#and it seems like I don't have any impulse control when I haven't slept

[running-in-the-dark]

I got myself a little treat when the appointment was over, and fell asleep on the couch within minutes of getting home :)

at my appointment now - I slept maybe an hour total, probably less :') I feel sooooo great and not awful at all or anything :))))

[diary-of-someone-invisible]

27th January 11:18am

I am now wondering if moving countries was a terrible decision. I haven't slept in 24 hours so bear with me. I know I'm romanticizing my old life too much. I know it was a different kind of hell but it was also a protected hell. I know I fundamentally changed as a person on 22nd September '22. The first time I had a psychedelic. I have been a different person ever since and can't really say for better or worse. To be honest, it feels like worse. It feels like the evil part of me just took over. I lost all my impulse control. I have been getting into riskier situations. I have been encouraging myself to get worse. I will not claim that I don't like it. I certainly love it. It has been everything I've dreamt of. But my dreams were formed in wrong situation. These dreams were formed when I needed a strong escape mechanism. I don't think I need them anymore. I'm in a headspace where I am very prone to impulsively delete myself. It takes a lot in me to stay because I know people do care about me and my death would affect people. I am fighting really hard to stay here. At moments where I want to die, it becomes really difficult to convince myself to care for the people that I matter to. When I'm back to somewhat normal, it brings on so much guilt. But this isn't the point. The point is, if I didn't move here, I would be stuck in a situation where I was pretty much soul dead. I know I have made some progress related to finding who I am and what do I actually like but it is still pretty fickle. It's a lot of work. I barely want to get out of bed. I feel extremely alone. Like I know I have people a phone call away but also, I would like to meet people in person more. The amount of time I spend alone is extremely too much. It is an overload and I can not seem to take it well. But also, the past wasn't significantly better. It did push me to extremes where I felt drugs were the only proper escape I could have. That is a whole thing I need to rethink. I've finally reached a point in my life where I've spent months being constantly high. Mostly on caffeine and nicotine. Some might say overdose level high. But yeah, my mind is finally starting to fight back. It has had enough. Maybe I'll start forming a new personality from all that I've learnt in the past few months. At least I am not soul dead like I was from 2020. At least I have found myself. Breaking myself out of that frozen mode has been hectic. It has been her acting out violently. Maybe we'll find truce. So that way, I have to admit, moving here was great but finally trying out weed and psychedelics wasn't. But that had a positive effect too. Or do I just want to believe that it did? I was in a well protected bubble before it. A bubble free from addictions. At least I don't drink any more. Weed is highly under control as well. I am able to resist most of my urges. I am not physically addicted to weed but I am psychologically addicted to it. Which doesn't bode well when I don't say no to anything I want. But I would still live in a scared bubble if I didn't try psychedelics. It broke me out and gave it complete freedom. That isn't nice.

It all simmers down to would you rather be current you or the early 2022 you?

I want to be the current me without addictions. Without the damn urges. And that is something I can work on.