#and i'd argue that it would probably be better for my mental health lmao

[balanceoflightanddark]

Well... I don't think that Azula hallucinating Ursa is her first hallucination.

Her reaction is slight initial surprise but then she's immeadiatley just ... annoyed. She isn't shocked or freaked out at all. It's like she's used to it. She talks to the hallucination as if it was just another day. Then she smashes the mirror, like she is fully accquainted with the fact that this isn't real.

That's not the reaction of someone who sees and hears their lost mother for the first time. No way.

(Ofc some people don't like to headcannon in this direction of her having long-lasting mental illness and prefer to think it was just a single breakdown. Which I get and is super fine).

Just thought, objectively looking at the scene, there's no freaking way this was her first hallucination.

It looks like she's been dealing with this for quite some time. And surely alone. She couldn't show weakness to Ozai. And I don't think the royal palace is big on mental health.

;

Headcanon that fits this:

Despite Azula's betrayal of Ozai (lying to him, failing him etc.), he still planned to keep using her because... that's what narcissists do. They use you as long as you can be used. And Azula is super useful! Why would he throw her away after all she did for him? When she is still so desperate for his "love"? When she could still be so very useful to him?

He wanted to keep using her, but when he saw Azula starting to "lose her mind", he decided to ditch her.

Iroh: "She's crazy and she needs to go down"

Ozai: "She's crazy... gotta ditch her. (...) Better give her the throne she never wanted so she doesn't kill me. Lmao if she turns on me im dead this bitch has blue fire, killed the avatar and conquered Ba Sing Se. She different. I still can't read maps and fire only comes out when angry"

...okay. Let me just preface this with saying that Ozai's last sentence is hilarious, is completely in-character, and should be framed.

I should also say that...since we're gonna be going into territory which is a bit of a sore subject for myself, whatever I say is not an attempt to tear you down. I do not believe in that and will try to keep this as levelheaded as possible.

With that said, while I certainly respect your opinion on Azula...I still don't believe that she has a mental illness that results in recurring hallucinations. We only have the one scene and there's only so much we can get from that. And I certainly don't think we should base everything we know of a character over their worst and lowest moment. I know because...I was guilty of that with Zuko.

But I digress.

This masterpost belongs to my dear friend @prying-pandora666 who goes into quite a bit of detail concerning Azula and mental health if you're interested. But the crux of it is, when looking at it from the lens of a professional, we don't have any evidence that Azula was mentally ill. Does that mean she wasn't? No. Of course not. It's just we don't have too much onscreen evidence to make a definitive conclusion.

And even if Azula was mentally ill (I don't think she was and was probably suffering from a mental breakdown), one should be careful to make sure it's not overemphasized to the detriment of her upbringing and Ozai's bullshit. After all, even the best kid wouldn't last too long under his parentage without getting SOME kind of trauma.

As for your headcanon, I don't necessarily believe Ozai was aware of Azula's deteriorating mental state. She didn't show any signs of it initially and he left before things got really bad. In this case though, I'd pin the blame more on Ozai's lack of focus on Book 3. Is it possible he saw the signs? Yeah, and I can believe that. Doesn't make him any less of a scumbag for abandoning her. I'd argue it makes him even worse since he left her when she needed him most after years of presenting himself as the only stable adult figure in her life.

And as a quick aside, can please stop using the "crazy and needs to go down" quote as evidence? Eshasz and Greg Baldwin both said that Iroh was in the wrong there for saying that.

...sorry. I have autism which can be constituted as a mental illness, so I get a little bit tender when discussing this. There's nothing inherently wrong with Azula being mentally ill like so many would say and you're completely within your right to believe she is. My personal advice would be to just...be careful is all. Treat Azula as a person instead of a mental illness, never try to give people the wrong idea about mental illnesses or misdiagnosing characters (especially minors) and you'll be fine.

[obsessivelollipoplalala]

https://www.tumblr.com/riaaanna/742595222477881344/i-just-want-to-add-that-my-blog-is-not-a-space-for?source=share

It's interesting to me because I didn't know they were not on good terms then + John was more willing to do Queen than Brian att.

Oh yeah, I'd heard this before, that Roger criticized Brian for going out on the BTTL tour soon after Freddie's death, and in turn, Brian criticized Roger for The Cross. I think it was a really hard time for them and they weren't coping well. It's common for people to argue with each other and not be on good terms when in the early stages of grief. They clearly moved past it. Here are my two cents lol:

Brian has said repeatedly that he brought up the very issue of doing his solo stuff at a time that was likely to be very soon after Freddie's death, but Freddie immediately gave him his blessing and said (I think semi-humorously) his death would be good publicity for him. Brian said it was one of, if not the last real conversation he had with Freddie. I don't think Brian did anything wrong by doing his BTTL tour, and we know now that Brian was pretty much running away from Queen as much as possible because he couldn't handle the grief. It was this running away that made him reluctant to revisit the unfinished music they'd made with Freddie for Made In Heaven. What essentially got Brian back to Queen was Roger and John beginning to finish the album without him, and he wanted input. He especially didn't want Roger or John to touch the last song he made with Freddie, "Mother Love."

With The Cross: sorry not sorry but it's so weird that Roger went and made his own band while Queen was still very much a thing lol. Like, I don't know, I get that Roger wasn't thinking of leaving Queen, but if I were in the band, I'd probably feel a bit weird, too, if one of my band mates of many years turned around and said, "Hey I have a new band now <3" It just seemed so random. It's extremely funny that borhap (derogatory) tried to act like Freddie "killed" Queen by having his solo album, when in real life, Roger made another entire band lmao. Not that he was killing Queen, either, I'm just saying it's a weird thing.

With John: yeah, it seems like he was very much willing to still be part of Queen and finish their last album in the early 90s, but by the late 90s, things changed. Sure, he didn't want to perform live anymore, but as I've said before, there's a difference between that, and completely ghosting Brian and Roger for the rest of their lives. I don't know what changed, it's almost like his mental health and/or personal relationship to Queen and his grief got worse over time, not better, to the point where he couldn't face any of it anymore. I don't know. We'll likely never know. But yeah, in the early 90s, Brian was basically the one who was too unstable to face Queen, and then by the late 90s, that person became John.

[prince-icarus]

honestly if i could just live my entire life without leaving my house i'd be alright

[bowievanfleet]

it's you [jake kiszka]

pairing: jake x oc (sort of, they have a nickname but y/n still applies!<3)

genre: angstyyy, fluff, enemies to lovers >:)

warnings: mentions of poor mental health and overthinking, cursing, itty bitty tiny mention of skin picking, arguing, emotional whiplash, crying, i am very bad at plot development and dialogue

word count: 4k

inspired by it's u by cavetown :)

a/n: guys!!! its been so long!!!! and i am back with a DOOZY. i don't know what possessed me to write this, maybe the copious amounts of rain we've been getting here is getting to me lmao. but, i am very, VERY happy with how this turned out. this is prob my favorite thing i've written to date. it'll probably be edited/rewritten over time but nothing too dramatic.

also, i'd like to say that the idea to give the reader a nickname to kind of personify them was 100% inspired by the lovely maddie, @hearts-hunger <3 go read her stuff NOW because she's so insanely talented its not even funny. also shoutout to my love @emadamssssssss for helping me out with pepper's backstory. everyone say thank u em!! anyways im done rambling now, i rlly hope u enjoy this. <3

also yes i had to have my little star wars moment at the end. i will not be taking questions or criticisms.

SONGS (v important for this one) its u- cavetown / climing up the walls- radiohead / chinese satellite- phoebe bridgers / i'll be seeing you- billie holiday / lilac wine- nina simone (jeff buckley version also works!)

-----

“oh god, it’s you...”

-----

you genuinely didn’t know why you were there. 

something, maybe an invisible string, or a magnetic field, dragged you to his door at 2 am. you stood in the pouring rain, the water mixing with your own tears pouring down your face. you didn’t have any idea what possessed you to come. you tried to go through the reasons in your head: on the outside, you convinced yourself that he was a last resort, that because no one else was picking up the phone, he was the only one you had left to go to.

“better to be with him than by yourself where you would do something stupid.” you would tell yourself, when in reality, you had only called one other person, josh. who didn’t answer likely because he was passed out on his couch with a bottle of tequila on the coffee table, you knew that was his routine on saturdays. you didn’t have the energy nor courage to call anyone else, which led you to your second reason: 

that realistically, deep inside of you, you knew the reason you had gone to him was because you simply wanted to be with him. you had to do something to satiate the hunger you had been feeling for the past two weeks since you saw him at one of josh’s stupid parties. your body craved him, your mind craved him, every single cell in your body craved him, and it was embarrassing. 

you guessed it was perfect timing, your racing brain giving you a perfect excuse to go to someone. it wasn’t just the fact you wanted to be with him, you needed to be near anyone. if you sat there on your bed, staring at the walls for one more second you knew you were going to break. 

you were overthinking more than you ever had before, mostly about him, but also about everything else. it was all getting too overwhelming, you desperately needed contact with someone, something. it was pathetic to be showing up like this, but what else could you do? text him? “hey, i’ve kinda been thinking about you every single waking moment for the past two weeks, can i come over?” the more you thought about it, the more you realized that even that would’ve been better than standing at his door in the pouring rain. 

you don’t know how long you stood there, contemplating if you should knock or not, 

before he took it upon himself to make the decision for you. you jumped slightly as the door jerked open, earthy eyes taking in your state with a confused and concerned spark in them. 

you were confused as well, until you remembered that doorbells with cameras existed. you looked over to it, silently cursing it. you looked back to the eyes staring at you, and realized what a contrast you two must be. 

he looked the softest you’d ever seen him, in a pair of plaid pajama pants and an old oversized guns n roses shirt. his face had a golden glow to it, courtesy of the various wax warmers and candles that were placed on almost every surface of his home. they reflected off of his eyes, making them seem almost caramel instead of the dark brown you would often see. 

it softened them, turned them from a stony tigers eye to a dark topaz. the sight of him and the energy radiating off of him was almost enough to stop the tears streaming down your face, but then started them all over again as you realized how gentle and beautiful he was. how pathetic was that? his beauty brought tears to your eyes. 

his facade was gone, he was no longer cold and cocky, dark and stoic. he was looking at you like he didn’t want to rip you to shreds for once. 

you had only seen this once before, when he was drunk at josh’s house and you were the only two left in the living room. he was falling in and out of sleep on the couch, and after watching him for a while, you finally trotted over to him and draped a blanket over his half-asleep body. his eyes snapped open at you, but they weren’t hostile. they were almost... loving. appreciative. adoring. 

you went to stand up to go to the guest room, but he caught your hand before you could get too far. you stayed like that for a moment, watching him stare at your hand in his, then with a slow, deliberate stroke of his thumb against your hand, he gently let go. 

he looked at you for a split second, and then rolled over on the couch, bringing the blanket up to his chin and cuddling around it. you spent all night wishing he was beside you in the guest bed.

“...pepper?” he asked tentatively. you were snapped out of your thoughts by the nickname he had assigned to you so long ago. you thought for a second about the stupid name he had reserved for you- 

you were friends with josh for a while before you got introduced to his family. you were college roommates, and one night he finally decided to invite his brothers over for dinner in your apartment. 

you decided you’d make a hearty meal of kraft mac n cheese, but with added seasonings to make it “gourmet” as you and josh liked to call it. 

when you were mixing up all the seasonings, you put in a little too much pepper than needed, but you panicked and just started mixing it around, trying to even it out as much as possible. 

when you awkwardly served everyone, waiting for their reaction, jake was the only one to speak up. “jesus christ this tastes like shit” he said. everyone immediately turned to look at him with wide eyes, surprised and embarrassed that he would be that outright. 

“what?!” he shrugged. “just being honest. if you're gonna make dinner for us at least make it good.” he said, but continued to eat the pasta anyway. 

josh looked at you sympathetically. “it tastes fine y/n, just a little spicy.” he reassured. and it turned out, by the end of the night, everyone’s half eaten bowl of mac n cheese ended up on the counter next to jake's empty one. 

if you had known him better, you would’ve teased him relentlessly. but instead, upon doing the dishes, you smiled fondly at the empty bowl. the first of many small signs that there wasn’t all hostility between you two.

that didn’t make the name stick, however. what made “pepper” become official was at one party the twins had thrown. you and josh were busy setting up everything beforehand, while jake was on a beer run. “what do you wanna start out with?” josh asked, flaring his hands dramatically toward the family’s extravagant vinyl collection. “hmmm...” you debated, kneeling down to scour through the records. once you found what you were looking for you demanded josh to turn around, wanting it to be a surprise. you carefully placed the needle on the black disc, the opening sounds of sgt, pepper’s lonely hearts club band ringing out into the spacious living room. 

josh instantly turned around with a grin, taking your hands in his obnoxiously, the both of you starting to scream out, “IT WAS TWENTY YEARS AGO TODAY, SERGEANT PEPPER TAUGHT THE BAND TO PLAY!” 

you loved moments with josh like this, screaming out songs you both loved, not a care in the world. you always felt so alive. that was, until you heard the door open, choosing to ignore it until you saw his figure stalk through the doorway. 

he gave you a simple scoff and an eye roll, before quickly taking the bags in his hands to the kitchen and returning to the living room archway, leaning against it in a manner that made you want to storm over there and kick him. 

“you’re just pepper all the way around aren’t you?” he teased, you flipping him off while josh muttered a “shut the fuck up, jake.” 

you started toward the kitchen to start setting the drinks out, jaw clenched in irritation. 

why did he have to ruin everything? you were having a great time with josh, your own sunshine, before the rain had to storm in and drown it out. 

“awe, did i make you upset, pepper? i’m sorry.” he mocked, fake pity in his tone. “just fuck off.” you gritted, tring to focus on getting the drinks set out. “of course pepper, anything for you.” he teased, raising his hands in surrender and stalking off somewhere else in the house. 

-

you stared at each other for a long while, almost talking with your eyes. 

after a moment, his flashed with a gentleness you had never before seen in your entire time of knowing him, not even that night on the couch, and the only thing you knew, right then and there, was that you needed to be in his arms. 

you let out a shaky exhale, “jake-” you sobbed, all but lunging toward him. your body crashed into his, your arms winding around his middle and your head finding a home in his neck. 

he stood frozen for a second, obviously not expecting your sudden action, but after half a second of hesitation, he closed his eyes and let you melt into him, wrapping his own hands around you slowly, one belting around your lower back to keep you upright and the other going to the back of your head, threading through your hair and scratching your scalp lightly. 

he would switch between scratching your head once he figured out you liked it, and slowly rubbing his hand over your hair, smoothing it down. 

the two actions made you cry even harder, your hands finding their way up his body and around his neck, trying to get as close as humanly possible to him. if you had it your way, you would melt your body into his. you wanted to mold him for the rest of time, to never ever let go, to always have his body pressed to yours. 

you knew this was the worst thing you could ever do, because the second this was over, you’d never be able to live without touching him again. you’d need it like you need air to breathe. every second of every day you'd need it. how would you be able to go on after this? constantly craving his arms around you, his hands anywhere and everywhere on you, his breath letting out soft puffs against your skin. you didn’t want to even think about it right now, so you let him hold you while you held him. 

he must’ve felt the same way about letting go, so instead of pulling away, he took his arm off your back to close the door softly, immediately returning it. 

he walked backwards to the couch, sitting you down without ever loosening his grip on you. he laid back, pulling you with him as he pushed your face gently into his chest, giving you something to cry on. 

you laid there for what felt like hours, even though it was probably only ten minutes, before all that was audible anymore was your occasional sniffle and his gentle breathing. 

“y/n...?” he whispered, still stroking your hair. “yeah?” you squeaked, bracing yourself for the arguing and embarrassment and teasing to start. but it never did. 

“what happened?” he asked, concern evident in his voice and you knew he genuinely cared about your response. but that scared you. why would he care about your feelings? it surprised you that he was even touching you right now, let alone asking about you. 

it was an act of human decency that he usually didn’t show. jake kiszka couldn’t give two fucks about anyones feelings excpet maybe his brothers’.  

you leaned up on your hands, hovering over him. you stared at each other again, his hands finding a home on your back, yours resting on either side of his face. you slowly sat up, forcing his arms to drop from you. 

“i’m sorry. i don’t know why i came here. just- no one else was answering and it was all getting too much and i just didn’t know where else to go and-” 

“hey.” he interrupted, grabbing your hands from where they came up to cover your face. “i don’t want you to apologize i just.. want to know why you came to me.” he said, trying to choose his wording carefully. 

you chewed on your lip, trying to come up with an answer before you realized the only one you had come up with involved being vulnerable, and you were absolutely not in the right state for vulnerability right now, despite the fact you had just cried into his chest. 

you got up and walked to the kitchen, searching for water and trying to buy a few minutes. you knew exactly where he kept them, so you grabbed one and went back to sit on the couch, further away from him this time. he noticed this, a flash of disappointment coming over his face. 

he looked at you as you drank your water and set it down, being the most patient you’ve ever seen him. 

you stared at nothing for a moment, noticing how his hands clenched and unclenched, as if he was yearning to touch you again. you were yearning too, but you couldn’t touch him again until you knew for certain that this wouldn’t be the only time.

“jake...” you trailed, both of your eyes holding so much intensity. he gave a look of realization, finally reaching to grab your hands like he had been so desperate too. you flinched away instinctively, you were going to keep your word on not touching him again. you started to get frustrated, “why do you all of a sudden care so much? you should’ve just fucking told me to go home the minute you saw me.” 

that cold facade slipped back on his face, a look of confusion and disappointment taking his face. “did you just want me to leave you out there in the fucking rain?! cause i would’ve been glad to do that if you really wanted me to, you should've just said so.” 

“well you’ve never cared before!” 

“i’m not heartless y/n!!” he hissed, pointing an accusing finger at you. 

“you think i am but I'm not. i just don’t see the point in wearing it on my fucking sleeve all the time.” that hurt. you’d always been a very outwardly emotional person, it was one of your biggest weaknesses, and to hear it being used against you stung like hell. he saw that comment affected you but he kept going. 

“if i was heartless, i wouldn’t have sat here and fucking held you like i did. as much as i fucking hate touching you, i did it to comfort you. because i'm not as cold as you think i am y/n.” your head snapped up, something he said catching your attention. 

“why do you hate touching me?” you inquired, brows furrowed. he shut his eyes for a second, before he dodged the question. 

trying to be as soft as he could again, he spoke, “why did you come here, pepper?” 

you thought for a second. “i don’t know. i just needed someone. i couldn’t be by myself anymore.” 

“why not?” he questioned, curiosity gleaming in his eyes. 

“because my mind would’ve driven me insane.” you admitted, looking down at your hands in your lap, picking at your nails. 

you were hyper-aware of the fact that you were slowly drifting more and more towards him. 

“what were you thinking about?” he questioned softly. 

“jake i can’t do this right now. i can’t talk about this.” 

“then i ask again, why did you come here?!” he almost begged for an answer. you finally looked back up at him, trying to distract yourself with the melting chocolate of his eyes. somehow he must’ve known your answer, he could always read you like an open book. 

he could tell that you two were on the same page, you just weren’t ready to be that vulnerable with him. so, he gave you a head start.

“you wanna know why i hate touching you?” he asked, his voice tense. you sniffled and gave a nod. he leaned in closer to you.

“because you, you are so fucking addicting that if i touch you i almost can’t let go. you have no idea how hard it was to let you go just now. i’m so hopelessly desperate for you, pepper. now, i have a good idea of why you came here. but i need to hear you say it, baby.” the pet name pushed you over the edge, and before you knew it, the tears were back and you were babbling out your confession. 

“it’s you, jake. it’s always been you.” you sobbed, leaning forward to press your forehead to his chest. he finally reached up to your hair again, almost audibly breathing a sigh of relief when his hands finally made contact with you again. 

“and i’m scared. i’m so scared of how i feel right now. its a need- i need you. i need to be near you. but i can’t- we can’t. we’re not good for eachother, we never have been jake. we bring out the worst in each other.” 

“i know, i know.” he soothed. “i feel it too y/n, i’ve always felt it. from the moment i saw you. it’s terrifying.” he agreed, and all you could muster was a small nod in understanding. 

“you make me want to be better. sometimes that feels good, the fact that i can change for you, to make you happy. but a lot of the time... it feels like it’ll never be enough.” he confessed. “jake, i don’t expect you to change for me. i don’t want you to.” he soaked in the words, leaning down to rest his cheek on the top of your head. 

“you know, i think you bring out the best in me. you know damn well i wouldn’t do this with anyone else.” he chuckled. you let out a small laugh too, leaning more into his chest. “jake im so scared. t-this feeling... it's so strong, too strong. why do you do this to me?” you begged. “i could ask you the same thing.” he said, hugging you tighter. 

“we have so much to work out before we can do anything. i mean we can't even go 10 minutes without arguing. jake we hurt each other too much.” you reasoned, trying to convince yourself more than him. 

“love is supposed to hurt, isn't it?” he countered. 

love.

you knew that’s what it was, you were just far too scared to actually address it. loving someone that had been heartless and selfish to you for the past 7 years wasn’t possible. but if it wasn’t,  then why did you feel the need to have his body near yours at all times? there was a part of you, and you could feel it in him too, that needed to have the pain soothed by him. it was like a fire burning in your stomach, and he was the water to put it out. his arms were where you were supposed to be. forever.

“we can’t walk away from this anymore, baby.” he added, making your body shake again with sobs. that's all you wanted to do. you wanted to run away and never see him again. 

that way, maybe the fire would die out and leave tiny embers that could be satiated by someone else. but you knew. you knew no one could put it out but him. he was the only one that possessed the right water to extinguish the flame of yearning in you. and you knew you were the only one to put out his.

and so, you let him hold you as you cried for the second time that night, grabbing at each other to get impossibly closer. you knew there was no going back now, that you were about to walk off the diving board and never get back up. but you wanted it. you knew you needed it. 

“there’s too much going against us.” you borderline begged. begged him to find a way out of this, begged him to push you away, to kick you out, to do something to  stop it. vulnerability was your worst enemy. 

“pepper. look at me.” he demanded, forcing your head up with your chin tucked between his fingers. “something has been drawing me to you for nearly 7 years. i’m not walking away from it now that we’ve finally got it out in the open. we have to move on. what’s past is past, and what we have now is everything we need. what are you scared of, darling?” he asked gently. 

“...vulnerability.” you admitted. he let out a sigh, maneuvering you so you were in his lap. “it's scary isn’t it, pepper?” he soothed, running a run up and down your back. you nodded pathetically. curling into him more. 

“you know what irritates me the most about you?” he asked, but not hostile. you scoffed. “everything?” you guessed. 

“no. not everything. there's a million little tiny things, but not everything. the biggest one though, is no matter how hard you try, you can't hide. no matter how much you duck and run, i would be able to pull you out of a crowd of a million people. no matter how hard you try to keep your head down and blend with other people, you can’t, not to me. you stand out like a goddamn star. that's what irks me the most." he said softly. 

“am i supposed to take that as a compliment?” you laughed. 

“mhm. it’s painful for me but you should know. sometimes i feel like you and me are the only two people in the room. you drown everyone else out.” he confessed as your eyes filled up with tears again, but not sadness this time. 

this time, it was an overwhelming blanket of love that draped over you. 

the relief that you were wanted by him. that you stood out to him as much as he did to you. you lifted your face from its place on its chest, resting your chin there instead so you were looking up at him. 

he softly took a strand of damp hair from your cheek, tucking it into place behind your ear. “see? i was vulnerable with you. now its your turn.” he encouraged lightly. 

you looked up at him for a second more. the words were on the tip of your tongue, running through your brain over and over again- iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou 

you finally found your voice: 

“i think i love you, jake.” you stated, voice faltering near the end. he cupped your jaw in his hand, 

“i know.” he nodded, his eyes filling with tears too as your hands threaded through his hair, clutching at every part of him you could reach, as your lips finally melted into his.

[yuuforia]

Okay so I'm new to the fandom and I'm hella intrigued? But the content is a bit touchy for me (specifically the rape, everything else is a walk in the park) and being a sexual assault victim myself, I'm a bit reluctant to join it? Mainly bc 1.) Mental well-being and 2.) Im worried people will call me out as someone who supports or justifies anything that happened in the game. I know it sounds stupid, but I don't want people to attack me over some eroge with a good plot. Any suggestions?

i don't know how old is this question so first let me apologize for a late answer, and second – this is a interesting question! whether you're still in the fandom or not, i hope you feel welcome 💜 there's like, five of us in this fandom.

euphoria is not for everyone, and i'll repeat it as many times as needed. the content is very shocking and hard to digest, there's this review by Annie Gallagher that sums up my feelings about it. i recommend giving it a read because Annie is way more eloquent and a better writer than i'll ever be, haha.

you do have the choice of skipping the scenes if they make you uncomfortable in any way, they're not exactly vital to the plot (which sounds absurd since this is a nukige we're talking about) and they can seem repetitive after a while. nowadays it's what i would do, honestly, considering my mental health isn't the best and hasn't been for a while

the second point is something i'd like to talk about! euphoria is a very controverse anime/visual novel and its plot doesn't really helps either, for a long time i hid the fact that i like it so people wouldn't attack me over it – but as i grew older, i realized what the fuck: this is just a game. hannibal is one of my favorite series and do you see me supporting cannibalism and murder? obviously not.

sure you can tell people euphoria actually has a plot and probably they'll laugh because sounds like a dumb justification, but anyone who finished the main route can tell you it's indeed a beautiful game with a good plot hid under a pile of shocking content and fetishes. it's not easy to convince people about this since the game is indeed known for being shocking/extreme, though

i guess it takes a certain amount of maturity to talk about this game? you don't really have to justify yourself to anyone who'll attack you over liking a controverse media without at least trying to understand the reason you like it. i spent years trying to tell people that i'm not into scat and neither i support sexual assault, and some people i know actually played the game and realized i was serious about the plot lmao

controverse media has always existed, and so have problematic characters. which reminds me of this tumblr post:

calling out people for liking something you don't really like is somewhat weird, in my opinion? and accusing people of supporting s/a or anything related just because of what they like does more harm than good. you can take this anger and fight for actual irl causes, you know? donate to charities and people who are in need instead of arguing online because "omg tumblr user yuuforia likes a controverse and shocking visual novel" imo

this is getting too long so i'll tl;dr it – euphoria is a hard novel to read, has a shocking beginning and it's not easy to reach the true ending since the road is paved with possibly triggering content. if it does not makes you feel comfortable, no one would judge you for it! always put your mental health first.

(i'd like to talk more about liking controverse media because there are some exceptions to it, i talked more about euphoria because i can talk about it for hours, but there's a difference between liking it – a vn with shocking content on purpose with a deep meaning – and liking content where there's no real meaning and it was clearly made just to please a questionable audience, as in loli/shota stuff)

[letsbeoutoftouch]

Back in December 2016, during a sleepover, my friends and I decided to watch EXO's Chanyeol's most recent movie, "So I Married an Anti-Fan". It effortlessly became one of my favourite movies, so much so that I rewatch it —at least— once a year.

Therefore, when it was first announced that South Korea was going to produce a drama based on the same story, I was thrilled. The feeling only increased when I found out that the male lead was Choi Tae-Joon, whom I loved because of Suspicious Partner. Later (to be more precise, this year), I discovered that the other lead was the one and only Sooyoung from SNSD!

The drama was filmed back in 2018, and it was supposed to air a loooot sooner, but it had a few problems and it finally came out this year. Since I don't like waiting for episodes to come out each week, I waited until it finished airing to watch it... And, today, I finished it!

So, here's my review, fresh out the oven!

· · ·

So I Married an Anti-Fan is a 2021 South Korean drama, featuring Choi Tae-Joon, Choi Sooyoung, Hwang Chansung and Han Ji-Ahn. It's based on the novel "그래서 나는 안티팬과 결혼했다" (So I Married an Anti-Fan), written by Kim Eun Jun and published in 2010.

· · ·

♡ PLOT:

The story revolves around Hoo Joon (Tae-Joon), a well-known idol, and Geun Young (Sooyoung), a magazine reporter. They meet during an event, where a series of misunderstandings leads them to have a bad impression of each other.

For this reason, when Geun Young loses her job, she's under the impression that it was Hoo Joon's doing and is therefore keen on "reveal" Joon's real character. However, her retaliation backfires, and she attracts a lot of attention as his "anti-fan".

Later, a TV producer approaches them both to star in a reality show. Geun Young and Hoo Joon accept and think to give each other a hard time on set. But, as time goes by, they get to know each other better and better.

· · ·

♡ EPISODES:

It's made up of 16 episodes, running for an hour each (i.e., your typical k-drama).

· · ·

♡ CHARACTERS:

-Geun Young (FL): She's the best character, hands down (I swear I'm not being biased because I love Sooyoung).

For some reason, I've seen a lot of bad comments about this character. I don't truly understand why some people said that she didn't stand up for herself or that she was so-so, when she dealt really well with everything that had happened to her. I'd like to see all those people in her shoes—I bet they'd have cracked up quickly.

Also, she's like the least toxic character I've ever come across in a drama. She waits patiently for Joon to deal with his problems and doesn't jump to conclusions regarding his relationship with In Hyeong and Jae Joon. She lets him do his thing, is an independent woman, and tries to be as little of a burden as she can to the people she cares about. So, props to her!

▫ ▫ ▫

-Hoo Joon (ML): Although I overall liked his character, I admit that if I hadn't previously watched the movie, I'd probably be wary of him at the beginning. But, don't worry: as the story progresses, you get to know him better. He's patient and thinks of other people's feelings and well-being a lot (sometimes, a little too much for his own good, but he's a good boy).

I felt the need to include that there was this one scene where he acts... In a way that I didn't find appealing. Fortunately, he isn't like that all throughout the drama. Also, he isn't toxic like a lot of the male leads in drama-land. If you're wondering which scene I'm referring to, here's a spoiler: *SPOILER ALERT* When he and Geun Young start dating, they are requested to film an advertisement together. In the filming, he acts all "jealous" because the dress she was wearing was too short for his liking. I'm sorry, but she's the only one who has a say on how short a dress she's wearing is—not you, not even if you're her partner *END OF SPOILER ALERT*.

▫ ▫ ▫

-JJ/Jae Joon (SML): Jae Joon is the second male lead, and he was portrayed by 2PM's Chansung.

I'm sorry, but I never could come to terms with this character, not even during the last episodes. If the writers' intention was for me to hate him, they (and Chansung's acting) totally achieved that purpose.

He is incredibly selfish and keeps this attitude up to episode 13/14. Towards the ending, the story tries that the audience feels some sympathy towards him—it is shown why he acted the way he did. Nevertheless, in my opinion, while his past may explain his actions, it doesn't justify any of them. That's why I couldn't bring myself to feel sympathetic or empathetic towards him. *SPOILER ALERT* In fact, I think Hoo Joon was too nice to be there for him in the last two or three episodes. *END OF SPOILER ALERT*

He's also outright abusive. *SPOILER ALERT* I mean, he slapped In Hyeong and broke her laptop ¿?... Even though I didn't like her that much, nothing justifies that kind of violent behaviour. *END OF SPOILER ALERT*

▫ ▫ ▫

-In Hyeong (SFL): She's the second female lead, portrayed by actress Han Ji-Ahn.

Oh, man. I had a hard time trying to wrap my head around this character. I was just going to say that I couldn't stand her because she was always purposely putting a spanner in the works, making everyone's life difficult.

However, as I was drafting this review, I began reflecting on the character and felt sympathy for her. She was in a vulnerable place—leaving aside that she felt abandoned by her first love, she had trouble trying to make her career take off, and she was in a really abusive relationship. It could be argued that JJ and In Hyeon were both toxic to each other, but it was clear that he was the one with the upper hand (he was the CEO of her new agency, which brings a real disbalance of power).

Moreover, it was hinted several times that all she went through took a toll on her mental health (*SPOILER ALERT* she was always taking pills to calm down, and she freaking tried to kill herself!!!!!!! *END OF SPOILER ALERT*). I believe she needed professional help to put herself back together, so she could let go of her past and finally leave that abusive relationship.

· · ·

♡ COUPLES:

Since this drama mostly gravitates towards romantic relationships, I'm including this section.

▫ ▫ ▫

-Geun Young x Hoo Joon: They are your typical enemies to lovers.

In the beginning, their relationship was tainted by a lot of misunderstandings, which led them to hate each other's guts (but, where's the charm in a k-drama that isn't filled with misunderstandings, am I right?). Once they started to spend more time together, they began understanding each other better. In time, they were able to leave their pride aside and got rid of their prejudices (yes, the story gives Jane Austen-ish vibes, so much so that "Pride and Prejudice" is mentioned a few times).

Their chemistry was alright. I would have changed some parts of the script that made a lot of scenes to be super cringey—especially, before some of their kisses (like, what a way to ruin such an awaited moment!).

The thing I liked the most about them was that neither of them was toxic, and they knew how and when to give the other person space. They were sweet, but not unbearable sweet—just the exact amount.

▫ ▫ ▫

-In Hyeong x Jae Joon: I don't know if they can be considered a true couple, but I'm adding them here just to repeat that I HATED THEM TOGETHER.

· · ·

♡ SOME PERSONAL INTERPRETATIONS AND THOUGHTS:

For me, the story tries to show the two sides of the same coin: things that may seem completely different, but are essentially the same. You can see it with Hoo Joon/Geun Young, their friends, and even with Hoo Joon/Jae Joon. Of course, this could be argued—it is just my personal impression.

Also, while the drama condemns some of the toxic fan behaviour, it sometimes romanticises it. *SPOILER ALERT* one fan freaking kidnapped him, and everything was suddenly alright ¿¿ Nuh-uh *END OF SPOILER ALERT*

· · ·

♡ DRAMA VS. MOVIE:

As I mentioned above, there's a prior Chinese movie from 2016 that was based on this novel. It features EXO's Chanyeol, Yuan Shan Shan, SNSD's Seohyun, and Jian Chao.

For obvious reasons, the story is shrunk down in the movie. There are a lot of things that weren't included in the movie, other things were overly simplified, and some stuff was missing and/or changed.

If you want to have a good laugh, then I recommend you to watch the movie. It's filled with non-sensical comedy that, in my opinion, China excels at. However, if you are more inclined towards drama, then the South Korean version is the one for you (you'll laugh, too, don't worry).

· · ·

♡ SUMMARY:

This is, basically, a sweet enemies-to-lovers, famous-person-and-normal-person story. If you like any of those troupes, then you're in for a treat.

It's a really lighthearted story that will make you laugh. Don't expect a complicated plot because there won't be one. It's ideal to have a break from all those dramas where you can't miss a single detail because you'll get lost, or from those dramas which plots are so heavy they end up tiring your mind out.

I loved the cast, and their acting was great (especially Chansung's, because he made me hate his character with a passion, lmao).

ALSO, if you like Sung Hoon (My Secret Romance, Oh My Venus) like me, then WATCH THIS DRAMA, lol. He has a guest role in some episodes!

· · ·

So I Married an Anti-Fan is available on VIKI!

· · ·

If you read the whole review, thank you very much! I hope you liked it.

[oblivionsgrace]

I'd love to hear those hyperfixation thoughts (also everytime you post ian and mickey I get closer to catching up on shameless)

Hello! omg haha thank you for giving me an excuse to waffle on about it. But also now that you’ve said that you’re gonna regret it because I’m gonna go ahead and write the essay that’s been brewing in my head for like 2 months and I apologize in advance.

But first oh no pleaseee be wary of catching up shameless. It’s really just as bad as it was before, and there’s a lot of tension in the fandom from what I can see, and I feel like it’s not a good for anyone’s mental health to get invested. Or maybe wait until the s10 finale airs (end of January) and then catch up on all the ian and mickey stuff, that way you don’t have to wait out the stressful cliffhangers and you’ll know how it ends. I just don’t want to be responsible for anyone getting themselves emotionally hurt by shameless again. But also I am glad that there is now a second person who I know doesn’t hate that I’m posting that stuff haha because unfortunately I am *in it.*

Okay hyperfixations! I have always been someone who is prone to hyperfixations, which I think has been both a good and bad thing for me. It’s bad in that I get over invested in something and it gains too much power over my mental health, so then if anything goes wrong (see, shameless sucking, that whole dnp at f*lix’s birthday fiasco) I feel a big emotional dip in response. Which obviously, like, is not good for my or anyone’s mental health!

But hyperfixations have also been really good for me because they’ve helped me get through bad times by being a distraction, or they’ve given me an outlet to be creative and really think about stuff in a way that I might not be getting in my life. And I think hyperfixations of certain things often come into our lives because we are lacking a specific something. When we fall away from the thing, it’s likely because our life or feelings have changed and we don’t feel we can get as much from it anymore. So this makes RE-visiting hyperfixations super interesting. Because it could be you need it for the same reason, but that’s unlikely because people change! So even if, say, you’re going through a tough time again, you’ll probably be in a slightly different place than before, so what you GET out of a hyperfixation and what you SEE in it will change. So the hyperfixation will be the same, but the experience won’t.

 Like, this is my second go-around in the phandom. I first, like, joined the phandom in 2010. I remember the buildup to pinofs 3 and 4. And at that time it was already clear to me that there was strong chemistry between them and thought they were probably more than friends, but to be honest I just thought they were really funny and enjoyed the banter. I wasn’t too invested in like phan per say, and so when 2012-2013 became a chaotic time in the phandom and dnp became much more weird towards each other on camera and I hated that and I hated all the speculation about it and I didn’t make it through.

I didn’t revisit Dan and Phil until November 2016. I missed the whole tatinof era, knew it was happening but wasn’t really interested. I went through a rough patch during that time where I had to pull away a bit from a lot of the people in my life and wasn’t sleeping well, and then one day I came across pinof 8 and…ohh boy. I was TRANSFIXED. I was like wow something is going on here and it’s complex and layered and fullll of love. And the first time I discovered dnp I’d needed to laugh. The second time I wanted to better understand love. So they became a little bit more of a case study for me, this go around. And then – who would have ever thought – I wrote a long-ass fanfiction ABOUT 2012. The me who was in the phandom in 2012 would’ve probably hated my own fic lmao. But that’s how revisiting hyperfixations works! You’ve changed and so the thing itself has changed.

And I don’t think I ever fully realized this until these past few months when I fell back down the god forsaken rabbit whole that is ian and mickey. (And shameless is, like, the textbook example of a BAD THING TO BE HYPERFIXATED ON lmao. I think even back in the time of s1-5 people would’ve said it was an unreliable hyperfixation, a sort of gamble in hell, and that’s especially the case now. I would argue that s1-4 were good, with a solid tone and arc, and then s5 started to lose its magic, and then s6-9 were so bad that they cracked the entire foundation of the show. Shameless will NEVER be able to recover from that and unfortunately never will ian and mickey.) I rewatched all of their scenes for the first time since like 2015 and found that I felt differently now about almost every one! Back in 2011-2015 I really enjoyed their dynamic in s4 and cared the most about that, but now I feel so much more aware of ian’s manipulative nature. Comparatively, I used to not care about ixm stuff in s2 at all, because they only had like 3 seasons. But now the idea of that summer!!! Makes me want to explode!!! Because that’s the summer that they actually like became friends and got to hang out and be just dumb young boys. The dugout scene kills me, is maybe my favorite of theirs overall. And of course the fact that I care about this more now is probably also because I am older and feel more badly about their lost childhoods, and so instead of wanting to push them forward as s4 does – mickey coming out, their famous kiss scene, etc – I want to rewind time and give them the space to be children and dumb in love. I never would have cared about that before.

So revisiting hyperfixations is kind of nostalgia but also a strange marker of time in which something that is old becomes completely new and also makes you aware of how you as a person have probably become new even though you might feel old or exactly the same. I don’t know it’s so weird! Time is so strange! Happy new year everyone!