#and is just... fighting off this god damn viral plague that's got me by the throat

[inundatae]

I do think a lot about how a creature that's 500 years old can remain so stagnant for centuries. That it takes until now for Neuvillette to start... slowly developing some personal growth. Not quite there, but taking those small steps towards something.

Simply to me, five hundred years is a very, very long time for someone to remain the same. But it's hard for me to grasp the idea that for an immortal being that their concept of time is different. Perhaps five hundred years passes in a blink of an eye to him. And Neuvillette is very much a creature of habit. If he refuses to allow himself to form personal attachment, rarely travels beyond his home and his work, then where would the opportunities be for him to change?

And honestly, it's so interesting to think of the brief glimpses of Neuvillette in the flashbacks, who is a lot more... open with his emotions. And it's seemingly the one and only time he's openly called someone a friend. Losing Carole, having to sit there and preside over Vautrin's hearing and then personally having to send him to prison, having the last words he hears of the person closest to him be full of hate. He's been paralyzed for so long and had no one. And to think of all the other acquaintances that he might have been friendly with too, his staff and such who slowly over time began to disappear from his life due to natural consequences. No wonder the only people he keeps close ties with are fellow immortal beings as well.

[lilacmoon83]

Dreaming Out Loud

Also on Fanfiction.net and A03

Chapter 123: Quest for the Key, Pt 2

After seeing the others off to Transylvania, of all places, Regina and James had returned to their castle. She always enjoyed watching Snow's children playing in the garden with the other children that James' parents and Eli were watching, but today, her smile didn't reach her eyes.

"Mom?" Henry called, as she turned to him.

"Is everything okay?" she asked.

"That was kind of my question to you," he replied and she smiled at him, before hugging him close. At almost fourteen now, he was growing far too tall for her liking.

"I'm fine…" she fibbed.

"That's a lie," James commented, as he entered the room.

"You hush," she scolded.

"You're worried about all that stuff Greg said, aren't you?" Henry asked.

"Maybe a little," she replied.

"Mom...you've earned your happy ending. Both of you have. Grandma was right. He could choose to find his own happiness if he gave up revenge, but he won't," Henry argued.

"I was the same as him for a very long time, Henry. I missed out on my own happiness until I finally let go of revenge," she reminded.

"Which is why he's an idiot for not following your example," James chimed in.

"What he said," Henry agreed. She sighed.

"I appreciate your faith and confidence in me, but there was no mistaking that many of the people were in agreement with him. I destroyed so many lives. What right do I have to the happiness I've found?" she questioned.

"You can't think like that, Mom. You have earned your second chance," Henry insisted.

"Maybe so honey...but we may still have a problem if that footage is on the Internet now. Even if it gets popular, most people are still going to think it's some kind of movie trailer or something," James reasoned.

"You better hope so," another voice interjected, as Rumple and Belle approached with Gideon in tow. Belle put their son down to play with the other little ones and then stood up.

"The video that retired detective made has gone viral," Belle said, as she showed them the video and there were already thousands of comments.

"And even if some do think it's some kind of movie or something, that rat bastard narrated the whole thing and even told them roughly where we are in Maine," Eli added, as he was scrolling through comments on his own tablet.

"There is already groups of people planning trips to Maine," Rumple added.

"But...they still can't get in, right?" James asked.

"As far as we know...no, but that might not hold," Belle answered.

"What do you mean?" Robert asked, as he took his attention away from the children for a moment.

"I'm afraid that the Dragon...or Mushu has capitalized on this. Not everyone is believing him, but he now has quite an online following and he claims he can lead everyone in," Belle said, as she showed him what she had found on her tablet.

"This could get bad...really bad," Regina said.

"Especially if the authorities do take an interest," Rumple reminded.

"Then you think the FBI might be on their way too," she said. He nodded.

"Greg and his new friend probably gave them coordinates. Even if they decided not to send someone to investigate this without this video out there, it won't take them long to realize that it's the same location that a supposed murder happened. We may be facing a full exposure to the world," he said gravely.

"No...we have to fix this! We have to...because I'll be damned if I let them take my wife to some prison!" James shouted and she put her hands on his arm to soothe him.

"Not to mention that there is no telling what they'll make of all this. It could go so many ways and none of them are good. I've been reading up on the government and it's not going to be good," Belle said.

"Then we need a fix and we need one fast," Eli replied.

"What if you and me brew a massive amount of memory erasing potions? I mean, it would take a ton of time to brew that much, but it could work," Regina said, directing her question at Rumple.

"It's a possibility, though finding a way to administer it to the masses that may come with Mushu is another issue. But that still doesn't solve the problem of that video being out there," he answered. So she turned her attention to Neal.

"Neal...you've been in this world longer than us. Can that video still be destroyed?" she asked. He shook his head.

"No...it's out there on the Internet. There's no taking it back once it's on the Internet, short of an act of the Gods maybe. Even then, I'm not sure Persephone would even have that kind of power, especially out there. There's no magic," he replied.

"But it could be possible to discredit it, right?" Belle asked. He shrugged.

"I suppose...I can go talk to Annie and Adrian. I mean, if their family has been keeping up the illusion that our world is just stories for centuries, then they may know something of how to keep people in the dark or subvert them," he replied. They nodded.

"It's worth a shot. I can go with you," Eli offered and he nodded.

"Can I come?" Henry asked with interest.

"Sure kid," Neal replied, as he saw no possibility of danger in this task.

"There has to be a way to put this genie back in the bottle," James lamented, as he started to pace and Regina grabbed his hands, clasping them in her own.

"There might not be and we have to face that," she said bravely.

"We might have to face the very real possibility of my incarceration," she said, as she swallowed thickly, but he shook his head with vehement.

"No...no there has to be a way. If I've learned one thing from my twin brother it's that you fight for love and you never give up. I won't give you up...not happening," he said. She nearly crumbled at that, as he hugged her fiercely and held her tightly.

"When Persephone gets back...we can ask her if she knows anything that help fix this. As Supreme Goddess, she may have insight that we do not," Belle reasoned Rumple nodded curtly in agreement.

"Until then...we must prepare for outsiders, possibly in staggering numbers and with our supreme Sheriff and Storybrooke's Sheriff temporarily gone, it falls to you and my son to lead that front," Rumple said, as he looked at James.

"I'll do whatever I have to in order to protect us in my brother's absence. But they better get back soon, because unlike my brother, I don't have Promethean fire to keep everyone in line," he said.

"I doubt they'll be spending anymore time in Transylvania than necessary. Let's just hope they get back soon and hope that the author may have some insight," Belle agreed.

They barely had any time to understand what was happening when the roof to the tavern was literally ripped off and winged monsters dove on them with blood curdling screams. It was quickly seen that these winged creatures were humanoid and judging by the fangs they were sporting, it was clear they were a variety of vampires.

"Great...vampires that fly…" Emma complained, as she swiped at them.

"Well, you don't really think they glitter, do you?" Van Helsing quipped and Emma balked at the that, surprised that he even knew that reference.

"Yeah...I frequent the Land Without Magic occasionally," he added, as he speared one of the female creatures in the chest with a silver spike. She screeched an awful sound, before she slowly turned to ash.

Snow fired several arrows at a very persistent one and finally succeeded in killing her with an arrow between her eyes, just as she dived toward her and the ash fell upon them. Snow shuddered and shook the ash off, before returning to firing arrows.

Hades blue fire consumed three of the oncoming minions, but he knew these were just the underlings they were dealing with and the real threat was still on its way.

David sliced through several of the oncoming minions, as they truly seemed frenzied and almost in a mindless state hunger.

"Are we really making them this crazy or they just like this all the time?" he asked.

"A bit of both," Van Helsing offered, as he fired his crossbow in rapid succession.

"That's why we were reluctant to bring the three of you," Persephone said, as her lavender magic filled the sky and obliterated a dozen at a time. But it didn't seem to matter, for their seemed to be no end to the stream of blood sucking minions.

"This isn't working…" she said.

"I told you...they smelled these three the minute they got here!" Van Helsing scolded, as he sensed a powerful entity coming at them.

"Get them out of here now...he's coming," he snapped to Hades.

"Who is he talking about?" Emma asked.

"The King of vampires himself...I thought you killed him during the last siege!" Hades shouted to the monster hunter.

"If the Gods can't kill that bloody bastard...do you really think I can?" Van Helsing snapped back.

"No matter what I do...that monster doesn't die," he said.

"Are we really talking Dracula here?" Emma questioned, as she swiped through another flying monstrosity.

"Yes...but forget pretty much everything you know about him from pop culture," Persephone warned.

"Yes...he's not some caricature or just a monster with a funny accent," Hades added.

"He's a ruthless, blood sucking demon that for all intents and purposes is quite possibly the worst plague to ever inflict humanity," Van Helsing added.

"He makes Deimos and the Chernabog seem tame," Hades said, making Snow shudder.

"Okay...but if I remember from movies and stuff, can't a werewolf kill him? Like Ruby?" Emma asked.

"In theory...yes, but he's slain every werewolf to ever try before they can even attempt to tear him apart. I've lost hope that even a werewolf can kill him," Van Helsing said, as he shot several more.

"No...but that's what we thought about the Black God...turns out we were wrong," Hades said, as he took pot shots with blue fire at several in the sky, enjoying watching them explode like clay pigeons.

"Wait...you killed the Chernabog?" Van Helsing asked with great interest.

"Not us...our son-in-law," Persephone replied.

"Turns out Promethean fire could kill it all along, a nice little nugget of information that Hermes kept from us," Hades said.

"Wow...can't believe he managed to keep that from you for so long," Van Helsing replied.

"In our defense, Prometheus is picky and his fire hasn't ever chosen a champion. But David and Emma meet his high standards," Persephone said.

"They both seem like natural warriors," he agreed, as they continued to battle the creatures.

"So...you think Promethean fire…" Van Helsing started to say, but Persephone cut him off.

"No...they are not fighting him," she snapped.

"As bad as the Chernabog was, you know how vicious and evil the King of Vampires is," she added.

"Are you really going to lecture me about that demon?" Van Helsing growled.

"I am the one stuck in this endless loop of fighting a monster that won't die!" he hissed.

"I manage to keep him from decimating the population, but that's it. Clearly, I'm not the one meant to kill him or I would have done it already," he added.

"We're not here to fight your battles. We just need the key and we'll be on our way," Hades said.

"Yeah...not with the King out and about. He stays in the castle mostly and you're going to help me at least put him back there or no deal," Van Helsing growled, as the minions in the sky cleared, as four figures appeared in the sky.

"Dammit...they're here," he said, as he gripped his silver sword.

"They?" Emma asked.

"The monster himself and his three wives," he replied.

"Three wives? Seriously?" Emma quipped, as the three figures descended from the sky and landed before them. Honestly, they were a lot more frightening than she imagined, but she supposed she should have expected that. Movies had, for all intents and purposes, glorified vampires recently. But it was very clear that the beings before them weren't misunderstood creatures or even people that might have been good at one time. They were demonic monsters, their soulless, glowing red eyes said that alone. Vampire lore had also gotten the pale skin correct, though it wasn't beautifully fair like her mother's skin or her own, which had the beautiful glow of life behind it with the blood coursing through their veins. But this pale skin was almost transparent and difficult to look at, for no blood of life coursed in the veins of these monsters. The fangs were much more pronounced than she expected as well, doing nothing to hide what they really were and their sunken eyes and cheeks almost made them look frail, but she knew nothing could be further from the truth.

The three females, one blonde, one brunette, and a redhead probably were aesthetically pleasing at one time. But their pale skin that didn't hide the veins or bone beneath their thin, almost leathery skin made them difficult to look at without cringing. Their eyes and fangs marred their probably once attractive faces though and added to their frightening appearance.

But he was even scarier to witness, as his eyes seemed to almost literally be bleeding. His fangs were more pronounced, but retracted momentarily, as he touched down on the ground. His skin was much like the others, almost transparent and hard to look at and he oozed evil in a way she had never experienced. And considering all that they had seen, that was saying something.

"My my...it seems we have very esteemed guests," he said in a tone that was regal and that seemed foreign coming from one such as him, considering his savagery.

"Lord Hades…" he greeted.

"If you enjoy your immortal existence...then you would be wise to stand down," he warned. Dracula chuckled.

"You could not even challenge your brother for his Throne and it was he that banished Transylvania away from the other realms, because even he feared me," he drawled.

"Banishing was one of Zeus' best moves...but he is dead. I am Supreme Goddess," Persephone announced. The demon seemed surprised by that and a smile spread across his face.

"Queen Persephone...you are a vision as always. But do you really expect me to believe you unseated Zeus?" he questioned.

"Believe it or don't...she did and she is far more powerful than my stupid brother ever was," Hades snapped. Dracula chuckled.

"Yet still not powerful enough to destroy me," he said, as his attention turned to the other three with him and a very hungry gleam passed over his features.

"Hybrids…" he breathed.

"Such lovely little morsels...their scent entranced me the moment they stepped into this realm," he said, as he looked at David.

"And this one...not a hybrid, but there is something quite different about him. No ordinary mortal this one…" he added.

"He makes our mouths water like no other, husband," the redhead whispered to him.

"May we share him?" the brunette asked, making Snow gasp and clutch her husband's arm. The blonde one was silent, but her scrutinizing stare on David was unsettling to say the least.

Persephone and Hades stepped in front of them and she put her arms out.

"They are mine…" she said fiercely.

"You touch even one hair on any of their heads and a thousand lightning bolts will reign down upon this realm," she growled. He chuckled.

"Hybrids...the raven haired one. She is the child you conceived with a mortal. The fairest of them all," he guessed, surprising Snow that he knew any of that.

"She must be...it is the only thing that would make you threaten to kill all the mortals in an entire realm," he said.

"These people are just food to you...I'd be doing them a favor and without a food source, trapped in this fallen realm with no blood to drink...that might be the thing to finally end you," she threatened. He chuckled.

"You won't do it...you don't have the gumption," he challenged.

"Try me...because there is nothing I will not do to protect my family," she countered. He started to cackle again and his fangs extended.

"Then start protecting...because I am going to feast on Demi-Goddess blood before the night is out," he hissed, as the four of them attacked.

Quantico

Since the mysterious video had gone viral, claiming that everything people thought was just fiction was actually real and existed in Maine of all places, police stations across the nation and the FBI had been fielding all kinds of calls. People were going crazy over the video and already flocking to the woods in Maine. It had caused such an uproar on the Internet that the FBI already had their analysts working around the clock to poke holes in the supposed authenticity. It should have been easy. The video was ridiculous in its claims, with footage of magic and dragons, fairy tale characters, and Greek Gods of all things.

"No Sir...dragons aren't real. Please go about your normal life. The video is just a hoax," the supervisor said, before she slammed the phone down on the cradle.

"I want confirmation that this damn thing is just some kind of movie trailer and I want it now!" she bellowed.

"None of the Hollywood studios are claiming responsibility, but they're all jealous of the special effects," one of her agents informed, as he hung up the phone.

"Ma'am...didn't you send agents O'Bryan and Quinn to Maine?" another agent asked.

"I did, agent Cade, what's your point?" she snapped.

"I'm just looking over the original case file on the Kurt Flynn case. According to his eight-year-old son at the time, they encountered a small town with magic and the woman that took his father was holding a heart in her hand," agent Cade said, as she read from the original report.

"Which is obviously complete nonsense from the imagination of a traumatized eight-year-old with an overactive imagination," she dismissed.

"But supposedly the disappearance of Kurt Flynn happened in the same place as being advertised in this crazy video. This...Storybrooke. It's the same town that little Owen said they were staying in when his father disappeared over thirty-years-ago," agent Cade argued. Her superior sighed.

"I'm not saying that I believe anything in this video, but it's curious that the video and this thirty-year-old murder are naming the same town. Maybe we should join agents Quinn and O'Bryan," Cade suggested.

"Okay Agent Cade, you make a good point. Wheels up in thirty, team," she called, as she and four other agents prepared for a trip to Maine.

Mushu felt himself be lifted off the ground and choked, as Hyde wrapped a firm hand around the man's neck. And in a Land Without Magic, there was little he could do to thwart the super strength of Edward Hyde.

"This situation does not bode well for our operation, lizard," Hyde said, as he finally dropped the ancient being to the floor.

"I did not think such a video would entrance the masses so...but I assure you that the authorities will find a way to convince the majority of society that this is a hoax. The Order of the Jackal has people on the inside," Mushu stressed.

"They have gone through great lengths over the years to convince the masses that anything supernatural is pure fiction. We have not worked this hard to keep down the threat of the supernatural to fail now," he added.

"Yes...and how is it that you came to be involved with this sect?" Hyde inquired.

"I mean...you're from there and to these people, they may consider you to be one of the monsters they seek to keep down, much like me. Yet here we are...leading them. Some might say it leaves their values and tenets...much to be desired," he continued.

"You're right...I'm from a land of mystical wonders and magic," the Dragon said.

"I was a revered guardian to a long line of heroes. But those heroes tossed me out like trash the moment I made a mistake," he continued.

"And then I conceived a powerful child with a Goddess and instead of rewarding me with the Immortality and worship I deserved, they cast me out too and banished my daughter to this wretched world," he said.

"It always comes back to revenge, doesn't it?" Hyde drawled.

"I received some satisfaction when Zeus was wiped from existence, but my daughter and I still remain outcasts and they imprison her out of fear," he replied.

"Well, if the authorities in this land do not keep their noses out of the magical realms, then your revenge may go up in smoke," Hyde warned.

"These insignificant mortals cannot begin to understand magic. For now, Persephone and her precious bloodline rule. But when we discover what my ancestor hid in this world...I will take power," Mushu said.

"Then I will be a God and rule all the realms. I will have the author's pen...and I will control the narrative," he added.

"Then I will never be cast out or mocked again. I will never have to resort to living in this wretched, magic-less world, selling magical cures and parlor tricks to make ends meet," he said.

"Just make sure you find me some stronger test subjects. The weak people of this realm have all failed and I'm still bound to the tedious, insufferable Dr. Jekyll. I cannot risk traveling to the United Realms with Persephone in power," Hyde reminded. The Dragon smirked.

"I am a man of my word. When I left Storybrooke a few days ago, I brought a gift with me," he said, as he motioned to two subordinates that dragged two people forward.

"Who are they?" Hyde asked.

"Just some simple villagers. One from Arendelle and another from Oz. I think you'll find their hearts are a bit stronger than your typical mortals of this land," the Dragon replied.

"Excellent…" Hyde said, as he felt an oncoming headache.

"I must return to the Land of Untold Stories now," he said, as he used his key to open a door and shoved the two frightened and bound people through the gateway, before following himself.

"Welcome to the Asylum," he told them, as he forced them to walk toward the dreary building before them; a place that would likely be the last place they would ever see...

[junker-town]

NFL Dad, Week 16: Pay it forward

On Christmas, SB Nation’s RedZone diarist looks back on a season of football and parenting

Christmas is difficult, even if you like it. As the days grow shorter, the responsibilities mount. You need to buy more gifts than is financially responsible. Buy and decorate a tree. Purchase and send Christmas cards. Arrange travel during the most difficult season to travel. And if you’re a parent, there’s a whole other slew of things to be bought and baked and dropped off at school.

Perhaps you are the kind of person who buys gifts throughout the year, then labels and stores them in a logical place. Maybe you can come home after a long day of work and crank out 30 Christmas cards while listening to Bing Crosby. I am not that person. I abuse my Amazon Prime membership to get gifts delivered in time, and I still end up shopping on Christmas Eve, which is also when I wrap gifts. The holiday cards we send — kids smiling, bullet points about the family — inevitably get mailed in the days after Christmas. (They say “Happy New Year” for a reason.)

On Friday, my grandmother had a massive aneurysm near her heart. She survived surgery but lost a kidney; the doctors said that similar conditions are fatal 90% of the time, and of the 10% who survive, 90% never leave the hospital again.

And of course I hadn’t sent her card yet. I dashed off an attempt to be positive, commending her toughness through the ordeal, which wasn’t over. I dropped it in the mail, and she died 12 hours later.

She never met my kids, but that didn’t stop her from lavishing them with gifts on their birthdays and Christmas. I called infrequently and visited less. And because of who I am, a bullshit deadline artist who can’t work ahead of schedule, a nice old lady didn’t get to see a couple more pictures of her great-grandchildren before she died.

I woke up to the news on Christmas Eve morning. My wife asked if I needed a few minutes. “I think so?” I said, and she went to get the kids up. But they were attuned to my absence. My son caught a glimpse of me in the doorway, and he ran to me yelling, “DADDY! DADDY!” with my daughter in hot pursuit. I gathered them in my arms and told them that I loved them, and if they didn’t see my tears, it’s only because they don’t yet understand that I’m fallible, flawed.

I wept because I can never repay the love I’ve gotten. I wept because I can only pay it forward.

In lieu of play-by-play of Week 16 RedZone action, this week’s NFL Dad is a retrospective on the season so far.

Week 1: Tony Romo’s announcing debut

Football: Tony Romo in the announcing booth is “like breathing pure oxygen after YEARS of Phil Simms leaking carbon monoxide into my home.” Elsewhere, Tom Savage gets mauled by the Jags for six sacks in the first half, and Bill O’Brien accidentally discovers that Deshaun Watson is his franchise quarterback.

Parenting:

Quick story from the kids’ birthday party. One of the dads there had a thick orange cast on his hand. He was a bookish guy: slim, glasses, graying hair and gray beard neatly trimmed — a Brooklyn Dad like many other Brooklyn Dads. One of the other dads gestured to his cast and said, “What happened?”

He sighed. “I smashed it pretty bad at Burning Man.” A long pause, and none of us interrupted it. He added: “... as one does.”

Week 2: Sick kids and dog vomit

Football:

In Pittsburgh, Sam Bradford is a late scratch due to his knee rejecting last week’s touchdown implant. Case Keenum will start, and if I had a bookie I would put my salary on the Steelers today.

Parenting:

My daughter broke her clavicle last week. It’s a common injury for young children, not just Tony Romo. She fell out of a chair a few minutes before we had to leave for her second day of preschool, and I didn’t think it was a serious injury at the time. “We have to go! Can’t miss the second day of school!” was my thinking. I should be an NFL team doctor.

So she’s in a sling for Week 2 of the NFL season (and for the next four weeks) while my son happily toddles around the house. Just kidding! My son is battling a 102-degree fever and an ear infection. Ha HA! Let’s watch some football!

Week 3: Protests, Naps, and Guacamole

Football: The 0-2 Saints start doing wild stuff like playing defense in their win over the Panthers; the insane ending to first half of Steelers-Bears deserves revisiting; Deshaun Watson’s brilliance isn’t enough to overcome the Pats in New England; the Eagles need a 61-yard field goal at the end of the game to beat the Giants.

Parenting:

My son’s other obsession tonight — besides smashing his face into the couch — is the hokey-pokey. He’s no good at putting his hand in and shaking it all about, but he DOMINATES at turning around. He spins around in circles until he careens left and crashes into the credenza. He thinks it’s hilarious. He is correct.

Week 4: Disney Princesses are a scourge

Football: Antonio Brown gets angry and flips a Gatorade cooler; the Dolphins get shut out in London while Jay Cutler’s no-effort Wildcat play goes viral; Dalvin Cook’s season ends with an ACL tear; the Jets beat the Jaguars in overtime; the Bucs defense is so bad that Eli Manning scores on a 14-yard scramble.

Parenting:

With the exception of Moana and maybe Frozen, the rest of the Disney princesses are a scourge on parenthood. The Disney Princess Industrial Complex essentially operates like the anti-vaccine movement. No matter how many parents want to raise their daughters to be action-oriented, independent problem solvers, there’s always a nanny or a grandmother who’s pushing Sleeping Beauty or Snow White (which are the SAME DAMN STORY), and that shit spreads like the plague.

And regardless of your feelings on feminism, the message isn’t a great one to send your kids. “Got a problem? Just go to sleep and someone will take care of it.” That only works if your dad owns an NFL team.

Week 5: Apple picking season

Football: Myles Garrett gets a sack on his first NFL snap; the Browns finally get their first lead of the season (it doesn’t last); Ben Roethlisberger throws five INTs, including consecutive pick-sixes, in a blowout to the visiting Jags; Odell Beckham suffers a season-ending injury; HOOOOO-WEEEEE look at this Cassel-Cutler shootout at the half.

Matt Ufford

Parenting:

My son is up from his nap. He sleepily staggers over and throws his arms around me in a big hug. I know that doesn’t really pop off the screen as anything special, but trust me when I say my brain is FLOODED with dopamine from his carefree smile and chubby arms.

This is the bone that human biology throws to parents. “Oh, is every day with a young child the hardest thing you’ve ever experienced? FINE, bathe in the warmth of infinite love.” And all of us stupid parents are like, “Oh, yeah, that’s good. This is worth surrendering my house to childproofing measures and chiming plastic bullshit.”

Week 6: Daughter’s birthday party; Aaron Rodgers injured

Football:

The Falcons were 11.5-point favorites at home, and they lost to Jay Cutler. Gonna have to fumigate the whole stadium after that one.

Parenting:

My daughter runs into the room wearing a pink cape. She eats a tortilla chip that my son discarded on the couch. “I’m a superhero!” she says.

“What’s your superhero name?” I ask.

“HMMMMM.” She has obviously not done the groundwork on her origin story.

“Are you the Pink Crusader?”

“Yeah!” She runs out of the room, then runs back in. “I’m a superhero!”

“What’s your superhero name?” I ask again.

She yells, “The Pink Crusader!” Again, she runs out of the room.

She runs back in and stops in front of me. She casually leans an arm on the couch and says, “I’m the Pink Crusader.”

Week 7: Pumpkin flavored everything

Football:

The Bears earned zero first downs in the second half and became the first NFL team to win with fewer than five completed passes since ... the last time John Fox coached in the NFL. I’d rather have a block of cement coach my team.

Also, Joe Thomas tears his triceps :(

Parenting:

My sister had kids years before I did, and I was the typical ignorant drunk uncle when it came to her devotion to the kids’ naps and schedule. “What’s with the schedule? Why can’t the kids just power through this one time?” Because the schedule is GOD, man! The schedule is all powerful. It is the weather; it is the earth beneath your feet. Reject it and your life will be untethered from reality, a nonstop maelstrom of tears and tantrums.

Week 8: Halloween is my daughter’s Super Bowl

Football:

The Texans-Seahawks barnburner owns the late afternoon games. And while Deshaun Watson and Russell Wilson will rightly be remembered as the stars of the game, I’d like to point out that at one point Pete Carroll challenged a Wilson incomplete pass, claiming it was a fumble. The challenge was successful, and the fumble forward was good for a first down. That game was WILD.

Parenting:

MIRACLE: Both of my kids are eating their dinner without complaint or hesitation. They ignore the TV to pay attention to the Halloween book my wife is reading. Years from now, when their grade school teacher praises their attention spans, I’m gonna get up in the middle of the parent-teacher conference and do Mick Jagger’s rooster strut.

Week 9: Daylight Savings and Football Fights

Football: Julio Jones drops a wide-open touchdown in the end zone on 4th down; Tyreke Hill scores on an end-of-half Hail Mary that was 40-plus yards short of the end zone (the Alex Smith special); A.J. Green and Jaelen Ramsey are both ejected after Ramsey provokes the normally calm Green into an MMA takedown.

Parenting:

I want to make it clear that when your 18-month-old child usually naps for 2-3 hours in the afternoon, then circumvents that with a 25-minute doze before noon, you don’t just have an awake kid instead of a sleeping kid. You have a walking tire fire instead of two hours of silence. I will run for office and/or lead a revolution to eliminate seasonal clock changes.

Also, this memory would be lost forever if not for this dumb column:

[My daughter] brings over a small bowl of cashews, climbs onto the couch, and sits next to me. I say, “Oh, you brought me cashews!” as I take one, because Stock Dad is the role I was born to play. But then she feeds me a cashew, so I feed her one. And we go on that way until the bowl is empty. There’s football on TV, I guess.

Week 10: Poop. Poop everywhere.

Football: In the fantasy crime of the year, the Saints score six touchdowns on the ground while Drew Brees throws for none; rampant stupidity at the end of Chargers-Jaguars leads to overtime; John Fox challenges his team having 1st and goal at the 2, resulting in a Bears turnover. Coaching Move of the Year.

Parenting:

It’s weird the different stages kids can be at despite being similar sizes. My daughter, at age 3, is capable of having a conversation and expressing her feelings with words. My son, 18 months, understands everything we say, but is less a human than an organic chaos engine. The kid does forward-facing trust falls off stairs.

Week 11: National Interception Day

Football: Jay Cutler throws three interceptions in the first half, Alex Smith throws two against the Giants (including one on a shovel pass), Shane Vereen and Travis Kelce both throw picks on trick plays, and Nathan Peterman tosses FIVE on 14 passing attempts in a single half against the Chargers. Also, this Brock Osweiler interception is my favorite play of the year:

PICK-6-OHHH NO! Dre Kirkpatrick nearly has a 101-yard PICK-6... But fumbles inside the 5. Wow. #CINvsDEN http://pic.twitter.com/zUyPI5Q0xZ

— NFL (@NFL) November 19, 2017

Parenting:

My daughter is 3 years old and has still never seen Moana (or any movie), but frequent exposure to the soundtrack and a couple of plot points — “Moana has to save her people” — gives my daughter enough information to guide her body language, and we can see it in the way she play-acts.

When she’s Cinderella, I have to pretend to put a gown on her, and we dance together at the ball. When she’s Rapunzel, she flips her hair around; Ariel, and she holds up a scarf as a bikini. But when she’s Moana, she throws her shoulders back, struts with purpose, and thrusts her fist into the air — something she’d only previously done when saying, “I’m Batman!”

Week 12: Things fall apart

Football: Alex Smith implodes (again); Julio Jones destroys the Bucs; Broncos-Raiders is barely underway before the main event, Crabtree-Talib II: The Re-Snatchening.

Parenting:

I’m familiar with the schools of thought that say you shouldn’t incentivize potty training, and that’s how we started off, too. Then my daughter started holding in poops for several days before struggling to crank out the hardened rock in her butt, and we implemented a multi-tiered system of bribes that would put FIFA to shame.

Week 13: Christmas season!

Football: Tom Brady yells at Josh McDaniels; Eli Manning’s ironman streak is snapped by McAdoo-induced self-benching; the Jets-Chiefs shootout ends in Marcus Peters throwing a referee’s flag into the stands.

Parenting:

The kids play Ring Around the Rosie, and at the end of the song, only my daughter falls down. She looks at me from her back. “I just scored a touchdown.”

“Oh yeah?” I ask.

“I’m the Seahawks!”

My wife cuts in. “If you were the Seahawks, you wouldn’t get in the end zone so easily.” HARSH, WOMAN.

Week 14: SNOWBALL!

Football: LeSean McCoy carries the Bills to an overtime win over the Colts in a blizzard; Cam Newton single-handedly defeats the Vikings; the Browns choke away a two-touchdown lead against Brett Hundley’s Packers to keep their winless record intact; the Eagles-Rams heavyweight bout lives up to its billing, but Carson Wentz is lost to a torn ACL.

Parenting:

Before I had kids, diapers were the thing I feared most about parenthood. Which is stupid, because the thing you end up fearing most in the entire world is your own mortality. Diapers are fine.

That said, I just changed a diaper filled with the scent of death and campaign promises.

Week 15: Get used to disappointment

Football: Aaron Rodgers returns to save the Packers’ season, but the Panthers win to kill their dreams; Nick Foles coolly throws four touchdowns in his first start in relief of Wentz; catch rule shenanigans continue, with the ending of Patriots-Steelers the most pear-shaped; Teddy Bridgewater retakes the field to throw an interception.

Parenting:

Two- and 3-year-old kids have moods like the weather: Sometimes a thunderstorm hits, and there’s not much you can do but hole up and wait for it to pass. Eventually, the sun breaks through like nothing happened. As a parent, you feel your child owes you an explanation or apology for the 30 minutes you just lost, but you’ll get none. The weather has changed. You may as well shout at the sky, demand an explanation from the passing clouds.

Merry Christmas, everyone. Thank you for dealing with me and my kids this season. NFL Dad will be back with an especially loaded Week 17 edition next week.