#and like i still haven't but i'm considering. i'm way less stressed about being addicted to alcohol than i am about

[pagesofkenna]

ok, just to talk about this because I want to talk about this: I don't smoke cigarettes and have never used recreational drugs and part of that is religious upbringing and part of that is elementary school 'drugs are bad!' stuff

but also a huge part of that is knowing how obsessive and addicted I can be about things, combined with the sheer amount of thinking about smoking/craving smokes I've gone through, despite literally never having smoked in my life

like. I dream about smoking from time to time. not every week or even every month but when it first happened when I was a teen I thought it was so weird and now I don't think it's weird anymore. no one in my immediate family smokes. my mom's mom smoked but I only ever saw her a few times a year, and she was generally good about trying to smoke away from the grandkids

growing up I was always very adamant that I didn't mind the smell of cigarettes but then about 5 years ago I got pneumonia and even smelling smoke would get me into a coughing fit, for over a year, and I was like 'nope, nvm, hate cigarettes, hate people smoking near me without my permission' except in the last year or so I've definitely been thinking about smoking again a lot more?

and I don't know that if I just tried smoking, once, that it would be enough to get me actually craving it, but considering how much I already kinda crave it even without touching it?? that kinda worries me actually! I don't wanna tempt it any further!