#and i'm too tired to! sadly! if i had the energy i'd go out everyday but i just don't have the spoons atm

[cinnamon-phrog]

I ran out of vitamin D tablets and my energy is depleting,,, I had none as is but fuckkkkkk I can barely stand. Maybe this is why I like sunlight coded characters I'm deficient as fuck

[sschmendrick]

More than a year later I answer.

Hello Leska from the past. Oh how many things have happened. I remember that I wrote this just a few days after my first attempt. You've come a long way, and it still wasn't easy on you. But I'm glad you held on.

The therapist I found was nice, but didn't turn out to be the right one for me. I found another one recently, he's doing better at it. It might work this time. I hope.

💚 Oh dear past Leska, I'm not doing much better. BPD went unchecked and I had more complicated months and episodes. I'm back on treatment though and it seems to help. To tell you the truth, it was such a disability and obstacle I could barely work without exploding. The meds help tremendously. As for self-love and self-respect, I'm still trying to get there but the way is...long and slow. I need to open that self love workbook more often, really. I do have friends though ! My irl friends and I are still going strong and I still have a few good friendship/mutualships here. Also I know you're asking that because you felt you'd felt your closest friends when writing that message. Don't worry, you got some of them back, with some time. You made others and they have not treated you well and now these friendship have almost faded completely from your mind and all that's left is to cut the ties. That could be that beginning of self respect. As for that one goblin, I am not sulking anymore because I think I created these feelings out of fear, but I have reconnected with someone I had a crush on a few years back. We need to get dinner together someday she's relly near me.

🍁 Leska...I love them so much. Sadly, Karl, the singer, died soon after they were forced to postpone the concert. They have since started playing concerts again, but not having his voice...I can't do it yet. As for Canada, I still love the place, and Montréal and I would still love to go back there. My crush and I share Montréal actually. I'd love to go live there and work there for a bit.

🐱I'm sorry Leska, you wrote this two years ago but there is still no cat in sight. I've been trying my best but there were...complications. Now though, in 2025, I might have a better shot.

🎵I got my diploma not long ago !! I got the major I wanted and I did well in it :) I'm happy I finally went to the end of something and didn't change studies again. I did manage to go to one festival in 2023 then one in 2024, and then found a good internship that got me all the months I needed. And yes I have friends who like me, they don't really say it and it'd be weird to ask them to tell me it, but I have some really good people around me.

🧑‍🤝‍🧑They still are here ! And new names have been added. Some I see less, some I've been really happy to rekindle with, some I see on my dashboard and even though we aren't into the same stuff anymore I'm still happy to see them. Some others I thought were mutuals, even friends, but I was mistaken.

I'm glad I held out and kept trying. You had so much hope for me, and some has happened but I'm not as far advanced as I wish I were. The BPD got really bad again, multiple times and one time too many and that's when I truly needed to seek help to preserve myself. And that did me good. I'm still very stressed out by how one friendship breakup is breaking me as well but I have meds to help me, and friends to help me get another perspective as well. Then again I should have known that by being unmedicated and unskilled in dbt and tcc I would eventually attract people that are just like my abusers by making the same mistakes.

I met amazing people in my line of work though, and they've helped me keep going. They've been encouraging and very insightful and wells of experience.

I have been very tired lately but I believe it's a mix of doing 20km on my bike everyday, the friendship breakup, and workign so late at night in the dark for the most part. I've taken up drumming and it gives me energy somehow but I still miss horseriding and volleyball.

I have no clue what 2025 will look like because a lot of my plans have drowned, because of that friendship breakup. I might stay with my family for now, see how money I can spare, get my driving license, and find as much work as I can.

Thank you for the message, Love,

Leska 2024

Hello future me and Happy One year !

Well who doesn't like anniversaries ? Something to be reminded of !

On the 6th of November last year my closest friends at the time told me to not talk to them again until I get fixed by a therapist 🙂. Though I did need to go to therapy and get work done with a therapist, I also needed support to go through all of it and not just be me and my therapist. 💔

At the time I'm writing this, I haven't had my first session with my therapist yet (tomorrow) but I hope he's the right one and I'm still seeing him and doing progress as still post goes up.

💚 Dear Future Leska, how are you doing ? Is it going better ? Do you feel a little more grounded, less dependent on others, maybe a little self love or at least self respect ? How are you battling depression ? Do you have friends ? Are they old ones or new ones ? Have you found someone to be comfortable with as a partner or are you still thinking about that one goblin and sulking?

🍁 The Cowboys Fringants concert has happened so tell me, how was it ? Did you go alone or did friends accompany you ? How do you feel about Canada ? Do you still want to go there ?

🐱Did you get a cat in the end ? How are they doing ? Do you have pictures to show me ? Give them a little kiss for me please, I've been waiting for them for so long.

🎵 How are your studies going ? I hope you got in your final year...you better ! Did you get the major you were thinking of or did you change your mind ? I hope you managed to find interships otherwise we are so screwed for next year... Did you manage to do some live work ? Or at least go to a festival or two ? Were you accompanied ? I truly hope you have friends who love you, and let you know it, now.

🧑‍🤝‍🧑 Tell me, how are the mutuals ? I know you can't forget them. How's Coop, Shade, June, Lina, Jestroer, Red, Hale, Apollo, Dee, Hekate, eMe, Hira, Gamebird, Sae and all the names that would pop up in your notifications ?

Tell me what's going on, tell me all the good things that happened, tell me the bad ones too, tell of your battles and how you survived. When I attempted suicide a year ago for you, they asked me what I wanted to become when I grow up when I was a child, and what I was hoping for the future. I have no real ideas for the future, I feel very lost and with nothing on my mind but I know I love you. Weird right ? I can't love myself right now but I can love my future self. I want to love you and I want you to feel loved, and wanted, and comfortable where you are. Just know that 21 year old us is looking up to you, they are looking forward to meeting you. I want you to be alive when this post goes up. I want you to smile and be happy, I want you to feel stable and surrounded by people who love you and will let you know. People who will not let you down when you need them, but also people you feel comfortable asking for help. You can do it, I believe in you. I have no other choice than to believe in you, and I don't want to make another choice.

Take care, I love you,

Leska

[amandayuebing]

So, how is married life?

I know it hasn't really been that long, but every time I take a little hiatus from my blog, it's not that I don't have anything to write, but I feel like I don't know how to write anymore.

I also recently realised that I've written about what our wedding was like, but I still haven't talked about how married life has been. It's one of the questions I get asked so much as a newlywed, but it's also one of the hardest questions to answer.

Married life has been...

Wonderful!

Stressful (but a lot less stressful than wedding planning...)

Tiring...

Amazing.

All of the above, all at once.

Honestly, there's a lot to say, but at the same time not a lot to say? Also, tbh when people ask me, I'm not sure what they want from me 😂. It does seem like an awfully personal question, but I'm sure it's one of those polite things people ask to make small-talk.

But yes, married life has been wonderful, because we finally get to come home to each other after the end of the day. Whether my day was good or bad, being around him makes everything that much better.

Getting used to each other's living habits is a bit of an adjustment though, and it is sometimes stressful, but nothing we haven't been able to handle. There are all these little things which require compromise, which you only learn about from being married or living together with someone.

Things like what they eat; the body wash, shampoo or laundry detergent they use (trialling whether or not we want to use the same brand to save space in the bathroom and money buying two or more of the same type of product); sleep habits (for example, he's a hot sleeper and doesn't like too many blankets and I'm a cold sleeper).

There is a bit of an adjustment period, that we're only now starting to get out of. Not just because we've never previously lived together before, but neither of us have actually ever lived with anyone else before, aside from our own immediate family.

As some of you might know, though, I previously lived by myself during my final years as a uni student in a tiny studio. I loved it.

I called my apartment my own little "Koriko"; the city by the sea in one of my favourite movies, Kiki's Delivery Service. I even had a little blog dedicated to it named "My Own Koriko" where I'd write in it like my diary about all my little adventures... All the everyday little things I'd learn about living independently which felt so exciting at the time. It was so much fun. It's a shame I took it down...

It's been tiring because suddenly, living independently, there's always so much to do and not enough time (or energy)! Suddenly as married adults with our own home, time has become so precious. We really have to prioritise things like:

Cooking and meal planning. Oh my goodness, while living at home I seriously took for granted how hard it is to just think of what to eat for the week and plan out our grocery runs...

Exercise. Squeezing in time to exercise is still something we're learning to prioritise, because often if we go to the gym or whatever straight after work, it means we'll end up having very late dinners by the time we get home and start cooking... Sometimes we also plan to go for nightly strolls after dinner, but for some reason lately, it's always been so rainy. At other times honestly, we're just too tired. It's something we both need to get better at. (Also personally, I still haven't found a type of exercise that I enjoy enough to commit to. I used to really enjoy barre and HIIT classes, but the places I went to have closed down, and the classes for the gyms around us sadly don't suit my schedule 🥲)

Cleaning. There's always something to clean. From the kitchen, each time we make a meal (which is 3 times a day), to laundry, to needing to vacuum almost constantly because somehow there's always dust and always so much hair (my hair...)

Socialising. I'm sure a lot of you can relate to how hard it is for schedules to align as adults... Even harder since Covid.

Time with our families. It's a difficult balance spending as much time as we (reasonably) can with our ageing parents (especially after Dad had his stroke), also spending time as fairly as we can with both sides of the family, and wanting our own independence.

Dates. After all, we're a married couple and not roommates.

It's been amazing, feeling like our little apartment is becoming more and more like our own, starting to get into a rhythm of what a typical week at "home" feels like; being able to visualise a little clearer what the future looks like.

Whilst home doesn't feel like my own little Koriko, it's been really nice...