#and if i don't manage to finish the research paper by may 6 for the first check‚ i still have until the 19th to do it

[bredforloyalty]

you know what? it's fine.

[mmmoxielady]

If you think you may have ADHD, don't suffer like I had to. I was diagnosed at 31 bc for decades all I knew was that trying and failing to reach normal hurt a lot. While the people around me who met normal were either better at hiding how much it hurts or were just actually normal. So I internalized decades of being abnormal thinking I had poor character: lazy, unmotivated, not a hard worker, gives in too easy, careless, not worthy, too stupid, etc. Shame was my normal.

My rock bottom was walking across the stage at 30 to get my bachelor's degree knowing I'd failed a sophomore level research writing class that is required to graduate. I'd already failed that class or withdrawn from it 6 times before. I struggled to finish college despite being in honors classes as a kid. Always loved the learning part of school, but hated the proofwork part of it. That tug of war is exhausting because they were always at odds with each other. I thought it was normal to be pulled taffy on the inside. I never understood how other kids could turn their shit in on time, while I only had excuses and late/incomplete work to show for it. It took me 2 attempts to finish college. 3 1/2 years after high school, a 5 year break bc I was no where near a degree bc I couldn't settle on one bc ALL THE CLASSES LOOK INTERESTING, then 3 years to walk across that stage, still failing.

I retook that class in the spring, but found myself already falling behind and stressed out before I even got to decide on my paper topic. The structure of the assignments and deadlines slipped right through my fingers. I resented how the fuck 19 year old kids were flying through this shit and I couldn't stay afloat at 30. On a whim, I googled "what does ADHD look like?" I ticked so many of the boxes on the checklists of symptoms I found. I'd spent so long depressing over the effects of undiagnosed ADHD bc I didn't even know I had it.

That started me on a path that changed my life. It was like finding a field guide written just for me. I always felt so alien when talking to other people, and here I found a bunch of information written in my mother language. It felt like finding a home in this messy jungle of life and I could add skills, strategies, and advocating for my needs to help me navigate it. For example, executive dysfunction makes planning, maintaining sustained effort, delayed gratification, prioritization, and time management near impossible for someone with an ADHD brain. Even Superman has kryptonite. Mine was a sophomore writing class that required ability in things that I am disabled. It helped me unpack a lot that had been in my way. I let my interest in learning about ADHD feed my hyperfocus, which I used for my paper. I learned what the barriers to diagnoses and treatment look like for girls and women with untreated ADHD. There's so much society gets wrong about ADHD. And it ends up hurting the undiagnosed bc the things they try to treat themselves with end up causing secondary health problems while the needs of ADHD go unmet.

I passed that class with a B+. Partly bc I was still late turning my paper in, but had an amazing professor who worked WITH me to tailor the workload to accommodate my needs. I couldn't have done it without her help and my discovery. I can't tell you how rewarding it was to finish school feeling like a fish in water as opposed to a fish trying to climb a tree.

Seek a doctor who specializes in ADHD testing and diagnoses. That process took me 6 months. 8 months before I got medicine, which is a game changer. I do best taking it daily. I can't skip it on the weekends. I don't miss feeling overwhelmed with chaos and crippled by time wasted. Go get tested. Would you rather have a Dr say you don't have it or find support meant for someone with your unique needs? Either one is better than suffering with an invisible Achilles heel that only slows you down or makes a mess out of everything you touch.

Finding out at the age of 20 that I have ADHD was very strange because the cultural understanding of ADHD is hyperactive 8 year old boys, and I am none of those things. But hot damn did things start to make sense.

For example:

Oh! So that's why some tasks take me hours

Transitions are not my thing

Similarly, changed plans are also not my thing

Yelling at myself to "just do it!" For hours for very simple tasks

General social confusion? I'm not sure when exactly this happened, but I feel like at some point everybody else took a course in "how to do social interaction" and I just... Missed it?

I will forget to eat

I don't know how long it takes me to do things AT ALL

One time, I got distracted while doing math homework and carved a smiley face into the kitched table with my pencil

I can literally spend an entire day in my own head just thinking

What do you mean it's not normal to get fixated on one thing and barely eat or sleep for a week?

Being in a class like: Do I actually have a question or did the professor already address this and I was zoned out?

Also being in class like: Have I been paying attention or was I just zoned out?

Sensory overload! Too many things! All at once! Apparently this isn't a normal thing to get!

I will pay attention. I will pay attention. I will pay attention. I will... Shit. I have not been paying attention.

When trying to go to bed at a normal time, sometime between me grabbing my towel and getting into the shower three hours sometime pass.