#and i just want to share my life with someone instead of feeling so isolated and alone | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

talia-black · 6 months ago

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RELATIONSHIP HEADCANNONS

Mondstadt Boys

Nothing sexual is explicitly mentioned in this, only vaguely suggestive for Venti. For all of the younger characters it is strictly romantic. (And before you come at me in the comments, I went to high school. I’ve seen close romantic relationships between teenagers that never even verged on sexual and would never even consider writing an underaged character in such a light.)

This is also my first time making a post like this, so please be nice. Any advice is welcome since I’m still relatively new to Tumblr.

Kaeya-

Kaeya would never in a million years consider dating someone with serious romantic intentions, even if his feelings were fully reciprocated. His past, his secrets, his ties to so many dangerous factions would put them in immediate danger at all times, and if there’s one thing we know about Kaeya it's that he would do anything to protect the people he loves. Including breaking both his and their hearts in the process. But if he was free from all of that, Kaeya would love an SO who he could just relax around. Just be Kaeya instead of everything else. They would be his safe space, his only true home outside of Dawn Winery, and the true meaning of freedom for him.

What Kaeya didn’t know he wanted in a significant other was someone who could see past his masks instinctively. They never commented on his half-truths, his bluffs, his misdirections. But through the briefest of eye contact he knew that you knew exactly what he was doing. He comes back home in the early hours of the morning with bloody knuckles and open wounds, they are still up and bandages him while talking softly about whatever gossip had been hot on the market that morning.

Kaeya is flirtatious by nature, and his playboy attitude extends to them in public so many don’t think their relationship is that serious. But behind closed doors, with his heart open and gently placed in their hands, you would think they were divine in nature. They laughed at the attempts of other people to flirt with him, because they already knew that his heart belonged to them.

Diluc-

Much like Kaeya, Diluc knows he lives too dangerous a life to consider a romantic relationship. Unlike Kaeya though, he craves that connection just a little more fiercely than Kaeya. While Kaeya is constantly surrounded by the friendly comradery of the Knights, Diluc is far more isolated. Of course he has Adeline, Elzer, and the other workers at the Dawn Winery who’ve known him since he was a child, but he doesn’t share any close friendships that goes to on a regular basis. What Diluc knows he would want in an SO more than anything else is companionship. If he could afford to, he wouldn’t care where they’re from or what their background is if they were able to make him forget about his responsibilities for just a little bit. Someone he can come home to.

What Diluc didn’t know he wanted was someone who could help him repair his stunted relationships. Someone who invites Kaeya over for tea while they know he will be home and eventually coax both of the brothers to dig up five years worth of skeletons and come to a much better understanding. Someone who helps him at the bar after long days working in the vineyard, keeping an ear out for anything people might not otherwise let slip near the intimidating man. Above all else, Diluc did not know what he wanted was a true partner who was as dedicated to his own wellbeing as he was to theirs.

Diluc would not be showy about his affection beyond what was appropriate for a gentleman. Arm hooked around yours, hand against lower back, and maybe a quick peck on the lips if they had relative privacy. Back home though, this man is so touch-starved that he will be wrapped around his SO for as much time as possible. Playing chess? Too bad, they have to move their pieces while sitting on his side of the board. Reading a book? Someone’s head is in the other person’s lap. Sleeping? They only use a thin sheet because Diluc is a heater and plasters himself to his SO’s back and tucks them under his chin like a stuffed animal.

Venti-

Wow. You thought the previous two were traumatized? Venti has watched entire civilizations be wiped from remembrance at the whims of the Heavenly Principles and does everything in his power to make Monstadt seem like less of a threat in order to prevent the same thing from happening to him. Nearly all of his significant relationships have been ended by death or time, so the thought of having an SO, especially an immortal one, would terrify him. Contrary to popular thinking, I think Venti would want an SO who is mortal. 60-70 years of bliss, forever immortalized in song, and out of reach from the claws of the Heavenly Principles.

What Venti didn’t know he wanted was an SO who was an artist themselves. He was so used to being the performer, the one expected to entertain the audience with story and song. With just a little instruction (and maybe a blessing made on a bet) they were already able to rival Venti’s prowess with a lyre. It made quite the stir in Mondsadt, as Venti had been unmatched for years, and soon fan clubs were formed. Whether they were being shipped or slandered, there was none who could deny the inherent chemistry between Venti and his rival. In fact, there was no clear confirmation on their relationship until Venti drank nearly half of the Angel Share’s stock on a dare and kissed them full on the mouth. And even then the heated debate persisted. Until one day, they climbed on top of the church and belted out a serenade for all of Monstadt to hear before proposing to their “cheeky, bird-brained, bastard who also happens to be the love of their life”. Yeah, Venti may or may not have caused a mini hurricane to knock them off their feet so he could sweep them away to Starsnatch Cliff.

Venti is flirty, but after he starts seriously courting his SO he noticeably tones it down. Creative and blush-inducing complements to his audience were still common, but nothing truly improper. In private… he shared an ungodly amount of characteristics with those cats he’s allergic to. Spoiled with kisses and cuddles, demanding when he goes without their attention for more than a few minutes, and if they’re open to it, always ready for more exciting activities. Like stated previously, Venti doesn’t want his SO to be immortal. As much as their death will hurt, at least he was able to make sure that their short life ended peacefully and with a full heart. He will sing your songs and tell the tale of the two bards who had captured each other’s hearts. Besides, even he will return to the winds one day. And then will be able to reunite with them, and all of his old friends.

Razor-

Honestly, Razor’s concept of a romantic relationship between two humans is either completely nonexistent or radically underdeveloped. He’s seen wolves court and mate (Though Andrius keeps Razor away during mating season. Young pups should not witness such things) so I think that any kind of romantic action would just come off as heavily platonic or familial. He’s never thought about finding any sort of life-partner, all he wants is to protect his family, so whatever vague idea of an SO or “mate” Razor has would involve him taking care of them and being taken care of in turn.

What Razor didn’t suspect was that his SO would be so willing to be accepted into his Lupical. While he had friends like Bennett and Klee who were nice to him whenever they saw him around, but most people still tended to avoid Razor. It hurt a bit, but as long as Razor had his Lupical and his friends, he never gave anyone else much thought. Until one day, he found an adventurer freeing a wolf cub who had gotten its paw stuck in a hunting trap. Such traps should not have been so close to the wolves’ territory, and Razor found out later that they had come on a commission from the Knights to investigate. However, Razor noticed how in the process of freeing and bandaging the pup, they had torn open their hands. He had immediately gone looking for Wolfhook, and waited until night when they had fallen asleep to sneak in and apply the berry paste. He didn’t want to frighten them, and instead opted to watch over them while they slept. He fell asleep sometime during the early morning, and only awoke to the smell of meat cooking. He opened his eyes to see the adventurer watching him from the opposite side of the fire, a plate of berries and steaming meat set near him.

Razor was quickly enamored by the lone adventurer. They were a new recruit, and had actually heard of Razor from Katheryne when they accepted the commission. Over time, the adventurer ended up taking every opportunity possible to visit Razor. The boy’s excitement whenever he caught their scent on the wind never lessened, and both of them often spent nights in the middle of Wolvendom in blissful silence. Razor never felt like he had to talk much around them, and the same could be said of them. The two were able to discern most of what they needed to from body language, facial expressions, and scent in Razor’s case at times. It didn’t take long for them to be introduced to the rest of Razor’s Lupical. The pup they had rescued recognized them immediately and spent the entire evening receiving head scratches. As midnight approached, the older wolves nudged Razor towards their slumped over form. They had passed out with most of the pups on top of them, and Razor immediately curled up behind them with his chin resting over their exposed neck protectively. Just as he had watched the wolves do with their mates.

Albedo-

Wow. Kinda a mix of Kaeya and Razor; he is flirty (His teapot voice lines startled a blush out of me the first time I heard them) but way more subtle about it. But I also don’t think he has ever seriously considered a romantic relationship with someone. While the thought had crossed his mind once or twice, who could he possibly meet who would be compatible with him? His personal identity as a homunculus and a creation of Rhinedottr means he is already a nonhuman entity, and his title as Mondstadt’s Chief Alchemist and his work keeps most of his relationships strictly professional. Even his friendships are mostly cordial, though he does enjoy the company of others at times. This man is always doing something, so entertaining romantic notions for anyone has never entered the picture. However, I think he would like a SO similar to Fanon!Traveler Lumine (And I’m not just saying this because I’m on the Albelumi ship I promise). Someone who managed to catch Albedo’s attention would need to have something inherently unique about them. Someone who manages to keep his attention on them for a significant period of time would have to have an equally appealing, lighthearted personality that practically lit up the room whenever they walked in.

What Albedo did not expect from his SO was someone who showed so much care for him. Someone who is curious about Albedo’s work, even if they don’t fully understand it. Someone who may not understand art, but recognizes the effort Albedo puts into his drawings. Someone who invites (read: coerces) Albedo out of his lab to go eat at Good Hunter or take the evening off to relax at Angels Share. Their occupation and background doesn’t mean much to him personally, the information is only relevant if it pertains to their health or behavior. Only one issue with this set up, even if feelings are completely reciprocated. Albedo has no clue what these feelings are and where they are coming from and will spend far too much time deliberating on what he should do to them. Much to the exasperation of all of the Knight and his fellow alchemists. Once Albedo does a full analysis of himself (bloodwork, brain scans, chemical analysis, a few experiments to see how he reacts to certain stimuli, this man is nothing if not thorough) he will come to the conclusion that he is in love. (Sucrose sighs when Albedo brings the test results to her.) And he immediately launches himself into a new kind of research. He asks around about the best way to confess, and eventually decides to cultivate a new species of flowers specifically for them and then just cut to the chase over a private picnic under the stars. This man already has no filter, so once he manages to correctly identify the emotions he is feeling, the length of time between then and the actual confession would be much shorter.

Those flowers Albedo cultivates in their honor would be everywhere once his SO admitted their feelings were mutual. He dedicated an entire section of the alchemists’ greenhouse to them and ordered for no one else to touch them except for him. They would find the flowers in their hair, in between books, scattered around Albedo’s workspace, and somehow in their house. Similar to Diluc, the few times Albedo and his SO were out together in public people would know that they’re dating, but beside the fact that the two were almost always holding hands and the occasional peck on the cheek, neither were overly affectionate in public. Albedo would also be incredibly flexible in private when it came to their dynamic. He likes both giving and receiving affection and doesn’t really have a preference as long as he can spend as much time as possible in their company when he’s not working. They like to follow him on his expeditions to Dragonspine, mainly for the excuse to snuggle with Albedo every night when they get cold. The rest of the Knights adjusted well to Albedo’s SO, even if Sucrose needed to take on more work at times so Albedo could spend more time with them. The Knights closest to Albedo watched with fascination as the typically workaholic alchemist actually took lunch breaks, got in late, and left the moment he was satisfied with the progress of his experiments. What they don’t see is how the way he treats his SO in private is almost reverent. They are his muse, his lover, and his eternal companion (because unlike Venti, Albedo would 100% find a way for his SO the share his lifespan if they so chose to) and in one of his dark moments, Albedo realizes just how much he would ruin if it meant they stayed safe.

Also, Alice would 100% show up for the first time in years just to help her son get ready for his first date.

Haven’t played Bennett’s hangout quest yet and don’t know enough about his character so I will probably post him with another nation once I get around to it.

I’ll get around to doing Liyue if enough people decide they like this.

#genshin impact #diluc x reader #kaeya x reader #genshin drabbles #genshin x you #relationship headcanons #venti x reader #razor x reader #albedo x reader #diluc headcanons #kaeya headcanons #venti headcanons #razor headcannons #albedo headcanons

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pix-writes · 2 months ago

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"Ford is grateful for your patience and willingness to be involved in his life, especially as he knows he wasn't good at opening up to you when you were starting to become friends let alone a relationship." This is from Stanford HC, and I find it very interesting! How would he act at the beginning of the relationship? What does it take for him to become friends with someone, and that evolves into romance?

My thinking behind this part of my HCs is what Ford has been like through the series, he is shown throughout multiple media in the GF series, that he has continually pushed people away as part of his wound of feeling isolated due to his intellect and polydactly. Through this wound he's actually developed over the course of the series and his time in the portal a lone genius hero archetype that he wants to fit into, to compensate for the hurt he has continually felt from others and being an 'outsider'. (I could go into this in more depth about where this comes from in his childhood and how it affects his outlook when he comes across bill/building the portal, honeslty, but this is the jist of what I want to get across).

(rest under cut)

It's only really once we get to weirdmageddon and post-oddpocalypse, that Ford's arc comes full-circle into healing this wound for good --> as we know Ford has a fair few people in his life who love/care for him, in the past (Bill era) he was unable to see it, but once he exits the portal he begins to care for the twins and value them (and stan, even though he doesn't show it); this makes him take a similar route in trying to defeat Bill still largely on his own, because he doesn't want the people he loves to be in danger and blames himself for Bill's hold on their dimension, thus Ford thinks it's his problem to deal with --> Once they start working together to defeat Bill is the turning point for him to realise that he was wrong and that in order to defeat Bill, you have to work together. [I think he even says that he realises he was foolish for thinking he had to go it alone and that there are people who love him that he can share the buren with, I think in Journal 3 or TBOB (can't remember which rn).] I would argue that it's not until Stanley's great sacrifice in order to save the kids/the world, after screwing up the circle magic thingy, that reality hits him like a ton of bricks and he starts being more open and quickly starts to heal his biggest character wound.

So, considering this in a potential relationship, I think Ford, is generally closed-off, which hasn't helped him in the romance department in his life in the past! Whilst I can see the judgement of others and his outsider status socially would impact this as well, being closed-off and individualistic means that when he does come across someone who would be a good prospective partner, he just... assumes they'd not be interested or overlooks them because he's doing something important and isn't thinking of romance in the moment, so if the other person flirts with him he's not good on picking it up. [I'm finding this all terribly relatable!]

With the insecurity from his wound on top of this, it doesn't make for a good mix, Fiddleford, for example, was not only an assistant but quite a great friend to Ford that he didn't appreciate at the time and due to the added influence of Bill wanting to isolate him from people, Fiddleford ended up having his attempts of deeper connection being thrown back in his face! Whilst a lot of this was unintentionally done on Ford's part, he did tell him when he left that he "didn't need anyone". In the past at Backupsmore Uni, he says that there's not a lot of people he finds 'smart enough' to be on his level to be friends with - which is textbook classic defensiveness to reverse that 'no-one understands me' mentality into something that props up his ego instead. Pushing people away means that he won't have to face the rejection he continually experienced in his childhood, but it means he's potentially pushed away people who could like him as well!

So, I think that in the beginning of a budding friendship/potential relationship, Ford would not be the best at connection or communicating his feelings openly, he'd likely step on other people's toes (metaphorically) in social situations, without realising or meaning to offend someone.

That said, I think it'd be easy for him to become interested in someone who is clearly talented and intelligent, someone who similarly values higher education yet also has a similar love for that which doesn't fit the norm/is bizarre. Perhaps someone who is also deemed a societal 'outsider'. He's been feeling lonely for so long that if you're persistent and kind and can get him to talk on the subjects he loves, he'll start to see you as a friend. I think that being kind and thoughtful with gestures (acts of service) and gifts either to him or his grand-niece/nephew are other things that will make you stand out from the crowd, too, for him to see you as a genuine good person and friend.

However, he will struggle to open up and to let out his natural self (nerdy, passionate, dedicated, 'weird'), so it will take a while to deeply connect to Ford if you're friends, and even longer for him to realise you're interested in him romantically and to act on it.

I think in that stage of 'good friends that are attracted to each other', he would have fallen for you fast; but at the same time he doesn't trust that you are romantically interested in him, even if you have said that you are, part of his mind tells him that it's a trick, a joke. You might think you want to be with him, but you'll leave him soon enough when you realise he's so inexperienced in romance/relationships etc, etc. I think a lot of his old wounded mentality would surface and he's try to push you away, if you get together post-weirdmageddon, or would just shoot you down intentionally/unintentionally if you get together beforehand. Furthermore, he has been a 'loner' for most of his life, particularly after 30 years in the portal, so it's difficult at first in a relationship to share the more mundane things, since he's used to being on his own.

Ford would overthink things to the point of anxiety at the very beginning of a relationship and make it more awkward than if he just relaxed! ^^' He's a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to planning dates, too (reminds me of dipper with the list lol), though it's sweet, cause he cares so much to make it good for you! Once it goes wrong a couple times, you'll both find the humour in it and he'll realise he's being foolish again and relax a little. You'll have to give him reassurance and go at his slow pace in the start of a relationship and he'll find some confidence, probably quicker than either of you anticipated too! He's liked you for a long time by the time you get together, so whether he intends to or not his passionate nature leaks through ;)

#answered asks #stanford pines imagines #gravity falls imagine #stanford pines x you #stanford pines x reader #tbob #this is more of a character study really but I hope this answers your questions anon :)#i have a lot of thoughts on stanford's pov/thought process through the series because i find his outlook somewhat relatable #as someone labelled a gifted child and had a narcassistic abusive father myself #its not surprising to me that someone like Ford developed this certain outlook and fell for Bill's manipulation #drives me a little crazy that some don't understand his reasonings and why he didn't choose other options when Bill revealed his true natur #btw i'm not saying stanford is right and stanley wrong they're both equally in the right AND wrong that's the whole tragedy of their storie #anyway these tags have gotten of topic; i just really love ford ok? ^^'

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yourstrulyrika · 10 months ago

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rika <3 was wondering if u could write smth about leon reassuring reader? maybe she insecure, thinks that leon deserves someone better (ada maybe?)

you are sooo sweet to us all, i hope you are taking care of yourself!! xoxo

hello ♡ of course!! i actually love this concept, been thinking about this, so ofc! also love you too ♡ i’m glad all of you are following me!!

no warnings, pure fluff and comfort. heavy mentions of insecurity and mental struggles though. reader is hinted to be Leon’s mission partner, but not stated directly!! re4r!Leon :3

you’re insecure, to say the least. always thinking you’re not good enough, that you’re ugly, undeserving— and then there’s Leon. the most perfect man you laid your eyes on, and he’s your boyfriend. he loves you, more than life itself — but even when he tells you that, you don’t quite believe it. Leon is honest, sure, but what if he’s just saying this? what if he just doesn’t want to make you upset? those thoughts keep nagging your head. your mind is your own hell.

and there’s also Ada. Ada Wong — Leon has said so many times they don’t share anything, that he doesn’t like her that way.She’s just the part of his life he can’t get rid of—

and that mere sentence strengthened your doubts. it got worse. so much worse.

you saw her like once in your life, and the way Leon looks at her. you started thinking he loves her, doubts eating you alive. Ada is so much prettier, so much better, smarter, stronger— the list can go on. you hate it. what if Leon likes her more and is with you out of pity? after all, he knows Ada for long years right? You know about the kiss— he says it was just Ada using his feelings and all that. you did not believe him. not one fucking bit.

since then, your mind has created a whole new scenario that Leon doesn’t love you. you can’t help it. you started isolating yourself, closing yourself in your own world and not speaking to him. any attemps at conversation coming from Leon were futile. you just couldn’t find it in yourself to speak. why would he want to speak with you anyway? he has Ada, right? she’s so much better.

but, Leon was going insane. losing his damn mind over this. he knew something was going on. why won’t you talk to him? what’s going on— why are you so damn quiet? pushing him away? he feels so confused, but also so stressed out over this. what happened? what did he do wrong?

he tried talking to you, but you just.. won’t budge. and he feels so damn horrible. he just wants to wrap you in his arms and comfort you.

“Please, just speak to me. Baby? Please, I beg you. I love you, you know that, right?”

you hear his words, but you don’t respond. why can’t he just go away? obviously he’s lying.

but he just gets so damn frustrated. he’s growing fucking desperate. your doors are locked— not letting him in. but he won’t let you isolate yourself any further. he literally breaks down the door to reach you, finding you laying down on the bed.

he kneels down beside your bed, reaching out to take your hand in his. when you don’t reach back, he frowns, but doesn’t push any further. instead, he lets you have your own space.

“What’s going on? Please, talk to me. No matter how silly you think it is.” he’s genuine when saying this. he genuinely cares about you so damn much, wants you to be happy with him.

you hesitate to respond, mumbling out a single “Ada Wong.”

and it was enough to hit him with a damn reality check. you were insecure about Ada. you were always insecure, but surely Ada’s appearance didn’t help. the way he’s looking at you, so sweet and loving, it tells you he understands. he stands up, sitting on the bed to cup your cheeks.

“Oh baby. I’m so sorry. So fucking sorry.” that’s all he says while looking into your eyes to make sure you understand what he’s saying.

“I know what you think. I can see it right in your eyes. But please, don’t think she means anything to me. She’s a part of my past, sure, but she’s just the past. What matters is right now — and right now, you’re mine. I don’t feel anything towards Ada. That feeling left years ago. Please, let me prove it to you.” he says as he presses his lips to your forehead, interlocking your fingers together. you let him in, let him hold you. and he’s so damn happy over this — so desperate to reassure you.

“I missed holding you so much, princess. I love you, and only you. I’m all yours — everything I have, it’s also yours. My body, my heart, my soul belongs to you.” he whispers in your ear, laying down beside you, turning your position a little so you face him while he holds you.

“And I don’t want anyone else. No one. All I see is you. Everyone else just don’t matter to me. You’re all I want.” he’s peppering your face with little kisses, hoping you hear him out. he makes sure you fall asleep that night, in his arms. he’s holding you in his arms through the whole night, not letting go.

“There’s no one better than you. Not even Ada, Jill, Claire— no one. No. One.” he says this firmly, making sure you understand. or at least tries to get it into your head. he’s so hopelessly in love with you, literally could die for you. one could say he’s almost obsessed— in a way, he is. he thinks about you 24/7, even on his missions, when about to sleep, when training.

he falls asleep eventually, once you’re asleep— and when he wakes up, and sees you awake, he’s already all over you.

“Please, don’t leave me. Never leave.” he begs you; you can see how desperate he is. you never see him so open with his feelings. but he just can’t handle the thought of you leaving, he’s so damn terrified about this. looking at you with vulnerable, soft eyes, pleading you to understand. he loves you with his entire heart, and he means it.

“I won’t. I love you, too.”

you say, and that much is enough for him to pull you into a kiss. a deep, loving kiss where pours all his love into. it lasts until both of you are breathless, but even then, he doesn’t want to let go. lets you catch your breath, before pulling you into another kiss. locking your lips with his own, cupping your face. when he pulls away, he looks at you again, with a soft smile on his face.

“Let’s have a lazy day today, okay? I just want to pamper you, show you I love you so much. Just let me take care of you — I want to make sure you won’t ever doubt yourself over Ada again.”

#leon kennedy #leon kennedy x reader #leon kennedy x you #resident evil x you #resident evil x reader

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inkedberries · 2 months ago

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I find that my favourite Yoichi is, despite his helplessness and naiveté, he Wants to learn and is still very much eager to help in whichever way he can. Despite his weak countenance, he will push himself to the point of breaking so as not to be a burden to anyone. Self-sacrificing from the guilt of his relation but with the kindness that feels like mercy from the life, or lack thereof, that he lived. Choosing to love and to be kind over and over again in a world that is of apathy and self-service makes him a fool. But he would choose to be a fool just so he could give his life, however pathetic it is, meaning. To offer even a small spark of light. Of hope. To whom he Knows will need it.

and let's be real now, that kindness was for AFO. To model what his brother Could be. A desperate plea for his brother to pull away from hurting anyone anymore. But AFO took advantage of that kindness instead of learning from it.

now I'm going to make it about Kudoichi bc I really like the idea that it's this outlook that Kudou found so fascinating about Yoichi. Bc in the type of world they're living in, with all that uncertainty, someone like Yoichi would be like a breath of fresh air. I'd think fighting against someone like AFO would make anyone cynical about the outcome of their war. Would make anyone think their situation bleak despite their best efforts. but then there's that hope. That hope that Yoichi cultivated from years in isolation that inspired Kudou. Inspired to be the hero Yoichi oh so affectionately calls him.

I just really love the idea that when they met each other, they've played such a profound part in their lives in the two months they've known each other that it changed the course of that war. And it did. Through OFA. But to them, personally, Yoichi choosing to side Against his brother from his years of being under the heel of his boot because he has finally met an ally he, for the first time, felt safe with. Who shares the same ideals as him. and Kudou finally seeing and hoping for a future where there is peace after their war against AFO just because of Yoichi being who he is. Yoichi being, merely existing, changed Kudou.

I dunno I just really think they're neat.

#boku no hero academia #my hero academia #mha kudou #yoichi shigaraki #kudoichi #bean talks #mha #bnha #I'm so emotional about them #I really am so very emotional #They're IN LOVE I cannot UNSEE IT #long post #I didn't mean for it to be this long

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transmascposi · 6 months ago

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I feel really isolated because I hardly see any trans masculine positivity posts,,,, The only posts I see,, that are even shared by my own friends,,, are those that are complaining about trans mascs and how we're evil, ugly, and ruining the trans community,,,, I don't know what I did wrong besides simply exist as a trans masculine person,,, I still face misogyny and now I'm facing transphobia from my own friends,,, I even had to block somebody who said 'I have never found trans males to be sexually attractive' and instead of people telling them that's transphobic everyone was agreeing with them,,, I don't know where to turn anymore because everyone hates trans men so badly,,,, plus it's interesting that ppl will say how much they hate trans men but then fetishize our bodies,,,

I feel you. It's so lonely and difficult sometimes. It can feel like the whole world hates you. But I promise it's not like that. There's a lot of people who love us, really.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. You didn't do anything wrong. And even if you did, it wouldn't justify this treatment. You are valid and amazing and you bring so much beauty to the world and to the queer community. I had to cut off a few internet friends who hated on trans men and I don't regret it one bit. If they hate trans masculine people, I suggest cutting these people off. They are not good friends to you.

My advice is to try to spend less time online. The hate is much more concentrated here, and it's much more openly vicious. We certainly do have bad things happening to us in real life, but from my experience at least, the hate online is on another level. There are encounters that we can't really prevent in real life, but you can control the majority of your interactions online. I suggest avoiding the hate as much as you can, even if it means not spending time on your favorite platform. It can seem like I'm stating the obvious and I probably am, but at the same time, when I struggled a lot with online hate on trans mascs, I would keep spending time in trans masc spaces on tumblr that are full of this hate. I think we have the tendency to dwell in the hate, for whatever reason. To reblog it to argue with it, to keep repeating the same points to people who don't care about the truth, to try to counter the lie that trans mascs have it easy by witnessing the hate as a getcha. I'm not saying that you do this necessarily, but I definitely did it.

My second advice is to go out and meet people who understand and support you. A wonderful way to do that is activism. If you can, join your local trans activist group! You don't have to have inspiring speeches on big podiums and argue with people. You can help with small practical tasks — those people are very much needed and appreciated! Or you can find your local queer events and go there. It can be intimidating at first, especially if you go alone, but there's always someone a little bit lost at these events. People get it. Again, it definitely can be very difficult, but try to talk to some trans people there. Or anyone, really. You will find out that there's a lot of people who support and get us. And people who might not fully understand yet, but they want to try and they want to help. Even these imperfect encounters will warm your heart enough to forget a little about all the hate, even just for a moment. And being in activist circles and hearing people say your exact thoughts out loud — oh man it's SO satisfying. These people don't even have to be your friends. I'm trying to be an activist and there are people who I have fun with and who give me a sense of community — yet I don't meet them outside of activism stuff because I know we aren't a good match to be friends. And yet, their existence in my life brings me a lot of warmth. Building community is the key, really.

I wish you the best of luck and strength and I hope you will feel better soon.

#answered #anon #transmasc positivity #trans man positivity #trans men positivity #trans masc positivity #posi #trans men #trans masc #trans man

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jolalibrary · 3 months ago

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i wasn’t sure if I wanted to say something or not. but, I saw the post that @moonlitbirdie did here with the addition from @tonysopranosrobe and I guess it inspired me to be a little braver with my honesty.

because at the end of the day, this is my blog? it’s my thing I’ve taken and nurtured, and watered and made my own.

so lemme start with I’m aware it is humanly impossible to be everyone’s cup of tea, and I do not expect to be. but before the last week or so, I’d naively thought that if I wasn’t, those people would bow out politely from my life/space.

but that blog showed me that isn’t the case, and that sucked.

there are far more adjectives and words I’d love to say to describe my feelings on that blog and that situation. to describe the hurt and the sadness I’ve felt, not just for the words said about me but about moots, friends and others I see in the community I love being in. but I think I would never stop talking and we all have lives.

so I’ll get to the point of what this is.

normally, I wouldn’t address things publicly, but this time I want to put my foot down, to say a few things.

I might seem more confident in recc’ing myself, but that isn’t because I was faking it before. instead, it’s because I have good people in my life, and good friends who I might not have had before taking the time to let me hold some space in my life. who have reminded me that it’s okay to toot my fucking horn sometimes, and it doesn’t make me a bad person even if it feels bad.

they remind me that it’s okay to celebrate with cake when I finish a series I’ve worked really, really hard on. and those same good people are also ones who politely and virtually slap me when I begin talking shit on myself, who have helped me begin to forge a better relationship with the warring voices in my head—the writer who wishes to write and the girl with no self esteem who wishes to crawl into a ball each time she posts.

next, I know for some, it may have seemed like I was okay. that the normal posting on here was it running off my back like water. but it wasn’t. it was hard to come into a space where it felt like people hated me, and where people would send in asks about other people I’m friends with or care for or know. because even if it’s only a few asks, it feels like more, because I don’t know who is screenshotting and agreeing with it. and once you begin tumbling down that thought-cliff there’s no stopping you.

again, I’m aware I’m not perfect. i make mistakes, I try to learn from them, and I do not expect to be everyone’s fave person. but anon hate is not a thing I’d wish even on the people I personally dislike, and I’ve had it on and off pre that blog appearing. I’ve deleted and deleted, blocked and reported, and then that blog came and then it was out there, and I could do nothing. I just had to stare and read it, had to hope that people knew who I was.

and look, I say none of this for sympathy, but more an acknowledgment that not everything that stands past the ground shaking is stable. that people don’t always know or feel able to ask or share that they’re hurting. and then it’s isolating, it’s dark and it’s fucking lonely.

which is what leads me to my final thing, which is thank you. thank you to every single person who has reached out to check if I’m okay, to offer the option of a vent or a thot, and the ones that have even just sent love hearts. and also thank you to those who have thought about sending something to me or instead disputed or reported that blog.

I know on the post above by birdee and commented on by han mentions about checking in with people, and I just want to echo that point so loud. if you’re unsure what to do it this happens again (maybe not even now - god I hope - or in this fandom, but in the future) from someone who was mentioned, it’s check in.

similar to han (you worded it perfectly and I’m going to butcher it) it validated how shitty I was feeling, it allowed me to feel okay taking space to be mad and to be sad, because someone else was agreeing it was wrong. those things seem easy on the surface until your North Star has gone, until your upside down and topsy turvy. and if you’re reading this and thinking “bit fucking dramatic jo” then I ask you to kindly unfollow me, no hard feelings, or anything.

because in my eyes, anyone would feel a little disconcerted when their hobby doesn’t feel safe or provide the same comfort it did. when your hobby is the thing you look forward to, and then you can’t enjoy it because there’s a thousand thoughts running around and it feels so anxiety provoking. and yeah, I know there will be people who will go “it’s just tumblr” but I’ve been here a while, this isn’t my first rodeo here, and I just never wish for anyone else to feel like this. ever. no one deserves the hobby they love to be tarnished by shadows that shout and spew things, that you can’t fight back against, because you don’t know who they are.

but kind voices eventually break through and smother the unkind ones. they do. they have.

and I know for me, those check ins and messages brought me comfort when I needed it. they helped.

so if you’re unsure what to do, take comfort that a little love does help. it isn’t magic, it doesn’t fix it all, but it does make a difference, and that matters too.

#jo’s thoughts #tw discourse

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jewishvitya · 7 months ago

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I posted this with my art but I'm putting it on its own.

Things I imagine in YOI pre-canon. These are personal headcanons and interpretations.

With Viktor, I imagine his family being high achieving, and Viktor having a lot of expectations on him. And he matches then successfully. But this means his parents think he's doing well, even in moments where emotionally he isn't. They look at achievements rather than looking at him. It's not intentional neglect, they just don't have the awareness of mental wellbeing. He has a bed and food and he's doing well in school and skating, so everything must be okay. It's fine when he's fine, it's lonely when he's not. And it's the first environment that teaches him to match himself to what's expected and wanted of him, fulfilling a role rather than just being.

When he's older, he quietly creates distance. Not cutting them off, but not reaching out. They don't mind. They follow news, and they can show off his success.

When he's young, Viktor loves having fans and being known and admired. Af first he doesn't see downsides to it. And then something happens, as simple as "did you see him throwing the flower at Christophe Giacometti? He was flirting, how cute" - and Viktor realizes his fans will draw their own conclusions and won't believe him if he tries to say they're wrong.

So he starts adjusting his approach. Building a persona, and building walls. Charming smiles that get him anything he wants. Practicing the skill of giving people what they expect. Being what they expect. And then flipping it on its head and surprising them.

If you're focusing on matching and subverting expectations, you're not necessarily being yourself. Any personal exploration of identity is hidden and alone. But on the ice, when he's performing, he can be honest. He can be seen. Because they're going to take it as fake. Think of how Minako reacted to Stammi Vicino - Viktor's earnest plea for someone to stay by his side, well, he's too charming for this to tug at the heartstrings. So he can play with stories that he won't share with anyone any other way, and he knows they'll take it as pretend.

The walls he builds don't allow him to be truly close to people. He has good relationships with other skaters, but emotionally keeps them at arm's length. He doesn't notice he's isolating. Chris and he have fun joke-flirting, but when Viktor steps away from the ice Chris doesn't seem to realize he needs this, isn't close enough to know what he's struggling with. He talks like Viktor is taking away the motivation he's entitled to by choosing to coach Yuuri. His rinkmates see him on good and bad days so they know when he struggles, and Yakov is the only person close to knowing him deeply, but even he doesn't take it seriously when Viktor burns out, so that is still limited.

For Yuri, I think his mother was going through a lot to let his grandfather take care of him. He has a lot of responsibility in that setting, and it all starts when he's so young.

I think, with Viktor being present in his life consistently from such a young age, Viktor is one of the people he sees as family. He absolutely looks up to him, just like he absolutely looks up to Yuuri. And I think he resents the emotional distance Viktor maintains.

He's not very attentive to people in general, but he's the one that explains to us how Viktor feels early in the show. When Viktor left to Japan so suddenly, I think Yura felt abandoned beyond just Viktor forgetting to choreograph a program for him. If it was just the program - he did end up getting Agape, he could have just asked for that, but he tried to get Viktor to go back. I feel like he hates that Viktor went to look for a way to get his spark back somewhere else, instead of staying and finding a way out of his slump with his rinkmates. If what Viktor needs is to coach someone, why isn't Yuri good enough? He's a talented skater and he sees himself as continuing Viktor's legacy, but Viktor chose someone else for that role.

And Viktor did choose Yuuri to continue his legacy. Because Yuuri skates so beautifully, because Yuuri has so much love for Viktor's skating, because Yuuri has drive and ambition and pride and skill and he finds joy in skating, and Viktor wants to nurture all of that into the performance Yuuri deserves to show.

And along the way, he learns how to connect with people as himself. His relationships with Yuuri and Yuuri's family open doors for him to better and deeper relationships with Yuri and Chris and anyone else he wants to be close to.

About Yuuri, there's very little I can say because we know so much. So I'll just share a lighthearted headcanon a few friends and I came up with as a story idea and I just adopted.

I don't share the fanon that Phichit got him into pole dancing. In my mind, he either started himself, or it was Chris - unintentionally. I think they're friends, because of how Yuuri reacted to him in the show, like he's used to him. And I like to think Chris kept saying things that made Yuuri feel competitive. Talking about how it's great for core strength, "but it's probably not your thing." Sent pictures of himself performing difficult moves, and got pictures back because Yuuri was trying to match him or do more difficult things than him. And meanwhile Chris thinks they're showing off to each other for fun. It's how Chris knew Yuuri can keep up with him at the banquet.

#riki babbles #yoi #yoi thoughts

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rifualk · 7 months ago

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On Mental Health and Cosmic Embarrassment

I don't usually make a post in the aftermath of one of my spirals, so I bet most people see some of the vent posts I make, and assume I am just off my meds or something. I am on them but I might not be on the right ones. This is a thing that happens to me sometimes. I have psychotic episodes, where it feels like the things I am saying are completely inconsequential and I genuinely believe no one cares what I'm saying or, worst of all, that it cannot scare anyone that cares about me. I get too tired to fight my intrusive thoughts and I just ride them out. Most of my thoughts are not ones I enjoy having. I have trouble parsing what is real sometimes. For most of my life, out of a kind of primal shame and terror of being perceived or judged, I beat myself into believing that I just roleplayed as a crazy person online because I wanted attention for it, but it finally clicked for me at some point in my 20s that I was, and am, genuinely very mentally ill, maybe in ways that make me not-entirely-functional in the culture I inhabit. Also, I want attention for it.

Life is very embarrassing. I think embarrassment, shame, et al. is probably the most cosmic feeling of them all, because being embarrassed, for me anyway, leads invariably to my OCD extrapolating the embarrassment, no matter how slight, into its natural extreme, becoming a full-blown existential meltdown and often manifesting in some self-punishment. Or a lot of self-punishment. Instead of saying "everyone wants attention, it's not a big deal", my brain will overwhelm me with shame and make me vow to be quieter about the whole thing next time. Good emotions are meant to be expressed, I tell myself, and Bad ones are not. I think it's very unhealthy for people to not express their negative emotions openly. Or maybe I'm psychotic. I mean, I am psychotic. But maybe right now, too.

Ultimately this feeling peaks with the realization - again - that I'm a eukaryote. I live on a spinning ball of stardust in the aftermath of what had to have been a colossal disaster and waste of time. But it happened, and so now there's a bunch of stuff floating around, and some of that stuff started moving for reasons I don't personally understand and the implications of which scare me. And the moving stuff that moved faster got to stay moving longer. And so a chain reaction escalated, and eventually there were very large moving things whose survival adaptations had evolved in such a way that they could conceptualize and communicate complex information about the world around them, but they were also able to conceptualize themselves. This gave them a lot of grief. They wanted very badly for there to be an answer to why they were able to do that. Surely it served some purpose. But we never found one, and here we are.

I don't have a god to turn to. I have tried - earnestly, sincerely, and desperately - to reach out; I never hear back. I don't want to be an atheist, it's heartbreaking. Honestly. I want someone to be up there, or out there. Knowing there isn't, is just... cruel. It's horrifying and it wrenches my heart. Look at us, look how much we're suffering, where the fuck did you go, what the fuck is your problem? Help us!

In spite of everything, I am still not sure what I believe.

Don't you ever just cry about the world? Like, broadly? Don't you ever just have to take off your glasses and wipe the brine from them because you caught a glimpse of what people, as a species, could be capable of? And I get angry at myself, too. What am I doing about it? What even can I do? I can barely hold down a job. I am barely an adult. I am often mired in this feeling. It permeates everything. I'm living in a tragedy - not just my own, but millions and millions of others'. This is a nightmare. It's a nightmare and I'm an embarrassment, and my brain doesn't work right, and I'm living in a terrible reality that is shared by everyone, and yet somehow equally isolating and alienating to all of us. Does it have to be that way? Aren't we all lonely?

When I am spiraling I really do think that the end is near, either for me, or for everyone, or for both. To be fair, my confidence about humanity's future is not promising even when I am at my most sane. But in this kind of emotional place, the stakes are too high for me to care that what I say might come off as upsetting. It is completely overwhelming. I see my life up to this point, and I see how long I've been alive and realize I'm very Not Normal and I look and sound different than everyone around me and I'm an embarrassment. It's embarrassing to exist. It's embarrassing to be transgender, too. It's really, really embarrassing to be mentally ill and fully aware of it all the time. It's shameful. I am ashamed of how my family likely sees me. How my peers see me. I'm just a walking disaster. I feel like this bars me from leading a happy life or finding some success in art - It doesn't seem like you're allowed to be quite this much of a problem and "get away with it", does it? There's a bit of social sanitizing at work there - you are only allowed to be a certain level of messed up and if you pass that you're sort of a pariah. I don't think I've ever done anything pariah-worthy, but I can only see things from the inside of my own head, and there's a lot of unwanted noise in here.

I painted this when I lived in Oregon. I don't know how. I could not do art like this again if asked.

I'm not in a good place, generally-speaking. It could be worse - and it was for a long time- but it's still just not great. The main reason is that I am very homesick. I grew attached to the Pacific Northwest in a way I've never really grown attached to any other place. It had a quality that exists nowhere else. It resonated with me immediately and I knew right away from the moment I first set foot there that it was my home. I grew to be a part of it, and it's the only place I felt I somewhat-belonged... I have been away from Oregon for 2 whole years as of next month. I feel like I'm a fish out of water, or a sapling in the wrong soil. I can't and won't say that the place I live currently is a bad place, but it isn't my place, and the disconnect has been maybe the nastiest shock to my system in all my life. Finding the place I loved, and living for over 12 years there, only to be wrenched away from it so suddenly, left a shock on me that I think has yet to surface in my work. I'm excited to see what form it takes when it does. Location is very important to my mental wellbeing, more than I think it is for most people. Maybe I am a plant. It's also very important for my art. I've struggled to find inspiration since I moved here. That said, I've had the very precious opportunity to just work on myself - on my transition, as well as my personal issues. I think I'm getting better, gradually, in some way. I have a job now, at least. So it's not entirely bad. I even grew sunflowers last summer.

Around this time I got banned from twitter, but I don't feel any shame about the reason why because I believe in my message. But it forced me to be a lot less active online for a long time. It also made me lose a lot of support. That's been something I've grappled with a lot these last 2 years - that people really don't like people like me, for reasons that are mostly not our fault. I will likely always be something of an outsider for being who I am now, but I was one before anyway. It's still worth it. I like the person I'm becoming. I feel like only recently did I allow myself to feel this self-love. I was too embarrassed of myself. It took a lot of patience and a lot of de-tangling my self-worth from a lot of trauma. So it's likely I would have needed to go through all of this regardless of where I was.

I still slip up. It's an uphill climb and it's slippery. I like to be transparent about these things. It's a relief - feeling like I need to hide things is my default state and it's lovely to just let go of stuff so I don't need to keep it in my head all the time. I have a lot of hangups still. I get discouraged about my art still - I fear I'll never build myself back up to where I was before, and that there will never be a time when I can really pay the bills with it. Or worse-still, that it just isn't special enough to last. That it isn't remarkable enough to survive after I'm gone. But I think a lot of people who make stuff feel that way, and it's not our fault. There's some relief in that. I'm happy to have even a few people that care about me and my work, and something I've been trying really hard to remember in recent years is to take time to appreciate them. I'm not actually alone. I have a lot of people that love me. I'm not an outsider. I'm very lucky to know the people I do, and I hold a deep regret for all the connections I've let go of because I was just too sick. Deep down I really do wish I could love everyone. I have no ill will towards anyone, not really.

I still don't know what I'm doing. I am just doing my best, I think. I'm really, really tired. I don't want to get any older. I'm scared of the passage of time. My memory is so bad, it feels like time is taken from me without me realizing. I am 33 years old. I do not have 33 years worth of memories. There are huge leaps. Gaps where suddenly I was just older and in more pain. Being adrift in time like this is horrific - one day I will blink, and the present moment may be completely forgotten. It can't go this fast. It just can't. Something has to be wrong. I don't want to die, I don't want to miss out on so much life or be unable to remember it. I don't want to find myself on my deathbed someday way sooner than I think and be unable to string together any kind of coherent thread from my memories. What is it all for? It has to mean something right? Why am I doing anything?

I think I finally understand that love is why. I don't know much more than that. Love is real, and it's the answer. If you find love, don't take it for granted, ever. No love is perfect. Take it with all its flaws. You don't have time to bargain with it. Love like you'll never love again, love like it's your last day alive, love like it will keep you alive forever, because it will. Every year closer to death you get, you will feel the regret of all the times you did not follow your heart. Life is short. I'm finding this out entirely too late. It goes by so fast, and what you have at the end are people and memories of being loved. To be loved is to live forever. It's the thing that connects us to everything else. It's the source and the answer to everything. It makes more sense the older I get. It used to sound cheesy, but I believe it with more sincerity every day.

youtube

I'll be okay, okay

I once promised someone that I would stop self-harming. They are no longer in my life, but I kept the promise anyway. There are no new scars on my arms, or bruises on my head or face. I'm keeping this promise for myself, now.

#mental health posting #is there a better tag for that #edited 20240506 #Youtube

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schumachersricciardo · 2 months ago

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Shiver

Chapter Seven - La Douleur Exquise

the exquisite pain of the feeling of wanting someone that you know you can never have, and knowing that you still want to be with them.

♡ Mick Schumacher x Reader, Best friend!Danny Ricc x reader

♡ TW: Swearing, inaccurate timeline of F1/F2/F3, badly translated German using Google, alcohol consumption, talking about being drunk, uhhhh there are really none in this chapter?? none really glaring ones at least. angst, self doubt, anxiety, etc. not proofread

♡ She/Her pronouns are used, nothing descriptive about reader except that her hair is long enough to pull back into a ponytail or braid, no reader insert, timeline skips. ALSO: WARNING!!!! I will barely be mentioning Michael Schumacher. I do not presume to know what he is thinking, or would say in these fictional scenarios. I am trying to be respectful of their privacy and not make any assumptions!!!!!! He will be mentioned here and there, but I do not believe any dialogue will be associated with him. If you do not like that, then do not read it. :)

♡ 4.8k words

♡A/N: After some very intense and long chapters, I just wanted something softer and lighter. Of course, there is still substance, but i really enjoyed this chapter! Sorry it’s late. I’ve been working six days a week and i was just too exhausted yesterday. * Posted on mobile, will format on my laptop later

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There were few times in your life that you could remember that you were truly at peace with yourself and your surroundings. It seldom came with your own home life, but instead with your lifelong friend. Your memories were all askew and your thoughts could hardly keep up to the present, but there was a certain familiarity to the person who took you in, and vowed to protect you.

In fact, that person had always been there for you. From the first time you showed up to their house with a black eye, to the last time they saw you beaten and broken so much so that the only thing you could do was shelter in the safety of their own mind. And even then, you were brutalized by the sport you dedicated your life to. In such a manner, that you were forgetful of all the things you accomplished and could accomplish on your own. You were reliant on one person, and that one person’s memories of you. Yet, every morning since as you woke, you pondered the thought of thinking the same things too. They were kind, gentle, and patient with you. They were all of the things you were not, nonetheless fitting seamlessly with your spirit and fortitude.

Still, in the silence of the home you didn’t know, you awaited their arrival like a shark waiting to stake its claim.

It wasn’t a lie though. You were tired. You were exhausted. These last few days absolutely drained you and made you feel like even less than half of the person you were before you had left the hospital. You had to have help just making a stupid sandwich if you were hungry. It was humiliating. But still, when you heard the keys jingle in its lock and the familiar voice calling out to you only the name they reserved for you, you felt immediately calm and ready to be in their care. Yet, in the stillness of isolation and the solace you could have easily found, you wound up in the most (un)likely of places.

Mick opened the front door eagerly awaiting the respite of his bed. Tired from all the press, fittings, and training he had to accomplish before his next race, all he wanted to do was have a snack and flop on his bed and take a nap (Or a very long awaited sleep). The blue eyed boy you had so little recent memory of, but so full adoration for made his way around the living space growing increasingly worrisome as he called out for you.

“Smidge?”

“Smidge, I am home!”

“Schätzen?”

First, he checked the usual places you could’ve gone on crutches. And then, he wondered to himself if you were more mobile than he might have thought with just a boot on your leg now. Having made sure you weren’t in the shared living space or your own bedroom, the Mercedes driver began to panic.

As burnt out as he was, he dashed outside to see if you were in the pool house and maybe were too tired to walk back, but no such luck happened for him. His next attempt landed him caught in den. He knew you liked to cuddle up in there and watch TV, but you were nowhere to be found. Pulling out his phone, he began to dial the security detail he had hired to be there for you around the clock. The Swiss-German driver had one more idea though. Tiptoeing, he creeped to the room he had been staying in, the door being ajar making it seem as though someone had been in there. He knew for a fact he had shut it close before he had left this morning. Pushing the door ever so quietly, Mick stumbled upon one of the greatest sights he had ever seen.

You were tangled up in his sheets with one of his shirts hanging off your body loosely, as you held one of the pillows close to your body. Mick couldn’t help but relish in the view in front of him. He didn’t even care that you didn’t have your boot on, and he very much cared about that. But, as he watched your shoulders rise and fall with a calming rhythm, he realized that he’d either have to wake you to move you, or climb in bed with you. He secretly hoped that the sound of his shower going would stir you enough, but after about 15 minutes of him rinsing off the day, you were still dead asleep in the same position. His bright blue eyes searched you and the bed up and down for a reasonable and not creepy way for him to climb into bed with you, as he dawned a white t shirt and blue pajama pants.

Mick just hummed confusedly as he debated leaving you where you slept and sleeping in your room or on the couch, or biting the bullet and sleeping in his bed with you by his side. Letting out a deep breath, he ran a hand through his blond hair and decided to slip into the bed with you.

You whined happily in your sleep when you felt the extra warmth join you. Mick lay frozen where he lay though, trying not to disturb the much needed sleep you needed. You eventually began to scoot backwards, your backside against his torso. Overcome with tiredness, Mick turned and was behind you now. Lazily, he threw an arm around your waist and pulled you as close as he could to his body. Soon thereafter, the two of you drifted off into what maybe was the best sleep of your life.

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You awoke with confusion in the middle of the night as you inhaled the scent someone who wasn’t yourself. Turning your head, you saw that the boy who had rescued you lay peacefully on his back as he lightly snored to the rhythm of his heart beating. You tried your best to get up without disturbing him - but to no avail, the next thing you could hear was incoherent German babbling and something about staying there.

“I need to go back to my own room.” You pleaded as you tried to pry him off of you.

“But why? You are comfortable here.”

You sat up and sighed, looking around at the unfamiliar place.

“I shouldn’t have come, this is your room…” You managed to mumble.

The boy who you sort of knew, but didn’t really know lay in front of you - his tired blue eyes searching for any kind of sign of life. And as his eyes searched and searched for some kind of indicator that you were still there, you reached out and stroked his cheek. The two of you lay on your sides, face to face on his bed while you caressed his cheek. Mick couldn’t help but lean into the welcomed touch as your fingers ventured the rest of his face for answers.

“Why are you in here, Schätzen?”

He didn’t sound accusatory, no, but he did sound throughly confused.

Since moving into the house he rented for the two of you a few days ago, he made it clear that he had his own room and that you had yours. He didn’t want to you feel pressured or scared to be by yourself. And despite all of the nights before the accident that you two did share a bed, he knew that you needed your own space to learn and to recover.

“My room doesn’t smell like yours.” You further nuzzled your face into the pillow beneath you as his fingers snaked around your waist to find yours.

“And what does my room smell like?”

You happily sighed, the wave of sleepiness yet again coming over you as you squeezed his hand tightly. Sure, you two may be cuddling but those are just semantics.

“Home.”

The next morning you awoke to an empty bed, the sheets and blankets that were previously tangled around Mick’s body now covered you completely. Sitting up, you find a piece of paper on his pillow addressed to you.

Smidge,

I had to go out to train again before tomorrow’s FP. Relax, sleep, and rest in here as long as you would like. I will be back in the afternoon.

Love,

Mick

PS - Please put the boot back on your leg. Otherwise, I will have to start carrying you everywhere because you will have a bum leg… Or maybe do not put the boot on, now? I quite like the idea of carrying you everywhere…

You smiled softly at the note as you got up and out of bed. Slipping your boot back on, you slowly made your way to the kitchen. The house was littered with photos of you and Mick. From childhood to what you guessed was more recently, memories scattered throughout your new home were a nice reminder that someone did in fact care for you the way you always longed for. And of course, there were other pictures too. You assumed the pictures of you that you didn’t recognize were more current, and that they were of other drivers. Mick had slowly been reminding you of your career before the crash, but to no avail you couldn’t recollect anyone’s face.

After getting a snack, you moved to the den where there was a cozy couch and big blankets. Taking your boot off, you hopped onto the couch and got comfortable. Mick knew you so well that he knew that you’d be in there most of the day. So much so that he had your favorites already in there, and your two notebooks there as well.

The blue notebook was meant to be for things you maybe suddenly remembered, whether that be a smell, a memory, or really anything. And then the purple notebook was meant to be for recall. Mick filled it out with more pictures and things you have been interested in the past. The mental image of Mick staying up late and working hard at making this notebook (which was more of a scrapbook, but for some reason he bought a notebook and not a scrapbook) for you filled your stomach with butterflies.

Grabbing the TV remote, you found some random show to play in the background while you decided which notebook to go with today. As you were scooting further into the couch, you suddenly felt something poking you in your back. Moving slightly, you reached behind you to find an even tinier notebook like journal stuck in between the cushions. It didn’t look at all familiar to you, the leather bound cover worn and cracked at its spine, yet loved ever so apparent by the filled out pages.

Curiosity got the best of you though, as you gently opened the tiny booklet. Mick’s chicken scratch he calls his handwriting littered the pages in a nonsensical manner. Yet, there was one thing that stood out to you.

Your name.

Your name was written everywhere; sometimes messily and sometimes with the fondness only a lover could have for their partner. He was writing down every little thing about you since you had woken up from your coma. He was jotting down when you’d typically fall asleep and wake up, how much medicine to give you, and what interesting things you might’ve said that day.

Mick Schumacher was making sure he didn’t miss a thing when it came to you and your recovery.

You closed the booklet and put it back where you found it, unable to focus on the TV now. You put your boot back on and wobbled out and into your own bedroom. You sighed at the room, the bed made neatly still. It was a simple bedroom with only a few pictures on a bookshelf. It had a desk and presumably your laptop or one that was on loan for you to use. Even if you were to use it, you wouldn’t even know where to begin. You didn’t know how long you were standing in the doorway either, because the sound of the Mick’s truck pulling into the driveway pulled you out of your own head. As quickly as you could, you hurried over to his room, trying your best to make his bed before he came back into the house. You had totally forgotten to do that and you knew that he was a stickler for it.

“Smidge! I am home, finally!” Mick’s sing-songy voice echoed through the home.

“Welcome back!” You yelled back while you were still trying to tuck in his sheets under the mattress. Making a bed was very difficult with a boot on one of your legs.

Surely, you were huffing and puffing, out of breath and out of shape as you did your best to finish it time. You must’ve been distracted by the uneven corners that your hearing went and died.

“You know, you do not have to make the bed up for me.” Mick cleared his throat, a soft chuckle escaping his lips.

Your eyes slowly gazed up and met his amused face as you stood to your feet. With a nervous laugh, you scratched the back of your neck and breathed out.

“I wasn’t doing it for you. I was doing it for me.”

“Ah, yes… Because you are such a big fan of making up the bed?”

You rolled your eyes trying not to show him how much of an effect he had on you. Sighing with defeat, you walked over to him in the doorway and waited for the next thing.

“How was your day, Schätzen?” Mick’s face was pointed downwards at you, his blond hair messier than usual. He looked exhausted.

“It was fine, I didn’t do much. How was your, uh, thingy?” The two of you strode out to the shared living space - Mick offering his arm for more support.

“My thingy was good, but very tiring. I am ready to wind down and relax for the night.” He helped you onto the couch, taking your boot off and propping your leg back on some pillows. “Ich habe dich heute vermisst (I missed you today).”

“Well, you know where to find me these days.” Mick sat beside you trying to gauge your emotions. Even for him, sometimes you were hard to read.

“I know it is difficult being cooped up in here. I am sorry for that, Schätzen.” His tone was honest, his voice slightly hoarse probably from the day he had. All you could do was shrug in response.

Minutes of silence between the two of you wasted away as you stared blankly at the wall in front of you, Mick staring at the ceiling himself.

“Can you tell me a story?” You finally interjected. Mick turned his head towards you and lifted an eyebrow.

“A story? What kind of story?” Turning your head to meet his gaze, your eyes flickered up and down taking in as much detail as you could about his face.

“A story about us, or about that driving thing you said I did. I don’t know, just maybe thought it would help.” The boy’s mouth upturned into a large grin as he straightened his posture in excitement. Licking his lips, he ran a hand through his hair and gave you one last look. You tilted your head to the side in great anticipation.

“When we scored our first podium together, that night after celebrating with everyone… I was having trouble finding you at the end of the evening. You always have a tendency to run off when the crowd gets too overwhelming.” Mick hummed in interim as he fiddled with the hem of his white Mercedes shirt.

“That sounds like me. I’ve always hated big crowds.” You glanced down and noticed him fidgeting. Unconsciously, you grabbed his hand and interlocked it with your own. Giving it a small squeeze, you smiled and gestured for him to continue.

“Well, I guess I started to panic - Maybe it was the alcohol as well, but I was searching and searching for you. I even was tempted to bust into the women’s washroom and look for you.” Mick’s cheeks flushed to a faint pink as he recalled the memory. He truly was going to go insane that evening. “Daniel had to stop me from tearing the building apart that night.”

“And did end up finding me?” Mick brought the hand that was holding yours up to his mouth, placing a chaste kiss to your knuckle. His lips still lingering on the soft skin where your fingers bend, he mumbled into your hand the words you always will want to hear, even if you couldn’t believe them.

“In jedem Leben werde ich dich immer finden (In every lifetime, I will always find you).”

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

flashback

The music was blaring and shaking the club where you stood to celebrate your first podium. The crowd was also flying high with excitement because their own Monegasque had secured the first place win in his hometown. It was a thrilling day for everyone and the thrills didn’t stop there, as you were deep into the night continuing to make memories of already great day. But soon, the urge to escape to find some air and to not be swarmed by loads of people filled your lungs. You looked around for the nearest exit and downed your last shot of tequila, before making your way to the exit. You were definitely tipsy. You could feel it in the way you were stepping, but you did your best to make it to the door. Escaping to the alley, the cool night air gave you a sense of calm and serenity you hadn’t felt since you got to the club. All you wanted to do was go back to your hotel room.

This was different from the last time you were Monaco with Mick Schumacher. You were just visiting him while he drove for F2. But this time, you both were winners and you both had reason to celebrate a magnificent race. You were also older, you both were. The relationship between you now was evolving now that you were teammates, too. They was a level of professionalism that had to be evident everywhere the two of you went now. And of course while the two of you are both driver’s for Mercedes and both are trying to score points for your team, it was a bleak reminder every Sunday that you two in fact were racing against each other. That wasn’t to say that at the end of the day you two would hate each other, but now there was more tension in your professional life, that was seemingly seeping into your personal life.

You pulled out your phone and tried to stare at the screen long enough for the letters to stop floating. Maybe the last shot of tequila was a bad idea. Nevertheless, you attempted to call someone to come pick you up and take you back to your hotel. You would’ve called Mick, but if the two of you were seen leaving the club together and then going to your hotel room… That could mean very bad rumors and terrible press to follow. You sighed, weighing your options in your tipsy-probably now drunken stupor.

“What’re y’doin out here by yourself?” Your eyes widened in fear as your fingers hovered over your phone screen. You didn’t want to look up, but you knew exactly whose voice that was.

“I’m…. Uh, just getting some air, that’s all.” Your eyes remained focused on your phone.

“Out here? In the cold?” You knew the was a losing battle, so with that you looked up with your guilt ridden face to meet the confused Australian. “Mick’s absolutely losing his shit looking for you, ya know?”

“I can imagine, but he’s a big boy. He can handle it.” Daniel let out a scoff, followed by roll of his big brown eyes.

“Yeah, I don’t think ‘handling it,’ and ‘you,’ go very well together for Mick.” The two of you were leaned up against a dirty wall, Daniel lending his jacket to you. “He turns into like, a lovesick puppy when it comes to you.”

You only hummed in response. Daniel was definitely thinking that the two of you spend way too much time together. Taking his phone out of his pocket, he swiped to answer the incoming call.

“Yeah, mate. I found her, don’t worry. She’s fine,” You could hear Mick’s voice go from 60-0 in seconds once Daniel relayed the message. “She just wanted some fresh air, so we’re - No, you don’t have to come out here… I promise she’s fine…. Yes. Yes. I know, Schu. Okay, fine.” Daniel handed the phone to you with a deadpan look.

Popping your lips to make small bubbling noises, you finally worked up the courage to speak to Mick.

“Hi, Mickey.”

“Are you crazy? Going outside by yourself? Why did you not come find me? I would love to go outside with you! Outside with you is the best place to be, Schätzen. Not inside by myself. Are you insane?” You could tell he was very intoxicated. He was slurring a bit, but what definitely confirmed it was he was a lot more chatty than usual.

“Mickey, I’m fine. I just wanted some fresh air. It’s okay.”

“It is not okay! You could have gotten killed!”

You could see the Aussie looking down at his feet, trying to hold in a laugh. Mick was never going to beat the lovesick puppy allegations.

“Mick, calm down. I’m fine. You’re fine. We’re all fine. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

“Was auch immer Sie sagen, Liebling (whatever you say, darling).”

You hung up the phone and handed it back to your friend. Sighing again, you glanced up at the night sky. Closing your eyes, you took in the crisp air and exhaled trying to calm your nerves.

“So why aren’t you a couple? You already love each other, disgustingly so.” You didn’t answer the Aussie. “He’ll wait for you forever, ya know. Don’t you think… That’s… Kind of…”

“Kind of what?” You made eye contact with the other driver, his expression mimicking the gears turning in his head as he searched for the right word.

“Cruel? It seems kind cruel that you keep leading him on, like y’do.” Pressing your lips into a tight line, you shook your head.

“I’ve given Mick an out, plenty of times. I’ve told him that we can’t be together, and that we’re better as friends.” You were frustrated with the situation at hand. What others perceived as cruel, you saw as something normal between you and Mick. He always knew how you felt about him, but he always knew how you felt about relationships too.

“But, he’s just so… In love with you. Fuck, if someone was that in love with me, it would be hard for me not to like… Fall for them either.”

“I never said I didn’t love him, or hadn’t fallen in love with Mick.” You quickly corrected him. His eyes brows moved up his face in surprise, the realization settling in as he slowly nodded his head. “We just can’t be together like that.”

“Why not, though? He knows about your dad, and everything. I don’t see how-“

The pair of you were interrupted by someone else yelling your name. You both turned your heads to find a very, very drunk Mick hanging off of his best friend Esteban. Saved by the bell, you gave Daniel his jacket back and walked over to the other drivers.

“For fuck’s sake, you’d think being German he could handle his Jäger.”

“That sounded dirty.” Daniel replied, bursting out laughing as he helped Esteban with Mick. There was already an Uber on the way so as the four of you waited for it, you could hear Mick ranting in German.

Mick was going on and on about the bar service in his native tongue, while Esteban was presumably cursing his friendship in his own native tongue. The mix of languages alongside various alcohols consumed, probably made for a very interesting sight. Daniel didn’t speak German or French, though. He just stood, awkwardly trying to catch what he could of the conversation. Finally, the car service pulled up and the boys loaded your friend into the back. The French and Australian drivers looked back at you with confusion.

“Not it.”

The two boys in front of you called out simultaneously. You felt like it was your new hobby rolling your eyes at dumb men in front of you. Climbing into the backseat with Mick, you gave the other two shit eating grinning boys a glare that immediately made their smiles fall.

“Did we really think it was going to be anyone else, but me to drag his drunk German ass back to his house? Exactly. Now, go away!” You shooed them playfully as you shut the door.

Mick was humming to himself as he was slumped over against the window. His eyes were shut, but he held a tiny smile on his very pink lips. Sloppily, he reached for you and groaned like a baby when he couldn’t find you. You scooted closer to him in the back of the car, and soon his hand found yours. His big hand was covering yours as the two of you silently rode back to his apartment. Upon reaching the complex, you thanked the driver and exited the vehicle. Mick’s security detail was already there and you were able to hand him off to them. You didn’t want to be seen with him anymore than you already had been. Turning your heel to get back into the vehicle you arrived in, you could hear Mick’s voice calling out for you.

“Smidge! Smidge! Wait… Noooooo, they are going to take me away!!! Nooooo, no thank you!” You were sure in his head he was being a lot more aggressive with his security detail, but to you it just looked like a kitten trying to defend itself against a lion.

Walking back to him, you politely asked the security detail to move away just for a moment. You sat him down on the steps of his apartment building, crouching down to meet his eye level. You so desperately wanted to go inside with him, but knew that even this was going to be too much to handle tomorrow. With a sad smile, you stroked his cheek a few times before standing to your feet. His hand gripped yours when you turned to leave, making it impossible to do so.

“Smidge, please do not leave me tonight.” You could barely him as he whispered.

“I have to. I can’t be seen spending the night at your apartment, Mickey.” He gained groaned very loudly. You tried to shush the inebriated boy. “Mick, I need to go. It’s late, and you need to get some sleep.”

“But-“

Without another word, you released his grip from your fingers and trudged your way over to the car. You hated how it had to be this way, but there was a job to do and before anything else, the two of you were teammates. Teammates who didn’t sleep over at each other’s apartments, and teammates who definitely didn’t love each other. You took one final look back, trying to see if you could break your own heart even further. But as you looked back over your shoulder, you only caught the door of the building closing, and Mick nowhere to be found.

You got into the back of the car and held back your oncoming tears. The driver began to head to your hotel as you pulled out your phone. Your fingers danced nervously over the keys as you debated whether or not you should text him. For better or for worse, you pulled up your guys’ text message thread and began to type.

And if the gods were not cruel enough to you, as you were typing, he sent you a message first… Making it that much more difficult to not fall more in love, and to keep that distance you always held between you. After all, that was the way it was meant to be… It was the way it was supposed to be, anyway.

Mickey 🐭: Text me when you get back to your room so I know that you made it there safely, please. You hold my heart in your hands. I love you, Smidge.

You: I will, Mickey. Get some sleep.

Mickey 🐭: In jedem Leben werde ich dich lieben. Aber in diesem Leben werde ich darauf warten, dass auch du mich liebst (In every lifetime, I will love you. But during this lifetime, I will wait for you to love me too).”

#f1 #formula 1 #formula one #mick schumacher #f1 fanfic #f1 fic #f1 x reader #f1 imagine #shiver fanfic #mick schumacher x reader

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litnerdwrites · 7 months ago

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So, about Morrigan...

We all know that Morrigan's life was spent with others lording power over her, her body and her autonomy. When she tried to regain power and control over her own fate and body by sleeping with Cassian, she wound up tortured and brutalised at the boarder of the Autumn court, while the first person to find her, Eris, left her there. I don't like Morrigan either, but nobody should have to go through something like that, least of all at the hands of their own parents.

However, we see later in ACOFAS, that Mor's father still holds a lot of power over her.

The fact her father still holds this kind of power over her is a problem to her. So what does she do? Instead of working harder to overcome her trauma, talking about it, trying to face her fears, or doing anything else productive, she decides to become just as bad.

Mor lords power over Nesta, knowing Feyre and Cassian would chose their and their court over Nesta in a heart beat. Instead of empowering Feyre by encouraging her to hash things out with Nesta and take the first step to rebuilding that relationship, or telling Cassian not to disrespect Nesta's boundaries (the way males constantly disrespected her own boundaries), Mor decides to go on a power trip, by helping to isolate Nesta.

She constantly insults Nesta at every opportunity, getting off on the power she holds over her, despite the trauma and pain Nesta's gone through. During her first dinner with them, Nesta refuses their (unreasonable) request (felt more like a demand imo) to share her story at the HL meeting, and leaves the room before strangers who, best case scenario, don't give a shit about her, or worst case scenario, despise her, can peer pressure her into it.

It's been insinuated more than once that the IC doesn't know the whole truth about what transpired between Morrigan and Eris. Cassian, in silver flames, called Eris a 'good male' but also a 'coward' trapped by terrible circumstances (which is another topic I'd like to discuss later on), despite knowing what happened to Mor. It's becoming clear that one of them, or both of them, are lying about what happened. Which, personally, I think is fair, to some extent. Mor is under no obligation to share the truth in it's entirety with anybody if she doesn't want to.

(Although letting them believe a selective truth that paints Eris as a villain and letting her family insult him if that's not the case is so fucked up of her to do, and yet so on brand).

However, one would think that, because of this, Morrigan, of all characters, would understand not wanting to talk about your traumas, much less in front of an audience. Especially given the prejudices between humans & fae, Beron's general disposition, and the NC being disliked by most of the other courts, it seems obvious Nesta wouldn't want to talk to them at all, much less share something so deeply traumatising.

Instead, she passes Feyre a bottle of wine, as if she's the one being the most inconvenienced by Nesta's trauma and her response to it. She does the same in ACOSF, deciding that Nesta should be trapped in the CON while taking immense pleasure in the torture Nesta's going through. She even gloats about it to Nesta when coming to see Nesta being humiliated in Illyria.

Mor has suffered immensely, but as I mentioned in my previous post, trauma is an explanation for cruel behaviour, not an excuse. Much like Nesta, while Mor's actions may, to some extent, be explained by trauma, it doesn't excuse them. It should open a door to empathy and understanding.

Perhap's Nesta's human values, being somewhat similar to the values of the CON, may contribute to Mor associating her with her father. Or perhaps she wanted to feel powerful by protecting Feyre from horrible family the way she wished someone had protected her. Perhaps, in taking away Feyre's agency and power over her own forgiveness and relationship with her sisters, Mor was able to feel powerful. It's possible she see's Keir in her, which may be why Mor feels Nesta would 'thrive' in the CON.

Instead of stepping into her own power by facing her abusers, she faces other victims, takes power away from her own friends, and lords it over other victims. She takes power and agency from her friends, and for all she tells Feyre to stay out of the situation between Elain and Lucien, she continually inserts herself into the situation between Nesta and Feyre.

Mor used to hold power over Cassian and Azriel by using Cassian as a buffer between Az and her, knowing they both would do whatever she asked, pretty much. Now, she now lords power over Nesta and actively helps to isolate her, while also flaunting her relationships with Feyre and Cassian in order to hurt Nesta, knowing that Cassian and Feyre would let it happen without a care in the world. (I mean, what else do you call that scene at solstice where Mor and Cassian happily exchanged lingerie in front of her, while Feyre herself didn't even get Nesta a gift, after forcing her to come to solstice against her will).

TLDR: Mor's on a power trip because she unfairly associates Nesta with her father for no reason and uses it as an excuse to be almost as bad as Kier to Nesta. The cycle of abuse at it's finest people.

(Also, does anyone else come to post, intending for it to be short and sweet, only to end up going on a long ass tangent and writing a whole essay? Cause I do that. IDK how to stop though😭)

#anti acosf #anti ic #anti inner circle #anti rhysand #pro nesta #nesta deserves better #nesta acotar #anti amren #anti mor #pro nesta archeron #anti morrigan #Seriously Mor needds to take her own advice and mind her own business.#cycle of abuse through and through

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thefallennightmare · 8 months ago

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Mercy-Four

*gif created by me. feel free to use, simply give credit*

Pairings: Noah Sebastian x Fallen Angel!OC

Warnings: swearing, angst, fluff, smut, mythological talk, violence.

Summary: "Blinded by a fear of feeling, these are the kings we chose. Lost and looking for the meaning, I've been searching high and low" It came crashing down on him. This is the story of the highest banished angel from where she came only to find home in the arms of a mortal man. This mortal realizing he'd face Lucifer himself to keep her.

Lethia: Archangelus Oneironaut also known as Archangel of Dream Walking. Across worlds and dimensions, she walks within. Uncovering dangerous secrets, leaving her cast out, isolated- that is until she begins to learn what it means to feel.

Authors Notes: So I pulled a lot of ideas from my favorite fallen angel romance series, Hush Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick! I hope you all enjoy!

Tags[OPEN]: @thescarlettvvitch @blackveilomens @crimson-calligraphyx @cookiesupplier @lyschko666 @shilohrosechicken @thebadchic @iknownothingpeople @sammyjoeee @malice-ov-mercy @collapsedglasshouses @klutzy-kay24 @iamamatus @lma1986 @bngurngheart @happi-goth

LETHIA

I sat in the middle of Noah’s bed with my knees pulled to my chest and rested my chin on top of them. My mind continued to replay the conversation with Maraxa and her parting words had been etched deep within my soul. I feared that maybe I brought darkness and death to not only Noah but all of his friends' lives. They were innocent bystanders in the battle for my alliance. Stay on this Earth with mortals or fall into the depths of Hell with the light bringer.

Lucifer. He wanted me alongside him to lead his army of darkness. Against what? I wasn’t sure. But the love we shared wasn’t what it used to be and my heart didn't covet for him any longer. Not when there was someone else who seemed to have filtered into this newfound life without warning.

Those almond eyes captivated me from the moment I had Noah pinned against the door. His scent was different from most mortals and for the longest time, I couldn’t figure out why. The way we always seemed to run into each other or that anytime I dream walked, it was his dream.

Why was it Noah’s face I saw moments before my fall?

Why did we have the same tattoo? His on his neck, mine on my ribs?

None of this made any sense and it only angered me more as to why I was stuck here.

As I was staring at the length of my black nails, there was a gentle knock on the door of the bedroom; me humming in response to it. When it opened slightly, Noah poked his head in, the long strands of his hair falling into his face.

“Hey,” his voice was gentle. “I’m just checking to see if you’re settling in fine.”

“Yes,” I nodded. “I’m sorry for having Maraxa show up here. I assure you, it won’t happen again.”

You don’t know that.

Noah leaned against the wall next to the door, crossing his arms over his chest. “It’s alright. Is she an old friend?”

I scoffed while laying my legs straight on the bed to lean my back against the wall.

“She is far from a friend. More like an acquaintance that always wanted my position.”

If he could hear the venom in my voice, Noah said nothing and simply nodded.

“Are you hungry?” He asked instead.

“I’m fine, thank you,” I ran a hand over the black comforter. “I must say, I do feel terrible making you sleep on the couch when your bed is quite comfortable.”

“Seriously?” Noah chuckled while walking farther into the room to sit on the bed next to me. “I’ve had this mattress for years and it's anything but comfortable.”

An eerie silence fell between us, something that made me shift in my spot next to him when the warmth from him radiated around me in flames. I could feel his essence all over my skin while not feeling his actual touch. Bumps rose at the back of my neck when I felt his gaze linger there, lighting me a blaze.

My eyes caught sight of something hanging from above his window so I pointed to it.

“Are you religious? The rosary?”

Noah peered up at the wooden necklace hanging from his curtain rod. “Oh, that. It’s kind of a long story.”

Crossing my legs, I rested my elbow on my thigh to rest my chin in my hand. “And I have time. I’d love to know your view on it.”

With a tender laugh, he nodded before turning toward me so we sat facing each other. “Well, I was raised in a very Christian Baptist household with my grandparents; when I wasn’t staying with my mom. That's another story but it’s not important.”

Immediately I picked up on the way his eyes cast down at his hands at the mention of his mother but made no effort to acknowledge it. Instead, I urged him to continue with a nod.

“I’d go to service with my grandparents and help out in the church any way I could. Painting, setting up for service, things like that. I was exposed to a lot of religion growing even though when I was younger I didn’t buy into it as much. Despite having a lot of questions and doubts about it now, I still think there’s a lot to learn about it through religion, spirituality, and faith. Which is why I write about it metaphorically.”

He ran a hand over his chin for a moment. “I never try to push my own beliefs or agendas on people. I want people to think and believe in things on their own, without having my choice influence them in any way.”

“I think that’s marvelous,” I hummed.

Noah smiled. “The whole lore and stories in religion really interest me. I’m currently reading a book about The Fall.”

My mouth ran dry when my body went rigid. “Th-the Fall?”

“Yeah, fallen angels. It’s actually quite interesting.”

I ran my hands over my thigh and cleared my throat. “Do you believe in them?”

“Angels?” Noah asked with furrowed brows.

All I could do was nod, afraid that my voice would give way to how nervous I was for his answer.

He ran a hand over his mouth, almost deep in thought. “It’s hard to give a definitive answer because I haven’t seen proof of angels. I thought that angels didn’t exist at first but something changed my view on it. My grandma told me a story about fallen angels when I was younger. What about you? Do you believe it?”

“You wouldn’t believe the things I’ve seen,” the tone of my voice dropped drastically as my fingers brushed along the softness of the comforter beneath me.

Flash images of what I’d done under the King’s command plagued me. Death by my sword was ordered to anyone who disobeyed him. Which rarely happened but when it did, I was the one that dealt with the end of the traitor's life. The familiar feeling of ripping out their wings weighed heavy on my hands as I stared down at them with sheer disgust.

How could the creator who was supposed to love all of us equally order me to do such vile, horrendous, things to his creations?

“Lethia,” the softness of his large hands rested on my shoulder, fresh off a kill. “You’ve done well my child. Your allegiance is greatly thought of.”

My jaw clenched at how foolish I’d been. Following a King who cared so little for us in the end. The amount of wings I ripped out was too much to count. The amount of angels I dragged my blade into cut deep into my gut, causing me to revolt in disgust.

At myself.

Since I fell weeks ago, I questioned so deeply why my appearance changed and I always thought it was because of my love for Lucifer. But it could be to pay for all of my heinous crimes up in the Kingdom. Crimes ordered by Him.

“Hey,” Noah’s tattooed knuckle lifted my chin. “Are you alright?”

I nearly sobbed when yet again I couldn’t feel his touch; another repercussion.

“No,” I choked out. “I did horrible things back home and how could I ever be allowed back? Why would he want me back?”

The screams of my victims were loud in my mind, their bloody wings lying at my feet, and I squeezed my eyes shut at the vision.

“You don’t have to go back there. You can stay here with me. Whatever you did can’t be that terrible,” his voice cooed in the silence of his bedroom.

The words died on my tongue, it not being worth it to explain myself to him because Noah wouldn’t understand.

My heart's racing faltered for the briefest of moments, only for it to double in pace when Noah’s eyes studied me, assessing every inch of my face. I tracked every movement of his tongue when it darted out to wet his pink lips.

“Lethia.”

My name was all but a hushed whisper that hung on his bottom lip and when our eyes met, some kind of light danced behind his. I raised my fingers to his mouth to drag the nail of my pointer finger along that bottom lip. Noah’s breath hitched in his throat but remained still as I glanced up at him, dying to know what it would feel like. Facial hair peppered his chin and above his mouth, and I couldn’t help but smile at how good he looked.

There was no way he wasn't like me. Noah was too eternal, the aura that radiated around him shone bright and pulled me in every time he was around.

The long locks of his hair fell into his face when he tilted his head towards me, closing the distance slightly. The divine scent of him filled my senses and I let my eyes flutter shut to pick apart each of the different smells. Noah smelled woodsy with a hint of Bergamot and Nutmeg. It smelled like his bedroom. It smelled like him.

“Noah,” I breathed, now dragging my nails over the tattoo on his neck.

I couldn't feel his touch but I did notice my hair being brushed away from my face.

“I can’t explain it,” Noah swallowed. “But I feel this strong connection to you.”

All of my actions were unknown to me, along with this feeling in my chest that burned with such a good ache. Noah silenced all of the voices in my mind, easing away the guilt and hurt that weighed heavily on my heart for my actions in the Kingdom. I was resistant at first with him but I think it was only because this feeling deep inside of me scared me to the ends of the earth.

“Me as well,” I admitted quietly.

My hands rested in my lap now, shaking with nerves, wondering what Noah was going to do. We were so close now, with almost no space between our lips, and before my brain could catch up on what was happening a sudden surge of warmth exploded inside of me before seeping into my veins. My skin pricked with electricity when Noah’s hand glided through my hair and it was then that I noticed his eyes were closed but his lips were on mine.

He was kissing me?

Fuck.

I nearly cried and cursed the King for bestowing me with this curse of not being able to feel human touch. All I wanted was to feel Noah’s lips on mine, taste him, devour him. Although I couldn’t feel him, the feeling that was coming alive inside of me was almost too much to handle and I let a quiet moan be swallowed by Noah, who hummed in delight.

It felt like fireworks being shot off inside of me. It felt like that first flight I took when I realized my wings kept me upright. It felt like the wind blew through my hair and the softness of the clouds encased me just as Noah’s arm did.

Something spread my lips apart and now all I could feel was the sudden wetness in my mouth and between my legs. I clenched them together while grasping at Noah’s shirt, trying to feel anything.

He pulled away to glance down at me, briefly searching my eyes for any emotion I couldn’t give off in the kiss we just shared.

“I mean this with genuine curiosity but have you never been kissed before?” Noah wondered while his hand cupped my cheek.

I shifted on his bed and kept my gaze cast down on my lap. While I lay with other angels up in the Kingdom, we’d never kissed; Noah was my first kiss, ever.

“Lethia?”

“I-,” my shoulders slumped. “No. Was I that bad?”

Now while I couldn’t feel his touch, that didn’t stop me from meeting his kiss with the same amount of gentle caress that he led with.

A low noise rumbled in Noah’s chest. “Not at all. I’d actually like to kiss you again if that’s alright?”

Unbridled heat expanded deep within me as I nodded quickly and then his lips were on mine again. I let the passion in my heart guide my lips, doing my best to mimic Noah’s actions, and he let out a moan when I climbed into his lap to run my hands through the waves of his tawny hair. Even if I couldn’t feel any part of this physically, I could feel it in my heart, and to me, that’s all that mattered.

“Lethia,” Noah groaned when I pressed my hips into his.

Something in my heart told me that he was brushing his tongue along the side of my neck before his teeth grazed over in its path. That same feeling told me that Noah’s hands were sprawled over my lower back before slipping underneath my shirt to claw at my skin, digging his nails in.

My spine tingled with fire, starting from the base and shooting straight up into my neck before spreading through my entire angel essence. My head fell back as my jaw went slack when the familiar feeling of ecstasy crept its way into me.

Only this wasn’t the kind of ecstasy brought on by a man's kiss or touch.

No.

The skin on my shoulder blades began to peel away an opening for my wings to protrude from and with a gasp of fear, I scrambled away from Noah and nearly stumbled over my feet as I stood in front of him. He lay back on his elbows, hair a mess from my fingers running through it, and lips were swollen from our kiss. The rise and fall of his chest was uneven as he tried to catch his breath. I dared a glance lower and sucked in a breath when I noticed how hard his cock was in his gray sweats.

“Hey, are you alright? Did I do something?” Noah asked while rising to his feet and taking a step towards me.

I took a step back. “No, you didn’t do anything. I-I can’t explain it but-.”

How could I explain it?

Oh hey, Noah. I was getting so turned on by our kiss that my wings almost came out.

Yeah right.

I dragged my hands through my hair and let out an aggravated groan to which Noah gently grasped my wrists and held them against his chest. My gaze bounced back and forth between his eyes, my erratic heartbeat calming.

“If I went too far, I apologize,” he said.

“No,” I hastily shook my head. “You didn’t do anything. I just needed a moment to clear my head, that's all.”

He hummed. “I know the perfect thing to help with that.”

Before dropping my hands, he left a gentle kiss on them, and I couldn’t stop the smile that spread to my lips as I watched him gather the extra clothes on his desk and towels.

“A shower always helps me clear my head,” Noah said while leading me out of his bedroom.

“A shower?” I asked, slowly treading behind him.

“Yeah,” he nodded as we stepped inside the bathroom. “Hot Water. Soap. Shampoo.”

“Naked. I know the drill,” I crossed my arms over my chest with a raised brow. “Are you trying to get me naked, Noah?”

Nervously he rubbed the back of his neck and a red tint painted over his cheeks. “N-no. I just want to help you.”

I took the things in his hands with a nod of thanks. “You’ve already done enough for me. Giving me a place to stay.”

The space between us was small in his bathroom due to his tall stature and he gazed down at me with a slight up curl of his lips as he stuffed his hands in his pocket.

“I help the people I care about.”

I cocked my head at him. “You care about me?”

This word, care, was foreign to me; unheard of in the Kingdom. So to hear Noah utter it made a weird feeling stir inside of me.

“I wouldn’t have kissed you if I didn’t,” Noah’s voice was low as he took a small step towards me.

However, when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I nearly dropped the clothes and towels. I always tried to avoid looking at myself because of how evil I looked. My red eyes matched the red lights from under Noah’s bed and my short onyx hair barely reached my shoulders. Thankfully my jacket and jeans covered the tattoos that were drawn on my skin; etched in deep with my transgressions.

I despised how I looked now. Revolted in the darkness that I become.

“I never used to look like this,” I admitted with a long sigh, letting the things in my hands fall to the bathroom counter.

Noah stepped behind me to stare at my reflection in the mirror. “Really?”

“This look?” I pointed to my reflection. “It’s a telling of everything wrong I’ve done. I can’t even look at myself without disgust.”

His face fell at my words and he rested his hands on my shoulders. “Lethia, that’s the farthest thing from the truth. You look beautiful.”

That was another word I hadn’t heard before.

“Beautiful?” I raised a brow, staring at his reflection still.

Noah rested his chin on top of my head and I couldn’t help but giggle at the size difference between us. I wasn’t exactly short but with Noah’s length, he easily towered over me so to rest his chin on my head he had to bend down a bit, encasing his arms on either side of me to grip the bathroom counter.

My eyes raked over the tattoos that covered the entirety of his arms, various designs and colors.

“Well for starters, the length of your hair suits your face structure and the color compliments your olive skin tone,” he left a kiss on the side of my head.

“I used to have long, almost white hair,” I said.

“Oh,” his face scrunched up.

“You don’t like it?” I teased with a chuckle.

Noah shrugged. “You look beautiful either way but like I said this look suits you better.”

His hands grabbed the collar of my jacket to slowly pull it down my arms, letting it fall to the floor at our feet. I now stood in front of him in my jeans and white shirt, arms exposed to show the darkness of the tattoos that covered them.

“Your tattoos are made for you,” he breathed in my ear, fingers trailing up the skin of my arms.

Our eyes locked in the mirror, the deep crimson of mine paled in contrast to his bright almond ones; however this time when I looked into them, they weren’t cold and vacant. Not like I’d see in my dreams.

“Your eyes,” Noah breathed. “I think your eyes are one of my favorite things about you.”

He brushed away the hair from my neck so he could press kisses along the skin there. I watched in the mirror as his teeth grazed over the shell of my ear before sinking deep into the crook of my neck. Straight heat shot through me again and I let myself fall into his embrace with a sigh that sounded more like a moan.

“I’m afraid,” my bottom lip trembled as I cast my eyes down from his.

Noah turned me in his arms so I had no choice but to look up at him. His eyes were filled with worry as they searched every inch of my face. I grasped at the front of his shirt, fingers trying desperately to feel the material.

“Afraid of what? This?” He pointed between us.

“No,” I shook my head and then let out a shaky breath. “I am terrified by this dark thing that sleeps in me.”

Noah’s hands were on both sides of my face because he held me firm. Then when the light sparked inside of me, I knew that he crashed his lips on mine, tongue slipping inside of my mouth. Although I couldn’t feel his touch, the feeling I had deep inside of me was telling me everything he was doing.

One hand cupped my cheek while the other slipped inside my shirt, grasping at the skin of my lower back. His lips and tongue explored every inch of my mouth, dragging his teeth along my jawline and neck as he went back to leaving small marks along my collarbone.

His name came out just below a whisper when he lifted me onto the bathroom counter, digging his nails into the thick material of my jeans to spread my legs open for him. Noah stepped between them as I brought our lips together again in another fiery kiss, needing to bring Noah even closer to me by any means.

“Lethia,” he murmured against my mouth. “I need-.”

Just as the skin on my shoulders began peeling away, someone walked into the bathroom, causing Noah to jump away from me slightly. Glancing at the now open door, I noticed his roommate Jesse’s eyes bouncing between Noah and me.

“Shit, I should have knocked,” he muttered while rubbing his face. “I just saw the door was cracked open and didn’t think.”

I wiped away the saliva from my lips and turned my head away from the two men, feeling this unusual burn on my cheeks.

“It’s alright,” Noah ran a hand through his hair, still keeping a wide distance between us. “I was just letting Lethia take a shower.”

Jesse nodded. “Yeah sure, no problem. I’ll just use the bathroom downstairs.”

When it was just Noah and me yet again, I peered over to him who was leaning against the wall with a wicked smirk.

“What?” I asked with a slight up curl on my lips.

He said nothing, only adjusting himself. I dared a glance downward and sucked in a breath when I noticed his cock pressing hard against the front of his sweats. All the warmth in my body shot down to my core and I squeezed my thighs together, hoping it would curb the itch.

How did this mortal seem to set all of my senses ablaze like this?

“I’ll give you some privacy,” Noah motioned to the shower.

As he began walking out of the bathroom, I dared a glance at the shower but tilted my head in confusion.

“Wait,” I spoke while reaching for his wrist, my black nails grazing his skin.

Both of us reacted with such a shock, nearly making me rear back in surprise. Noah’s eyes bounced from my hold on him to my face; a spark of something behind them.

“How do I turn it on?”

“The shower?” His brows creased.

All I did was nod, some things on this planet still confused me but I didn’t want to tell him that.

With a chuckle, Noah walked over to the shower, sliding the door open then turned the dial left.

“Left is hot. The right is cold. Adjust how you need to. There’s already some shampoo and body wash in there for you,” he said when he stepped in front of me.

Steam began to fill the bathroom, dancing above our heads like the clouds in the Kingdom. Reaching up on the tips of my toes, I laid a soft kiss on the corner of his mouth.

“Thank you, Noah.”

NOAH

I stifled a yawn behind my hand as I poured myself yet another cup of coffee, stirring the dark liquid as I leaned against the kitchen island. Craning my neck far to the left, I groaned when it popped in a few different places. Sleeping on the couch did a number on my back and neck but I didn’t want to verbalize my discomfort knowing that Lethia was comfortable upstairs in bed.

Possibly naked, lying in my sheets.

Shaking the thoughts from my head, I took a large gulp of my coffee, it slightly burning on the way down, when Jesse walked into the kitchen. His eyes raked over my disheveled hair and skewed clothes with a smirk.

“Rough night?”

I grumbled in response.

“I’m sorry about interrupting you and Lethia last night,” Jesse apologized while reaching for a cup in the far right cupboard.

“It’s alright,” I set my cup on the counter next to me.

It seemed as if there was something on the tip of his tongue so I urged him to ask his question with a nod.

“Are you sure you aren’t moving fast with her?” Jesse was hesitant to ask. “You don’t know a lot about Lethia?”

Even though I was growing tired of the same conversation with my friends, I took a deep breath to ease away the annoyance. I knew they were only coming from a place of love.

“It’s hard to explain,” I rubbed a hand up and down my arm. “We feel this strong connection between us and no matter how hard I tried to stay away, it seemed as if something kept pulling us together.”

Jesse nodded with a faint smile. “She seems like a great girl, Noah. We just don’t want you to fall too deep and end up getting hurt.”

I reassured him with a pat on his shoulder just as Jolly, Michael, and Orie came bounding into the kitchen, all of them going about to start their typical morning routine. It was a rare Saturday that we all had off so earlier in the week we talked about going for a hike today.

“Still on for today?” Orie wondered.

“Yeah,” I answered.

Jolly took a sip of his coffee. “Did you ask if Lethia wanted to come?”

My lips parted to speak but there was this tingle at the back of my neck, making the hairs there stand to attention, and when I turned slightly, my heart shuddered in my chest.

Lethia stood in the middle of the kitchen, rubbing a hand on her elbow. Her hair was a mess from a night of sleep and I could make out the faintest of a few purple marks across her neck. My cock twitched in my sweats when I remembered our kisses from last night. But that��s not what made my heart stop. It was what she was wearing.

My blue and white star shorts and my Jesus playing basketball with the devil t-shirt. It drowned on her, barely covering the shorts. Not only were her arms covered in tattoos but so were both of her legs, the black designs standing out amongst the sunlight that brushed in through the patio door next to her. Lethia looked absolutely breathtaking.

Like an angel.

“Hilarious,” she pulled at the picture of the shirt.

I smiled. “Did you sleep alright?”

“You guys were going to ask me something?”

She averted my question with one of her own and Orie spoke up.

“We were going for a hike today. Would you like to join?”

“A hike,” Lethia repeated the words slowly.

Michael rolled his eyes. “You know, walking up a mountain. Fresh air. Scenery. Exercise.”

Crimson eyes sliced into him. “I know what a hike is.”

“Cool, so are you coming with or not?” He crossed his arms.

“I’m touched you want me to tag along, Michael. I knew you secretly had feelings for me,” Lethia teased with a playful smirk.

Peering over to Michael, I noticed a red tint covering his cheeks before he hid his face in the fridge, rummaging around for something.

“So,” I began while closing the distance between Lethia and me. “Do you want to come with us?”

She peered up at me through dark lashes. “You want to spend time with me?”

“I think after last night that it’s pretty clear,” I said while taming her sleep-tousled hair.

Lethia leaned into my touch, her eyes fluttering shut with a peaceful sigh.

“Okay,” she agreed after a beat of silence. “Give me a few minutes to get dressed.”

“Take all the time you need,” I said, trailing my fingers down the side of her neck.

Lethia slipped away from me and trotted back upstairs to get ready and when I turned around, I ignored the looks from Michael, Orie, and Jolly. Instead, I walked into the living room while hearing Jesse fill them in on what happened last night.

“You kissed her?” Michael asked as he followed me into the living room.

Slipping my black jacket over my hoodie, I shrugged. “It sort of happened. We were in my room talking and I asked if I could.”

He hesitated and I knew, like Jesse, he had some reservations.

“Look, I appreciate you guys looking out for me, I do. But if I didn’t trust Lethia, she wouldn’t be here. So can we please make her feel welcome?”

I directed the question towards Michael, who raised his hands. “I didn’t start it.”

“I think the reason why you two seem to butt heads is because she doesn't take your shit,” Jolly chuckled while tying up his hair.

Michael grumbled under his breath as Lethia came bounding down the steps, yet again taking my breath away. She was dressed in biker shorts, showcasing her long and toned legs, and a black fitted crop top. Her white tennis shoes stood out as she came to a stop when all eyes fell on her.

“Do I have something stuck to me or something?” She asked, doing a full 360 turn, and I briefly saw a tattoo peaking on her shoulder through the straps of her shirt.

Some kind of bird. A crow?

“No, you look great,” I smiled. “Ready?”

“Shit, my jacket. Let me-.”

Before she could run back upstairs, I handed her an extra sweater of mine I grabbed from the front closet.

“Your leather jacket is looking a bit worn so here, you can have my sweater for the day,” I said.

She hesitantly took it, fingering the material of my yellow sweater. “Thank you, Noah.”

The drive to our usual hiking spot seemed to go by faster than normal as we all piled in Orie’s SUV; he and his dog, Harper, up front; something Michael gave him shit for when he tried to call shotgun.

Jolly and Michael were in the middle.

Me, Lethia, and Jesse were in the back seat.

My knees were brushing with hers, heat spreading throughout my nerve endings and I suddenly wanted to feel all of her all over me. Memories of our kiss last night flashed in my mind when I found myself staring at her lips while she talked with Jesse.

I remembered how they tasted; like every dark thought I’d ever had. There was something about her that kept calling to me, to a side that I forever repressed. I needed to know more about her and to know who she was running from so I could protect her from them.

Once we all stumbled out of the car, Lethia bent low to Harper so the dog could sniff her fingers. With a faint smile, she scratched Harper being the ears, something the dog appreciated with a wag of her tail.

“You’re a beautiful creature,” Lethia mused before rising to her feet.

With Orie taking the lead, we all followed up the usual path, Lethia slowly trailing behind. I let her take her time alone, figured something was bothering her, but when we made it about halfway up the trail, I finally turned to face her. Her hand was moving in an orbit as she studied the long black nails; sharp as a blade.

“Come on slowpoke!” I called out to her with a smile after pulling my hood up.

Her eyes barely lifted to mine, something still clouding her mind.

“What’s going on?” I asked, coming to a stop.

“Hm?”

When Lethia finally looked up at me, it was a few seconds too late as she crashed into me, not realizing I stopped walking. My arms wrapped around her to keep us upright while her hands sprawled over my chest. I was still so nervous to have her this close to me that I knew she would be able to tell when she’d feel my heart beating rapidly in my chest.

“What’s going on in here?” I asked again, tapping her forehead.

She didn’t even flinch.

“Nothing,” Lethia said.

I knew she couldn’t see the look I was giving her through my sunglasses so instead, I squeezed her hips; once again not reacting to my touch.

“I’m fine, Noah,” she reassured me with a gentle caress to my face. “We should move along before the others wonder where we drifted off to.”

I glanced over my shoulder, noticing that Jolly was at the top of the hill about ten feet ahead of us; stopped and waiting.

“The first one to Jolly wins,” I said.

This made her raise a brow. “A race?”

“Yeah,” I dropped my hands from her waist. “If I win, I get to sleep in my bed with you. The couch isn’t the best place to sleep on my back. If it makes you feel better, we can put a wall of pillows between us.”

“What do I get when I win?” Her hands replaced mine on her hips.

I snorted. “Someone’s confident.”

It was her turn to snort. “There’s no way you can beat me. Now, what do I get when I win?”

“Whatever you want,” I shrugged.

She tapped a finger to her lip as if she was really thinking about her decision.

“If I win, I’d like for you to kiss me again.”

My cock twitched in my joggers while my heart hammered loudly in my ears.

“Lethia,” my voice dropped. “You don’t have to make a bet for me to kiss you again.”

Cocking her head to the side, she stood taller to close the distance. I felt the warm breath fan over my bottom lip and I almost captured her tongue with mine when it darted out to wet her lips.

Suddenly, her laughter erupted through the trees as she took off in a sprint toward Jolly. Chuckling under my breath, I whipped around to begin running after her, amazed at how fast she’d already closed the distance to Jolly. She was less than five feet from him as he watched the two of us with a smile.

Suddenly, her steps faltered briefly, just enough for me to pass her in such haste that I didn’t see that she stopped running completely. When I reached Jolly, I tapped his shoulder before raising my hands.

“I win!”

Lethia slowly caught up to us with a smile painting the features of her face, not even working hard to catch her breath from the race. It was as if she wasn’t even winded.

“You did, fair and square,” she agreed while tying half of her hair up into a bun.

Jolly looked from me to Lethia, a knowing look on his face. “Really?”

My shoulders fell when I saw the look the two of them shared.

“Wait,” I pointed to her. “Did you let me win?”

“No,” Lethia dragged out the word and shrugged. “Why would I do that?”

When she slipped between Jolly and me, she patted my chest and winked. “You better not be a blanket hog, Noah.”

I watched her walk up to Jesse, the two of them picking up the conversation they had in the car.

“You know Lethia let you win, right?”

Jolly’s voice made me snap my gaze over to him. “No, she didn’t.”

Now it was me that gave that knowing look and I shifted on my feet.

“Why would she let me win?” I asked.

“She wanted you to share your bed with her,” Jolly said as if it was obvious.

I stood there for a long moment after he left to catch up with everyone else, letting his words settle within me. Lethia let me win because she wanted to share my bed. A fire burned in my gut with that knowledge as excitement filled my veins with the thought of going to sleep tonight.

When I reached the group, they all were standing on a cliff edge staring down at the city of Los Angeles. This was one of my favorite spots because you could see everything up here but hear nothing of the hustle and bustle of the city, only your thoughts.

I took note of Lethia who was a few feet away from all of us, in her own little bubble, letting the wind blow through her hair and my sweater that was tied around her waist. Her eyes were closed, a look of peaceful bliss on her face almost as if she belonged in the breeze. Her arms were outstretched as she tilted her head back. “Lethia.”

One eye cracked open as she looked at me when I snapped a quick picture of her with a smile.

“I’m glad you invited me with you guys,” she breathed while dropping her arms.

“Yeah, you’ve been alright company,” Michael admitted with a grumble.

She came over and ruffled his hair. “You’re not so bad yourself.”

Hooking an arm around her back, I pulled her into my chest, breathing my question over her lips. “You let me win the race?”

“Now why would I do that?” Lethia hummed, playing with the strings of my hoodie.

“That would mean I secretly want to sleep in the same bed with you.”

Something mischievous sparkled in her crimson eyes as I lowered my head to her, capturing her lips in a soft kiss. Her body relaxed in my embrace, lips molding against my own, while my hands roamed up her back.

Pulling away, Lethia dragged a finger over my bottom lip.

“Looks like we both won in the end,” she respired.

“How sweet.”

Lethia’s body went stiff in my embrace when she peered over my shoulder toward the unfamiliar voice. Following her gaze, my brows creased when I noticed a man standing a few feet away from our group, hands stuffed deep into the pockets of his dark Levis. The top two buttons of his white shirt were undone, showcasing a golden chain. For someone walking outside on a dirt-filled mountain, he looked clean; pristine. Not a single strand of his blonde hair was out of place on top of his head.

“Uriel,” Lethia forced out through gritted teeth.

“Do you know him?” I asked when I looked back at her.

“Unfortunately,” her jaw ticked, never removing her eyes from the stranger. “He’s an old friend. Give me a few minutes?”

I swallowed the jealousy burning deep in my gut at the way she said old friend but nodded, letting her slip from my embrace. With the guys flanking in a line a few feet behind her, we watched with careful eyes as she moved out of earshot from us.

LETHIA

“How did you find me?” I questioned, the soles of my shoes scraping along the rocks beneath my feet.

Uriel smiled with his lips but not his eyes. “I must admit, your scent was a bit harder to find now that you mingle among these mortals.”

“What do you want, Uriel?” My hands shook at my side so I rolled them into fists.

Bright gold eyes flicked over my shoulder towards the guys before they fell on me.

“I come with a message from the King.”

I swallowed thickly, nearly faltering my stone face at the mention of the King, but remained calm.

“I’m surprised he let you leave his side; you were always the one to be up his ass any chance you could get.”

Uriel’s eyes sliced into me. “The vulgarity of your speech, Lethia. A few weeks here and you’ve changed; in more ways than one.”

“What’s this message?” I asked with a sigh, ready to end this surprise meeting.

“The King is welcoming you back into the Kingdom.”

My heart stopped in my chest as my jaw dropped. I couldn’t ignore the way relief flooded me for the briefest of moments.

A way back home? I was allowed to go back home.

“That seems too good to be true. How can I believe your word?” I asked while crossing my arms over my chest.

Uriel held out his hands. “I am an archangel, Lethia. We’re known for our word.”

“When the fuck has your word ever been good enough? I sneered, countless memories of how wrong his word had been in the Kingdom.

“Do you want to be granted a way back or not?” Uriel clicked his tongue against his teeth.

“Surely the King has a catch,” I reminded him. “He always did.”

Uriel pointed to Noah. “Erase that mortal’s memory of you, renounce him and everything you’ve done together. Never look his way again and you have your way back home.”

My heart fell to the depths of my stomach at this demand. Even though there was a tiny sliver of hope of being granted access back into my home, there was no way I could erase Noah’s memory of me. These feelings we shared were still unknown to me but that didn’t mean I didn’t understand that we were important to each other; the feelings were real.

“I’m not interested,” I spat while spinning on my heels, ready to walk back over to Noah.

“He will allow you time to think about it, but not for long,” Uriel spoke. “I suggest you accept because the stench of humans is beginning to rub off on you; especially that mortal.”

Both of us glanced over at Noah who was watching us intently while talking with Jesse. They were still a good distance from us so I knew none of them could hear mine and Uriel's conversation.

“Hm, he fancies you, Lethia. Tell me, how often do you walk in his dream? Quite often I suppose since he has those vulgar thoughts of you,” Uriel breathed against the back of my neck, fingers grazing over mine.

My head snapped up to Uriel, creating distance between us by snatching my hand away from him. It was clear that I still was able to feel the touch of fellow angels, just not mortals.

“You don’t know anything! He’s a good man offering me a place to stay away from Maraxa and Lucifer,” I seethed.

His eyes darkened, almost as black as my wings. “You must not heed to their demands. If you even think about joining Lucifer's army, any chance of you getting back into the Kingdom will be long forgotten. The King is only allowing you one chance. Erase that mortal mind or stay on this putrid planet and walk among these disgusting creatures.”

“Trust me, I have zero intention of joining Lucifer. It’s because of him I fell into what I am now. But the thought of joining a Kingdom that banished me also isn’t quite appealing,” I scoffed and walked a few steps away from him when his next words gave me great pause.

“What if I sweeten the deal?”

Turning slowly on my feet, I held out a hand. “I doubt it but go ahead.”

Uriel pursed his lips before running a hand through his already perfect long, golden hair. “It is known that Lucifer is looking to revolt and he’s trying to find other fallen to join his army; for example, you.”

I shook my head. “I already told you, I have no interest in joining him.”

“The King can be quite lax with this upcoming war. He thinks he has enough soldiers for it but if I’m being frank, without Oblivion, we have no chance.”

Every part of my body chilled to the bone as all the breath was snatched from my lungs at hearing that name; I hadn’t heard it in so long.

“I’m not that person anymore,” I stated. “I haven’t been for a very long time.”

“If you come back to the Kingdom, you can bring him with you. But still would need to erase his memories of you.” Uriel nodded behind me.

To Noah.

“What?” I stood tall. “How would that work? He’s mortal, he wouldn’t survive in the Kingdom. Not to mention, the King would never allow it.”

That’s when something sparkled in Uriel’s eyes.

“You two will dethrone the King.”

I laughed out loud at his words. “Dethrone the King? Show up to the pearly gates so we can spit in his face?”

“Think about it,” Uriel stepped closer to me, running a hand through my short locks.

“If you accept to dethrone the King, lead the army in victory against Lucifer, you can bring the mortal with you and rule the Kingdom. However, he would have to be a mere peasant there. He cannot remember who you are. Think of him as a mere pawn for you to play with.”

I stood frozen under his touch as he twirled a strand of hair around his finger. “I’ll even return you to your old physical state. Which you should be thankful for because this one doesn’t suit you.”

The promise of not only going back home in my old form but being able to bring Noah with me made something inside of me light with the life I’d been searching for since I fell. But it wouldn’t be easy to bring a mortal into the Kingdom; there was only one way to enter.

Being an eternal being.

“I’ll think about it,” I muttered under my breath.

Uriel smiled as he removed his hand from my hair. “I suggest you do because the longer you try to hide your true form, well I don’t need to remind you of what will happen.”

No, he didn’t.

My wings will deteriorate. My powers will weaken. Slowly over time, I will lose myself in my mind.

With a scowl, I turned my back to him and finally sauntered back over towards Noah, who met me halfway, quick to pull me into his embrace.

“Everything alright?” He brushed away some stray hairs from my face.

“I need to get far away from that man,” I begged, parts of me that I didn’t want to remember coming back with force.

“Did he hurt you?” Noah’s hands were on both sides of my face, almost mute against my skin. “Are you alright?

“Please,” I grasped at his arms, digging into the material of his jacket. “Can we leave? Seeing him brought up far too many memories I’d like to forget”.

Noah nodded while wrapping an arm around my shoulder to begin leading me back down the hill, Uriel’s voice calling after us.

“I’ll be seeing you soon, Lethia!”

JOLLY

“This place is called what?”

Noah chuckled at Lethia’s upturned head at him with furrowed brows. “In-N-Out. They’ve got great burgers here.”

“Burgers?” She said slowly.

I watched as Noah explained the menu to her, what’s good and what to stay away from. Revealing that she wasn’t particular to any kind of food, he took it upon himself to order her a cheeseburger, fries, and a large chocolate milkshake.

“Oh, that milkshake sounds delicious,” Lethia mused with a bright smile.

There was a faint smile on my face as I continued to watch the two of them, Noah sliding his hand on the lower back of Lethia as they waited for their food. She had slipped on his sweater on the way down from the mountain, the sudden change in the wind causing all of us to feel a frigid chill.

After Lethia spoke to that old friend of hers, something shifted with her. Noah could tell instantly because he wrapped an arm around her shoulder, not wanting to let her more than a few inches out of her sight.

“Something doesn’t feel right about this guy,” Noah muttered to me as we watched Lethia and her friend converse.

I held him back with a grip on his elbow when he nearly stomped over there seeing Uriel run his hands through Lethia’s hair.

“Jolly,” he warned through gritted teeth.

“Just give her some time alone, like she asked. If she’s uncomfortable, she’ll let you know,” I said.

I could practically see all the worry leave Lethia’s body when Noah’s arms wrapped around her not even a minute later.

I couldn’t explain it, and frankly, I don’t think Noah could explain either how Lethia entranced him since he found her in our driveway all those weeks ago. He claimed there was this undeniable pull between them and almost as if it was fate that they kept running into each other.

There’d been this light in Noah’s eyes every time he looked at Lethia, shining brighter now knowing and witnessing they kissed. He’d become transfixed ever since that first meeting even when she had her hand wrapped around his throat. We all should have been terrified of the strength she possessed when she tackled Folio to the floor or with how tight her grip was around Noah. But if he didn’t feel harm when he was around her, the least we could do was trust her.

“What do you think?” Noah asked.

She nodded with a mouth full of food then once she swallowed, Lethia took a large gulp of her milkshake. “Delicious.”

While I ate my food, I continued to carefully watch them as the others around me had their own conversations. I didn’t miss the way when Noah muttered something in her ear, Lethia’s cheeks turned a deep crimson, like her eyes.

She had her milkshake halfway to her lips when her body stilled, a painful grimace crossing her features. Those eyes scanned the entirety of the restaurant, almost looking for someone.

“Are you alright?” Jesse questioned.

“Uh,” Lethia winced, nearly doubling over in pain when she grasped at the ends of the table.

A small gust of wind bristled by our table, tickling the back of my neck, and as I rubbed there Lethia quickly rushed to her feet.

“I need a moment,” she grumbled before rushing out of the restaurant.

Noah wanted to go after her but decided against it, knowing she needed time to herself.

“Anyone else think she does that a lot?” Michael questioned.

Noah sighed while running a hand through the long strands of his hair. “Lethia has a lot going on right now. She needs help.”

“What do you mean?” I asked while tossing my garbage on the tray in front of me.

There was slight hesitation from Noah for a long moment until he eventually divulged to us that he believes Lethia is running from an ex who wanted her back, even though he kicked her out of their house.

“Oh, right. Lucifer,” Michael snorted. “Are we sure she doesn’t have this obsession with the occult or some shit? The only Lucifer I’d heard of is the supposed devil.

Orie smacked him upside the head. “Dude, Lethia is not dating the devil.”

“She’s not dating anyone,” Noah’s eyes sliced over to him but they softened when he realized his words. “Lethia’s not dating anyone.”

“Then what do you call what’s going on between the two of you?” Jesse wondered.

“I don’t know,” Noah shrugged. “I like her but I don’t want to rush her into anything she doesn’t want.”

“From what I’ve seen, you’re not. Whatever you’re giving her, she’s reciprocating it back. Lethia feels the same, Noah. You don’t have to worry about that,” I assured him.

All he did was nod as he kept his gaze on the door of the restaurant where Lethia stormed through minutes before.

LETHIA

“Come to me, Lethia. My queen. I need you by my side to rule.”

I clawed at my ears, digging out Lucifer's voice, and continued to run into the woods behind the restaurant. My body ached with the pain of my wings nearly forcing their way out of my back. It’s been a few days since I let them out and it was beginning to crush me.

“I miss you, Lethia. I need you again.”

“Stop!” I cried while falling to my knees in the leaves and dirt, hands covering my ears.

“I’ll never stop until I have you in my presence. You are mine, Lethia. Not his.”

All but ripping Noah’s sweater off of me, I tossed it to the side just as I let out a sheer groan of agony mixed with ecstasy when my large wings exploded from my back. The force of them caused the branches of the trees around me to falter, some falling to the ground around me like drops of rain.

My jaw was slack as I peered up to the gloomy grays of the sky, an upcoming storm about to ravage through the city. All the pain I felt inside the restaurant was long forgotten, replaced with the intoxication of my angelic being. My powers began to slowly fester low inside of me and with an open palm, I watched the bright light slowly begin to grow into a baseball-sized orb then with a flick of my wrist, I sent it to a tree far off into the distance, incinerating it completely.

My body vibrated with all of my senses. I could hear the chatter of people miles away, feeling the slight creep of chills against the skin of my back when my name came out from the chatter.

“Lethia.”

Before, it was Lucifer speaking in my mind. But now, that voice that uttered my name was the same that spoke when he was kissing me last night.

My left wing came around to the front of me, blocking me from anyone who dared to venture into the woods and a broken sob fell from my chattering lips. They were deteriorating at such a rapid pace. While they were still large, dark, and caused fear to any mortal who saw them, my wings were a pathetic excuse to any other angel. A few feathers drifted into the wind, the weakness from hiding who I was taunting me.

“There she is. I knew you couldn’t hide who you were. The darkness lies inside of you, begging to awaken.”

I sucked in a gulp of air when Maraxa’s voice crept into my mind now; the cold and monotone bringing a chill to my bones.

My eyes rolled to the back of my head when a vision slammed into me.

Noah and the guys sitting in the booth of the restaurant, smiling and laughing with a group of girls that sauntered up to the table. One of the girls was standing a bit too close to Noah, as he signed something for her. When he handed it back, their fingers grazed over the girl’s. His almond eyes snapped from her hand to her face, gazing at all of her features.

“No!” I screamed while rising to my feet. “Stop. I know what you’re doing!”

“Oh, sweet Oblivion. I’m doing nothing that your mind is already thinking.”

The way Maraxa uttered my other name made me whirl around, thinking she was here with me.

“I’m not Oblivion anymore. I haven’t been for a very long time,” I spat, eyes scanning my surroundings.

“You should see yourself. Looking like a mad angel who lost her mind.”

Uriel’s warnings were right. My wings were deteriorating and now, I was losing myself in my mind. Were these voices even in my head? Or had I been imagining them since my fall?

“Lethia?!”

My head snapped up to just outside the clearing of the woods, Noah’s faint outline slowly closing the distance.

“Oh, you’re thinking of letting him see you in your true form. Surely, he will think you’re even more of a freak than how you look. He wouldn’t understand.”

Meraxa.

The voices wouldn’t stop, no matter how hard I smacked my ears to drown them out.

“This mortal will never understand you. You’re mine, Lethia. Mine and no one else's. I will have you in my arms once again.”

Lucifer.

“Stop,” I cried while falling to my knees again, my wings wrapping around me in a protective barrier.

“Dethrone the King and all of his kingdom will be yours.”

Uriel.

“Lethia? Are you okay?”

Noah.

Snapping my eyes open, they landed on Noah who was now a few feet away from me. With a roll of my shoulders, I stood to my feet, appearing just as I had moments before leaving his presence.

NOAH

“Lethia, are you alright?” I questioned as she appeared through the clearing of the woods.

I felt Lethia brush past me as she walked back toward the car, not uttering a word at me. My heart sank slightly but I did my best not to dwell on it because of our moments together in my bedroom and the bathroom last night. The unbridled passion between us was burning over into undeniable attraction.

With a sigh, I tied my hair into a low bun, ready to go back home after this long day, but a flutter of movement at my feet caught my attention. It was a lone black feather, just like the one I'd found that first night Lethia appeared in my life.

Bending at the knees, I reached for the feather, and then with a gasp of breath, I felt my vision being yanked away from me at the edges, darkness encompassing every part of me. I felt my soul being dragged away into another dimension, tumbling into a brighter vision of pure peace and eternal life.

A woman with white golden hair stood in front of me, even brighter wings protruding from her back, as she held onto less fragile wings from the man who kneeled at her feet.

"Oblivion," he cried. "Don't fall into the true meaning of your name, please."

The woman; no angel cocked her head to the side with a slight wicked smile.

"The King bestowed this name to me for a reason," was all she said before the man's cries of death and pain erupted but were overshadowed by the sounds of his wings being ripped from his back.

With a gasp of breath, I was dragged back into the present, nearly stumbling onto my ass. Looking around my surroundings, I noticed I was back in Los Angeles, Jolly and Jesse slowly walking towards me.

"You alright?" Jolly wondered.

Ignoring him, I twirled the feather in my fingers and locked eyes with Lethia, who gave nothing away from her face except the slight flicker of light in her red eyes.

This vision didn’t feel like it was one of my own memories. It was as if I was dragged into someone else subconscious as I watched from the outside looking in. Something about watching the angel get his wings ripped away from him felt wrong, especially with the wicked smirk the female angel had on her face when she did it.

I couldn’t ignore the way my mind vibrated with the familiarity of her. I knew who she was but she didn’t look familiar. Her presence was the only familiar thing about her and with a flick of my gaze to Lethia, there was a small part of me that knew who it was.

With a sigh, I carefully pocketed the feather in my coat pocket and nodded over to Jesse who asked if I was ready to head back to the house. When I climbed into the car, I noticed that Michael and Jolly sat in the back with Lethia, so I retreated into the front seat of the car, while Jesse lounged in the middle with Harper.

“Everything alright?” Orie asked as he pulled the car out onto the main road.

Glancing over my shoulder, I watched Lethia for a few beats as she stared straight out of her window, not bothering to meet my gaze. I knew she could feel it burning into her but whatever happened to her outside in those woods rendered her speechless.

“I don’t know,” I answered truthfully before turning back to face forward with a sigh.

As soon as we arrived back at the house, Lethia nearly jumped out of the car to run inside once Jolly opened the door for her. She locked herself away in my bedroom for the rest of the afternoon well into the evening. Part of me wanted to check on her if she was alright but it was clear she wanted to be left alone. If she needed me, she would let me know.

Would she?

With a shake of my head at the thought, I bid a goodnight to Jesse and Michael as we watched a movie together in the living room and slowly retreated up the steps to my room. The door opened a crack but before I pushed my way through, I noticed Lethia standing in the middle of my room in front of my mirror. She was only wearing a pair of black panties and a matching bra. I knew I should have averted my gaze to anything else but I was mesmerized by her.

Lethia showed me her back, hands slinking up her spine towards the hook of her bra, the material falling to the floor at her feet. My breath caught in my throat when I noticed the large crow tattoo on her right shoulder blade. But it wasn’t just the sight of it that gave me great pause; it was the large upside-down V scar on her back. It wasn’t an old scar. It looked new; fresh.

“What the?” I muttered, slowly pushing away from the door to stand in the middle of the landing above the stairs.

With a glance over the landing, I noticed that Jesse and Michael were still sitting on the couch, and knowing Jolly and Orie retreated to bed earlier, the computer in the studio was free. As I came back downstairs to head into the studio that was off the den, Jesse raised a brow at me.

“I thought you went to bed?”

I motioned to the room in front of me. “Late-night inspiration.”

Shutting the door behind me, I dropped down into the chair in front of the computer with my fingers hovering over the keyboard. My mind was full of different words, I wasn’t sure where to start.

Black feathers.

Vivid dreams.

Crows in dreams.

Upside-down V scars on a person's back.

Angels.

Fallen Angels.

The last one made me freeze ever so still, a memory of my own past creeping into the front recesses of my mind.

“Noah, dear! Come on. It’s time for your bedtime story!”

Eight-year-old me ran down the long hallway of my grandparent's house into my bedroom there and hopped into my bed, where my grandma sat on the edge with a fond smile.

“Lord of the Rings?” I asked while climbing under the blankets.

She chuckled while tucking me in. “Now, what did I say about those books? Aren’t you a little too young for them?”

I rolled my eyes. “Ok grandma, what’s the story tonight?”

“Fallen angels.”

“Like from heaven?” I asked with furrowed brows.

“Now I won't bore you with all the details but there’s something special about them,” my grandma began while patting my thigh over the blanket. “When an angel falls from heaven, people think they’re automatically stripped of all their powers but sometimes that's not the case.”

She continued. “There’s this story of a great angel that fell, her feathers scattered all over the world. Whenever a human touched them, they would be sucked into memories of the angel.”

I gave my grandma a “you can’t be serious” look but she only cupped my cheek in response.

“No one believed that angels walked among us until someone saw the scars on the back of one.”

“Scars?” I said, sitting up straighter in bed.

“Large ones on their back. In an upside-down V.”

I choked on a breath nearly falling out of the computer chair but gripped the handrests to keep myself steady. When I was eight years old, I figured my grandma was blowing smoke out of her ass, telling another one of her many stories. But now, everything seemed to have a bit of truth.

Biting my bottom lip, I clicked on Google and quickly typed the words into the search bar before I doubted myself a second longer.

Fallen Angel.

I clicked on the first website.

“Fallen Angels are angels who have been exiled or banished from Heaven. Often such banishment is a punishment for disobeying or rebelling against their King,” I read the words out loud.

I scrolled down the page a bit farther, still muttering the words out loud as I read them.

“If a fallen angel is impaled or struck in the scars created when his or her wings were ripped out usually spanning from shoulder blades to kidney area, he or she will be temporarily immobilized. Some angels still have scars even if they haven’t lost their wings. It’s easier for the skin to peel away for the wings to slip from.”

I shivered at the phantom feeling but then froze when I read the next section.

“A fallen angel is unable to feel physical pain or sensations.”

Scrolling down a bit farther, it was then that I realized how right I’d been about this feeling festering within me; almost begging to be let out.

“A fallen angel's feather holds a lot of power. It holds the memories of the angel and whoever touches them can find themselves in those memories. A fallen angel's biggest weakness is one of their feathers. If a feather is burned, the original owner of the feather will be chained in Hell for eternity. Otherwise, fallen angels are nearly as indestructible as Angels and Archangels.”

I fell back into the chair and rubbed a hand over my mouth, letting everything I read process in my mind. Everything correlated to what I’ve noticed with Lethia especially the part of her not being able to feel anything.

There’d been a few times when it seemed like my touch meant nothing to her. But when we kissed, it seemed as if she could feel that.

The feathers.

Even though I tried to deny what I’d seen when I picked up the feather today, I knew that it was true what I’d seen.

But how come I hadn’t seen anything when I picked up the first feather?

Hunching back over towards the computer screen, I read more into the section about fallen angel feathers.

“The more fallen angel feathers you touch, the stronger your connection to their memories is.”

With a purse of my lips, I rummaged around the desk looking for my lyric book where I had stashed the first feather, using it as a bookmark. The other feather was still in my pocket, weighing heavily with the fear of what I would see next. My heart was pounding so loud I could hear it in my ears and feel it in my throat. It was suffocating, this feeling clawing its way inside of me, threatening to pull me under.

Did I want to do this?

Was I ready for what I could potentially see?

Granted, I had to take everything I read online with a grain of salt because it could have been a bunch of made-up bullshit. But with it correlating to not only my grandma’s story but things I’ve noticed about Lethia, there had to be some truth to it all.

“Fuck it,” I muttered while grabbing the feather in my lyric notebook at the same time I grabbed the one in my pocket.

Darkness lingered at the corners of not only my vision but my mind as well. It dragged me under with no warning to the dark depths of what I could only assume was Lethia’s mind.

My body landed with a thud to the cool wetness of the grass below me and quickly scrambling to my knees, I took in the vast empty field that went on for miles. Brightly colored trees lined the edge of the field and it was so quiet here that I could hear my blood running through my veins.

“My love. I've been waiting for you.”

Whirling around on my heels, I took in the sight of a tall man with skinny but large white wings extended from his back. His black hair was a mess of curls in front of his eyes and the dark levis hung low on his hips. The sheer brightness of his green eyes was almost eerie and I felt as if he could see straight into my soul.

But he didn’t. It was as if he didn’t see me when he walked past me, over towards a lone figure lying in the grass a few meters away from me.

Long golden, almost white, strands of hair fell around her shoulders as she sat up, bright eyes staring back at the man who was slowly closing the distance. I swallowed thickly when I recognized that face.

It wasn’t the way I knew her but it was still her.

Lethia.

“Lucifer. You know you’re not supposed to be here,” she quickly rose to her feet, taking a step back from him.

He stood in front of her shirtless, the defining muscles of his chest and stomach tightening as he stuffed his hands deep into his pockets.

So her ex actually was Lucifer.

What the fuck did you just step into, Noah?

“I snuck away from the King for a moment. I needed to see you,” Lucifer tried to reach for her.

Lethia smacked his hands away before running a shaking one of hers through her long hair. I then noticed she also had her wings exposed; large and as white as her hair.

“We cannot be seen together! If the King finds out we’ve been together, he will banish us; or worse.”

Lucifer chuckled darkly then pulled Lethia into his arms; her going willingly.

I gritted my teeth at the jealousy that coursed through me, trying to tell myself that it was a very long time ago and it didn’t mean anything; not anymore.

“My sweet Oblivion. The King wouldn’t banish his number one soldier. If he lost you, who would tear out the wings of the ones who went against him?”

My blood ran cold at Lucifer's words. I knew that the first memory I saw had something to do with Lethia but I never put two and two together. She was the one who ripped out the angel's wings.

“I did horrible things back home and how could I ever be allowed back?

Her words from the last night made more sense now than they did when she first uttered them.

“I cannot,” Lethia tried to fight against his grasp but ultimately gave in.

“One more night. After tonight, I’ll let you be,” Lucifer’s fingers linked behind her neck, tilting her lips up towards him.

“We both know we cannot stay away from each other,” she uttered before pulling him down to the grass with him.

My eyes snapped open with a gulp of air and I gazed around the room of my studio, making sure that I was still alone. It took me some time to get my breath back to normal and my heart back to a steady pace.

I slammed both of the feathers in my lyric book and hid it in the far back of the closet in the room, hoping no one else would find it. Those feathers held too much power and if I lost them, the looming fear of what could happen taunted me.

“If an angel's feather is burned, they become changed to Hell for all eternity,” I reiterated the words I read earlier.

Whether or not that part was true, I couldn’t risk it.

Letting out a long breath, I shut down the computer and slowly slipped out of the studio, going upstairs to my bedroom unnoticed by Jesse and Michael who were still watching the movie. This time when I stopped in front of my room, I noticed the door was shut so I was quiet as I stepped inside, finding a sleeping Lethia cuddled under the mounds of blankets on my bed.

I stood there for a long moment, staring at her back as it faced me, wondering what the scars looked like again underneath her shirt.

My shirt.

I had offered her to wear anything of mine and it seemed like she took me up on that offer.

It was clear who she was running from. Lucifer. He wanted her back for reasons unknown to me but it was clear she didn’t want to go with him.

I moved around my room quietly to change into a pair of sweats, opting not to sleep in a shirt only because it got extremely hot in my room during these summer nights, even with the air conditioner on.

Softly, I got into bed behind Lethia as the faint breaths coming from her filled the air. For the first while, I laid on my back and stared up at my ceiling but when I noticed she didn’t move away, I turned to my side but still kept space between us. The heat from her body radiated around me, pulling me into her aura and I found myself never wanting to leave.

Even though I knew what she was now, I wouldn’t tell Lethia I knew. This was something she needed to tell me when she was ready.

Instead, I wrapped my arm around her midsection and pulled her into my chest. Although she might not be able to feel my touch, that didn’t stop me from running my nose along the crook of her neck, breathing in the scent of her. She must have showered because she smelled of peaches and a hint of something familiar.

Me.

I faintly smelled my shampoo in her skin and I hummed in pleasure.

“What happened to the wall of pillows?” Lethia’s tired voice broke through the silence.

I knew she was teasing when I heard her smile with her words.

“This is much better than a wall of pillows,” I mused while I caressed her neck with my lips.

Lethia relaxed in my arms as she gave herself over to me and linked my fingers that rested on her stomach with hers and I wrapped my leg over hers, locking her in place.

“Goodnight, Noah,” she murmured into the pillow.

“Sweet dreams, Lethia,” I pressed a kiss to her head, finally letting the long day falter away with the darkness that swallowed us whole.

#noah sebastian #bad omens #noah sebastian fanfiction #noah sebastian smut #noah sebastian angst #noah sebastian x fallenangel!oc #mercy noah sebastian

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