#and it's not least favorite for me. just lowest ranking. there are some lyrics in it that are top tier

[patrickztump]

i apologize in advance for what you're about to endure.

we did favorite song last year and the votes were distributed fairly evenly, and i'm curious as to if this poll will reflect numbers that are opposite of that one's results (ie. the winner there is last here).

so lets find out from the other side:

please do reblog this for more exposure, results will be better if we can get approximately the same number of votes (2000+). thank you <3

i will take zero save rock and roll slander on this post ! this is for scientific research only

EDIT: least favorite / lowest ranking ≠ most hated / disliked song, unless you want it to. i feel like that possible mix up is the reason so many are not voting. this is simply asking if you were to list the songs in order of favoritism, which would be last.

[ltwharfy]

"Bob's Burgers" Season 13 Episode Ranking Rewatch (Long Post)

So, I've been rewatching "Bob's Burgers" from the beginning and ranking the episodes using the spreadsheet that @babsvibes created! If you want to know why I'm doing this or how I view the 1-5 rating scale, you can check out my Season 1 post! If you want to check out any of the other seasons, I've been using the "bob's burgers episode ranking rewatch" tag for all of them.

Now on to Season 13:

Average (Mean) Score: 4.14

Mode (Most Common) Ranking: 5

Ranking Breakdown: 9 5s 8 4s 4 3s 1 2

Season as a whole thoughts:

This is the third lowest rated season (above only seasons 11 and 1) but please don't think that I dislike it. It's not my favorite, but I think it may be one of the most fascinating seasons of the show. (As I've oft said, I wish the show got real DVD releases with commentaries and special features after season 1. And I would especially love to hear more about about the making of Season 13!)

So, my first major observation about Season 13, which I made when it was airing but the rewatch confirmed to me is that I found it inconsistent, but in a very specific way. I'm a baseball fan, and "Bob's Burgers" season 13 reminded me of a great pitcher at the end of their career. Their fastball isn't as fast as it once was, and sometimes they seem completely out of gas. And then other times they experiment with new pitches or change their arm angle or windup and the results are amazing...but in a totally different way then they used to be. To translate the analogy back to what I'm actually talking about: "Crab-soultely Fabulous" was followed by "Radio No You Didn't". That gave me a little whiplash.

The other fascinating thing about Season 13, which I noticed more in the rewatch, is that it seems to hit the same recurring themes more often then other seasons, to the point where it seems intentional. While I would argue that the kids growing up has been an occasional theme of the show for a long time, they really seemed to hit it this season, and specifically in a way that's a bit more melancholy. There are a number of episodes about disappointment, embarrassment, making mistakes, sticking with things that are difficult, and some of the other less fun aspects of maturity. Sticking with the last paragraph, sometimes these episodes landed with me ("These Boots Are made for Stalking") and sometimes they didn't ("Ready Player Gene"). But going back to my DVD commentary comment, I'd love to know more about how conscious a choice this was, and, if it was a conscious one, why it was made.

Some thoughts on specific episodes (and feel free to ask if you want my thoughts on an episode I didn't comment on):

"To Bob or Not to Bob": Goofy fake plays and ghosts saying "Avenge me!" in a spoooky voice are both things that are pretty much always funny, so this episode amused me a lot. But I really love the way the "restaurant expansion" subplot ended- with Bob just realizing "nah, I don't really want to do that." I founded it pleasantly unexpected from a storytelling perspective, and also saw it as a bit of a critique of modern America's ultra capitalist "hustle" culture- like, no, expanding your business won't actually make you happier. (I may be reaching here.)

"What About Job?": If you asked me, "what's the 'Bob's Burgers' line that's in your head the most?" my answer might surprise you, because it's not a joke or a clever song lyric. It's Bob's line in his story in this episode: "just because you stop growing doesn't mean you stop growing". I'm a middle aged person whose contemplating a career change and has been working on personal growth in a number of ways in recent years, and this line- and the notion that Bob is telling it to his adolescent/pre-adolescent children-just fills my heart because it so different from the message I got growing up middle class in the USA ("you better have everything figured out by the time you graduate college!") This is one of at least two Molyneux sisters-penned episodes that means a ridiculous amount to me personally. (I'll share my writer ratings when I finish this project, but they are at the top of the list.)

"Show Mama From the Grave": I really loved learning a little more about Lily, her death, and Bob's relationship with it (ie- not going to her grave in decades.) It's not the funniest episode (although it has its moments- especially with Linda's cemetery fear), but it makes up for that in family lore and sweetness. Bob's little smile when watching the kids "boob" in the cemetery, and Linda's conversation with Lily are both such beautiful moments.

"The Plight Before Christmas": I'm a sap, but I love the Louise storyline and her poem, as well as Gene and his classmates affection for Ms. Merkin. And I really enjoyed some of the humor with Bob trying to get to the library and his encounters with the taxi driver and the dog owner. That said, I tend to prefer holiday episodes that are just a bit more jaded, so I would never vote for this as my favorite Christmas episode since there is one that talks about frickin' murder mannequins!

"Stop! Or My Mom Will Sleuth!": Man, I wish I enjoyed this episode more. Because it has three Roudise bits that I love: 1. the "attaboy, Rudes!" moment in the kickball game, 2. Rudy saying Louise is "complicated" when talking to Linda; 3. The notion of the Rudyville locker. But, I just find this episode kind of dull, and it specifically bugs me because some of the characters and their relationships seem a bit off. Why does Rudy tell Linda about the Rudyville locker? And why doesn't he know Louise isn't using it any more? And why does Mr. Frond falsely accuse Louise after there is a whole episode where he learns about how bad it feels to be falsely accused? And why do Linda and the other Belcher ever suspect Louise would steal a toy from a random kid in her class- that honestly doesn't seem like Louise behavior even in the earlier seasons (stealing from a bully or an adult or a multinational corporation? Sure! But just taking a toy from a rando, really?) Honestly, the best answers to these questions are "Doylist" ones: different writers write the characters differently in different episodes. But, I always find those explanations a bit unsatisfying, especially when they are in service of such a meh episode.

"These Boots Are Made for Stalking": Tina's plot in this episode is just so beautifully done and relatable- Tina reminds me so much of my sister here! I hope the "cool teens" reappear in the future. And I love that this beautiful, emotional Tina story is contrasted with Gene and Louise at their goofiest! Gene and Louise is one of my favorite dynamics because in the show because sometimes they work together on stuff and other times they compete, but either way they do it in the most ridiculous way possible. Their storyline here reminds me of the jawbreaker storyline in "Dr. Yap" in a good way (that might be the first episode that made me realize how much I enjoyed their dynamic.)

"Crows Encounters of the Bird Kind": This is very much a low-key, slice of life episode, but I enjoy it a ton. The whole bit about Bob buying the birdwatching book but never opening it is so relatable for trying to get in to new hobbies as an adult with a job that always makes you tired. I enjoyed the return of Ranger Matthew Danko. I think crows are fascinating. The "dares" subplot has a number of laugh out loud moments for me. And the "Mr. Jones" parody closing credit song is perfect!

"Gift Card or Buy Trying": "The Belchers go to a new place and each have their own separate adventures" is one of favorite "Bob's Burgers" episode formats, and this is another enjoyable example of it. This episode helped inspire one of my fics (Linda's comment about making one of the kids' wedding dresses inspired my wedding fic) and also helped inspire my headcanon-and potential fic idea- of Louise being a labor union organizer when she grows up (she literally says "we're doing collective bargaining!" in this episode.) The Gene and Mitchell storyline is another example of the season exploring some of the more melancholy aspects of growing up.

"Radio No You Didn't": I love this episode so much! I especially loved that they played the flashback to the 40s so straight. Gertie and Alice feel like such real characters- I love that they cast guest actors to voice them and gave them unique designs rather than just making them thinly-disguised versions of the regulars. (Also, I've adored Cristin Miloti, who voices Alice, since she was on "How I Met Your Mother") And the way they did the occasional interjections to Bob's storytelling from the rest of the Belchers was perfect- especially Louise's annoyance at the other's interruptions. This is a really special episode, and one I can't imagine them pulling off earlier in the shows run.

"Mother Author Laser Pointer": Hey, look, I AM capable of giving a rating lower then a 3! This joins "Moody Foodie" in the small ranks of "Bob's Burgers" episodes I'd rather not rewatch. Yes, the flashbacks to Bob and Lin reading to the kids are adorable, as is the end credits song. But Linda telling that tow-truck driver to go away (and generally, all her interactions related to Bea) is beyond cringe comedy to me. It's just painful with no payoff. I really hope there are no more "the Belchers hold someone hostage" episodes in the future- I'll pretty much rewatch anything else.

"Amelia": Much like "Radio No You Don't" or Season 14's "The Amazing Rudy", this is another really special episode that I can't imagine the show pulling off much earlier in its run. Everything that went into Louise's presentation- the shadow puppets, the music, her speech- was done beautifully. And the end credits song brings tears to my eyes in the way that an end credits song from an animated sitcom has no rights doing.

I can't think of any Random Thoughts, so I'll just answer the question that's on everybody's mind (Ha!) is this the last one of these ridiculously long posts?! Afterall, Babs' spread sheet only went through the end of Season 13.

Fear not, hypothetical person who actually reads these posts! I have expanded the spreadsheet to Season 14 on my own. Because I am apparently addicted to rewatching "Bob's Burgers" episodes and then rating them in a spreadsheet.

As far as addictions go, I guess there are worse ones.

[myriadeyed]

Sites I've gotten way too much fun out as a person whose special interest is music:

Sort Your Music -- pick one of your Spotify playlists and rank the songs by a number of factors like popularity or BPM or happiness. I had a lot of fun with my main playlist seeing what the most obscure or lowest BPM etc. songs I have are.

Whisperify -- fun quiz game where you can pick one of your playlists (I play it with my Wrapped every year) and it'll play five seconds of a song which you then have to guess. Originally it was required to follow the creator on Twitter to use, don't know if it still is, but I just followed and then unfollowed and it let me use it permanently. Also I've since deleted my Twitter account and it doesn't care.

How Bad Is Your Spotify? -- AI that analyzes your listening stats and absolutely roasts you with some really funny and specific descriptions of your music taste. It always says your music is bad so don't be offended.

(↑ This is true)

Skiley -- really really fun Spotify-based... thing? It has a lot of cool stuff you can do with it that I haven't even tried all of yet. It shows you your listening stats like all those Spotify stat websites, but it also: 1. Shows what song you're currently listening to, its genre, album, release year, and you can look at other people's comments and the lyrics. 2. Lets you do a ton of playlist actions, like creating new ones filtered by genre/decade/etc., completely shuffle the order, remove songs you accidentally added twice, add every song in the playlist to your Liked, and other stuff. 3. Has a few music discovery features, like creating what's basically a second Discover Weekly, or finding songs with "similar audio properties" to your favorite songs.

Every Noise at Once/The Sounds of Spotify -- y'all, this website is AMAZING. For music nerds at least, or anyone else who needs their addiction fueled. I've spent hours here and through it added at least 350 songs to my library. The main page has what's basically a word cloud of music genres: every genre currently categorized by the Spotify metadata. This isn't just rock and pop. This is medieval rock and electropowerpop. They all link to individual genre pages with multiple playlists; a general one, an introduction to the genre, currently popular music, lesser known artists, and songs released last year. Each playlist also has a ton of links to playlists for similar and related genres -- for example, the vaporwave playlist also links to dreampunk and future funk. These aren't short 15-track playlists, by the way. The medieval rock one has 257 songs. And most are constantly updating. Just looking at the medieval rock playlist to see the song count I saw there was a song added an hour ago. This is literally my favorite website on the Internet.

As you can see by the scrollbars this is a very small section of the main page of this site.

[riddlerosehearts]

Ok, I need to know your fob album ranking and top 10 songs, GO!

oooh okay so i need to start by saying that i am heavily biased toward their older stuff because... i've listened to fall out boy since i was probably too young to listen to fall out boy AFGKJDF and their pre-hiatus albums essentially shaped my music taste and helped me get through a lot of difficult times in my life. so i'm really just generally more attached to them than the rest but i do like every single one of their albums at least a little because they all have songs i love. i also had to think about this a bit and am still not sure if it's a perfect ranking because i'm incredibly indecisive. but this is what i'm feeling right now! (also i apologize in advance for adding a bunch of commentary and rambling instead of just giving you the ranking LOL)

albums:

from under the cork tree - was the first FOB album i ever listened to so i'm biased but it's so fucking good. especially if you include the bonus tracks from it. there is not a single song on here that i don't love.

infinity on high - contains my favorite FOB song (okay maybe it's illogical that my #1 song is from my #2 album but listen... it's a very close #2), aesthetically has the coolest album cover, and it's just fantastic all around--again, especially if you include the bonus tracks.

take this to your grave - i feel like a lot of people hate TTTYG nowadays and i'll never understand why. it's a great album. it's classic pop punk and just pure fun.

folie a deux - literally never understood the hate this album got when it came out!! it's so good!! i remember listening to the whole thing the same day as it dropped and loving it and being so confused seeing how much people complained about it :(

so much (for) stardust - okay i actually love this album so much that #5 feels too low but if i switched it with folie then #5 would feel too low for folie so idk 😭😭 my favorite post-hiatus album BY FAR though. it's sooo good and it's also special to me because i literally never got to see fall out boy live until they toured for its release last year.

save rock and roll - has some misses for me, as do the albums i've ranked below it, but overall i like my favorite songs from SRAR more than i like my faves from the albums below, and it gets bonus points for how cool the youngblood chronicles is + the nostalgia i associate with FOB's return from their hiatus.

american beauty/american psycho - ABAP gets a lot of hate but i think it kind of rocks actually and putting it at #7 feels slightly wrong. it's really only this low because something has to be and because again, i like my favorite SRAR songs more than my favorite ABAP songs.

mania - i think a lot of people on here get mad if you put MANIA last so i'm sorry afksjgdsf. it honestly just has the lowest number of songs i really like and has several that i don't. though i will say that last of the real ones is a certified banger and i was so glad it had a permanent spot on the tourdust setlist.

songs:

hum hallelujah - my beloved 💙💙 when i saw FOB live they had a slot on the setlist where each night they'd either play bang the doldrums or hum hallelujah and i won't lie, i did feel disappointed for a second when doldrums started. i got over it because i love that song too but. hum hallelujah is one of my all time favorite songs.

i slept with someone in fall out boy and all i got was this stupid song written about me - my favorite song on FUTCT and another all time fave. i also think this is the funniest song title of all time btw.

XO

G.I.N.A.S.F.S. - so jealous of anyone who's gotten to see this played live as a magic 8-ball song :(

calm before the storm - this having a permanent spot on the tourdust setlist got me hyped like you wouldn't believe because they had last played it in 2007. underappreciated banger.

love from the other side - this was literally my top song of 2023 on my spotify wrapped. i made an angsty raeda gifset with lyrics from it not long after the single came out because it made me so insane.

sugar we're goin' down - might be a bit of a basic choice but it was the first FOB song i ever liked and it fucking slaps 💖 also when i saw them live i swear patrick changed the lyrics to "wishing to be the friction in his jeans" which is just. legendary and iconic of him.

disloyal order of water buffaloes

grand theft autumn/where is your boy - again, a basic choice, but sometimes things are popular for a reason!

the carpal tunnel of love

[mylittlemermaid221]

in celebration of the release week, rank songs from ttpd in terms of your excitement/curiosity about each one hehe 🤍

omg this is a good one!! Thank youuuuu 🥰🥰

So Long, London - its a tiny bit cliche maybe but London boy was one of my favs from lover so this one is going to tear me apart. I fear it might be like All too well but I also think she could just go full rock and anger and reputation

But daddy I love him - I mean in my head its a little mermaid reference, no doubt. Obviously no one knows how this song really goes so maybe its not a reference but in my head it is and alway will be. Like the film also came out in 1989, thats not a coincidence (sorry just went full clowning swiftie there 😅)

Fresh out of the slammer - Oh my god I need to know what kind of song this is going to be! Like is it anger or is it just so depressing I won't come outside for at least a week after the release? 😭

My boy only breaks his favorite toys - I have a feeling that the lyrics on this one are going to be devastating...😭 Like the whole album will but I have a feeling this will be peak Taylor story telling.✨

Who's afraid of little old me? - Oh again I have this dilemma like whats it gonna be?! how will it sound?! I think it will be slander and reputation and rock and stuff but again its Taylor, it might just be the most depressing thing you've ever heard. 😃

I can fix him (No really I can) - I don't know why but for some reason I'm going for the long titles. 😆😅 Anyway I just think the title is really funny and I need to know if and how she will sing those words.

loml - Another tricky one. I read theories that loml could not only stand for love of my life but maybe she'll end up changing it in loss of my life or something depressing. Maybe it will be about Travis and its just a happy love song! ❤️

Florida!!! - This is definitely going to be like the ultimate summer festival vibe banger, trust me, it will be that. If not, don't blame me. 😜

The tortured poets department - Another one where I don't know what to expect but the title makes me very excited! ✨ I mean its the title track so it must be something good.

I can do it with a broken heart - Again, I need to see the lyrics, I need to know the story she's going to tell.

The smallest man who ever lived - Omg actually I should've put this one higher but its just so many songs I'm excited for! This is another one that I'm like whats the story going to be? Will it be a country genre? Will it be like evermore/folklore? The title give us a little peak thats big enough for us to be like 'oh I know what this is about' but when you go think about it... you know nothing at all.

Guilty as sin? - Another tricky one... to be honest no idea what its going to be about, no predictions about the genre or style or something but the title sounds very promising. That's with all these songs really, the titles are its own poetry and we haven't even heard any of the lyrics. 😍🥰

Clara Bow - Another girl in the taylor universe! If its going to be anything like the last american dynasty, sign me up! I did research about Clara Bow (okay I lied, I saw an instagram real 😆) about it and her whole persona just makes me curious about this song.

Fortnight - From now on we have the song of which I have literally no idea what its going to sound like, whats it about. No thoughts in my head. 😅

Down Bad - The title sounds so cool but thats it. Furthermore I have no idea about this song.

The Alchemy - Maybe is the one lowest on the list the one I'm most curious of because I see this title and I just have zero thoughts how it will be. And I know it will definitely surprise me and end up being one of my faves, that always happens. 😂🥰

Bonus: Bonus Tracks

The black dog 🖤

The manuscript 🤍

The albatross 🩶

The bolter 🩶

I chose the black dog first cause that's the edition I preordered so it already has a special place in my heart 🖤 For the others I just went with the titles that sounded cool to me and like the aesthetics I picture in my head because I have no predictions furthermore, again. 😆😅

This was soooooo fun to do!!! It became quite the essay but I kind of made it my testament which I can refer back to once we hear the actual song. I mean if I got any of my predictions right, you'll know cause I won't shut up about it🙃 Thank you so much for your ask, Bel! 😍🥰 Always love seeing your name in my inbox 💖💖💖

[luminnara]

The Dismemberment Song | BOP Victor Zsasz x Reader | 18+

Fandom: Birds of Prey

Words: 3,791

Summary: Zsasz takes a liking to one of the burlesque dancers at Roman’s club.

PART ONE | PART TWO |

WARNINGS: graphic blood/gore/violence, reader may or may not torture and murder a guy, alcohol, all that good Gotham stuff, reader is kinda fucked up

Seriously, don’t read this if you don’t like blood

Based on The Dismemberment Song by Blue Kid! 

This is written as a kinda vague fem!reader, but if there’s interest I can always write alternate versions for different genders, more specific body/personality types, or whatever else might tickle your fancy! Just hit up my ask box!

Requests are open!! Pls, I really wanna write more Zsasz or Zsaszmask x reader, gimme ideas!

The Black Mask was a club that boasted only the best of the best. Top shelf booze, luxurious furnishings, and entertainers that Gotham’s other club owners wished they could get their hands on all came together to form the East End’s trendiest spot. You were lucky enough to be one of those very entertainers, and you had been performing onstage at Roman’s club ever since one of his goons saw you dancing at another spot across town. Roman Sionis had bought you easily, promising a good nightly wage and all the free drinks you could stomach, and a few years later, you were still enjoying the nice gig at the Black Mask. 

Most nights were the same; you showed up around seven, hung around in the dressing room with the others while you all got ready, and enjoyed a drink or two before your first number. You were always in the chorus, not that you really minded--Roman paid you more than enough to keep you happy, even though you knew the stars got more. Girls who did solo numbers, especially if they could sing, those were Mr. Sionis’s favorites. You never really expected to achieve that kind of status, not when people like Dinah Lance were around and holding his attention, so when Roman pulled you aside one night to tell you that he wanted to give you the chance to do your own routine, you nearly dropped your drink. 

“Full creative control,” he said, a hand resting at the small of your back as you gaped at him. 

“I--what?” you managed to choke out. “I-I mean, thank you, Mr. Sionis, really--”

“Please,” he chuckled. “Call me Roman.”

“Thank you, Roman,” you smiled, swallowing down your fear. “I won’t disappoint you, I swear.” 

“I know you won’t, doll.” he motioned for someone to bring him a drink. “Full creative control, like I said. I want to see what’s swirling around in that pretty mind of yours. Put some heart into it for me, k doll?”

You nodded. “You got it, boss.”

He grinned, hugging you to his side and pressing a kiss against your temple like he did with all the girls he liked. “Looking forward to it, beautiful.”

He let you go, turning to leave, and Zsasz slunk after him, but not before casting you an almost annoyed look. 

“Don’t disappoint,” he teased, whistling low before he followed his boss. 

You gulped. You were sure he wouldn’t mind peeling your face off, but you rather preferred staying alive.

“I won’t!” you called after him bravely. 

He glanced at you over his shoulder, his eyes practically boring into you as if were sizing you up. He thought you were just some prissy little girl, didn’t he? Just like Roman, just like everybody else. But you would show them. They wanted to see what kind of shit really ate at your brain? Oh, you’d give them a nice little glimpse.

And so, only a couple shorts weeks later, here you were, getting ready in the dressing room like usual, only you were far more nervous than you had been for any other shift. You had busted your ass getting everything ready, even taking a few nights off to work twice as hard on what you hoped would be a good debut. You had given the band their sheet music, you had learned your lyrics inside and out (because you were absolutely determined to go that extra mile for Roman Sionis and show him that not only could you prance around onstage, but you could sing, too), and you had spent hours upon hours hand-decorating an old corset and lingerie set you had sitting around. Roman wanted this to come from the heart, he wanted a passion project, and you were gonna give it to him. 

You just had to pray that he was in the right mood to enjoy it.

“Think you’re good to go, my love,” the house mom said as she finished with your hair. 

You stared at yourself in the mirror. So far, so good...your hair was in big barrel curls, still warm to the touch as your house mom gave it a couple more passes with the hairspray for good measure. 

“You sure I don’t need--”

“You’re gonna knock ‘em dead,” she interrupted, retreating to her usual chair. 

You kept staring at your reflection. “Do you think it’s too much? I mean...”

She laughed loudly. “Hon, this is Gotham. There’s no such thing as too much.”

Glancing down at your outfit, you weren’t so sure. “But...”

“But nothing. Now go on, go show Roman why he stays in business.”

You stood on shaky legs, nodding to her as you made your way towards the door. “R-right.”

“Break a leg,” she called after you. 

All you could do was nod. You knew what you were doing. You had practiced for hours every day to get ready for this. With a deep breath, you made your way down the hall leading to stage, shaking your hands out as you stood in the wings. You could do this. You were ready.

As soon as your stage name was announced, you stepped out, ruby encrusted heels clicking against the wooden floorboards. The lights were harsh, the crowd quiet as you came out to face them. The stage was set for you, a few props already waiting for you as you stood there, ready for the music to start.

Then, the band began playing, and you sprang into action.

“Hold still, my sweet. I’m tryin to measure the space between your molar and your jaw...” You sang, lunging forward to grab the medical-grade calipers sitting in a metal bucket for you. You trailed them down over your victim’s jaw, smiling as you did so. “...This caliper, no cause for fear. No it...it doesn’t hurt, it only helps me measure how much skin you have...”

Across the club, Zsasz looked up. He was standing near Roman, his boss sitting in a booth while he chatted with some business associates. He was far more interested in you than their conversation, his dark eyes tracking you as you moved across the stage. He was absolutely enthralled by your outfit, your tightly-laced corset covered in blood red rhinestones that glimmered under the stage lights, your matching bra and thong shining just as brightly. You looked like you were covered in blood, the gems catching his eye in a way he hadn’t expected. 

“--and the topmost layer of fat, but I won’t make an incision till you’re nice and numb...” There was an operating table on the stage, where one of Roman’s lowest-ranking goons was tied down. If Zsasz remembered correctly, this guy had fucked up pretty monumentally recently, so seeing him strapped down and struggling brought a grin to his face.

You ran over to the man, the crowd laughing as you leaned across him. “...Oh, and laughing gas can be so much fun, please don’t doubt my decision...”

The scene you had set was both comedic and sexual. In all honesty, Zsasz hadn’t expected you to do anything like this; you were a chorus girl, someone he had thought would go for something overdone and classic. Maybe some old school stupid, annoying, Singin In The Rain type shit, yet there you were, dressed in an outfit that was obviously meant to emulate dripping blood while you flitted around a man on a gurney. 

Zsasz couldn’t look away. 

“This’ll be ooh, this’ll be ahh, this’ll be absolutely whee!” you squealed, teasingly pressing your sawblade to the goon’s torso. “This’ll be nice, this’ll be neat and bring you closer to me...”

You grabbed the goon as he struggled against his restraints, holding him down. Zsasz was sure the man was in on your little number, and he thought it was cute; you were pretending to be some sort of killer, maybe trying to appeal to Roman’s face peely urges. Maybe you were trying to make the boss happy by scaring his lackey like this.

“So don’t you squirm, don't you fret, I'm not gonna hurt you...yet.” You grinned, leaning down before you shoved the man’s face to the side, letting him go as you ran back across the stage. “I just feel the need to be gettin’ a little of you, a lot of blood lettin’, I know the sensation you’re probably dreading...”

You pranced back to the gurney, moving with that little extra theatrical oomph that made everyone think you were just playing. You smiled as they clapped and laughed loudly. They would figure it out soon enough. 

“Cutting you up will be so refreshing for me...” you cooed, discarding the calipers in favor of a scalpel. You traced it down the goon’s bare chest, a little line of blood following the blade as it pierced his flesh. 

He let out a scream, just as you hoped he would, and you gave his little table a shove, sending it wheeling a short distance away. 

“Now don’t you cry,” You sang, “And don’t call Miriam, she’s my alibi...oh let me check your toes out!” You picked up a set of pliers, taking hold of his big toe. “Aren’t your toenails cute?” you grabbed one and pulled, the goon screaming as you removed the nail, leaving a bloody pulp behind. “...and red is such a lovely color on you!” you leaned down in his face, grabbing the opposite foot’s big toenail and yanking. “...But you won’t be needing those!”

Roman began clapping, giving a loud “Whoo!”  as he watched you. He had no idea that when you had asked him for the name of his least favorite henchman, this would be the reason. Now, watching the man suffer onstage in front of everyone while you were dancing around him in six inch heels and a scandalously skimpy outfit, Sionis was more than entertained. He was impressed, absolutely astounding by the cruelty his little burlesque dancer held inside of her. He couldn’t have hoped for more. 

“When you’ve got no knees!” you sang, dropping your weapons in favorite of a crowbar. “...Or shins, or pinky fingers, or arteries....”

You brought your weapon down on each of the man’s legs, somehow still managing to poise yourself perfectly as you did so. You gave him a few good whacks, then dropped the bar, leaning down to pick a knife up out of the bucket and run it over his hands teasingly. 

“...so hold still while I remove them!” you trilled. 

The man tried to sit up, struggling against his restraints, but you shoved him back down with a sweet smile. 

“...Oh, and don’t fight back,” you sang, hopping up to sit next to him. “I think you’ll find you’re missing the point, with that.”

Meanwhile, Victor Zsasz was grinning, showing off his gold teeth while he watched you. He kept a close eye on your hips as they swayed, his trained eyes following your ass as it moved across the stage. Were you really carving a man up right then and there? He wanted it to be true. He wanted to smell the overwhelming tang of blood as you plunged a knife into your victim. But he was too far away, and so he had to settle for watching instead. 

Your victim tried to scream, and you shoved his head to the side playfully. 

“That’s enough outta you!” you sang, holding his jaw tightly.

As you repeated your chorus, your knife returned to the man’s flesh and he grunted in pain, pleading to an audience that didn’t care about him. The Black Mask was a fucked up place for fucked up people, no matter how trendy it was, and nobody in the audience was going to protest when someone was torn apart onstage. Besides, Roman Sionis was far too powerful for the GCPD to go after, and as you heard him laughing loudly in the audience, you had a pretty good feeling that he wasn’t going to send anyone after you for carving somebody up in a way that only you could.

You kept going, peeling your underbust corset off with the same grace and dexterity that Zsasz peeled faces with. As you stood in only your bra, thong, garters and stockings, you felt exhilarated, powerful, as if you had been born to cur people up in front of an audience. 

It’s not like this was your first time chopping a body up, anyways; there was a reason you had to move to Gotham and get a new gig, after all.

Zsasz watched you. In fact, his eyes were glued to you, even when Roman walked away to chat with a few mob bosses in a nearby booth. Were you seriously killing this man right in front of everyone? Victor didn’t necessarily care for all the theatrics, but he could appreciate how seriously you took you took your craft, and he had to admit, he was surprised that this was what you had come up with when Roman told you to give him something good.

“‘Cause I’m all out of hurt, you’ve used up all I’ve got,” you taunted, sneering down at your victim as you brought your saw down on his leg. “So I’m chopping you up and still coming up squat! If I want it to bleed, I’ll just roll up my sleeve and saw and saw and saw...”

The blade cut back and forth, and Zsasz’s eyes followed it. Blood was spurting up, drenching your arms as if you were wearing red opera gloves. 

“And saw, and saw, and saw, and saw....”

“Zsasz, can you believe this?” Roman asked, leaning towards him.

“No, boss,” Zsasz said with a little grin, shaking his head. 

“She’s good. We may have to give her a new job...”

You paused, giving your victim a break as you tossed the saw back into the bucket, drops of blood spattering across the stage as you pulled out a large butcher knife. Before it could touch Roman’s henchman, you used it to flick open the clasp on your bra, tossing the thin little piece of lingerie out into the crowd. You didn’t really care where it went; you were too busy enjoying yourself. 

“This’ll be ooh, this’ll be ahh, this’ll be absolutely whee,” you purred, trailing the blade down the side of the man’s face. “This’ll be nice, this’ll be neat and bring you closer to me...”

“So don’t you squirm, don’t you fret, I’m not gonna hurt you, oh no, no, no, not...yet.” you plunged your blade into his chest, between two of his ribs, not close enough to knick his heart but definitely deep enough to cause him immense pain despite all the adrenaline that was sure to be running through his system now.

You pulled the knife back out, blood dripping off the metal blade as you held it tightly and pranced back across the stage. “I just feel the need to be gettin’ a little of you, a lot of bloodletting, I know the sensation you’re probably dreading but there’s one thing you’re forgetting...”

Turning back to him, you brought the blade to his throat, and in the crowd, Zsasz’s eyes lit up. He was delighted. He was enthralled. His pants were getting a little tight, but whatever. The rest of the audience was gazing up at you with wonder, disgust, amusement...but Zsasz was absolutely admiring the way you so confidently played with your victim. The theatrics were starting to grow on him, he decided, and he wanted nothing more than to go right up there and lick all that blood off your face.

“There’s nothing like the thrill of a shredding,” you sang, almost snarling, “but this is no orthodox beheading...”

You destroyed the man on the gurney, carving through him, drenching yourself in blood in an almost comical way. 

“Cutting you up,” you sang as you made an absolute mess. “Cutting you up...”

“Cutting you up is gonna be....” you finally stepped back, catching your breath as the song slowed. “...so refreshing for me.”

As your routine finished, you took a little bow, still holding the knife as you crossed your ankles and bent at the waist in a delightfully fancy gesture. The man on the gurney was very much dead, blood dripping down onto the stage, and the audience was still eating up every second of it. You could hear Roman cheering, and as you spotted him standing there amidst the crowd with Zsasz at his side, you blew them both a little kiss. 

“How about that?” you heard Roman’s voice boom above the clapping as you strode offstage. “I would call for an encore, but unfortunately, I think we’d need a new victim....”

Your head was still abuzz with the rush of killing, and you walked back to the dressing room in a daze. You were vaguely aware of Dinah Lance wrinkling her nose as you passed her, but you didn’t pay her any mind. Absolutely nothing could kill your good mood now. 

“Well?” the house mom asked as you made your way to your mirror. “Sounds like it went well, judging by those cheers...”

You smiled and hummed to yourself, nodding as you reached for something to clean your face with. You were going to need an entire shower to get all this blood off yourself. 

“Told you.” the house mom snorted a laugh. 

“He loved it,” you grinned. 

She shook her head in amusement. “You are one fucked up girl, I’ll tell you that much.”

“That’s showbiz, baby,” you joked, raising a towel to start working at wiping your face. 

“Oh, pussycat?” a singsong voice made you freeze. 

You could see Zsasz in the mirror. 

He was leaning in the doorway, smirking as he watched you. “Boss wants to talk.”

You paled. Had you fucked up after all? Did Roman get his shits and giggles and now planned on having Zsasz peel your face off? Sionis was infamous for his fickle moods. You’d watched him have plenty of people dragged off into back rooms just for speaking at the wrong time, and you had just done way worse than interrupt him. 

 You gawked at Zsasz, still staring at his reflection. What were you supposed to do? Run? He was blocking the only door, and there was no way you’d be able to get past him. You had no choice but to follow him to Roman. 

“O-Okay,” you managed to stammer out, finally turning towards him. “Lead the way.”

“Might want this.” he held up the bra you had tossed, twirling the strap around his finger while he gave you a smile that showed off his gold teeth.

“Give me that!” you snapped, rushing towards him.

“Ah.” he held it above his head, leering down at you. “Think I like this view more...”

“Zsasz!” you protested, scrambling against his chest and practically trying to claw your way up him to get your lingerie. 

He froze. He finally smelled the metallic tang of all that blood covering you, and coupled with the feeling of your tits against his chest...oh, he was so fucked. 

When he dropped the bra, you grabbed it from him, tossing it back to your mirror and moving to pick up a silky red robe off a nearby hook. You shrugged it on, tying it shut while Zsasz cleared his throat and offered you his arm. 

“Such a gentleman,” you sneered, taking it anyways. 

“When I want to be.” his voice was low and rough, as if his vocal chords were scraping against each other with every syllable. 

You looked up at him, a bit dumbfounded, as he led you out into the club once more. The band was playing as a few people cleaned up the carnage you had left behind, the bar’s patrons all chatting and drinking again. It was as if nothing had even happened and they hadn’t just watched a man be torn apart onstage a few minutes prior. 

Zsasz took you to Roman, the crowd parting before the two of you easily. Sionis was sitting in his favorite booth, sipping his drink and laughing, still seeming to be in a very good mood.

“Ah, there she is!” He said when he saw you, standing up and spreading his arms.

“You wanted to see me, sir?” You asked nervously as Zsasz let you go.

“Yes, yes, I had Mr. Zsasz grab you so that I could congratulate you on a thrilling performance.”

You stared at him. “You liked it?”

“Liked it? I loved it, darling! A bit messy for my tastes, but a lovely show, truly, though I suspect our dear Mr. Zsasz here wishes he could have been the one to take care of your victim. Isn’t that right, Zsasz?”

You glanced up at Zsasz. He grunted, not necessarily in agreement. He didn’t hate watching your performance by any means, and as much as he enjoyed helping little birds fly away from the world, he rather enjoyed watching you do it, too. 

“I’m glad, Mr. Sionis,” you said. 

“I told you, call me Roman.” he took a sip of his drink. “You know, normally, I don’t enjoy it when someone kills the people that belong to me, but I must admit, you certainly have a way with a knife.”

“I would have asked your permission, but I didn’t want to ruin the surprise.” you gulped. 

“And what a lovely surprise it was!” Roman laughed loudly. “You’re very talented...in fact, how’d you like a promotion? Yes? Perfect, perfect! No, no, don’t shake my hand, you’re...well, you’re covered in blood. Quite frankly, it’s disgusting.” He snapped his fingers. “Mr. Zsasz, take her up to the penthouse so she can clean up, I don’t want all this blood getting on the new carpeting in here.”

“Oh, Mr. Sio--Roman,” you cleared your throat, “I can use the shower in the dressing room, really, it’s no trouble--”

“Nonsense, nonsense.” he waved you away. “You’re part of the team now, aren’t you? Besides, a job well done deserves some sort of reward. Zsasz will show you upstairs. Don’t worry, he’s completely harmless.”

As Zsasz put a hand on your lower back, you had your doubts. Harmless wasn’t really a word you would choose to describe Roman’s right hand man. 

“Come on, princess.” Zsasz purred, guiding you through the crowd before you had much of a chance to protest. 

He took you to the elevator in the corner, the bouncer standing guard in front of it stepping aside with a nod. The man hit the up button, and soon, you were pressed up against Zsasz in the small space, on your way up to Roman’s spacious penthouse. 

[troublesometrollhunters]

~ Douxie is a lowly street urchin. He's the lowest class you can get and he's barely considered a person none the less a commoner. He has no place being near the castle or being offered by the Merlin to learn magic at the side of Morgana. He doesn't fit into the world of Nobility surrounding Camelot or the Royal Court. And yet as Merlin puts his hand on the young boys shoulder leading him to the castle as he holds a sleeping Archie close, Douxies never felt more at home.

~ When Douxie meets you it's love at first sight. You just looked so healthy and clean and kind. Almost angelic. With rosy cheeks and a bright smile he couldn't help but stare at you as your mom talked to Merlin about something. You were in the most beautiful clothes he'd ever seen and your hair was recently brushed and done. He swallows trying to find his words but you don't seem to mind as you fill the silence with your sweet voice. Archie stirs in his arms and as you leave with your mom waving a goodbye Archie gives him a knowing look as Merlin smacks his head.

~ "Absolutely not Hisirdoux." Merlin is firm on that point. Douxie is allowed many freedoms now that he lives in the castle but there are also many new rules. One of them is that he apprentally is not to talk with the Nobel he met his first day as Merlins apprentice. Or any Nobles he meets unless he is with Merlin and they address him first. His rank may be higher now that he is Merlins apprentice but it will never be high enough to truly intrest someone of your stature or decorum. At least that's what Merlin tells him.

~ So of course he may not be able to "talk" to you but Archie can. So the ten year old Douxie comes up with a plan! While he's working besides Merlin he sends Archie off too learn more about you. The familiar seeing Douxies interest in you is quit keen on gaining knowledge for his young master. So the cat sneaks off to ask you some questions.

~ Your alone in your room studying when he finds you. You're reading and when he appears your eager to pet him. I mean he is a small fluffy cat. However when he speaks you seem hesitant to talk back at first, afraid that a fae is tricking you or you might get cursed. But a talking cat is so exciting and he seems very well mannered so you end up answering all his questions in exhange for some of your own. When Archie comes back that night Douxie learns everything about you Archie had learned. Apprentally you're the child of a Dutchess or perhaps a distant cousin of King Arthur but whoever you are Archie confirms you're way out of Douxies league. That in no way stops them however.

~ Merlin said Douxie is not to court you. But he isn't intrested in marriage (yet) he only wants your hand in friendship. After all your his age and you live in the castle and you seem super nice. He may be a middle class mage but he does live in the castle which means little Douxie often has free riegn of it. He's worried about guards spotting him near your room so he sends Archie too you with questions he has. Sometimes he's brave and he'll catch glimpses of you throughout the castle. He always gets a dopey smile on his face after he's seen you.

~ One day as he sits at his desk looking at the window waiting for Archie to come and tell him more about you he gets a surprise. His face lights up seeing his familiar and he notices something in the cats mouth. Archie smiles as he hands over a letter.

'Hisirdoux I've heard a lot about you from your familiar. Archie says you should give him more treats for his troubles and I agree he's a good cat who often visits me when I am lonely.

My name is (Y/N) and although we haven't formally met and talked alone I remember you. Merlins apprentice learning magic! That must be so exciting! Much better than my dull tasks in the court! I am always with escort or guard or parent otherwise I assure you we would've met and talked again. I often catch you in the corner of my eye and it always bring a smile to my face. You seem very kind and many of my friends sadly are not. So I have come up with a plan. For now I can not meet you in person but someday soon I will find a way.

Until then lets write letters. It'll be an adventure.

- Love (Y/N)

~ Archie doesn't mind being a messanger. He finds your friendship with Doxuie endearing and soon comes to care for you as much as the boy. Douxie immediately gets excited at the idea of writing you a letter and responds as soon as he finsihes reading yours.

~ Dear (Y/N),

Merlin said I'm not supposed to talk to you but he never said I couldn't write too you! You're brilliant for thinking of this and I don't listen to everything he says anyways. Merlin is a great teacher and I am grateful to him but he is also a hard enforcer. Learning magic under him is difficult and I do a lot more cleaning than actual magic.

But that's okay! I enjoy working under him. What must your life be like I wonder? A Royal in the Court? What do you do? What are you Royal duties? I mostly mop, sweep, and write endless hours of boring homework nothing exciting like this!

P.S I gave Archie lots of pets and treats just like you asked!

- Your friend Hisirdoux Casperan

~ Soon starts a game of back and forth. Every night or every other night you write letters to him and he writes back. You exchange smiles in the hall and nod at each other in passing. It's the biggest secret either of you have ever had and sometimes it takes everything not to giggle at the sight of each other. You may not be able to hang out properly but as you begin to get to know each other more intimately Hisirdoux takes more risks too see you and you in turn do the same.

~ A year goes by and Douxie starts adding in small things to your letters. He loves giving you little gifts and trying to catch a reaction in the hallway, as dangerous as it might be, he loves seeing your smile whenever you receive something. Pressed flowers, poetry he read in old books, and knick nacks he found in town being some of his favorites to give you. In turn you give him sweets, books you like to read, small sketches, interesting facts from your studies, pretty crystals, and anything else you think he'll enjoy.

~ As teenager's Archie had been your letterman for years. Acting as a middle ground since it was almost impossible to meet alone. You and Hisirdoux had become closer despite not being able to meet in person much and as you both were given more freedom as you got older you found ways to meet and talk, Archie acting as a look out as you snuck moments alone.

~ You both find out the castle has secret passages throughout the walls when your about 13. Douxie and you are now able to meet in secret and have free reign of the castle at night when everyone is asleep. Some nights you both sneak into the kitchens stealing tarts and other sweets, other nights you spend in the library reading together into the early hours of the morning, and other nights are spent wandering the castle learning all it's secrets. Sometimes you even sneak to the roof or observatory and stare out at the stars talking about your dreams and what you wish to be and do.

~ As he becomes better at music he finds himself sitting beneath your rooms balcony or practicing outside your room so you can hear his music. You only encourage his craft and your encouragement makes his heart soar. He loves singing silly ballads to you and has even snuck in some romantic lyrics.

~ He loves showing off his magic. He's so proud of his craft and he's proud of how your eyes light up when you watch him do a spell. He enjoys watching your reactions as he casts his latest mark and often does spells he probably shouldn't to try and impress you. His favorite trick is summoning a flower and tucking it behind your ear. Your blush is always so pretty as he places it for you.

~ He sneaks into your library or places you go throughout the day to leave you things to find. Pressed flowers became a common occurrence in your books, or bits of a song he'd wrote slip into your school notes. Sometimes drawings and other small assorted things will appear through out the day as you do your duties as well. Unknown to Casperan you keep everything he gives you in a box under your bed in your room. All the letters he's written to you are safely tucked away in a large hollow book you made.

~ It becomes easier for him to sneak into your room or you to sneak into his as you get older. There are secret tunnels in the castle walls you use to meet up.

~ As you grow older you know your hand will soon be given to some other Nobel family but you dream of a life with Douxie. One where you could be yourself and you could live a life of love, magic, and adventure. He made you happy and although it wasn't practical you often daydreamed of running away together or becoming a mage yourself just so you could marry him.

~ One night when Archie goes to check up on you and say goodnight he runs back to Hisirdoux worried. Apprentally the ball of furr had heard you crying and ran back to tell young Casperan. He of course ran to your room doing his best not to be seen. You were waiting for Archie to come say goodnight but you'd fallen asleep and then woken from a terrible nightmare. Your door opens and looking up you sniffle and stare at Casperan with scared eyes. He lays next to you and you lean against him closing your eyes and taking in his comfort. Holding you close he uses his magic to play you a song staying with you until you drift asleep.

~ You're both more than friends. You both know it but neither of you have admitted it. The Royal Court would never allow you to love each other. You could never be married officially and eventually you'd be forced into a loveless life with someone else. However tension is rising in Camelot and things are changing. Magic may soon be banned and with it Douxies passion. You're idea to run away becomes more and more appealing as the world around you slowly dissolves into choas.

~ One night while everyone was asleep you sneak into his room. Shaking him awake you put a finger to your mouth and drag the sleepy boy to the stables. Under the moonlight you both ride out of Camelot to spend one night together. One night where you can just be who you both are. You explain your plan. What you should do and although Douxie does not want to leave he agrees it's unsafe.

~ You pack. You know you can't take much but you've arranged for a carriage with two horses so you and Douxie can at least start with something. All your jewellery and valuables along with pouches full of gold, silver, and copper from the Royal Treasury are put into a large satchel you hide under your bed. You pack a few of your least fancy dresses and steal pants from the stable boy. All of your favorite books, drawing supplies, and poems are shoved into a different satchel. You hide the hollow book of letters and all the gifts Hisirdoux wrote you in the stable and you prepare to leave.

~ Packing the carriage late at night under the stars Douxie and Archie meet you. Douxie has a satchel full of potions, a purse full of magic scrolls and books no one will miss, the letters you wrote him, and his lute. He also grabbed dried meat from the kitchen, biscuits, and canteens of water.

"Love are you sure?" He's so tender so soft and so full of love. You know this is meant to be.

"Without you Douxie life is not worth living. You love me not for my riches. Not for looks. Not for my status but for me. No matter what happens I love you."

~ That's all Douxie needs to hear before he takes the reigns and you both leave. Fleeing your life from Camelot and going on a new adventure. One of adventure, magic, and love. You know things will never be the same but that's alright. You have him, he has you, and you both had Archie. As you flee under the stars avoiding trolls and traveling several towns over you know this is meant to be.

(Comments and feedback appreciated :D)

[taylorswiftdiscographyrate]

#160-151

160. Girl At Home (4.416)

Highest score was 7.6; Lowest score was 1

I consider this not being in the bottom five a win! Remember when we all theorised that this song was about Zac Efron? What a fun theory. It’s also fun to contrast this song with later songs such as illicit affairs and ivy. To be both anti-cheating and pro-cheating all within the same discography... the range she has!

Highlighted comments:

@leadinmeon​: “i like this one. not sure why ppl stan it so much”

@corneliaavenue​: “I'm saving my 0, but girrrlllll you were so close to getting it”

159. Bad Blood (4.497)

Highest score was 7.6; Lowest score was 0 (@na-smetisti)

A song about the Katy Perry feud that honestly feels like decades ago at this point. Looking back, what strikes me about this song is how... vague and generic the lyrics are. I mean, I unashamedly bop, but if Taylor hadn’t all but named Katy as the subject, I’m pretty sure no one would have ever known. We rated the album version here, but I think the Kendrick version probably would score a little bit higher, mostly because the verses are marginally more interesting.

Highlighted comments:

@everfolk​: “the kendrick version slaps tho”

@tobesolonely​: “this song hits at a solid ten when you're mad though”

@leadinmeon​: “look it's poppin but it's also boring”

158. Change (4.778)

Highest score was 7.5; Lowest score was 1

Honestly, I think this is one of the songs that will benefit best from a rerecording. Because as much as I love Taylor, this is... not the best showcase of her vocals. Imagine if she included that 15 second long high note that I used to see all over my timeline on swiftie twt back in 2013. Now that would be a moment.

Highlighted comments:

@corneliaavenue​: “her worst album closer”

157. Two Is Better Than One (4.797)

Highest score was 10; Lowest score was 1

This is a collab with Boys Like Girls, a band I know absolutely nothing about. I've only listened to this once, when I was doing my own ranking, and I could not tell you how it goes, but I think it bopped at least a little bit? If any OG Swifties have an insight on this collab, particularly how and why it happened, I would find that very interesting!

Highlighted comments:

@tobesolonely​: “i asked taylor to perform this on the rep tour and she looked at me like i was crazy” (she should’ve listened to you smh)

@itspeterlosingwendy​: “boys like girls was such a big part of middle school, this duet hit hard then”

@yourivysgrows: “I had war flashbacks remembering this existed”

156. Invisible (4.825)

Highest score was 9; Lowest score was 1

I have literally nothing interesting to say about this. It’s not awful, but I think it’s a concept that Taylor has done better numerous other times. I think I enjoyed it when I was like 12 years old and had a minor crush on a guy in my class I had never spoken to? I would rather not think about my 12 year old self, so let’s just leave it at that.

Highlighted comments:

@leadinmeon​: “this song is so terrible i have no idea why people like it”

@yourivysgrows: “7 year old me BOPPED to this”

155. Today Was A Fairytale (4.909)

Highest score was 8; Lowest score was 0 (@everfolk)

Am I a fake Swiftie if I've never watched Valentine's Day? I've watched a compilation of Taylor's scenes on YouTube, and that was more than enough for me. This song was probably the best thing to come out of that movie for me, and even then I hardly ever listen to it. It’s sweet, though.

Highlighted comments:

@everfolk​: “I cannot for the life of me listen to this song in full”

@onceintwentylifetimes​: “It's cute but she's done it all before and better”

@yourivysgrows: “That movie javajajaj”

154. I Forgot That You Existed (5.000)

Highest score was 7.5; Lowest score was 2

The way that the final score for this song is a perfectly average 5... almost poetic in a sense. It isn't love, it isn't hate, it's just indifference indeed. I think this song being an album opener makes me dislike it more than I otherwise would, it’s just so underwhelming in that role. Also, someone (either a sessioner or someone pretending to be a sessioner) hyped it up as being a “pop State of Grace” and I’m still bitter about that.

Highlighted comments:

@liabilitys​: “the closest she gets to acknowledging calcium hydroxide and i love that for her”

@corneliaavenue​: “I forget this song exists”

153. A Place in This World (5.059)

Highest score was 7.5; Lowest score was 2

This really hit hard for my teenage self, but it’s been a while since I really felt like it connected. It’s a nice song, and a nice sentiment, but the lyricism is ultimately a bit simplistic and the song doesn’t really have as much depth as we’ve come to expect from Taylor’s best work.

Highlighted comments:

@yourivysgrows: “Was actually a favorite as a kid but I've outgrown it”

152. Both of Us (5.066)

Highest score was 9; Lowest score was 1

I know we just talked about Two Is Better Than One and the fact that I know literally nothing about Boys Like Girls, but for me this is the most enigmatic Taylor collab. How and why did it happen? What commonalities drove BoB and Taylor to work together? Did they discuss the Flat Earth theory? So many questions, so few answers. Also while I actually think this is a very lovely song, it's produced by Dr Luke and BoB is an antisemetic conspiracy nut so we have no choice but to not stan!

Highlighted comments:

@onceintwentylifetimes​: “Taylor's chorus is nice and the rest of this song is fine but I never really want to listen to it”

@yourivysgrows: “Not bad, not my favorite”

151. End Game (ft. Ed Sheeran & Future) (5.078)

Highest score was 8; Lowest score was 1

As an End Game apologist, I’m disappointed... but not surprised. This was actually my least favourite song on reputation when it first released, but over time it snuck up on me and I can appreciate it for the bop that it is! Can we at least agree that Taylor’s verse slaps? I mean, it has the ever so brilliant “I bury hatchets but I keep maps of where I put ‘em” and I wholeheartedly believe that “I can’t let you go / Your handprints on my soul / It’s like your eyes are liquor / It’s like your body is gold” is one of her greatest lyrics ever.

Highlighted comments:

@treacherousdemo​: “will end game not being in the bottom three be upsetting to some? perhaps”

@corneliaavenue: “this song is good, you guys just hate ed sheeran” (and that’s the tea!)

@tobesolonely: “ed sheeran rapping :/” 

[keatondj]

My Personal Ranking of Lady Gaga’s Discography

The time has come. The day has arrived. I am so excited to finally do this list!

Lady Gaga is one of the most influential, innovative, and incomparable artists of this generation. I think her to be one of the greatest musical artists to ever live. Her impact on pop culture as a whole cannot be ignored, and her talents as a singer/songwriter is limitless.

I remember first seeing her perform on So You Think You Can Dance with that iconic bleach-blonde, sharp-edged wig and those LED glasses with text on them and being absolutely mesmerized. Ever since that performance, I had been a casual fan, but absolute admirer of her music. Around 2016-2017 is when I decided to listen to pop music more regularly, and the first artist I knew I had to add to my library was Gaga. It was then that I listened to all her albums and officially became a Little Monster.

Each one of her albums is so incredibly unique, yet so undeniably Gaga at the same time. With the recent release of her sixth studio album Chromatica, I can now finally give my ranking of her incredible discography. I will only be covering her solo studio albums, so A Star Is Born and Cheek to Cheek will not be included.

A new thing I want to add to each album review is add a superlative that the album possesses to showcase its respective strength in the discography as a whole.

Reminder: this is my opinion. Everyone has a different ear, and certain sounds and songs resonate with different people. I’m just sharing my personal thoughts and experiences with these albums.

6. Joanne (2016)

This feels like pure blasphemy to put this album as the lowest ranking on the list when it is objectively one of Gaga’s strongest and more mature albums. It showcases her versatility as a songwriter to the nth degree, and she is the most vocally ferocious on this album. 

It is incredibly top-heavy for my taste (the first seven songs are absolutely sublime to listen to). It’s unfortunate, but from “Sinner’s Prayer” to the end, the album becomes borderline unlistenable to me. Gaga’s vocal delivery on the last few songs seems over-dramatic and unauthentic, and also technically not up to par with what I know she can do.

I think the big concern about Joanne is the feigned nature that I think I’m listening to. Gaga has always been theatrical and performative with her music, but with Joanne, I don’t seem to buy it as well. It suits a more dance-pop and electronic feel that we know and love her for. Maybe that’s the gay sensibilities in me talking; that’s just how I feel. 

She was far more successful with the A Star Is Born soundtrack in terms of writing for this genre. I applaud Gaga for going out on a limb with this massive genre shift, and it worked well, for the most part.

Favorite Songs: “Diamond Heart” through “Million Reasons”

Superlatives: Most Stripped, Most Diverse

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5. Artpop (2013)

I have very conflicted feelings about this album. At its best, it is exploratory, imaginative, and audacious. At its worst, it’s ostentatious, inaccessible, and clumsy.

It undoubtedly has some of Gaga’s sickest and coolest production to date; she really amped up the electronic feel for this album. She also experimented with several contemporary genres (hip hop, R&B, dubstep, trap, rock, etc.) quite skillfully on various tracks like “MANiCURE”, “Do What U Want”, and “Swine”. However, the production does go overboard sometimes, creating a heavy and clunky sound (”Swine” often becomes very harsh to listen to).

Lyrically, I find that it can be very distant, boastful, and vain. Certain songs like “Donatella” and “Fashion” are very specific to Gaga’s lifestyle and obvious love for high fashion, but it is not relatable to the common listener (or at least not me). The extravagant nature of the songs, and even the album as a whole, is hard to really dive into.

I still love this album a lot, but more like as a guilty pleasure. I see many people regard it to be her underrated masterpiece, and I understand where they are coming from, but find them to be misguided. It’s a strong piece of work, but Gaga just shot for the stars and went a little too far for her own good.

Favorite Songs: “Aura”, “Venus”, “G.U.Y.”, “Sexxx Dreams”, “ARTPOP”, “Applause”

Superlatives: Most Experimental, Most Bold

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4. The Fame (2008) 

It truly pains me to put this album so low because it’s the record that introduced us to the brilliance of her work and it features some of my absolute favorite Gaga tracks on it (”Poker Face” still hits hard even today). I cannot let the nostalgic nature of the album cloud my judgment, though. This only goes to show how incredibly strong her discography is; we are really splitting hairs at this point.

What Gaga did for the music industry back in 2008 is insurmountable and outrageous. She brought back the four-to-the-floor sound to the radio in a campy and edgy way that we had never heard before. She will most likely be the biggest juggernaut of an artist I will ever see in my lifetime; she will define my era of music as a child. This is the era I mainly associate with the iconic nature of Lady Gaga. 

It’s comparatively tame to her other work since she was still testing the waters and figuring herself out as an artist. But by 2008′s standards, terms like “disco stick” and “bluffin with my muffin” were totally out-there and controversial. Songs like “Paparazzi”, “LoveGame” and “Poker Face” pushed the envelope and influenced many artists for years to come.

Besides the lead singles, many of the songs on the album are not too remarkable and probably the closest thing you can classify as “filler tracks”. They’re inconsequential, generic, and uneventful compared to the powerhouse singles. 

While these songs also deal with fame and the opulent lifestyle like the ones I mentioned for ARTPOP, they were written from the perspective of someone who was not yet famous. The whole idea of the album is playing with the universal dream and fantasy of what fame is like. In turn, that make the album so much more relatable, universal, and engaging.

This is one of the greatest debut albums ever produced, and it paved the way for Gaga’s career and artistry. I’m happy to say that it basically gets close to pop perfection from here on out.

Favorite Songs: “Just Dance”, “LoveGame”, “Poker Face”, “The Fame”, “Starstruck”

Superlatives: Most Revolutionary, Most Iconic

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3. Chromatica (2020)

This is the first album of her work that I was eagerly waiting for as a proper Little Monster. I was absolutely ecstatic when the first information about the album was coming out, including the singles. It was the album that I had been waiting for for a long time... and it absolutely delivered. It was everything I needed it to be and more.

Vocally, it is Gaga’s most impressive work to date. Her voice has matured so beautifully over the past 12 years, and she has learned to use her upper register in the D5-F5 range more healthily, powerfully, and consistently than before. There were several moments throughout the album that I was gobsmacked at the force of her voice. 

I will admit it is the most “tame” of all her works in terms of the outlandish and campy nature with which we know her for (just ahead of The Fame). Instead, she writes with more sophistication, finesse, and honesty that has come with more experience. On first listen, it seems rudimentary, but as time goes on, the inner complexities of the album start to reveal themselves.

For being a straight-up dance album through and through, it is brutally honest and personal. There is real pain and heartache that is displayed through much of the album, and Gaga is using music as a means of catharsis to release the pain. It makes the album incredibly relatable and accessible, allowing the listeners to dance through the pain. Released in a time when the whole world was faced with such uncertainty and worry, this album is definitely a great outlet for those looking for comfort.

Being as huge of a fan of artists like Kylie Minogue, Robyn, and Carly Rae Jepsen as I am, this album truly delivers on the dance/dance-pop department. The production is impeccably done and spearheaded by Bloodpop (who I hope is Gaga’s main collaborator from now on). Even the Chromatica interludes are stunningly gorgeous and inform how the next act of the album will go. In my opinion, Act I of the album (Tracks 1-6) is absolute pop perfection; I wouldn’t change a single thing about any of those tracks.

The album may run a little short, and it’s tamer compared to her earlier works, but it is still brilliant nonetheless. With a collaboration with the reigning Princess of Pop, Ariana Grande, you know it has to be amazing. This will absolutely go down as one of the best dance albums ever written. This is Gaga’s return to form, and we have been so blessed.

(Ok, but Chromatica II into 911 is THE serve. She did THAT. Do you know what she did? THAT.)

Favorite Songs: “Chromatica I”, “Alice”, “Stupid Love”, “Rain On Me”, “Free Woman”, “Fun Tonight”, “911″, “1000 Doves”

Superlatives: Most Cohesive, Most Personal

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2. The Fame Monster (2009)

I’m gonna be perfectly honest here: it took the longest time for this album to grow on me. Even longer than ARTPOP. But with time, I was finally able to see just how sleek, crisp, and perfect of an album this really is.

This was Gaga’s expansion to The Fame that she wrote based on her experiences with touring, fame, and the toll that can take on someone. It is a concept album with each song being based on a personal fear of Gaga’s that I am sure were all amplified with the high intensity of being a pop star. 

You can immediately tell the difference between this album and its predecessor. It’s darker, it’s sexier, and it’s candid. Where The Fame was written from a place of imagination and wonder, this was written from a place of truth and fear. The amount of growth that came from just a year on the road is staggering.

It is undeniably her most polished album in terms of production and composition. It took the ambition of sonic perfection that The Fame was going for, and amped it up even more. Each song has its own feel to it, but they all work together so well as an album.

There is one song that makes this album imperfect and keeps it from my number one spot, and the song will make tons of Little Monsters angry: “Speechless”. I just don’t like it, no matter how many times I’ve tried to get into it. It’s written in C major (my least favorite key), it’s overly sentimental and hokey, and it disrupts the flow of pop that keeps the album together. I know it’s an incredibly personal song for her, but it is just mediocre to me; I skip it everytime.

Other than that, I think the album is absolute perfection. “Bad Romance” is one of the most iconic and influential songs in her songbook and even the Great American Songbook, and the non-singles are just as powerful, if not better. This album is the standard to which Gaga is held, and any album in the future will struggle to hold its own against this amazing work. Except one. ;) 

Favorite Songs: “Bad Romance”, “Alejandro”, “Monster”, “Dance In The Dark”, “So Happy I Could Die”

Superlatives: Most Polished, Most Dark

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1. Born This Way (2011)

Is there really any other option?

It’s the album that debuted at #1 on the Billboard charts. It’s the album with 5 of her most iconic and successful singles (the title song, “Judas”, “The Edge of Glory”, “You And I”, and “Marry The Night”). It’s the album that was unabashedly open about its advocacy, and gave voice to anyone who ever felt cheated by life or counted out. Of course it has to be in the number one spot.

This is Gaga at her freest, her most courageous, her most daring. She went all out in this record, and the results are absolutely remarkable. I am a massive fan of the 80′s in all aspects (especially the music), so the influence of 80′s rock and pop on the album satisfy my sensibilities swimmingly. The ingenuity and artistry which she demonstrates in the composition of this album is just mind-blowing.

“The Edge of Glory” is her best song. Hands down. No question. Bottom line, cut, and dry. The first time I heard it back in 2011 was so impactful to me. I learned just what an impressive singer Gaga is, and how powerful of a songwriter she is. It is one of the most euphoric, devil-may-care, and joyous songs ever written, and one of the most important songs in my life. The fact that it perfectly closes out the thrilling roller-coaster ride of Born This Way is the cherry on top.

It might be a little messier and imprecise than The Fame Monster, but it’s lows never get as low, and its highs are astronomically high. The arc that this album takes me through is astonishing. It is an album about celebrating life, loving others and yourself, and throwing caution to the wind. Who can’t relate to that and find comfort in it?

I could go on for ages about this album, but I’ll keep it simple. This is Gaga’s magnum opus, and one of the best pop records ever created. I am so unbelievably grateful for what it has done for my life, and it will forever be one of my favorite albums ever written. It taught me that I am unequivocally born this way, and that I should strive to be on the edge of glory.

Favorite Songs: The whole tracklist   ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Superlatives: Most Daring, Most Adventurous, Most Creative

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I have been wanting to do this list for so long, and I am thrilled to finally get my thoughts out in a post. Lady Gaga is one of the best and most iconic musicals artists ever, and I am eagerly hopeful for the future of her music. I recently uploaded a reaction video of me listening to Chromatica for the first time if you’d like to watch. I am an absolute dork in it, and completely got my life on the first listen. I’ll include it as a separate post on my page as well. Enjoy!

https://youtu.be/zdEH2RRc3DE

[tangledgal]

WARNING: SUPER BIG POST! This is a complete list of my ranking of the season 1 and season 2 soundtrack.

Alright, first, I truly like/ love all the songs in the soundtrack, so low-ranked songs are never “bad.” Second, I’m not counting the 3 scores we got with the season 2 soundtrack. Third, I know that once season 3 has released its songs, this list will become kinda irrelevant, but hey, I’m impatient. Lastly, this is all biased so if some songs seem like they should be lower or higher than others, then that’s fine. I don’t claim to be a genius musician. I just prefer some songs over others.

(P.S. this was written in a day so misspellings are likely) 

21.) Hook Foot’s Ballad

I don’t think I need to explain why this is the lowest. XD I really don’t mind this song, but it’s so short and just makes me wonder why this was considered a song, but the Reverse Incantation wasn’t! Just . . . meh.

20.) Wind in My Hair (Reprise)

We’ve all heard this one a BUNCH of times, and it’s pretty okay on its own. I just don’t consider this as high on the list just because we’ve heard it a lot and it’s just “Wind in my Hair” but shorter.

19.) More of Me

Another song we hear over and over again, but I’m a sucker for upbeat Disney pop music, and the full song is pretty fun to listen to. Nothing special, but enjoyable.

18.) Next Stop Anywhere (Reprise)

I like this one, but the 30 seconds of just talking at the beginning is a little grating. Again, just “Next Stop” but shorter. Still, Mandy and Zac always sound amazing together.

17.) Let Me Make You Proud (Reprise)

As you see, I put all the reprises last since they aren’t the most . . . interesting, but this is definitely the best of them since this is the MOMENT Varian vows revenge and makes his arc. It’s very powerful and the singing is great, but again, reprise.

16.) Listen Up

A fun song that’s just right for Halloween. I particularly love how it has the same sound as “I’ve Got a Dream,” but in a minor key, making it spoopy! It’s just lower on the list since it doesn’t really add much to the plot. Just a good song.

15.) Life After Happily Ever After

One of the few songs that sound exactly like it came straight from the movie. I like how it fills us in on the plot and with a great melody. Just . . . lots of talking that wasn’t edited out. And not that it’s not good, but I don’t find myself listening to it as often. Still, this was great as the first song of the show and it’s great now.

14.) If I Could Take That Moment Back

Yeah, I’m a New Dream sucker, and this song made me choke up a bit on my first listen. ASIDE FROM THAT, it doesn’t sound too different from most sad love songs. I didn’t want to put it too high because it’s not particularly unique. Not saying it’s BAD at all! The melody is beautiful (especially on the piano), the lyrics are heartbreaking and match up with the situation pretty well, and of course, Mandy Moore and Zachary Levi duet #2. That’s a win in my book. 

13.) Livin’ the Dream

Admittedly, I was REALLY surprised when we got a musical number in this episode, and the song did seem really random. Still, this is just a really funny and upbeat music number! It sounds similar to “I’ve Got A Dream,” but with a twist, it’s pretty catchy, the singer does a great job as a replacement for Brad Garrett. I know for most, this wouldn’t usually be this high, but hey, different tastes.

12.) Friendship Song

I will admit, I like this song A LOT more than most people do. Then again, sucker for upbeat-Disney-pop music right here. I love how the instruments are so clear and beautiful, the melody and fast tempo are really fun to listen to, the lyrics can apply to anyone with a bff, and it always puts me in a good mood!

11.) Set Yourself Free

This is a weird one. It is nice to listen to and sung well, but I think my main liking for this song is that I feel a little bit of an emotional connection with it. When I hear this song, I think of the beginning of January and waiting anxiously for the finale of Season 1. I remember seeing a sneak peek of this song briefly, then seeing the episode as all the past moments of season 1 flash through the screen. Idk, it’s not really my favorite, but the feeling I get from listening to this brings back a lot of memories to me. I wouldn't put it lower since it does sound nice and I feel sentimental when listening to it, but it’s not higher since, honestly, it really is just Wind In My Hair, but instead of Rapunzel wishing for something, she’s doing something. Overall, good song.

10.) Everything I Ever Thought I Knew

It’s . . . complicated. The song is so beautiful, I love the opening lyrics and Zachary Levi. Just. . . .  just Zachary Levi. However, I’ll admit that I’m not a fan of the whole “Dark Prince Eugene” thing. I never wanted it to be true, and I was low-key disappointed when it was revealed to be true. (Not devaluing the DPE theorists. Just not a personal fan of it being canon.) Still, I think the song does express Eugene’s feelings pretty well and it is kinda amusing when you realize he’s just having an identity crisis. All in all, we’ve waited a long time for a Eugene solo, and though I wasn’t thrilled about the context, still a fantastic song, and I’ll listen to it many times over.

9.) Wind in My Hair

The first full song I listened to from the show, sung beautifully, gives the show a great starting point, feels like a classic Disney princess song, and I simply love it. Next.

8.) Next Stop Anywhere

Great intro song to Season 2! It’s catchy, has amazing singing from the 3, and just a wonderful song. Yea, more unnecessary talking here and there that should’ve been cut out, but I love this song too much. Just like Wind in My Hair, I don’t have a logical reason why I love the song as much as I do. I just do!

7.) I’ve Got This

I love the opening notes to this song and it drags you right into it! It’s really fun to sing along to and pretend to be the angry citizens. Mostly, I love how the song progressively goes from upbeat and positive, then to worry, then to panic, then eventually to sadness. It’s catchy and upbeat, yet depressing and slow, and I love it. (Also, kittens)

6.) Buddy Song

Okay, first, can I just say how much I love the context of this song. While the majority of the other songs have an important meaning behind them or are there for some logical reason, the literal purpose of this song is just because Eugene and Lance are drugged up on flowers and that’s it. Usually, I’d be critical to scenes that are pointless or don’t push the story, but here, I have NO problem with it. It’s so fun and enjoyable in how carefree it is. Not only that, but add Zach and James singing like they are having the time of their lives (and not about to die) all to a jazzy beat and you have a musical masterpiece. I was waiting for this kind of song, and I was not disappointed in the slightest!

5.) Ready As I’ll Ever Be

The first two notes of this song should win an award alone. I love the intensity of this song and how epic it all feels. It stands as an amazing group number, as well as its own song separate from the context. Everyone gets to shine in this song, and it all has a very grand feel to it. Also, it really is the only song of its kind in the whole soundtrack. It’s “the epic theme song before going into battle” song. It’s amazing and really deserves the praise it gets (and then some.)

4.) View From Up Here

Admittedly not the most “dramatic” song. However, there is just so much about this song I love. First, I never expected Mandy Moore and Eden Espinosa to sound so good together! Imho, their harmony is one of the best in the show. Their voices blend so amazingly together and though they are different kinds of singers, they sound so in sync and the difference in their voices add so much! Also, even though this is like “whimsical exploring song # 12943,” it has this energy and charm to it that I can’t describe. The way it’s sung + the instruments make it sound so carefree, weightless, and whimsical. I feel I have no care in the world listening to it. Also, it’s upbeat and catchy (as always) Love it, love it, love it! (Also, the entire song is actually extended from what they sing in the episode, so that’s even better!)

3.) Waiting in the Wings

3 words: Eden Freakin’ Espinosa. Her voice was absolutely perfect for this song. Cassandra singing about her dreams and feelings towards being looked-over are expressed so well in the lyrics, the music, and in the emotion and power in Eden’s voice. It’s not only just an amazing song on its own, but it also gives insight into the character and makes us understand her struggles. I love the how gradually it builds up emotion just like in a classic Broadway song and the final note. Holy crap, THAT HIGH NOTE THO. I adore this song, and it definitely deserves to be in my top 3.

2.) With You By My Side

I’ve been singing this all the time since the end of season 2, and it has never gotten old. The highs and lows each singer reaches in each part sound great, the melody is catchy and hopeful, yet a little solemn and sad. It sounds great and has so much emotion put into each note. The instrumentals are enough to get me to listen to this song! Also, the song itself is a milestone in the character’s relationship that went from acquaintances/ enemies to the best of friends who can’t do anything without the other. It’s a song that means friendship, trials, hope, and the end of a journey. (Or at least that’s what they thought >:))

1.) Let Me Make You Proud 

No, I’m not a hardcore Varian fan or Jeremy Jordan fan. Not really even a Broadway fan. What I’m saying is that this song, to me, is perfect. The performance, the music, the context, the instruments, and even the nostalgic feeling I get when listening to this. It’s flawless. Jeremy Jordan is amazing at expressing emotion not through just his voice, but his singing as well. Him playing an emotionally vulnerable 14-year-old who is anxiously traveling through a snowstorm all to save his dad who he isn’t sure will even survive the mistake he made, but his motivation is what’s getting him through, adds so much emotion, personality, and power to this character and song. Also, my memories of watching the D23 panel (on youtube. I wasn’t there) when this was being played over a montage of clips we have and haven’t seen before, exciting us for what was to come, was one of the greatest experiences ever. What else can I say? Just . . . perfection.

Super long post, but I’m happy with my selection and I can’t wait for Season 3!

[rqs902]

OMGOSHH EP 5 IS YAO CHI APPRECIATION TIME YESSSSSSSSSS HAHAHAHAHA YESSSSSSSSS 

ok bc i couldnt help but include some spoilers, the rest is going under the cut:

iqiyi giving mr tyger all the group shots bc........

BROOOOO CHEN SIJIAN’S RAP!!!!!!!!!!!! omgogomg this is where wuzelinwuzelinwuzelinsunzelinsunzelinsunzelinkeqinmingkeqinmingkeqinming comes frommmm i love itttt his lyrics are hilarious!!! and also immediately being like ‘ill get rid of wu zelin!’ when mc jin brings it up HAHHAHA

daniel is a cutie!!!!

yao chi talking about his rap..... wow can i hug him hes amazing

awwww xia hanyu talking about wenhan..... wenhan’s really done a lot for him

wait that whole last bit where they leave dachang is just obvious iqiyi favoritism and it kinda makes me sad.....

UGH honestly the worst part about jia yi being so popular is that hes gonna miss his tyger gege’s when he has to leave them behind....

by the time lin mo was called, he was already so done... he looked so defeated.... because he knew they wouldnt be able to stay together and its so heartbreaking..... 

OKAY THESE SPECIAL TEACHERS WE NEED TO HAVE A TALK. OH MY GOODNESSSSS HOW COULD YOU CHOOSE EVERY SINGLE TYGER MEMBER EXCEPT THE ONES THAT ACTUALLY NEED TO BE CHOSEN???!??!?!! THATS SO FRUSTRATING ALSDKJALSK LITERALLY EVEN IQIYI WANTED THEM TO BE CHOSEN!! THEY LITERALLY PAN TO EITHER JIN FAN OR ZHEN NAN AT EVERY SINGLE BREAK I SWEAR AALSKDJLKKSDK

jia yi hesitating at the end...... and zhen nan’s words at the end.... HES FREAKING 61!!!!!!1 61!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS FREAKING JIANG JINGZUO ALL OVER AGAIN BUT THEY DIDNT LET HIM SPEAK WTFFFFF ok if youre gonna keep giving zhen nan and jin fan screentime bc yall regret eliminating them so early why you dont give them screentime at the end when it really matters????? i wanna see what zhen nan would say (jingzuo’s last minute screentime got him a lot of attention too... the fact that they didnt give zhen nan any is NOT HELPING) and i wanna see jin fan and chen youwei’s freaking last friendship bc youwei was rooting for him the whole time bc HE KNOWS JIN FAN DESERVES TO MAKE IT!!!!

AHHHHHHHH LIN MO ITS LIN MO!!!??! HE’S INJURED!!?! AAAHHSHHGHHGHH NOT MY CHILD WTF NOOO!! lakjsdlakalsk omgosh please be alright..... it sounded like his voice making that pained sound, and the person was blonde so i think its lin mo....... noooo my heart.... i cant take more stress, we literally just had elims..... so lin mo has to say goodbye to his friends (including his best friend...) and then he gets injured???? alsdkjlakj ughhhh 

omgosh daniel getting the special time at the end is just another stab to the heart goodness.... he was my favorite oaca kid from the start.... 

i cant believe chen you made it and daniel didnt.... also im so sad that like ou tianrui was the only one who didnt make it from bg project, that must be so sad... also sad that yao chi is the only one from mavericks that made it... losing all your closest friends at once :c im happy for guan yue and mingming going up, they deserve it 

WHOEVER MADE THE ENDING CREDITS IS LIN MO BIASED HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA WTFFF THERES 3 CUTS OF HIM AND 2 OF THEM ARE REALLY EXTRA AND THE THIRD ISNT EVEN FROM THIS EPISODE HAHAHAH WHO INCLUDED THAT???!! i mean yes he looks very sad and is crying there but its like so random i laughed (im sorry)

okay not gonna lie i didnt cry as much as i thought i would. yes it was sad but i kinda already knew that jin fan and zhen nan werent gonna make it so i was more just FRUSTRATED AND ANGRY watching the whole thing and seeing them get random bits of screentime (YOURE TOO LATE IQIYI) but i heard rumors and then when i saw those goodbye videos they uploaded on weibo today....... my heart sank like oh goodness its real...... i cant live in denial forever.... I STILL CANT BELIEVE ZHEN NAN WAS FREAKING 61 AND JIN FAN WAS FREAKING UNDERAPPRECIATED WTFFFFF everyone on jin fan’s team im sure was rooting for him bc they knew how he was so vital to their success --- he literally taught them all the choreo wtf chen youwei would be nothing without jin fan..... ughhhh alsdkjalsdkjlaks this is so frustrating im so sad for him....... but now i just really wish jin fan and zhen nan do some really cool stuff and stay active while they wait for the others. i think its likely (sadly) that zhan yu will get eliminated the next round, (but im honestly surprised and grateful that the special teachers recognized his talent! he realllyy killed that ‘retreat’ stage even tho zhenning is getting all the attention) and lin mo is liked by iqiyi (i think) but i dont think he has enough potential to actually make it into the top 9... or maybe its just my wishful thinking bc i hope mr.tyger can go on promoting without jia yi, but without jia yi AND lin mo, itd get pretty rough for them, so if at least lin mo stays behind with mr. tyger, i think they could potentially still do somewhat well in the meantime while jia yi goes off to debut with the top 9 and they wait for him to come back

and now for my random predictions: 

right now its rather fixed that wenhan, guan yue, and jia yi will make it. I think youwei, huaiwei, mingming, chunyang, wang jiayi are all likely, which means most of them will make it (but probably not all), and then xixi.... honestly i feel like xixi wont make it (BUT I REALLY LIKE XIXI) but i think iqiyi doesnt like him enough to give him enough screentime for him to make it (at least at this current rate....) also please note that YAO MINGMING WAS THE ONLY ONE FROM THE TOP 9 who did NOT get to go on that trip to leave dachang coughiqiyihatesmingming but luckily/hopefully mingming is popular enough to get votes anyway, LIKE MINE BC I VOTE FOR MINGMING). other than the current top 9, I think its likely either shi zhan or li zhenning or deng chaoyuan will make it. zhenning is the lowest of the three right now, but iqiyi likes him and hes gotten the approval of all the judges AND he was able to shoot up a ridiculous amount from pretty much just ONE DAY of voting (maybe a week at max, counting from the time they released the solo cams), and these votes have been tallying for the past month. so can you imagine how much more he’ll shoot up next time? he has a ton of potential to make it. shi zhan is already up there but iqiyi really likes him too bc of how hilarious he is, and jolin’s approved his smile so i can see him getting more and more screentime too. yao chi i think is also likely, bc he won 1st place visuals hahah that gets him attention from the public but also the staff, so i think theyll give him more and more screentime too. plus he has a touching backstory and mc jin has approved of him too. i think yao chi is someone who they’ve depicted as really humble and works really hard, and they like his smile. (who doesnt hahaha) but ofc there’s probably gonna be a lot of toss up in the rankings yet to come. from ip1 we learned that 70% of the kids were fixed from the start hahaha but 2-3 of them can come from behind, so who knows. iqiyi seems to really like cheche and wangzhe (how did wangzhe and wu chengze get to go on the trip to leave dachang but not mingming?? i mean i really like chengze tbh but i was just so surprised he was there! hahaha it seems so random bc hes #22?? i mean good for him but still)

anyway im all in all kinda all tired from watching a stressful 3 hrs lol but tbh i feel like they didnt show as much of the fun hotpot time as id hoped... and what about all the other rankings besides #1 visual? i dont really understand why they took a few random kids (who, no surprise, all dont get eliminated this ep) out of dachang for that trip.... i like a lot of those kids honestly, but id rather have seen more of the big group bonding / singing over hotpot (giving some of the kids who get eliminated some last screentime before they leave) or at least like find out who ranked in #1 boyfriend or something like that hahaha.... oh well..... now its time for me to go wallow in some mr tyger content so i can mourn the loss of our two children.... 

[gascon-en-exil]

I Liked Fates Before It Was Cool!: Birthright Part 1

Prologue

Opening Chapters

Chapters 6-11, in which Hoshido’s military is extremely disorganized and only regroups because the mere idea of Ryoma is just that awesome.

Chapter 6

Not much to say here. Corrin tells Xander they’re siding with Hoshido against Garon and implores him to do the same, Xander accuses them of being brainwashed and, after repeated refusals, tries to kill Corrin. Following this is a chapter that will probably be finished during the first enemy phase unless Ryoma gets really unlucky. I suppose it makes sense that this is the shortest of the three versions of Chapter 6 as Corrin went to the border already with the Hoshidans. While it’s kind of neat that all the Hoshidan royals are playable on this map as a bit of a preview, note that this is the fourth of just seven chapters in which Ryoma has appeared as a unit prior to his formal recruitment. We get it already, the guy’s an OP powerhouse and a clear favorite of the writers.

This is also where I should probably bring up My Castle, but I don’t have much to say here as it was never a feature I particularly enjoyed. Other FEs have addressed the concept of a base for your army integrated into gameplay far better than this. Genealogy and the Tellius games and others may not let you perv on your units taking a bath or disgust them with your horrendous cooking, but what does that really add to the experience? I know, I know, a bunch of small and scattered stat boosts....

Chapter 7

Oh, silly banter in the middle of an attack while surrounded by wounded and dying soldiers. Never change, FE. But seriously, even if he’s just Cordelia with a dick whose semen produces more Cordelias let’s take the time to appreciate that Subaki is the series’s first playable male pegasus knight. Fates’s take on classes is actually very egalitarian, a fact that often gets lost in its sea of fanservice and subtle story-enforced misogyny and everything about <insert character whose gender/sexuality-related presentation offends you most>. Moving on.

I’m still not entirely clear what happens to the Hoshidan army between this chapter and the preceding one. They really appear to just break ranks and scatter: Corrin and co. go fool around in the astral plane with Lilith, Ryoma and Takumi lead some of their forces toward Izumo (why?), no one cares about Hinoka, and Sakura retreats here to Fort Jinya to tend to the wounded at a makeshift military hospital. It makes sense that the Hoshidan army wouldn’t have the strictest organization thanks to their years of protection under Mikoto’s barrier, but the problem is the game never tells us that and we’re left to infer these things based on the events of the next few chapters.

The Nohrians meanwhile are still on the offensive, but they screwed up by sending Silas’s unit to attack the fort. Silas has an unhealthy attachment to Corrin that frankly rivals Camilla’s, and his abrupt defection here because he wants to hang out with his partially amnesiac BFF undoubtedly bodes ill for anyone associated with him when news of it reaches Nohr. I guess it’s cute in my case that Silas’s obsession with Corrin knows no gender, but the guy probably steals underwear to sniff. Saizo is entirely justified in being suspicious of him.

Paralogue 1

Oh yeah, I forgot all about this chapter. Mozu’s just not as memorably meme-worthy as Donnel, and recruiting her is less frustrating since you’re not forced to make her poke things in her joining chapter. It does make the Faceless seem like more of a threat to Hoshido, although as a consequence playing through this paralogue in Conquest always feels a little weird. This plus the first Castle Invasion were mostly for EXP and support farming. For anyone wondering, I’m going to be keeping most of my characters in their default class sets since I don’t feel like grinding skills or anything elaborate like that. Also, I’m playing on Normal, so I’ve got a lot of latitude in how I play which is how I prefer FE anyway.

Chapter 8

Hinoka sums up my feelings on her and her retainers. Azama’s got some amusing lines and if I knew more about Buddhism his...interesting take on philosophy would probably be even funnier, but that’s about it. And yeah, Hinoka really just does pop onto the scene with no explanation except that she’s also trailing her brothers and I guess everyone really did forget about her. Sucks to be a late development addition.

Iago tosses the conflict ball to ensure the party’s trip to the Wind Tribe village is a rough one, though since Fuga was set on testing Corrin’s worth by sending a bunch of his tribesmen to get slaughtered by their army anyway I wonder why he even bothered. This is a rare case of a desert map that isn’t a frustrating pain in the ass, because it’s small and there are Dragon Veins to reduce the amount of sand. I also like how even on the lowest difficulty of the easiest route the game is already throwing a boss at you with some annoying skills. Fuga’s motivations may be silly, but at least he leaves us with the memory of a good chapter, some cryptic foreshadowing for the Yato, and a shota wind mage who unfortunately continues in the tradition of Ricken stepping away from their archetypical dynamic after Tellius made it just a little too close to explicitly gay.

Chapter 9

Izana, huh...Izana is...

Let’s talk about Zola!

Zola is one of the rare Fates villains who isn’t (always) exactly what he looks like. On first glance he’s just a typical simpering syncophant with a fitting talent for illusions, but he actually comes with a bit of a character arc in Birthright which I have to say I wasn’t expecting. It was almost as unexpected as Leo’s unexplained appearance at the end of this chapter to kick off said arc by leaving Zola exiled. One big problem I have with Fates is how characters have a tendency to teleport around off-screen as the plot demands it, distance between locations or basic geography be damned, but it’s marginally more forgivable here since Leo is shown later in this route to know how to perform literal teleportation.

I believe this is also one of the only times in Birthright where Hinoka gets to do something that affects the plot, so good on her for acting suspicious of fake!Izana. She’ll go right back to being overshadowed by her brothers - including being overshadowed at being overshadowed - soon enough.

Izumo’s role as the designated neutral nation is delved into more thoroughly in Conquest, weirdly enough. Here Corrin and co. get left only with a vague directive to head toward the Bottomless Canyon and some of Azura’s song lyrics. That’s kind of a good thing, because I’ve got nothing on Izana now. I get that he’s an amusing surprise the first time around, but...who wrote him like that?

Chapter 10

Allow me to divert for a moment from the Takumi angst to pick some very large nits with the geography of this game. In the previous chapter Corrin learned that Ryoma and Takumi had been pushed to the Bottomless Canyon, which is nowhere near their location - but hold onto that thought. The canyon is clearly northwest of Izumo, yet the party goes south to Mokushu allegedly in an effort to reach them there. Fates has a bad time in general with giving a good impression of where its events are taking place, partly because the scale of the map is odd and not helped by it being a topographic rather than a political map like in every other FE, partly because there are times like this where the information presented appears to be simply wrong. What’s worse, the major plot development surrounding Takumi’s possession in Birthright does not, at least so far as I recall, necessitate that he have been possessed by Anankos or anyone else connected to the Bottomless Canyon. I’ll certainly be revisiting this when the time comes.

But...whatever. In spite of everyone getting lost except Ryoma (because of course) this is actually a good chapter, with a cramped map filled with environmental hazards to add challenge. The treachery of Mokushu spans all three routes and is one of those set pieces that benefits from development in each of them. Kotaro’s connection to the, er, Christmas ninjas (and elsewhere, Shura) isn’t developed here unless you choose to have them engage him in combat, but that just saves stuff for the other routes. 

Chapter 11

Pictured: easily one of the most forgettable playable characters in this game. It’s a shame too, because she’s the only default kinshi knight and her bits of dialogue and few supports offer hints of an interesting backstory that would speak to gender roles in Hoshido. Alas, she’s merely a Corrinsexual.

This chapter itself is filler, but mechanically it’s good filler. Your new OP archer royal gets plenty of targets for his bow, there are some promoted generics to spice things up, and the Dragon Veins can either help or hinder you depending on how you use them. I don’t care for the antagonist fake-out between the opening and closing cutscenes and the chapter proper - where did possessed!Sumeragi the mysterious swordsman go while you were fighting the fliers? - but that’s a minor quibble. Corrin already beat that guy.

A larger problem is with Takumi’s development, or rather lack thereof. As I said last time the events of the opening chapters explain his initial hostility to Corrin (and Azura) quite well, and Mikoto’s death only reinforces that feeling. Why then does that hostility vanish so quickly in Birthright? Just one chapter after recruitment and he’s already turned his characteristic prickliness onto Zola instead, and I don’t recall it appearing much again except in the context of possession. It’s only the route the ends with Takumi as the final boss that allows him space for his feelings to develop organically (albeit in a negative direction), possibly because Conquest is the only one in which he’s not beholden to love Corrin like all playable characters in Avatar-centered games.

Next time: Birthright Chapter 12 - 18

[putris-et-mulier]

Kpop 101: Founding Fathers

Christy keeps telling me people will be interested in posts on Kpop history and info, and since Seo Taiji has just kicked off a special anniversary project to celebrate his 25th year in the industry, now seemed like the perfect starting point.

Unless you were living under a rock in 2012, a good majority of you have heard at least one Kpop song before—the world wide phenomenon that was "Gangnam Style" by Psy (a viral smash hit that took even the Kpop fandom by surprise.) But what you may not know is that without the influence of one man on the music industry in South Korea, "Gangnam Style" may never have happened. In fact, modern Kpop may never have happened.

In this post I'm going to give you a brief history of the group that started it all. The group that was precursor and catalyst for modern Kpop...

Seo Taiji and Boys (서태지와 아이들) Years active: 1992-1996 Members pictured from left to right: Yang Hyunsuk (aka YG), Lee Juno, Seo Taiji (duh)

This is the group that started it all. They are legends. Seo Taiji even more so because he was the brainchild behind everything, writing nearly all of Seo Taiji and Boys' songs. Seo Taiji (and Boys) influence on the music industry in South Korea persists to this day. If you're a fan of any modern Kpop artist, you have Seo Taiji to thank.

So, how did Seo Taiji and Boys come to be?

In 1991 there was a 19 year old guy called Seo Taiji who had spent about 2 years as the bassist in a metal band called Sinawe ([shee-na-wee] legends in their own right, they are often credited as the first heavy metal band in South Korea). As bands are prone to do though, Sinawe broke up in 1991. This left Taiji as an unemployed musician and high school drop out, every parent's dream. The obvious next step that Taiji decided to take was to learn how to dance, because why not?

The person Seo Taiji decided to learn how to dance from was none other than Yang Hyunsuk. This dancing machine:

If that name or face seems familiar but you can't place it, brace yourself, it's Papa YG himself. For those not in-the-know, YG Entertainment is considered one of the "Big 3" entertainment companies in South Korea. If you're a music act and you're signed to SM Entertainment, YG Entertainment, or JYP Entertainment, it's pretty much a guarantee for success and popularity. YG Entertainment was founded by YG, aka Yang-goon, aka Yang Hyunsuk from Seo Taiji and Boys. See, I told you Seo Taiji and Boys is still influencing the Kpop industry to this day, quite literally.

So, Taiji's getting dance lessons from YG and at some point he shares some music he's been working on with YG. YG is so blown away by what he hears that he offers to join Taiji in a group. They later recruited Lee Juno (a well known dancer at that time in the… dancer community?) who also wanted to join due to being impressed by Taiji's music.

Now that the group is all assembled, it's time for a good old fashion debut!

In 1992 Seo Taiji and Boys made their big debut on a television talent show on the MBC network. The show worked by having an act perform, then a panel of judges (music critics, musicians, etc.) would rate them and give feedback. Seo Taiji and Boys had the lowest ranking in the history of the show, but little did those judges know how wrong they were. The song they performed on the show, their debut single "I Know" (난 알아요/Nan Arayo), and the album it was on were such a huge success that Kpop was forever changed.

Believe it or not, this is the song that changed it all:

Seo Taiji and Boys' music was unlike anything else in South Korea at the time, and it sparked a huge craze among teens and young adults.

Over the span of 4 studio albums released from 1992 to 1995, Seo Taiji and Boys' music was known for combining elements of rock, hip hop, and electronic music. They're often credited for bringing those music styles to a mainstream, widespread audience in South Korea. They were also known for their politically charged and controversial lyrics, often criticizing aspects of South Korean society. At one point, conservatives even accused them of backmasking Satanic messages into their songs and brainwashing young people. One of the most noteworthy instances of censorship that Seo Taiji and Boys experienced was with their song "Shame of the Times" (시대유감/ Sidae Yugam). The song was so heavily censored it was originally included on their fourth album only as an instrumental track. Fans were so outraged and caused such an uproar that they were a partial influence in abolishing South Korea's policy of "pre-censorship" in 1996. Pre-censorship was a practice in which songs would be reviewed by a department of the government so that songs could be censored before being released on CD. There was no "clean edit" vs unedited "album version". Everything was the "clean edit". Shortly after pre-censorship was abolished, "Shame of the Times” was re-released on a special EP with the original lyrics/vocals intact.

In January 1996 Seo Taiji and Boys announced their disbandment, devastating fans throughout the nation. After the announcement, Seo Taiji promptly disappeared off to America. YG and Lee Juno both started their own entertainment companies (record labels), however only YG's venture was successful. Two years later, in 1998, Seo Taiji returned as a solo artist with a much heavier rock sound. He remains a bit of a recluse to this day, but pops up every few years with new music. He's still revered by many in the music industry and general public alike, and has earned the nickname "the President of Culture" for South Korea.

Aside from influencing the music style, dance style, and even clothing style of Kpop, one of the biggest changes that happened due to the popularity of Seo Taiji and Boys was entertainment companies shifting their focus to teenage and young adult fans. It was impossible for entertainment companies to not notice the rabid fan base of teenagers and young adults that Seo Taiji and Boys had, so they decided to get in on that trend as well. Entertainment companies started targeting teenage fans with groups of young singers who had music styles similar to Seo Taiji and Boys, combining elements of hip hop, rock, and electronic music, along with powerful dancing. This gave rise to the First Generation™ of idols like H.O.T, Sechs Kies, S.E.S, BoA, etc.

If you want to see some good old footage of Seo Taiji (and Boys) performing, being interviewed (with subs), and even the frenzy of their fans, this video covering a very brief history of Seo Taiji is great place to start:

And of course there’s a lot more music videos and live performances all over YouTube if you’re interested! One of my personal favorite live performances is this one of Classroom Idea (교실 이데아/Gyosil Idea), performed with metal bank Crash (skip to 1:02):

- cosmic

[lemondice]

Guest post: Mia!

This week, I thought it would be fun to have my bandmate in Lemon Knife and girlfriend in lemon life, Mia Blixt-Shehan, write a post for some variety.  I asked her to write about her favorite bands and how they influenced her work in Lemon Knife, and you can read her post right below:

So, I’m a Guest Writer for a blog! Exciting times! Really! Look, I’ve had this title exactly once before (https://www.writebynight.net/news-events/wfpl-rats/), where I made the interesting (read: ill-informed) decision of pawning off the first chapters of a thirteen-year-old novel—by which I mean I was thirteen years old when I tried to write the stinking thing (what was I doing trying out novel writing at thirteen?)—about the coming of age of a group of British sewer rats who decide to migrate to America in the era of Beatlemania…???...to promote a now-defunct blog under a now-defunct nom de plume. I’ll gladly take my second chance to appear on someone else’s blog without completely exposing the gaps once filled by my long-lost tween-aged marbles, thanks very much!

Well, anyway…of course, I have a bit of a personal attachment, to understate things—the blog’s author is my dear bandmate and partner, John, so I, Mia, am here to write about my top three favorite musical artists and how they made a mark on the excellent duo that is Lemon Knife! I hope you enjoy my stop by and learn a few things as well. Here we go, lowest- to highest-ranked:

3. Muse

Sing in me, Muse, and through me tell the story of the air raid siren with the bass. Lowercase—The Air Raid Siren is the formidable Bruce Dickinson, obviously, I can’t take that title. But I’d be an effective red alert nonetheless—“EEEEEEVAAAAAACUUUUUUAAAAAAAATE IT’S A MOOOOOOOOONSOOOOOON!!!!”…new Lemon Knife lyric?

Before my love affair with the Muse discography began just five or so years ago, however, I wasn’t an air raid siren but a coffee shop bulletin board flyer. At this point I’d finally become semi-comfortable with my instrumental abilities, in specific circumstances, anyway, but I was still terrified of singing louder than, like, 25 decibels. I knew my voice was imperfect and didn’t really want to use it for much. The potential use of my vocal imperfections finally clicked on the fateful day where I heard the Black Holes and Revelations album for the first time (of at least ninety since). Loosely recommended by a visiting librarian when I was a library page, it was something I remembered only by fate on my usual very long train ride to college one day—“sure, let’s stream this thing, this train is stuck and I’ve got nothing better to do!” And there it was, as I sat spellbound through the opening track, “Take a Bow”—I was listening to a voice I hadn’t heard the likes of before, though I couldn’t quite place how it was so distinctive at the time. This was something greatly commanding and uniquely beautiful, and something that evoked copious amounts of whatever song’s emotion without sacrificing the ability to sound genuinely stinking good, and I wanted to know how it was done straight away. And so, after the last notes of “Knights of Cydonia” had died away, I set to figuring out the keeper of that voice—the magnificently brilliant Matt Bellamy—and diving into the music and generally obsessing over every recording I could unearth on my lengthy train rides. Good college pals, Muse were…

In the depths of my weekly Muse analysis (weekly classes, you know) I also became fascinated with the instantly recognizable bass work in the band, granted to the listener by the utterly fantastic Chris Wolstenholme. This isn’t your typical fuzz bass by any means. It’s got every amount of effect manipulation and gear tweaking and all—the—pedals—yet it’s combined with a great and distinctive technique that ensures that unlike that of too many other bands of their era and just before it (looking at you, Green Day!), their bass will almost certainly never become a lesser part of the music. It was here that I heard about another distorted bassist that was openly inspired by Muse and took it to the next level—he was Mike Kerr, the sole melodic instrument (well, besides vocals!) in a little band called Royal Blood. And it was THERE that I realized that bass/drum duos could be a thing…and…well…what do you think happened next?

2. The Who

We’re going a pretty hefty step up in influence here—I wouldn’t be a fuzz bassist and air raid siren vocalist without Muse, but I wouldn’t be a musician at all without The ‘Orrible ‘Oo.

It’s a story I’ve told countless times and will forever retell: Right around the extremely tender age of five, I came across a VHS (remember those?!) of the original Who rockumentary, decades before the squeaky-clean presentation of Amazing Journey—I speak of The Kids Are Alright. Familial lore dictates that the music of Neil Young was an immediate sedative when I was kicking hard in the womb, but a few years out of it, this was the first time I’d been exposed to music so raw and raucous and explosive…literally and figuratively. It had clearly seeped into my underdeveloped brain as an obsession grew through the years. (The first piano chords I learned outside of classical training were the ones in “Baba O’Riley,” at my independent request.)

At thirteen—oh, yeah, when I was also trying to write a novel about rats!—I got my first guitar. I took a few lessons for some months with a couple of fantastic tutors and then I was off on my own with a self-prescribed in-depth study of acoustic Who songs. I can’t imagine I was a particularly typical student, because from the very beginning I had absolutely no interest in learning to Van-Halen-shred and very little in the Gilmour bend, even though I greatly admired both—I was in deep with the Townshend -sus4 chords and vicious pick attack. To this day my right hand is ridiculously gritty with sets of both six and four strings, more so with my choice of using coins as plectrums (we’re about to get to that). Eventually I decided to abandon soloist peer pressure entirely and focus hard on rhythmic playing and making songs melodically interesting, which, filtered through The Who, greatly informed my later interests in both musical composition and the deep dive into bass. Rock composition came easily—much easier than lyricism, then and now—after spending so much time with my head in the Who discography, with the instantly recognizable chord structures and ever-expanding boundary-pushing within songwriting (flailing rhythm guitar! Lead bass guitar! ARP-2600s! Rock operas!!), and my decision to pursue bass was solidified by John Entwistle, the band’s resident Ox and my four-string hero to this very day.

1. Queen

Oh, buddy! This is it! This is the point of the article where we start really jumping up and down about things—like, if you thought those other two entries were fanatical, well, ohhhh, buddy!!

Queen! Yes! The greatest band on Earth, then, now, and onward. Well—to me. It’s all subjective, I’m aware. But the greatest band on Earth. Really. Here are four guys that took rock by its legs, stood it on its head, and spun it around until the very soul of it was changed for good. The way I see it, there are two schools of musical artists in the current era—the ones that mostly grew up on everyone else in the 1970s, and the ones that mostly grew up on Queen. You can always tell who they are if you have the innate sense, which often comes to you by being a fellow Queen fan. The Struts. Fun. (fun., actually.) Mika. The Killers. And in news that should surprise no one reading this, three of the most obvious Queen fans in music make up Muse. They can’t be understated.

Let’s look at this further—what did we have here? The most “duh” answer first—we had the greatest frontman in the history of any style of music, I’d venture to say, in Freddie Mercury. Need I say more about him—really?!? We had a bassist that told miniature stories within his prominent sound in John Deacon. We had Roger Taylor, the human drummer who was “more reliable than a drum machine,” the primary utterer of THOSE harmony high notes, and, as it turned out, probably the most experimentally minded member of the band if his solo career is any indication. And last but most certainly not least, we had a guitarist who literally crafted one of the most immediately known tones in rock with his bare hands (from a fireplace!) and pushed every boundary of the instrument in Brian May. Whose musical presence, by the way, essentially saved my life way back when. (I was about to say that there should be shirts made with the statement “Brian May Saved My Life” on them, but I immediately recognized how terrible of an idea that would actually be, although I wanted it known that it passed through my brain, so yup, here’s a parenthetical on it. Voila.) Many apprehensive people who eventually get into music see themselves for the first time in a tough-as-nails leather-clad punk goddess, or a platform-wearing out-and-proud queer, or a genre-blending, every-line-crossing, overall bad-arse POC. I saw myself in a frizzy-haired nerrrrrrrd equally inclined to embroil himself in academics (astrophysics in his case, anthropology and library science in mine) and jet onstage to make himself very known in a rock band. A convincing argument to be sure.

Okay! That was a while. It was. I hope it wasn’t too much of a while. If you made it here, congratulations—and thank you! Lemon Knife is a happy endeavor indeed—maybe we’ll see you at a show!!