#and i know i know it involves choosing the hardest most painful option but don't blame each other for your pain

[serialreblogger]

So here's the thing: maybe some of our labels were created to be an alternative to the established ones. Maybe "pansexuality" as a label did originate in response to rampant biphobia and deliberate misinterpretation of the word "bisexual" the way it existed, and exists, both within and outside of the LGBTQIA+ community.

So what?

Every single fucking word we've ever had for ourselves are either outright used as slurs or are directly created to provide an alternative to said slurs--and promptly used as insults as soon as the pericishets get wind of them. Every. Single. One.

Queer is the most famous: we've reclaimed it, but that doesn't keep people from using it against us--doesn't keep some of us from having trauma around it, doesn't keep parents and siblings and friends from shouting it as an accusation and a threat. And still, before it was a slur, it was a euphemism. We used it. What other words did we have?

I can't tell you how many times "gay" was thrown around as an insult in my 2015 high school class. I can't tell you how funny people thought it was if you said the word "lesbian." All of our words are used as insults, because who we are is seen as insulting. No sooner do we name ourselves than people begin snickering at the sound.

I've said it before and I'll say it until I have no words left: our entire community is built on shared trauma. We are united by necessity, and most of us have only found ourselves in spite of the world. Half of our names are barely twice as old as we are, and the other half we're still in the process of making. All of them carry trauma in their very letters.

Someday it won't be this way. I don't know when; I hope it's only a few lifetimes from now, but that's only if we keep fighting, and another disaster doesn't strike to sweep us all away (and half our history with us). Someday our community won't be all ragged survivors in a tiny house built of bones. Someday, someday, someday, and we must remember this because we deserve so much better than to let ourselves be defined by our pain, we are not only what we lack, we are not built broken - but none of that's now. Not yet.

For now, for who knows how much longer, our community is saturated with its own blood and shattered glass, and that means our sharp edges cut each other as much as the world that breaks us. And all of us have to find our own ways to go on existing in a world that wants to grind our shards down until nothing is left but dust and empty graves.

And for some of us that means accepting the fact that, in the world as it is, we can never be anything but sharp - at least on some edges. For some of us that means taking every insult they throw at us and saying "yes, and so what?" For some of us that means becoming that which the world most abhors. Some of us don't have a choice. Some of us choose to embrace it.

And some of us are too tired for that. Some of us are not built to be shards of infinite fury, some of us look for ways to build new walls that are not bone, some look for ways to staunch the bleeding instead of accepting it as part of us. Some pick their battles and the battles they pick are not the same as others.

We're all just human. There's only so much fighting we can bear.

That's the point of being a community, even if right now it's just a community of refugees: we're meant to cover each other's backs.

And that's not to say any one label is easier to bear in this world than another, that's not to say naming yourself "pan" is easier than "bi," but the battles are slightly different - the prejudices are different, the histories behind the words and the baggage they both carry are different. Not less, not greater, but not the same, and that matters.

Regardless of why: we deserve to have a choice.

There's so much about this that we don't get to choose. We can choose our names. It doesn't have to mean we hate people who choose otherwise. It's okay to be different, even if it is by choice.

And it is not the fault of people who are different that your mutual oppressors hate you both. Other queer people are not the cause of your oppression. It's not gay men's fault trans women are oppressed or vice versa, even if queerphobes will use both as "arguments" against each other. It's the fault and the fault alone of queerphobes, for choosing to oppress them both.

The existence of a queer identity people use against you is not the reason for your oppression, any more than your childhood sibling is the reason for your parent's abuse. The only people who are ever to blame are the oppressors.

[kookieskiwi]

Badboy!au with the quote "Yeah, well i shut everyone out. Don't take it personally." with a bit of angst pwease 🥺🥺 but a lot of fluff hihi i'm sorry i asked for a lot 🥺🥺🥺 i wub u ✨

(I love it when people ask for a lot because it gives me more to go off of ❤️ and I wuv you too!!) (I changed the I to we since I write poly stuff and no member was specified )

-

You had one of the most amazing personalities anyone had ever seen. You were always caring, you put others before yourself and you gave second chances to everyone; even those that didn’t deserve it. That character trait of yours always got you into situations that had you blaming yourself for stupidity and too much kindness. Prehaps it wasn’t stupidity but it was the fact you saw the good in everyone rather than focusing on their personas and negative traits.

Some people called you näive, others called you gullible, you’d been called just about everything since you began high school. It was normal; there would be people who hated you, loved you and those that took advantage of you. You were accepting to everyone, you helped tutor those who needed it and you gave up your free time and time to do your own work in order to guide those who asked for help through the phone in order to be discreet.

It wasn’t until you met the Bangtan boys that you realized just how much people relied on you for help. They first came to you a year ago when finals begun to ask for help which basically involved you suming up an entire years worth of material in a week. It wasn’t easy since you had your own to study for at the same time but it also counted as a review guide for yourself. Since then they’ve come to you in secret or you’d go over to their shared house to help one or all of them review a topic.

Over the past few months you and the infamous bad boys had grown close meaning what had previously been school related meetings became a friendship with meet-ups that didn’t involve school at all. They became some of the closest friends you had in a long time giving you a sense of connection you didn’t know you needed.

That was however until you overheard one of their conversations as you were on your way to your vehicle. “She’s too close, we let her in and allowed this to go on for too long.” It was Namjoon speaking as he informed the others of their mistake. “But hyung, she hasn’t done anything to make us question her intentions,” Jungkook defended you in your absence which you were grateful for. It physically pained you to hear what they were thinking of you. It was one of those moments where you could actually feel your heart tearing apart as tears welled in your eyes. “Exactly and we aren’t sticking around to find out what they are.” Yoongi chimed in with Namjoon, defending the man who wanted you out of the picture.

You stood there leaning lifelessly against the wall contemplating whether or not to make a run for your vehicle. That option seemed like the best one to choose until you were too late. Apparently they had finished up their conversation and were exiting the classroom only to be met with you; the person who had shown them nothing but compassion and helped them. The soul who was once positive now felt that fullest depth of betrayal you had ever felt before.

“Y/n-“

“No.” You snapped as you returned from your lifeless state to look through blurry eyes at the men who stood before you. “I will not let myself be spoken about behind my back by people who I’ve shown nothing but kindness towards. I have no ill intentions with anyone of you unless wanting to be friends is such a terrible thing. I’ve done NOTHING but be help you when you needed it, not to mention I was the only one who took you all seriously because of the face you put up. So no. Don’t explain because I heard everything you had to say.” You told them trying to hold your composure together until you got home. You would not show weakness now more than ever, sure the tears showed it pretty well but you wanted to scream and yell at their ignorance.

Without another word you walked out of the hallway and entered your car followed by a slam of the door shut before you exited the campus. On the way to the condo which your guardians bought so you had a safe place to stay while getting an education, you broke down completely. It hurt more than you thought it would, of course you were stupid to catch a slight case of feelings for seven different guys who happened to be dating each other (a secret you came you find out when you got closer to them, they made sure no one on the outside knew) but that didn’t stop your battered heart from skipping a beat every time they smiled or laughed.

When you did arrive home you went to unlock the door with shaky hands and after multiple times of missing the keyhole you finally unlocked it. Dropping your bags you shut and locked the door behind you, taking a second before sliding down it in utter distress.

-

The next day you skipped classes all together; something you rarely did unless you were ill even then, that was only because you didn’t want to get anyone else sick. You had a headache from crying all night, your nose was stuffy, eyes puffy and red and to sum it all up: you felt like shit.

You spent the day moping around at the loss of a friendship. When classes let out you weren’t expecting anything from the boys however you received a text message stating one simple thing.

Taehyungie: Come over please.

There were no emojis, no use of a nickname....nothing, which must’ve meant this was important. So, against your minds wishes your heart dragged you to their home with heavy feet. You looked horrible and felt it too, but here you were yet again, putting others before yourself.

You didn’t even have to knock before the door was flying open followed by both Jimin and Jungkook hugging you tightly as you just stood there too tired mentally to do anything back. You were confused and they could tell so they backed off allowing you inside. You were guided to the couch where you sat hugging the arm trying to be as far away from any of them.

“Y/n, please let us explain.” Jin began hoping for you to look up at any of them but you kept your tired eyes locked on the empty space in front of you. “We have a reputation we must keep up, we can’t seem weak or things will be different for all of us.” Hoseok stated in an easy tone trying to stay calm even though he had the urge to run up to you and hug you. “Letting people in isn’t weak, it’s called being human.” You argued in a monotone still not looking anyone in the eyes.

“Yeah, well we shut everyone out. Don’t take it personally.” Yoongi spoke defensively making you absentmindedly flinch at the harsh tone in his voice. “How am I not supposed to take it personally!? You have no reason to shut me out and I’ve given you every reason to let me in!” You begun standing up and finally looking at the men who wore shocked expressions at your tone. “I don’t know what any of you have been through but I promise you this isn’t the way to live your lives. Let me in, let me show you not everyone has bad intentions with you. Let ME be the one to change your mindset. Because damnit I’m tired of being thrown out when I do nothing but help.” Your voice wavered at the end of your sentence making you curse yourself.

“Let me in because I’ve shown everything I am to you.” You whispered as a single tear rolled down your cheek but you were quick to swipe it away. “Let me in because I love you all.”

“You what-“ Jimin gasped standing up in surprise as did the others. “I know- I know it’s stupid and you’ll probably think it’s a schoolgirl crush, b-but over the past few months when I’ve gotten to know you for you and not the bad boys everyone else knows you as...I fell. Fast and hard. Which is why I’ve been so upset over what you said because I KNOW you will be fine without me, I KNOW you can move on and shut people out like you do but I don’t want to be shut out like everyone else.” You explained giving up at wiping the tears which just kept falling at this point. It was hard admitting your feelings especially at this time but this was either the making or breaking point if everything so why not?

“If it wasn’t for you, we’d be so lost right now y/n.” Namjoon begun taking one step towards you as you remained still. “We’ve all been thinking about you a lot lately.” Yoongi stated from beside you where you didn’t know he was until then. “You are a wonderful person, never forget that.” Taehyung said making you think this was goodbye. “You deserve someone who values you.” Jin whispered softly behind you as more tears filled your eyes. This couldn’t be it, not goodbye. “Someone who will kiss away all of your pain and scars.” Jungkook said stepping forward as well. “You know the hardest part about finding someone you love but being apart even though you have six others? It’s the endless nights awake knowing that the missing piece that completes us is right in front of us but we are too afraid to take that leap of faith fearing that we’ll be rejected.” Jimin stated grasping onto Yoongi’s hand to squeeze it. “Y/n, we’ve made a complete fool of ourselves that past day because we aren’t the people who we want to be. We are so sorry little one, so sorry and no amount of verbal apologies will show it until our actions change.” Hoseok said motioning to the other men who were gazing at you with something you couldn’t identify.

Your mind was going a million miles an hour at this point. Why where they saying this? Surely they couldn’t mean you...could they?

“You deserve someone who will treat you with the most respect, give you all the love and happiness you deserve and protect your kind heart. If you’ll let us, we’d like to be those men.” Taehyung said grabbing your hands which had been fiddling with the hem of your sweater. You looked at them with the most innocent, pure eyes they had ever seen, you were in total shock at what they had asked. When it sunk it you chocked on a sob. This wasn’t goodbye, it wouldn’t be the end.

“Yes, yes, a thousand times yes.” You said in a mix of laughter and sobs before running into Taehyung’s chest to wrap your arms around him tightly. The others followed your suit as you all began to express the feelings you had kept up for so long.

-

“‘Us’ I like the sound of that, don’t you?” You said as you laid cuddled into Yoongi’s chest while everyone was spread amongst the couches. You weren’t aware of what had slipped off your tongue until Yoongi was putting his hand over his heart saying ‘Ahh too cute’ while squeezing his eyes closed.

“I love the sound of us.”

-

As always..any further ideas or chapters you want from a Drabble can be requested and I’ll more than happily do them! Part 2 or another Drabble with a quote relating to this one if requested!! With bunches of love -Kiwi (KookiesKiwi)

[fairycosmos]

I don't think I can go on living for much longer and I don't have anyone I can talk to. No one wants to help me. They all pretend they care, but I know they're lying. I just want to go home. I know I don't belong here.

hey love. i'm so fuckin sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time right now. idk the specifics of what is going on or what had lead you to this point - and i think to some extent, it's ok to process negative emotions. to cry, to breakdown sometimes, to not have it all figured out. but if you truly want the weight of it to be lifted you have to try to recognise the difference between having these urges and acting on them, between the lies that your mental illness is trying to convince you of, and the objective truth. it's normal to feel like you don't belong here because life is about continuously carving places for yourself out of the world. it's easy to believe in giving up, to not question anything your brain is telling you, but just taking 5 minutes a day to ground yourself in reality could make a huge difference. i absolutely promier that you do not have to end your life in order for things to change. it's inevitable if you stick around long enough. you want peace and harming yourself is not the way to find it, not when there are so many other ways that are a hundred times more substantial. i know you're tired. i know the thought of putting in effort is exhausting, and seems impossible when you don't give a shit about your own wellbeing. but for now i'm simply just asking you to consider other alternatives, to block out the voice that tells you it's pointless. why do you think the people around you are lying? do you have genuine proof of this, or do you think it could be a tactic your brain is using so you further isolate yourself, feeding into the self destructive cycle? mental illness often makes us think in absolutes, to believe things that fit our self hating narrative even if they're not true - but i know you're strong enough to counteract this. you are. think of one person you trust, or that you want to trust, and then consider what you can actually do about that fact. you sent this ask for a reason and i'm so glad you did, because it shows that you're able to reach out, that you're able to put your thoughts into words bc some part of you still knows theres a chance. use that feeling in your actual life. you don't have to go into great detail, you just have to admit to that you're not ok and that you think you need additional support. whether it be a family member, a friend, anyone..... it's alright for it to feel embarrassing, it's alright to not know exactly what to say. it's about communicating and letting yourself be vulnerable. please try to prioritize the importance of that over what your mind is telling you. and if that's not an option, there are numerous helplines and support groups available, or you could make an appointment with your doctor to see if he/she can refer you to someone. suicidal thoughts, while not normal, are somewhat common and there is A LOT that can be done to identify the root causes of them, to begin learning healthier coping mechanisms so they don't take over your life etc. i know this is all unexplainably difficult. i know that your brain is only allowing you to see sense in the things that harm you. but i'm telling you from an indisputable outsiders perspective - you have so much worth. you are supposed to be here. taking away your own future over thoughts and feelings that can be otherwise tackled is not going to solve anything. it's ok to be sad but it's not ok to let it dictate all aspects of you, which is easier said than done, but a professional can show you how to achieve that over time. you honestly have the rest of eternity to be dead and only this very short, infinitely rare moment to be alive. please don't take that away from yourself, please try to let the weight of your own significance sink in. even if you can't fully believe me, just recognise it as a possibility for now. all of this is so fuckin temporary, above all else, and that's the biggest trick of mental illness. because it totally convinces you that the pain will always be this intense, but it won't. please consider what you need to do for your own health, even if it goes against everything you're feeling. just finding one person, between hotlines and doctors and family and friends, is good enough. give them the chance to be there for you. they will appreciate the honesty. it's ok if you need time to work up to it. it's ok to be afraid, and there is no deadline of rush. all of this is a process and the urge to give up will always be a part of it, but you deserve so much better than that. and it's waiting for you, if you have a bit of faith in/empathy for your future self. okay? take this one day at a time and let that be enough, because the only factor you can control entirely, is the present moment. it's about looking at what you need VS what you want and knowing there's productivity and peace in choosing the former. you don't have to worry about anything else, it's all an abstract and ever changing concept. you can and will pull yourself back from the brink of this because you are the only person who can, and you have the tools to do so. i would hate hate hate for you to act impulsively and then regret the choice you made once it was completely irreversible. which would likely be the outcome. there are so many people, no matter how much you won't want to accept it, who will help you if you let them know there's a problem in the first place. taking that initial step is one of the hardest and most freeing parts, and you are fuckin capable. even if some days all you do is cry and hold you back, even if sometimes it all feels genuinely impossible, please take a breath and stick around. you are not an exception to the rule and happiness is not linear or constant - but it is out there waiting for you, in so many different forms. it's alright if you can't bring yourself to believe me right now. and it's ok to be sad, but it's not ok to let it control the fate of your entire human existence. which is a lot easier said than done, but a professional will literally show you how to achieve that. please, try to take a step back and acknowledge the falsity, the pointlessness, of the self destructive cycle. you have the power to break it, one small effort at a time. and it doesn't have to be an every day thing - even just making the conscious choice to practice a self compassionate or healthy coping mechanism a few times a week (even if u feel stupid), will make a difference. like i said before, there are so many avenues to peace that don't involve hurting yourself. okay? i believe in you with all my heart and i know you're doing better than you realize just by sending this. i'm sending you a lot of love and lending you strength whenever you need it. if you want to talk please message me anytime. you are not alone, and so many of us understand. take it one day at a time.

https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines