#and if it gets cancelled im genuinely gonna have a breakdown

[binders-and-beanies]

Mental health updates under the cut I guess (tldr I’m still not ok but am taking steps to keep myself safe or whatever)

Told my supervisor I’m in crisis and he was super understanding n supportive n whatnot. We both are trans and have mental health issues and work in an lgbt center so one would hope it’s safe to be honest abt that kind of thing but it was a relief bc it also opened up a conversation abt scheduling moving forward n me having like 2 or 3 days off a week as opposed to the current 1 or 0. Esp since higher ups want me to work less anyways im like that’s totally fine bc i have a million things to do outside of work all the time.

Other thing I did was cancel a workshop I was gonna lead next week and it was a really hard decision. I would have been proud afterwards and I’m worried abt having regrets but I’ve done the same workshop before so it’s off the bucket list or whatev. Person in charge of that was also super supportive for similar reasons as above. It doesn’t solve the problem of there always being too many things stressing me out, and I don’t wanna set a precedent that I can just not do my responsibilities, but it eases a big part of the stress this month specifically.

Ppl in my life are saying they’re proud of me for setting that boundary and it’s weird to be praised for bailing on smth when I’m also feeling big guilty abt it but I gotta remind myself that being flakey is absolutely normalized in society and if ur average person can do so on the regular then I’m allowed to take One step back once it’s gotten to the point where my safety is questionable. I’d like to get to a point where things don’t get that serious in the first place but I’ve also never rly appreciated feeling blamed for being in this kind of position when the kind of things I’m busy with are mostly 1) things that are required for survival and 2) things that make it feel worth surviving. As if this is smth i do to myself bc i just <3 capitalism or smth

Im stressin tho bc as mentioned earlier my job is at risk for unrelated reasons which also means a lot of other things are at risk. This is happening at the same time I’ve just lost my insurance and have my biggest ever college bill to pay. And now I don’t know where I’ll be living or what that will mean for my finances either. It would also mean it takes even longer to qualify for any kind of credit, and therefore an apartment.

Even if nothing happens and I just keep working here for another year as planned it’s like can I not get JUMPSCARED w my livelihood being threatened like there’s literally always at least one Huge actual life or death problem as well as many other less catastrophic but extremely stressful things to deal w. I’m tired of living like that w no relief and I hate that the best case scenario is this fear ends up being for nothing. I hate that I’m thinking abt what I’ll do in x y or z scenario for this summer and my masters if this falls through, instead of enjoying the relief of one less thing on my plate.

I hate that this is how I’m doing the day after my birthday. I had a fun birthday weekend and am grateful for the people I spent it with and the places I went but it didn’t feel like genuine celebration it felt forced, like I was doing it because I Have to have a good birthday. Bc if one of the most important days of the year isn’t joyful then where’s the hope of any other days getting better. I did enjoy it I just couldn’t Feel the enjoyment bc I’m so stressed and I had major breakdowns before and after my bday. It sets a bad tone regarding aging and I want to celebrate progress but it’s hard when the future is more terrifying every year.

I feel like even if all my problems were magically solved, my ability to feel joy is permanently altered and it’s hard to imagine feeling anything more positive than just like, relief and rest. Idk I say all that to say I’m proud of myself for taking steps to make life more livable just like I’ve always done but it also feels kinda hopeless like nothing I do matters if it’s gonna be constant stress regardless

[mouseclub]

hi! i took your quiz and got "i hear a symphony" and i'm curious about the other results, but taking the quiz repeatedly is a hassle. could you post them or something? idk man

if you’d like me to, then sure!! fair warning though, i can’t remember if i mentioned it in the results page but the rest are nowhere near as pretty and are mostly kindof silly stories and memories about weird things that have gotten me disproportionately emotional lol. either way, i’ll put them all under the cut :)

claire de lune (but specifically from the danganronpa v3 ost)

CONTEXT: i'm the type that can listen to a song on repeat for literal hours while drawing/writing but one time i listened to this for around 40 minutes while making a drv3 animatic and it ended up throwing me into an existential crisis so fuckin hard i started questioning what i was doing with my life and why i was drawing and i had to turn everything off and go to bed. what this says about you is up for interpretation. godspeed

fuyunohanashi - given

CONTEXT: the last few episodes of given were coming out when the 19-20 school year started and the episode with this song in it came out while i was in class. naturally, i sat there in my 7th period AP lang class and watched it on my phone. problem is, the scene when this song is played shatters me like 50 stacked panes of glass under a hydraulic press and i needed to cry but couldn't because the room was PIN-DROP SILENT. needless to say the moment class was over i made a run for it and cried like a little baby to my confused but ultimately supportive friends. you're a core high school memory and an Emotionally Taxing Bop and you remind me both of wintery cool tones and the silly school memories i wish i hadn't taken for granted. like a snow day except i'm from california so i've never had that sauce. i respect it regardless

everything she wants - wham

oh god the memories. this one was from when i was really head over heels obsessed w this dude and at my peak yearning hours i wrote a wattpad journal entry saying i was gonna listen to this song on repeat until i "fell out of love with him." i forget the details but i guess i did? what this says about you i have absolutely no idea but the song is still a whole vibe and you remind me of funky shades of pink and purple so i respect u immensely

unforgettable - natalie & nat king cole

this ones SUPER fuzzy in my brain but the weird nostalgia from my childhood combined with the weird movie end-credits vibes of this song make me forget that i'm a person when i'm listening. plus the weird calmness but sense of Oh God This Feels Like It Belongs At The End Of A Movie makes me feel like im about to get game-ended which is unnerving. probably the most subtle yet deeply cursed entry in this quiz. i see you

this side of paradise - coyote theory

CONTEXT: this song reminds me very specifically of a few of my comfort characters/ocs and when i heard it the first time it shattered me like glass (but in the good way). im telling you right now youre a BEAUTIFUL soul this is the one entry that's in here not because i was overwhelmingly sad but rather overwhelmingly Oh God Im So Fucking Soft And I Need To Cry About It For Twenty Minutes. anyways i care you thanks for quizzing

jet lag - nct 127

CONTEXT: last summer i got on a flight for the first time since i was a small child and i was STUPID scared but i listened to this during takeoff all 4 flights and let me tell you. did not help. the song itself is chill and you probably are too, but there's always a lingering sense of dread underneath i simply can't shake. do with all this information what you will.

verbatim - mother mother

i used to listen to this song to cheer up bc the lyrics are Haha Funny and it fucking bops but then i got evicted from my childhood home and it... stopped working. this breakdown is one of my core memories so congrats! ur one of the only motherfuckers in this joint that can handle me. if you take anything away from this know your vibes are IMMACULATE and i appreciate you

heaven - exo

CONTEXT: my synesthesia used to go absolutely bananas to this song bc its so YELLOW and the shapes that bounce around in my brain are very pleasant, but a few years ago i was writing fanfic and i wrote the scene where i killed off a character to this song on repeat for an hour and it has never been the same since. it's like when you look at something's surface and it looks pristine but you just Know there's something writhing underneath... but a less intense version of that feeling, because i know it's just the memory i tie to it that makes me feel this way and the yellow vibes cancel it out yknow

scrawny - wallows

this one's pretty short and stupid. i started thinking about a stupid anime boy that i thought had basically died while listening to this song and fuck bro. he really was a scrawny motherfucker w a cool hair style. cue the waterworks. but then after an entire day of on and off mourning i found out he turned out ok and stopped. no i will not elaborate on which boy i am holding onto my last shred of dignity here. what this says about you i'm not sure BUT youre probably cooler than me and your vibes are immaculate i know it in my heart

i hear a symphony - cody fry

this breakdown was yesterday! i was reccommended this song by a friend and immediately fell in love, but it didn't fully hit until the song's climax. and let me tell you. it BROKE me. the a capella beginning, with the piano slowly coming in, then the strings, and suddenly it's growing and crescendoing and-- there it is. my synesthesia goes wild and i lack the language to describe what it looks like other than absolutely grandiose and gold and christ i'm rambling but despite it's simplicity-- or maybe BECAUSE of its simplicity-- if love were a song, it'd be this one. almost all of the other entries are funny anecdotes where i seem to cry about the silliest things but this one i genuinely cannot come up with a joke for and i'm probably biased right now because i'm listening to it on repeat again but damn. you won. you're golden.

[guess-im-emo-again]

I Made Notes While I Listened To The New BMC Album For The First Time

More than survive:

- Wills signature whine translates really well to Jeremy

- It was weird to not hear the stretch in “good morning”

- “Hnn GHA I wish I had the skill”

- More dialogue!

- Wills “micheal!” Is a lot less gay sksksk

- Boyf!!!!

- MOTHERS!!!!!

- High notes?!?!?

- I really enjoy the high notes but I’m sad we lost the desperation in the last two “christine”’s

I love play rehearsal:

- I’m so happy with this! My biggest problem with the cast recording has always been that it makes Christine look boring so I didn’t like her till I started watching bootlegs. Finally my goofy queen gets the recognition she deserves!

- Honestly I went to right down every single line in this song I’m so happy about it!!!

- I have too much to say about this one lol

More than survive (reprise):

-“ At least I didn’t have a breakdown, and have to go to the nurse” me too man

The squip song:

- “So suicidal” sounds sadder oof

- Wills fucking anime voice on “yOu GoT qUiCk!?”

- THE VOCODER YESSSSS

- Aw they cut the “picture this” verse :(

- AGAIN THE VOCODER

- The vocoder is supposed to be Rich’s squip holy shit

- Y’all behind the squip there’s his inner dialogue and it has a fucking lisp I’m so In love with this version.

Two player game:

- Tbh I’ve never liked this song a lot

- Micheal sounds high lol

- More 8 bit!

- How did “know that you’re my favorite person” go from “hey dude you’re my best friend” to “MICHAEL I LOVE YOU UWU”

- Honestly yeah I’m still bored by this song :/

The squip enters:

- Sexy anime girl is now sexy cat girl I see

- I....i completely fucking hate the squip.

- I cannot stand the new squid voice I want scary teacher man back

- “I do NOT”

- His singing voice is nice :)

- I hate the surfer/stoner voice so much

- Kinda a downgrade in my opinion

Be more chill pt.1:

- I do like the squips singing voice but I really really prefer to og

- SQUIP IS A DUDEBRO OH NO

- I do appreciate Jason’s aggressions in the “take your hands out of your pockets” line

- Jeremy sounds so sad in this :(

- “Everything about you makes me wanna die” *hyperventilating*

- Is...is that George just doing a silly voice

- “Everything about you SUCKS”

- ITS IS ALSKSKSKKS

- The looking sexy Brooke line is incredible

- -“she had a shirt just like this HEEH”

Do you wanna ride:

- Nothing is really different other than it’s a little faster and the “pink berry” but it’s already such a banging song so no complaints

- I can only think of the Boyfs version now oof

Be more chill pt.2:

- “everything about me makes me wanna die?

- “bE mOrE cHiLl....hehe~”

- COME THROUGH TRUMPET LINE!!

- Squip is a much better manipulator here, he’s not just scary

Sync up:

- “Come one go gGhAAAAA”

- This song is just a roast change my mind

- “You should ignore her” :( Jenna no

- The squip override is really funny to me idk why

- Overall a nice addition to the soundtrack

A guy that is kinda be into:

- Like “do you wanna ride” there’s not a big difference, but that’s okays because I love this song

- “I guess a part of me likes to- who knew?”

- The clapping is cute aww

Upgrade:

- another song I don’t really like lol

- Brook got all “Janet from rocky horror” With her voice and I dig it

- THEY CUT “take me inside you forever” IM CANCELING JASONS SQUIP OVER THIS

- Jearbear? What is this fanfic?

- Jakes character development makes me so happy!

- “Sounds like” “an act? Yeah is not” oh my god they gave jake so much character

- “Player 2” Fuck Jeremy Heere, in this essay I will-

- “I’m tired of being the person that everyone thinks that I am” watch me caption an edgy picture with that in a week

Looser Geek Whatever:

- *chuckles* I’m in danger

- “I felt....in-cons-e*quential*”

- “I knew I had no....potential”

- The beginning of this song sounds like words fail form DEH

- “Being lonely is stupid tough” OOF me too

- You shut the fuck up about Michael

- “geEk”

- I hate this I hate it it’s so much meaner than the og

- “the problem Has Always BEen ME” *music cuts out*

- Out of context this song is so good but in context it makes me big sad:(

- “I’m player one” no you ain’t

- Micheals gentleness is “Jeremy, you coming?” And then Jeremy’s panic and fear in “optic nerve blocking on” is so much better than the og

Halloween:

- this is my favorite song so it better slap just as hard

- “Wo-a-o-WOO”

- HARMONIES YES

- SAXOPHONE

- New verse slaps

- RICH SAYING “and gasoline” IS NOT OKAY

- I still prefer the og but this was really good

Do you wanna hang:

- I HATE this song so much already

- The dialogue really helps explain that this song is borderline assault

- Bitch sound like Lola from big mouth

- Asweep uwu

- Yeah I’m fully done with this song it makes me uncomfortable af

Micheal in the bathroom:

- Xylophone is way more prominent wow

- Come through synthesizer

- The music matching to “I wanna dance with somebody” is a gift from god

- He really portrays the panic attack so much better here wow

- That chest voice on “wish I was never born” hit me hard

A guy that id kinda be into (reprise):

- no comment tbh

Smartphone hour:

- I love this Jenna wow

- The high voice for “this shit”

- QUEEN OF VIBRATO

- “Yeah I know”

- “Jakes house” nice addition

- HOLY FUCK THE WOAH

- “Ignore >:(“

- Saxophone ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

- “For a tiny guy” “aww”

- That whistle tho

- The scream lol

The pants song:

- Oh new Mr. heere oof

- The dialogue underscore is Michael in the bathroom oh no

- He says pants so aggressively

- This song is another one of my favorites

- “He called me a looser-” “he called ME a looser”

- This dialogue is so sweet

The pitiful children:

- Woah new intro

- This version is....more threatening if that makes sense? Like this squip seemed genuinely dangerous

- THEY KEPT THE BEEPS

- “Oh and Mountain Dew” “okay 😋”

- JENNA COME THROUGH BABY

- The opera singer is singing smartphone hour lol

The play:

- That director is a big mood

- THEY CUT “to bad you don’t have one of those, anymore” IM LIVID

- Wills glitches without editing wow

- The dialogue is so sweet holy fuck

- “Hewwo jake will you make jwemy dwink this”

- The in sync screams lol

- The creepy twin dialogue is better

- The build up instead of harsh cut to Christine is interesting

- “oh god” “OW” Oh God” “GAH” OH GOd” “nooo” “OH GOD”

Voices in my head:

- New intro

- It’s faster

- RICHS LISP IS HERE OH MY GOD IM SO FUCKING HAPPY

- Rich sounds like such a dork omg

- Everyone unfollow me this is all I’m gonna talk about for a while

- New girl lines!! I like these ones better

- I just wanna know who Rich’s squip is okay

- They pitched Michael up

- Holy hell Im living for the squip interactions