#and i'm done contorting myself into the shape of shame in order to appease someone i don't need to appease

[the-ghost-of-jason-todd]

i’m enjoying voltron more as a casual fan than i did when it was my hyperfixation.  never thought that would be how it worked out, but here we are.  focusing all my free time on every aspect of voltron and the fandom was ultimately unpleasant--stepping back to enjoy the show at my own pace and ignoring everyone’s goddamn opinions is oddly peaceful.  there was something ruthless about the front lines of the fandom that set my teeth on edge.  i never fully relaxed, honestly.

i was pretty afraid for a bit there that the anti/anti-anti divide was going to gape open and swallow me whole and i’d never be able to look at voltron without my problematic goggles on.  i thought i’d never escape that sinking feeling of liking something that antis deemed a problem.  you know what i mean?  that ‘if you were a good person you’d NEVER even THINK of enjoying x problematic character/trope/ship’ rhetoric that’s designed to punch people in the gut with shame and guilt... it permeates fandom spaces and it hurts so much to face that constantly.  it was like mental flagellation, lmfao.  for every impure ship you look at uncritically you receive a strike, and you only need one strike to get blacklisted from decent-sized parts of the fandom/put on a blocklist somewhere/get bombarded with anon hate/called an apologist.

and i mean, obviously i still like discourse.  i have opinions and i’m always ready to hear new things.  but i’m not about that life of moral perfectionism--i’m not into deciding who is safe and who is unsafe, who shows the right amount of respect for the right demographics, who is pure of heart.  it’s just... the parameters for all these things are constantly shifting and it’s impossible to stay on the cutting edge of purity.  soon enough what was once pure becomes problematic and that’s just how it is.  and besides that, i like to think that people can change, you know?  i can’t stand how hostile the environment gets--how casually people will tear each other apart.  

it was miserable how stressful it was trying to navigate discourse and form objective opinions while everyone around me was invested body, mind, and soul, willing to crusade for their beliefs.  i’m glad that after everything i can still enjoy any piece of it.