#and i'm just eating through this one like I'm the very hungry caterpillar or whatever | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

toloveandbelovedtoo · 1 year

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Day 4: hunger

I'm exhausted as I write this one. I had spent most of the day with my sister and her two kids who are almost 2 and 4.5 years old. We had gone to a plant nursery after I had run some errands to the Walgreens and a very overstimulating boba place before I got there. My nephew had thrown a few tantrums as kids do, we had gardened in the backyard, and I ran around playing a bunch of games.

By the time I left after just 4.5 hours, I was tired, exhausted, and hungry but I had to make the drive back to my house which was going to be a 30 minute drive. I felt so out of it today, just not fully there at times and while I was driving home, I felt so sad and anxious. I wanted to cry and even as I write this, I still do a bit and I might. I remember thinking about this problem I had in my head, the feeling of losing a community, being upset that I didn't feel interested in anything, and how frustrated I was with my emotions.

It was about half way home when I was thinking about giving my sadness and frustrations space, and trying to not think if there was a cause to any of it. Because sometimes there's not really a cause for feeling sad or upset, but I'm still figuring out that space in between finding a cause versus sometimes you just feel whatever for no reason. I think maybe it's the ease and quickness to it? If it takes a lot of probing and nothing comes up, then it's just one of those days if that makes sense?

Anywho, I digress. I had realized that this project in being vulnerable and open and exploring love amongst the other emotions was just an all over new experience and I was outside my comfort zone, so I felt frustrated and sad and I uncomfortable with where I was and everything just felt so off because I am experiencing my space through new lenses and new tools. I remember talking with a few friends a few months ago about how I felt like I was in a metamorphosis, at that time I described being the caterpillar goop. But now I'm the newly hatched butterfly and I'm learning about my new body and wings.

This is a lot to be so open, so visible, so myself with so many people to see me and my thoughts. It's not to say that it invalidates my feelings of a lost community that I was experiencing and feeling my lost of interest, but the way and intensity that they were sitting in my head and heart felt so much louder and messier and intense than I would have normally felt. I remember walking in my door and just feeling so tired and wondering when this was all going to feel normal again and just wanting to feel okay and wanting to be okay and worried that I was spiralling into something dark and concerning.

I sat in my bed eating the arepas I got from Guasaca on the way home and after eating and laying down, I realized how exhausted I was. My eyes feel heavy, my body feels sore, and after some time of just laying in bed doing a word game, I came back to my feelings and saw they had shifted. I felt more stable, I felt like I wasn't spiralling, I felt more in my skin. So I realized I might have just been hungry since it was 7:30pm when I ate and I last ate at 10am. Again, not to invalidate my feelings and thoughts, but it explains the intensity.

I feel like this day was harder to see the love, I'm struggling with my emotions today and this feeling of being exposed and open with so many people. I know I want to keep doing this, I want to learn how to love myself, how to love, and how to be loved. I want to know that I matter to others, that it's not something I have to convince myself is true. I want to learn that I am loved for my goodness, my flaws, my whole being and that I can be messy, I can make mistakes, I can be dumb, loud, forgetful, different, and funny, silly, sweet, kind and just be me. I'm learning to flap my new wings and the wind feels scary but it feels so worth it.

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