#and just idk. disillusioned with the concept of 'healing' which feels so sisyphean the longer i keep at it | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

biblicalhorror · 10 months ago

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Every time I get to a place where I'm like "maybe I don't have cptsd maybe I'm just a fundamentally evil ungrateful person" I go to read posts on here made by other people with cptsd and its like someone has transcribed my inner monologue with perfect clarity and I'm like oh yeah guess what I am describing is what's known as a symptom

#cptsd stuff #feeling extremely unstable lately and i cannot figure out why #and just idk. disillusioned with the concept of 'healing' which feels so sisyphean the longer i keep at it #just read a stat that people with cptsd require 10 years of therapy ON AVERAGE #and like i started therapy i think 8 years ago but ive been in it on and off in that time #altogether probably about 3.5 years in therapy #and technically for the first 4 years i was seeing a psychiatrist and not a therapist so like i dont even know if that would count #especially since at that time i was being treated for bipolar so like it wasnt even the right kind of therapy #like. do i have another 8 years of therapy in my future #its so endless #i just want to be able to exist and not be constantly managing the zillion little factors in life that could set me off at any time #and im also aware that the contempt i hold for my traumatized self is a big part of the issue #but i feel like i can only hold so much space before it starts to feel like my brain is actively sabotaging any progress i make

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