#and like. i get that his class isn't about a feminist reading of art history. but having the male gaze be so fucking blatant
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maraslesbian · 1 year ago
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so i'm going to uni again for a year and i have art history classes for the first time and holy shit hannah gadsby wasn't lying when she said that the history of western art is just the history of men painting women like they're flesh vases for their dick flowers
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sonlagrasrees · 2 years ago
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FUCK FUCK FUCK
You know in life when you gotta actually do things? Like, DO do things. You know, plan for college and what you wanna do after that.
I've been meaning to write this stuff for some nights now because I will be terribly FUCKED UP if I don't figure myself out soon.
A friend has been bugging me about her college plans and I envy her for that because why does she have to get it all figured out right away WHILE I'm still here married to my phone, rotting on my bed. Slacking all summer isn't really the best thing to do for a teenager like me, I guess. Maybe I should have worked out, perhaps tried to develop my body so I'd be more muscular or whatever. Or maybe I should have reviewed for incoming college entrance exams and looked for options. I DON'T KNOW, SOMETHING ACTUALLY PRODUCTIVE. That bullshit "you don't have to be productive---" Facebook quotes really fucked my soul. I don't know man, I guess I let everything slip because I'm too stubborn to plan for my future. Why? Because the future terrifies me. Anyway, I think I'm just angry at everything right now because I really have no idea what I want. AND I DON'T KNOW WHY!!!!! It's ironic actually because I hate my current situation. I hate living in this town, in this house, with these people. I NEED to get away from them. I need to pass the UPCAT (I heard there's a high possibility of UP conducting entrance exams again this year) because I desperately want to be AWAY.
Oh my god, okay, I think I just canceled whatever I said in the first sentences of this essay. I know what I want! I want to leave this place. I want to study at UP. I know, I know. It's ambitious. I mean for someone who barely remembers his science lessons and is horrible with numbers, my chances of flunking the CETs are as big as the sun. So maybe I should check some materials online. Maybe I should stop being so lazy and stubborn and get my shit together or I'll end up being a random, weird, and creepy dude who spends his day on his bed scrolling and saying shitty stuff on Twitter.
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So the goal is to get to UP. That's not so hard, I just have to review the basic foundations of science, math, and grammar. SHIT.
Now the scenario still looks bleak because I don't know what college degree I should take, given that I don't have a thing. You know, A THING. Some people are really good at debating, some are terrific writers and readers, and some have really good hands in drawing, painting, and all that artsy stuff. Me? A jack of all trades is a master of none. I swear my English teacher once uttered that in one of her classes but I don't have the energy to search which dead poet said that or whoever she told us said that quote. It's also an incomplete quote that I'm sure I'm using outside its supposed context. My point is that I'm not so confident with my writing skills or art styles. I don't think pursuing a passion that is based on them is worth the risk. Discovering what you like is really difficult since the risk of that shit not liking you back is a deal-breaker. But I guess I will just have to work with what I have-LOVE FOR HUMANITIES. Sure, I'm not a bookworm or some feminist who's in love with Jane Austen, but I do enjoy reading ( just not for a long period of time). I also like to write and discover information about current events and history. And that's a big BIG thing-if ever I decide to be a journalist or a teacher or something related- since I am not a risk-taker. AT ALL. Why the fuck would you eat a random berry when you're stuck on an island? That shit could literally be poison, go fetch some coconut! See! that's how I think, I'd rather be hungry and feed on ants than die from my own ignorance. I NEED TO KNOW THINGS!!!------ SHIT WHERE IS THIS GOING????
aLL IM TRYNA SAY IS. I. NEED. HELP. and I know no one's ever gonna read this except myself (or if I send this to my crush who I think I am obsessed with so I better not send it to them because that will just release me into my insanity and eventually break my heart because they don't like me back for some reason that they refuse to disclose to me because they basically ghosted me and I stopped messaging them because when people don't text you back that usually means they're not into you so you gotta back off and I'm really really super frustrated at how my life is going right now so I don't need myself adding more fuel to the flame or smoke or something aaaaaa). SO THE BEST PERSON SO TURN TO is not some weird sky daddy BUT MYSELF. I need to pull my shit together and focus on my goal number 1-GET INTO the UNIVERSITY OF THE PHILIPPINES ( I do not want to discuss to myself why I want to study at that specific university or campus). I need to study for college entrance tests and fuck-take care of my skin and body more.
Man, I really wish I was more motivated and inspired and in love.
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