#and its because i wasnt constantly starving and we didnt have stress about luggage or where we're staying
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#negative cw#i am feeling. very not good#every day we go to restaurants where there's nothing on the menu i can eat bc all ive been able to manage lately is soup#or sometimes mash potato and gravy but like. its gotta be a Good day and i have not had good days in a While#so i just sit and have nothing while they eat then down an entire block of white chocolate as soon as we get home bc its my comfort food#and like. i dont mind not eating at a restaurant or whatever im cool to chill and chat while someone eats it doesnt bother me#its just when theyre doing it every day and getting annoyed when I say i dont want anything as if they don't already know#mixed w the fact that my sister has been constantly unbearable its just been Rough#esp since we share a room#and we've been having issues w our accommodation in new york but i think hopefully it'll be sorted#im just exhausted and stressed all the time and there's no end in sight#and this trip has just made me aware of how much i do not feel loved by the people who should make me feel loved#like i love my mom and she does her best and she does make me feel better but sometimes shes a part of the problem#and i have support at home my roommates are so good for me but. theyre not here#and i feel shit every time i tell my roommate how i feel bc this is a once in a lifetime trip that she may never have a chance to take#and it makes me feel so guilty and selfish to not enjoy this but its so hard to enjoy#that one week where we were on the boat and i could have multiple soups a day was the only time i was happy#and its because i wasnt constantly starving and we didnt have stress about luggage or where we're staying#but ever since its just been constant stress and anxiety and hunger#and like. theres nothing i can really do ab any of it bc seeking out something i need means they dont get to do something they want#and i cant take what my sister wants away from her bc she'll throw a fit#mum says the usa will be ab me more but i know it wont be. i know exactly how it'll work#i will not have a chance to rest and be happy until im home and even then i have to find a job as soon as im back#bc i have bills and rent and i only budgetted enough for a month after i get back and that's with barely any groceries#and i get the feeling my roommates mad at me or upset ab something but i don't know how to approach it bc im on the other side of the world#and idk i feel like its me i feel like i did something wront#im just tired and sad and hungry all the time#but that's just. kinda my life innit#i just wish. people weren't upset with me all the time. i try so hard not to upset people but nothing i do ever seems good enough#i just want to be good enough. but i know im not.
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