#and i'm reluctant to even say i'm trans because i don't want to hijack the fucking label or anything
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well - sandra bullock
#just feeling so horrible#i know i'm physically unable to transition but#it still makes me feel horrible that i'm not what i say i am online#like i want to go on hormones but can't and yet i still feel bad abt not seeking it out or trying to get it#but i literally can't#like i have so many obstacles in the way#and i know i don't need to explain it to anyone#but i have this like persistent thought in my head that i'm not like#what i say i am#and that i'll never be who i want to be bc i'm a fraud#like i'm a liar trend hopper whtever#this entire gender identity thing that everyone even people in the lgbt community think is a trend#and i have so many thoughts that r like#Well a Real trans person wouldn't think that or dress like that#if i dress like femininely#the thing is i have such a weird relationship to femininity and girlhood womanhood etc#i feel very attached to it bc well i was forced to live the negative sides of it#with other girls i felt very alienated like i wasn't really That#they all did it right and i just happened to be on the same plane#and then was forced to pilot the plane with no instructions#i don't know what being a girl is except the horrible things i had to experience bc ppl said i was one#and everyone around me has said that this entire thing is a phase and that i'll get over it#it doesn't feel like one#i see myself struggling to pin my identity down for the rest of my life tbh#and i'm reluctant to even say i'm trans because i don't want to hijack the fucking label or anything#even tho i highly resonate with every trans person ive ever met#but it's like#i feel like i don't even do that right#i can't even tell what my own feelings are#like am i dysphoric or socially anxious
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