#and it cannot have been 'fuck it im making meth'

[waltj]

i'm like 99% sure my english classroom at school had a breaking bad meme printed out in black and white and stuck to the wall

[3liza]

A friend recently told me he went off his amphetamine-based ADHD meds because he heard they cause Alzheimer's, which freaked me the absolute fuck out and now I'm too nervous to take mine. Is this something you've heard of/are you aware of any research on the subject? I understand that you aren't a medical authority and cannot give Medical Advice (TM) but reading your various twitter dot com threads about masks, drugs, things of that nature, I have judged you to be a very shrewd and thorough reader of the scientific literature so I thought I'd ask.

no, they absolutely do not "cause alzheimers". there is some evidence that methamphetamine abuse causes an alzheimer's-like form of dementia and increases alzheimer's diagnoses in later life. meth abuse appears to rapidly age the brain, basically. while there are consequences to every single drug including caffeine, moderate amphetamine use without chronic abuse and with adequate sleep, diet, and lifestyle appears to be an extremely low-risk, low-consequence use of drugs. not to be too flip about it but there's a reason adderall (l and r amphetamines) and modafinil (not an amphetamine, but has some overlapping cognitive, alertness and focus-stimulating properties while being much less of a stimulant for more people) have been the med school (and, i have to assume, medical practitioner) drugs of choice for a decade.

there is a massive medical and scientific difference between "use" and "abuse" and they cause extremely different effects in the brain, across all substances. adderall is not methamphetamine. adderall is levo-amphetamine + dextro-amphetamine, which are different molecules than methamphetamine (but are in the same family). even methamphetamine can be a safe medication when not abused, it's just rarely prescribed these days because adderall is a lot more difficult to party with. idk if youre on adderall or what, but the only established connection (as of now, as far as i can find, and as far as i am currently aware) between anything resembling 'adhd meds' and dementia is meth abuse.

many drugs including amphetamines cause something called "neurotoxicity" which is a very broad and scary term that basically means "garbage in the brain". many things cause neurotoxicity including sleep deprivation, a bad diet, lack of exercise, stress, trauma, just being alive and doing tasks every day etc. your body deals with brain garbage the same way it deals with garbage everywhere else: by using the built-in filtration systems we all have (organs like the kidney and liver, the lymphatic system which moves fluid around the body, the basic blood circulatory system, the digestive system, etc) to pick up the trash all over the body and throw it out (via excretion, including breathing, sweat, poop, and pee). this mostly happens when you are asleep, which is one reason you feel so shitty when you're sleep deprived enough, and why not getting enough sleep makes you start to get really, really sick faster than any other lifestyle factor. you dont feel drunk, lose significant cognitive power, or fuck up your immune system after 2 days without exercise or healthy food, but 2 days without sleep makes every human on earth start to really lose it.

there's also a broad hypothesis called Opponent Process Hypothesis which states that if your brain or body get used to functioning with a substance on board, you will get worse at functioning without them and your "baseline" will be worsened. im not sure how this differs from the definition of "addiction" but heres an interesting paper about how doing a lot of speed specifically as a child when your brain is still squishy can possibly mess up your homeostasis (internal balance of systems) later on. i submit this as a curiosity only as i do not have the expertise to know whether the paper is good or accurate or well-researched, and i didn't read the whole thing because im super busy this week, so it might be bullshit. every science paper you read on pubmed or smething? always keep in mind it might be bullshit. this is part of the scientific mindset lol

related to the above: adults over the age of about 25-30 have a lot less to fear from brain-altering chemicals than younger adults and especially children. your brain and personality become significantly less malleable once you're older than about 27. the precise age of neural maturity is a little different for everyone, but very young soft brains have a lot more to fear from long term effects of drugs. im leery about prescribing these drugs to children, and i also think young people are entitled to party but should really try to be moderate substances users if at all (in their own self-interest), but on the other hand i found my ritalin (methylphenidate, not an amphetamine but has some similar functions) very helpful when i was a kid, so i think the jury is out on that one.

neurotoxicity (and tolerance) is why you are recommended to not exceed your prescribed dose and to take regular breaks. two or three days without adderall gives your body time and opportunity to clear out any garbage it may have left behind, and returns your tolerance to baseline (or close to it). we don't currently have any way to get the good effects of things like stimulants and sedatives without "paying for it" with consequences like neurotoxicity or nasty cholinergic pathway stuff for sedatives (this is probably just a physical law and not anything we can fix or overcome even in the long term of scientific progress), but stimulants used in moderation are some of the safest drugs around. abusing stimulants is dangerous as hell, and incredibly damaging to your body, but you can fuck yourself by ingesting too much caffeine too, even in small ways. if you feel fucked up on days you dont get your usual coffee or tea or red bull, congrats, that is a consequence of caffeine addiction. we are probably all pretty different than we would be without caffeine freely available.

furthermore, going off your ADHD meds because of nothing except anxiety, and making your daily function more stressful and difficult as a result, may be worse for your health in the long run. stress is a straight line to disease, which is why people with trauma get sick a lot, and get sicker the older they get. now if you want to stop taking your meds for any reason that's valid and worth exploring, but not because adhd meds cause alzheimer's, because they dont.

most of the "things you hear" about drugs are the end result of a game of telephone from a scientific study of totally unknown veracity, to a headline of totally unknown journalistic integrity, through a series of people who are laymen with no understanding of the chemical or medical mechanisms involved in how the drug works. by the time this "fact" reaches you, it is usually mangled beyond belief or totally false. so i appreciate you taking the time to ask me about it because maybe i can provide some resources to get the confusion cleared up.

not everyone has the time or skillset to read scientific papers but you can also just ask some doctors, starting with the one who prescribed the drug to you. you can call the front desk and say hey, can i get a phone appointment with dr butt or a nurse practitioner, i just need to ask some questions about my medication. most doctors are willing to explain things to you if you ask them, many clinics and practicies have nruse practitioners on staff who can help if the doctor is busy, and it's okay to ask follow up questions like "can you explain it again using simpler language" or "can you explain what [term i didnt understand] is". doctors often will rattle off definitions and explanations of processes from memory from medical school or articles without realizing they're using terminology that a layman doesn't understand. most of the time they aren't doing it on purpose and aren't trying to confuse or dominate you, theyre just on autopilot because they aren't used to patients actually wanting to hear explanations for things. sometimes doctors are just assholes but usually you can just ask nicely and they will explain things.

semi-off topic, when searching PubMed for the terms "amphetamine" and "dementia" to make sure i hadn't missed something, i found a lot of early work on treating dementia and age-related cognitive impairment with amphetamines and other stimulants, which is something ive wondered about for a long time. apparently it works well, which is cool. i think we should stop trying to sedate dementia patients into lassitude and maybe try more to give them some of their brain function back, because ultimately that is going to be the least stressful treatment.

[nochiquinn]

campaign 2 episode 130: get high, find a god

at this point I'm never actually listening to one of these bc the lack of context almost makes it better

mala: NordVPN pays for this because they could never create anything as good. actually, you know how most of the great Renaissance art was commissioned by a patron? that's the NordVPN ads. the nordverse is comparable with the Sistine Chapel.

am ready to see matt flirt with himself

youtube doesn't have captions on :(

"particularly drippy" I hate it

the collective panic attack happening in this room vs the carefully crafted professional facades

imagine trying to chase a child down when they're armed with a ranged weapon

chicken fingers are canon now

I had a lunch lady like this I'm pretty sure

the gentleman is a fucking dork

"what have you done" you want the cliffnotes or

jester

"hardened criminal is actually enormous nerd with collected family" is my favorite trope

the gentleman is one of luc's uncles now

congratulations, a daughter and a nephew in the same six months

"it's blue on blue on blue"

leave him alone, you've put him through enough tonight

"kind of pinterestry"

it's meth

fantasy meth

mala: yeza side novel when

I want books about the brenattos. give me yeza trying to single-parent a tiny rogue in training and a disappearing dog. give me luc telling his friends stories about his mom that no one believes. give me the fantasy domestics matt.

yeza please work for the gentleman, it's the safest you could possibly be (because if you get hurt marion will obliterate him)

mala: Jester: -winks- The Gentleman: haha...im in danger

"I have some questions for you" question one: what the fuck

cosplay group

I want this art by the end of the episode

pumat Knows

fuck you travis I was eating

pumat

Firbolgs Cannot Lie

spice not appearing in this movie

taliesin: person (derogatory)

"where did you get it?" you can't just ask people where they got their incredibly cursed armor, pumat, god

marion lavorre deserves only good things in life

I was okay and then "I don't want a martyr for a daughter" got me

I need art of marion walking in on the gentleman being an absolute wreck

I'm pretty sure "adventures in chemistry" was the name of my eighth-grade science textbook

"maybe he'll rebel and be super boring"

"the person you are trying to message has been disconnected" "only a few people are gonna understand that" I am aware of my age, ty travis

yussa you DAMNED fool

"I don't fear for his happiness. Well done."

"fjord's looking flammable" "always does"

travis with the menancing fidget spinner

"he's got a lot of siblings" "and they all have the same name"

"I cast Exposition. Third level." "Counterspell."

"has to be me, someone else might have gotten it wrong"

"look at what the world has done to my hair" mood honestly

hey taliesin how about no

if everybody in this fuckin cast doesn't stop throwing death flags istg

vengeance

"a blood feud it is then" using this from now on

mala: oh, you saw TMA s5 too, huh?

beau do NOT cold-call the somnovum

ngl I have zoned out this whole time, not any fault of the episode, I just got distracted by something and hyperfocused on that instead of this

mala: Fjord says leave room for Jesus between you and the Somnovum

"if I wanna destroy the campaign with marisha I'll do it!"

this is such a bad plan

this is SUCH a bad plan

I guess it's like taking your hand off the chess piece after you move it

THIS IS SUCH A BAD PLAN

laura: that's bullshit marisha: monk laura: nevermind, that tracks

that sounds cozy as fuck

I miss sleepovers. or like stealing a corner of someone's room at a con.

(I miss being able to sleep on the floor period, my body says No now)

why doesn't my internet ever want me to see a conversation between yasha and the stormlord

matt continues to be a one-man foley machine

hey no what

Yasha Fist-Fights A God

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO EAT THE PLANTS"

"oh no, this is the plot of Gremlins!"

don't feed yasha (flowers) after midnight

mala: [makes a post] me: ....liveblog title

[nerdgul]

Could you explain the brain receptor thing and unmonitored internet usage?? I wasn’t monitored either and now I’m gay but like what else this shit do

i certainly can 

first off ill start by saying the internet didn’t make you gay. it may have opened you up a bit  and gave you more info on the subject, but thas you own shit my dude. good shit, but yours

and secondly, its way to late for me to be scouting academic articles n shit so this is gon be more of a long winded rant than anything proper. and even simplifying it down this is gonna get long and be badly spelled so sorry in advance (especially to mobile users who don't gets a keep reading break) 

*** now for the tldr; you may not have been monitored but things are significantly different than it was a decade ago. internet addiction is a much more prevalent and real problem. addiction of any kind fucks up how your brain chemistry. today’s tech is essentially heroin for kids and children do not understand the concept of self control. 

so children brains are not fully developed when they come out, but we’re learning and making connections from day 1. thing is is that when a connection is made it pretty damn hard to sever. even as an adult unlearning shit is a lot harder than learning it and when ur a kid your learning shit constantly and it gets cemented way faster. so essentially what happens to your brain in childhood will be pretty damn hardwired into you forever. (there exceptions of course but were talking habits and brain chemistry here) 

which means it’s super fucking easy to get a toddler addicted to shit. like stupid insanely easy. they're little fucking suckers for some sweet sweet pavlovian conditioning.  

but what qualifies as an addiction? a lot of people debate whether or not things like video games/internet can qualify as a legit addiction cause they aren’t chemicals that directly impact the brain but are instead things that cause your brain to produce its own feel good chemicals that still fuck up your brain. but they cause all the same reactions in the end. 

basically the internet make you feel good. you want to feel good all the time. you fuck up your dopamine receptors by overloading them with cat videos. it takes more internet to get the same good feel. you start avoiding other less pleasurable parts of life (school, family, sunlight). bam, addiction. 

i’ve seen toddlers that had symptoms compared to actual meth junkies, the only difference is that when a toddler has a screaming crying raging fit over not having their fix its seen as ‘kids just being kids’ and many parents will roll their eyes and to get them to shut up will just let the kid have 5 more minutes of screen time… or 50. but thing is, that shits not normal. sure tantrums every now and then happen but it is the responsibility of the parent to help their child regulate screen time because children are not yet developed enough to self regulate shit.   

this is especially bad for video games. it might seem harmless enough to hand over some phone game to your kid while your busy running errands to keep em quiet but mobile games are designed to be colorful busy give constant achievements and keep you playing (so you’ll watch more ads or pay more money). its overstimulation and the child doesn’t even realize it, instead they see anything outside the game as being the ‘too much’ and lash out at the parent trying to get their attention instead. 

and beyond the part of addiction too much screen time has also been linked to lack of sleep, delayed speech development, and poor social skills. 

babies literally need to be touched or they’ll die. lack of eye contact at a young age can fuck up their sense of self and connections to others. so if your a parent looking at your phone instead of your kid it already is teaching them the phone is more important. and when they finally get to the screen they will also start prioritising it over socialising  and i cannot stress enough how fucking important regular social contact with children is. they need it to develop right. seriously just look up ‘feral children’ and see what happens (granted those are worst of the worst cases but even self inflicted isolation still isn’t good for anyone). 

so what does poor social skills and a fucked up domaine receptor get you???  DING DING DING, LIFELONG DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY!! a slu of mental health issues just waiting to feed on them poor deep fried serotonin nuggets.  

now im not saying internet gives people depression. that would be a gross oversimplification of the subject. and in many studies its been shown the correlation (wich is very high btw) between internet usage and depression is because internet attracts people with pre-existing depression but when talking specifically about children who dont already have these issues its a different story. 

however if you were born in the 1990s to early 2000s you have a different story than children today. so far i’ve been talking about mostly toddlers who use modern tech (phones, kids tablets ect). millennials and early gen z era were a little special having grown up with this technology but in such a way it was much harder for us to abuse it. sure there were some kids who would play webkinz for 5 hours a day and live in front of the TV, but there would also only be a single computer in the house which the whole family shared, and the internet was probably slow so it was a lot harder for this generation to have these kinds of issues. TVs also had to be shared and had regular commercials and reruns so your get bored and go outside sometimes. no constantly continuous streaming of any new content at your fingers. things just.. didn’t need to be monitored as closely back then. 

thats not to say it didn't need to be monitored at all, but more so issues with technology were less likely to happen or developed to a far lesser extent. it’s also why i see a lot of millennials defending the internet. making memes about overprotective moms being worried about video games n shit. They dont relize just how different things are and what that means.

but the reality is technology as it is today is much different. everything wants your attention all the time and growing up in a world where you get your very own touch screen device at a young age to do with whatever you please, that opens the door to a lot more potential issues and they’re things we shouldn’t ignore. 

and thats not even getting into the specific types of content children could be consuming or the effects of social media and internet culture has on older children and teens. but thats a whole other rant. 

anyway if its requested ill make a more informed fully sourced post to tackle any particular subject with more depth, lord knows i’ve still glossed over about a million other parts of the topic, but for now hope this helps. ps; if anyone wishes to add on/correct me/phrase something better please feel free to doso    

[the-belle-of-the-basement]

okay i lied lol hey again

now im in the HA meeting and im gonna stay on my phone lmao

not supposed to be on phones in meetings as per imagine rules but i dont really care rn.

why do i feel so weird? i guess cuz im actually sober? and because theres like no hope of using anything else or getting away with anything else...maybe i should get some poppers? probably not right? god, such a drug addict

background: i got found out that i was vaping spice because i got this new shit called 'solar' and it popped for opiates on a drug test at pathway. the number that i gave lisa for how long i was using was 3 weeks, but in reality id been on (and off when i would run out but that would only be a few days here and there) that shit and variants of it (12 monkeys, gold magic) for like...i dunno lemme check my calendar -checks calendar- i mean like 2 months? i dont even know. and there were the couple times that i used it back when mackenzie gave it to me back in like...must have been january or very early february almost. (that was blaze)

well anyways, yeah. i got 13 days today. and it sucks. i just want to get out of my head? but i cant. well, i can, but i cant with drugs. which is the easiest way to get out of my head, for me. its very comfortable and familiar.

god some douchebag is sharing about meditation as like "doing reps" like its fucking fitness bullshit. god, you know whats uncool as shit? caring about fitness and shit. but dude you what is cool? fucking eating disorders. what? who the fuck said that? what the fuck is wrong with you?

i wish i was anorexic. like i wish i was sick enough to do that shit to myself. that was a huge reason that i loved doing meth was because i lost so much weight so easily. god i hate my body. disgusting.

im trying to not see myself like that but its so hard. where the fuck is my vagina and why do i have this fucking dick. ughhhhhhh

well i guess its just about doing the best i have with what ive got... man, maybe i havent grown that much since 6 years ago. i mean i guess i have...if i was a fucking cis i feel like life would be so much easier. or if i like knew another trans person (who wasnt the fucking worst like GG or others) or someone who was into the same shit as me. that would be nice. i just feel so disconnected. they say fake it til you make it but what if i never make it? i dont know.

i miss my sister.

blehhhhhh i guess ill stop spewing forth conciousness now

im just a fucking lame / your girl blew me and she came / all my doubts i cannot tame / you and i are not the same / drowning in my fucking shame / always taking all the blame

[a-panda-reads-act-omega]

ACT OMEGA PART 24

THE 04/02/17 UPDATE

Hey look at that, I’m bored and I can’t urge myself to close that act omega tab. You know what that means. I’m doing another part today, w o o o o o 

Alrighty, last time. Aranea showed up, and I reacted in a perfectly calm and orderly fashion. Let’s see where this goes!

Yup. Nobody’s happy. Put that grin away Aranea.

MEENAH: serket?? MEENAH: HOLD the GLUB up MEENAH: i thought you like MEENAH: got owned or w/e

She did indeed get owned or w/e. By you, in fact. You from another universe in which you became a giant hot troll wearing a goddamn skintight outfit.

Oh yeah, and she is currently destroying the hell out of the kiddo’s back at the lily pad.

ARANEA: ... Nice to see you too, Meenah.

Pssst.. it’s not nice to see you aranea...

ARANEA: Just as anxious to get to the point as ever. 8ut as per usual, I encourage you to exercise a 8it more p8tience. ARANEA: All your questions and concerns will be addressed eventually, I assure you. MEENAH: UUUGH MEENAH: i cannot B-ELI-EV-E this MEENAH: you go all crazy and try n pull off some ridiculous timeline divine intervention stunt MEENAH: prolly kelped actin like a hotshot all the way up to getting fuckin WAST-ED MEENAH: im out here thinkin i aint never gonna sea you again cause you got it in your head you had ta be the ultimate magnanimous blowhard just like your STUPID ALT S)(-ELLF MEENAH: AND T)(-EN MEENAH: you reappier outta NOW)(-ER-E MEENAH: lookin just as smug as you got no business bein MEENAH: and you tell me i gotta put up with whatever sanctimonious salmon youve prepared before i get any answers?!

LET ‘ER HAVE IT MEENAH. Can Aranea get the idea out of her head that SHE has got to be the one everybody looks up to? Because everytime she’s had an effect on this story, it’s made everything completely horrible. Honestly, she just tries too hard to be worthy of admiration. If she were like Vriska, she’d care more about doing what needs to be done instead of being admired by all. Merely because Vriska isn’t so dependent on the approval of others, and is happy with doing what needs to be done just so she can brag to herself and others. Alright, I kinda feel like getting deeper into this. How Vriska and Aranea differ and parallel eachother, because it’s a pretty thin line that doesn’t feel obvious. But here’s a very simple way of putting it:

Vriska wants to be the hero Aranea wants to be seen as the hero

Vriska wants to force dead weight to carry itself Aranea wants useful people to depend on her

I feel like that sums it up fairly well, really. Maybe I’ll start making sideposts of character analysis if I feel like getting deeper into these topics.

ARANEA: Sanctimonious what? MEENAH: OH MY COD I M-EANT S-ERMON

GET MAD MEENAH. IMPALE HER WITH YOUR POKEY FORK.

And here we find Porrim, in her natural state of “tired of everybodys shit”

PORRIM: Meenah. Yo+u might want to+ reel yo+urself in for a mo+ment.

S)(-ELL NO

MEENAH: >38( PORRIM: Maybe try to+ avo+id making the same mistakes as the yo+unger Serket.

DONT BRING VRISKA INTO THIS 

VRISKA: Excuse me???????? PORRIM: O+h, hush. Yo+u’ve spent far mo+re energy externalizing yo+ur frustratio+n than you+ have do+ing anything pro+ductive. PORRIM: We can o+nly take so+ much o+f this. We're here to+ try and do+ so+mething with o+ur afterlife o+ther than willfully subject o+urselves to+ its infinite echo+ chamber o+f teenage drama.

Porrim

porrim, baby

i love you, i do

but this is n o T JUST TEENAGE DRAMA? I mean, Aranea killed EVERYBODY.

PORRIM: I myself have had eno+ugh o+f that fo+r at least two+ lifetimes. PORRIM: So+ if either o+f yo+u are ultimately o+nly go+ing to co+ntribute to+ the endless caco+phany, rather than fo+cus o+n getting results, I suggest yo+u mo+ve it to+ so+me o+ther bubble. PORRIM: If no+t, then co+nsider jo+ining the rest o+f us in seeing what Aranea might have to+ o+ffer to+ o+ur cause. ARANEA: Why, thank you, Porrim. That was very eloquently put. I promise you won’t 8e disappointed. ::::)

Goddammit Porrim, you gave her a reason to be smug. Just because Porrim is tired of the arguing, doesn’t mean you’re somehow at all justified in anything you’ve ever done ever.

ok im salty

PORRIM: Hmmm. We’ll see. ARANEA: Really, I was well prepared for my reappearance to cause something of a stir. It’s completely understanda8le to want an explan8tion.

UUUUUGHHhfadjnkms SHuuut uppp

ARANEA: I’ve 8een lying low for quite a while now. Gathering inform8tion, drawing conclusions, revising and perfecting plans... All of which will certainly prove invalua8le for you all in your current predicament! ARANEA: It really is a shame you’ve landed yourselves in such a 8ind! It was ultim8ly inevita8le, 8ut unfortun8 all the same. ARANEA: Isn’t it lucky, then, that I’m here to put this tr8n 8ack on its tracks?

Im gonna die from salt poisoning help

PORRIM: SIGH...

SIGH...

PORRIM: If yo+u have any interest in keeping that pro+mise o+f yo+urs, I suggest yo+u skip the preamble.

Thank you Porrim. I’m trying to find somebody to latch onto here, but everybody is starting problem’s n s t uf f . 

Everybody looks so

VRISKA: Hold the fucking phone! Why should we listen to ANYTHING you have to say?

YOU sHOULDN’T

VRISKA: Your track record isn’t exactly stellar! And from what I’m seeing right now, you haven’t learned from your colossal fuckup one iota!

WOAH, VASKA... who the hell says iota????

VRISKA: I have a8solutely ZERO interest in letting the same washed up has-8een whose mess *I* had to clean up waltz up here and act like she’s my goddamn s8vior!!!!!!!

YEAH TELL HER VRISKA! EVEN THOUGH IM PREEETTY SURE YOU DID NOTHING AND TEREZI DID EVERYTHING...

And, oh god my memory of the timelines and stuff are getting me confused. I’m sure I’m probably wrong about this, but y’know what I’m gonna talk about it anyways. Would this Vriska really even know about Aranea? I mean, she didn’t die, so... maybe just in her dreams or something. or. gdi im confused.

ARANEA: Come now, Vriska. You of all people should know that there are 8etter times to choose for throwing hissyfits!

This isn’t a HISSYFITS. This is clear and rational thought. And I don’t get w hY NOBODY ELSE IS QUESTIONING THESE THINGS.

ARANEA: And 8esides, what a8out your little plan? We can all pl8nly see how well that turned out. You were smacked down just as unceremoniously as I was, so don’t act as if you’re suddenly the only person who can pull their own w8 around here.

Yeah, but you know what? Her plan didn’t revolve around dooming EVERYBODY. Her plan had essence of COMPETENCE.

ARANEA: You may 8e incredibly stu88orn, 8ut you can’t 8e so foolish as to dismiss common sense purely for the s8ke of your ego. I’m your 8est shot at m8king it out of this alive. While your army was 8eing eradic8ed, I was 8usy uncovering the truth. ARANEA: If you would just allow me to expl8n, perhaps you could finally reg8n your wits and 8e a8le to focus on what TRULY matters.

oh god i hate her h e l p.

pLEASE.. DOUBle DEATh HER.

VRISKA: I already HAVE my wits! And I was just a8out to use them to whip this 8unch of losers into sh8pe 8efore YOU and your 8loated delusions of grandeur showed up! ARANEA: Is that what you were a8out to do? I never would have guessed. Considering from my perspective, you were in the middle of some sort of mental 8reakdown 8rought on 8y 8eing utterly incapa8le of comprehending the magnitude of your own failure!

At least she DAMAGED HIM. SHE INFLICTED SOME FORM OF HARM TO THE UNKILLABLE GOD TRYING TO FUCK THEM OVER. You literally just got everybody killed with no positive result, you cannot claim that you are A N Y better than her.

ARANEA: If you had been p8ying attention, you might have t8ken note of when I mentioned that this outcome was inevita8le. There was hardly anything I could have done to prevent it. YOU, on the other hand... ARANEA: The mishap with your dice could easily have 8een avoided if you had simply realized how thoroughly outmatched you were. Did you actually try your little luck-stealing trick on LORD ENGLISH?

FIRST THE  F U C K OF ALL... If this outcome was inevitable, then that literally makes EVERYBODY IN PARADOX SPACE JUST AS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS DISASTER. NNGH YOU CANNOT PIN THIS ON VRISKA JUST TO MAKE YOURSELF LOOK BETTER

VRISKA: Yeah! I did!!!!!!!! That’s kind of what I DO? VRISKA: 8ut... it didn’t WORK. ARANEA: Tsk, tsk. Of course it didn’t. Lord English is hardly on the same level as the 8lack king, or the myriad low-level imps, hapless trolls, and pitiful ghosts from which you’d previously acquired your ill-gotten fortune. Your a8ilities aren’t even close to developed enough to stand a chance against such an opponent! ARANEA: 8ut say, I think that perhaps we can strike a deal. We all know that time has 8een kinder to me in that I’ve had enough of it to refine my powers considera8ly. 8etween the two of us, I am clearly the superior Hero of Light.

. . . . . . . . F U C K Y O U .

Can’t deal with this. Can’t TAKE this girl’s superiority complex.

God im turning into the human equivallent of a salt shaker.

VRISKA: Oh, yeah. Sure. 8ecause I’m totally interested in whatever 8ogus “deal” you have to offer. Especially when you phrase it like THAT! ARANEA: And yet you don’t deny truth of my words. A smart choice. VRISKA: Are you going to w8ste time gloating, or actually get to the point?! ARANEA: My point is that I would 8e more than happy to lend you my services. Allow you to maximize your potential in a more... expedient fashion, given the sizea8le constraints we are currently under. ARANEA: All you would have to do is ask nicely. May8e even apologize for raising your voice? A little more respect and deference would 8e appreci8ed as well. ARANEA: What do you say? A deal is a deal? ::::)

GOD. DAMN IT I CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS. I REALLY REALLY R E A L L Y HATE HER. NOBODY WANTS YOUR HELP. Oh god this is turning into the worst liveblog ever, B U T SERIOUSLY I HATE HER AND THAT IS LITERALLY ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT RIGHT NOW.

VRISKA: How a8out this: I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP!!!!!!!!

YEs. PRECISELY 

OHFUCKHIKANKRI

KANKRI: *PHWEEEEEEEET!!!*

...

O k you know what. For once, I’m actually happy about Kankri existing. That fuckfest needed to end.

And jesus. I need to calm myself down.

Oh god poor Mituna is freaking out.

KANKRI: I think that is QUITE en9ugh 9f that f9r n9w. While I n9rmally endeav9r t9 enc9urage c9nstructive de6ate in the interest 9f inf9rming the ign9rant masses, this argument has 6ec9me far t99 pr96lematic f9r me t9 all9w it t9 c9ntinue!

Gdi I haven’t even read it yet, but it already hurts to look at.

Alright. So yeah, this is getting out of hand and he’s putting a stop to it with his space jesus powers.

KANKRI: There isn’t nearly en9ugh time f9r me t9 g9 9ver all 9f the deeply distur6ing c9mments disparaging n9t 9nly the magically disadvantaged, 6ut the mentally challenged, which I have just 69re witness t9. S9 I will settle with 6riefly chastising y9u 69th f9r y9ur cavalier disregard 9f y9ur inherent privilege, and enc9urage y9u to 6e m9re aware 9f h9w the nature 9f y9ur w9rds might affect the very imp9rtant feelings 9f pe9ple that aren’t here.

And people that ARE here. Like, you know. The mentally challenged Mituna right behind you. Though I’m pretty sure you’re speech his having a worse affect on him than they are. Also, how the hell did they even offend any mentally challenged people??

LATULA: ummmmmm, l1k3, not to b3 UN-r4d or wh4t3v3r, b3c4us3 th4t 1s TOT3S not my styl3, LATULA: but m1tun4 1s l1k3, R1GHT h3r3??

Thank you Latula, the poor guy is dying at all these words.

KANKRI: He is?

Oh my god Kankri, seriously? Were you too busy ogling at Latula to realize that their were handicapped people who needed defending in the area?

MITUNA: 1 H4T3 Y0UR FUCK1NG W157L3 KANKRI: 9h. Right, 9f c9urse. My mistake. Ap9l9gies, Mituna. I h9pe y9u d9n’t mind that I have taken it up9n myself t9 help speak 9n y9ur behalf, c9nsidering y9ur vari9us issues with speaking at all.

kANKRI. that is not how you speak to handicapped people. Is he just salty that he’s dating Latula? Yeah. he’s totally salty about latula.

MITUNA: UM KANKRI: Exactly. Y9u’ve 6een rendered n9n-ver6al 6y the sens9ry 9verl9ad caused 6y all this unnecessary sh9uting. Which makes the wh9le thing w9rse, really. Right, Mituna? MITUNA: WHY 4R3 7HR33 S0 M4NY W0RD5 MITUNA: 175 4LL MITUNA: 8UZZ1NG LATULA: dont worry 4bout 1t b4b3! 1ts 4lmost ov3r. MITUNA: 5H0U71NG 4ND MITUNA: 5TUP1D 8ULG3 WH1FF1NG WH157L35 MITUNA: FUCK

Latula is literally the best supportive girlfriend. Is she gonna cover his ears for him next?

KANKRI: Even m9re sincere ap9l9gies, Mituna. Even if the use 9f the whistle was vital in the c9nstructi9n 9f y9ur safe space, I understand that it did upset y9u and that y9ur feelings 9n the matter are valid. KANKRI: 6ut thankfully, and despite the unf9rtunate side effects, it did its j96 9f helping 6ring every9ne t9 their senses. KANKRI: Really, this wh9le thing c9uld have 6een av9ided if y9u 69th had just listened t9 P9rrim's advice. PORRIM: O+h. PORRIM: Kanny, did yo+u just... AGREE with me fo+r o+nce? KANKRI: ... KANKRI: I 6elieve I have asked y9u several times n9w n9t t9 call me that!

what has this devolved into? What is this BICKERING. Can anybody remain on the same page for more than two sentences? Honestly, I’m surprised Lord English hasn’t just killed them all yet.

AND HERE THESE TWO ARE, indifferent as always.

SOLLUX: (well.) SOLLUX: (this is pr0bably the worst clusterfuck i have ever had the f0rtune 0f n0t seeing.) SOLLUX: (are y0u sure we can’t just leave?) SOLLUX: (as if whichever smug fuck that ends up running the idi0t brigade is g0ing to s0lve 0ur impending d00m. it’s alm0st starting t0 feel like the wh0le pirate crew bullshit all 0ver again.) SOLLUX: (except s0meh0w even m0re 0f a catastr0phe.)

Sollux, there’s one thing you’re forgetting. The pirate ship was a disaster, yes. but now you have one KEY FACTOR that will lead you all to victory. The power of F R I E N D S H I P. Can’t you just feel all the good vibes radiating off of these assholes?

ARADIA: (we cant go yet sollux!) ARADIA: (i have no intention of leaving) ARADIA: (and while i understand why you may want to this time it really is somewhat imperative that you stay) ARADIA: (we all have a part to play in the preservation of reality) ARADIA: (a mission which is even more critical now than it has ever been!)

Alright, so this team’s objective “SAVE REALITY” Team lilypad’s objective “DONT.. DIE” Team Lowas’s objective “THERAPIZE ERISOL”

SIMPLE ENOUGH.

oh god i just remembered Calliope already died and that’s s A  D ...

SOLLUX: (ugh. really?) ARADIA: (yes!) SOLLUX: (s0 i’m like. imp0rtant s0meh0w?) ARADIA: (does it help you feel better to think about it like that?) SOLLUX: (... kind 0f? bizarrely en0ugh.) SOLLUX: (where did that c0me fr0m all 0f a sudden?) ARADIA: (i couldnt possibly tell you) ARADIA: (but what i can tell you is that i think this brief setback will be over soon) SOLLUX: (fine, if y0u say s0.)

All setbacks can be overcome with enough  TIME. HAHA.... TIME JOKE. The hell am i doing with my life.

Oh shit is Davepeta here to drop some calm bombs on the group?

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < man this is just getting sad DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < but guess i oughta toss my two cents into this clusterfuck DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < beclaws honestly i KIND of agr33 with vwiskers a little? DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < my subconscious is clawing at me that we totally cant trust aranea at all ever

THANK, you. 

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < cause shes seriously bad news DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < i dont have any real concrete memories or anything to support it but DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < i dunno! thats just how i f33l DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < meow on the other paw DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < we kind of are in some purrty hot water DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < and i ALSO have the conflicting f33ling that whatever info she has fur us will be impurrtant DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < so if anything we should just hear her out DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < so long as you dont try to pull anything fishy!!

SIGH... I G U E S S. It still feels horrible to even let her get a word in, just because she’s literally gonna act like every useful information she gives is worth everything, and they have no right to blame her for anything.

ARANEA: Er... ARANEA: Thank you for the endorsement. And the warning, I suppose. ARANEA: If there won’t 8e any further interruptions? MEENAH: yeah sure fine whatever MEENAH: but u beta believe im gonna be gilling you later ARANEA: I look forward to it.

I’m gonna hope that was a fish pun, and what she meant was ‘killing’

TAVROS: i THINK VRISKA LOOKS LIKE, sHE IS READY TO STOP SHOUTING, TAVROS: sO WE CAN BEGIN LISTENING, TAVROS: wHICH IS GOOD, bECAUSE I AM VERY CURIOUS, TAVROS: eSPECIALLY SINCE, i SORT OF, aLWAYS LIKED YOUR STORIES, aRANEA, TAVROS: wHEN THEY DIDN’T RUN TOO LONG, aNYWAY,,,

N O B O D Y A S K E D Y O U  T A V R O S

putthatfuckingsmileaway

ARANEA: Don’t worry, Tavros. I will try and keep this as 8rief as possible. ARANEA: While also ensuring all vital inform8tion and context is provided, of course. ARANEA: Now, allow me to 8egin...

...gjdkgfignjfij

conflicting feelings about everything here. Alright. WELL, that is the end of this update. you can listen to my whine a bunch on the next part. SO. yeah.

[togcpi]

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?it’d be weird because i’m ace but i wouldnt mind tbh

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed? we’re close friends. it was a recent kiss so?

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care? like heroin or meth? probably. but like pot or smth idc.

4. Is your last name longer than six letters? yes. its seven letters.

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober? drunk

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up? every conversation i have hahahaha

7. What does your last received text say? miss u too

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed? fuck if i know

9. Where was your last kiss at? my bed

10. When is the last time you saw your sister? don’t have a sister

11. What do you drink in the morning? typically an energy drink

12. Where did you sleep last night? the extra bed

13. Do you think relationships are hard? yeah, but the right one is worth it, IF you can make it work

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you? yeah, i’d probably make myself more clear

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems? nah, we’d have a lot of fun

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy? warm and thunderstorming

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you? nah. i know a lot of people with elise as their middle name and i knew a girl who’s first name was serenity, but no one’s got the MIDDLE name serenity

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants? sweatpants

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now? damn hopefully

20. Does anyone like you? i think so

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S? ya.

22. Is the last person you kissed gay? yes lmao

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand? there are a couple

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo? i have two and i’m working on saving up for my third so yes

25. In the past week have you cried? i’ve gotten teary eyed but i havent cried cried in like a year lmao

26. What breed was the last dog you saw? on tv: pitbull. irl: whatever the fuck my weirdo mutt is

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower? out of

28. Have you ever kissed a football player? nah

29. Do you think you’re old? nope im a baby

30. Do you like text messaging? yes cause then i can ghost if i need to

31. What type of day are you having? it was fine

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? i have my septum pierced and i’ve had my nostril so yes

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather? warm

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you? oh yeah, my two best friends are both dudes

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling? my ace ass? take a guess.

36. Are you a simple or complicated person? depends on the day

37. What song are you listening to? i’m watching homeward bound

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it? yes, i rarely apologize without meaning it 39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you? lmao nah.  40. What made you start liking the person you like now? idk she’s funny as hell. fucking gorgeous. she reciprocated. she’s always been too good for me, and that just made me want to be good enough for her all the more.  41. When did you last receive a text message? 11:37 pm (an hour and 13 minutes ago) 42. What is wrong with you right now? lmao i’m stuck on someone who loves me but isn’t healthy enough to be with me. it’s a fucking mess. 43. How well do you know the last female you texted? pretty well! we dated. we’ve gotten closer since we broke up. there’s a lot i don’t know, but we tell each other things we don’t tell anyone else. 44. Does anyone disgust you? lmao yah 45. Would you date someone right now if they asked? bitch yes 46. Are you in a good mood right now? not really i have a headache 47. Who was the last person you talked to in person? my brother i think 48. What color shirt are you wearing? a grey redford shirt (support your local psp by checking out our signature brand of dog food, comparable to taste of the wild and blue buffalo but at a more affordable price :~)) 49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear? nah not really 50. Anyone you’re giving up on? i’m fucking trying 51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? no. i’m in love with her ass.

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t? ......... 53. Do you like rain? yes 54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks? considering i’m not a controlling, abusive piece of shit, no lmao 55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them? nah i usually end up telling the person 56. Do you like to cuddle? yes on a good day. i actually prefer to have my hair played with tho 57. Are you shy? nah 58. Do you get along with girls? yes  59. Have you dated the person you texted last? yes 60. What do you carry with you at all times? my cell phone, my wallet with my keys, my smile :) 61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you? fuck yeah. i got loans to pay off shit 62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months? with the right person, yes 63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship? oct 31, yah 64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute? FUCK yes 65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week? i mean my cat’s been chillin and that’s always cute. love ha.

66. How old are the last three people you kissed? 18, 19, and 19

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself? if i have money to spend, pay to get em done    68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print? neither the fuck 69. Do you have any stickers on your car? i had a “stop bigotry” anti trump sticker but someone stole it :(     70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne? neither     71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone? iphone     72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut? a couples weeks ago    73. Do you like diet soda? FUCK no. the saccharine is just as bad for you as the sugar and it makes me jittery AND it tastes disgusting    74. What color are the walls in your room? green. ugly.    75. Are you 16 or older? yes    76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars? no    77. Do you have a job? yes      78. What are your initials? esb    79. Did you ever have braces? nah    80. Are you from the south? im from va which is technically south but i dont count it :/   

81. What does your last status on facebook say? let’s MCFREAKIN LOSE IT (about my mitski concert tickets)    82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed? kinda but not really. we talked about trying to date again but then she disappeared off the face of the planet lmao    83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad? used to be dad, but i haven’t seen him since like feburary cause he’s a mess. so its mom.    84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics? no    85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters? get out i think. or rogue one. whatever came out later.    86. Do you smoke? socially    87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops? flip flops     88. Is your phone touch screen? yah    89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly? however it combs out (wavy ish)    90. Have you ever snuck out of your house? no my mom dgaf if i leave    91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool? pool. i do not fuck with bodies of water other than the ocean, pools, and bathtubs.     92. Have you ever made out in a car? yes    93. …Had sex in a car? no    94. Are you single or in a relationship? who the fuck knows.    95. What were you doing last night at midnight? idr the fcuk     96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks? probably fourth of july last year     97. Do you like the camera on your phone? yeah its fine     98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits? no    99. Have you ever passed out from drinking? no    100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate? idts    101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? yeah but like a fake one. i thought it was divine conception or whatever. i’m a lesbian lmao    102. Name your favorite Kesha song: tik tok    103. Do you have any tan lines right now? nah idts    104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts? for money or laughs, yes probably  

[s3venpounds]

1-104

YA CHEEKY LITTLE CUNT love you tho because its always fun to do these asks even though everyone who reads will probs forget all these details in like the span of a week.

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?

wanna go again?

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?

nothing anymore

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?

depends on what drugs, the severity of the side effects, the cost of said drugs, and how addicted they are to it. like if its weed sure go ahead long as it isn’t around me not a big fan of the smell. crystal meth however i would probably be turned off or just attempt to get them off it. over the counter drugs though is fine too.

4. Is your last name longer than six letters? yep

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober? sober

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA yes. horribly messed up. still think about it tbh

7. What does your last received text say? “ well i think you can just wax with whatever length but it wont be able to cling to your hair well”

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed? lost count too busy being happy at the time

9. Where was your last kiss at? a bus stop

10. When is the last time you saw your sister? yesterday

11. What do you drink in the morning? nothing. i dont wake up in the morning

12. Where did you sleep last night? my couch because its fucking comfier than my bed

13. Do you think relationships are hard? most def. wouldn’t have it any other way though. 

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you? yeah

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?

yeah, the fact we haven’t talked in months, and because i’m pretty sure she wants nothing to do with me lol

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy? rainy, free shower

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you? dont got a middle name so i guess yes?

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants? boxing shorts 

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now? ahahaha no.

20. Does anyone like you? trust me, if i knew i would do something about it

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S? its rude to say but i don’t remember but from what i do remember its a no

22. Is the last person you kissed gay? not gay specifically at least from what i’ve been told by said person

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand? 3 people specifically. not gonna name them

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo? multiple times, talked to tattoo artists, people who had multiple tattoos, people who are first timers so yeah i want one maybe 5

25. In the past week have you cried? yeah anime hurts the feels bro

26. What breed was the last dog you saw?does pictures on tumblr count? if yes, a shiba inu, if no, golden retriever

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower? out of the shower, i feel like im gonna slip and fall if i stay in there too long

28. Have you ever kissed a football player? yeah he doesn’t use lip balm often so it was kinda rough

29. Do you think you’re old? yeah

30. Do you like text messaging? most def. i like texting more than talking since i can think about my words and play it off as just “ yeah i was busy” also i find myself a better conversationalist on texts than in person

31. What type of day are you having? a shitty one but i showered so im feeling refreshed at least

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? nope, i have thought about getting spider bites on my lower lip but i dont think i can pull it off

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather? cold weather, i hate bugs and indoor volleyball is nice

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?yeah

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling? a relationship. flings hurt afterwards and to me theres no feelings behind it so youre left feeling empty

36. Are you a simple or complicated person? i wanna say simple but everyone knows everyones complicated. if someones simple that just means theyre not letting off everything at the get go

37. What song are you listening to? lie to me george nozuka

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it? of course i do. does it mean i wont make the same mistake? nope. it just means i’ll take steps to preventing it from happening again. if it happens again then ill keep trying. all you can do when you fuck up is to just keep trying to prevent it from happening again. 39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you? i’d like to think so40. What made you start liking the person you like now?vibrant personality that draws you in. playful demeanor. likes geeky things like i do. has deep thoughts that make me want to ponder existence with them. likes physical intimacy. and the first thought when i saw her was that i wanted to protect her, care for her, and guide her in life if ever she needs help. 41. When did you last receive a text message? 8:43 am monday42. What is wrong with you right now? im not independent? i rely on friends and other stuff to grant me happiness when really the only source of happiness i can rely on if to draw it from myself. friends help but they can’t be the only source. i have trouble moving on from past issues, constantly weighed down by past decisions and mistakes when i should have passed it a long time ago.43. How well do you know the last female you texted? not very well however she knows me very well since i vent to her lol44. Does anyone disgust you? yeah the same 3 people i mentioned that i cannot stand.45. Would you date someone right now if they asked? most likely yeah46. Are you in a good mood right now? nope. neutral if anything47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?me mother before she left for a bus shuttle to fort mac48. What color shirt are you wearing? nude. no plans today, or guests so that means no pants, no shirt and occasionally if im feeling happy enough, no underwear either49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear? not recently. i have a feeling that i’ve given off the vibe to all my friends that they have to tip toe around me about a lot of topics else they’ll make me sad. i’d rather a splash of cold water in the face than some shitty lie50. Anyone you’re giving up on? myself mostly.51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? i never hate the people i used to date. i hate the decisions i made that lead to breaking up. i tend to think things are never someone else’s fault but more of mine. even if by some weird chance it wasn’t i would twist it so it was my fault. its just easier for everyone that way if people have a scapegoat.

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t? yeah.53. Do you like rain? i love it. sometimes on rare occasions i can almost feel the shitty person inside me just kinda slide off my skin and drip off the tips of my fingers and i feel … complete? is the best way i can put it54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks? nope. party all you like, im just not too keen on drinking very often or partying very often. although when i do party ill party hard.55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them? who hasnt?56. Do you like to cuddle? love it. spooning, arm on shoulder, hugging from behind, them sitting on your lap, them holding you from behind. my skin feels electric when the person i love has their skin against mine.57. Are you shy? i’d like to say im not58. Do you get along with girls? i’d like to say i do59. Have you dated the person you texted last? not going to lie hahah i considered it at some point60. What do you carry with you at all times? phone, wallet , keys.61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you? yeah most likely. the economy sucks bro.62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months? yeah assuming i dont fuck up lol63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?nope. sadly.64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute? DAMN STRAIGHT.  shit would be like a good luck charm65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week? my niece tried to say duck and instead said fuck

66. How old are the last three people you kissed? probably going to get some questionable looks from this but 16, 24, 21

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself? pay for a pro, i am NOT an artistic person.   68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?    zebra. black and white. leopard print makes me think a white 40 something year old with plastic surgery, hair thats half a meter tall and nails that are longer than most men’s penises talking with a southern belle accent that tries to hit on pool boys69. Do you have any stickers on your car? none70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne? i hate country and im not a fan of lil wayne anymore so i guess lil wayne if i absolutely have to.71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone?    android 72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?    couple days ago?73. Do you like diet soda?    hate it. feels fake to me74. What color are the walls in your room?    boring beige75. Are you 16 or older?    yes.76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?    heard of it, seen gifs, dont plan on watching it77. Do you have a job?    as of now yeah.  78. What are your initials?    SM79. Did you ever have braces?  nope.  i had retainers but i kept breaking them so my parents were like okay thats enough, its too expensive to replace them lol80. Are you from the south?  im about as north as you can get without living in igloos

81. What does your last status on facebook say?    “day barely started and 4 things putting me in a shitty mood. looks liek today is gonna be loooooooooong”82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?    i wish.83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?    mother. although im not on good terms with either of them. my mother just has more patience to deal with me84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?   i did pom squad which was a pretty shitty version of cheerleading i guess. 85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters? beauty and the beast i thoroughly enjoyed it =]    86. Do you smoke?  weed or cigarettes? either one ive stopped both. not worth it, plus i dislike smelling gross.87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?    i’ve worn heels before but not for a prolonged period of time but they felt nice so i’d say hells. flip flops keep making annoying sounds and it makes me grind my teeth thinking about it88. Is your phone touch screen?    yes89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?    straight. i’d love it to be a bit curly. i even permed my hair last year apparently it looked good says some friends of mine.90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?    i snuck out last night lol. the family gave up on stopping me.91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?    pool. rivers and lakes have the possibility of germs, leeches or other shit. its a hassle to have to take extra precautions92. Have you ever made out in a car?    yep.93. …Had sex in a car?    almost.94. Are you single or in a relationship?   single. 95. What were you doing last night at midnight?    playing overwatch with my friend reo.96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?    AW COME THE FUCK ON. the last relationship questions weren’t enough to jab a knife in my chest but this too? fuck. whatever. it was at capital ex or k- days whatever the fuck you wanna call it. i had fun. the fireworks wasn’t the only thing that sparked. fuck. instant bad mood.97. Do you like the camera on your phone? yeah its really good. i can take pictures of my friends and even see the condition of their pores and shit its pretty nice.   98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?    nope. i’d like to try it though99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?    not yet.100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?  yeah. i should really just delete my facebook.  101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?  nope.  102. Name your favorite Kesha song:    Die young103. Do you have any tan lines right now?    nope.104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts? sure why not. i’d probs wear assless chaps too if i had a nice ass

[frailmaleego]

Life.

I feel it necessary to document some of the things I have been through in the last year or so up until now. 

Today is 4.26.2017 and I am living with my boyfriend in the suburbs of Atlanta. 

I left sometime in August 2016. in that time I have managed to lose touch with my mother and grandmother. Both of them are selfish and petty and I have decided to remove myself from the toxic environment. I am incapable of being sober and my mental illness is literally self medicated with anything I can get my hands on. Namely, meth and prescription pills. 

Well I am in a toxic and mentally abusive relationship with a possessive controlling boyfriend, he keeps me sober and he tolerates all the difficulty that comes with it. Most days we get along with minor bickering. Other days we push eachother and physically get in each others faces. It usually ends with me threatening to leave him and him trying to calm me down.

Needless to say I think I have made myself clear that all my closest relationships with my loved ones are something awful.

My best friend, the only consistent figure in my life that I have always been close to and understands me .. he lives In California and deals with the same toxic shit I face when I live there. Sex, Drugs, and fucked up family. We both understand eachother because we both deal with the same hurt. 

I really miss him. 

My sister lives out here. She actually moved here a week before I came back. She is not someone I’d spend alot of time with. We don’t spend alot of time together and never have really been close. But she is the only person in my family I keep in touch with.

I’m really glad she is here. I don’t know if I would be okay here without her. 

My job I am at, I was fortunate to find when I first got out here. It took me a month to find employment. In the beginning it was full time, then it became part time and then it became my boss trying to find things for me to do. I sit there most days and complete menial tasks that she could easily complete in five minutes. So she has me making cold calls to lists made 5 years ago, the numbers are disconnected, they are out of business or they just dont want to hear what im selling. 

So I have started applying to jobs at every opportunity. The rejection emails keep pouring in. But there was one job that I was excited about. Its new and its very much unconventional. And I just received a job offer for it this evening. 

I didnt mention that I have 900 dollars in traffic fines due to driving uninsured and speeding. But I have been living paycheck to paycheck and relying on my boyfriend im sure more than he’d like me to. 

I cant express how excited at the opportunity to be working full time again and making more money than before. 

I hope my relationship with him improves and the stress is lifted even a little bit. Because we both deserve better than what we give eachother. and I both love him and cannot stand him. Maybe This is be the opportunity I need to take advantage of to make things better for the both of us. 

[somedaypast-thesunset]

im honestly so much better than i thought i was. 

like you have no idea whats going on when ur in the war. you dont know who youre shooting at, what the fuck is happening, who you are - you have no idea. and in this war you go through shit that is like unbearable in some ways and you do it and you dont know how and at the end of the day when its all over youre just left with this massive action that formed every thought you now have and you dont know what any of it really meant. 

but like i have beat myself up for time for not being super amazing totally together. like i dont have a job. my work experience is small. my depression is heavy, heavy, heavy. 

but what i needed to see was someone else who has felt this same loss. i needed a comparison to know that i wasnt as fucked up. even though i lived through all the shit i lived through, even though my mother was dead by the time i was 20, even though my dad died 5 years later - i’ve never been on such levels. 

does that mean im heartless? i dont think so. clearly i am very bothered by these deaths and massive losses in my life. its something i think about everyday all day. but i have dealt with serious ptsd for like.. a decade. 

and i never cracked.

and then on top of this i continued to take huge abuse after the intial trauma stopped about my trauma. and i never cracked. 

no. listen. 

i have no idea how i am here today. i have no idea how there is a man downstairs on heroin kicking the walls and thats not me. how is that not me. i have felt such pain. i have felt such sorrow. but never have i been such a person. literally my worst moments the deepest darkest moments last maybe 10 hours. not because im not prone or i dont feel it as strongly. i feel it so strongly. ive felt all the worst feelings. i feel like im 50 years old bro. its not even just like dead ppl. i saw toooooooooooooooooooooooo much. i know tooooooooooooooo much. 

what is it inside of me that has kept me from making this worse for myself. I COULDVE HAD A BABY. do you know how easy it is to do THAT. its easier to make a baby than buy drugs, really. i couldve had like.. multiple babies. like i look at people and im like omg that couldve been me. and not even like.. oh im better than them its like omg if it wasnt for this like one fucking difference between me an them, i would be that. i would be them. i would have children and do meth an like ...

how in the helllllllll did i do this? this man within two months of a death is so distraught by his grief he cannot function as human towards other. yall i didnt even get drunk. i didnt have time to get drunk. i had real life responsibilities towards myself and other people. while living with a total piece of shit who put holes in my wall. okay. my father dies and im living alone now with a man who put holes in my fathers walls. i try to break up like a week before and i cant because my dad is still in the hospital and everything is so crazy because like we know this man is dieing. 

have you ever watched a man die? have you ever WATCHED a man die? have you ever in your life watched a grown ass man choose to die in human excrement in diapers cant stand cant walk - have you ever in your life watched that?

my ex did. twice. and i had to have that man arrested and to this day i feel guilt about having to do that because he had to experience this trauma as well and he had to handle it however he was going to handle it and he couldnt handle it either. 

i imagine its like the same when you watch someone die of cancer in some ways. like not the exact because theres no choice with cancer. but i guess the question why remains. why did cancer have to befall you. why does cancer exist. why does cancer have to kill you. 

depression killed both of my parents and both of my parents lived with it for AT LEAST 40 years (my father probably longer).both of my parents chose not to do hard drugs. my dad was a very light alcoholic if you could call him one at all - he drank sincerely recreationally but it became a crutch to deal with everything else.

and i even get having the most important person you knew die. and do you understand that i know this so well that i even understand that right now you think that no one else “gets” how important this person was to you. how mighty an great they were because when a very important and beloved person to you dies there is so little room for the negative even though it can rear its head. 

my parents shaped everything i am to this day. they are dead and i absolutely live in the exact EXACt same lifestyle i lived in when they were alive. i changed absolutely nothing about myself in my grief. it has only been literally this year where i have been like okay. its time. and with my mother ... i dint. i i kept a giant GIANT wooden piece of shit box for these people as a symbol of respect when sometimes i really hate them sooo much and i am soooooo angry with them. 

sometimes i forget that im about to be 30 because i feel 15. i feel like when i woke up at 15 except now i am living my nightmares. everyday. and i still wake up everyday, i still try and instead of going batshit insane i took the time to truly explore how i felt about these people and the things that happened to me. instead of just crying about it and being sad and oh no hes dead it was like i knew there was a solution. and i think in some ways its true about my inplanted addiction to instant gratification. an i say this because i did it to myself by using the internet and other things (weed) to instantly satisfy boredom and anger an sadness. what i wanted at the time was to instantly solve how i felt. both times. and not like just make it go away but to “overcome” grief. like i would be enlightened by the grief and oh you know - my mother, shes found her peace now. my father, no longer suffering. its all supposed to happen its all alright. 

and i guess i also in this moment dont want to lie to myself - at 19 i was really unenlightened. at 19 i think i acted ... u know, im having a moment. and its not lke a deep one but i think for like.. maybe 8 years or so i kind of disregarded my ex’s feelings at the time. everything i felt overshadowed it and i kind of gloss over how i cheated on him but “didnt cheat” because i “broke up with him before i di anything” even though i 100% cheated on him. like i spoke the words of breaking up to him before i physically involved myself but it was like a plan between me and this fucking dude sooooooooo its really low and this is like so much shame in my life. i hold so much shame an regret over my actions that i just quickly tell this part of the story of my ex but its pretty bad. and then questionably bad things happened afterwards due to both of our immaturity and insecurities. my life was fucked before she died but i cannot fully say i never hurt someone. i cant say that. thats such a lie to myself. in my grief i did in fact hurt someone else. i disregarded another person and like its soooooooooooooooo hard for me to give any leverage to my mother. like she never made me feel or do anything fuck her. but my main abuser in life died. a person i saw like.. everyday of my life until i was 16. she was soooo important to everything i am today and to be really fair - i’m probably still fucked up because i absolutely refuse to deal with what she did. like i dont want to relive it any more than i already do even though you have to through it to overcome it. 

i smoke weed uner the influence of my father and i think i smoke weed for the same reason he drank - my mother is the reason i smoke weed. for the most part. like im really haunted by my father sometimes but i became so accustomed to this weird life with him that i mostly have like a culture shock where i realize other people didnt do this and then i get over it. sometimes i think about what he looked like when he slept and how it looked like he was dead. sometimes i picture the foot rotting off his body. recently ive pictured the blackheads on his back. they were really bad but not in like im traumatized way - my mother picked at his blackheads and i started doing it an its just a weird gross probably semi normal thing so like even though i have these images sometimes of my fathers illness what i am most haunted by is the words my mother put into my brain. i was brainwashed. i feel brainwashed. and sometimes i repeat scenarios she did. sometimes i do things she did and not like a nostalgic oh i have my mothers traits but like sometimes i lie. sometimes i tell lies. sometimes i have told lies to be able to get someones attention or pity. like not often at all. not even a handful of times in my life have i done this. very spread out. its not common. and its so shameful but i saw my mother do it and she did it pretty well and people would feel sorry for her and give her attention and it wasnt good or deserved in anyway but it worked.

sometimes. sometimes i have exaggerated illnesses. sometimes i have downplayed symptoms i am having. and i do this i think because i was trained to do this. my mother told me i was sick, she told me the symptoms and it was all repeated from there. i have been extremely lucky to have like no major medical issues since i was a child. i have never had to deal with anything happening because im actually pretty physically healthy outside of the toll depression takes on my body. i coud of course quit smoking but i dont have lung issues. i was told i had asthma for 13 years. we had to move. we had to fucking move bro because i had “asthma” and i had to take the inhalers and of course man of course it wasnt ust inhalers it was the fucking plastic tube that somehow made it better you held between the inahler and your mouth. 

to bare it all - i dont even know if im allergic to pine. my mother said i was allergic to pine so no more real christmas trees but what if this bitch was doing it to me. ive never had like extensive exposure to these trees since then. who the fuck knows.

why is it - okay. when i go to the hospital they ask me allergies and i repeat verbatim the same thing my mother said to every doctor i ever met, “sulpha, pencillion, amoxicillin and codiene” 

tell me why as a child i frequently had penicillin and at no point in my memory was there like some reaction upon taking this. and everyone remembers it. we all know the banana flavoured medience. and i remember taking it so many times an then suddenly i didnt  and suddenly it was apart of this list and like maybe i developed an allergy but what if she just decided? how did she find out i was allergic to these other things? i am REPEATING A MANTRA by a woman who nearly killed me using prescription drugs. 

i make alot of excuses. im probably lazy more than depressed because if i was sooo scared i could get tested for my allergies and know for myself. 

do you know how upsetting my birth certificate was? and it wasnt even my mothers fault, it was more my fathers fault. but all these little dumb things and its not like ths is crazy never heard of its small things that other people experience too but they hold so much weight like can someone tell me why my mother stopped spelling her name right? like shortly after my birth she no longer spelt it theresa and spelled it teresa. and i had such a moment at her funeral when i saw her name spelled right and asked why it was wrong. that she had spelled it without an h. her parents were like .. confused and appalled that i suggested she had done this an like of course her name was with an h. and fair enough guys. you are the people who named her. which means it was in my lifetime that it changed. and on legal documents even though she maintained her first real name (mary) she spelled it teresa. but these old documents and the way my father spelled it was theresa. whats in an H? like maybe im crazy right. maybe im just making a big deal out of something small but usually when something lke this occurs its because ssomeone else made the mistake and usually youre a foreigner. like someone wrote your name on an official document wrong and now thats just it. but this woman .. she went to private school like she had to have had official document before 1990. this woman made a concious choice to drop the H in her name. why? was it a choice? did she just like slip up one time and went with it for 19 years after? like did she fuck it up so majorly in some public way that she had to convince other people this is how she spelled her name.

and like its been a really long time. and i dont have a lot of these documents anymore. to be fair, i have like 7 remaining objects of my mothers. i dont even know if i have documents with her writing outside of a wedding guest book from 1980. so sometimes - sometimes she wins. sometimes i think that maybe im wrong. maybe i just think she stopped doing it but like why would i notice this? why would i think about it so much? 

sometimes i try to think really hard about her but i did such a job at blocking her out and smoking away these memories i literally cant remember more than like 10 - 20 memories of her. i spent half of my life with her. closely. and like.. i remember when i was in like grade 3 - 5 because i was walking to a certain school and i remember this is like.. no you know what. i have atleast 5 seperate memories of this and thsi in itself says something - faking sick. i faked sick religiously. and like i knew this bitch would buy it because at this point im a clever angry bitter child with no true subconcious yet. im like i know my mother will buy into sickness - thats who she is- and i wont have to go to school.

so i start the day before at bed. im coughing. im coughing really hard because of my asthma right but im not sick at all im good but im forcing these dog coughs at 2am and she wakes up and its like oh well i guess youre sick and im doing this so often i have a memory of her frustration like she almost almost knew but this was her job and now im playing games. and its like man you trained me to do this but your power was taken and now im using your training against you and all you really wanted was a sick kid. so im giving you all you wanted and none of it is real. and like im aware of this complexity at this point. even really early my father is now pissed at her and they dont trust each other. and theyre fighting about me and shes saying look at this and hes saying this is what you did. this was what my mother did to me. he knew that like i was turning cold because she was cold towards me and he knew it and he was telling her youre doing this to her stop doing this to her and she didnt so it just kept going.

in grade 10 i faked a heart problem. i freely admit this because i feel like its “okay” because it coincides with dropping out of school. but now im desperate. like im so desperate in this depression and my first year was her trying to kill herself and getting kicked out of the house and im like omg i cant do this anymore im not going to school something is going to give even though school is  a relief from home, i was starting to have all these expectations at school academically and socially and i couldnt keep up and something had to give and i couldnt get rid of my parents so i was done.

my father wanted me to “get a job” but it was like... you know. someday youre going to have to get a job. and in my own volition, once my mother had left for a year, i got a job. i was semi comfortable. on my first day of this important job my father became gravelly ill and spent like .. a month in the hospital. and im still going to work. im like 17 years old, everything has gone to shit and im still going to work. and im on the bus everyday crying to my friend that its all so fucking awful and i just want to like party and get high. 

so i started. and i spent all of my earnings on partying and getting high on mdma and k and weed. in one summer. it was like 3 grand or something which is alot of money for me in any time of my life thus far. thats the only time i ever earned a significant amount of money. 

but then i stopped. because within me i knew especially the hard drugs were beginning to do their damage to my body and i was drinking too much and i did carry it on for like a year before my ex put his foot down and i decided i didnt want to be a person in a relationship on drugs like that. we smoked weed and it was fine. 

and like on paper seperately - bratty attitude filled choices. i lied and faked an illness to get out of school, partied while my father was ill. and like i knew this. and in my early 20s i frequently reflected on these choices and actively knew i had to choose other things. was it fun? yes. was i with close loving friends? yes. was i safe? yes. was it the right thing to do? no. and i feel like if i dint make that choice back then i couldve set myself on a better path. but i gave up. i gave up and i give in for this moment and i never fully recovered, i just choose to smoke a shit ton of weed instead. i couldve learned real coping skills but i chose not to and now im almost 30 and i suck, utterly suck, at life. but it could be worse and i could be him. 

we finally spoke - no he answered the call and spoke whatever he wanted to to me still. that he couldnt deal with this and blah blah but its funny i guess as i told a friend i had said my last word were that i was not going to speak to him again. she said he mustve replied because that usually gets him. and its sad i have to resort to feeling like im not going to speak to him again to get any response. and im not being crazy and needy or whatever like you signed up to take care of someone who has major trauma surrounding this issue and you knew this. like in june im crying about how this was my parents fault. i have a whole process i have to go through over the course of my life because like i cant decide randomly one day to face this fear and anxiety. this type of issue has to come up as it will and it may not be a good time for me or anyone else but i now have to face and overcome this issue that is not just a medical problem but DIRECTLY related to my parents neglect. like every time a doctor asks how this happened how many times why has this happened this way i have to explain just the bare bones of how my parents how TWO GROWN PEOPLE thought this was okay TOGETHER and let it go. leaking blood and pus. this is like ... what this cyst has caused me in emotion and mental damage is sooo much morre than the cyst itself. the cyst is simple. knowing the neglect of it caused it to come to such a point that it has to be surgically deal with is painful. how did they fuck this up for me? and its like i couldnt just get surgery at 18. at 18 i didnt have a flare up. i have to wait for the flare up to deal and im like just dealing with it as it comes you know because its normal and i guess every few years i have to get this thing lanced thas just who i am now? i guess? but could be worse. could be wayyyy worse. like it coul be on my face, first of all. it could be like in my labia and i would have ppl touching my labia and doing things. it cou be on my actual butthole. it could reoccur every week. every month. 

eventually i got a few moments to speak a full thought and i told him it was extremely important to me to have someone capable of dealing with the worst of my anxieties and traumas before during and after this incredibly important moment i am about to face and optimistically overcome. i just know i will be very not okay about it. i know this, i did this by myself its not even like im playing it up for others like im by myself in public sobbing soo hard they cannot take proper vitals. thats how much this is for me. i will not have someone be neglectful or judgemental or take away my right to feel the way i have to feel in order to break through this. like im not taking away anything from anyone else, i’m just laying out what is require and if you can do that, then fine, but if you cant then no im not going through with this.

he made a weak argument and i explained that the last time i had to deal with major medical hospital things was my mother. so i am not okay with this and i am freaking out and this instability hes displaying completely on his own makes me question what im doing. and he continued to rattle off these excuses and started into “you want to talk about traumas, what about ...” and i just turned the phone away and waited until he was finished because you cannot tell me that im not allowed to feel any sort of ways about anything or talk about my mental illness or the things ive gone through and immediately launch into your own. there is give and take and youve already taken everything im willing to give now. he says i have to give him a straight answer because he needs stability and to figure out what hes going to do. 

.......

to live with this, i have every right to feel depressed and uncomfortable and unhappy. 

i need to begin the process of mentally letting him go. i want to feel free to talk to random people and open myself up to random people and experiences and i dont want to even think about anything with him. like honestly, there is no future with him or associated with him. he cant fix some of these things, its not going to happen. and im going to allow him and give him opportunities in the future to still be shitty to me. and future me needs to understand that this is just proof for why i have to let it go. 

and like im frustrated - in my perfect world ive abandoned this dream because ive found something better an more fulfilling to me. its so hard to abandon something without anything else. and like i get really aggravated when im in my i dont know what the fuck to do moments. and eventually i find something - anything - and i really try to put myself into it. like that becomes my new job because im trying out all these roles in life and maybe this one leads to something. like i enjoyed jewelry, a lot. but ike i wanted something bigger and grander and to be apart of something and like i guess build on the jewelry. like i went from collecting bones in a forest by myself to showing in an art gallery and going to receptions and making new friends - i like the beginning of my art career story. its glamorous and hopeful. 

and then i thought like i could be more than an artist. i could have a gallery or a studio, i could curate shows, do events - i could contribute to the arts and culture in the city and possibly resolve or find resolution for some of these issues. and i learned like.. a lot about art. i basically forced a semester of art history and basic art techniques down my throat and practiced daily. i wanted to feel knowledgable and professional and like prepared to take on the 1%

and i just lost that. like i built that for myself, by the way. thats not off the back of a man or relationship. amongst all my shit, i created a very minor artistic career. and i was / am well respected for my dedication and quality and like ... i really received a lot of praise. i got very little known hatred towards me. my shit was good enough it sort of overtook an ex friends venture an made her jealous. i was the first person in the city hands down to create a website dedicated to arts in the city. like maybe in 10 years there will be 50 more but i was the first. i was the one who knew how to do it. i left just a tiny make with my minor career. that i built. by myself. in the 5 years before and after my dads death. 

but its not that like i dont “want” to do that anymore. i think i do? but the city is not about it. the numbers to bring people out are small. the money is non existant. the quality of talent is not great. i think if i had entered a more viable scene i couldve graduated from what i was doing but as it stands its just not going to happen. and making money from art is really hard and no one respects a person who just paints unless theyre like the most amazing artist and i guess really i have nothing i want to say anymore. ive tried to express alot of things through art and things are left unfinished. im just ... not an artist like that. 

but im not even like mad at myself for it - 20s are your time to find yourself. im not an artist. and maybe i wont be a wildwoman land developer either. i know that if i could decide on something, if i could find something i actually cared about that i could achieve it. it would literally me be just saying 100% doing this and it being done soon after. no games. no waiting around. if i really wanted it i would invest everything i have into it. i know that. 

[cheesedoodlesurprise]

First Night Campaign Notes

These are done as a Journal Entry by my character, Marden, the Tiefling Alchemist.

-------------------------------------

[Since Rob bushwhacked me again and told me i was going to be starting IN sandpoint, I never bought a goddamn horse so I was walking, encumbered, all the way down the road.]

[Also, we were all separated.  Two were traveling together because they knew each other]

Walking to Sandpoint.

Trying to find recruits for the War up at the World Wound.

Been walking for days.

Weeks maybe.

Lost track of time.  This goddamn lab is HEAVY

My horse had ran off, I think it was the smell.  Been walking ever since.

A horse-drawn carriage came behind me, “driven” by a Catfolk Merchant.

The quotes are there because he was stoned, not touching the reigns, and the horses stopped all on their own.

He thought me fake, but allowed me to ride along with him, calling me Demon Man the whole time!  

[rolled a nat 20 on perception to look at the cart/him]

This cat was fucking riding along with a fucking meth kit in his cart!

This is full of Pesh!

Stopped for the night.  

Took the first Watch.  No issues.  Woke up the cat man(fuck h im, if he doesn't want to use my name...not that i have given it yet) for his watch and woke up ON MY OWN at dawn, to see that he had stayed up for the entire night staring at the fucking CART!  I told him to sleep and ‘drove’ the horses while he slept.  All the while, he was talking to me.  It is a VERY odd cat-folk.

Same Quotes. Same Reason.  These horses are weirdly prescient   

Finally got to a town called wallhole or some shit, and, of course, they didn't let us in.  I get the Stoned out Catfolk, but I was wearing a fucking house sigil!  These Southerners are fucking idiots.  How am I to rusle new blood for the Crusade when these mouthbreathers cannot understand that I am not a Demon! WHAT KIND OF DEMON WOULD JUST STROLL INTO A TOWN AS A GODDAMN DEMON!?!?!?!?!?!

Its ridiculous!

So they made us stay outside of the city.  So I moved us EXACTLY 35 feet away from gates(where none of our weapons-god i hope so-could reach them and any violence could ONLY come from their side) and the Cat gave me 5 gold for driving him while he slept, whipped out a horrible looking flute and presented it to me so we made the wildest racket we could.  

Him because he was probably still high, and me because those prudish dicks can go to hell!

I think I am beginning to like this ‘Khajiit” fellow

Disregard Last Statement!!!!!!

This fucking Idiot decided, while I was working at my portable Lab, to crawl under the cart and smoke some Pesh

UP WIND FROM THE GUARDS!!!!!!!!!!

Of course they Came to look into the matter.

Now I was left with a choice.  The horses were uncoupled.  The guards still were a ways off.

I could grab one and run for it.  

I could run off into the woods and lose them VERY easily.

I also could have Stayed to help.  

I am a von Calcifer.  We are a noble house(no matter how much scorn we may receive) and I will not run if there is another way.

...so I raised my hands, sidestepped into the middle of the road and loudly proclaimed that I had no idea what he was doing, I had only just met him and he was giving me a lift into Sandpoint.

Of course they drew their crossbows on me, but I stood firm and resolute(in not wanting ANYTHING to do with this) and let them deal with it.  They asked him what he was smoking and, I swear to all that Brigh has given us,  this cat is speaking to them in the third person and NARRATING his actions!  The Whole Time!

And the dumbest part? He tells them that it is, indeed Pesh!

While they are grilling him about what will happen to him, I notice something off.  They haven't arrested him yet.  These bastards were fleecing us!

So I put on my most polite voice and apologize and ask them about if we can be let off with a warning and these idiots outright SAY that there is a cost for warnings.  

No double speak at all

I didn't know if they were trying to entrap us so I ask “What, pray tell, would this sort of …..fine usually entail”

150 gold

A PIECE!!!!

In this shitwallow hole in a wall town!

I have been shaken down by “Paladins” for less back home!

So I paid them their 300g, bodily THREW the damn cat into the cart, and took the horses on down the road.  

This Khajiit just made himself a fine investor in his shop.  He owes me for this.  Badly.

The only real question is this: how bad should I make the interest?

--------------------------------

[And now, what the other members of the party did in this session]

-Had a nice ride into town

-stayed in the inn

-Explored the town

...son of a bitch!

[also, yes, his character IS supposed to be a Khajiit but hes a kid who has issues getting into characters and this is a good way for him to emote well.  he did an amazing job compared to the last time we played]

[unsocialspecies]

Jeffrey and his dear ol ma and pa find a sleepy little hotel in some small town on theyr way to see cousin randall up north young jeff has been against the trip from the start he says it interferes with his partying and he doesn’t really relate to people who sleep. As his parents drift off and he is left to his thoughts his mind begins to race. He finds the down time unbearable and hes nearly chewed a hole threw his tounge. Suddenly he bolts upright in bed He turns to where his parents are sleeping and yells “yo dad psssst pops where the party at?   what the hell you sleepin for are you a lazy fuckin bum or something??” His father a costumed to jeffs shenanigans calmly retorts back “Son shut your fucking mouth its 1 a.m” Damn … well I tried. Jeff says to himself as he lays back down. Thoughts of hoodrat shit le cigarettes honkey tonks and hangin with blue collar gentlemen and rollin bolo back home streak across his mind he remembers the good times digging through trash staring at radio tower lights all night with ol boy Jr all the lurpage that’s going on back at the trap without him and all the fun hes missing out on. Fuck it he swings out of bed and makes his way to the bathroom “ight pops get to sleep you lazy fuck ill be in the bathroom probably jerkin my gerkin till sunrise Oh  ill try to act surprised when you bust in at 3am to take a piss but no promises after the 4th time it loses its excitement and after the last one remember when I was trying to hit a bolo and slap my sausage at the same time well it just want the same . After that I kinda just put it off as one of those thing that happen Anyway if you ever decide to stop being lame and show some interest in the finer things in this life well you know where to find me I got the firest dope in the whole trailer park this shit will fuuuuuck your whole life it aint dope if it doesn’t make you regret all your life choices take a hit of this and you will come out of your zone 5 years later  you will notice your in an  r.v and theres pictures hanging up of you and a dog eating wedding cake together you are wearing a huge white  dress but whats this .. No it couldn’t be the dog is in a tux and you realize that dog in the picture that dog eating cake with you …That’s now your husband and that’s when it hits you … you realize how good that fucking dope was and your like duuuude im so glad my son let me party with him that night so dad in conclusion come on don’t you wanna have some good friendly fun with crystal meth . Jeffs father has become a bit triggered after hearing another weird fucking story that  probably came about from some fucked  hallucination jeff accidentally filed under reality  Jeffs dad says “Son im not and I never ever will join in on your weird fucked up activities iv seen enough I don’t want to dabble in anymore of your tweakery than I have to”              Well dad that’s on you and if those are the kind of selfish choices you want to make in life then I cant tell you what to do just remember im not mad im just disappointed now give me the wifi password so I can go set up  headquarters and get some videos buffered up its gonna be long night nuts don’t bust themselves it’s a lot of hard work and blood and sweat and tears. Jeff grabs the wifi password and locks himself in the bathroom. AHHHHH bliss I should get paid for this he chuckles to himself before getting down to business first things first he pulls out his pookie and blows the fattest cloud on record. Then its time. He is focused like hes on a mission from god. After he stretches and gets in the zone The suddle slapping of a monkey is the only noise heard throughout the night. Hours pass by but to jeff time is only made up it does not exist in his reality A thump against the door startles him out of focus and breaks the steady pattern of fapping goddamit jeff whispers . the door crashes open as his dad comes in rubs his eyes and realizes whats going on  “oh for god sake  son  your gonna rub your godamn dick off at this rate if you spent as much time collecting pennies off the ground  as you do peddlin on your pecker iv swear Iv become numb to all this shit I ll probably walk in next time and you will be bent over the sink reaching an arm back fingerboppin your asshole what do you wan… Dad …dad jeff interrupts his fathers breakdown to ask an important question  “WHAT???!!! JEFF what is it” uhhhhh I wanted to ask you if it was normal for a shaft to go numb…. Not me though my penis is healthy . Im asking for a friend. jeffs father has a distant stare on his face as he shakes his head slowly back in forth and scratches at his hair “OK YOU WIN JEFF never have I heard of anyone BOMBING THE FUGGIN universe as much as you have in one day every time I think it cant get anymore disappointing you proceed to bypass your previous shame by miles. You are the definition of a terminal illness growing like a godamn tumor. Don’t get up from your throne I wouldn’t wanna come between you and the only true passion iv ever seen you have for anything. Ill just piss outside oh and to let you in on a little something something your mom explained last night her growing dislike towards you its not about the drugs or trannies you brought to grandmas last month its “THAT stupid fucking look on your face  your always making she cant stand it   and if it continues to intrude on her life she will have to take a hammer and bash it until it caves in on itself the bright side is we can go to the Halloween store and pick you out a mask. Think of it like that show where they tear apart those shitty houses and make them look amazing…. But hey maybe it wont come to that just practice in the mirror son try really hard to not look retarded I know just be strong if anything just think about that Halloween mask you will get to wear. Jeff sighs…. Oh my good godamn I see how it is I figured something was fishy but didn’t look into it due to a mix up in differentiating between pychosis and  my incredible intuition. see I pick up on small things that the normal person would never even think about but due to paranoia and sleep deprivation sometimes I just confuse red flags as my own made up dellusion. Ya know whaa….But there was no point explaining the situation to his dad for the old man must of  lost focus and walked off right at the beginning…. Well some people just don’t function  on this high of a brain frequency  almost makes ya feel sorry for em. They cant help being fools. Oh well I got other shit to take care of important stuff . He quickly makes a calculation in his head and decides if he cannot climax by sun up he will go to the doctor but  150 google searches 300 different adult websites and an undetermined number of computer viruses Young jeff finaly got the sweet satisfaction he had set out to find he let out a sigh of relief although it was short lived  because as soon as his heels touched back down on the bathroom floor his legs both cramped and jeff let out a horrific scream as he crumbled to the ground. after dragging the lower half of his body across the bathroom and crawling over into the bathtub he dove deep into his mind body and spirit….. Bingo “ I should just sit next time im whoopin the worm that way my legs don’t get weak and I don’t lose feeling in my lower extremities  next time I bust a nut” suddenly he felt a lot better about things see most people wouldn’t take the time to figure out why life dealt such a hard blow but not jeff he took in every factor anlysed the situation and he aint gonna make the same mistake more than maybe 3 times .  So there he sat waiting for his leg muscles to return to the correct places. Hmmmmm “you like that you like it when people get injured while jerking off as you watch the whole thing and laugh about later with your no good hippie step son”!!!he began pondering the existence of god   he flipped his pecker like some toy from a souvenir shop it helped him think smarter he wondered if even though he had no faith in the holy spirit and was not a believer why it felt so good to talk shit to god  maybe im having a spiritual awakening or just need somebody to blame. Ah maybe I should pray perhaps prayer is just another  method of begging .The man upstairs sounds like the haggling type of son a bitch maybe hes into horse trades. Then jeff did something he aint never done before he bowed his head stopped playing with his damn pecker put his hands together and prayed “Lord I don’t know if your listening but im in some trouble nothing too bad but… just please if you hear this gimme some feeling in my legs back I learned my lesson I heard somewhere theres no choking the chicken in heaven I know it cant be true though because what would heaven be if you couldn’t beat your meat every now and again. Anyway maybe that whole leg cramp thing was a god given sign of some sort but it was totally unnecessary now Iv not been on too good terms with you because back a couple months or so when I lost that portable dvd player under a truck wheel in the driveway and getting crushed. I blamed joe joe bean for the longest time but considering the holy spirit in charge of shit around here is you I figure you’re the sorry son a bitch that put joe joe up to something like that.