#and im willing to believe some ppl find it genuinely easier to say blueberry than stop but im not willing to believe they're the majority

[edai-crplpnk]

I love writing kink negociations and consent discussions and I like reading them when they're well done (which is clearly not all the time, and I agree wholeheartedly with those two posts) but one thing I hate and that is so common is safewords where nobody needs them.

Why would they have a safeword if they can just say "stop"? Do anyone really think that interrupting sex when needed is easier when you have to say "blueberry" rather than "stop"?

Imo, the two crucial functions of safewords are:

1- To be able to willfully ignore other words of discomfort/non-consent when doing CNC or playing with limits that might get you to say stop when you don't want it to stop yet, so you need a more purposeful signal for it.

2- To have signal when talking is not possible or realistic, either because of the practice or because of going non-verbal in a certain headspace (or just being non-verbal to begin with, ofc). Ex: "tap out when you need to breathe" or "If you squeeze my hand I stop"

If you're just fucking without consent play and everyone is in physical and psychological state to just say stop or even generally shake their head or push you away or any other way to communicate, I don't think they're useful and, more importantly, I think they can be pretty harmful. If saying "blueberry" is harder than staying "stop" (which it will usually be, because it's kinda weird and embarassing to say that in the middle of sex) but your partner is assuming they should ignore your "stop" because you're supposed to say "blueberry" if you mean it, you are setting yourselves up for a very shitty situation.

I like the colour system for check ins, because having a close question with scripted answer make it easier to communicate efficiently and precisely. "Colour?" has only three possible answer, that you know by heart and the only thing you have to do is pick which. "How are you feeling?" has a bazilion answers and words and if you are not in a state to handle a bazilion answers and words, you'll probably just say "ok". But this is very different than being meant to spontaneously say "red" or "orange" mid sex to prompt a change in your partner, which is much harder, imo.

I feel like a most of the time when I see character set up a safeword before or during play, it's just meant as a virtue signal that this is consensual and they have taken measures to ensure it's safe(r). But in practice, the safeword is not making it safer.

It's symbol of "proper consent" devoid of actual reflection about what makes consent important, complex and tricky, and how to work on that. It's making look consent as something that is as simple as "if there exist a word that you can physically say that mean you don't consent, and your partner will respect it, then it's safe and will go all good". And it's really not.

Consent is complex, communication around consent is difficult, saying no is famously hard, especially to someon you love, especially to someone you want to please, especially to someone you want to love you, especially if you have self-esteem issues or performance anxiety, which we all know a lot of people have and in particular around sex. Making sure everyone involved can communicated their boundaries and needs as they evolve through a scene or through a relationship is immesly more complex and harder than "there's a word for that, just say it". If you try to pretend otherwise you will fuck up.

"he would not fucking say that" but it's "they would not be having carefully negotiated bdsm manual sex"