#and i'm doing my best to write fewer unhappy endings

[trainsinanime]

15 Questions 15 Mutuals

Thanks to @kasienda for the tag!

1. Are you named after anyone?

No.

2. When was the last time you cried?

I can't recall, but it must have been some movie.

3. Do you have kids?

No.

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

I used to, especially back in the days when I would argue about politics on video game forums. But all that stuff only ever made me (and the people I was talking to) angry, so these days I try to not get into political arguments and be more genuine and kind. It doesn't always work, but I think I've gotten better.

5. What sports do you play/have played?

Swimming, but on a very low level. My experience with sports in school quickly led me to a point where I defined "no sports" as one of my character traits. But it turns out that's bad for your health, and I genuinely feel better if I'm fitter. Swimming is the best I've found.

6. What’s the first thing you notice about someone?

Color of their clothes, I guess. I'd like to give a more interesting answer, but I'm terrible at noticing stuff about people, let alone remembering it.

7. What’s your eye color?

Brown

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

Definitely more happy endings than scary movies. I'm also okay with unhappy endings if they're well done, but I've never had any interest in scary movies.

9. Any special talents?

The classic stereotypical "good with computers", I guess. I also seem to have endless brain space for useless trivia.

10. Where were you born?

German Democratic Republic

11. What are your hobbies?

Model railroading and all that comes along with it, including a tiny bit of woodworking and a bit more electronics. Also photography and fanfic writing. Which one I do how much fluctuates a lot over time.

12. Do you have pets?

No, I never had any.

13. How tall are you?

175 cm

14. Favorite subject in school?

Maths

15. Dream job?

Something similar to what I'm doing now, perhaps with fewer hours, better pay or more control over the end product.

I feel like most of my mutuals have already been tagged, so I couldn't get to 15. If you have been tagged before, please ignore it, and if I missed you, please consider yourself tagged:

@fearlessinger @heartfulselkie @hamsteriffic @samsimisauser @kyuunonana @steelblaidd @bojanus @oblivionhold @restfield @lurker-no-more2814 @shpider @torrilin @gentil-minou @lordmartiya

[thejakeformerlyknownasprince]

What if the Avengers were the Animorphs? I'd think it wouldn't go that well, but I'd like ta hear your opinion.

Nonny, I 100% agree.  Assuming this is a universe in which the six original MCU Avengers bump into Elfangor in a construction site just before what would otherwise be the events of the Avengers movie, a few thoughts on just how badly that would go:

None of them would morph.  It’s a new technology, it’s a technology they don’t trust, and it’s a technology that threatens their sense of autonomy, which for Clint and Natasha especially would be a giant flashing “NOPE!” sign.  They’re intelligent adults, and they’d almost certainly talk themselves (and each other) out of using it.

Probably Tony would express an interest in at least giving it a try, in the name of Science!  Probably Bruce would, very gently, tell Tony that attempting to transform one’s own body using untested technology does not tend to end well.  Probably Tony would take Bruce’s point, and just not morph.

This is also a team of people who have pre-existing weapons with more firepower and fewer drawbacks than morphing affords.  If mind-controlling aliens are invading, they’d probably fall back on tried-and-true methods like hammers and arrows.

Steve would immediately tell The Proper Authorities about the invasion.  He would not listen to Elfangor’s (or Tony’s, or Bruce’s) warnings about The Proper Authorities.  Not because he doesn’t believe them about yeerks, just that he honest-to-bob believes in The System.  He’d believe that 15% of cops being controllers isn’t enough to make all cops bad, and would totally believe that if they can just make sure everyone knows about the invasion then they can surely muster a resistance movement from among his fellow Americans.

Steve would not properly estimate just how many casualties this move would result in.  The authorities being 15% yeerks is still plenty of yeerks to get 50% of people killed in the crossfire.  And The System is not exactly capable of standing up to a strong battering from within the way that Steve might hope.

Not only that, but an open invasion (which Steve would accidentally kick off) gives Visser Three license to do everything in his power to annihilate the 90% of humans they don’t need for host bodies.  And given that the yeerks can cook an entire planet from the outer atmosphere (#52), that would not end well.

If Steve would handle the news of the yeerks the worst, Natasha would handle it the best.  Can’t trust anyone or anything?  Can’t reveal your secrets to the world?  Need to protect your identity at all costs?  Cool, she was already on that train well before Elfangor arrived.

Honestly, Natasha might pull an Alice* gambit: grab Clint, burn their identities, and run for the hills.  They’d still be working on trying to solve the alien thing from within their safe house in the Chilean wilderness, but if their plan didn’t succeed then they’d be well positioned to just... stay put and let their friends do the vainglorious dying for the cause.

Thor would probably take a far more measured approach to the problem.  He’d definitely fight anyone who attacked him first, and he’d be more than happy to destroy yeerk pools and ground-based kandrona generators and the like, but he also wouldn’t concern himself too much with the bigger picture the way that especially Steve and Natasha do.

Honestly can’t decide what the most irresponsible thing Tony could possibly do with yeerk and/or andalite technology, but by gum he’d find it and do it.  Possibilities include:

Sneaking off in the middle of the night to test the limits of the morphing tech, Bruce’s warnings be damned.  Note that he still wouldn’t be weaponizing the morphing; he’d just be doing things like trying to morph plants or trying to acquire DNA samples without living animals attached or trying to demorph after 1 hour 59 minutes.

Using andalite communications technology to hack all yeerk and human lines to everything.  Whether or not he’d actually get anything useful from this big BIG data would depend on how distracted he got by trying to find proof that Nick Fury listens to boy bands or Captain America secretly watches porn.

Trying to make his own chee, at home, in his garage, using only what he’s seen of the chee themselves.  Obviously this would end in Ultron, who honestly couldn’t really make the situation all that much worse.

Buying the entire Quaker Oats company, and copyrighting their maple-and-ginger instant blend.  Again, this one could go really well or really badly, depending on what he does with that copyright once he’s got it.

Also: Loki would get his ass handed to him by Visser One before he was on Earth more than 10 minutes.  And none of the Avengimorphs would ever know that they’d dodged that bullet.

* [Twilight saga spoilers]: In Breaking Dawn, Alice foresees that her family’s well-meaning but stupid plan to challenge vampire authorities is likely to get them all killed.  Knowing she can’t dissuade any of them from the plan, she settles for packing up her hubby and running for it.  They do end up finding a way to save the day while they’re off in Chile, but it’s strongly implied that if they hadn’t then they would’ve just stayed put, poured one out for their dead fam, and carried on with their lives.

[nblmnblnb]

wednesday, june 22, 2022

i'm broke as fuck and cannot afford to buy microsoft word since my subscription finally expired, so i'm left making journal entries either here or on google docs. nobody follows this blog and i assume nobody reads it, so it's probably fine to just do it here. if you're reading this...idk, why would you?

i finally Finally found a way to get medication. i'm supposedly now being subscribed venlafaxine, which is the anti-anxiety medication i took most recently that seemed to work the best, through an online website thing that's actually advertised on tumblr, which is highly embarrassing. it's supposed to be delivered next week, and it's probably going to take 4-6 weeks to start working, which sucks, but it is what it is. i'm just trying to hold on and not quit my job out of despair in the meantime. i'm currently sitting at home because atlas was exposed to someone with covid and i'm Technically showing symptoms (ie allergies in this rapidly changing spring/summer weather) and i still haven't gotten my pcr results back. i just hope to god i'm getting paid for this because i have seventeen entire dollars in my checking account and zero in my savings and all my money is on my credit card, which is terrifying and upsetting.

however, the bright side is that everything is paid for this month, and i was planning on putting july's rent on my credit card and immediately paying off my portion because i owe atlas almost $900 for my starter. i get paid this friday and i worked almost exactly 40 hours last week, so it should be a good paycheck. i also get paid again on the 1st, so between those two, i should be able to cover rent and everything that comes out at the beginning of the month, which is most of my monthly expenses. i wrote everything out for my remaining paychecks, and i can probably find a way to make my student loan payment due halfway through the month instead of at the beginning so i'm not always paying it late. they haven't charged me late fees yet but i'm worried they may if i continue to pay it late.

i'm floating the idea of working at fedex part time, like two days a week, and bartending or serving at a higher-end restaurant (where i can make $30-40/hour) on friday and saturday nights. this way, i can probably work only 4 days a week with fewer hours, and while it will be a weird schedule, i can work to make it consistent week to week. my paychecks will also be relatively consistent, and i can write during weird hours when the mood strikes me. i don't think i'm a monday through friday, 9 to 5 kind of person, and trying to make myself that way is making me miserable. my job is labor intensive, and it's just plain difficult for me to do 40 hours a week (closer to 60 with an hour total commute every day and unpaid breaks i'm required to take). it's making me deeply unhappy, and i'm just not going to continue to be able to carry on like this for very much longer.

however, i have zero bartending experience (though i do have years of restaurant and food-handling experience) and i'm wondering if it would be a struggle to break in to the industry (in a place where the stress would be worth the pay). i have to make at least $30/hour with tips (before taxes) and preferably closer to $40/hour to make the whole thing worth it, and none of that is guaranteed. i don't even know what the base pay is (though seattle minimum wage is above $17/hour and i think king county is above $16). i think i have to obtain some sort of certification, and since i'm not much of a drinker and don't know popular drinks, there's a lot of learning i'd have to sit down and do. it would also be a heavily customer service-oriented job, and i would likely have to put up with people i don't really want to deal with. my goal is to be at a gay bar, but i imagine those are more in-demand and harder to just get a job at with no actual bartending experience. being at a loud bar surrounded by loud, drunk straight people sounds terrifying, and that's not even to mention, you know, the pandemic.

i just really don't know. i know i can't keep working full-time at fedex forever. i also feel like it's pointless to make the effort of trying to get some sort of planning job. i just feel like i'm going to be become burned out and overwhelmed no matter what i'm doing if i'm trying to do it 40 hours a week. if it was an office/desk job or work from home job, then maybe i could because i could spend some time dicking around, but those either pay $18/hour for grunt work or you need a degree or experience i don't have, and there doesn't seem to be any meaningful in-between area. i literally cannot make less than $25/hour for 40 hours work, and i really, honestly need to work around 30 hours a week for my mental health, and no more than 35. i think working a full, difficult week last week is what literally made me feel sick this week. my body and brain have literally had enough. i pretty much constantly have headaches, i struggle to stay awake almost all the time, my stomach and digestive tract and are almost always upset, and stress and anxiety are taking a toll on almost all parts of my body. i'm literally going to have a heart attack before i'm, like, 32 at this rate.

my dad's voice in my head is telling me that i'm not doing enough, that i need to just "deal with it", but i have to push it out. i have to remind myself that i'm not like him, and i don't have to do what he says. he's quite literally on the other side of the continent, and he can get mad and stay mad about my choices for all that i care. i transitioned and did everything else without his approval, and i can do this too. i know who i am, and i know what i am and am not capable of. it's okay that i'm not like other people. i don't have to be anything other than who i am, even if it's an anxious, sensitive, autistic, "different" person. this world is not built for people like me, and i can (and should) modify it to fit my needs. a monday-friday "normal" workweek is just not for me, and i need to stop trying to force myself to do it. i had to quit the bank after a year and a half (and multiple panic attacks) and i'm probably going to have to quit fedex after 13 months of doing it again. i just can't, and that's okay. i can figure something out. getting on medication and clearing my head a little will allow me to figure things out too, i hope.

i need to try to think about good things. we're going to the seattle pride parade this weekend, and paddleboarding out near north bend. we're also planning a road trip to utah to go to moab, canyonlands, and arches in september. i need to think about the good things that are happening and not the bad. i can figure this situation out. i really did genuinely enjoy working at restaurants, and as long as i'm not doing it all the time, i think it would be manageable (same thing for working for fedex). i can also look into transferring to the renton/kent fedex station so i a) have a shorter commute, and b) can potentially become a swing driver and make $2-3/hour more, since i already don't know the area very well. i could work an 8-10 hour shift monday and tuesday or whatever combination of days they need me. i can probably check on the fedex portal and see if they're hiring part-time swing drivers and/or ask managers about transferring. i could just mention that i moved and also that i have another part time job lined up.

i know that i can make something happen here, and figure things out for myself so that i'm not painfully broke and unhappy. i need to use the things i've learned about myself to move forward, instead of trying to force myself into being someone that i'm not. switching jobs will also give me the opportunity to meet new people, people that i have more in common with and could potentially become friends with, which is another huge problem. working mostly alone sounds great until i don't actually get to meet anyone and then feel awkward around my coworkers constantly and never talk to anyone.

i want to, and i Need to, make a better life for myself.