#and it sucks. because I've really been wanting to touch on Suiren's trauma responses that aren't completely shutting down | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

malachitezmeyka · 10 months ago

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Violently swinging between still wanting to write that "Kuvira talks Suiren down from her manic cleaning spree" fic and not wanting to just rehash what I've written before/fearing I won't do it justice/genuinely scared of triggering myself again because I sink deeper and deeper with every breakdown

#and it's also like. what's the point #if only one person will read it. if there's a high chance I'll have to put myself through hell for close to nothing in return #maybe that sounds entitled and ungrateful. I don't care #I don't enjoy writing. never have. I'm not ashamed of admitting that if I force myself to write it's only because I'm looking for praise #and yeah. I know. this coming from the person who near damn deleted her fic after getting a genuinely nice comment on it?#make up your mind nia do you want engagement or not #but we're not talking about that right now #I guess my main worry is that I've already written astraphobia where while the inciting incident is different the gist is still the same #I'm drawn to concepts like these because I've put so much of myself into Suiren and her getting comfort is very spiritually healing for me #especially since my support network is literally limited to one online friend who doesn't always have the spoons to pull me out of my ruts #nor should it be her job to. I'm not implying that #but there's only so many ways I could write essentially the same thing. you know?#I don't think I could make it different enough for it to not be 'astraphobia but a little to the left'#and it sucks. because I've really been wanting to touch on Suiren's trauma responses that aren't completely shutting down #but I don't feel like I can pull it off #but no one else will but me....#ugh. I'm gonna talk myself into a breakdown if I keep on like this #I need someone to slap me every time I start talking like this. maybe that will train me out of it #just wrote out like five other self depreciating tags before realising that I was doing it again and deleting it #I need to stop

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