#and i was supposed to go back to uni tomorrow. love it when everything is inconvenient for me❤��

[yyshcul]

my body be like APRIL FOOLS ❗❗❗[gets a virus that makes you projectile vomit for 6 hours straight]

[aemondapologistfrfr]

Your Favorite Flavor - pt2

modern!aemond x fem!dealer!reader

Part 1

Summary: Aemond accidentally sends you a text and he thinks you won’t respond but when you do and agree to visit him on campus over the weekend his head is filled with everything you guys are going to do. 

Warnings: 18+ swearing, smoking, drugs(weed), oral(f+m), i wanna say dry humping but no one was dry, p in v, unprotected, public 

Authors Note: i’m actually in love w writing this lil series so much 

Word Count: 5.5k idk i think this is so cute but it’s also so fkn filthy :) 

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After a particularly grueling late night study session in the library all Aemond wants to do is go back to his dorm and collapse into bed. Each step up to his floor feels as if it’s a mountain and by the time he gets to his door his eyes are basically shut. He grabs onto the handle and groans when he feels a piece of clothing. He drops his bag on the floor and sinks down next to it. He rests his head on the wall and waits for ten minutes before getting up and walking back down stairs.

The weeks following midterms have been getting better but he’s been distracted. His mind has been filled with you and he knows it shouldn’t be. You’re just his sisters dealer and you probably only fucked him out of pity. He can feel his face getting red the more upset he gets. He’s ashamed to admit that he’s read through your small message chain at least twice a day and is currently making it a third. 

He’s had a message typed out to you for a week now but hasn’t had the nerve to hit send. He pushes his phone back in his pocket and makes his way back to the library not having anywhere else to go. He sinks into one of the oversized chairs and pulls out his phone once more. His heart stops as he sees that he must’ve pressed send when putting his phone in his pocket. 

aemond: do you make house calls?

Gods it’s almost one in the morning. He stares at his phone willing it to go away until he sees the three dots pop up. You’re actually going to respond to him?

you: are you even home baby almond? we have a couple weeks left in the semester. 

aemond: i’m not even in my dorm. my roommate is occupied so i guess i get to sit in the library and wait. 

you: so you thought you’d text me hoping i could occupy you?

Aemond groans not wanting it to come off like that but it is the middle of the night. He racks his brain for a response and his heart races as he sees you typing again. 

you: and isn’t your uni like forever away 🙄

aemond: i didn’t mean it like that. i honestly didn’t mean to text you. i did. i have been wanting to but i don’t want to be annoying. i don’t even want to send this text right now. am i annoying?

Fuck he shouldn’t have sent that and he’s chewing his lip watching the bubble appear and disappear. 

you: you’re not annoying almond. if you were i wouldn’t have responded. i’m sorry you got kicked out of your dorm. and i guess, out of the kindness of my heart, i can make a house call for you.

His heart skips. He was joking. This was just supposed to be able to get a conversation going. Now all he can think about is having you spread beneath him on his mattress. 

aemond: you don’t have too, it's like an hour away. 

you: it’s the weekend tomorrow 🤷🏼‍♀️ unless you don’t want to spend your weekend with me

aemond: you want to spend your weekend with me?

you: if you promise diet dr pepper and chocolate 

aemond: i can provide those things for you

you: perfect. also i don’t bluff so every day i’m at your uni i'll be 🧎🏼‍♀️ just for you almond. 

aemond: where have you been all my life?

you: shh just send me the address and i’ll be there tomorrow afternoon. 

He can’t help his grin as he sends you the address and you text back and forth for a couple more minutes. He sighs, getting a text from his roommate saying it’s all clear with a quick apology and he begins to make his way back upstairs. By the time he collapses in bed his head is filled with thoughts of you and all the things he wants to do with you this weekend. 

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His roommate grumbles when Aemond tells him that he’s having a guest this weekend. His roommate says he’ll stay with some girl and leave him the dorm for the weekend. Aemond spends the next hour cleaning up and making the room as inviting as he possibly can. He’s so nervous that once you get here you’ll change your mind and leave and he’s been nonstop moving to avoid thinking for too long. His phone dings and he drops everything. 

you: i’m here 

aemond: i’m omw down rn 

He takes the stairs two at a time and smiles when he sees you walking up to his building. He grabs your backpack from you and slings it over his shoulder before pulling the door open for you. 

“How was your drive?” he looks you over as you link your arm with his. 

“It wasn’t bad. Will your roommate be joining us this weekend?” you look up at him taking in his tinted cheeks. 

“No.” he shakes his head. ���He’s staying with a girl this weekend.” he stops in front of his door and turns to look at you. He pushes the door open for you and he watches you look around and nod. You look so perfect he doesn’t want to let you leave his dorm for any reason.

“You truly cleaned your room for me?” you tilt your head as he clicks the door shut. 

“I wouldn’t have wanted you to see what it was like before.” he winces and you chuckle. 

“I figured it was just so I would have better places to kneel.” he groans watching you sink to the floor. 

“You don’t have to.” his words are dripping with want as your hands slide up his thighs. Gods the second you saw him you wanted to have him and you’re not wasting anymore time.

“I planned to just smoke and fuck you all weekend.” you pout and his cock twitches. 

“I think you should transfer to this uni.” you chuckle at his words as you start to unbutton his pants. 

“But then I won’t get your desperate texts at one in the morning.” you look up at him through your lashes as you move his pants down enough to free him. 

“They weren’t desp- Fuck.” he groans as you take him into your mouth. 

You slide him out of your mouth and trail your tongue up the underside and he lets out a shaky breath. You suck him back into your mouth and look up at him watching his face twist with pleasure. He watches as you suction your cheeks around him and he knows he won’t last much longer with you looking at him like that. You moan around him and he feels his stomach coil. 

“I’m gunna,” he pants and you start bobbing your head faster. Your mouth is so hot and perfect and he curses himself for not being able to last longer. When you take him into the back of your throat he almost bursts right then. “Fuck,” he groans as your hands massage his balls and his pleasure falls over the edge unable to push it off any longer. 

You watch his face relax as you swallow everything he has to offer you. You continue to softly lick at him until his fingers dig into your hair. He helps you up and looks down at you with a heaving chest. You turn and spot his fridge and squat down and open it. 

“I was promised diet Dr. Pepper?” you huff shutting the door and turning to look up at him. 

“I thought we could go to the store together.” he clears his throat still trying to reel his head back in. You were just on your knees and now you’re pouting over a diet soda when all he wants to do is bury his head between your thighs. 

“Well then you’re driving. I drove all the way up here, Almond.” you purse your lips. 

“You want to go now?” he raises his brow at you as he adjusts his pants.

“Unless you want me to die of thirst.” you put your hand on your forehead. “I’m already feeling faint.” he looks at you with a grin. 

“Do you need to be carried to the car and everything?” you step closer looking up at him expectantly. 

“If you insist.” his arms wrap around your waist and hoist you over his shoulder. 

“Then let’s go get you some soda.” he chuckles, grabbing his keys and wallet from the table and shutting the door behind us. He starts down the stairs and his fingers dig into your thighs holding you tightly. He walks you to his car and opens the passenger side and starts to bend down to set you in the seat. 

“Ow.” you chuckle as your head hits the door frame. 

“Fuck. I’m so sorry.” he jerks his head back and hits his head in the process pulling more laughter from you. “Ow. Fuck. Are you okay? I’m sorry.” you throw your head back in a fit of laughter and he sighs, putting your seatbelt on and walking over to the drivers side. He turns the car on and grips the steering wheel until his knuckles turn white. 

“Oh baby Almond, stop pouting.” you turn your head to him and he looks at you with red cheeks. 

“I’m fucking this up.” he throws his head back onto the rest. “I should’ve gotten your soda before you got here and made you come before we even left but instead I just smashed your head into my car.” you look him over and cup his face turning him to you. You softly press your lips to his and he sighs finally relaxing some. You pull back and press your lips to his nose before settling back into your seat.

“Trust you will be spending some time between my thighs for hitting my head but I don’t mind going to the store with you.” you pat his thigh and he looks at you with a smile.

“I planned to do that first but apparently you’ll die without diet Dr. Pepper.” he chuckles and starts driving to the store. 

“I’m actively wasting away in your seat, Almond.” he groans at the nickname you refuse to get rid of. “Gods I come all the way up here for the promise of soda and dick and I only get one of them.” you slide down in the seat.

“I also promised chocolate.” he nibbles on his lip. 

“Another thing you forgot.” you sigh dramatically. “You have a lot of making up to do.” you purse your lips and look out the window at the city passing by. 

“I plan to.” he hums, pulling into the parking lot. He hops out of the car and comes to your door and you bat his hand away. 

“You will no longer be putting me in or taking me out of the car. Unless it’s your goal to give me a concussion.” you push him back as you get out of the car. 

He chuckles, shutting the door and locks it. You grab his hand and his heart almost stops. He tries not to think about how his hand engulfs yours and you lean into his side. You tug him into the store and he lets you pull him around, content to be anywhere you want to take him. He smiles as you put things into the cart and he’s surprised every time when you return to his side and hold onto his arm. 

“Anything else?” Aemond looks at the cart that contains a ridiculous amount of snacks and enough soda to keep you content for a month. 

“No.” you hum looking over the cart. “We have to stop at the gas station to get wraps.” you purse your lips in thought. 

“I have wraps already.” he smiles that he did that right at least. 

“But are they strawberry?” you put your hands on your hips and look up at him. It’s taking all of his restraint not to pull you against him and press his lips to yours. 

“Of course. Strawberry is my favorite.” he nibbles his lip and you squint your eyes at him before nodding and pushing the cart over to the check out. He carries the bags and loads them into the car before starting the drive back to his dorm. 

“We’re allowed to smoke in your dorm right? Or is the RA like an asshole?” you turn to him and get lost in the thought that his perfect face is going to be buried between your thighs when you get behind closed doors. 

“Yeah he’s chill as long as we share.” you look at him with a raised brow. “He doesn’t smoke with us like I’ll give him some bud.” he corrects and keeps his eyes ahead or he’ll pull the car over and have you in the backseat. The rest of the ride you both can feel the tension building and steal quick glances. He pulls you out of the passenger side and grabs all the bags before hauling you up the stairs causing you to giggle. 

“Someone’s excited.” you follow him into the room and he quickly shuts the door. You bite your lip watching him put all of the snacks away. He hands you a soda and you smile while taking a sip. “Which bed is yours?” he nods his head and watches as you climb on and lay back on his pillows. He groans looking in the bag to make sure what's left is okay to stay out before he’s stalking over to you on the bed. He crawls on the bed with you and you turn to face him and internally sigh at how beautiful he is. “Do you wanna smoke first?” your voice small as he inches closer. 

“No.” he shakes his head. “I wanna make you come.” he rolls over so he’s hovering above you and you pull his lips down to yours. He kisses down your neck before sitting back on his knees and grabbing at the waistband of your leggings. You lift your hips up and he pulls them off swiftly before settling between your thighs. 

Your breath catches as he places his lips across the inside of your thighs and kisses up your hips. You look down at him with flushed cheeks and he smirks at you before sliding his tongue up your slit. You bite your lip as he repeats the action and he watches you tremble above him. 

“Almond please,” your whine is the most ethereal sound to him but that fucking nickname will be the death of him. 

“What did I say to call me when I’m making you come?” he lifts up from your core and you sigh, glaring at him. 

“Aemond,” he smiles and dips his head down and flicks his tongue against your bud. He lashes quicker and you arch off of the bed. “Fuck, Aemond,” you whine as he starts to move faster, gripping your hips tightly to keep you still. He moves his tongue to your core and hums as he finds your wetness waiting for him. He presses your legs open and dips his tongue into you and you whimper above him. 

He wants to hear that sound every second of every day. He teasingly licks back up to your bud and when he swirls his tongue your fingers grab onto his hair. He smirks and moves his tongue quicker as he feels your legs start to shake. The small gasps falling out of your mouth only make him move faster. 

“Aem please,” you pull his hair closer to you. His fingers press into your hips holding you still and you fall apart on his mouth. His tongue slows and licks down to your core. He moves a hand from your hip to push two fingers into you. “Yes,” your legs start to close around his head. His tongue slides back up to your bud and a moan falls from your lips. 

He chuckles into you as he starts a slow rhythm with his fingers. He pulls his mouth back and looks at you while still pumping his fingers. “Do you forgive me yet?” he tilts his head watching you move your hips on his fingers. You shake your head as small gasps fall from your lips. He curls his fingers and your legs start to close around his hand. He pushes your legs up and holds them with his other arm. 

“Aemond,” you cry out as he starts to slam his fingers into you. He watches you squirm beneath him and when he starts to see your toes curl he dips down to lash against your bud with his tongue. “Just like that, yes” he groans at your words lapping faster and he feels you burst around his fingers. “Aem,” your body goes taught as he continues to pull pleasure from you. 

He feels you tremble and your whimpers get louder the faster he moves his tongue. Your body is humming with pleasure as his tongue and fingers coax more and more from you. You have one hand gripping the sheets and the other on his arm that’s holding your legs up. Your stomach tightens and your high slams through you as you cry out his name while he starts to slow his fingers. 

Aemond presses a soft kiss to your bud and watches you shutter. He slowly pulls his fingers out watching your pleasure seep out of you. He moves his arms and lets your legs rest back on the bed as he lays down next to you. You turn your head and look at him with your breathing still deep. 

“Gods Almond.” he rolls his eyes at the name. 

“I hate that you call me that.” he throws his head back on the pillow. 

“Yeah? Is that why you blush like a little boy everytime I say it?” you watch him lift his head and raise an eyebrow at you.

“And to think I was going to get up and get you chocolate and a blunt.” he purses his lips. 

“If you do that I’ll let you fuck me anywhere on this campus.” you watch his eyes darken and he rolls off the bed and rummages through the bag to find chocolate. “Just grab my bag and I’ll roll for us.” he grabs your bag next and stops in his tracks when he sees you naked on his bed. 

“Where did your shirt go?” he can’t stop his eyes from staring at your chest. 

“Well you threw my leggings across the room and I didn’t want just my shirt on if it’s not long enough.” his eyes finally travel up to your face and he sees you smirking. “Could I have one of your shirts, Almond?” he nods his head, swallowing and walks over to his closet. He pulls a shirt from a hanger and walks back over to you. 

“Sit up.” his eyes attach to your chest again and you chuckle watching him fist the shirt in his hand. 

“Go ahead.” you nod at him and he tosses the shirt next to you before his hands engulf your breasts. His thumbs swipe over your nipples and he watches as you nibble your lip. He dips his head down and traces his tongue around one of your nipples. “Aemond,” his name is a whisper on your tongue. He smiles to himself that you call out his proper name when he’s pleasing you now. 

“I could spend hours worshiping you.” he kisses across your chest to your other nipple. “Days even.” he takes your hardened peak between his teeth and you whine burying your fingers in his hair. “I don’t even want you to put this shirt on.” he hums against your skin. 

“Aem,” you whine and he starts to kiss up your chest and neck. He stands up and looks at your flushed face and grabs the shirt again. He slips it over your head and joins you back in bed now that you're covered. 

“I’ll roll for us today.” he hums and grabs the bag out of your hands. 

He hands you the chocolate he brought you and you lounge back and watch him. He steals quick glances at you blissed out on his bed in his shirt. He finishes rolling and hands you the blunt and a lighter before he cracks open the window. He pulls his laptop onto the bed and puts on a show as you both pass the blunt back and forth until it’s done. He pulls you against his chest and you scoot up to press your lips against his. 

“I want to nap.” you hum and he chuckles nodding his head grabbing the blankets. He watches you curl against him and he holds you tightly watching you fall asleep. He closes his eyes wondering how he got so lucky to find you. 

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You hold your hand over your mouth to stifle your giggles as Aemond pulls you down dark hallways. He tugs you into a dark lecture hall and he takes out his phone to use his flashlight. He finds the light switch and flicks on the lowest setting. You walk down the stairs to the desk at the bottom and he’s a step behind you watching your every move. You turn to him with a grin across your features. 

“So which one of us is the professor and which one of us needs extra credit.” his heart starts beating faster and he feels his cock start to harden. 

“I want you to be the professor.” your smile turns feline as you take a seat behind the desk. 

“Go take a seat, Aemond. I’ll call you down when I’m ready for you.” you hum shuffling through the papers left on the desk. He sits in the front row and his leg is shaking as he stares at you. You chuckle as you feel his eyes boring into you and you glance up. “I’m ready for you.” you wave him up and he’s in front of the desk in moments. “What can I do for you?” you lick your lips and his mouth goes dry. 

“I,” he clears his throat. “I wanted to know if there’s anything I can do to fix my grade.” you watch his cheeks flush and gesture for him to sit in the chair.

“Mm,” you look through the papers. “I don’t know. It’s almost the end of the semester and I’m already busy with grading.” you sigh, sliding your eyes to him. 

“Please,” you know the desperation in his voice isn’t an act. “I’ll do anything.” he rests his hands on the wood surface. 

“Aemond.” you groan reclining into the chair. “Why should I have to do more work because your grade is in jeopardy?” you rest your arms on the desk. 

“I could do something for you. Clean your office? Anything?” he nibbles on his lip. 

“Anything?” you tilt your head and start to push the papers aside. His heart races as he watches climb onto the desk and let your legs dangle between his. He watches your skirt slide up and he inhales deeply. Gods when you slipped that skirt on he almost took you right there. “Do you find me attractive?” you tilt your head and he nods quickly. “Use your words.” you hum tilting his chin up. 

“I do.” his voice hoarse. “Very much.” his hands rest on the outside of your calves. 

“If you can make me come with your mouth I’ll give you an A.” you slowly start to spread your legs and he groans. 

He pushes your skirt up and scoots you to the edge of the desk. He’s greeted by your bare center and pulls you flush against his mouth. You bury your fingers in his hair, pulling him closer to you. He puts your legs over his shoulders and holds you against him as he feasts upon you. After he ate you out the first time he knows exactly what to do to have you whimpering above him. 

“Yes, just like that good boy.” your fingers dig into his hair as he lashes his tongue on your bud. Aemond moans into you at the name almost coming in his pants as your fingers grip him harder. He licks quicker and your legs squeeze his head as you come undone. He offers you soft licks before sitting up and letting your legs dangle off the desk. 

“Was that good?” he looks up at your flushed face.

“So good, Aemond.” you nod your head sliding off the desk and standing between his legs. “This is one of your actual lecture halls right?” he nods. “Take me to your seat so I can give you something to think about every time you’re in class.” he’s up instantly and tugging you up the stairs to his chair in the back corner. 

You push him back into his seat and notice his length straining against his sweats and you smirk. You straddle his thighs and roll your hips against his and his fingers dig into your hips. You move your core around until it’s resting against his length and you slowly grind against him. You press your lips against his as he softly whines into your mouth. 

Aemonds head is spinning from everything that has happened in the past twenty minutes. Now you’re whining above him grinding yourself against his throbbing cock and he knows he’s not going to last. He tries to still you by digging his fingers into your hips but you’re chasing your high so frantically and he doesn’t want to take that from you. His hands start to move you faster against him and your gasps and whines are about to push him over the edge. 

“Are you gonna come with me, good boy?” you pant into his neck and he groans loudly as his pleasure washes through him. You feel him twitch under you and you suck on his neck harshly as you tumble over the edge. You both hold each other as you settle your breathing. You stand up and look down at him with a smile. “Mm, did baby almond come in his pants?” you push your lower lip out and he flares his nostrils. He stands and towers over you with dark eyes. “Hm?” you taunt looking up at him. 

Aemond has had enough of your teasing but fuck he secretly loves it. He scoops you up without a word and starts to bring you back through the dark halls to his dorm where he has no plans to let you sleep anytime soon. 

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When Aemond cracks his eyes open and sees you waiting between his thighs he thinks he’ll die right here. You bat your eyelashes at him and softly trail your tongue around his tip and he throws his head back into the pillows. You lick from his base back to his tip and feel your pleasure pool from the low sounds he’s making. 

“Gods you’re perfect,” he brushes your hair back. He wishes he could keep you here in his dorm forever. His hips are softly jerking but he feels the pout on his face that you’ll be leaving in a couple hours. You look up at him and see his pout and pull off and tilt your head. 

“What's wrong?” you crawl up his body and his hands grab at your waist keeping you on top of him. 

“I don’t want you to leave.” his words are soft and you feel your heart start to beat quicker. 

“Well this time when I leave you can text me and we can FaceTime. Instead of you pouting for weeks and then ‘accidentally’ texting me at one in the morning.” he arms tighten around you and you press your lips to his. 

“I would like that.” he mumbles against your lips. 

“Grab the blunt from next to you.” he reaches with a smile and plucks the lighter along with it. He brings it to his lips and lights it as you kiss across his chest. He pinches the blunt tighter as your hands wrap around his cock and line him up with your entrance. He clenches his jaw as you slowly sink down onto him and start to rock against him. 

“Here.” he hums holding the blunt to your mouth and you hit it while starting to move your hips. His free hand holds loosely on your waist as he brings the blunt back to his mouth. He watches you rock against him and he shakes his head at how truly perfect you are. You bring your head back up and hit the blunt again from his fingers. He can’t take the feel of you squeezing around him slowly. He dabs the blunt out in the ashtray and grabs onto your waist flipping you both. 

“Did you just put out my blunt?” you pout and he chuckles. 

“I need to fuck you properly.” his lips press to yours and you sigh, wrapping your legs around him. His pace is slow at first and you let out little gasps that have him smiling into your neck. He starts to snap his hips faster and you dig into his back crying out his name. You cling against him tighter as you start to pulse around him. 

“Aem, Aemond, please,” he groans as you squeeze around him tightly. He watches your eyes screw shut as he rocks into chasing his own pleasure. Your whimpers push him over and he stills inside of you and you pull him down into a bruising kiss. 

“Now light my blunt again.” you mumble and he chuckles rolling over next to you and plucking the blunt from the ashtray again. 

For the rest of the morning you both fall in and out of sleep only waking to make out and move the blankets. Once the sun is high in the sky you two untangle and start to dress. He helps you pack up with a small pout on his face and once you’re ready to leave you both stare at each other. 

“Oh, this is for your RA.” you hand him a small baggie. “And for your roommate since we displaced him.” you hand him another baggie, nibbling your lip with a smile. 

“No, you don’t have to give them anything.” he shakes his head trying to give you the bags back. 

“You’re fucking a dealer Almond. I got you.” you pat his chest and his nostrils flare. He relents and tosses the baggies onto his bed and turns back to you. 

“I think you should transfer here.” he pulls you closer, smiling that you're in one of his hoodies. 

“No.” you press your lips against his. “Now get me some diet Dr. Pepper for the road and walk me to my car.” he chuckles, grabbing your soda and slipping his hand into yours to begin walking you downstairs. You both linger outside of your car. “Next time you come to me.” he nods and pulls you into a hug. 

“Drive safe.” he presses his lips to your forehead. He opens your door and you get in and shut the door. He motions for you to roll your window down and you do with an amused smile. 

“Yes, Almond?” you raise your eyebrows. 

“Text me when you get home.” you nod at him and he presses his lips to yours once more. 

He watches as you pull out of the parking lot and he tries not to have a frown on his face but he can’t help it. This weekend was so much better than he could have ever imagined and you promised to text him. He sends a text to his roommate that it’s all clear and grabs the baggie and drops it off to the RA. Once he’s back in his dorm he collapses in his bed and smiles as your smell is still all over it. 

ততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততত

masterlist 🔌 

uh im thinking about making two more parts idk depends on how attached i get - im literally already attached heavily to this and writing pt3 rn 

Part 3

ur fav flav taglist: @echos-muses @sinistersnakey

taglist ✍️

@clarityisnofun @gabriella-aesthetic @callsignwidow @llynx7 @violetiss3lfish @ka1afbr @akiko-oo @papichulo120627 @lizzylovebooks280501 @thatgirl101blog @1-fuzzy-squirrels @arya-brooke @ashovertheriver @zanygot7straykidsbonk @moonymoo1 @malfoycassimalfoy @april-notthemonth69 @anaviieiraaa @p45510n4f4shi0n @neocockthotology @thereaderwitch @hardkiddonut @faenyra @hiimava11 @daintylittlesunflower @primroseluna @fiction-fanfic-reader @povofjustme @multilover19 @alexxavicry @cedstars @fuckalrighty @mrsmunson-harrington @misspendragonsworld @nz2004 @ninihrtss

[nadvs]

I love love love this new au🥹 coming from a severely stressed Uni student could you write how rafe would take care of her when she’s studying too much barely eating or drinking and just really anxious for exams and stressed out.

aaa thank you angel 🥺 yes of course!! i hope you feel better soon!!

based on this fic

“…practice until five,” she hears.

“sorry, what?” she mumbles to rafe, her stare focused ahead.

her boyfriend gazes at her profile as they sit in his bedroom, watching a show on his flatscreen.

“my schedule next week,” he says. “you asked about it.”

“right,” she says. she meets his concerned blue eyes. “sorry. i was out of it again.”

she can feel herself retreating from reality all the time. finals are only a month away and she keeps catching herself zoning out out of lectures and conversations, spiralling into nerve-racking hypotheticals.

“did you eat today?” he asks.

“um… i think so?” she says.

“you’d remember if you did.”

rafe grabs his phone out from beneath the covers to order takeout. she looks at his screen, his wallpaper the photo of herself in his jersey that she’s seen so many times, and realizes it’s minutes away from eight p.m.

“fuck, it’s eight?” she says, scrambling out of bed. “i was supposed to go home to study like an hour ago.”

she grabs her things, staring at him with wide eyes, confused why he isn’t rushing to leave.

“you can drive me, right?” she asks.

“chill for a second,” he sighs. “what if you skipped it tonight? sleep here.”

“i can’t. i can barely sleep in my own bed,” she says. “i can barely sleep at all. if it’s a hassle to drive me, i can order a-”

“no.” rafe stands, relenting. he knows she’ll just argue if he pushes. “let’s go.”

“are you mad?” she asks.

“no,” he says.

“we don’t bullshit-”

“bullshit each other, i know,” he finishes her sentence. “i’m not mad.”

she trails him out of the room. even though he said he’s not mad, he’s acting like it.

rafe’s hands are tight on the steering wheel as he drives to her college campus through dark, busy streets. his girl’s been in her own world lately. every day, it gets worse.

he knows fighting will just stress her out more. he tries to encourage her to take breaks, but it seems to just make her spiral more.

he gets it. his mind gets tangled up, too. pressure can be a bitch. so, he bites his tongue for her sake. she’s the only person he cares enough to reign in his temper for.

“you’re really not mad?” she asks softly.

“i’m worried,” he admits.

she’s silent, staring out the window.

“it’s just finals,” she says. “i’ll be okay.”

rafe’s not entirely convinced. but he gives her the space she needs and drops her off.

about half an hour later, she gets a text from him that there’s takeout waiting for her downstairs. she can’t manage to eat everything because he sent enough food to feed a whole group of people.

then, he texts her close to midnight to see if she went to bed yet.

she replies: can’t fall asleep.

he texts: i’ll be there soon.

when rafe arrives, he calls her to come downstairs. she tries to climb in the passenger seat, but he tells her to go the back. when she opens the door, she sees that he laid out blankets and a pillow across the backseat.

“what is this?” she asks.

“you said you can’t sleep in your bed. or mine,” he says. “what if i drove around? could you sleep then?”

“are you serious?” she says.

“i’ll park in front of my place when you fall asleep. i’ll stay in the car. just get comfortable, alright?”

she settles in the back, leaning across the seat, following his instructions to still buckle herself in.

“thank you,” she says as he starts to drive. her eyelids are already getting heavy, the steady motion of the car genuinely helping. “sorry i’ve been so stressed out.”

“just sleep, baby,” he says.

“okay,” she whispers.

it works. she dozes off within minutes. he drives around for a while to make sure she’s deep asleep.

after he parks in his driveway, he sprawls out in his seat. this is uncomfortable. he’ll be sore tomorrow. and maybe the next day, which is a game day.

but as he listens to her deep breaths, he doesn’t doubt that she’s worth it. she hasn’t been taking care of herself lately. if he has to do it for her, he will. every time.

[keepingitformyself]

we might just get away with it (iii)

A/N: sorry for the long wait, truth is life has been life-ing. and uni has also had all my attention. using all this inspo and energy to write as much as i can!!! hoping it lasts me a while. enjoy this third chapter :)

previous parts: part i part ii

synopsis: hollywood is a tricky place for someone new like you, a certain elusive redhead is hoping you can let her in.

pairings: writer!natalie rushman x youngactress!reader

genre: slow burn asf

warning: super slow burn. sorry gang, hang in there.

please do not repost my work anywhere for any reason at all. if you do see this happen to any of my stories, please let me know. thank you x.

you find out shortly after lunch with natalie that you’ll be set to shoot another film outside the country. samantha sends you a text saying:

cooper raiff wants your number. you got the job.

in the next seconds jenna’s caller id flashes on your screen. an excited exclamation when she greets you.

“guess who you’ll be seeing in new zealand…”

————

5 months later.

the life of an actor is very fast paced.

you’ve spent the last few months in new zealand shooting for another film. you lived out of a tiny home in the new zealand countryside but you don’t ever complain about it.

because why would you? your free days are spent going to local bars in the small town you stay in with cast and crew. jenna, on days off set will make you—and sometimes the whole cast—dinner and you’ll both sit outside your neighboring tiny homes enjoying the evening sky.

you do what you love and you do it with people who you adore.

but,

you’ve also spent the last few months jumping on calls over zoom with your writers room for the series. sometimes with greta, natalie and series producers, sometimes just you and greta or you and natalie.

it’s all really great.

right before your last week in new zealand you do get a call though. it’s natalie and greta, both on facetime. they break the news that the script is nearly fully developed and it’s only a matter of getting everything finalized and ready for production in the coming months.

you’re in the middle of getting your makeup done when you find out. you’re so ecstatic you nearly jump out of your seat. it earns you questioning looks from jenna and auli’i, both girls seeming interested to know what disrupted your peace.

before you know it you’re back from filming in new zealand and catching a flight back to la.

your brain is reeling. the pressure is on. and when you arrive at the airport there’s distant camera shutters as you try to retrieve your luggage.

in the car ride home you get a message from natalie.

welcome back. can we meet before the meeting tomorrow?

and so you do.

natalie texts you to meet at a coffee shop, near the west side of hollywood, she’s typing concentratedly into her laptop when you spot her at a corner table.

“hey, stranger!” you say once you’re in front of her.

natalie looks up in an instant. her eyes shine and her smile reaches them. she’s up and circling her arms around your waist in the next second. her embrace on you is one that you weirdly find much relief in.

“please, sit. i ordered your coffee for you already.” and she’s tucking out a chair across from her for you to sit in.

but you’re caught in confusion at her words,

“how do you know my coffee order?” you ask.

all she does is smile like it’s the most obvious thing ever.

“we’ve been working for so long. i’ve memorized your order from all those meetings with greta and such.”

and all you can really do is laugh because you suppose it’s sort of easy to catch onto something when it’s the same every single time. still, it’s oddly thoughtful, and that thoughtfulness makes your chest feel warm, a sensation you’re not entirely sure how to process.

you sit down, folding your coat over the back of the chair, and reach for the cup in front of you. the familiar aroma greets you, a little comfort in the chaos of the past few months.

natalie’s gaze lingers on you as you take your first sip, and for a fleeting moment, you wonder if she’s always been this observant. or maybe, you’ve just been too preoccupied to notice.

“so,” you say, breaking the silence as you set the cup down. “what’s the meeting-before-the-meeting about?”

natalie leans back in her chair, crossing her legs in a way that looks effortless but is probably calculated. she tilts her head slightly, the hint of a smirk playing on her lips. “can’t a colleague just want to catch up?”

you narrow your eyes at her, skeptical but amused. “you don’t strike me as the type to waste time with small talk.”

“fair,” she admits, her smirk softening into something gentler. “i wanted to talk to you about the upcoming season—off the record, before the full team gets involved.”

now she has your full attention. “okay…what about it?”

natalie glances around the café briefly, as if ensuring no one’s listening, and then leans forward, resting her elbows on the table. “it’s about your character. greta and i have been discussing some adjustments, and we want your input. you’ve lived in her skin for a whole season. you know her better than anyone.”

her words catch you off guard. “you’re asking for my input? like, before the script is finalized?”

“exactly,” natalie says. “you’re not just the face of the show; you’re its heart. and i want this season to feel like it belongs to you as much as it does to greta or me.”

it’s a compliment so disarming that you find yourself momentarily speechless. you’d been prepared for a critique, maybe some notes on your performance, but this—this feels different. it feels…personal.

“i—i don’t know what to say,” you finally manage. “that means a lot, natalie.”

her eyes soften even further, and there’s something unreadable in her expression. “you deserve it. you work harder than anyone i know.”

before you can respond, your phone buzzes on the table, breaking the moment. you glance at the screen: it’s a text from jenna.

dinner tonight? i’m making that thing you like. bring wine.

you smile at the message but quickly turn your attention back to natalie, who’s watching you with quiet curiosity.

“sorry about that,” you say, locking the screen. “so, what adjustments are we talking about?”

natalie shifts her laptop toward you, opening a document filled with notes and outlines. as she starts explaining the changes, you’re struck by how passionate she is—not just about the show but about your role in it.

and maybe, just maybe, about you.

later that evening, you’re standing outside jenna’s apartment door, bottle of wine in one hand and your phone in the other, responding to yet another text from samantha. the scent of garlic and fresh herbs wafts through the open window, a promise of something comforting and homemade. you don’t have many constants in your life right now, but jenna’s dinners are one of them.

when she answers the door, she’s wearing an oversized sweater, her hair messily tied back. “finally! i was starting to think you ditched me for someone more interesting.”

you roll your eyes, stepping inside and handing her the wine. “because i have so much free time for that.”

“hey, you’re the star now,” she teases, grabbing two glasses from the cabinet. “how was the meeting? or can you not talk about it? big, scary NDAs and all that.”

you follow her to the kitchen, watching as she plates roasted vegetables and some kind of stuffed chicken. it smells incredible, but you’re already preoccupied with her question.

“it was fine,” you say vaguely, leaning against the counter. “productive.”

jenna glances at you over her shoulder, her brow raised. “you’re a terrible liar, you know.”

“i’m not lying!”

“then why do you look like you’re replaying the entire meeting in your head right now?” she sets the plates on the table and gestures for you to sit. “come on, spill. was it greta? did she grill you about something? or wait—was it natalie?”

you blink, caught off guard. “why would it be natalie?”

jenna shrugs, pouring the wine and sitting across from you. “i don’t know. you just get…weird when you talk about her.”

you frown, trying to process what she means. “weird how?”

you had previously mentioned natalie to jenna. back in new zealand she'd always wonder who you were having meetings with all the time. the girl got curious, and would ask so many questions. sometimes, she'd be in the same room as you when they happened.

she'd catch moments with you and natalie as well. something jenna thought was just natalie being overtly friendly, but then when you'd look off to the side and meet jenna's eyes, she knew you were thinking the same.

“like you’re trying not to think about her but failing miserably.” jenna takes a sip of her wine, studying your reaction. “she intimidates you, doesn’t she?”

“not exactly,” you mutter, cutting into your chicken.

“she’s a big deal,” jenna continues, unfazed. “a genius writer, total powerhouse, and not to mention—”

“don’t,” you warn, already knowing where this is going.

“—drop-dead gorgeous.”

you groan, covering your face with your hands. “i’m not having this conversation.”

“oh, come on! you can’t tell me you haven’t noticed.”

“of course i’ve noticed,” you admit, your voice muffled behind your hands. “everyone notices. but it’s not like that.”

“not like what?”

“not like…that,” you repeat, gesturing vaguely. “she’s like my boss, for one thing. and for another, she’s just—she’s natalie. she’s focused, brilliant, older, wiser, and way out of my league.”

jenna tilts her head, a knowing smirk tugging at her lips. “so, you have thought about it. wouldn't it be hot to date someone older than you though?”

you glare at her, but your flushed cheeks betray you. “i'm not talking about this anymore.”

“fine,” she says, holding up her hands in surrender. “but just so you know, if someone like natalie rushman was looking at me the way she looks at you? i wouldn’t be sitting here eating chicken with my best friend. i’d be figuring out what that look means.”

you shake your head, pretending to focus on your plate. but jenna’s words linger, stubbornly taking root in the back of your mind.

does natalie look at you differently? you’ve noticed her attentiveness, the way she always seems to know exactly what to say to put you at ease. but you’d chalked it up to her being a consummate professional, someone who’s mastered the art of making others feel seen.

now, though, you’re not so sure.

jenna grins at your silence, clearly pleased with herself. “think about it,” she says, clinking her glass against yours.

and you do. later that night, as you lie awake staring at the ceiling, your thoughts drift to the way natalie had smiled at you earlier, her voice low and certain when she called you the heart of the show.

you tell yourself it doesn’t mean anything.

but deep down, a tiny part of you wonders if it does.

[squish36-writes-and-draws]

3 November: Unraveling

Hello everybody and welcome to Keefe wandering around in the forbidden cities, delivered to you each day dracula daily style! Yes the plot is inspired by the crane wives song that I then borrowed for the title. Anyway I'm not done writing this yet and school might make that an issue but I do have a buffer of about a week and a vague plan for where the story will go if keefe allows it so here's hoping for the best.

Word count: 674

General Taglist (lmk if you want to be added/removed!): @stellar-lune @faggot-friday @kamikothe1and0nly @nyxpixels @florida-preposterously @poppinspop @uni-seahorse-572 @solreefs @corruption-exe @rusted-phone-calls @when-wax-wings-melt @good-old-fashioned-lover-boy7 @dexter-dizzknees @abubble125 @hi-imgrapes @callum-hunt-is-bisexual @callas-pancake-tree @hi-my-name-is-awesome @katniss-elizabeth-chase @sillyguy-supreme @void-kill @thefoxysnake

Unraveling Project Specific Taglist (lmk if you want to be added/removed/upgraded): @cutebisexualmess @crippling-pages @daizythegreat @sophiefostersno1stan @iggydancebreak @theleopardstalker @you-will-meet-your-downfall @multi-fandom-lunatic

TW: threats of physical violence against Cassius, mild Keefe angst over his new abilities

On Ao3 or below the cut!

Next

I once loved a tailor who took eager care of me Sewed together my loose ends with stitches neat and clean But now my love is gone And I am left unraveling Unraveling

Keefe Sencen's Journal

First day in the Forbidden Cities. No, not even that much. First half a day in the Forbidden cities. Four hours and counting. I still have ink stained on the side of my hand from the letter I left Foster Sophie. I’ve spent most of the day writing and rewriting phrases in my head, wishing I could go back and change things. Change everything. Not embrace the change and all that, but I guess that’s too much to ask now. Exile, I’d go back to before I was summoned into existence like the little science project I am and kick Cassius in the nuts if I were given the chance. Although then I don’t know how I would have existed to do that, but that’s beside the point. I’d figure out a way. Well, to be completely fair, I’d tell Dex to go figure it out but I’d trust him implicitly, which is basically the same thing. It’s a shame I fucked over his entire family before I left. I know I should try to tell myself that it’s just a matter of time, that Rex was always going to be talentless, but now Dex gets to lie to everybody about what could be one of the biggest aspects of Lex’s life. Ah, elvin culture. Such a fair and just system with no flaws whatsoever. Whatever Gisela’s plans are with me, I doubt that particular bombshell was one of them, but it’s something I’ll never forgive her or myself for. I can’t let her promote me from a pawn to a rook, although that's probably already happened. Maybe I’m supposed to be a knight stuck in a 3x3 board, but I’ve found another dimension. I’ve found a way to escape this game. 

Stars, look at this nerd using a chess metaphor unironically. I don’t know if that or the fact that I feel the need to justify myself to a piece of paper is worse. I just know I played (read: lost) a game of chess in some park today, and it was a surprisingly entertaining ten minutes of my life. It’s not like I had anything better to do. Or have anything better to do tomorrow. Or ever. It’s equal parts liberating and daunting that this could be the rest of my existence for thousands of years, or at least as long as the human authorities don’t figure out that I’m here. 

New life goal acquired: be the cranky old man in the park, a menace to society on a microcosmic scale. Just ever so slightly a burden to everyone’s existence. It’s not like I can do a whole lot to contribute to society with my lack of any valid identification or access to a birth fund. You can add that to the list of things I should have asked Dex about before I left, but no, I didn’t think through anything. I’m incapable of making rational decisions. Whatever. It’s still for the best. I’ll figure it out. 

And now I’m here, rambling my thoughts into a diary, of all things. I guess I don’t know why I felt the need to bring a notebook with me from the Forbidden Cities, let alone document my experiences, but it feels…surprisingly unfeeling. Not in the numb way I know is ever approaching on my horizon—I can feel the humans walking down the street blocks away without even trying—but right now, I’m in that perfect sweet spot of just using enough brain power to keep me from going off on three tangents simultaneously but not so much that I actually have to try, because there isn’t a faster way to get me to stop doing something than to make it require effort. I am nothing if not obscenely stubborn when it comes to being minimally productive, even if these last few hundred words are a testament to the opposite phenomenon.

I’m going to give this three days, max before I completely give up on this endeavour. Until then, I shall see thee to-morrow.

[kiefbowl]

Everytime I say to myself "im bisexual" i get this sense of deep guilt, and i just feel like crying flor some reason.

I know im not straight and i know im not a lesbian so the only logical conclusion is that I'm bi but i just dont feel like I am? I also dont feel like I'm allowed to have these feelings of struggle because i see people online say women are prtending to be bi for queer points so i feel like I'm overreacting you know.

Everytime I think of myself being in a relationship with a woman i feel a deep sense of shame.

I feel guilty like im a monster you know. I grew up in a homophobic country and only moved out like 3 years ago so i think maybe thats why ? Idk im just lost. I see people online just like being super happy about being lgb and im like why am I struggling? Im not supposed to feel this way. I feel like a fraud.

I was outed, kind of, I mean I wanst even sure i was bi but she told everyone and like my friends started behaving differently towards me and idk I just well first of all why did she tell people?? I didnt even know if i was into women i just wanst sure i wanted to make sense of it first i felt exposed in a way(dont worry my uni was chill so no physical harm or anyhting like thta)

Like that was my thing!! It was my fukcing thing and you don't get to tell people about it . Why did she do that. I know its not a big deal but now like if you ask me if im out i would say no ? Like no one knows im bi here in this new country.

Im rambling.

I have never said the word "im bisexual" out loud like ever

I'm going to give you permission about something you haven't specifically asked for, but in my wisdom I'm going to grant you this permission:

You don't have to know.

It's okay! You've moved, you're young, you're getting away from homophobia and finding new kinds of homophobia...that's too much stress, just stop worrying about it. So you don't know today, who cares? You'll figure it out. Maybe tomorrow, maybe in 50 years.

If it's causing you this amount of stress, and if all the voices of all these people in your head causing you doubt, then you aren't allowing yourself to discover by simply living. You're becoming a police officer in you head, and you're navel gazing as a form of punishment, and let me tell you, even if you were straight as ruler that wouldn't help you find love and fulfillment.

You're sexual orientation is something natural within you. So whatever feels natural, that's the truth of the matter. If you are trying to attack this as a thinking problem that needs solving, you just won't get there. Go out and party, go out and enjoy people's company, go set life goals and focus on them...and one day when you're not thinking about it you will meet someone you can't deny is the most lovely, beautiful person in the whole world and all you want to do is kiss them. And then you'll know.

This is about no one else but you. This is your sexual orientation, this is your life, and you don't need a peanut gallery weighing in. Fire your shitty friends if you have to. If people ask, you can say "I'm figuring it out" or even flat out say "that's none of your f*cking business." Or, if you want to be funny, pretend you have a very selective hearing problem.

Prioritize the things that you know are fulfilling you right now, and all the stuff you don't know yet will come back around in due time. This is true of love as it's true of everything else we obsess about. You don't have to know everything about yourself to be a good person.

Good luck, sis. Have fun smooching cuties, studying seriously, and enjoying the sun.

[alltoolewis]

Enough for you (part 1) - Mason Mount

I missed you guysssss..... finally logged back into my account after 2 months and began typing & I'm so happy!!!! I am sorry for the absent, uni and my personal life has been a living hell but I am back for now to speak and write to all you lovely lot... which I've just now discovered I now have 2,000 followers! Thank you soooooooo much I really can't believe it

This one isn't the best as I'm a little rusty but I think it's a good opener for a new series I am going to write! Currently it's called 'enough for you' however this might change the more I write of it! The next part will be uploaded tomorrow but for now feel free to fill my inbox with 'hello's' and questions as I missed you all sooooooooo much! Enjoy 💕

Summary- After your dad, frank lampard, gets assigned to manage his old team again and wants you to join him as the head counsellor, your mind fills with dread and flashbacks of a possible reunion with your ex...

“Theres no way…” You whispered, staring at your father in disbelief as he spoke the words that you thought you’d never hear again “Your managing Chelsea… again”.

“Only for the rest of the season, it’s nothing permanent yet” You could hear his own surprise in his voice, as if he too couldn’t believe what he was saying. “But it went awful last time” You gasped “Why would they want you back?”

 “Cheers kiddo, I needed that confidence boost…” rolling his eyes he came closer to you, ruffling your hair slightly before walking pass you towards the kitchen.

“I didn’t mean it like that dad” You sighed, following him “They just treated you so badly last time… is it worth it?” It’s not that you didn’t want your dad to go back into managing his old team, of course you wanted him too! Goosebumps rose on your own arms just thinking about Frank Lampard’s, your dads, big return to Stamford bridge. But the excitement fades away quickly once you the memories of last time flood in your mind.

The headline that he left…

The face he made when he got the call…

The hours and hours he spent preparing to head HR to fight a losing battle…

Seeing the nervousness in your eyes, he wrapped his arms around you “Theres no need to panic, eh? It’s a couple of weeks that’s all… they need me”.

Sighing, you knew that he was right. You didn’t have to live under a rock to know how poor Chelsea was at the minute. “I suppose you couldn’t make them any worst than they are…” You giggled, a smirk on your face as you pulled away from the hug, his laugh echoing across the marble walls of the kitchen “That’s the spirit! Now let’s get a glass of wine to celebrate our return!”

Just as you were about to grab the glasses, you froze “Our return…”

“Yeah, that’s the thing…” Your dad spoke hesitantly “The board had asked if you’d also come back as the head of the wellbeing team. All the players and staff have been going through a rough time and really need a team on site to help… that’s why they need you!”

Working for Chelsea was the first job you had ever gotten when you graduated from university with a counselling degree. It obviously helped that your dad was the manager of the team, however every loved having you around and you loved being there. But when your dad got fired from the team in such a cruel way and the management of the team collapsing, there was no way that you were going to stay… so you left with him… despite everything you were leaving behind… despite leaving him!

“No way dad!” You quickly rejected, placing the glasses back down as you headed back into the living room “I am happy for you, I really am! But I’m not going back!”

“Why not?”

“I have a job!”

“You can leave it” He pushed, causing your eyes to widen “I can’t just leave my job dad! What am I supposed to say, ‘sorry guys I’m going to work with my dad for a few weeks and then I’ll return when they throw us away again’”.

“They never asked you to go” Your dad interjected. It was true, if anything the team wanted you to stay more than Frank!

“They wanted you to leave… so I did too! End of!”

“(y/n) …” Frank spoke hesitantly “This isn’t about Mason, is it?”

You didn’t realise your body could go more into shock than before until he spoke his name. The name that at one point caused your heart to burst into a thousand butterflies, but now makes it shatter into a million shards of glass that was impossible to piece together again…

“No” You spoke just above a whisper, trying to convince not only your dad but yourself. It wasn’t a secret that you were once in love with Chelsea’s number 19… to the public it might have been but to everyone in your life it was clear to see the effect that his presence had on you, and even now almost 2 years later remains on you! You were perfect together, the mix of your existences together had meaning, a love so strong that it could be seen a mile away… that was until he broke your heart.

“Don’t lie to me (y/n)” Frank sighed “Why else wouldn’t you come back?”

“Why do you even care about that?” You exploded, anger tracing in your veins “You hated us together… it was one of the reasons he broke up with me!”

Flashback

“What do you mean you can’t do this anymore?” You breathed out, looking over to him as he placed his hands over his face in anger, sitting on the edge of the sofa. What was supposed to be a night enjoying watching your boyfriend play in one of the toughest tournaments in football, turned into a surprisingly sour one. The second you returned home from the win, Mason turned bitter, his face scrunched together in thought as he refused to acknowledge your presence. “You won Mase… I don’t what is wro-“

“We’re wrong!” he screamed back, standing up from the sofa as he turned to face you “It’s not about the game… It’s about us!”

“Mason I don’t know what you mean?!?” you shouted back, confusion etched in your voice as he huffed “Us, (y/n) … it shouldn’t be happening it can’t happen!”

“We’ve been together for months Mason! Why now?”

“People are going to find out about us and then what? I’m just the player who got in the team cause he’s shagging his managers daughter!”

“Who cares what they say?!” You pushed “Who gives a fuck? I’m happy, your happy… my dad’s okay with it!”

“Oh please!” He laughed sarcastically as you raised your eyebrows in confusion “Your dad hates us together and you know it!” “He did at first but not anymore” You tried to convince him, knowing that it did indeed take your dad awhile to warm to the idea “He accepts us Mason… so what’s this really about because I know what you are saying is full of shit!”

Mason turned back around, not wanting you to see any more of the cracks showing “I’m telling the truth (y/n)!”

“No. Your. Not.” You said, voice getting angrier and angrier “You wouldn’t do this now, you wouldn’t end us over something so simple… so easy to fix! So what is it?”

“I CHEATED OKAY!” he shouted back, causing your heart to stop. “Your lying…” You mumbled, shaking your head as you refused to let the tears go “Your lying… you’d ne-never do th-that to me… with who?”

“Does it matter?” He sighed, pulling his hair as he glanced over to what once was your happy figure, but is now destroyed. “Yes it does…” You whispered, a tear ruining down your cheek against your will “of course it does, so with who?”

“Just a girl at the club” he spoke with no emotion “I got drunk, she was there, it happened”

“Why?”

“Why what?” He tutted “Why did I fuck her? Like I just said, we got drunk she was there, you wasn’t it’s that easy-“

“No… not that” You stopped him, not wanting to hear anymore “Why wasn’t I good enough for you?”

Your words caused him to freeze as he stopped his pacing, and for a moment you could of sworn you seen the cracks to yet another lie but of course it was hidden quicker than it was seen “You know what they say… the game is the game, and sometimes your just not good enough to play!”

His words caused your body to tense up like you just got a million paper cuts, you wanted to push him… to fight him… to prove that the crack you seen was a lie, a doubt… but why would you, when the man you loved, the man you thought was your haven, just told you that you weren’t good enough.

Without another word, you nodded, walking past him to collect your belongings. Only once you were past him did you let the tears run…

“Mason?” You whispered, needing to say one more thing to him before you left

“Yes…” You didn’t look at him when he replied but you knew he was crying… but why?

“Thank you for letting me play the game with you…” and with that you left… one of you hoping to see the other one again while the other one prayed.

End of flashback

 A shiver ran down your back as you remembered the horrid memory, but it was brushed off as your dad began to speak again “I didn’t hate you together!” He protested, sitting beside you on the couch “Did I hate the idea of my oldest child falling in love? Yes. Did I hate the idea that one of my best players was seeing my daughter behind my back? Of course.”

“dad…” You tried to stop him, but he obviously ignored you.

“But did I hate seeing my daughter so happy? No.” tears streamed down your face as he spoke the truthful words “I know it hurt you. The hiding… the breakup… the secrecy. But that’s what love is, and deep down I know he really did love you.”

“Then why did break up with me then?” you sniffled “If he really loved me that much then why?”

“That’s something we’ll never know unless you speak to him.”

Of course you didn’t tell your dad he cheated on you, although after the reveal you couldn’t stand to even look at him, your love overpowered the hatred of ruining his relationship with your dad and his chances of remaining in the first team.

“I’m not seeing him dad… no matter what I’m not facing him again” Your body went into reject mode at the idea of just seeing him, nevermind having a vulnerable conversation with him. “I’m not asking you too honey, he can be booked in with someone else and you’ll have your own office… but please come back with me? I need you”.

 ‘I need you’

The three words that held so much but little meaning. The three words that you held onto so tightly for so many years. The three words that you can never refuse.

“Fine…” You sighed, as your dads’ arms wrapped around you once more in celebration. “Thank you… thank you… thank you! The teams going to be so happy…”

“You don’t have to thank me, I’d do anything for you and you know that” You chuckled, getting off the couch to collect the glasses you put down a lifetime ago “but dad?”

“Yes?”

“You make sure Mason Mount stays the hell away from me!”

[neondiamond]

🎃 Recently Read Fics - October 2023 🎃

These are all the amazing fics I read over the past month (from shortest to longest). Don’t forget to leave kudos and comments to show the authors your appreciation if you read any of these! 🧡

🎃 Pumpkin Baby by @louisgayvodka (1k, G)

Louis paints Harry’s baby bump for their Halloween themed photoshoot

🎃 let the feeling last by @wecantalktomorrow (1k, G)

Louis had been waiting a long time for the euphoria of moments like these. To feel such pride radiating through the room for him. He spent far too long in the spotlight for an image that had been forced upon him, built to show him in a particular way. A way that was nowhere near an actual representation of himself. He worked as hard as possible to create a safe space for himself and his fans at his shows, one that represented his authentic self.

He knew that his fans heard him. They could hear him screaming at the top of his lungs in the only way he knew how while still tangled in the false sense of leniency that came with his current contracts. It still did not match the feelings that came with moments like tonight, the overwhelming sense of love and belonging.

🎃 us means more than me and you by @starryhaze28 (1k, NR)

the one where Harry is sick and Louis takes care of him.

🎃 Touch the Sky and Kiss the Sun by @londonfoginacup (2k, T)

Louis Tomlinson knows without a shadow of a doubt that Harry Styles is his soulmate.

Harry Styles, Louis is virtually certain, is completely unawares of this fact.

🎃 Lights Are So Bright by @becomeawendybird (2k, G)

Newly first-string quarterback Louis Tomlinson mentions enough times in interviews that he's a fan of mega-famous popstar Harry Styles that people start to notice. At least one person does...

🎃 There and Back Again by @dedtobeginwith (2k, T)

A Keep Driving timestamp, one year later.

🎃 for you, darlin’, for you by @wecantalktomorrow (2k, G)

“Got another tomorrow before I leave,” Harry said quietly, nuzzling Louis’s blanket once more as he got comfortable in their nest. His body was still trembling with the aftermath of his sobs, but the tears had stopped for the moment. “Thank you, you know,” he rubbed his face once more, sinking farther into the comforting scent of his alpha, “you always seem to know what I need before I do.”

That made Louis smile, eyes crinkling in the corners which, in turn, made Harry’s heart race with a fondness for the man before him. “Of course I do, you’re my baby, my mate, my omega. ‘S my job to take care of you. Kept seeing the pictures coming out, and you looked more and more worn out, my love. Could feel it,” Louis breathed out, his hand coming up to prod at his own bondmark absently. The touch to his bondmark makes Harry shiver, bringing his fingers up to rest them against his own mark.

🎃 the blue never-ending sky by @justanothershadeofblue (3k, T)

“What do you suppose it’s like?”

Harry’s voice was dreamy, barely audible from where Louis lay on his back on the off-white carpet of Harry’s bedroom.

“Arizona?” Louis asked, and Harry made an affirmative noise from his position on top of his twin bed. “Wouldn’t know, would I?” Louis jerked his head at the window, dripping with mid-February rain. It was a useless gesture - Harry was busy staring at the ceiling. “On account of being British and all.”

“I bet it’s beautiful,” Harry said, and his voice sounded like he was already gone.

🎃 Got Time (But We’re Only Human) by @galacticlarry (6k, T)

Louis and Harry have been dating for years, but have been keeping it a secret from the public, which is why when they decide to go on a trip with Liam, Niall, and Zayn to celebrate One Direction’s anniversary, they end up at a farm in the middle of nowhere.

What happens when a picture that shouldn’t have been taken starts circulating on the internet, threatening to mess everything up?

🎃 always had that heart of mine by @voulezloux (7k, M)

louis is nesting, though he won’t admit to it. between being ill, the stress of uni, and near drops, the only thing keeping him afloat is harry’s scent. the fact they don’t get along is neither here nor there

🎃 If We Have Each Other by @pocketsunshineharry (23k, M)

AU where Harry is a single father and a one-night stand is going to change his life forever.

🎃 2 a.m. texts by @sun-lt (30k, T)

Harry has just come out and, with his best friend Louis’ support, he might finally be brave enough to go on a date with the guy he’s been chatting with on a dating app. Meanwhile, there’s a cat that wants to murder Louis, a fast-approaching deadline for Harry to find a new place to live, and this minor situation wherein he and Louis can’t seem to stop making out. It’s not a big deal. Louis is just being supportive.

[escapethewonderland]

If tomorrow it's my turn, I wanna be the last one.

Tonight I sat down to journal but the rage I'm feeling doesn't allow me to leave those words on a piece of paper that I'll be the only one to read. I need to share this with you, in hopes of a better future.

This post is different from my usuals, it's nothing I've done before so I'm going to put trigger warnings before you continue reading.

TW: toxic relationship, d3ath, kidnapping, femicide

If you're uncomfortable reading about these topics, I kindly ask you to stop here.

It won't be coherent, it's been a hurtful week.

This isn't fiction. This is real life.

This is a story that has been all over medias in Italy for the last week.

The narrative that media (newspapers, tv news, social medias) is perpetrating is a pretty fabricated fantasy, a mirror of a patriarchal society that views women as objects, pretty, little things to be possessed, devalued of any quality or importance. We're dolls to be toyed with instead of human beings. It's a disgusting reality that we wake up everyday to and we're tired. We're fuming with a deep rooted rage that will shake this world to the ground.

Because this isn't a story of 2 young, ex lovers running away together like they want us to believe.

It's a story about Giulia, a 22 years old young woman with a brilliant future ahead waiting for her, that was brutally attacked by her ex boyfriend, kidnapped and killed.

"The good guy who would ever hurt a fly". Oh yes, he wouldn't a fly, but he did hurt a woman. A good guy doesn't profess her love for you then beat you to a pulp to drag you into his car when you try to escape. A good guy doesn't control you, a good guy isn't possessive of you to the point it becomes stalking.

None of it is love.

None of it is a good guy.

For a week we've been keeping that fickle of hope alive, that little flame resisting even after all the horrors we know women suffer at the ends of men believing they're entitled to them, like a property they paid for.

However, us women as a collective knew the truth in our hearts already, no matter how hard we tried to pray for a better outcome. She wasn't coming back. Because we've seen thousands of Giulias before her. She's the 105th victim of femicide in Italy from the beginning this year.

105.

Giulia was every single one of us girls and women. She was young, she was brilliant-she was supposed to graduate uni that same day she disappeared. She had a life ahead, full of dreams to be turned reality. She was loved deeply.

Using the past tense is a failure of our society because Giulia was supposed to be with us on this Earth to this day and many more going forward.

Her spirit will live on forever, never forgotten.

We'll burn everything for her, in her name and in the names of the other women whose lives were taken away too soon.

We'll burn everything until our world won't start to change.

I'll leave a poem down below from activist Cristina Torres Caceres that is being used a lot right now to remember Giulia and to light the fire in our raging, bleeding hearts.

Read about her, spread her name and keep her memory alive.

Giulia is us and we're Giulia.

Rest in power.

If tomorrow it's my turn, mom, if tomorrow I don't come back, destroy everything. If tomorrow it's my turn, I want to be the last one.

english source italian source

[true-blue-sonic]

any random espilver thoughts you could offer to someone struck with empty brain? could be angst or fluff, i'm not picky /lh 🫣

I can think some up! Let's see here ^-^

I wonder if Silver would be surprised by how noisy it is in the Chaotix's household. After all, if he's been mostly on his own before, I figure he'll be quite surprised by the liveliness of the Agency! But what especially intrigues him is the fact that Espio very much prefers his own peace and quiet amidst the chaos, and has trained himself very well to embrace it despite Vector and Charmy being around. I figure Silver might just go sit with him and meditate/relax for some time if things become too annoying around him.

Espio strikes me as the kind of person who knows a lot about foraging: he apparently likes camping and he also seems to like educational things, so I figure he might have read up on what plants are edible and such in the wild. I can imagine him and Silver leaving one early morning to go to the forest and find berries and such <3 And if Silver learns some cooking from Amy, they can make them into tasty jams and jellies.

I don't believe this is really possible with Silver's powers in the games, because we've never seen anything like it and the closest we've gotten is his Psychic Knife that isn't so much a knife at all, but it'd be very impressive if he could form shuriken and kunai with his powers. It'd be a concentrated little energy attack that doesn't cover as much ground as his Psychic Knife, but I figure it'll be able to pierce deeper! And Espio is very flattered Silver is trying to incorporate his ninja fighting style into his psychokinesis. Similarly, I think it'd be funny if Silver just.... hurled Espio at an enemy on occasion, haha. They're in perfect sync!

I also wrote a bit of a fic today at uni when I was actually supposed to be transcribing interviews, but you know, fuck that and all, so you can find that under the cut. I hope you like it! ^-^

~~~~~

“You can see the stars so well here,” Silver muses, contently sprawled out over the blanket. “Did you know they look a bit different in the future?”

“Oh?”

“Not by a lot. But whenever I study them, they aren’t exactly in the same place anymore. Just barely!”

“Which sky do you prefer?” Espio smiles back.

“This one, of course. Because you’re here to watch it with me, Espio.”

Laughing softly the chameleon shakes his head; an answer as expected from his dear beloved. “Then we had best make the most of this night,” he agrees. Tomorrow their trip will be over and they’ll go back home, to their city where the light pollution unfortunately makes it difficult to see the sky in all its glory. But here, in this field of rustling greenery and no civilisation for miles and miles, they are perfectly miniscule and at one with the beauty above them.

“I’m going to find all the constellations,” Silver notes back, one finger tracing the air as if he can draw lines on the dark blue scenery amidst the pinpricks of light. Perhaps in his mind he is, his lips forming words Espio knows even though he says nothing out loud, and the sight is…

Ethereal.

Elysian.

Utterly, completely captivating.

Which isn’t so strange, because to Espio everything Silver is and does is captivating, yet he finds it impossible to tear his eyes away from the other this night. Silver’s fur glows like the two moons above them, the cyan circles on his gloves the only source of light around except for the stars. And every single movement gets drunken up by Espio’s eyes, how he gestures his one hand ever so tenderly as if his finger is the paintbrush and the heavens his canvas, how he lays so unguarded and open on their shared blanket, other arm tucked behind his head and honey-golden eyes merely blinking up to the stars before his lips twitch and form into a smile.

“You’re staring, Es.”

“…Ah.” Jolting awake from his musings the chameleon flicks his tail. “Mayhaps, love.”

“Don’t ‘mayhaps’ me, I can feel it.”

With an amused laugh of his own Espio reaches over, his fingers brushing over the hedgehog’s twitching little nose. “Your powers and their perceptive nature.”

“Hmhm,” his beloved huffs back, a pink tongue peevedly battering at Espio’s finger tormenting his poor snoot. “Why are you? Isn’t the sky much too lovely to not look at it?”

“I just so happen to be around a being that makes it far too easy to get distracted with marvelling at him,” Espio notes, scooting himself a bit closer and smiling as Silver curls into him as by instinct.

“Flatterer.” But Silver’s face tucks itself underneath Espio’s chin so perfectly, a content little sigh breathed out against his chest.

~~~~~

[hereforh]

I Don't Wanna Face The Music by hereforh

Louis likes to think he's a pretty normal, typical lad. He likes spending nights at the pub with his mates, he loves football and is very close to his family. So when he moves to London for uni, he doesn’t think much will be different.

Until he makes these news friends who are nothing like his mates back home and change his life for the better - and this one boy who messes with his head from the get go and makes him question everything he has every thought about himself.

firs one is gonna be my own fic, because why the hell not. it's my first published fic and i'm so excited about it!!!! t's a WIP but most of it is already written, so it's being publsihed weekly - new chapter coming tomorrow, btw!!! I mean, I like it quite a lot, so I think you should give it a chance and go read it! (pls? <3)

Twist And Then Collide by bananasandboots (181k)

"These instances can last anywhere from a few days to a few months," one doctor says. "Or they can persist indefinitely."

"Indefinitely?" Louis questions, the only one of them able to find his voice. He keeps throwing cautious glances at Harry, searching to make sure he's okay, to make sure he's still with them, still breathing. Harry wishes he wouldn't. He swallows the bile rising up the back of his throat, audibly exhaling through his nose, sharp breaths, small breaths. It's all he can do to keep from emptying his stomach.

"Travis is in a coma," the doctor says. "There's no way to be certain how long it might last."

Or, the one where Harry's boyfriend falls into a coma and Harry falls for his boyfriend's best friend.

this was so, so lovely. I think I mentioned that I was starting to read it on last month's rec, so it's here again because I finished it and loved it so much. the writing is incredible and the way the characters get close through their grief is SO well done. you can literally feel everything they're feeling and t's such a beautiful read. it's not complete, but the last chapter is supposed to be just an epilogue, so I didn't feel like anything was missing with the way it ends.

You, Me, (and everyone we know) by imogenlee

Rockstar Harry Styles has been making headlines since he was barely legal. After a string of bad decisions, PR nightmares, and an obvious inability to take anything seriously, management and his other band members insist he needs a full-time, live-in personal assistant. After hiring and firing half of the executive PA's in the city, the boys stumble across one that might be able to put up with Harry's shit.

this is a WIP by a dear friend of mine who you might know for YCHIITS. So you know can trust her with frequent updates ;) this fic is amazing and layered and it has enemies to lovers and deeper issues and it's everything this fandom needs right now. trust me.

Save Me (from myself) by imogenlee

The problem with being friends with Liam Payne was that he had a lot of friends... and forced them to be around each other. When they finished high school, both Louis and Harry were equally relieved that they wouldn't have to tolerate each other constantly or whatever it was that they did.

For five years, it worked out perfectly. They'd only had to see each other a handful of times.

Unfortunately, Liam had to go and get engaged, ask them to both be groomsmen, and then go full groomzilla on their arses. With just twelve weeks to plan the 'perfect' destination wedding and throw every ridiculous pre-wedding celebration Liam and his fiancée stumble across, it was safe to say they were firmly back in each other's lives.

And no one could have predicted that was exactly what they needed.

another WIP from dear friend - yes, she's a genius. this one was a lovely surprise that i never thought i'd be into, but, again: trust me. you'll get hooked. the characters dynamic just sucks you in completely.

Still on that tightrope by lunarheslwt (13k)

“Let me take care of you?” “I don’t need to be taken care of,” Louis scoffed, though he still tilted his head up in efforts to get Harry closer. “Why?” Harry asked with a hum, “If this were about me, you wouldn’t let me pull this shit.” Louis’ defiance crumbled as Harry rubbed his thumb back and forth across a nipple, breath catching. “So why is it any different when it comes to you?” “Because.” Harry skimmed over his tummy and chest teasingly. “Because?” “Because,” Louis repeated, breathier, unfocused. “Let me take care of you, baby,” Harry asked again, pushing his shirt up. “Let me make you feel good. I’ve got you.”

Or, Louis has never bottomed before and carries that shame, and Harry has never had to deal with Louis keeping secrets from him before. Neither were prepared for walls to be built or arguments to knock them down, when really, all Harry wants to do is take care of Louis.

this is such a sweet and sexy read. It shows the day to day of a established couple who's struggling with a minor issue that could be easily solved with just communicating to each other - and I'm such a sucker for miscommunication in fics so this was right up my alley.

Chicago by HelloLovers13 (3.5k)

They hadn't seen each other in four years, why was Louis still writing songs about Harry? Larry take on the song Chicago

i'm usually not one for short fics, but this was super lovely and sweet and I wish it was longer!

pull you closer (kiss me harder) by sunshineandthemoonlight (5.8k)

Louis pouts at Harry from across the room. "Why're you getting dressed?"

Harry turns to face him, running a hand through hair still damp from the shower. "One of us needs to have clothes on, to answer the door," he says. "For breakfast."

Louis is about to chuck a pillow at Harry and demand he strip immediately – clothes can always be put back on later – when he notices something.

He pauses, tilts his head to the side.

“Are you wearing panties?”

~

Harry likes to wear panties sometimes. It’s never been a sexual thing, until suddenly it is.

I'm in love with this fic and i wish it had a million chapters. The writing is perfection and i love the hinting at their complicated situation while they're still so sweet to each other and clearly still so in love. one of my favorite reads lately, for sure.

[lover-in-the-graveyard]

God my mind is a mess everything is a mess what even is this what even is love I don't understand I'm all over the place everything is distorted aaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I thought it was 2025 what the fuck why are we still in 2024 god damnit it feels like my life which had been paused for a really long time has suddenly started playing and it's in 2x speed to catch up, everything is happening all at once wtf.

i have a girlfriend now wtf when did that happen, I told her I love her today and I really fucking meant it but now I'm just unsure about it aaaaaaa

and that also forces me to confront my sexuality and that's fucking hard I just wish I could leave it as "yeah I'm probably bi or something" I don't know man, it's more complicated because I don't understand my feelings, and I've never had sex, like I've been... intimate with ppl but like yk not that much maybe, or not like that? idk, but I don't know if I really want to have sex... ever. I just don't know im confused, I don't know what is romance and whatever like a part of me wants her so badly but I just don't know, plus I'm unsure about what I feel towards other people in my life

this other guy told me he really loved me and like, why would you do that??? we haven't talked in a while and i told u I have something going on with someone else (although I did say that I wasn't in an actual relationship bc I told my gf I didn't want to be in one, today that changed)

God and my girlfriend... she really fucking cares about me, I think, and I know I don't deserve it, and I'm also having second thoughts about our relationship and shit I just don't know i don't know what it means to like someone aaaaaaa whyy

I don't understand anything and I'm also tired as shit what the fuckkkkk

not to mention that I'm still depressed as fuck but now that I went back to uni I'm supposed to just keep going every single day and I feel pressured I don't know i already told them I was going tomorrow but I'm so tired and confused and I can't do this I don't know man I just can't

and I also have these deep ass wounds (I'm exaggerating a little bit) bc I cut myself yesterday, I don't think I've ever cut myself this deeply before maybe similar but idk I'm just aaaaaaaaaaaaaa

and like I guess I have been trying to open up and stuff but aaaaaaa wtf is this life I don't understand shitttt

I'm so sleepy and tired I haven done shit in forever god I can't with anything

whatever I'm tired

[which-hospital]

And Another One - Casualty Hiatus Thoughts - 2/?

I'm still ill but I went into uni anyway like the brave little soldier that I am! (Every night, I decide that all the work that I need to do can be done “tomorrow” but we’re rapidly running out of those until the deadlines. I have lost my train pass and student ID. All I’ve listened to all day is the demo version of Geyser by Mitski. Vague sense of doom.) I got myself some Tesco Finest cookies on the way home. I’m just complaining here. 

I'm back for more already, seems like I've opened the floodgates but this one won't be as lengthy as the other one was. Genuinely sorry I can’t shut up. I thought I was done for a while but I put an episode from series 36 on in the background thinking that I'd be able to do stuff while it played but got distracted by my opinions.

Potentially all over the place again, though this one does manage to be mostly about the series 36 mother-hell storylines. So there's a theme. Warning - I started going off about Dark Room which has a lot of transphobia in it and that’s part of what I talked about.

I really don’t know how I feel about the resolutions of Sah and Teddy’s storylines with their mums. Okay, we already know I'm about to be going on about Sah and Teddy's mother problems storylines but I'm sure there are other characters who this is/isn't applicable to - feel free to let me know about it. As a recap: it’s kind of hard for me to figure out how to describe exactly what happens at the end of Friends Like These, but if anyone has ever seen that quote that’s like “I tried to ask my parents to leave the room, but not my life”, Teddy asks Gaynor to leave the room and she leaves his life. A couple months later a patient situation causes Teddy to call his mum (and that is not brought up again when he gets trapped in a mine in the next episode) and also we are left to assume that all is fine now. Pretty simplistically, in Enough, Sah and Jools talk it out after Kevin has another stroke and then they are also just portrayed as being okay forever by the end of that episode. 

I can absolutely believe that these characters, sad and work-stressed and not always the most emotionally mature, would forgive their mothers. I don’t even disagree with it happening on a story level because I think it could make for a really good development in those stories, or even just a less-than-happy ending. What I don’t enjoy is how these endings are presented as being happily-ever-afters and that everything is supposed to be fine now because they’ve forgiven/reconciled with their mothers who haven’t really done anything to deserve it. Jools is objectively neglectful, and telling Sah they were always enough does not make up for that. I think Gaynor’s behaviour is emotionally abusive; she’s controlling his life, emotionally manipulating him, she’s trying to even limit his contact with people other than her (and she has been doing this, he “wasn’t allowed friends”). Unless I'm wrong, we don’t see or hear from Gaynor at all between Friends Like These and We Need To Talk About Ollie. I don’t doubt they love their kids but that doesn’t make them good parents, and it’s not on their kids to be doing the work to improve the relationships. If we’re getting these forgiveness endings then Jools and Gaynor need to put more effort into proving they’ve changed. Or (and I'd probably find this more interesting cause I'm mean). Forgiveness needs to be presented as something that isn’t this simple happy ending because it doesn't feel like that in these circumstances. I respect the potential misery of the undeserved forgiveness, I love misery for them, especially when they’re both in mother-hell together, I am mean. But if you want to give them a happily-ever-after, keep them away from their mothers or make their mothers do the work. 

They make Sah be the bigger person way too much, actually. In Dark Room, why does Sah have to be nice to Scott when Scott deserves to get re-beaten to a pulp? I don’t care that his mum is also terrible. Not only did he bully them when they were teenagers, he tried to ruin their whole life as a fully grown adult. Their mum is terrible as well and you don’t see them acting like that. They don’t need to be the bigger person and try to help Scott and his also terrible mother, they need a weapon of mass destruction. Also, why is Sah’s deadname used so excessively in series 36? Or at all? Ever? I’m sure there were ways around the audience ever needing to actually know what it was, even if they felt like the story required the implication of characters using it. Another potential Casualty hot take, maybe? I don't think Sah's dad is all that great of a parent either. Obviously it is entirely Jools' fault that Sah has to be his carer at such a young age, he had no control over that and Jools is definitely the worse parent, but getting back with Jools without telling Sah, cancelling plans with Sah to go on dates with Jools, excusing Jools’ pretty transphobic remarks and acting like Sah has to forgive Jools because he has really isn’t great. They were right when they said “it’s not just you she left”. IT’S! NOT! JUST! KEVIN! SHE! LEFT! It annoys me that Casualty is like ‘this action will have consequences’ about that scene because Sah is right. The only person I truly like from Sah’s pre-joining-Casualty life is Bill Phillipsen (and his dead wife) and he died. I knew you very briefly/not at all but I miss you Bill and Jean <\3

This post is absolutely the post for me to start getting into the connections between the mother-hell storylines but I won’t in full. They are kind of this pair of opposites, not just on this wider level of overinvolved mother vs uninvolved mother, there are a lot of patterns I’ve noticed in the episodes and the dialogue. I’d find them all now but it's 2am and I need to be awake at 8am at the latest so I’m putting off compiling that list for another day. Some faves that I can remember off the top of my head: opposite Jan advice scenes, Gaynor really struggling to say she’s proud of Teddy even though he really wants her to while one of the first things Jools tries to say to Sah is that she’s proud of them and they tell her not to, “you won’t see me back if I go” vs “I’m back now if it’s not too late”. I really like these connections, that's why I'm so passionate about what I don't agree with in these storylines.

I didn't mention this in my last post but I got my hands on a bootleg of The Play That Goes Wrong with Milo Clarke as Max and it's very enjoyable. I've been meaning to watch TPTGW at least since I watched both series of the show, probably longer, and I succumbed to the Casualty brainrot and and had to see his version. All I'll say: He really knows how to play aunt based nepotism and situations that could be solved with polyamory.

Based on when one of the episodes is set to air, I don’t think we’ll see Casualty back until about December 30th, unless we are gonna have another break between episodes once it comes back. I don’t really care that much and also, Christmas/New Years episode? The most recent Christmas episode was that one where they were like “what if it was last year?” back in 2021 and that’s always been a weird choice to me. I just want a silly little festive one, normal Casualty episode featuring carol singing and tinsel and the implication of a really intense staff party (we will never get the Sah/Teddy Christmas party of my dreams, not this year cause they’re in the current situation, not last year cause no Christmas episode and also the stuff with Jan was happening then, not the year before…). The only thing that bothers me about the hiatus is the inevitable time skip, so much time will have elapsed in universe by the time it comes back so I feel like we will have missed a lot of the immediate aftermath of stuff that happened at the end of Driving Force.

[ajokeformur-ray]

I've been meaning to write that gush post 2019!Erika style like I promised a few days ago but I keep watching the typing thingy blink at me on the screen and I just ???? How am I supposed to put into words how much Arthur Fleck means to me??? How can I do it? How am I supposed to articulate the fact that he's been my rock every day for the last (almost) four years?

How do I tell you about the sheer number of times I've been on my bathroom floor at 3am sobbing into my hands, trying so hard not to make a sound so I don't wake anyone up, and the only reason I've had it in me to brush off my tears, stand up and face the day is because of, smile, through your fear and sorrow, smile, and maybe tomorrow... or that's life, that's what all the people say... or step step step step step? How am I supposed to tell you that I have problems with food and it's easier for me to skip a meal but I have to actively coax myself into making something to eat, and most if not all of the time, I go and make myself food because eat, you need to eat (if food is pre-prepared, I have NO problem. It's just the effort and energy behind making the food which stumps me but I'm working on it)?

How do I tell you about all the times I get so frustrated with the work-study imbalance or not understanding something in my psych or counselling books that I end up banging my head on my desk and then I remember how horrified I feel every time Arthur does the same, and I stop because I'm sure he'd be horrified if he walked in on me doing it? How do I tell you about how, in my darkest moments, even when my cat can't get a smile out of me, Arthur can? How do I tell you that most mornings, on my way to work, I'm yawning, then chugging some coffee, wiping tears of frustration and/or exhaustion away, then yawning again, chugging coffee... for forty five minutes, this is my commute to work (and then from work), and sometimes I stop and do I have to do this again? I just did it yesterday and the day before and I'm tired but then I'll think about how soul-deep exhausted Arthur always was but he did it anyway and therefore, so can I? How do I tell you about all the times I've wanted to quit uni or I've been awake for 32 hours without a nap or any rest due to clashes between work and uni schedules or I've been awake until 3am working on assignments for uni only to then get up at 5am for work and I've been so tired I have cried every time I'm left alone, and I've wanted to quit uni and my job but ultimately I've picked myself up and got back in the race, that's life... and carried on because I started this for Arthur, because he and he alone inspired me so deeply that I took up a job which allows me to help vulnerable people, while doing a degree which will allow me to even further help people? And I've thought of quitting, baby, but my heart just ain't gonna buy it, and if I didn't think it was worth one single try...

How do I say any of this to you in a way which satisfies my heart that it's said everything correctly? How do I tell you any of these things in such a way that the sheer gravity of what he's done for me is properly articulated and put across?

I can't do it.

I just... I can't.

I don't even feel like I can say I love Arthur because it feels like such a silly statement when I compare it to the deep ache in my chest, the way I smile so hard it actually hurts my face, the way he makes the worst of days feel like they ultimately don't matter much because at least I can crawl into bed and watch him on a screen and feel like I'll be okay in the end, because how can I not be when he's up there on my screen, struggling but trying his hardest, and I'm doing exactly the same thing? If Arthur can handle it, so can I. Because no matter how bad my days get, I have some constants - my hair, coffee, music, my cat, my friends on here, fiction - but Arthur... he's the constant constant. He's seen me through grief, loss, tragedy, panic attacks, anxiety attacks, health scares, doctors appointments, operations, interviews, dentist appointments, fear, worry, stress, sorrow, sadness... through all of that, he's helped me to get back on my own feet and take another step, even if that step is right up on my tip-toes because I can't handle a proper step. But he's also seen me through happiness, joy, elation, pride, achievement, progress, he's seen me so happy I've cried, so excited I've squealed and jumped up and down and spun in circles while giggling, he's seen me through the last four years of my life and I'm sure he's gonna be with me for the rest of my life.

I don't know what our lives would look like together. I used to imagine it so vividly, but I'm not the same person I was four years ago - thankfully - but now I can barely see Arthur loving me. I mean, I know it, but I don't know it. Not like I used to. I feel like I've grown so much in this time that he would look at me and not be able to recognise me. My hair has grown out from when it used to be just like his in terms of length, and now it's just two or three inches away from my tailbone, I have glasses now, my room is always a mess because I don't have the time to clean it but if I do have the time, then I don't have the energy, I'm always a good few weeks behind on uni work, I'm always tired, and I just... even now, I look at Arthur and I look at me and I just can't... how??? And yet, at the same time, I have a firm belief that he and I would be a slow burn; we're both painfully shy but I always reach a point where it's like I get sick of my own shit and that's when I act, so maybe I'd be the reason we even talk to each other right in the very early days.

The way I envision our life together now is not at all how I used to envision it and I'm grateful for the change in perception but also I worry that as I am now, our 2019 Arthur wouldn't love me. But perhaps that's just my self-destructive streak making noise; it's much louder when I get stressed and unfortunately for me, I'm always stressed and tight-chested. Between a highly physically and emotionally demanding job which, even when I'm not on shift, I am still dealing with work commitments and group chats and stuff like that, and university, I am swamped, but then I get changed out of my work uniform and slide my Arthur hoodie back on or I come home and grab my Joker cushion and hold it tight or I get out of the shower and put my rings back on, and I feel like I can breathe again.

I would take every punch, every hit, every insult, every rude word, every glare, every 'joke' his co-workers make, I would take everything if it meant that Arthur would be healthy and safe and protected and cared for and loved. I want to take all of those violent marks and bruises across his body and replace them with love, make him feel like he can come home to me every night just like I get to come home to him every night, too. I feel most myself when I watch Joker because I see 2019 Erika, 2020 Erika, 2021 Erika, 2022 Erika, and now 2023 Erika is seeing all those Erikas, changed and new, and seeing an Arthur who is never changing and always the same, and I always find myself in this film. It's my true ultimate comfort and I wouldn't be here or be where I am without this film or without all the things Arthur has taught me. He's made me kinder, gentler, softer, he made me realise what I want to do in life, and I am forever grateful to the man who saved me. I've said it before, not in great detail, but the people who know, know; Arthur saved me. Oncoming traffic was too strong a temptation before I walked into the cinema on the 4th October 2019, and when I walked out, I found myself stepping out of the way of the road so I could go back the next day to see Joker again. And I did. Again and again and again and again until I looked at myself and realised I hadn't seriously thought about traffic or cliffs for months.

And since the day I realised that, I haven't once looked back. I only glance over my shoulder now and then to see how far I've come, and then I face my front again and step step step step step -

And I keep Arthur tightly in my heart all the while because I'm scared that if I let go of him for even a SECOND, 2019 will become my reality once again. It almost is happening again, I'm right on the edge, but I'm holding onto Arthur tightly. I'm keeping him right here with me to remind me that he is my reason. For my life, for my job, for my degree... I want to be someone he would be proud of, someone he could look at and love as deeply as I love him. He's a beautiful tragedy and I love absolutely everything about him. Everything. And we all know that Joker is the part of Arthur I always lean to the most, he's the one I think of for anything, he's the one I picture holding me when the world has me on my knees in my bedroom or in the bathroom, he's the one I picture brushing my hair and braiding it, he's the one I picture through it all, and I don't know if the start of Joker would bring about an end to what Arthur and I have or if he would only deepen it... I don't know if Joker would love me too but I do know that I only love him more because he's Joker. His lap is my crimson throne, his body is my weighted clown blanket, and I... I don't feel like I can say I love him, as I said, it seems silly in comparison, but it's the only phrase I have.

All I know is, if I thought I had even half a chance with Arthur, I would break down every carefully constructed wall around me, every promise to myself, and I'd let him in. I swore, almost six years ago, never again, but four years ago, I swore that I'd let one man in. Just one.

Arthur. Joker. Carnival. Whomever he is, he's my one and only, and I wish I could say even half of this stuff to him.💖

[sansaorgana]

Hey you 👋🏻😇 first of all your TTTW Fic is AMAZING and I love it.❤️🫶🏼 I really enjoy how you write the reader but feyd too. My babies 😄 They're my new favorite couple, lol. I'm so excited for their upcoming future in upcoming chapters.😁

But I'm not only here to praise you like you deserve it. But because I have an idea too. Now I know your requests are closed, but maybe that's an idea for the future??? 🙈

Soooo... what about Feyd and reader's sister are supposed to marry. And while reader's sister hates feyd with all her heart and soul and can't find a good word for him and even hates the idea of marrying him, the reader is somewhat the opposite. She thinks he's fascinating and more than that cruel monster everyone sees. It's like she has a sense of him being just a broken little boy behind that armor and cruelty. And she can't hide her fascination towards him. Her sister can't understand and disrespects the reader because of it. But feyd noticed too, and maybe he's amused??? I really wanna know how he would think about all that??? 👀 is there a chance you'd ever consider writing this in the future because 😭😭😭

Hi babe! Thank you so much for your kind words and the next chapter will be posted tomorrow by the way 😄

And I love the idea!!! I might write it as a one shot when I open my requests for Feyd but it can take a while so if you send it to another writer in the meantime, I'll completely understand 🩷 I really wish I could write everything now but sadly I really neglected my uni work these past few weeks and my professor is not very happy about my thesis progress lol I won't even go back home for Easter this year and just stay at uni and keep writing instead 😭

[starlostseungmin]

HI DARLING OH MYB GOD YOU POSTED IT ALREADY OH MY GOD OMOGOGM im the anon who requested skz x 1d songs im so sorry i locked in the whole day bc i have anatomy finals tomorrow for uni xD

listening to 1d songs as i read it (i miss my 1d boys <//3) fr i was a directioner before i was a stay and this makes me so happy

i agree so HARRRDDDDD perfect and little things are both made FOR chan and BY chan omg you’re so right the way he can be so insecure about himself i just wanna shower him with compliments and remind him that hes beautiful every hour every minute every second of the day </3 and the way you made hyunjin’s last first kiss was PERFECT🥹 i love this song so much (take me home 1d’s best album, i stand by it) han and felix would be the type to be in a fun and adventurous couple doing just about anything and everything and just vibing midnight memories & why dont we go there describes them so perfectly ❤️‍🩹now onto my baby my innie <//////3 both summer love and fool’s gold are so angsty but when u put it this way it is beautiful 💔 i want to for real go on dates with jeongin where we go on picnics and just vibe, or go restaurant hopping and rate their burgers and just be silly together and now i’m realizing he is also so change my mind coded AAAAHHHHH

this is so very delusion inducing and i’m gonna be brainrotting this for WEEKS while listening to 1d songs with a smile on my face again !!! the way you wrote for each member and matched them with one direction songs I AGREE SO HARD i cried you actually posted this bc i’ve been looking through ao3 wattpad and all of tumblr and ONLY YOU did it im so happy this is my 1dxskz crumbs fr THANK YOU SO MUCH 🥹 i’ve been following you since 2022 and have my notifs on HAHAH :D i love ur works and i just wanna know what your favorite one direction song(s) is/are 💗

sorry for yapping i just appreciate this so much xD

HI HI HI OMG GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR FINALS TOMORROW!! YOU'LL DO GREAT 💖

i was actually waiting for your response in regards with the headcanon AAAAND i'm so happy that you loved it!! i was a directioner way back in 2012-2015 tho and i still listen to their songs until now (fr fr i miss them too and has been waiting for a freaking reunion 😭)

it took me hours to find a song that would suit each member, skimmed and scanned every possible songs with their lyrics HSKSKSK i was supposed to write What A Feeling for seungmin, No Control for lee know and Happily for jeongin but yeah 🥹 there are a lot of 1D songs that could describe the members HSKSKSKSKS i wish i could write them all down HAHA hyunjin could be Long Way Down too yk? the one that really got me is Last First Kiss for him and Temporary Fix for changbin, chan is obviously Perfect of course and Lixie has a lot of potential songs, Han too 🫶🏻✨

i appreciate you having to ask me about it, and i apologize it took a while to have it posted here 😭 i wanted to write more of this but i have another series to finish HSJSKSKS too many wips in my google docs too AAAAA and thank you so much for being with me since 2022, for having my notifs on and for loving my works 🥺 i wasn't expecting it, you’re so precious honestly!! ☹️💖

as for my favorite songs, THERE'S A LOT OF THEM LIKE; Love You Goodbye, Infinity, Ready to Run, Why Don’t We Go There, Where Do Broken Hearts Go, More Than This, Half A Heart, I Wish, Moments, They Don’t Know About Us, Olivia, Spaces, Up All Night, Perfect, Best Song Ever and the list goes on 😭😭😭 ooooh and i loved harry and niall btw 😔 how about you? mehehehe