#and i've visited other parts of virginia (where i live) so if that counts

[sleepingwonders]

It's been a while since I've written

06012017 I don't even know where I've left off, to be honest. I think I was still living in my apartment. Well, fun fact, I moved out. Today, I actually turned in my keys and I'm officially moved out of my first apartment. Where'd I go? Back up to Seattle to live with my mom again. Honestly it's because I'm suicidal as FUCK. When people ask me why I moved back I say "in short, therapy." They don't know why I'm going to therapy so it's fine. Anyways I'm getting bad again I was supposed to go to California this summer to visit my dad (which if I'm to be completely honest... I don't like going there. I always cry and feel like the most biggest spoiled piece of shit because I'm too white... I need to fix my Spanish and learn how to live life as the Guatemalan I am.. but like I wasn't raised like that... please remember you took a SEVEN YEAR leave of absence from my fucking life. Anyways not the point). I was also supposed to go to Virginia... but I don't even know if that will happen either. I want to cry because my mom made me feel like shit for not wanting to go to my dads because he deserves to see me more than anyone else in Virginia... like ok but like not ok bc I jUST saw my dad in March for my birthday and then before that for thanksgiving and before that for my graduation and before that for spring break and before that for a month in the summer anD SO ON. I last went to virginia OVER TWO YEARS AGO FOR ONE WEEK COUNT IT UP ONE FUCKIN G WEEK. but now it's fine if I just don't go anywhere because now I have a job and it doesn't matter what I want this job needs to become my life. I'm getting bad again. I'm getting angry and impulsive. Slowly actively suicidal too. I'm hallucinating, so much death... when I say that I MEAN I see everyone around me dying. STRANGERS KILLING THEMSELVES IN FRONT OF ME, myself killing others... and best, myself killing myself at any given time. My dissociation has gotten worse. I'll be driving and forget about the fact that I'm driving and realise I'm going 10 under or 35 over. Like I legit had to catch myself going 90-95 mph before I was like "shit better slow the fuck down"... I can't hardly remember why I talk to people anymore. I just want to like disappear. I want to camp in a little cabin and just disappear for a hot minute. I don't want to do anything anymore. I know that if I really wanted to I could just throw myself off the roof. I could. I huge part of me wants to admit myself to a ward because I'm a danger to myself. That's how I've been though...