#and its so tiring. i can't keep up with ny good words n i can't even follow my own advice

[naes-dairy]

I guess the root of my problem is that I feel really out of place everywhere.

[getitinbusan]

Jungkook friends to lovers, angst and smut. Inspired by Lana Del Rey's California. Please leave feedback if you'd like more.

It was a rare rainy August day in California, the heavy drops creating a melody on the window as you put the dishes away. You were tired, lonely and the feeling you had in your gut kept nagging at you, maybe it was time to give up. Well into the second month of not making rent, it was only a matter of time before your roommates would stop exchanging house cleaning duties for money. Standing in the kitchen feeling stupid, It had taken way longer than it should have to come to the realization that in LA you were nothing, not pretty enough, rich enough, skinny enough or talented enough. 

Gathering up the mail that was strewn across the countertop, you shuffled through to sort priority. Junk mail, bills, personal… one standing out in particular. The penmanship was nice, black ink, unassuming envelope, but it was the stamp that caught your attention, it was sent from Korea. The top had already been torn, the letter having been read, was cradled back safely inside. Addressed to your roommate a frown crept onto your face, why wouldn't he write you? It was a ridiculously  hopeful notion but you widened the envelope and inhaled trying to find his fragrance, something to trigger a happy memory. How many times had you borrowed his sweater just to have his smell on your skin? Cool California nights were the best excuse to wrap yourself in his scent. You missed him, it had been a year and a half since he'd last come around.

It was too tempting to resist, your fingers pinched the paper inside of the envelope and pulled it free. 

"I'm feeling low, I don't know who I am, only who I'm supposed to be. What would life be like if I had stayed in California? We could all be roomates, hanging out and having fun, going to the beach on weekends. Does she even think about me? It sounds greedy that with how much I have right now, it's not enough, I would give anything to wake up everyday in bed beside her. I want more than anything to be able to talk to her about these things but I can't, I made the mistake of trading her for fame and now I'm destined to keep her at an arm's length so she'll never know the price I paid. How does she even see me now?  Just an Idol? Has she forgotten the days we spent together? I've been wrestling with myself, whoever that is. I wish I could be the teenage boy from that long ago summer again. I wrote this song thinking about it…"

~When I see you smile in the screen

You're good at everything

You're just perfect

Feels like I've never been you

Do you even see me?

Do you know who I am?

Or how do I look now?

You don't like me like that

I want to be your decalcomania~

"I'm afraid I may not get back for a while,  please write. Your friendship and thoughts of Y/N are the only things that are keeping me tethered to some semblance of reality."

JK

Clutching the letter to your chest your mind took you back to that day. "Decalcomania, the art or process of transferring pictures and designs. Making a copy of the original on a different medium"  You'd both laughed at the strange name, reading the description of the art on the museum wall during your visit so long ago.  

California had lured you into its promise when you'd just turned 14. Having been accepted to The Movement Lifestyle Studios intensive dance program in LA you left all your friends for the summer. You were going to be discovered! It was July and it was hot, the dancers stepping off the bus one at a time to take their places in the studio. Looking around there were so many older kids, you were probably one of the youngest. They called out names and put you into groups, it appeared to be by age and you made your way to the tiny gathering of four. Shy introductions were made as one more member was ushered over to where you had congregated, "This is Jungkook." He had the cutest smile and barely spoke english but his eyes twinkled like the constellations.

Immediately drawn to each other you became fast friends. Absolutely exhausted at the end of the first few days he'd knocked at your door. He was homesick and lonely, used to being surrounded by his six members and he couldn't sleep well without someone beside him. You let him crawl into bed with you, you were 14 and it was innocent.  Inseparable, days were spent side by side and the others referred to you as the twins. It was the best summer of your life. Promising through tears to keep in touch and stay friends you went your separate ways. 

Jungkook would send silly videos of his practice sessions, goofing around with the other members.  He'd facetime and text but he always loved to send handwritten letters. They lived in a box under your bed and contained stories of how hard he was working to become an idol. He always signed off with an I miss you and a few lines of lyrics he'd written. You didn't know then how important they would become, the only tangible piece of him you could still hold on to.  

Whenever he came back to America you did everything you could to see him. You went to the small tour stops when they came through in 2015, KCon in 2016, but 2017 was different. Facetiming you with the news that they were bringing the Wings tour to NY, Chicago and Anaheim, he asked if you'd be part of the dance crew. How could you turn down two weeks with Jungkook? They were getting bigger, more popular and their lives were changing. 

Jungkook would sneak you into his hotel room so you could spend the nights catching up. He had rules, the fans came first and girls were 

not allowed. Even though it was just friendship it could be easily misconstrued, everything had to be done in secret. The boys would bring in food and cover for him while you both stayed locked away out of sight. While you were happy to be with him, you could tell there was an underlying sadness he was holding on to. "I wish I could go and explore the city with you, like we used to," his voice trailed off. You were laying in each other's arms cuddling on his bed.  Leaning over he kissed the top of your head, "All I wanted was to take you on a proper date. I've been waiting so long to become someone, to become a man worthy of your affection. Now I'm stuck, I have everything and I'm not allowed to share it with you." His arms gripped you tighter, "I'm sorry, this is a terrible confession. I don't expect you to love me back, not under these circumstances, I just need you to know, you're the only girl I've ever loved and there won't be anybody else, ever." 

You remembered every word of his confession,  every moment of that last night in the hotel room. The words of a 19 year old boy whose life had become bigger than the feelings of two people. He left in the morning without knowing, too afraid to tell him, you loved him too.  

LA became home right after the tour left Anaheim. Focused on dancing, if you became good enough maybe you could tour with him. A letter with a big bouquet of flowers arrived a few weeks later.  

"Congratulations on your new house in LA! I hope that all of you are getting along as roommates, it's hard living with others sometimes. Last night I dreamt that I was there with you and all our friends, we were having a party on the beach and we sat together and watched the sunset. Remember after practice we would skateboard as fast as we could to the ocean so we wouldn't miss the colors? Maybe one day my toes can feel the sand there again. I miss you, I miss me… the me I am when I get to be with you. We are coming back in November for a few days and I'm hoping I can see you, I'm lonely already.   

Jungkookie

~Won't you please stay in dreams

I can hear the sea from far away

Across the dream, over the bush

Go there where it becomes clear

Take my hands now

You are the cause of my euphoria

When I'm with you, I'm in utopia~

When The AMAs came, all of your friends in LA were involved with the awards production. Your roommates helped organize the coup to steal Jungkook away so you could take him on a real date. Having enlisted Namjoon to help, the boys would cover for his whereabouts. The day before the awards they were only scheduled for styling, as long as he wasn't late for the press rounds the next afternoon your plan could work. It was Namjoon's job to get Jungkook out of the building. Telling him to follow his lead, Joon convinced the managers that Kook must have eaten something bad for lunch and wasn't feeling well, he was whisked away to meet you at the hotels back receiving door. Sitting in the shiny red rented convertible you tossed him a pair of sunglasses, what you wouldn't give now to see that smile again. Barely giving him time to get in you'd sped away heading straight for In And Out Burger. "Jungkookie, I hope your ready for the best day of your life! We're going to eat until we explode, drink and party at the beach and then instead of returning you to your 5 star fancy hotel you're staying the night in my crappy little house with a tiny uncomfortable bed!!" He laughed, so pure and happy, thinking about it now made you sad. Was that the last time he got to be his true self, Jeong-guk the man not Jungkook the personna? 

Knowing you only had one day to give him everything, one day to show him you loved him, you tried to make the best of it. Picking up the food Jungkook held onto the red and white bags in the passenger seat, sneaking his hand in to steal fries when he thought you weren't looking. If you weren't sure you were in love with him before you you certainly were now.

Pulling up beside the tree on the beach he was stunned, "Ahhh Jagi, I can't believe you brought me here." Happy that it meant as much to him as it did to you, you both sat on the branch and ate. Two blocks from the old studio it used to be your escape, every break you'd make your way to the tree for a time alone, together. 

With the burgers done he turned to you and smiled,  it felt like he wanted to say something, cutting him short you pulled him up and back towards the car. Making your way to the Movement studio the students were starstruck when he walked in. After insisting that he teach some choreography, he reluctantly led the class. Your eyes were glued to him as he moved in front of the mirrors, no longer that awkward teenager but a full grown man mesmerizing you with every move. You were careless, It didn't take long for the photos to hit social media. Getting back to the car he stopped you before you reached for the handle. Putting his arms around you he pulled you in close, "You stink Jungkook, I think our next stop is the ocean" You remember pulling away, how stupid you were, you should have held on to him longer. Reaching into the back seat you revealed a pair of swim shorts and a towel. He looked disappointed that you kept interrupting his attempts at intimacy, but you had a plan and limited time to execute it. 

The Ocean was perfect, and the wind was warm, he came out of the change room with the shorts on but was still wearing his shirt. "Kookie, this isn't Korea, you don't have to be so modest here AND you may not believe it but when your skin is sunkissed… you look like a god." He raised his eyebrows and quickly removed the shirt at your request. Running into the water you splashed and played and he took great pleasure in picking you up and throwing you as far as he could. The sun was getting ready to set and you wanted to dry off before the cooler air set in. Leading him out of the water you both laid down on the towel. He put his arm around you under your neck and you cuddled into his side. "My god Jungkookie,  look at your abs!" He blushed like crazy as you traced the muscles on his stomach. "Stop, it tickles." he giggled. But you didn't, you kept tickling him until he held you so tight you couldn't move. He had you pinned and flipping you on your back he shook his wet hair flinging water droplets all over you. Pleased with himself he leaned in closer to you, his eyes asking for permission to kiss you. As the gap between you got narrower you could hear his name being shouted and footsteps running closer. He flopped onto his back and sighed as your roommates and friends piled on top of him. Eating, drinking and catching up with everyone you watched each other from across the bonfire. Moving from person to person he slowly made his way back to your side. "Welcome back, Kookie," running your hand through the back of his hair it was now or never.  Pulling him closer your lips finally met in the way they were destined, soft, slow and full of love. His hands instinctively moved to cup your face as the world stopped around you. "I love you," you whispered, nose to nose he smiled and it was the most beautiful thing you'd ever seen. It didn't last long, his phone started going off incessantly. The managers knew, the photos and videos from the studio had been discovered online. "I'm so sorry Kook, I didn't mean for you to get in trouble." His eyes turned hungry as he grabbed your hand. "Let's get out of here, you promised I wouldn't be going back to my hotel tonight." If he was going to get in trouble anyway, why stop now?  

The drive back to your place was quiet,  adrenaline and hormones flowing like electricity through you both. The time for smiling was over as the seriousness of the situation hung in the air. It wasn't just being in trouble or being caught, but the fact that you both knew what was going to happen when you stepped into your bedroom. One act that would change everything between you, holding the power to change the dynamic of your relationship forever. Leading him to your room you closed the door and stood staring at him as he sat on your bed. He raked his fingers through his hair before he spoke, "I've never wanted anything more in my life than to be able to make love to you. BUT I also know that when I leave I'm not going to get to see you again for a very long time. Management is going to do everything to keep us apart and that won't be fair to you. I think that maybe we should just let our happy memories of today be enough, I don't want you to get hurt." 

Walking closer you stood between his legs and he wrapped his arms around your waist. "The only way I can be hurt is if I never get to experience all of you. I can't live not knowing how it feels to be totally yours if only for the night." He rested his head against your chest, "You'll always be mine," his hands traveled to the hem of you shirt and his fingers ran over the soft skin of your stomach. Undoing the button of your jeans he slowly slid them down your legs and you stepped out of them.  Standing up he lifted the thin fabric of your shirt over your head and you stood before him waiting as he took his off too. Unclasping your bra he sighed as he looked at you taking in your shape, his fingertips hovering over your hard nipples. "I've never done this before," he confessed. "Me either," you whispered, "So, I guess the bars pretty low." His giggles cut the tension before he pulled you on top of him onto the bed. More relaxed he let his mouth start exploring your body. You were goosebumps and shivers beneath him as his tongue found it's home between your legs. He was soft and careful placing his lips over over your clit,  sucking it in delicately until your moans couldn't be contained any longer. You could feel his eyes burning into you as he watched in awe as his finger slide inside you. "It's good Kookie, please…i can take more." He sighed as his mouth picked up speed and another finger slid in slowly. Moving your hips to meet his mouth you were unravelling quickly, "The way you taste is better than anything I had imagined." Circling your clit between his words you came hard on his tongue. "I made you so wet," he said, impressed with himself. "I need to feel myself inside you." Moving up to where your head lay on the pillow he pushed your damp hair off you face, "are you ok? do you need anything?" he placed his forehead against yours. "Just you Kookie, I love you so much, please… I want you so badly." Moving slowly he lined himself up with your wet entrance. "Tell me if you need me to stop okay?" He pushed slowly and you could feel yourself stretching around him. He watched your face and froze when he saw the tear roll out of the corner of your eye. "I'm so sorry, let's stop, I didn't mean to hurt you." He thumbed away the tear, "No, baby… I'm okay… I'm just so happy, so overwhelmed with how much I'm feeling right now" he smiled down at you, pressing his body closer as he gave another push until he was fully inside you. Your bodies fell into a beautifully choreographed rhythm until Jungkook was so lost in pleasure he began to move at his own pace. Quicker and deeper he moved until he finally spilled into the condom. 

You kissed, and kissed, and kissed until you fell asleep wrapped around each other. Every few hours he'd wake you up, checking to make sure it wasn't a dream, making love each time,  harder and faster. It was 9 am when he caressed you awake once more. "I have to leave soon, I don't want to," he spoke nestled into your neck just under your ear, "Please tell me to stay." Your heart broke at his words, "If I ask you to stay, I'm selfish, you'll always wonder if you made the right decision. If I tell you to go, your dreams come true… " your voice trailed off,  "and I'll always wonder if I made the right decision," he finished. 

Your phone started ringing and you knew time was up. It was Joon, "I'm outside, sorry, I held them off as long as I could. I told them I'd come get him so you could at least have time to say goodbye." Your tears fell out in heavy ugly sobs, "Okay, five minutes… and Joon… thanks, I know you're probably in trouble too." Hanging up you turned back, Jungkook was already out of bed with his clothes thrown on. He stood with open arms waiting, 

 "Thank you for yesterday." Laying your head against his chest you took a moment to listen to his heartbeat. You could hear him sniffle, and knew he was crying. You flashed back remembering that night long ago when he came to you homesick, holding you so he could sleep while he tried to hide his tears. There was a knock at the door and

Namjoon's voice broke through the moment "We've got to go Jungkook." Stepping away you'd left his shirt soaked in tears, handing him his sweater he pushed it back towards you, "keep it." He kissed you one last time and turned the handle opening it to reveal Namjoon. His Hyung put his arm around his shoulder and led him to the car.

Turning one more time he eyes were filled with tears and he gave a small wave before getting in the back of the big black sedan. 

For months you pretended that management was the only thing keeping you apart. You held onto your silly notions until May, they were coming for the Billboard awards. For weeks leading up to them you waited for a message, a secret meeting arrangement, but you got nothing. His image was all over the TV and his voice echoed through you empty heart and then he was gone again. 

Now, here you stood in your kitchen, his letter bringing him to the forefront of your mind,  opening old wounds. He was just as sad as you but what could you do? Picking up a pen you began writing… 

I shouldn't have done it but I read it in your letter

You said to a friend that you wish you were doing better

I wanted to reach out but I never said a thing

You don't ever have to be stronger than you really are

And honey, you don't ever have to act cooler than you think you should

You're brighter than the brightest stars

You're scared to win, scared to lose

I've heard the war was over if you really choose

The one in and around you

You hate the heat, you got the blues

You're changing like the weather, oh, that's so like you

I'll pick you up

I'll catch you on the flipside

If you come back to California

We'll do whatever you want, travel wherever, how far

We'll hit up all the old places

We'll have a party, we can dance till dawn… 

October came and a chill was in the air, the smell of winter hit your nose and you stopped to take it in. Bundled in Jungkook's hoodie you threw your bag over your shoulder and began your walk to work. Movement had hired you on for a new intensive program and today you were going to meet your students. So many memories flooded your mind as you made your way through the familiar neighborhood. It still hurt but things were beginning to feel happy again. Writing the letter had given you closure, he knew how you felt and beyond that there was nothing else you could do. Opening the heavy door to the studio you caught a familiar reflection moving in the mirror writing something on the glass, It couldn't be? Hearing the door click back into place he turned to face you, "Hi." he walked towards you slowly, unsure of what your reaction would be, he approached with caution. "Hi," you were breathless, in the months of not seeing him he'd grown more handsome. "I can't change what happened… and for the rest of my life I'll be sorry for all of the time we missed." He was getting closer,  "But I can't take another day not knowing if I can fix this… somehow…" he reached for your hand. Pulling it back away his head fell in disappointment, "Jungkook, I can't listen to this… look at me," reaching for his chin you pulled his head up until he was facing you again. "I refuse to listen to you apologize for something that was out of your control. Your life was decided before you met me and I can only be grateful that I got to appear in some part of your story" he tilted his head and pressed a small kiss into the hand that was still holding his chin. "God I've missed you" he said as he wrapped his arms tightly around your waist. "How long are you here? I've got to teach class.. It's my first day but I'd love it if we could catch up?" He laughed at you and your knees buckled at the sound of his happiness. Taking his chance he pressed his lips to yours and you could feel the smile forming on his face. "I'm your private lesson Jagi, I've booked you for the next two weeks" Taking a step back you had to ask, "How Jungkook? What will you be giving up?" Pulling you back to his embrace he began to dance with you, "There is no more giving up… on anything. Our contracts were over and I only had one thing I wouldn't negotiate on…that's you." 

Holding you tightly he moved you to look at the mirror,  'I wrote you something"

The only thing I can do

In the garden

In this world

Is to bloom a pretty flower that resembles you

And to breathe as the me that you know

But I still want you

I still want you

"Y/N I promise I'll never let you go again"