#and idk not to be materialistic but also would love something that someone very clearly did not pick up last minute for $20

[yuwuta]

i love gifts i would love to get a good one someday

[thedreadvampy]

Please stop describing aroace as not wanting or seeking out a romantic/sexual relationship. The terms describe attraction, not behavior, and this is something that has been discussed and explained to exhaustion by aroace communities. I have personally also pursued relationships because I thought I wanted that kind of relationship, and too many people try to say that means I’m not really aroace. I have aroace friends who are in sexual and/or romantic relationships.

I’m not angry at you, I know you don’t intend to cause harm, and I generally agree with your thoughts on how Martin is characterized, but I am so, so tired of people who aren’t aroace telling us who we are, how we feel, and how we behave. There are so many easily-accessible resources and explanations about asexuality and aromanticism with respect to relationships, and I urge you do some research if you feel the need to define us.

I don’t mind if you don’t reply to this. It’s the sort of conversation I would rather have privately, but I’ve seen and experienced too much harassment targeting asexual identities to feel safe going off anon.

No I'm not going to stop doing that because my feeling on this is based specifically on conversations raised by and led by my aroace friends and loved ones. as in this is a frustration that a lot of people in my life who are aroace have repeatedly expressed - that there's no space to express clearly and unambiguously that you're Not Wanting Sex And Relationships because the linguistic space is slipping for that. and they've talked a lot specifically about how that's led to them feeling more pressured to push themselves into sex or relationships, or having to constantly explain and defend their space even within aspec communities. and that's a problem. not that people who want or might want sex and romance but consider themselves broadly asexual or aromatic exist, but that with the semantic drift around aroace, there's not really a term which unambiguously expresses that that's not something they do want.

Action is not the same as desire - having had or wanted a relationship doesn't mean anything for whether you're "actually" aro or ace, any more than having dated men in the past means you're not "actually" a lesbian. comphet is a hell of a situation. I'm not splitting hairs about attraction vs behaviour - I'm talking about desire versus lack of desire.

Yes, fine, good, you can act for a lot of reasons, only some of which are genuinely held desire (trust me I know this). I'm not debating that. I'm saying that the space that's shrunk away in contemporary aspec language is a term which unambiguously means "a person who does not have a desire to have sex or relationships."

In this example, Martin spends much of the story expressing desire for a monogamous romantic relationship and nothing in his story arc, his actions, his dialogue or his fears seem to imply that that's motivated by anything other than a genuinely held desire to have a relationship with a man he is into. He's not aroace in the same way he's not a trans lesbian like. yes he could be being led by common drivers - compulsory sexuality, the desire for emotional closeness, the confusion of working out which feeling's what, only knowing how to navigate relationships through a certain lens, etc - and yes he absolutely could be either of those things, but ultimately there's nothing in the text to support that conclusion as is. He is not written as aroace, and in terms of material questions like 'what assumptions do people make about you and what's a justified assumption to make' the two things that matter when it comes to "X is/is not [identity]" are:

what do they outwardly identify as

how do they behave and what desires do they experience and express

like you are absolutely right that it's shitty for people to try and tell you you're not aroace if you are. people know their own identities best. I'm talking about group terminology that's sufficiently materialist to make sense.

like when someone says they're aroace what are appropriate assumptions to make? that this is someone who doesn't want sex or romantic relationships in and of itself, surely? that sex and romance are either low priority or actively not wanted? that they're not likely to be open to attempts to initiate sex or romance, and that their rejection of that isn't personal? that they may prefer long-term to not have a partner and that not having a partner isn't a source of great pain and loneliness and doesn't indicate an unmet need?

like that's what the term means. a term boundaries a set of basic assumptions. that doesn't mean nobody in that group can then turn around and say 'actually I am sad I don't have a partner' or 'actually I think I do want to try a relationship with you' or 'actually it's very validating when people flirt with me'.

similarly like an assumption it's reasonable to make about bisexual people, and an assumption that's embedded in the term, is 'is interested in sex or romance with people of multiple genders.' that doesn't mean I can't be bisexual and also have a complex relationship to what if any sexual or romantic desires I have and why. but it means that if I'm talking about bisexual people, I'm expecting you to join me in the assumption that yes we're talking about People Who Experience Multiple Gender Attraction. sexuality is messy and complicated let's not get it twisted. saying 'this is what the word means' doesn't remove the existence of complex experiences of self and of desire. but what the implied meaning of a word is matters and people were and are acting as if the implied meaning of 'aroace' has nothing to do with inherent desire for sex and romance which seems to me to leave a pretty substantial communication gap.

as I said in the tags - is there a more unambiguous word for 'people who are explicitly uninterested in romance and sex' than aroace? what is it? what is the word that's meant to go there? because THAT IS AN IMPORTANT THING TO BE ABLE TO EXPRESS UNAMBIGUOUSLY. and it doesn't mean I'm looking for a word that means 'has never for any reason pursued or experienced romance or sex' which I feel is how you're characterising what I'm saying (and I get that this is a triggering topic with a lot of baggage for a lot of people so I absolutely get why you're reacting as if that's what I'm saying). nor does it mean I'm looking for a word that means '100% gold star virgin who's never dated or had a sexy thought.' it means I'm looking for a word that means 'is uninterested in sex and romance' to describe a reason why somebody might choose to not have relationships, or to not have sex, or might have no sexual or romantic history through choice. key word might. but the fact is every time somebody uses aroace as a descriptor of 'reasons why people may choose not to have relationships' people end up 'correcting' them to say 'some aroace people have relationships' which is. kind of irrelevant to the point. some lesbians are married to men (comphet, changing sense of self, marriages of convenience, lavender marriages etc) but when I say 'she doesn't want to date him because she's a lesbian' we understand what the common understanding of lesbian is.

ultimately idk how to end this post. my point in the original post wasn't 'nobody who's aroace has experience of sex or relationships' but 'aroaceness is a reasonable reason why someone might not have had sex or relationships' and my point in the tags you're objecting to isn't 'aroace as a term should only include people who would never consent to sex or relationships,' it's 'a lack of inherent wish for sex and relationships used to be what we understood aroaceness to imply; now that no longer seems to be the implication and that leaves a gap where a lot of people, aroace and otherwise, struggle to express that experience'

[oliviaculpo]

YOU

NAME/ALIAS: Kelly!

TIMEZONE: MST! For good this time too :D since we just closed on our house here!! YAY! No more moving finaaaalllyyyyy

RANDOM FACT: I have two kitties and a cute great Pyrenees puppy! 

CHARACTER ONE

NAME: Lucky Caruso 

FACECLAIM: DJ Cotrona

BACKGROUND: 

TRIGGER WARNINGS: death, armed robbery, white-collar crimes 

Born & raised in Miami to a single mother who had no business being a mom.

High school drop out?? Nah, middle school drop out. Well, he didn’t officially drop out until high school, but he stopped going when he was HELLA young.

Really only street and survival smart. He knows basics buuuut yeah.

Nicknamed Lucky by his mom even tho he’s not lucky at all.

Has a deviated septum that he’ll never get fixed hahaha.

His mom died when he was 17 and she finally told him who his father was. So he went to find the dude and laughed when he saw them.

Figured fuck it since he was gonna be 18 soon so it didn’t matter. BUT his dad wanted to get to know him so like over time they got to know one another.

Now has two half-brothers Nathan and Lawson Marlowe and a half-sister Olivia Marlowe.

The Marlowe family had dipped into cheap versions of white-collar crimes.

So they focused a lot of like small investment fraud, identity theft, stealing social security checks, stuff like that. But they were nothing compared to like big dogs who had all this money from it. In fact, they were still pretty poor wannabe criminals lmao. Then again, their knock-off ponzi schemes weren’t that great.  

Eventually, he met Elena. And despite the fact that they fight like cats and dogs the two of them married….which was the worst decision ever. Like why did they do this to themselves???? Literally, do they actually even love each other??? Idk what even happened there okay. Lucky is just....yeah.

Went to jail from 27 to 28 for a stupid warrant he didn’t realize was out there. AND THENNNNN as soon as he was out, he got in trouble again…….

When Lucky was 30 he was on a job to rob a bank which was planned for a really really long time. He was nothing more than a simple associate with a cut of the money.

It blew up in their faces but only Lucky and one other were caught and taken in.

He was put on trial which lasted two years to finally finalize. During that time he was released on bail.

Eventually, he was sentenced to ten years which was a lesser sentence because he sold out the people he was working with because tbh he ain’t concerned about them I guess.

Served five years (one year was spent from being in and out during his trial period) until he was released for overcrowding and is now on parole and work release and has to do like classes for the state. 

Only just got out a few weeks ago and was sent to a halfway house but now he’s finally back and things are hella different. Very much wants a divorce and figure shiz out for himself?? like wtf he gonna do now??? 

HEADCANONS: 

Has a deviated septum (I know it’s listed above but he literally can’t sleep because of it) so he has sleep apnea. 

Doesn’t drink or do drugs. Really doesn’t do anything associated with drugs honestly. But people tend to assume that about him given his lifestyle. But he does smoke cigs which is bad too but whatevs!! 

Headcanon for the future but I’d love for him to enroll in some online classes and actually get his GED??? Since he dropped out so young. 

LOVES a good laugh. If you can make him laugh you’re cool with him. He’s actually a really mellow guy. He’s not standoff-ish and doesn’t try to be intimidating you know? He’s like a gentle giant if anything. Sure, he has his moments but for the most part, he just like walks away from people who piss him off. Especially now since he’s on parole and can’t exactly do shit to mess with that. 

WANTED CONNECTIONS: 

I don’t have much for him aside from like family stuff and like his estranged wife and an ex. Other than that I’m completely open and I’d LOVE stuff for him. Enemies, friends, someone who helps him out, someone he helps out. Someone to make him laugh hahaha. 

CHARACTER TWO 

NAME: Isla von Dehn 

FACECLAIM: Olivia Culpo

BACKGROUND: 

Miami girl born and raised. Granddaughter of Hyatt Robert von Dehn. Aka co-founder of Hyatt Hotels. Which means she comes from a lot of wealth and all that jazz, even after they sold the brand to a diff fam and started their investment business.

Because of that, she became really in love with the idea of just spending money all the time. Like Naomi Clarke from 90210??? Who just loved buying shit. 

Definitely more than a pretty face but she didn’t really care to prove that she was until later on in life??? 

Not the type of person to judge, hate and all that. Like yeah, she has her moments, but the materialistic things don’t really make her a selfish brat. She just loves life’s luxuries ya feel?????? definitely feel?????

Nicknamed LADY LEGS / LEGS because she’s got a pair that goes on for days.

Accepted into prestigious college (haven’t picked which yet lmaoooo) because of her family and the fact that her father wrote a pretty hefty check. He wanted her and her older sibling to follow in their footsteps and whatnot.

But she didn’t want to follow in their footsteps really. Maybe she thought she did, but she didn’t. So instead she just hung out with her girlfriends and.... you guessed it, spend money. 

Eventually had a huge fight with her family and her dad threatened to take away her trust fund if she didn’t do something with her life and stop racking up so many high credit card bills. 

Felt underestimated so she stepped it up and graduated from college, got her bachelors, worked her butt off, took the LSATs and later the BAR buuuut failed which was really sad. So she was like clearly i’m not meant to go down that path, so she picked something else.

Eventually started working as a stylist at a high-end boutique and later became a personal stylist which was much more suited for her.  

Recently she married her boyfriend at her friend’s bachelorette party in new orleans. and everyone is like wtf???? why would you marry him y’all only been dating for a few months now???? but whatevs i guess do u girl??? 

She’s is honestly just the type of person who wants to enjoy life and what she has. 

She’s pretty much a recycled and fixed up version of an old charrie of mine named Phoebe????? so yeah she holds some things that are very near and dear to my heart <3

HEADCANONS: 

Lmao loves glitter. Has so many sparkly tops because she’s lame like that. 

Incredibly, incredibly close to her family. Yes, her dad can be harsh sometimes but he means well. He just wants her to succeed and she gets that.

Doesn’t really do drugs like at all?? But her friend circle def does. She’s more in love with shopping LMAO. Confessions of a shopaholic okay. 

Has two cats who she loves soooo much. 

Will always let you raid her closet. 

Has over twenty small tattoos (inspo from Chiara Ferragni) all around her body. Her mom hates them but she finds the body to be like a canvas. 

WANTED CONNECTIONS: 

Again, like Lucky, I don’t have much for her yet. But I’d love like friendships, enemies, chance encounters, sibling-like friendships, friends to enemies, enemies to friends. Anything!! I’m also very open to like just going with the flow you know?