#and if youre new to aros/aces and kiss repulsion it's NOT just disliking it

[heretic-altias]

The untagged kissing has returned to hurt me I will simply suffer and die

[adagioapassionato]

playlist focus…a-spec tunes!

Happy Ace Week! For this Ace Week, I wanted to make a special post of songs that I think speak to experiences on the a-spectrum. With just how hard it was to select my favourite ace-friendly songs, it’s clear there are not many songs a-spec folks can relate to, so I put together just a few for you all to enjoy with a little description for each. I tried to represent as many a-spec experiences as I could – for me, my ace and aro experiences are tied quite deeply together so a lot of the songs might represent both of these. Nonetheless, I hope you find some fun music that you can relate to from this post.

I think the ace/a-spec experience for me comprises a few different feelings, and I have chosen songs that represent each feeling for me. The first is a deep sense of confusion and maybe even dislike for the sex- and romance-obsessed society we live in. Wondering why everyone is so concerned with these things that we do not understand because we cannot really feel them, and wishing people did not keep expecting you to engage in something you don’t care about and aren’t interested in. The second is a sort of sadness and pain – these types of love and intimacy are so glorified that you wonder whether you’re missing out on something because you have never, and will never, feel this way – so do you truly feel anything at all? And lastly, (this might be specific to the aro-ace experience), is a sense of exhilaration when you discover and experience new types of attraction that you have not felt before, love that is truly unique to you but feels just as beautiful as the ideal described by society. And with that, let’s get into some a-spec songs!

1. Crush Culture by Conan Gray

Yes, a bit of a stereotypical first choice, but I had to bring it up as a certified Conan Gray fan! This song really represents the feeling of growing tired of hearing about crushes and romance, but at the same time, feeling somewhat lonely and jealous and wishing you could be part of it too. It’s a song that I feel accurately represents being sex-/romance-averse or -repulsed – wanting out from society’s obsession with “crush culture,” but still being constantly and annoyingly surrounded by it.

“I don’t care if I’m forever alone, I’m not falling for you,” “all this love is suffocating, just let me be sad and lonely…” – in school, having a crush, or being liked by someone, was always such a huge deal. I quickly learned that people loved talking about their crushes – it was a huge talking point, sharing about your crush made you friends. So, even though you may not even understand or care, one of the few ways you can ‘fit in’ and be social is to engage with crush culture – which you may not be able to do since you don’t feel that way. So, you’re shoved these things you don’t feel or care about constantly, told that you need to feel them and engage in them to be liked. You do feel lonely and left out watching everyone else engaging in “crush culture,” but you’d rather that than be part of this constant obsession with sex, romance and crushes because you dislike it so much and cannot even relate to it. You’re so “suffocated” by crush culture that you’d rather be lonely, sad, “forever alone,” than have to hear more about crushes, romance and love.

The bridge of the song perfectly expresses the frustration lots of a-spec people feel hearing romance and sex constantly spoken about around them: “Shut your damn mouth/you’re talking too loud/and no one cares if you two made out/oh, I’m sick of the kissing cult…” “Kissing cult” for me evoked these childhood games of ‘never have I ever’ or ‘truth or dare’ – a prime hub for “crush culture,” like sharing gossip about kissing, crushes and romance. When you don’t realise that it’s normal to not feel or want these things, you feel alienated and also just confused what the hype is – are you just “sad and lonely,” will you forever miss out, because you have never engaged in, understood or cared about crush culture? You just want to tune it out and have people stop going on and on about it.

No matter how you try to avoid it, crush culture finds you everywhere. A chorus sings the words “crush culture” in the background of the verses – it sounds almost like kids teasing someone about their crush in singsong voices. This shows how no matter how often you say you don’t have a crush and don’t care for “crush culture,” it continues to haunt you and hit you in the face. I personally remember trying to express to my classmates, who pestered me asking who my crush was, that I didn’t have one. But according to them, I “had to” have a crush – they didn’t even think it possible that I didn’t feel attracted to someone constantly! So, society continues to be obsessed with the idea that everyone feels, desires and needs romance or sex – whether or not they say they don’t care for it. Being surrounded by this constantly, especially at a young age, can create so much frustration that “crush culture” really does make you want to “spill your guts out.

2. We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off by Ella Eyre

I really love the sound and the message of this song – I feel like it accurately represents aces who feel romantic attraction. This song focuses on the emotional aspects of romance – quality time, knowing someone in and out and just enjoying a good time with someone you love, without having to be intimate: “We don’t have to take our clothes off/To have a good time/We could dance and party all night/And drink some cherry wine.” I love how this song subverts this expectation of needing intimate relations in a romantic relationship. Realising I was ace at a time when I still wanted romance was hard because I understood that most people thought sex was a requirement for a successful romantic relationship. But since it wasn’t something I ever wanted at all, would anyone want me? A lot of ace people can struggle with dating in the same way. This song speaks to our experience – “we don’t have to take our clothes off to have a good time…” “If the conversation’s good vibes through and through” – that focuses on more emotional bonds than physical attraction. The song is very simply but powerfully constructed. I really like Ella Eyre’s low, emotional voice that’s allowed to shine on its own. Her voice really showcases her desire to connect emotionally with this person and form a relationship that goes beyond just sex.

3. SDL by Agust D

I’ve talked at length about SDL in my review of D-Day, but it spoke to me as an aspec person and so I thought I’d bring it up again! SDL focuses on how difficult it is to define ‘love,’ and from an aspec perspective, could show how we reflect on past relationships and experiences of attraction in trying to understand how we experience the all-pervasive “love” that’s so important to society today.

First, SDL tries to define love with extreme emotions – “Who do you smile for? Who do you cry for? Could this be love?” Seeing dramatised descriptions of ‘love’ in media, through extreme emotions like crying over someone, making huge sacrifices for love, and so on – we tend to wonder what love really is, and whether we feel it at all, since our experience may not match with these deep and extreme feelings. The song recognizes how glorified the word ‘love’ has become: “Thanks to the grandeur of the word love/What is easily forgotten is called love.” Aspecs can feel like this obsession with sex and romance is overhyped – it seems grandiose, glorified and unreachable, especially since most of what we understand of it comes from media. There are so many expectations surrounding it and it’s given so much precedence and value – almost as though experiencing and finding such love is what makes life worth living at all. We spend a lot of time trying to figure out why we don’t feel this grand, moving feeling of romantic or sexual love, and whether we’re broken or missing out on something. In doing this, though, we forget about the various other kinds of love that we do feel, that make our experience of attraction and love whole and perfect anyway.

I think the song also accurately represents the experience of questioning your a-spec identity – looking back at past relationships and wondering whether you really felt “love,” or something else entirely. “Somebody does love/But I’m thinking about you…” – Yoongi compares this so-called “love,” and he thinks about the feelings he experienced, which don’t seem to align with traditional romantic or sexual love. Questioning whether you’re on the a-spectrum often involves the similar experience of re-analysing your past relationships and realising that your experience of attraction is different – you’ve been mistaking ‘sexual’ or ‘romantic’ love for something else entirely. You end up questioning the life you’d envisioned for yourself – many of us think about marriage or relationships because we’re told we are supposed to want those things. You wonder if you truly miss or desire these relationships, or just the memory or idea of love that you’re taught is so valuable – “Is it you that you miss/Or is it that time on the other side of the glorified memory?”

The song has a bright and gentle feel, so while it really deeply speaks to my experience, it is also very comforting and like a calm reflection on questioning your a-spec identity. In some way, it holds up a mirror to our experiences while also telling us that what we feel is valid. The rest of the song focuses on how relationships and love can be fleeting and difficult to understand and maintain – so there’s no point hanging on to the glorified ideals of love. Loving the small and trivial things is just as valid and wonderful, and so Yoongi truly speaks to the a-spec experience with this song

4. People Watching by Conan Gray

I know this might be a slightly unconventional choice, but I think this is the song that truly encapsulates my entire experience as an a-spec person. On the surface, the song is just about feeling ‘single’ or wanting to experience romantic love, but I associate it with a time where I was ace and desired romance, but also with realising I am arospec and trying to accept that I wasn’t exactly looking for romance.

The song opens with describing a couple’s interactions with one another – “They met in class for metaphysical philosophy/He tells his friends ‘I like her cause she’s so much smarter than me’/They’re having talks about their futures until 4 AM/And I’m happy for them.” This shows how we see and desire romantic experiences so much – to us, they may look beautiful and desirable, and we’re even happy for those experiencing them. But at the same time, Conan sings “I’m happy for them” with a slight bitterness in his tone – some part of us wonders why not me experiencing these things, why not me able to feel something so wonderful?

The chorus is so special and hard-hitting for me. “I wanna feel all that love and emotion/Be that attached to the person I’m holding…” I relate to this so much because at one time, I wanted to experience romance too, but I worried I wouldn’t be able to find someone that would accept me that way because I’m ace. Later I realised I’m on the aromantic spectrum. I still desired the idea of romance, but I didn’t really feel that kind of attraction – I wanted to be “that attached” to someone, I wanted my emotions to be enough so that I could experience the romance that I’m told is such a beautiful and life-changing experience. But turns out, “for now, I’m only people watching…” I’m watching romance surround me as I struggle to accept my identities, and simply wishing that one day I’ll feel that way too.

Recognising your a-spec identity can be a bit disillusioning. Conan recognises this when he says “I had a dream about a house behind a picket fence/Next one I choose to trust I hope I use some common sense.” We do dream of experiencing love at first sight, one-night stands, or these other tropes that we hear so much about and seem so wonderful and amazing. But as we realise our identities, it becomes clear that that cliched stuff isn’t going to work out for us. With the way the world is obsessed with sex and romance and even sees it as a requirement in relationships, people who experience these things differently or not at all won’t fit these conventional tropes. So, we have to accept that love and romance might look a little different for us, and we need to be careful what we expect when seeking out partnership.

My favourite line in the song comes up at the end of the bridge. Conan sings this line in an interesting way – it’s unclear whether he says, “I feel love emotion” or “I feel no emotion.” I really love this because I’ve felt both ways at different stages in my journey of accepting I’m a-spec. Upon just recognizing my identity, I felt as though “I feel no emotion” – that I’m heartless, loveless, and feel nothing because I cannot experience these feelings. But as I’m growing closer to accepting myself, I realise I do feel “love emotion” too – I just experience it differently, and in different forms, which are just as valid!

5. Kalmia Kid by chloe moriondo

This is a sweet and simple song that I ended up rediscovering while writing this post. I feel like it really encapsulates the experience of questioning and sifting through the various different labels that are common in the aspec circles, and feeling like nothing really fits your experience.

Chloe sings, “Feelings are hard to ignore/especially when you don’t know what they’re for…” This really relates to the experience of trying to identify what kind of attraction you’re feeling. It can be so confusing – you have feelings, but you don’t know what to do with them, you don’t know what they’re for or what they mean, and yet you can’t ignore them. They just keep bothering you as you get further into your head trying to figure out what it is you’re actually feeling.

The verses of this song seem to describe trying to identify with different labels, but feeling like nothing fits. They open with – “It’s lonely in the forest that I grow in/I wish I could dive into the sea” then, “it’s lonely in the coral reef I float in…” You think you relate to one label – “I guess the weather’s warm enough to bear,” “I guess the water’s warm enough to bear/and I never have to wash or dry my hair.” But you then see another one and think maybe that one will fit better, more accurately – you feel lonely with your current one and want to “dive into” using a new one. You’re just “bearing” with your current label – it sort of fits, but every new one you discover seems to fit your experience better, that is, until you discover where it falls short too. I know I and definitely other aspecs can struggle learning about all the different labels and attractions that exist. While they can help you to describe your identity better, it can also be a bit overwhelming when you’re not really sure where you fall on the spectrum and what accurately describes your experience. It can even feel like you don’t fit anywhere at all.

The chorus is filled with a somewhat sweet sadness – “If the only love I’ll feel is for bumblebees/that’s fine with me/that’s fine with me/And if I’ll only ever dance with pine trees/That’s fine with me/That’s fine with me.” It accurately describes feeling a bit disappointed that you’ll never be able to experience strong sexual or romantic love, but trying to accept the other kinds of love that you do feel. I love how the tone of these lyrics describes the dilemma between feeling like you’re missing out on important feelings, but also trying to love the confusing yet new and exciting identity that you have just discovered!

6. What Was I Made For? by Billie Eilish

This is another slightly unconventional choice, but it was a song that came to my mind when I was struggling to accept being arospec and ace.

When you’re on the a-spectrum, it’s really common for people to think you’re inhuman, unfeeling or robotic. This, coupled with struggling to understand your own feelings for others, can be really confusing and gives an entirely new meaning to the lines “I don’t know how to feel, but I wanna try.” On the one hand, “I don’t know how to feel, but I wanna try” – being ace can make you feel like you don’t do “feeling” right, you don’t feel emotions in the right way. However, you so desperately wish you could – you can feel like you wish you weren’t ace, or that you did feel sexual attraction so that you could be “normal” and know how to feel the same things everyone else does. On the other, “I don’t know how to feel, but I wanna try” – when you give in to aphobic messaging, being aspec can make you feel like you’re robotic or inhumane because you don’t experience attraction conventionally. You don’t know how to behave like others, how to feel like them – so maybe you don’t know how to feel anything at all. But you don’t want to be someone so inhuman that they don’t even know how to feel – you want to try and feel these things that seem so wonderful and important to making life beautiful.

I’ve mentioned how realising you’re a-spec forces you to confront the fact that your life may not pan out the way you planned before you discovered your identity. So, you ask – “what was I made for?” You’re told all your life that one day, you’ll find “the one,” that people are “made for” each other to find and have one consistent love that lasts forever. However, you’ve never felt that about anyone – so were you “made for” anyone at all? Were you “made for” experiencing this everlasting love, because you can’t ever seem to feel it? You end up feeling really disillusioned when you realise you won’t experience the glorious “one true love” that everyone seems to suggest is what makes life worth living. Billie’s emotional voice, which sounds almost tearful at the chorus, really stirs these emotions in my heart. It can be really hard to try and confront that maybe your life won’t be exactly what you envisioned – what you thought you were “made for” isn’t what you’re actually “made for.”

7. A Long Dream by SE SO NEON

I’ve talked about this song before too, but I want to explain why I resonate so much with it! It’s a song about discovering a growing attachment to a person – its lyrics break the boundaries between different kinds of attraction. It’s not clear whether the bond described here is platonic, romantic, queerplatonic, or something else entirely – it just shows that the singer is attached to someone, feels happy around them, and enjoys this feeling. I really love that it’s open to interpretation in that way, especially as I’ve often struggled to label and identify different types of attraction. Just thinking that I enjoy someone’s company and they make me happy, and enjoying feeling the way I feel about them – takes some of the pressure off trying to figure out ‘what’ I’m feeling!

Both verses feature the lyric “at some point I had changed a bit.” This shows that you’re experiencing a new kind of attraction to someone – a change in your heart and mind. It’s a realisation that this feeling is unlike anything you’ve ever felt, and feeling it feels like a change within your very being. At the same time, it can mean that recognising your identity as an aspec person can help you understand that your perception of yourself has also changed such that you can identify these new types of attraction. The realisation that this feeling is different, but interesting, is also shown in the lyrics – “the heart inside me got curious about you a little bit…” “it’s a bit strange I want to stop time like this for a while.” We’re conditioned to understand certain types of attraction (romantic, platonic, etc.) in certain ways – so I love how this implies that your feelings are somewhat taking you by surprise. You realise they’re different, you aren’t sure what they are, but at the same time, you enjoy it and want to go along with what you’re feeling.

The lyrics of the chorus are unconventional and kind of weird to hear at the first go – “I want to shoot a movie with you/Hold your hand, and walk, run, fly with you…” You wouldn’t normally say you want to “shoot a movie” with someone you love, but it’s really such a sweet sentiment – it conveys wanting to capture every moment with someone, wanting it to be beautiful and picturesque like a movie, which is what being with them feels like. These unconventional lyrics seem to mirror the unconventional ways aspec people experience attraction and partnership in their lives too! Soyoon also sings, “I can change the world to be with you,” which also seems to be about breaking the bounds of attraction. It’s as though she says, “I want to be with you, I don’t care to categorise what I’m feeling by societal standards. I want to change those conventions and labels imposed by ‘the world,’ forsake them all so I can feel these beautiful feelings and be with you!”

This song’s bright sound and sweet lyrics that are completely open to interpretation have a unique way of instantly sparking so much joy in my heart. I really love listening to it and watching it played live was even better – it makes us feel connected by the bonds we share simply cherishing each other as humans, regardless of conventional relationship structures or attractions

8. My Love Mine All Mine by Mitski and

9. love. by wave to earth

I truly fell in love with My Love Mine All Mine the minute I heard it. The first time I heard the lyrics “my love is mine, all mine…,” I thought of “my love” as referring not to a special person, but to love itself: “my love,” that is, the love I hold in my heart and feel towards the world. I was pleasantly surprised to hear Mitski confirm this in her Genius interview too and felt even more connected to it!

I love how the first verse and the chorus together show that while everything in the world is fleeting, the feeling of love that’s unique to you will always outlast everything: “Moon, tell me if I could/Send up my heart to you/So when I die, which I must do/Could it shine down here with you?/Cause my love is mine all mine.” You may die, but your unique way of loving will always leave an impression on those who receive it – it’ll shine on beautifully like the moon.

My Love Mine All Mine shows that the love you feel is yours and yours alone. The way you experience it is unique to you – even if you don’t identify with certain kinds of love, that’s an experience unique to you that will stay with you forever. It’ll fill up your heart in a special way only you can feel, and it’ll outlast you in the people you’ve shared it with in a unique way that only your presence can elicit. We as a-specs get so caught up in wondering what love we’re feeling, if we don’t feel enough love, if people won’t understand and accept us for experiencing love differently or not at all – this song denounces all of those questions to say that your love is yours alone to share, give, feel and understand. It’s an experience that’s your very own, and that in itself makes it enough, whole, complete and valuable! This beautiful message made me feel so content and valid in my own identity.

I associate this song with love. by wave to earth as well, which I’ve also talked about before. This song is equally beautiful at showing how love is a unique but valuable experience. It shows how love can be confusing and cause a shift in your very being, describing it as “a small wave in my small heart” that “breaks, hardens and melts.” Many notes are flat with an unexpected pitch, but sound beautiful and harmonious with the rest of the song, showing that love is imperfect, and yet, with it, “finally our world is perfect,” and we can “see [our] eternity.” Thus, much like Mitski, wave to earth describe love as imperfect and confusing, as it so often is to aspecs, but yet, it is ours alone to feel, and it is our unique experience of it, no matter what that is to us, that can make our world feel perfect!

I hope these songs validate your aspec identity a little more – and are a great soundtrack for this Ace Week! It was a bit hard to write this post as I worried about representing as many people on the a-spectrum as I could – but after all, I’m just one person and what I can speak of best is my own experience. However, whatever you experience as an asexual/a-spec person is valid and wonderful, and you are a valuable part of this community! I hope this post could bring a little more of that community to you. I compiled a longer playlist featuring some other songs about platonic attraction and other a-spec feelings that you can find linked below! [hyperlink] Thanks for reading and Happy Ace Week!

playlist:

Spotify

Youtube Music

References:

SDL

A Long Dream