#and it really REALLY doesn't help that i've apparently lost the ability to eat in the mornings

[bird-inacage]

Only Friends: Can Ray be Redeemed? Is Sand the Solution?

I know Ray has upset a lot of people in Episode 8. I do find it really fascinating how quickly the tide has turned on him, especially when you compare his actions to those of our villains of the first arc: Boston and Top. Perhaps I'm in the minority, but I still choose to believe that Ray does care. He's hugely misguided but not heartless.

Let me firstly preface that none of what I'm about to say excuses Ray's behaviour but is an attempt to unpack why I still hold hope.

A child lost with no anchor

Ray is emotionally immature (which as cliché as it sounds, is a direct product of his upbringing - or lack thereof). He largely operates on basic needs, as a child would: 'I want. I need'. It's all based on serving the self. He seems wildly incapable of thinking very far beyond that. Like a child, he can barely take care of himself, let alone anyone else. He's pretty helpless on his own in a lot of respects. Most people grow out of this. Through knocks and hardship, we learn the world doesn't revolve around us and how to equip ourselves with healthy and appropriate means to navigate through life. Ray however, still seems to be stuck in his infantile box.

I often joke that Ray is a bit feral, but there is some truth to that. Ray's been left to his own devices for the majority of his life. So it's no surprise he's developed this 'me against the world' attitude which is volatile and defensive, but ultimately keeps him caged in said box.

These traits are abundantly apparent in his relationship with Mew. Ray is the vehicle for Mew's self-destruction, but all he sees is the exhilaration of having a 'partner in crime', someone to be in 'cahoots with'. Like a pair of naughty school kids getting into mischief, rather than an adult partnership. Ray is all about immediate gratification over long term fulfilment because (as children do), they don't possess the wisdom and experience to think ahead. Ray seems unable to grasp repercussions or consequences in his decision making. It's always act first, think second.

To put it simply, Ray hasn't been taught boundaries and how to respect them. He just gets criticised for crossing them which doesn’t help him learn. No one has had the patience to teach him why and how. To guide, to steer, to direct, to mentor. To educate rather than scold. Prevention rather than cure. As a result, everyone around Ray serves to clean up his messes rather than equip him with the ability to not create them in the first place. He falls into patterns of behaviour that no one has seriously attempted to break which has only amplified with adulthood. The longer those habits prevail, the harder they are to change.

Does Ray harbour ill-will or bad intent?

Is Ray the worst? In my opinion, no. (Not yet anyway - I might eat my words later, who knows). I've said this somewhere before but intent makes all the difference when judging someone's actions. Choosing to actively cause harm whilst being fully conscious of the impact versus triggering damage to occur as a symptom of your behaviour is vastly different. This is where Ray and Boston differ. Boston acts without remorse, he purposely and calculatingly makes choices that will cause the maximum degree of suffering. Whereas Ray's a loose cannon. He leaves a trail of destruction where he goes, due to a lack of control and means to channel how he feels in a constructive manner. Boston's victims are targets, whereas Ray's victims are collateral.

I don't think Ray means to purposely hurt or harm the people he cares about. Because in doing so, he'll push them away - which is precisely what he doesn't want. (Though saying that, Ray doesn't seem to give as much of a damn if it's people he isn't invested in, such as Top). Ray's world consists of what Ray needs. It's not that he doesn't care about a single person besides himself, he's just so wrapped up in his own needs to even gauge the bigger picture.

When others do point out to Ray that he's hurt them, he does tend to look guilty and taken aback, as if he's thinking, 'But I didn't know. No one told me. I had no idea my actions would cause you to be upset'. Painful levels of ignorance. But I also see a huge amount of internalised frustration. 'But why? Why didn't anyone explain this to me? How was I to know?'

Ray is capable of showing remorse, of displaying guilt. He's not cold-blooded. Anyone who can demonstrate compassion is capable of redemption. Ray is seen to be genuinely appreciative and grateful when people are good to him. He's fiercely protective over people he cares about. Ray was also willing to jump in when Sand gets a call from his mum being in trouble.

One thing I do have to stress is the difference in Ray's demeanour when he's severely drunk/high versus when he's sober. His addiction tends to amplify his most primal desires, his most 'childlike' traits. The uglier sides of Ray presented in their worst light, set to maximum. The raging tantrums, the absurd and unpredictable demands, an explosive and dangerous impulsiveness. People often refer to addiction as a form of sickness, which is worth noting when the person under scrutiny is effectively not well.

Learning by Example

Now let's talk about the huge importance of Sand in this equation.

Let me be clear - it's not Sand's responsibility to teach Ray how to grow up or behave more like a functioning adult. It's neither his duty to be a stand-in parent or caretaker. The unfortunate truth is that Ray doesn't have anyone in his life who plays that role. Who is the voice of reason. To keep him on the straight and narrow. In order to actually incite change, Ray needs to be receptive to whoever is trying to help him. We've seen he doesn't respond particularly well to the majority of people in his life. He's defensive with his father, his friends, deflective and pandering with Mew. The only person he's seen to show any signs of actually listening to and registering is Sand.

Whilst it's not fair on Sand, he might be the only person who has any real chance of encouraging healthy and positive growth in Ray. Because Sand loves Ray, he genuinely wants to see improvement for Ray's own good. I don't think it's a coincidence that we tend to see Ray's more endearing side when he's with Sand. His childlike qualities take on a sweeter, more harmless, playful tone.

He needs someone with an almost parental level of unconditional love to not give up on him, where others have thrown in the towel. Ray's character is essentially a personified cry for help. His mother was unable to cope. His father seems chronically exasperated and far too busy to actually be present. His friends have always seen him as bothersome and too much of a handful.

I personally don't want to write Ray off as a lost cause. Ironically, Sand may be the saviour he didn't ask for, but the one he really needs. Someone who can save him from himself.

[katsona-the-katsequel]

Specialized Extracurricular Execution Squad Activity Report

Part 2

4/22 (Wed) - Reporter: Yukari Takeba

...Geez, Junpei...what's wrong with that...Oh, sorry, it's Takeba.

Well, Junpei Iori, that rude idiot, yelled abusive language at a woman, so I just had to give him a little warning.

For an hour.

By the way, Junpei has a cold. He has a high fever and looks like he is in pain, but I don't care.

After all, after the exploration of Tartarus, he stayed up late watching late-night TV, so it was all his fault.

...I guess today's post wasn't really a report, right? Sorry.

4/23 (Thu) - Reporter: Mitsuru Kirijo

It's Kirijo.

There are no Student Council activities today, so I took a quick look around Paulownia Mall before heading home... It seems like the number of Lost people has increased significantly. To be honest, I'm a bit worried, but the reality is that we have no choice but to build up our strength in Tartarus. I hope the second-years, our new fighting force, will do their best.

Speaking of which, it seems that the sports clubs have started recruiting new members, and that's the topic of conversation in the lounge. Akihiko seems to be excited at the thought of club activities, but I'll have to keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn't start training on his own again. The field leader seems to be interested in club activities as well. I hope he chooses a club where he can put his skills to good use in real situations...

4/24 (Fri) - Reporter: Akihiko Sanada

Today, while chatting in the school hallway, a second-year student said something that concerned me. Apparently, a friend of his dropped out of school and has become a recluse. Since there is a possibility that he is a Lost, I reported this to Ikutsuki-san just in case... I hope that nothing bad happens, but I don't think we can be optimistic.

It's really frustrating to see damage happening in places close to me like this. Even though my job right now is to heal my body...

Hurry up... let me fight.

4/25 (Sat) - Reporter: Junpei Iori

Hi, it's Junpei.

Wow, time flies, and tomorrow will be another week since I moved into the dorm. A week that seems short but long... a week that seems long but short...

No, nothing dramatic happened. Anyway, life is comfortable! I'm not tied down to anything.

But it's more free than living at home, or maybe it's just a sense of freedom? It's a bit of a pain to get food, but I can eat whenever I want, I get to choose the channel I want, and best of all, I don't have to hide *it* under the bed... oh no. I'm deleting the last one.

But how can I turn it off? Hey, wait, sir!

4/26 (Sun) - Reporter: Yukari Takeba

Ah, it's Takeba.

Today is Sunday, so I went out in the morning to do some window shopping and eat around town. It feels like it's been a really long time since I've had a day off.

Well, shadows don't have any days off, so you really shouldn't let your guard down...

That's fine, right?

It seems that Junpei and the leader also went out. I wonder where they hang out? I can imagine what Junpei does, but the leader doesn't seem to have any hobbies. Oh, he seems to like music, so he probably goes around CD stores.

The seniors were in the dormitory. Kirijo-senpai said that she feels more relaxed when reading, but I wonder if that was because she was being considerate of Sanada-senpai who can't go out due to an injury? Hmm, I don't really understand Kirijo-senpai's personality, so I'm not sure.

I don't think this is really a report or anything, but this was Takeba.

4/27 (Mon) - Reporter: Mitsuru Kirijo

It's Kirijo.

Today I invited him, our field leader, to join the Student Council. I hoped that he would use his adaptability to help me on campus, but maybe I was being a bit too pushy?

Well, right after the invitation, I got permission from Toriumi-sensei and he came straight to the Student Council room, so at least it seems there's not a complete lack of interest.

...When I see a person with an ability, I naturally tend to judge that they would be happy to utilize that ability... but maybe that's a bad habit of mine. I should reflect on this. But even so, I have high expectations for his work.

I introduced him to the members of the Student Council, and it seems he has already caught the eye of the disciplinary committee chairman, Odagiri. To be able to take a liking to such a difficult guy like him, he must be no ordinary person.

But... compared to that, look at the principal's attitude this morning! What a huge waste of time! Do I need to do something about it...?

4/28 (Tue) - Reporter: Akihiko Sanada

The lines that were cut off by the recent Shadow attack have finally been restored. I normally don't use the internet that much so it won't have much of an impact on me, but it will be a relief for Mitsuru, who has to investigate various things. Also, Junpei was making a fuss about online games. That guy plays too much.

Honestly, my ribs are just like the cables.

I hope I can just replace it with a new one and end the treatment... But maybe it'll be nice to go online for a change of pace.

I remember someone in my class saying that the video of the world title defense match the other day was available. I should check it out...

4/29 (Wed) - Reporter: Junpei Iori

Hey!

It's Junpei!

Holiday! It's a national holiday!

Am I the only one who feels like I've gotten a huge bonus when I have a day off other than Sunday?

…Oh, by the way, what day is it today?

Well, that's ok, but anyway I enjoyed my holiday! That's it!

Oh, Tartarus and SEES are on holiday because the Senpais are out.

By the way, our leader said that he saw Sanada-san in front of the police station at night... Could it be that he forgot that Kurosawa-san wasn't there and went to buy a weapon?

Hehehe, the other day he said "I can't buy it at night, so please be careful."

Even though he was saying "I'll do my best", he ended up being the one who got carried away. …Maybe Sanada-san is actually an… air-headed person?

4/30 (Thu) - Reporter: Yukari Takeba

Uh, this is Takeba.

The world is definitely in a Golden Week mood. I saw on TV that the cherry blossoms are in full bloom at Hirosaki Castle in Aomori. In the class next door, some kids are taking Thursday, Friday and Saturday off and have already been to Guam since yesterday.

...Well, that's fine. Even if there are no missions, there is no way I can go out and play. However, when I thought that the battle without a goal would continue on and on like this, I felt a little uneasy, or perhaps I wanted some kind of feedback that I was useful. Haha, I'm feeling a bit down. Sorry! This is Takeba.

5/1 (Fri) - Reporter: Junpei Iori

Hi, Junpei here!

Today, at Sanada-san's request, I was able to accomplish my mission of carrying important documents to Tatsumi Memorial Hospital, where he was admitted for a medical examination!

...No, sorry. This is a report with some dramatization. Even the watchdog and the leader came along, so it just seemed like we were all visiting the hospital. Oh, by the way, the important document is the class list for class 2E. Sanada-san, what is that for?

Oh, and I met someone at the hospital who seems to be an acquaintance of Sanada-san. Someone who is apathetic.

No, how should I put it, he was like a knife, with an aura that said "I'll punch you if you talk to me"... He looked strong... Somehow, I got the feeling that Senpai really trusted him, and when I saw that... I was kind of jealous...

Ah, hahaha, something's weird about me.

5/2 (Sat) - Reporter: Mitsuru Kirijo

It's Kirijo. Today is the 8th night of the lunar calendar. I was contacted by the Kirijo family to say that they will be sending me some good Gyokuro tea soon, as they do every year. They say that this year's harvest is even better than before, so as a tea lover, I'm looking forward to it.

Even so, I was surprised to find that it was already that season. I really feel how quickly time passes.

At school, Golden Week starts tomorrow, and my classmates are busy planning trips and fun activities.

I don't have any particular plans, and the whole day is spent... well, maybe I'll read a book. I tuned up my bike the other day because I had too much free time. At times like this, it's hard not to have a hobby to kill time. I'm not interested in TV either... Oh, that reminds me. There seems to be a lot of talk about some suspicious shopping program lately. Amazing Commodities...I think it was a common name, like "Yamada" or "Suzuki"...Yeah. It should be on air tomorrow, so I might as well take a look.

5/3 (Sun) - Reporter: Yukari Takeba

Eh, this is Takeba...

Sorry, I don't really have a good voice.

Don't worry about it. No, it's not like the Chairman's pun really touched my heart.

Something bad happened during the day.

Can I tell you? Is it okay?

Even though I was saying it was a report... I'm also in a hurry. I mean, please listen to me, anyone is fine! This is the worst! I went to see a movie with a friend from my club today. It was a super popular movie that was released just in time for Golden Week. I was really looking forward to it. So, we met at Paulownia Mall, and there was still some time before the screening so we decided to walk around for a bit. I said I wanted to go look at some clothes, but the girl said she wanted to go to a bookstore. But she was a huge bookworm, and I don't know if it's a used bookstore, but she loves books so much that when we go to a bookstore, she loses herself in reading books.

I knew that, and I didn't have any particular books I wanted to read, so it would be boring to go, and when you go into a bookstore, you feel like you want to go to the bathroom, don't you? So I didn't want to go, and I told her I didn't want to go either because she probably wouldn't come back.

She said she was just there to pick up the book she ordered and would be back soon. But I had a bad feeling, so I told her I'd wait by the fountain and that she should go alone...I mean, if you have a bad feeling about it, you shouldn't go! In the end, she never came back...

5/13 (Wed) - Reporter: Mitsuru Kirijo

(Recording stopped due to memory capacity exceeded)

5/4 (Mon) - Reporter: Akihiko Sanada

Today, or rather, nothing particularly unusual happened today. The weather is as good as ever, and it seems like many tourist spots are crowded.

Well, we have the important mission of defeating shadows, so Golden Week is out of our league, and in any case, with this body... Well, we have no choice but to hold off on playing and Tartarus until we're fully healed.

Luckily, Mitsuru was at the dorm all day and talked to me, so I didn't have to waste any time. But is she okay? She's too stiff, or maybe she doesn't know how to play... I'm worried, even though it's none of my business. I wish she'd learn a little from Junpei's carefree attitude, but... well, it's not funny when she gets to that point.

Speaking of Junpei, in the evening we had a light discussion, or something like a debate, about Junpei's fight with shadows. It turned out he was thinking about the fight more seriously than I expected, and we had a much more meaningful exchange of opinions than I had imagined. I can't lose either.

5/5 (Tue) - Reporter: Junpei Iori

Hi, it's Junpei.

Oh, hello there. I've had a lot of bad luck lately... sigh.

It's nothing serious, but the day before yesterday I was supposed to go see a movie with a friend, but one of them suddenly had a hard time making it, so it fell through, and today was my revenge, but I forgot that the meeting place had changed, and even though I was at Paulownia Mall an hour before the scheduled time, I got an email saying I was late...To top it off, the item I ordered from Shikaku Net arrived today, but...they made a mistake with the order number!

Sigh, I don't need health sandals.

5/6 (Wed) - Reporter: Mitsuru Kirijo

It's Kirijo.

Golden Week ended without incident, and school starts again today. Student council activities are getting more serious, and midterm exams are coming up. I'm going to keep myself in shape both physically and mentally so that I don't get sluggish after the break.

For now, I've been keeping a close eye on the SEES members, and they don't look tired at all, and are in high spirits. ...Even though it's a tough mission that isn't even a duty, they're doing a really good job...I'm grateful.

But Akihiko has to do something. His face shows that he can't help but want to move his body at any opportunity. I'll put a stop to that first...

5/7 (Thu) - Reporter: Yukari Takeba

Hey, it's Takeba.

I was so long the other day...I'm really sorry. Hahaha. Oh, that reminds me, Golden Week is over. That brings back memories...the midterm exams start the week after next...Wow, what should I do? I have to study. Anyway, this was Takeba!

5/8 (Fri) - Reporter: Akihiko Sanada

How should I put it? I just can't get the fishy feeling out of my head. Tonight, after dinner, I was watching TV in the lounge. I usually kill time by cleaning my gloves or reading, but maybe I had a premonition.

The local news section featured a live broadcast from Tatsumi Memorial Hospital on patients with Apathy Syndrome.

The topic was "The number of patients with apathy has increased to this extent..." I never thought... Mitsuru would occasionally let me read the reports from Kirijo, which gave me the overall numbers that could be grasped statistically, but seeing the number of patients lining up for hospital beds with my own eyes... well, actually, it was more than I had imagined. I couldn't help but feel that this increase in the number of patients was strange.

I can't help but think that this is a good omen. It's not just that our power is not enough and the number of shadows is increasing, it's something more decisive. I'm sure Mitsuru will be very angry if I say this, but... I actually went out on patrol secretly during the Dark Hour today. Of course, I didn't intend to push myself too hard. In case I happen to encounter a shadow...

Even if she did, I was planning to contact her right away and run away without making a move. Seriously? I just wanted to do something about this feeling of insecurity. I know... I know it's stupid. But when I look at the full moon, I feel uneasy, an unreachable part deep in my heart. Is something... going to happen?

5/9 (Sat) - Reporter: Mitsuru Kirijo

It's Kirijo...

Seriously... This is what they mean when they say "regret is no use in hindsight." No, there's no point in regretting it. Anyway, let's start with today's report.

Today, the appearance of a large Shadow was confirmed again. The first place where it was detected was the New Urban Transit Ane between Iwatodai Station and Port Island Station.

I was in Hazuru's car. I immediately sent three second-year students to the scene, and I myself prepared my backup equipment and set out. However, I think the current backup system needs some review.

To put it simply, the team on the ground was planning to infiltrate the parked Anezuru during the Dark Hour and defeat the large Shadow believed to be inside. However, even at this point, I still hadn't been able to confirm the Shadow's position, and I had to admit that my judgement in allowing it to enter without enough information was a fatal mistake. That thing... the large Shadow had merged with the monorail's body, setting a trap for our attack. To be honest, I had never thought that the Shadow had such intelligence.

Future strategies against the Shadows will also need to be significantly revised.

In any case, thanks to the efforts of the three second-year students, and especially the judgment of the field leader, they succeeded in defeating the Shadow, but it was a battle that required reflection on many things. Next time, they'll clear their name... Next time...

5/10 (Sun) - Reporter: Junpei Iori

Hi, it's Junpei.

No, no, I really thought I was going to die yesterday. The car in front of me was closing in on me in the blink of an eye! I couldn't kill the enemy Shadow very easily! And just when I was about to do so, my attack failed and I slipped and fell! I was like, "What on earth is this?" Ahahaha.

...No, it's no laughing matter. I'm reflecting on the fact that if I hadn't gone too far in the first place, the fight might have been easier... But compared to that, he's really incredible. Even in such an extreme situation, he had the composure to run over to the brakes... No, I really can't lose...even I...

5/11 (Mon) - Reporter: Akihiko Sanada

Maybe because the operation the day before yesterday ended rather unsatisfactorily, Mitsuru seemed a little depressed, but today I was finally able to tell her what seemed to be good news. It seems that since defeating that big Shadow, the Apathy Syndrome patients have been recovering one after another.

Today, I stopped by Tatsumi Memorial Hospital on my way home from school to get some medicine, and one of the nurses told me with a happy look on her face. At the very least, almost all of the patients whose consciousness level had dropped so much that they were hospitalized there were able to respond when the doctor spoke to them overnight. It's a masterpiece because the most serious symptom related to the apathetic patients was a broken bone in a university student who was hit by a car while daydreaming. It would have been a breach of confidentiality, but she must have been very happy.

I told Mitsuru about it right away, but she scolded me, saying that it was the railway company that would be held responsible for the overrun, and that I shouldn't get too excited. She's happy too, but she's still not very honest.

The other thing that's changed is... Ah, that's right. Exams start next week, so the campus is in disarray. Tartarus is important, but we need to make sure the second-years don't neglect their duties as students. Especially Junpei. Is he okay...?

5/12(Tue) - Reporter: Yukari Takeba

Well, this is Takeba.

I skipped Tartarus today and went to borrow a friend's notebook. I'm sorry, Kirijo-senpai and everyone.

I mean, if I don't study, I get anxious, right? I haven't been able to concentrate on studying for the past few days because of the strategy I used the other day, so I'm a bit worried.

I'm in a hurry. Seriously.

Ah, but it's not that I don't like my role in the SEES. I talked to the leader this morning, and I'm happy if I can help someone by working hard. But that's that, and this is that. I'll hold off on Tartarus this week. This was Takeba.

It's Kirijo. Yesterday, a member of the Gekkoukan Academy staff was killed in a landslide by a car.

There was a traffic accident in which a man fell off a road and sustained serious injuries. It hasn't rained recently, so I thought it was just a coincidence, but it seems that it may not have been an accident. What's more, it may have been something to do with a shadow...

Whenever there is a suspicious accident or incident within the police, Kirijo's lab is secretly contacted, and this accident was caught in that net. Apparently, when they were investigating the ground to investigate the cause of the accident, they found evidence of a landslide caused by an external force. However, this is not certain, they also said that it "seems to be an external influence" to the extent that it is merely a symptom of the problem.

Afterwards, I asked for more details, but apart from the fact that the accident occurred around a certain time, there was nothing to suggest that the Dark Hour was related. Hmm... Maybe I'm being a bit overly sensitive.

5/14 (Thu) - Reporter: Akihiko Sanada

Today was an extremely peaceful day, with nothing to report as part of SEES, and nothing I wanted to personally think about. ...Well, that's just on the surface, after all...

Hmph... There's no point in being shy, so I'll just tell you. There are only a few days left until the midterm exams. The dormitory and the school are quiet on the surface, but deep down, I can't help but feel like a pretty violent storm is raging.

As for the guys in the dorm, Mitsuru and I are acting the same as usual, but Takeba seems to stay in her room after coming home from school and never coming out. I'm worried about whether she's eating properly, but in this respect, girls are better than boys. The field leader seems to be cool, and he seems to be doing what he needs to do, such as stopping by the library at school and studying with the lights on until late at night.

The problem, after all, is... Junpei. I'll have to give him a warning tomorrow.

5/15 (Fri) - Reporter: Mitsuru Kirijo

This is Kirijo.

Recently, as I continued my daily Shadow surveillance, I noticed that the number of shadow activities had decreased dramatically since the large Shadow was defeated the other day.

I can't let my guard down, but I feel like I've had a weight lifted off my shoulders for the first time in a long time.

I was aware that I wasn't putting my all into it, so I thought it wouldn't be so bad to spend this weekend sitting at my desk like a student would...

I've been told that Akihiko will be able to return soon, so let's think about how to organize ourselves so that we can start full-scale activities after the exams are over. Yes, I'd like to have more... manpower...

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[prowerprojects]

My Tails timeline sunflower/roadtrip au:

(technically the roadtrip au is part of the sunflower au, it's just the part of the au where the characters are adults lol)

Basically the roadtrip au takes place after Eggman's death. (Actually he died like years ago but they haven't properly processed it yet) Tails & Sage go on a roadtrip to kinda find themselves & figure out what they want to do with their lives. They also become friends (they were already friendly but not super close). Also, ironically, despite me being the biggest tailsage shipper ever it doesn't happen in this au. Well maybe they like flirt a bit during the roadtrip but Tails x Iggy is endgame.

Speaking of. They're on break atp. Well I'm not sure yet if they've ever been officially together at all but they knew that they liked each other & they've been living & working together for ages. But then that whole thing with Eggman happened & Tails basically spiralled & kind of tried to push Iggy (& other people too, but Iggy specifically in a romantic context) away. He was in a really bad place.

So yeah Tails comes back after the roadtrip (& here is where I'm starting to use they/them for Tails. Just so y'all don't get lost) & decides to go... TO SPACE!!

Yeah lol. I've been thinking what I want to see out of Tails as an adult... Two things: Tails loves giant spaceships and mechs and stuff & they want to help people. But ultimately, unless there's a threat that's kind of like Eggman, these two things barely overlap. Tails can still use their skills as a genius inventor to help people by inventing things that improve their quality of life, or maybe their clout as a world hero to help with societal changes or something, & they would do it, because they would feel that if they have the ability, they should use it to help people. (Especially as an adult)

& yk, it could be interesting to explore, like I really wanna build a spaceship that can transform into a submarine, but I can't waste time or resources on this, I need to focus on how to use the Chaos Emeralds' purifying properties to cure diseases, because if I might be the only person in the world who could actually do it, so I must.

But I've also been thinking... I love Tails so much, could it be possible for them to have their cake & eat it too

So like. There's a lot of aliens in the Sonic universe, & in tsr Dodon Pa has some insane tech & apparently aliens are now considered barely noteworthy lmao. Also they imply that the universe is somehow connected. Why not let Tails travel out there & meet people & learn things? That could be so cool! (+ Tails is good with alien languages lol)

So anyway. Professor Von Schlemmer (yes from aosth it's my au & I can do whatever I want I already brought Iggy over from the books) had invited them over to work & study over on the distant planet of Mobius & they've finally decided to go...

& Tails kind of talked them into inviting Iggy too, so they go together. & yes they end up getting married on an alien planet. Amy is soooo upset. They do it again on Earth later just in case.

Sometime after that Sage also asks Tails to restore Metal Sonic, but that's a whole new story...

[purple-hel]

FML

It's been a really shitty year.

I lost my job in August and have gotten exactly ONE recruiter call since then, and no actual interviews. My uncle was helping me with rent, but he had to retire because his mind is slipping (which was a conversation I had to have with him because apparently his manager, an old friend of his, wasn't allowed to, so got ahold of me for the 'he's gotta retire or hes going to get fired and lose his pension and health insurance' convo.) So my uncle can't help me anymore cos there's a big gap between his last paycheck and his first pension payment, and even if he could help my lease is up end of july and the complex wants to raise my rent by like $400, which is somehow fucking legal.

And I have nowhere I can move, because I have 5 cats (plus another I should really take with me if I leave), only two of which will tolerate other people, the other 3 will only tolerate me (plus the 6th is mostly feral and won't even really tolerate me, but she's been SLOWLY warming up to me and two of mine are her clowder and I don't want to leave her all alone, so I need to be able to isolate her from all but 2 of mine if I leave and take her with me). So I'm going to be homeless I guess? With 5 cats? and no car? Which doesn't sound like something worth fighting to survive when I'm 42 and have absolutely no hope of things getting better.

I had planned to move into my mom's empty house, but that requires like $1000 for a dumpster to reach a marginally livable state (and I mean MARGINALLY) and me having the ability to GET THERE and clean. And I don't have $1000 OR the ability to get there, cos my car died; doubly so in fact, originally it was what I am pretty sure is a brake assembly issue, but when I went to start it yesterday to keep the battery from running down it wouldn't start at all, and not in a dead battery way but in a check engine way.

And then on top of all that, my uncle's neighbor has been seriously overstepping, pushing my uncle to do things like hire a CPA and hire people to clean out the house, which would be fine, except my uncle always loses paperwork, and the neighbor refuses to give contact info for any of the people, so now everything I had stored in my bedroom at my uncle's to keep it safe is probably gone forever-photos. prom dress. a summer camp tee shirt a bunch of friends signed. stuffed animals given to me by various people, including my father. And my uncle lost the paperwork from the CPA, told the CPA to send me a copy of the paperwork, and the CPA, a friend of the neighbor, is refusing, so there's a power of attorney that none of us know what actually covers, isn't that great?!

On the plus side my uncle is good with the idea of a conservatorship, so we just need to get that in place.

plus the 'the world is on fire and death cult capitalism sees no profit in saving it and the rapturists want the world to burn' shit we're all dealing with, and I am hard pressed to remember why I should keep breathing other than my cats.

Oh, yeah, plus fucking health bullshit. I'm now on the prescription anorexia shot (ozempic) which is (un)fortunately actually doing good things for my blood sugar, so I just have to deal with ozempic no appetite on top of ADHD no appetite. Except the past few weeks I've been so stressed the ozempic doesn't seem to be doing anything (or if this is my sugars WITH ozempic fucking gods I don't want to know what they'd be without it.) But not eating enough (a good day I can manage about 1000 calories across the day, which I try to weight towards protein) means not sleeping enough, which is NOT helping the stress levels, which means more cortisol ruining everything….

[phaedraismyusername]

2022 was a soil, rot, and fungus kind of reading year for me and I regret nothing

The Beauty by Aliya Whiteley

A post-apocalyptic novella following a group of isolated men years after a plague killed off all of the women. Its told from the perspective of a young man who's place in the group is to tell stories of what was, and when they stumble upon a secret in the woods, what could be. Its weird, mildly distressing, kinda gross, but super super interesting. Highly recommend.

Paradise Rot by Jenny Hval

Translated from Norwegian by Marjam Idriss, it follows an international student studying in Australia who finds herself in a bizarre living situation with an older woman in a converted space with no internal walls and no privacy. It focuses on sexuality, exploration, and obsession, with some of the most viscerally tactile descriptions I've ever read. It's uncomfortable and frequently gross in that way only female authors can be, but I don't regret reading it.

Eartheater by Dolores Reyes

Translated from Argentinian by Julia Sanches, this book is about a young girl with a compulsion to eat earth which gives her visions of missing people and victims of violent crimes, and how this ostrasices her from her family as a child, and how she chooses to use this ability to help the community when she's older. I found this one a little harder to connect with, translated novels often feel drier and more distant to me because of what's lost from the native language, but reading the authors note really really helped contextualise it and increased my appreciation for what the author was doing so I recommend reading it too.

Follow Me to Ground by Sue Rainsford

It's short, it's weird, it's a five star read, what else can I say. It follows a young healer, living in a small community with her father, as she learns to exist amongst people who are scared of what she is, but need her skills, and how far she'll go to protect that connection when she thinks she's found it. It's full of the healing power of nature, moral ambiguity, ethical greyness and dark themes. I loved it.

What Moves the Dead by T Kingfisher

Possibly my favourite author of the year, This is a retelling of The Fall of the House of Usher by Edgar Allen Poe (which I have not read) and follows main character Alex as they return to the home of their childhood friends after learning one of them is sick and possibly dying. T Kingfisher is an author who's style either works for you or it doesn't, and for me it really really does. The blend of humour, dread, and body horror was a joy and I read it in one sitting with no effort at all. And it's chock full of fungus, which is apparently my jam now.

[09yards]

7 - Houston, I have so many problems (days gone by - nct)

Days Gone By masterlist | main masterlist - ao3 link

warning: excessive use of italics in this chapter because apparently I felt like it and I've only worked on this during night hours and honestly it probably doesn't make sense because it isn't edited properly okay love you bye now, enjoy the chapter (:

Mark drowns his sorrows in T Swift, Grey's Anatomy and Ben and Jerrys and we talk about Johnny a whole lot and the pressures of school and life decisions.

I’ve got a hundred speeches thrown-out speeches I almost said to you

&

Yeah, after all this time, I’m still into you

      Johnny was a good brother, just not exactly role model material. He was protective, but still let you do all the dumb stuff you thought of - like jumping fully clothed in the lake during winter or staying out past curfew because ‘mum will never know, not unless you tell her anyway’ - he was the one there to laugh with you, cry with you, encourage you to do stupid things because you have to live your life. Mark never really understood when Johnny would go on some philosophical rant about how you only get one life, if you aren’t enjoying it then you’re not doing it right.

     He wasn’t constantly thinking about what to do next, how if he did this or that then this would happen. Mark was confused by it in all honestly, he couldn’t comprehend that Johnny studied for fun, wanted to do well not because he felt he had to but because he wanted to. Mark never felt like he made choices purely for himself, he did it for other people or because that’s what he was supposed to do. It wasn’t just academics, Mark was nice to everyone, he it his tongue when he really wanted to correct someone on their opinions (everyone is entitled to their own opinions but the guy was just plain wrong, zero factual basis for his arguments). Mark liked being in control of his own thoughts and feelings, he liked dictating his own life, for once. He just didn’t know how to regain control. He wanted to stop doing things for others, he wanted to be a little selfish – wanted to make himself happy first. He didn’t realise there was absolutely nothing selfish about that at all.

      And then, as stupid as it may sound, Mark started binging Grey’s Anatomy. The medical drama was a major turning point for the sixteen-year-old (at the time), taught him about how he wanted to help people, how he wanted to make a difference to people’s lives. He remembers sitting down and talking to Johnny about it, about how he felt like he’d found his calling. Sure, if anyone asked him now, he’d tell people that he fell in love with medicine as a young child, always playing doctors with his teddy bears and seeing his mum go to work every day, not that Sandra Oh being the magnificent actress she is, made him want to learn more and more about the field, thus he pulled an all-nighter googling different medical pathways and finding what was right for him – and how.

      Johnny was there for all the big decisions in his life. Johnny was there when Mark didn’t realise you were supposed to ‘come out’ if you were anything but straight (frankly, he strongly believed in the idea that no ones sexuality should be pre-determined and that no one should feel the need to define who they are - like that clip in ‘Love, Simon’ which prompted Jisung, Hyuck, Renjun and Jaemin all telling him to shut up when he went on a rant about how assuming someone’s sexuality is wrong and how coming out shouldn’t just be for the non-heterosexual) and in the midst of his first full-on breakdown over his burgeoning crush on Daniel from year 10 maths, Mark had said ‘he’ around thirty-two times, give or take a few (yes, Johnny had counted just to be sure), and only then had it truly dawned on Johny that this was it, this is the closest Johnny was getting to an ‘I-am-gay-and-this-is-me-coming-out-to-you’ moment. Honestly, it’d made Johnny quite proud - his mother was an avid supporter of the community and they’d grown up completely aware that any and all love was love, nothing wrong with any of it and those who believed otherwise didn’t deserve a lollipop (sue him, he was only eight and that was their mum’s way of describing people who were arseholes without calling them bad names). Johnny was there when Mark, sweating nervously and disgustingly clammy-handed, told them how he wanted to follow in their mothers (actually Meredith Grey’s, not that he was going to tell his mum that) footsteps and become a doctor too. Why he was so nervous, he’ll never really know nor understand.

      Especially not when Johnny picked him up and twirled him around in a hug shouting about how his little brother is going to be a doctor, Johnny always was one for theatrics, their mum on the other hand gave her usual warm-hearted smile, said she’d support him no matter what and wrapped him up in one of her bear-hugs. She always gave the best hugs, they simply felt like home, like no matter what you’d be safe.

      Jisung smiled, too young to really care and didn’t understand why Mark had made some big deal about it – “it’s just a degree, you could buy one online for like a hundred pounds instead”. Yes, Jisung spent too much time on the internet, Mark really didn’t want to know what the majority of his time on there was spent doing. Honestly, Mark had him pegged as some sort of edgy Tumblr teen running an insanely successful blog for a book-turned-tv-or-movie series so the majority of his time was probably devoted to reading (that Mark knew) and watching and then reviewing the episodes. It was somewhat worrying the amount Mark had thought about this, was he a multi-fandom blogger or did he just stick to one? What was he watching? Shadowhunter’s? Harry Potter? Sherlock? So, many, questions. But hey, it wasn’t Marks business to know. If he’d just asked Jisung he’d be aware of the youngers multiple blogs, one dedicated to his love of kpop and idols with dimples, the other dedicated to reviewing and just general chatting and fan theories about his favourite book series turned movie/TV shows, Mark wasn’t as far off as he’d like to believe.

      With everything that was happening with Hyuck, or rather lack thereof, Mark was desperate to feel at least somewhat in control of his life. Desperate to feel like he was doing something that mattered, like he was working toward something. One thing Mark could always rely on is that all of his friends and family, among other things, would describe him as a workaholic. As much as Mark loved to attempt to dispute this, he couldn’t. It was the truth and being the emotionally constipated teenager that he is – what better way to deal with your emotions that not doing so and instead throwing yourself into schoolwork? Mark was a broken human in many ways, in many ways he was just normal. Just like any other teenager feeling like they didn’t have their lives under control, feeling like they had to make life altering and affirming decisions at the age of sixteen or seventeen. It wasn’t fair. It didn’t feel fair at least. It didn’t feel fair that he couldn’t have some cute teenage love story like in the movies, didn’t feel fair that he had to submit his university applications by mid-October when everyone else got to wait until December, didn’t feel fair that everyone else had their soulmates or were finding them left and right but he was stuck.

      It was stupid and selfish but he wanted to feel upset. He wanted to feel like he’d lost something rather than just admitting the plain truth that Donghyuck just didn’t like him back. Not every love story was straight (oh the irony) out of Wattpad and not everyone got their happy ending, at least not yet. So, a very stressed Mark was free to wander mindlessly around his home, mind too occupied with some parallel universe where there’s no such thing as soulmates and everyone possess the ability to fall in love with whomever they wish. Not that that would change much in Mark’s case, but let the guy dream okay? Okay.

      Johnny was a good brother. But Johnny was still his brother at the end of the day.

      A brother who comes home for the weekend unexpectedly and so his seventeen year old brother believes he’s able to be singing his heart out to wildest dreams by Taylor swift, I break from crying over Mcdreamy’s death, with a pot of Ben and Jerrys fish food (yeah he was in full blown sad mode) in hand and the most over-sized hoodie he could get his hands on, actually wearing his glasses for once and well… Mark was a mess, in peace, but Johnny took the initiative of filming Marks current endeavours before making his presence known by snorting obnoxiously and crumpling into a ball (well as close as Johnny could get to folding his over six foot body into something remotely small) on the floor of their kitchen unable to breathe normally for at least ten minutes and unable to look Mark in the eye for the next two hours while keeping a straight face, as every time it resulted in him wheezing again and managing to get out a “Y-you, you listen,” another wheeze, “to Taylor, the Taylor Swift,” another, stupid, wheeze, “like queen of break up songs when you’re sad? Oh, Mark, where did I go wrong with raising you.” Yeah, not the most pleasant of experiences for Mark, his bright red ears clearly displaying his emotions.

       He should be allowed to drown his sorrow in peace, listening to Taylor Swift (and Adele but Johnny didn’t hear his rendition of ‘hello’ so #MarkFirstWin) eating his ice cream and dancing around the kitchen. We’ve all been there and anyone who says they haven’t done some sort of version of this is a down right liar, or just really, really, lucky and hasn’t experienced any form of heartbreak ever.

      Nevertheless, this is the same Johnny who then slaps you so hard on the back that it winds you, and then tells you with the biggest shit-eating grin on his face, “Hey! You know what would be perfect to distract you?” No Johnny, he was taking the Taylor Swift route. Mark just shook his head, his ears tinting red at the memory of Johnny catching him again (yes it was three hours again) and how he would definitely be relaying the message to others. “Well, your uni applications are in, nothing you can do right now to change that. So, I wasn’t going to invite you because I knew you’d say no but now I’m leaving you no choice. As it’s Winwin and Yuta’s birthdays, they’re having a party tonight and you are coming with me.”

       “But-“

      “Yeah, no buts. You’re coming. Yes, everyone will be there – it’s a family affair. Even Jisung is coming for a bit but I’ve already bought him chocolate milk and put it in the fridge at Yuta’s place.”

      “And you’re really going to let me drown my sorrows in alcohol after my birthday party?”

      “Sure, after all, what’s the worst that could happen?”

      Like Mark said, Johnny let you do the dumb shit. He’d help you pick up the pieces later.

   Hyuck. Alcohol. Jungwoo. Alcohol. Yuta. Alcohol. Winwin. Alcohol. Jaehyun. Alcohol. Soulmates. Black-out drunk.