dont know whats going on anymore. Im usually throwing myself into show after show, sometimes without even a weeks worth of rest in between. Its the only way i can feel normal. Ive tried other ways (i.e. drinking, eating ect ect). But the only real way ive found that works is working myself into exhaustion. without a show i feel like im nothing, that im worth nothing. I recently got into a semi-local show of “Grease” but backed out basically because the part wasn't worth it. Now i really regret it. I regret alot of things. The thing I fear most is being left with time to myself. it gives me time to think. thats bad. Big for instance, i recently got into a fresh relationship and almost fucked it up immediately. She is an actress that i met during my second to last show, and younger than me but just as mature (because i am immature as all hell). But because I was in a pretty long relationship where things got pretty serious i got used to certain things. I was used to constantly being in contact with my SO, and just hearing about everything going on during her day so that I felt connected. With this new relationship we talk alot face to face, but sometimes barely pass 5 sentences a day through text, It’s really weird for me. Now i realize just how busy she is, but i didnt understand before, and it ate at me. I just got broken up with a little over 5 months ago, and after 5 years together that is such a short time. I thought I was ok, but it seems to have left some things behind. She also recently got dumped and coupled with her anxiety problem did not help this situation. I stupidly took things overboard. My mind went into overdrive and mistook this lack of communication as a lack of interest, that and I really do not know what people see in me i really do not. I know I have self image issues and am pretty much doing nothing about it so...yeah. continuing, my mind took all this as i am nothing more than a rebound, thats the only reason why she would want to try a relationship in the first place, that she doesnt really know what she wants or that she is just projecting on to me and tricking herself like I did twice when I was around her age. Basically I told myself that this relationship was a lie, that we both were pretending only. That scared the shit outta me. I like to think of myself pretty laid back, but that seems to be falling apart as the years go by. So in my paranoia i texted her confronting her about it, and that went as well as that sounded. It went back and forth me not believing her claims of wanting to truly be in the relationship, and her protesting saying yes she did and that she was sorry for not responding due to a shitty week. Long story short I wallowed for a day and then contacted her to apologize. But it wasnt enough so the day after that we met and hung out until she had to go to work, but then after her work around....10ish? we met and hung out again, just us talking all thru the night again till almost 3....it was nice. we are doing better now, but i cant help but believe its all a ruse, not a purposeful one, but a ruse none the less. I dont know why im just so afraid of this ending and I know I shouldn't be! if its meant to be its meant to be we tried it out good for us, but my mind wont let me believe that. The weird thing is my family has no idea, they dont even know that me and amanda are separate, even tho that was more than 5 months ago. its not like we publicized it or anything but still, i live at home i see them practically everyday. I think I hate them, but I have to smile because I have nowhere else to go. I know Hate is such a strong word but what i feel is more than general dislike. I couldn’t care less if I ever saw or spoke to them again. The bonds I made are stronger than the ones made by blood. How sad is that? Even if i wanted to tell them i feel like I cant. Idk why. And as for amanda, when we split there were alot of declarations of love, even tho we split. It was a weird situation. I told her I prob would not date for a while after her. Because of her I feel like I cannot post anything about Emma, lest I hurt her feelings. And because we work in the same building and alot of our co-workers are friends with both of us I feel like I cant say anything about her anyways. That I would looked down on or that I would be seen as a dick. Idk what to do, I want to show her off so bad, but not if it means all this ridiculous backlash...it doesnt matter tha me and amanda have not spoken in almost two months. or that I dont speak with my parents. I still feel obligated...I hate it....I wish I could move somewhere but Im stuck for right now...I need to get out....I need to go away from alot of people.  To make things worse something else happened. During this whole fight/situation with Emma I got a Fb message. I happened to put up one of those stupid quiz “send me a number deals” and got a response back from someone I never would have imagined. I originally met him at  RCC and he was super nice and one of the more popular in the Theatre program. as far as I was aware I wasnt even on his radar, I had also about 3 months after Amanda dumped me made a tinder because I was feeling bad and wanted to see if I would get any matches at all. So apparently he saw it and messaged me about it saying that he always thought i swung both ways and that he always had a thing for me. So he started complementing me and wanting to set up a date. I always used to have a thing for him but because he was popular never dreamed it would happen, so this was a dream come true...and going against my better judgement started messaging back. I know dick move, dont worry tho. so we message for about three days and then the guilt gets to me, and I break it off. I never want to be known as a cheater....ever....to hurt anyone purposefully is just not me. I let him know the situation and apologized but i still feel horrible....I intend to tell Emma next we meet. on top of all that i havent been feeling myself this past month and a half, or rather Ive been feeling myself and that thought is all the worse. Ive been feeling like there is two anchors attached to my soul dragging me down. Dragging me down emotionally (which led to the Emma Situation), mentally, heck even physically. I constantly feel it. and when that happens its never good. last time that happened I practically became a zombie for 8 months just surviving life. not doing anything but working. Idk what is wrong with me...i hate it. I still have thoughts about death, of attaching an I.V to my arm so that my heart pushes my blood out while I literally walk my life away. The idea just came out of fucking nowhere but its perfect in my head. Walk around with an iv and attacted extender with a towel or maybe empty fluid bag(s) to empty into to all the while recording my last moments. Its almost become obsession.  I dont think I would do it for a while tho. Ive rambled for long enough and have to go back to work. 

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 300718

me and my mom fighting and it brings up memories from like 1-2 years ago when we were fighting all the fucking time, partly bc she was depressed and idk i just found it annoying or smth. idk why. its so mean of me to be so cold and just constantly scream at her and be angry at her even though shes sick and struggling financially but now when i hear her crying again i just cant........ stand it. i get so fucking angry its brings be back to 7th grade again and it totally pisses me off. i feel like seems playing the victim but i know she doesnt line i know its hard for her and she's been through stuff too but i just........... i dont feel anything. i dont feel any compssion or empathy at all i just feel ANNOY.

idk why i am like that. my older adoptive brother used to live with me, mom and lil sis bc he was depressed too and didnt have anywhere to live and i was so pissed. i went to this rich white school and i hated having divorced parents, a mom who was depressed and i couldnt afford all the other things the other kids could. now i realize what they got was fucking insane like they travelled abroad 2727 times a year and only wore designer brands at age 13 like who the fuck can afford that. but back then it made me feel like shit and my relationship to money is just....... even now i cant buy expensive shit. or yes i can, like computer snd stuff but i cant buy expensive clothes or make up cus i feel like such a brag and i still kinda feel like that cus dont like money but i also want money imd sving like s crazy person i have quite much money and i feel quiltat cus i have a lot but i still feel poor and i still cant get myself to spend. and my childhood was ever rough, my parents always made sure to give us what we needed (even if it wasnt like ine if those ugly juicu picture outfits for 100$ each) but i still hated the fact that my dad has to pay for mom and we had to live with him more just bc mom was depressed or not financially stable. i hated to hear them talk abt money and as the older sister i always felt responsible

it was hell back then and im soooo glad we're through that but ive always been the bitch dramatic annoying difficult kid that no one liked. and i was that bc....... idk i have so much anger and sade as within me i guess and also cus well.... then my lil sis wont have to do all this fighting. she was mostly quiet and if she was sad she was sad on her own (or maybe talked to mom a bit sfter). i think she was svared of me back then and i dont blame me i was very very aggressive and im still very aggressive when fighting

im just so frustrated. idk why im such s mean bigch i just cant stand it. maybe i feel guilty?? maybe im svared? idk but when i hear my mom cry i just want to go up to her and slap her. i remember when they divirced and i was like 11. it was like lodig a family again tbh, no it WAS losing a family again. i was always proud over our family but after that it was hell. and i constantly blamed mom and dad for adoöting us, then divorcing snd then getting fucking depressed and low key poor. i was so angry abt mom divorcing dad and i didnt even care why. its so insenditive bc i remember she called dad an enotional abuser and i can low key undersyand what she means but its more like my dad just not being able to express his feelings and he delas with it like pretending nothings wrong which is frustrating ss hell. were fighting a lot too cus he refuses to see things and hes always this positive hoe like..... anyways i blamed her and i saw her as my enemy. thats a problem i have i alwyas see people as friends or enemies and nothing in between. i always think ppl want to hurt me, even my own boyfriend. wow ive been so mean to him too. a mistake and i avt like hes the worst fkn scum on earth just trying to stab me. i blamed mom for everything and the worst thing is that when she says "shes okay with it", me blaming her snd she undersyand its i just grt even more angriper and frustrated and i just cant stand that goody goody. same with my boyfriend when i was treating him like trash and he forgave me i was like........ bitch no

i dont know why it id like that. its like in pushing people away. i obviously do, i realized. i always thought i was the one clinging onto ppl and them ababdoning me but im actually pushing them away bu being a dramatic bigch snd always starting drama when im not satisifed. i started drama with my friends cus i felt like they didnt like me which was actually justified tho cus they beger invited me to anything  and they cut off ppl if they one day decided they didnt like them so i was constantly scared snd wanted more attention eve tho they gave me everything. and obviously that fucked shir up and they cut me off snd i went BANANAS.

why do i always go bananas. its happening iver and over again. i alwyas go bananas and im always so hateful. my attitude to everything is like: "ITS ME!!!! IM THE CICTIM!!!" i really have an inferior complex dont i?? but i also kinda have a superior complex too? where it ink im better. but i think my superior complex is like s defense mechanism to my inferior. im like a bully but more of a drama queen. i remember when my ex bff called me a drama wueen i was soooooooo offended and now i realize bc its true. i am a drama queen but not bc i think its fun fighting thats why i got offended. ppl always think k want to start fights and like to start fights and...... its kind sture but not really. its true that i always start fights and that i feel like i have to fight allt he time but its simple bc of what i justs aid; i feel like i always have to fight and win. life is a constant battle for me, everyones after me. i have to fight even though im anxious all the time im fighting.

i dont understand why im so mean all the time. like when my mom is crying or when she was depressed or when me and my boyfriend are fighting and im so mean i make him cry i dont feel anything. i once said to my dad "now i understand why mom divirced you" and i didnt even feel bad about it. i just get annoyed, especially at my mom. i just want to tell then to shut the fuck up and when i was younger i literally did. my parents got divorced, my mom got ptsd, our money.... :// and i literally just blamed her for everything. for breaking up with dad, adopting me and my sister, divorcing, getting sick, getting bad economy. i hated her and i was such a mean little bitch. we fought constantly for years and even though its better now...... its still there within me. i was fighting with her again today and heard her crying and i just..... wanted her to stop. not because i care but because it makes me feel bad or something i dont know? oh yes, that must be it by the way. its probably guilt. yes its definitely guilt. even when she forgives me and even my boyfriend forgives me for being mean i get even more annoyed and it MUST be because i feel even more guilty?? i dont undersyand though why am i alwyas so mean. its really true i feel like the world is against me. i see people as friends or enemies and nothin inbetween like my boyfriend can make a mistake and i can get so fucking angry bc i think he wants to hurt me or something which is horrible. hes literally crying, telling me that he's been there for me all this time, when i wanted to die, when i fought with my parents and lost all my friends. hes telling me; "ive only been trying to help you. ive only been kind to you. why do you think i want to hurt you. i love you. why cant you see that"

just thinking back at those words gets me teary. hes so right but at moments like those i cant see or feel it. im blinded by.... i dont know. paranoia? hatred? fear? at that moment i refuse to see the truth in his words and instead i grow even more annoyed. and then i feel guilty and i try to shut him out which im doing by blaming him. i once forced him to break up with me just to blame him for it. thats some psycho shit and no matter how much im trying to undersyand i dont undersyand my own behavior but i also know im the first one to declare WAR as soon as someone criticize me. only my boyfriend can criticize me (when im stable, uhhh when im not stable im afraid i would be very very very mean to him). i only tteust him. but im also so guilty. hes too nice for me and we all know its true. im just using him. im using him. first i used him for his love and undersyanding. and now im not even in live with him anymore. now i use him because of everything we've been through, because i trust him better than anyone and because im svared of being alone and unloved. i dont know if i live him or if thats just some sick shit an abuser would tell themselves to keep staying with their target. i'd like to think i love him but maybe i only think about myself. maybe im only living on his love anyways because i sure as hell dont live myself. can i really say i love jim? look at me. im sad and i feel bad im about to text him i love him but then is top myself.... is that only me manipulating him? manipulating myself? i want to believe i love him to make me feel ebtter? ir would make sense considering how much i use him tor reassure myself. ive beeb doubting our relationship a lot and everytime i use him as a comforter to tell me everything will be fine.

i feel like im always mean and scare people away even though i want them to stay with me. even though i want to love them. why is it like that. why do i always feel so fucked up

sometimes im afraid to show this side and sometimes im not.

in struggling between moving on from the disgusting person i was but like..... i dont wanna escape. i feel like im only ignoring her snd i dont deserve it. i feel like im still that person no matter how much i try to move one idk. maybe its time? maybe it would feel better if i apologized but i just.... cant. im too proud. they both apologized to be snd in the moment i accepted and apologized to them too but now..... i dont know. sometimes i feel like i was a complete bitch and everhthing was my fault which it was. i was having a war with myself and i dragged them into it. i was paranoid and thought they only wanted to hurt me. but st the same time i also KNOW they did things that werent very smart. i dont think they did it on purpose like i think back then but...... fuck it was stupid and im still mad about it. i just felt so abandoned and humiliated and the reason i got so depressed back then was because i realized its because of who i am. similar things have happened before but i just kept going cus i thought they were dumb af but now i really realized i got issues. snd im afraid i wont ever be able to make a real friend if i cant fix it

i feel like i have to hide it and if i hide it and cant show it im a bad person and ppl will judge me and hate me (justified)

im trying to be positive and the better im feeling, the less mean i am but like...... im still mean and abusive.

[deadcatelog]

chaha,, this is why i ended up crying on the sidewalk at 12am outside of a public event i’d brought a ticket for because i wanted.......  i thought we both wanted to go........ she told me she was in the city then suddenly she says she realized she was actually in longisland and about 2hrs away from the city........ even when.

i thought were going to do something fun together again for once, since it’d been so long...... i sai d i wanted to go see it and she said she wanted to come and i told her where i was.. she has a car and i took the train which is a lot slower and; she never responded? we used to talk for hours.. then about an hour, or a little more than an hour away? maybe 2? from when the event was soupposed to start she told me she was hanging out in a lounge with some of her other friends. drinking and partying? i was nt mad she was enjoying herself but i was peevedshe didn’t even tell me she was back in the city.... even if that was the case that she ever wasn t omg... it wasso close to when the even was soupposed to start. there’s no cell service in the subway and my phone was abt to die. i texted her asking, i don’t remember? omething about the event.i think i told her i was an hr away from it and since we were both in different places and w diff. transportation situations... she took so long to respond... my phone was about to die.. im so fucking easy to fool lmao, i was curled up in the corner of a room after i finally walked in the event charging my phone for 2 hrs (the event was 3 hrs) waiting for anything... she always lets her phone die when shes out late at night. my phone was on 1% so i thought maybe hers was too so i stopped thinking about it and just sat at the bar and listened to the music. i think my last text to her was “are you coming?” i woke up in the middle of the day the next day and there was just still no response.. i should have expected this. she’s been so cold lately. she probably just realized what a fucking mess and a burden i was and that she didn’t have to do that once she saw how normal people acted towards each other. she probably didn’t want to deal with the stress......she was being nice about it and i was being an idiot. last time we hung out i pointed out that there was this function in manhattan while we were in queens after getting something to eat, we spent all day in queens until she led me into a dunking donut and sat down and we sat there for hours. she said she had to charge her phone. she had a portable charger. right before this she kept telling me how tired she was and how she wanted to go home and i protested but then i was like... ok thats fine ur tired lets go to ur car and i’ll see u off but she told me she’d parked really really far away.i didn’t mind, she was the last person whose company i enjoyed. i was so scared of the idea  that she wanted nothing to do with me. we stayed in that fucking donut shop for hours. i was tired too so i got a double expresso so we could hang out like we’d sai we’d do.... like i’d traveled 2hrs for to do.... she didn’t even talk to me almost the entire time, she was jst staring at her phone. maybe complaining about how i wouldn’t take a hint. i don’t even know who those ppl r she never told me anything about them besides the fact that some of them were older than her and they went out drinking together often. she sounded like she really liked them. i didnt care that she had other friends whose company she enjoyed so much... it made me happy to see how well she was doing after hs. god im such a fool. i’m so fucking stupid im literally fucking retarded. she;d been acting weird and distant for months. i thought that was just what is was like watching your hs friends grow up when u two were in completel different situations but there were so many times where i’d toss all my plans to prepare to travel/hang out w her just to show up and suddenly she didn’t have the time bc she had something she had to do that ...just so happened to be starting like 10 minutes after i’d traveled all the way across manhattan to see her... im a fucking idiot. she probably decided she didn’t like me anymore a long time ago after nothaving to deal w me every day and was probably trying tolet me go easy by letting me chose not to make the same dumb decisions over and over but i was so desprate to hold onto her bc no one else talks to me. an y sane person wouldn’t have stood up for that... and some times i did say to her that what it wasn’t cool to call me over and say we should hang out only to tell me she’d have to bail for an interview or something she was scheduled for like a week b4 we met up or something. she never responded to those texts. i was so scared she would decide she was mad at me and done dealing with me so i never mentioned them again even though it fucking hurt. i felt like a toy being tugged around when she got bored but immediately threw away when something else, something more important than leisure of course, came up. i dont know how to make friends. looking back on it, were we even really best friends like i thought? we were only friends for a year, maybe that wasn’t enough? i enjoyed her comapny... and S’s comapny, and sometimes A’s company so much... especilly when we were all thogether even if it was just in class. maybe im just being inconsiderate and i cant see why so im jumping to conclusions bcfrom my point of view i’m?? everything hurts again. im always the fucking dummy, the crazy psycho weirdo that even the nicest ppl could see needed to be put down before it hurt anyone or them. even someone as blind as me can see it in their fucking eyes. they get wide, they back up a bit or hunch their shoulders and stop talking and my fucking dumbass just walks forward and keeps running my dumb mouth bc all i think of it is ‘oh! what happened? they wont be able to hear me from that far away i’ll walk closer and keep taling’ ad now im just  afucking angry loser screaming like a fucking toddler on the floor about how unfair the world is when the truth is nobody deserves to fucking have to deal with me. mr g was right to fucking hate my entitled guts. ms garia was right to fucking hate my guts too while putting on a huge fake grinthat i just saw as proof that what i thought she was probably thinking of me was just my outlandish brain trying to make me feel like the entire world was fucking against me when in reality that wasn;t the case when in reality that was the case because they have a fucking reason to be. even though i wasbeginning to ate my uncle for basically cornering me all the time and listing off all the ways he thought i was stupid and disgusting and a pain to have around wasn’t he fucking right? it i it cant just i cant just run around being offended by everyone in the world and giving them the silent treatment-- even if i thought i was giving them space,how could they fucking know?? 

there probably isnt a person on this planet that would feel sympathy for my fucks. ed up situation because they suddenly have to deal with treating this entitled stupid bitch super delicately  least she hurt them. i don’t even know what i do to hurt them, but i do it anyways. im 100% sure that its just by being me. my mother always fucking screamed at me since i was little how much of a curse i was on her. i can’t imagine my brother came out of nowhere with what he was thinking when he stomped upstairs and choke slammed me against my fucking bed and screamed in my face while he shook me and stepped on my laptop after i took my food back. he called me ungrateful. he yelled it to me straight in my ear as if to force it into my head. i don’t even remember being ungrateful?? he talked about brining home food he let me eatallthe time like white astle but i thought i’d always expressed my gratitute but maybe i didn’t?? i don’t remember. i always felt like id din. 

there’s a fucking REASON why EVERYONE i meet thinks im a fucking liar and more than worthy of their distain and being put in my place whether it meant i’d get my feelings or my fucking face hurt. everyone wants me to apologize to my brother. and my mother. everyone thinks im being an unreasonable cunt. EVERYONE in my family has shown distain or disapointment in me. it doesnteven fucking matter that i was ableto get into one of the best schools in the country. now i just get even more people outright avoiding me or confronting me bout how much of a fucking disgrace they think i am. my fucking exsistance is always a major fucking burden on everyone around me. it just keeps happening again and againandn again and i keep trying to change but the cycle never stops. it doesnt matter how good of a persn i run into, after having to deal w me for a few weeks they’ll start pushing me out of the way if im walking too slow or step on my toes or avoid me and talk about me behind my back. i can imagine it.... i’ve always told myself i was wrong and oerthinking myself but it always turns out to be true and its always worse than i imagned they’re always way more pissed off at me for my bullshit and that hurts more than any ~over anxious thinking~ i could tell myself. they dont deserve to have to deal with a fucking demon like me but im fucking human too and it hurts so fuking bad. i an see how much they hate me or are pissed to have to put up with me. my uncle told me a few weeks ago that he wish i knew how much he wanted to fucking hurt me when he came back to his apartment and saw the mess i made... i swear to god i was letting the fucking meat defrost... it was 1am bu i was up the entire time; i was making burgers. there were two and the first one was fucking raw and frozen on the inside despite deforsting it in the microwave. he asked me over and over again when school was starting again. i wanted to cry at how obvious it was he wanted me fucking out. i thought i just had bad luck witht my mom but that made me realize it wasn’t fucking bad luck it was all my own fault. probably from the very beginning. i couldn’t help that i didn’t want towash the dishes then and did eveything i ould to get out of it with her. i couldn’t help that even though i did wash the dishes and cleaned up after myself that i let everything aroun d me get so bad before i did something about it. back then i just didnt want to do it and i thought it was unfair that i was always the one to clean the dishes all the time while tony only had to tae out th e trash once a week or so. every time she told me to get off my ass and wash the dishes it was so fucking full it made me mad that i was cleaning up after everyone else. and every time i pointed that out of course both of them were aginst me. she and he told me in their own ways they bot h thought it was only fair. 

that fucking bitch. she wasn’t even anywhere close to fucking proud when i got into columbia. her voice was flat the entire time, i tried to get her excited so hard. i knew she cared about money, i told her how much money a school like this could help me make and it was basically fucking radio scilence. and i wasn’t even anywhere comfortable, i was at this place in brooklyn (fucking brooklyn, fuck brooklyn) for this other girl i’d just become friends with (that’s a lie, i dont become friends w ppl idk how she just picked me up like a dog off the dtreet. she told me she liked to do that with people once)and this new teacher that got so pissed at me when i wandered off like i wasn’t fucking 30 days off from being 18 years instead of 8 years old... my heart was singing. i’d finally gotten into my dream school and she didn’t care, and then she didn’t care either. they were both probably so fucking annoyed it hurt ind ifferent ways i didnt want to talk about it anymore. i wanted to hug everyone around me, for the first time in so long i felt like my world lit up in a billion colors and i could finally be happy iforever but it was like... no one felt the same way. i get a bigger reaction from strangers who can briefly relate to me off of some superficial shit all the time than i did. i’d lost that feeling after that. it went from winning the lottery to just another academic achievement that nobody but me and a few other poor souls that probably had to feel obligated to say something nice even gave a shit about. those types, i cant even imagine im an entire person to them. i’m just some symbol of like... society as a whole not being... fucking i dont know,? even this sounds fucking arragont and hell coming out my my mouth nowthat i type it out... lmao mr. g just gave me this fucking look after the announcement took place for the rest of the year. i wanted him to acknowledge that he was wrong about me so bad, haha, that he was wrong to hate me but of course why would being the first student in the history of our shitty fucking school to even get in shitting distance of an ivy league mean anything to him? he probably figured i got in bc i was black, and poor and using that + lies to trick the adoffiers to let me in. ms garcia too. she would hardly speak to me after that. her eyes seemed to burn whenever i met them. i... never thought that they were wrong, i couldn’t shake the enthusiasim i’d lost inside of me after the other day. i( can’t imagine they thought i was anything less than absolutely coddled and spoiled athome while my entire family stroked my ego and did my every bidding since it would probably explain why i acted the way i did in class and schooli guess. fuck i cant even remember more than half the shit i did in hs.)but wasn’t going to just so happen to speak about how great if feels to know that i was probably going to be set for life, for a great fanatastic life, when they were alwyas just barely keeping their mouths shut from calling me a a fucking retarded entitled cunt every time i opened my mouth and it pissed them off.

god no wonder they hated me. im losing my train of thought. i hate myself. i hate myself so much. i don’t even know wit when im hurting other ppl andyeti was always this self righteous bastard who claimed i only cared about others bc i did community service (that no one ever saw since i didn’t do it in school.... so it would be easy to just think that im just a lyingbitch trying to get attention and shit i dont deserve.... like w this admission offer lol)

everyone whose nice to me eventually learns it was a fucking mistake.i seethe way people look at me so clearly now, but still its neveruntil its too late i still dont fucking know what i do to piss everyone around me off all the time. everyone i figured was pretty smart around me always tended to avoid me or get angry at me for no reaosn i could explain. lmao. andr saw it too, she couldn’t stand being around me after a certainpoint. i dont have friends. ive never had friends like everyone else had friends. just fucking sympathizers (”why do you even speak to her?” just someone looking out for someone they loved when i did some dumb shit to them) i wish i had a knife so i could slit my throat right here. maybe then someone will read it and understand that i dont mean it but onestly would they?? am i getting anything less than i fucking deserve?? it doesnt matter if i don’t like it, i’m always brining fucking painful unnecessary bullshit into people’s lifes and make even the kindest people want to fucking rip my guts out for it. there’s a noose tied up to my closet right now but i please just please don’t want to suffer anymore.i dont want toknow what its like to be homeless, but idid this to myself. i’ve always fucking did this to myself. all my shit is password protected. i want to see myself as a martyr so bad but a martyr wouldn’t try and force someone to read this shit and try and make them feel bad for shit they barely had anything to do with that im just trying to drag them into bc i want to feel good about myself, and they only was i an accomplish that is by making other people feel bad?? hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

a few weeks ag  i told myself i wouldn’t do it in my dorm because i didn’t want to make other people comfortable. i dont want anyone to come and see my body next to the fucking pigsty i always seem to create wherever i go. i dont want them to have to see my half naked body, but i didnt have any clean clothes. clothes... i jsut spent over 100 on some fucking jeans and a denim jaket bc i wanted it even though i can’t really afford it. me bac k on my bullshit again, of course.oh my god oh mygod. fucking hell god dammit. but isnt this nothing less than i desevre anyway? for making so many poor innocent people have to endure my fucking insane ly uncomfortable awkwardness and the natural hellfire that surrounds me and i was born with and burns everyone around me except for me. is it really so objectively terrible when they burn me back?? they don’t know that i dont have any idea what im doing. they dont know what goes on in my head. i learned to destroy my own feelingsand shut down my human reactions while i was livnngin that hell hole........the second hellhole i came from,theone here on earthnot the one ispwaned in lol.

i really dont even want to hink about the anger the peoplewhove trulygotten to know me will go through if i did die like this. everyone around them will be superifcially mourning and they wouldnt be able to say anything bad, haha~ about me because of the social pressure or w.e, they’dprobably feel terrible themselves because i know even thoughthey hate me and hurt me or want to hurt me or lie to me to hurt me or laugh ifthey make me flinch they’d probablyfeel bad about how glad they feel and should feel for having thishorriblehellcritter whipe herselfoff the face of the earth. and everyone elsewill think im pathetic, of course. so many people already know howpathetici am. theyll ust roll their eyes in annoyance and grumble how i did everything to deserve the shit i went through, and that it was pathetic how i canttake half the shiti dish out.then they;ll go on with their lives nd i’ll be dead and forgotten and the world can cheer silently that im finally gone.

[cyberpink]

Uncommon Questions for OCs and their creators: Reilya Rift

In response to @bright-witch‘s ask, that is now like a month old.... Sorry this took so long! Work has been keeping me really busy lately. I’ll post the last one as soon as I am able to :) Note: There was just so many questions per character so I decided to break them down so it’s easier to read/tag. Also put under a cut because the post is hella long! Thanks for asking! : ) 

QUESTIONS FOR YOUR OCs

What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do? Not very long. Maybe an hour or so if she needed to be. Reilya can be a patient person but likes to be on the go.

How easy is it for your character to laugh? Depends on what kind of laugh, I suppose? Reilya has a habit of laughing when she’s nervous. She can be quite the giggler.

How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?) If she’s out in the wilderness, she usually winds down for the night by staring up at the stars and thinking; or talking to Vilja, Bishop, or Serana before falling asleep. If by chance she is staying at an inn she usually has a tankard or two of mead before hitting the sack.

How easy is it to earn their trust? Not very. She guards herself quite well and has walls to protect her walls. It’s been instilled in her by her brother not to give away her trust easily– you never know who might betray you when you have a hefty bounty on your head.. She might not share Ferron's obsessive paranoia over it, but she can see the logic behind it. So she tends to wear many faces and purposely tries to reveal as little of herself as possible to others. 

How easy is it to earn their mistrust? Lie to her once, and she’ll be suspicious of everything you say. Though, this is another area where she is not nearly as extreme as Ferron can be. She is generally more forgiving than he is. If someone were to apologize and try to make amends she wouldn't turn them away. Usually people deserve second chances. But she's not naive, and once trust has been revoked it's difficult to fully regain it with her. 

Do they consider laws flexible, or immovable? As far as “The Law of The Land” goes, Veeery flexible. She’s not evil or anything, but she’s definitely the kind of person who doesn’t go out of her way to help people she doesn’t have an attachment to unless it benefits her. She is going to do what is more pragmatic for herself. Not the greater good or whatever. It’s the reason she agreed to the whole “Dragonborn” business to begin with. It was a shiny prospect that promised friends in high places that could protect her from the Thalmor. Accepting the title and not just running off into the night wasn't a decision she made out of any strong moral obligation. In a lot of ways it worked wonders! Not only did Reilya not die and all, but now she’s this “Hero” thing: she has influential friends now, including the High Queen of Skyrim, and the Thalmor can’t really openly harm her anymore without threat of severe political repercussions. That doesn’t mean they won't ever try again, but for now the organization’s hands are kind of tied and she's pretty much free to live openly and unapologetically, which is all she could have asked for.    With all that being said, Reilya does follow her own sense of what's right and wrong. Don’t harm innocents, avoiding setting places ablaze unless absolutely necessary, etc. Besides that though, mostly anything is free game.

What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling? The smell of sandalwood, the smell of grass after rainfall. The drowned out, faint sound of music playing from a different room. She doesn’t mind nostalgia too much as long as it's fleeting. She doesn't like to think too much about the past.

What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a child She was told quite often to stop setting things on fire, and to have more self-control over her latent magical abilities. As a child she was a daredevil (that never quite went away) and you would often find her climbing trees, chasing wild animals, sneaking off to watch solider's sparring, and other things kids are wont to do. Her parents tried (and often failed) in trying to encourage her to pursue more… traditionally “feminine” activities. With mild success. She’s still an adventurous daredevil: now she just does it with style.

Do they swear? Do they remember their first swear word? She doesn’t swear that often, but has been known to do it on occasion when she feels very passionate about something.  

What lie do they most frequently remember telling? Does it haunt them? The most frequent lie is the lie of omission. Who she really is; that she is hiding from the Thalmor; that she burned her home down to the ground, killing countless people who served her family along with the murder of her Uncle that she had a hand in. Similar to Ferron, she is so used to telling this kind of lie that it comes naturally at this point. There are a select few people that she has come to trust enough to tell the truth of her upbringing to, but this is not a lie that she feels guilty about. The risk of being caught by the Thalmor is too great tell just anyone, and the horror stories of what happens when you are at their mercy is harrowing. She doesn’t spend her life looking over her shoulder, it's something she refuses to do. But these are painful stories that most people don't deserve to know. And the price on her head is quite the sum, it could sway anyone in desperate need for gold.  So, no, it doesn't haunt her. The way she sees it, she's protecting herself and those around her. 

How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)? Depends on what she’s confused about. In normal conversation, she might mull over the possible conclusions in her mind and conjure up different scenarios.   She does not handle being frustrated well and she can be a bit reckless. So if she's confused and the situation is tense, she's hands down a "throw a fireball now and ask questions later" kind of person.

How do they deal with an itch found in a place they can’t quite reach? She'd probably struggle to reach her itch herself. Though she may implore one of her companions to scratch it for her. Vilja gives her back scratches all of the time, so it wouldn't be unusual for her to ask her.. 

What color do they think they look best in? Do they actually look best in that color? She thinks she looks best in muted colors– Like Greys, black, white and browns. I think she actually looks best in sapphire, purple, and muted yellows.

What animal do they fear most? Hmmm.. I suppose trolls. They're big, hairy, and aggressive as all hell. And they can be a real pain to deal with in the rain when it's more difficult to summon fire magic.  But she doesn’t fear very many wild animals. She’s lived in forests for many years. It’s why even now, when she travels, she still prefers camping outdoors than staying in inns.

How do they speak? Is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first? Her words are usually very carefully crafted to get what she wants out of a conversation, unless she is frustrated, surprised, or stressed out.

What makes their stomach turn? Thalmor soldiers. Anywhere near her, ever. Also, anything that reminds her of that whole, "burning down her family home in the heat of uncontrollable rage and leaving countless bodies in the wake" thing that she purposely tries to avoid dealing with. 

Are they easily embarrassed? Not in particular. She’s not a shy person.

What embarrasses them? A complete loss of control.

What is their favorite number? 28.

If they were asked to explain the difference between romantic and platonic or familial love, how would they do so? Please don’t ask her this unless you explicitly want her to hit on you. A question like this is a perfect opening for a flirty remark on how happy she’d be to show you the difference and it's just going to be awkward, so don't.

Why do they get up in the morning?  Literally -- she's probably getting up early as hell because Bishop is a raging insomniac and wakes up at absurdly early hours of the day and she's a light sleeper.  Figuratively -- The thrill of adventure. To find some purpose to her life-- she's always subconsciously trying to find that thing that rationalizes all the misery she's caused. 

How does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)?  She doesn’t get jealous as easily as others might. But even though she is polyamorous, it happens; jealousy is as normal as any emotion. It’s a small voice in the back of her head, making her feel as though she may be forgotten or unworthy. When this does happen, she will isolate herself for a bit and lick her wounds in solitude, and think. She is not the type of person who will let this kind of thing affect the way she treats the people she cares about, and so she takes time for herself to sort out her emotions instead of lashing out. If she needs to talk to someone about what she’s feeling she lets them know. 

How does envy manifest itself in them (they take what they want, they become resentful, etc)?  She can be vindictive and use wield words like weapons-- carefully placed to hurt a person the most. Just an FYI, Reilya can be pretty damn petty. 

Is sex something that they’re comfortable speaking about? To whom?  Very comfortable, and with anyone she feels a connection with.

What are their thoughts on marriage?  She’s not necessarily opposed to the idea itself, but she does prefer her freedom, and monogamy really isn’t her pace.  Perhaps, once things have settled down for her, and when her quad becomes more comfortable with one another, she may choose to marry. Only if everyone is comfortable with it, of course, and one of her partners really wanted it. Marriage to one of her partners wouldn’t make the rest of her relationships trivial by any means.  I always thought that if it ever happened, Reilya and Vilja would be the most likely to get married. Both Bishop and Serana seem very solo-poly to me and appreciate their autonomy to come and go as they please.

What is their preferred mode of transportation? If she could, she'd be riding on a dragon every day, but she's only got to experience that kind of fun once.  Horse more than likely for the convenience, but traveling on foot has its advantages as well.

What causes them to feel dread?  Having to deal with anything from her past at all.

Would they prefer a lie over an unpleasant truth?  She prefers to hear the truth, even if a lie would be easier to hear.

Do they usually live up to their own ideals?  Yes and no? She's kind of this hypocritical mess. She does this thing where she's constantly holding herself to a high standard because she feels extremely guilty for reasons that I explained above, while at the same time doing everything she can to avoid dealing with those feelings. So while she deep down wants to do better and make up for what she did, she'd rather make lewd jokes and flirt to avoid dealing with the heavy reality that there's blood on her hands. She's kind of... out of control, in that aspect. 

Who do they most regret meeting?  I guess that would probably be Futhuil, her uncle, though it wasn't exactly avoidable on her part. and it's not as though Ferron and Reilya could ever prove that he was behind their parent's death; that he was involved in some heavy handed plot to leverage himself into a position of power in High Rock while giving the Aldmeri Dominion another pot of honey to stick their fingers in. It was pretty obvious that was the case when he was holding a sword to Ferron's throat and threatening to sell Reilya off to the Thalmor for her "freakish abilities." But any proof that may have existed was burned along with everything else in that fire, or buried in the desk of some far-away justiciar. 

Who are they the most glad to have met? Vilja, who taught her that friendship doesn't have to be fleeting and people who care about you can accept even the darker sides of yourself. Serana, who taught her that you can still care for your family but not follow them blindly into the void. That it's never too late to follow your own path rather than the path that was laid before you by others. Bishop, who taught her that the actions of other's aren't the responsibility of oneself. There's always a chance to change, even if it's painful.  And other's who helped her and her brother along their way. Bauther, who became like a second father to her and Ferron. His wife Gisha, who taught her how to handle a real blade instead of just those weightless magic conjurings that she still prefers even to this day. and Neesir, the Hammerfell firewitch who apprenticed her for a time. Without her teachings, who knows if Reilya would've learned to tame the fire within her.

Do they have a go-to story in conversation? Or a joke?  Her usual pick up line is, "You know, I once saved an entire village from two dragons at once... with my bare hands..."  ...It's success rate is pretty hit or miss. Though she does get a lot of impressed looks when she tells them she literally screamed them to death.

Could they be considered lazy?  Not really. She’s pretty athletic. 

How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt?  No matter how hard she pretends she's not bothered by anything, she's actually pretty haunted by the people she's killed. She has a really carefree attitude most of the time, but it's all a cover up to hide the pure disgust she has with herself.  

How do they treat the things their friends come to them excited about? Are they supportive?  She is happy for them. Like stupidly happy for them. She loves seeing people she cares about excited, and tries to get herself involved in whatever their excited about too. Whether it’s helping Vilja learn new instruments, picking herbs with Serana for her alchemy experiments, or attempting to learn how to whittle from Bishop (that failed miserably, by the way-- she just has no patience for the delicate hand it takes for wood carvings.)

Do they actively seek romance, or do they wait for it to fall into their lap? Normally she’s pretty active about it. Playing coy just isn't her style. Though if she really likes you, like, LIKES likes you, she can be a little more aloof the usual. She usually takes the cue from the other person. Like with Bishop, their romance was pretty hot, heavy, and full of passion right out of the gate. They had to really work on their baggage to make the relationship last beyond that, because they have way too much in common. Stubborn, "in the moment" people who would rather avoid the obvious out of pride for their (petty) ideals.   With Vilja it was one agonizing year of second guessing herself and longing glances. Did Vilja just think of Reilya as a close friend, or were those looks across the bar something more? Vilja is so earnest and kind, she lives her life boldly and doesn't hide. Not to mention she wanted to become a bard, more than anything else. She would compare herself to Vilja and talk herself out of saying anything at all. She didn't want to come in between Vilja and her dreams. Reilya's romance with Serana didn't burn to the touch, and wasn't like watching a plant slowly grow. It was just like.. slipping into a warm bath after a long day. Like that realization that just clicks into place one day, you're just like "This just feels right. Like how it's supposed to be." 

Do they have a system for remembering names, long lists of numbers, things that need to go in a certain order (like anagrams, putting things to melodies, etc)?  Good ol' fashioned word association. She likes to make up nicknames for people... they aren't always polite, and she usually has a the decorum to keep them to herself. 

What memory do they revisit the most often?  Besides the obvious-- her happiest memory that she can recall is from her childhood. The night Ferron and her snuck out to the forests one evening after a day of rain. Reilya wanted to try hunting a stag on her own, and when she told Ferron, he tried his best to discourage her. Reilya was a stubborn, willful child and wouldn't listen. "I'm going to do this whether you come or not. And if you tell Mom or Dad, I'll sneak sand into your oatmeal for a month!" He didn't doubt that she would do something like that, and he didn't want anything awful to befall his precious sister out in the forests alone, so he resigned to escort her under protest. So after supper, late into the evening they snuck out of the house through the servant channels with one of their father's most valued possessions: a bow that was handed down to the oldest son for several generations. Made from the wood of silver birch and with delicate, swooping carvings and inlaid with gold, it was tradition for the oldest child to receive such a prize after turning 15, a symbolic gesture to celebrate a coming of age. He thought nothing of taking such a priceless artifact, since it was only a few months until his 15th birthday, and he was practically considered a man anyway.   He taught her the basics of the bow that night. How to knock back and arrow, how to keep her hand steady, and most importantly: patience. "It's important to keep your breath steady and pay attention to your surroundings," Ferron explained in an authoritative tone, trying to sound wiser than his 14 years had granted him, "The biggest challenge in hunting is the wait. You must find the stillness within yourself, and to wait for the perfect moment to strike." The thought of hunting her own stag was enthralling to Reilya. She wanted so badly to impress her brother, and she had already envisioned the proud look on her Father's face when they would regale the heroic story. So she tried her best to follow his instruction. They waited, and waited, until she finally caught glimpse of her target a short distance away in a clearing down the hill, she jumped up from behind the bush and began to draw back an arrow, eager to make her move. Too focused on the stag and not enough on her own footing, she found herself tumbling down a hill and smacking face-first into a muddy puddle. She could hear Ferron worried voice, though not what he was saying, along with his footsteps as he attempted to follow after her. But the ground was still wet from the rain earlier that day, and somewhere along the way the earth became too slippery and he lost his balance as well, making a big splash when he hit the puddle. He fussed over her for a bit, but after realizing she was unharmed, they howled with laughter at the mess they made and completely forgot they were trying to hunt the stag, who had long since ran away from the scene.  On their way home they noticed that the bow had taken a nick on her way down, and when returning home their Father was not as amused as they were by the story of how Reilya and Ferron foolishly fell down a hill and damaged a priceless family heirloom in the middle of the night. But even now it's a memory that Reilya holds close to her heart.

How easy is it for them to ignore flaws in other people?  One of her favorite things to do is analyze people and situations. If she knows a person's weakness, it's that much easier to take charge of a situation if things go south. So I guess I would say, no, it's not easy to ignore them. She likes to file these little nifty factoids in her brain for future reference.

How sensitive are they to their own flaws? Pretty sensitive. She doesn’t really tolerate failure in herself and can be kind of a baby if you point them out.

How do they feel about children?  She thinks they’re cute... in small doses. Rei would NOT make a good babysitter at all-- she's barely sufficient at babysitting herself. 

How badly do they want to reach their end goal?  Her end goal, even if she doesn't want to say so, is to find a home. A place where she can live in peace, without always looking over her shoulder and questioning the people around her. She wants that pretty badly, even if she has a hard time admitting it to herself. 

If someone asked them to explain their sexuality, how would they do so? Probably just shrug and say, “yes” haha, I’m kidding.. mostly.  She's bisexual and polyamorous. For her the only real rules to romance and sexuality is that it has to be consensual and there's gotta be a connection. 

QUESTIONS FOR CREATORS

A) Why are you excited about this character? Because I’ve been working with her for many years through several different universes. I like her in the Elder Scrolls universe the best, though. I think it’s where she thrives.

B) What inspired you to create them?

She went through several transformations. She was meant to be my Lawful Good character at one point in time, which is pretty silly considering I now affectionately refer to her and Bishop as Murder Buddies. At some point in time I just realized I couldn't relate, and given her background she seemed much more a chaotic neutral character than a lawful good character. 

C) Did you have trouble figuring out where they fit in their own story?

Sometimes. Especially since I’ve changed her canonical universe so much. When I finally settled on putting her in the TES universe I was really hesitant to make her the Dragonborn. But I decided it fits really well. Being the Dragonborn actually explains her strange affinity for magic quite well, and I always found that it was a little strange that in game being the Dragonborn doesn't actually affect your abilities much aside from the shouting thing. I would imagine that having the soul of a dragon would grant a real boon to strength and/or magic, considering how powerful dragons are. 

D) Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?

She’s always had basically the same features– dusty/honey brown hair, straight bangs, Grey eyes. but I still play around with certain aspects like the length of her hair, if it’s naturally wavy or straight, if her eyes are more of a dark grey or a silver color, her body type, etc. but for the most part they have stayed the same. Relena Peacecraft from Gundam Wing was a huge influence on aesthetics/look of Reilya. Her style is so cool.. It's so professional, with feminine touches but never over the top and always practical. I loved that about her and really drew inspiration from that. 

E) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you?

She’s got a pretty good ability to get along with most folk so she’d probably be cool with me.Her overconfidence would be a little grating on me at first but I think after I got to know her we'd get along ok. (As long as she doesn't set my apt on fire..) 

F) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?

I feel excited whenever I get to talk about her with people :O she’s my baby.

G) What trait of theirs bothers you the most?

She’s can be manipulative when she wants to get her way.. and the fact that she avoids her problems instead of acknowledging her damage is something that I would have a hard time putting up with. 

H) What trait do you admire most?

Her tenacity. She's a steadfast friend and is really supportive of the people she cares about. 

I) Do you prefer to keep them in their canon universe?

Hahha, not really. She exists in many canons. She started off in NWN2, then I brought her over to other games and ended up in TES, which I guess is her canon universe now. I even made her in Dragon Age: Origins and Inquisition at one point! (She doesn’t fit well in that universe btw if you were curious lol.)

J) Did you have to manipulate or exclude canon factors to allow them to create their character?

Not too much. She’s still the Dragonborn and most of the canonical events in TES still take place in her story. I did have to rework some political type stuff in High Rock because the Rift family doesn’t actually exist anywhere in the universe.