#and i have to remind myself 'yes because you're buying more food than usual so you don't have to call for a ride back to store sooner'

[fluffyeddybear]

I have to get over this weird guilt of spending money on food.

[alittleprincehwa]

txt headcanons  ─  ੈ♡˳ you’re extremely famous

alexa play ─  ੈ♡˳ fairy of shampoo by tomorrow x together

─  ੈ♡˳ choi soobin

he’d be so awed whenever he thinks of you

his eyes would have sparkles while he happily smiles

sometimes giggles to himself

( the members think he’s insane )

gets all cuddly and soft when he’s around you

constantly blushing

obeys to everything you say

and you have to remind him constantly that its okay to say no

which he always forgets and continues to say yes-

binge watch all your music videos

secretly watches crack videos of you when he misses you 

when your on tour and he’s not he’ll miss you so much

miss all your warm cuddles and small kisses

( a / n : i swear i’m making myself cry )

but before you go to tour 

which usually lasts for 6 months to maybe a whole year

he’ll make sure to pack you 10 of his hoodies that have his scent

and be clingy the week before

seeing you collab with other big artists ( like BTS, EXO, Twice, etc,,, )

makes him so proud

a little jealous if you get too close with other artists

always there if you get nervous or anxious before an event

if he isn’t there with you he’d call you

“ It’s okay babe, just breathe with me okay? “

“ Just remember, after all of this, we’ll cuddle for hours okay? I’ll cook you some ramen when you come home. “

if he’s with you

he’ll tightly hold your hand while grazing his thumb over your knuckles

hugs you backstage before the event happens

wishes you the best of luck

so in conclusion-

I don’t think he minds that much

although there maybe some effects

like stuttering sometimes, gets all fluffy, etc,,,

but overall, he’d just look up to you

as a girlfriend and as an idol

─  ੈ♡˳ choi yeonjun

we all know he admires his sunbaenims ( BTS ) 🥺

so having you as his girlfriend always makes his heart flutter

( as cheesy as it sounds )

always be the one to first stand up and applaud when you win an award

making it even more obvious you're in a relationship

always compliments you 

pretty much won’t treat you different if you weren’t an idol

as cocky as he looks outside

when you two have skinship his heart goes boom boom everytime

always wishes you luck with a kiss on the hand

( Ah yes, cry over that. )

when you go on tour he’ll miss you so so much

probably takes the chance and tries to beg the manager to let him come along

which is always a no-

calls you whenever he has the time

texts you what he’s doing almost every minute

frequent skype calls

talks about his day while touches your face

( a.k.a the screen )

maybe the skype call,,,you know,,,escalates

anyways-

your hype man

hypes tf out of you on weverse

spams you every time you have a concert and he can’t go

“ I’m gonna non-stop watch you’re fancams 😤 “

“ Shit babygirl, this is what you wear when I’m not around? 🥴 “

“ So proud of you today !! (❁´◡`❁) “

( ikr the mood swings )

admires your beautiful face shdhsh

even if he knows a crackhead lies beneath

the first one to drown you in love when you get home

dosen’t let you breathe because

he needs hugs

dosen’t let go ever aGAIN

─  ੈ♡˳ choi beomgyu

gets even more comfortable with you since he can relate to you

he’s your support or shoulder to cry on whenever you’re too stressed out about a certain lyric or choreography

and vice versa

helps you whenever he can

practices with you 

your #1 supporter

buys all your albums

merch

even lightstick

you name it

sweet babie even attends your concerts 🥺

and brings the others with him

vip of course

he gets all blushy whenever you look at him

esPECIALLY

when you look directly at him while singing

after the concert, backstage;

non stop hugging you

telling you how good you were today

just some boyfriend things 🥺

usual dates take place at the dorms or your apartment

since dispatch is a bitch

order some food and just watch movies all day

while snuggling with each other 😔

─  ੈ♡˳ kang taehyun

he knew what he was getting himself into when he established a relationship with you

so he promised to be your pillar

and that’s honestly the sweetest thing ever-

cheers you up when you're about to do a concert

watches you with pure adoration

takes notes

gives you feedback later

and you of course thank him for it 😔

since he loves photography

he'll hand you some polaroids of him or the both of you

so you can look at them when you're in tour

which is like

so pRECIOUS 😭🥺

he also keeps polaroids of you since he'll miss you so much

shdjsjhdhf

calls are regularly scheduled based on where you are

would stay up till two am just to talk to you 💕

hugs you with all his might when you arrive after months

hug? More like strangle-

─  ੈ♡˳ huening kai

always questions how he came to date someone so glorious

even if you're younger than him

he sees your performances and always goes :0

asks you your ways and wants you to teach him 🥺

goes uwu everytime you help him

gets really pouty when you have to go to tour

constant texts from him

mostly to remind you to take care of yourself

and secretly slips an " I love you " 🥺

his long arms and legs will just wrap around you when you two reunite

shyly kisses your cheeks since he can't help it 😔

probably your crackhead side will show up and you two dolphins will just have a blast

I'm sorry this is short I've run out of ideas 😔👉👈

a / n : and it's done !! My motivation just flew out the window--

[24hour-blues]

all the ones you haven't answered yet? i'm sorry you're sad💙

thank you, that's very sweet. i hope you're doing alright ���

1. when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? - more milk. i always end up putting too much.

2. do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? - yes

3. what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? - library receipts, post-its, junk mail, pencils

5. are you self-conscious of your smile? - i think it’s one of the few things i’m not self-conscious about, actually. i like my smile.

8. what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? - writing, often poetry but sometimes prose. i like creating playlists, too, and singing.

9. do you like singing/humming to yourself? - yeah, i sing to myself all the time. whatever song i have stuck in my head at the moment.

10. do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? - side, but very occasionally my stomach.

12. what’s your favorite planet? - jupiter

14. if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? - lots of pillows and blankets of all types. succulents and cacti on the windowsills. wooden utensils and dark cabinets in the kitchen. a breakfast bar with stools that don’t match. rugs with funky patterns. a big, soft couch in a bright color that you can sink into. a small balcony with fold-out chairs. rows of mugs and barely any plates. the bathroom crowded with makeup and skin products, writing on the mirror in blue marker. beds never made. a guitar in the corner of the sitting room.

15. go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! - there are more trees on earth than stars in the milky way

16. what’s your favorite pasta dish? - angel hair pasta with puttanesca sauce

18. tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. - i can’t think of anything...

19. do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? - everything. sometimes it’s big things, sometimes small. my fears and what i’m in love with. regrets. shame. hope.

20. what’s your favorite eye color? - grey

21. talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. - idk if it’s really my favorite, but my current backpack took me all through college and it’s good for storing stuff or using as an overnight bag. it’s from timberland and is a nice earthy brown with a flap over the top. lots of pockets.

22. are you a morning person? - i can be

23. what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? - make breakfast and tea. read or watch a movie that makes me rethink everything

25. what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? - a school, i think?

26. what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? - i haven’t had them forever, but i wear my doc martens with everything. i used to wear plain white keds with everything.

27. what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? - winter green

28. sunrise or sunset? - sunrise

30. think of it: have you ever been truly scared? - yes

31. what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. - i like soft, fluffy socks and ones with fun patterns. i love hiking socks. i don’t wear them to sleep tho.

32. tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. - i went to a waffle house at 5am with a friend and some friends of hers i’d just met on her birthday. we were all really drunk, the food took forever, and it tasted awful, but we were happy and laughing.

33. what’s your fave pastry? - probably a cinnamon roll

35. do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? - i like a good calligraphy pen and new notebooks. i don’t use them often; i feel like i don’t have anything important enough to write.

37. do you like keeping your room messy or clean? - it’s usually clean unless i’m not feeling well. sometimes i get disorganized.

38. tell us about your pet peeves! - overlapping conversations. people interrupting others. loud mouth noises, like chewing or licking. people criticizing my driving. nitpicky comments on my clothes or how i look. being talked about.

39. what color do you wear the most? - black, probably.

41. what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? - how it feels to float by helena fox

42. do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! - nope

43. who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? - i’m not sure

44. when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? - i can’t remember

45. do you trust your instincts a lot? - not really

46. tell us the worst pun you can think of. - i can’t remember it but something about pigeons and being coo-l

47. what food do you think should be banned from the universe? - bacon. i just wanna make people angry.

48. what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? - my dad told me a story once, about when i was a kid. he said that he and i were walking together near the lake in the neighborhood across from mine. i was holding his hand, and i said to him that this was the happiest time in my life because i wouldn't be the same when i grew out of being a child. i think i have the same fear now--that i'll never be that happy again.

49 do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

- i like records but i only have one. it's an album by ccr. i really like them

50. what’s an odd thing you collect?

- beer bottle caps

52. what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

- maybe those "girl..." text posts that just say stupid shit

53. have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?

- watched them all but pulp fiction. i don't really remember heathers at all

55. what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?

- lets not talk about that

57. go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?

- not in the mood sorry

58. who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? - bri is wine mom. quincy and i are vodka aunt.

60. do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

- yes but i rarely remember favorites. i read so much and feel it then forget all the words

61. what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?

- someone gave me a rock once. i get too nervous to give stupid gifts

62. do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?

- orange or cranberry

63. are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?

- i'm more fussy about music than books, but i do like my books organized. i like them worn in and well-read tho, not in perfect shape.

64. what color is the sky where you are right now?

- a fuzzy, light blue-grey. it's snowing

65. is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with?

- a few

66. what would your ideal flower crown look like?

- lots of green leaves in all different shapes and sizes. tiny white and blue flowers.

67. how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

- isolated and insignificant. safe

68. what’s winter like where you live?

- cold, grey, snowy.

69. what are your favorite board games?

- idk if i really too many board games. maybe cranium. i like puzzles more

71. what’s your favorite kind of tea?

- honey vanilla chamomile

72. are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?

- yea and even then i forget.

73. what are some of your worst habits?

- i give up too easily

74. describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

- excitable. emotional. so very smart. creative as all hell. self-conscious where they shouldn't be. never runs out of words in the best way. loves to share.

75. tell us about your pets!

- my dog shiver is turning into a little old man, but he still acts like a puppy. he likes attention and whines to communicate. he'll greet you at the door and put his front paws on your thighs to say hi. follows you all around the house. loves to cuddle.

- my pigeon spirit is young and vocal. she coos for attention. when i go to sleep, she grunts every time i move to ask where i am and if i'm okay. i take showers with her and sit on the tile; she puffs up right into my side and sticks her wings out for me to splash water on her. she likes to be close to me to get neck scritches and push her head into my neck and preen every bit of me she can.

76. is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?

- a lot probably

77. pink or yellow lemonade?

- limeade

78. are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

- i dunno they're cute

80. what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

- it's white wallpaper with pink roses along the top and ribbons of pink and green striped vertically. my mom chose it before i was born.

81. describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

- they sort of remind me of dark water where everything is reflected back in it--not just the sky but the trees and people walking--and they make you want to look closer because you know there's something in there, it's not just a reflection, like flat glass. but it's hidden until you dio your hand in the pictures broken.

82. are/were you good in school?

- pretty good

83. what’s some of your favorite album art?

- i don't look at albums

85. do you read comics? what are your faves?

- not really, but watchmen is one of my favorites.

86. do you like concept albums? which ones?

- dunno

88. are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

- um. idrk. i like whatever monet was doing.

91. where do you plan on traveling this year?

- maybe michigan

92. are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?

- i like cheese

93. what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?

- i just kind of. let it do whatever.

94. who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

- my uncle

95. what are your plans for this weekend?

- honestly have no clue

96. do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?

- put them off until windows tells me it's restarting the computer in five minutes

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

- mb

98. when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?

- in college with jacob, although i wouldn't really call it joking. we just walked through a state park. it was beautiful.

100. if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

- idk. i feel like i'd make the same mistakes if i went back, but the future scares me.

[5-seconds-of-fuck-me-please]

I Do. (Post 1/2) (part 1 of ?)

Ashton.

"I just want a nice, normal guy to sweep me off my feet, and support my carmel vanilla coffee addiction. Is that so much to ask?!"

My best friend gave me an amused glance before dropping her gaze back towards her phone. I swear, that girl could hold two conversations face to face, surf facebook, and hold a buisness Skype call, all at the same time. A.D.D., they name is Rae.

"I've set you up on five dates so far, and you havent lasted longer then ten minutes with any of them," she countered. "So how about this...you tell me your dream guy, and I'll work off of that."

I sighed, tapping my foot nervously against the metal rung of the coffee shop table. I was always fidgeting. Whether it was shaking my foot, drumming my nails along the table, or pacing aimlessly around, I was always moving.

"I don't know," I sighed out on a breath. Picking up my iced vanilla, butterscotch, and chai latte, I took a sip before responding. "Dont you know anyone that actually has a life?"

Rae glanced up at me, cocking an eyebrow. "A life? Like, the other 5 were dead?"

I groaned. "The first guy had the ambition of a goldfish. Second guy wanted me to move into his mother's basement with him. Third guy was perfectly content to be a cashier th erest of his life and didnt want to even think about making more than minimum wage or he would loose government assistance.....shall I go on?"

Rae gave a throaty chuckle, causing three random guys to stop their conversations and look her way. She just had that way about her.

"Tell you what," she mused out loud. "Since the last five was a complete disaster, and I thought they would have been perfect for you, the next guy I pick will be the one who I think you'll hate the most. So.... Here's what I want from you. You pick what you want him to wear. You pick if you want flowers or not. And you pick the place to meet for drinks, dinner, movie...whatever. deal?"

I thought about it for a moment, the shrugged. "Fine. I want to come here. This coffee shop. No flowers. No expectations. I'll even pay for the both of our drinks. But he has to have a job. A good job. Or at least have a goal in mind," I amended.

Rae nodded. "Tell me more. Actually, tell me your dream. What's your fantasy date for this coffee. Close your eyes and describe the guy to me. What is he wearing. What does he look like. What is he drinking?"

I laughed, but saw the amusement in her eyes. Deciding to play along, I closed my eyes and tilted my head slightly back.

"White button down shirt with the sleeves rolled back a bit. Nice jeans, probably faded with a hole in the leg," I laughed out. "Gorgeous smile because he laughs a whole lot and has an amazing sense of humor. Eyes that are kind and sparkle. Shaggy hair that probably falls into his eyes...." I trailed off.

"Sounds like quite the catch," Rae laughed out on a breath. She sounded amused, which kind of worried me a bit.

I opened my eyes and glanced at her. "Why do you sound like you just ate a canary?"

Rae's eyes sparkled as she tried to suppress a smile. "I know who would be perfect for you, and...he should be here in about two minutes."

My jaw dropped to the floor. "What?! Theres no way you could have called someone and set it up so fast. You had this planned!" I shrieked. Not because she set me up, but because she didnt warn me.

I was dressed in my -I dont give a shit, today is my day off- clothes. A pair of faded dark grey sweatpants with a hole in the left knee, dark green jumper with a faded brand logo running down the arm, and hair unbrushed and tossed into a messy bun. Plus I was still wearing yesterdays makeup which had faded to a lovely raccoon inspired look.

"This wasnt a setup," she argued lovingly, tossing her hands up to her side quickly. "Swear it. You know i was meeting a few friends here today. One of them would be perfect for you."

I eyed her warily. "The so-called friends that are mysteriously out of the country doing something tha you refuse to tell me, along with their names? The ones who you are best friends with...yet I know nothing about, and we have been best friends since middle school?!" I mused, scrunching my nose up at the thought.

Granted, my and Rae are best friends for over 15 years now, but there was a random 2 year period where were were heavily into the party and drug scene. We kinda split ways and didnt talk for 2 years, then both of us, separately, decided to get our lives in order and somehow reconnected as if nothing had happened.

Strange how life works out.

"They aren't...." I trailed off.

"They were, " she nodded. "Not anymore tho. I used to hang out and binge with them tho. They cleaned their lives up as well. Just took them longer."

I nodded, glancing down at my almost empty iced coffee as I dragged my nails along the styrofoam, making patterns on the cup. "I'm willing to give it a go I guess. Coffee never hurt anyone, right?"

"Right," she agreed, glancing down once again to her phone to resume whatever multi-conversation she was having.

I didnt realize until a few minutes later that I was humming and singing along the the songs playing over the cafe speakers.

"Do you like this band?" She asked randomly, not taking her focus from her phone.

"Love them," I remarked, not really paying attention. "I just got their new album yesterday actually."

She made a small chuckle. "Let me guess then...you were always a guitar or lead singer chick. So.... Luke?"

I grinned, breaking my gaze away from all the pretty little designs my nails etched into my now empty coffee cup. " Usually , yes you would have been correct. And while he is hot, as is the othe guitarist...my heart lies elsewhere in the band."

"Bassist?" She chanced, finally placing her phone down and looking up. Her eyes darted over my shoulder, then came back to focus on my face. A grin broke out, smile so wide it reminded me of the Cheshire cat.

"Um, nooo," I drawled. "I actually seemed to be drawn to.....why the hell are you staring a time like that?!" I asked, breaking the conversation. "You look fucking creepy."

Her eyes seemed to dart over my shoulder again to where the cashier counter was, then back to me again. "So the drummer then?" She mused, not bothering to hide the grin. "You have a thing for the drummer?"

I continued to stare at her, trying to puzzle out what the hell was making her act so weird. "Yeah...?" I dragged out.

"Hmmm, and why would that be? I'm honestly curious. Usually you always go for the guitar rock-God type for looks."

I cocked my head to the side. "You really want an answer?"

Rae grinned again. Nodding her head emphatically. "Oh yes. Please, by all means."

I shrugged, taking the last small sip from my coffee. "He always seemed the most put together. Knows how to laugh, but always seems polite. Has an amazing voice, but would rather be in the background playing his heart out. And he gives out total Daddy vibes," I joked. "Plus, he is seriously hot. They all are in that band actually."

Rae burst out laughing, covering her mouth with both hands. I swear, tears started to form in her eyes.

I just stared at her. "Seriously Rae, what has gotten into you today?! What's so funny?"

Her eyes darted behind me once again, but this time she nodded. I didnt even have a chance to turn around to see what she was looking at before an arm snaking over my shoulder, placing a styrofoam cup in front of me.

"You can call me Daddy if you feel the need to, but I prefer Ashton on a first date," a voice said.

I closed my eyes tightly, slowly opening them as panic filled me. My eyes traveled from the coffee, up to a bare forearm dusted in dark golden hair, to a shoulder and chest that had a white button shirt...sleeves rolled back.

Damn, but did Rae tell him how to dress?

He smirked at my dazed expression, while Rae finally got herself under control. "I didnt tell him," she rasped out, still trying to hide the amusement as she spoke. " He really was randomly dressed like that to come here."

Ashton raised a brow as he pulled up a chair, leaning over to give Rae a quick one-armed hug before sitting on the chair backwards between us.

He reached over, palm up while smiling at me. "She did however, demand that I randomly walk in and order you a vanilla butterscotch coffee without even telling me your name, or why I was buying you one. I'm being set up on a date, I take it?" He questioned again, glancing to Rae for affirmation before looking back at me, then down to his still extended hand. "Do I get a name? Or should I introduce myself again?"

I shook my head, trying to snap out of the surreal experience going on. Placing my hand in his, I cleared my throat. "You're Daddy, right?" I smirked, trying to fight the blush rising on my face. God, but do I hope he can take the joke.

His face split into a grin, laugh bursting out of his lips. "I like her," he chuckled, looking over to Rae. " This one actually knows what a joke is."

I grinned at that as he looked back at me. "I take it that Rae has tried setting you up before as well?" I questioned.

He nodded, a faint smile still gracing his lips. "One girl who decided living in her car way her dream goal. One who only ate foods that were yellow. And one who wanted to be a psychologist because she didnt understand how people laughed or why we smile at things."

My eyes went wide. "Wow. And here I thought I had it bad with the guy who only showered on days it rained cause that's how the bathtub got refilled."

Ashton let out another bark of laughter, breaking eye contact to speak to Rae once again. " You suck at setting people up. You know that?"

She raised a brow at that, stopping her cup of coffee in mid air before she could take a sip. "Oh, so should I not have introduced the two of you?" She asked, feigning a look of hurt. "And here I thought you were getting along fairly well."

Ashton shook his head. "Are you kidding me? this girl is horrible! Wont tell me her name, wont call me by mine, and she laughs at everything I say!" He rambled out. A small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth, but he didnt stop looking at her.

"And he isnt the greatest catch either, " I added. "Eavesdropped a private conversation, assumed I wanted him to pay for something. I didn't ask for without asking me. And he wont let me go," I added, flicking my gaze down to our still entwined hands.

Rae nodded, a huge, fake sight escaping past her parted lips. " okay, I give up. Sorry to waste your time, Ash. I'll take her home and be back in a few minutes to catch up with you all. I assume the others are on the way?" She asked, standing up and motioning for me to follow.

Ashton shook his head. " They are on the way. But you cant take her."

Without warning, he turned and licked a wet line up my jaw. "I licked her. Shes mine now."

My jaw dropped open, but rae looked amused. "Are you gunna pee on her too?"

He turned to look at me finally, slightly swaying our hands back and forth. "Is that your kink?"

"What?! No! Why would you ask that?!"

He shrugged. "Well, I know you have a Daddy kink, just had to be sure."

"I do NOT have a Daddy kink!" I hissed out, trying to pull my hand out from his grasp. "And why the hell did you lick me?"

He was having none of it. Keeping hold of my hand, he slowly brought it up to his lips and kissed the back of my hand before finally releasing his hold. "Cause I wanted to see what you tasted like. Vanilla, I like it." He winked.

"You do have a daddy kink," Rae interjected, laughing through her words. "I'm going to go get another coffee and grab 2 other tables for the guys. You two enjoy yourselves."

Ashton glanced at me before looking at Rae. "If I did that, we would be arrested and barred from this shop."

I think my heart stopped. Was I breathing?

"Mind if I go grab myself a drink?"

I blinked, trying to focus on his face once again. "Didn't you just order one while you were up there?"

He shook his head. "Only ordered yours. I wasnt sure if I wanted to stay once she told me she had a girl with her for me to meet."

"And now you are sure you want to stay?" I questioned.

He smiled. A sweet smile that lit up his eyes. "I think you are fucking perfect."

I blushed at that. "Yeah, right. Cause messy girl with raccoon eyes in your kink, right?"

He gave me an amusing look. "Like a guy in jeans and a white shirt is yours?" He retorted. A small sigh left his lips as he pulled out his phone and scrolled through a few messages. Once he found what he was looking for, he stopped and put the phone down on the table in front of me.

Raelyn- her fantasy sounds like you, in a white button down and a pair of worn out skinny Jean's. Just get your asses here!

Ash-and you are so sure I would like her? I sisnt agree to another date with your wacky high maintenance friends. They just want a sugar daddy.

Raelyn- shes sitting here in pajamas, messy hair, and yesterdays makeup. And she insists on buying our coffees every week. Still wanna pass her up?

Ash- ....be there in 5.

Raelyn- get her a butterscotch vanilla iced coffee.

Ash- thought she didnt want people to buy her shit?

Raelyn- then get it for me.

Ash- do I have to buy flowers or anything?

Raelyn- only if you want her to hit you with them.

Ash- I like her already.

I glanced up at Ashton, a small smile gracing my face. "So I guess it's my turn to buy you a coffee?"

He shrugged, swinging his leg back over the chair to sit down backwards on it once again. "If you insist. Pick whatever you think I would like."

I grinned this time. " whipped cream, cherries, and handcuffs?" I joked.

He beamed at me. "Nah, that's the second date. And woulsnt you know it....you already know what to call me then," he teased.

I laughed, walking away to get him a drink. I slid up alongside Rae, elbowing her in the side gently. "Are the other three coming?"

She smiled at me. "Yeah, be here any minute."

The barista asked up for our orders, while I pushed Rae's card back towards her. "I got them."

"That's 7 drinks you are paying for today," she reminded me.

"Glad your good at math," I remarked. "You can get the next round. And if they like me as a friend and we hang out in the future we can all take turns. If not, then I get to say that they are forever indebted to me. Win-win I say."

She shrugged, but didnt argue. "Fair play, that. I'll go shove the tables together and be back to help you carry them all."

But it wasnt her who came back over when the order was ready. It was Michael.

"HI," he practically yelled, squeezing me in a tight bear hug. "I'm Michael. Or Mike. Whatever."

"You seem overly happy to meet a stranger, " I laughed out, hugging him back just as tight before letting go.

"You made ashton happy," he shrugged, a huge smile on his face. "Anyone who can make his smile in the first few minutes of meeting him...especially lately, deserves to be treated like the fucking queen they are."

My brows shot up at that. "I'm a queen now. High praise. Does that make you the court jester?" I asked, handing him a cardboard tray with 4 drinks in it.

He grinned. "Sure. Anything else you wish me to carry, m'lady?"

I laughed and gave a curtsey. "Not at this time, good sir. Go forth and conquer the bistro que!"

Michael laughed, draping an arm across my shoulder while walking back to the now full tables. He set his 4 drinks down, then took one out of my hand and gave it to Rae before distributing the 4 he had.

"They're marked, and we all drink the same shit every time we go out," he explained. "The one you have is the only one I dont recognize so I assumed it is yours."

I shook my head and resumed my seat next to Ashton, with Luke next to me on the other side now. Michael and Calum were sat across from me. "Its for Ashton actually. He bought me my coffee and forgot to get his own."

"Trying to ditch her," Calum asked.

"Nope." Ashton stated. Simple. Direct. One word.

"Finally found a girl that will put up with your crazy-ass for longer than 10 minutes?" Like remarked.

"Gunna marry this one, mate," Ashton laughed out.

"Shit, you move fast," Michael snorted. "And here I was being engaged for over a year already. What am I doing wrong?"

"You actually asked your fiancee," Luke answered. "Ashton will just be standing in front of the magistrate with a blowup doll."

Everyone laughed, including me Ashton fake pouted, poking me in the side before lacing his fingers through mine. My heart gave a little flitter, but I didnt pull away.

"Come on, Love, you're supposed to defend our relationship!"

I chuckled. "Yes sir. Would you like to get married now, sir? I think I still have my old bicycle pump in my garage if you need it. And some duct tape in case your fiancee gets a hole."

He threw his head back and laughed, tightening his grip on my hand. Not hard, but in acknowledgment that it was a good laugh. "Fuck the lot of you."

"Damn, already cheating on me. And with three other men no less," I crooned, pouting my lips.

That caused another round of laughter.

"I think I'm in love with your girlfriend, " Calum huffed out. "She knows how to give back shit we dish out."

"Dont be hitting on my wife," Ashton fake growled. "I worked hard on this relationship!"

"Oh yeah? What's her name?" Rae jumped in, bemused laughter lacing each word.

A slow silence fell across the table, followed by abrupt laughter for everyone.

"Oh. My. God. You didnt even ask her what her name is yet?!" Michael bellowed, tears forming in his eyes. "I can see it now. The priest standing there like do you take this girl for your wife? And you being like, who's that?"

"Fuck all of you," Ashton gasped out through laughter again. "I'm gunna marry her one day and then shes gunna kick your asses for making fun of me."

I grinned, reaching over to poke my finger into his dimple. "Yeah? I'll kick their asses for you if you ask, darling." I agreed. "Just as soon as you get my attention and ask me. Oooh, right. You can't. Dont know my name," I beamed.

He threw back his head and chuckled. "Fuck you too, sweetheart," he remarked, leaning over to place a quick kiss to my cheek.

"Only if you scream my name out while you do," I joked.

"Fuck, but do I love a smart mouth," he agreed.

The conversation flowed easily. Two more rounds of drinks were bought over the course of a few hours, until the cafe was getting ready to close.

We all agreed to meet up next weekend, have enjoyed each others company and realizing the six of us were going to be amazing friends.

"Can we bring our girls next week?" Luke asked.

"Hell yeah " I agreed readily. "Me and Rae need all the help we can get against you four."

[cassnottiel]

hiya!! i don't know if you're still taking story prompts and if not you could totally ignore this!! but maybe a agents of shield story where deke is pansexual but sort of doesn't realize homophobia is a thing? like, so much shit is in the future of all the problems they had that isn't one. and he's so casual about it but then someone is an asshole about it and he's like wtf?

Deke Shaw never really put thought into what kind of person he would want to be with, he was usually too busy trying not to die to think about romance.  He had a thing with Tess, but then a bunch of people came from the past and messed up his life and he didn't get to talk to her at all.  He also had a thing with Virgil at one point, but then he died. 

So now Deke was in the past, and his life wasn't constantly in danger.  He could breathe fresh air and figure out how to live a normal life.

Deke traveled the world and loved every second of it.  The amount of disposable cameras he now owns is approaching double digits.  The film's are filled with pictures of beautiful scenery he's explored and people he's met. 

"Can I get a picture?"  Deke whispered one morning, a sleepy smile on his face as he reached for his backpack.

Jerome, Dekes companion from the night before and a fellow traveler, looked away from the sunrise out the window and smiled back at him.  "You're an odd man, you know?"

"Is that a yes?"  Deke sat up and the sheets fell down to his waist.  He raised the camera with a wider smile.

Jerome laughed softly and looked back out the window, "get my good side."

Deke beamed and snapped a photo.  He looked down at the camera for a second, and when he looked up Jerome was crawling back onto the bed.  Deke snapped another photo and they both laughed.  Jerome placed his hand on Dekes and lowered the camera as he leaned over for a kiss.

Deke dropped the camera to put his hands on the back of Jerome's neck and pull him closer.  There was another click and Deke pulled away to see the camera in Jerome's hand and pointed toward the two of them.  They both laughed again before tossing the camera aside and diving back into each other.

- - -

"So, where are you off to after this?"  Deke asked as they ate breakfast together.  Southern France was beautiful, the sun shining down on them on the patio.

"The Netherlands," Jerome sipped his coffee and sat back in his chair, "and then Italy, and then back home to the States.  You?"

Deke wiped his face with a napkin.  "This is my last stop in Europe.  I'm going to Dubai, then working my way east to Indonesia to see the stingrays."

Jermone raised an eyebrow and took another bite of his omelette.  "Stingrays, nice."  He fished a pen out of his pocket and took out a clean napkin, then started writing.  "Send me some of those pictures when you get them printed, will you?"

Deke smiled and read the phone number.  He folded the napkin and put it in his pocket.  "Sure thing.  Have fun in the Netherlands."

"Have fun with your stingrays."  They shared another smile.

Deke got one last picture of Jerome on the camera before they parted ways in an airport.

The rest of his travels were amazing.  There were way fewer mugging attempts than he thought would occur, and the stingrays were even more beautiful than he expected.

When Dekes plane landed back near Lake Ontario, he had so many souvenirs and cameras, he had to buy another bag in Japan to put them all in.

Walking into the Lighthouse with his two bags was bittersweet.  The world didn't end, Deke had spent weeks exploring the world and learning all the things he should have as a child.  But now we was walking into the place he grew up in, the place his mother was murdered, the apocalypse bunker before the apocalypse.

A few things had been cleaned out of his bunk; most of the books and food were gone, the things that were left were in organized stacks.  A note was left on top of the one box of Twinkies: clean your room.  -may.  Deke smiled as he read it and started unpacking. 

All his souvenirs were lined up neatly on one of the tables and his clothes were packed away in a dresser, so now he had a bunch of disposable cameras with no idea how he got the pictures.

"Hey, Deke," Daisy smiled with the greeting.  "How's the world?"

Deke lit up.  "It's amazing!  I love it here, it's so great."  He gestured wildly with his hands, and Daisy saw the camera in his hand.

"And you got pictures?  Awesome."  She started walking and he followed. 

"How do I get the pictures out?"  Deke asked, still confused by the cameras after weeks. 

Daisy blinked a few times, then shook her head.  "You have to get them developed in a shop.  I bet there's one up in the town, we can go out looking tomorro-oof-" she caught an armful of a thankful Deke.

River's End is a nice small town, everyone knew everyone else.  Deke loved it.  He never got to explore the town for fun, the first time he was drunk and the second time he was on a mission, so they didn't count.

"Alright," Daisy said when they stopped outside a drug store, "just go in with your cameras and ask if they can develop them.  There's a lot of them, so you'll probably get them in a week.  Pay in cash and meet me in the grocery store when you're done."

"I know how to take care of myself, Daisy."  Deke rolled his eyes and pushed the door open.  "I'll see you soon."

A bell sounded when the door closed and Deke happily walked up to the counter.

"Good morning, sir."  The old man at the counter smiled kindly.  "How can I help you?"

"I have some cameras, and I was wondering if you can develop the pictures on them?"  Deke said the words Daisy had him practice to the nice man.

The man, a Mr. Hansen, nodded.  "Yeah, we develop photos here.  How many?"

Deke lifted the bag of cameras, twenty two in total.  "A lot.  I'm sorry if it's too many."

"Not at all," Mr. Hansen smiled again, "it'll just take a little longer.  Fill out a paper and I can call you when they're done."

- - -

"People in this town are so nice."  Deke sidled up next to Daisy and started pushing the cart with her.

Daisy scoffed and stood back to look back at the grocery list.  "Small towns are always nice.  Until they find a stupid reason to hate you."

"What?"  Deke glanced back as they kept walking. 

"Small towns suck."  Daisy said blankly.  "People think they're just small communities where everyone knows and loves each other.  But really, everything is gossip and whoever doesn't fit the straight, white narrative is basically exiled."  She picked something off the shelf and placed it in the cart.  "That's everything."

Deke followed her to the checkout counters, mulling over her words.  He didn't know what a 'straight, white narrative' was, and he wasn't sure he wanted to.  Daisy's description of a small town reminded him of the Lighthouse; whoever the Kree didn't like, they either killed or exiled.  He was less excited about the quaint town of River's End.  He thought about Daisy's words for days, too afraid to ask what they meant.

After about a month, he still hadn't gotten a call about his pictures.  He didn't know how fast he was supposed to get them, but he was pretty sure it was faster than it was.

"How long does it usually take to develop pictures from a disposable camera?"  Deke asked as he spun around in a chair in the room with the big computers. 

"Like, a week.  Why?"  Daisy didn't look up from the keyboard.  "Didn't you get yours already?  I know there were a lot of them, but you should have them by now."

"No, I don't have them.  Is that weird?"  Deke stopped spinning.

"Probably," Fitz rolled his own chair over and took over a separate keyboard.  "Why would someone keep your pictures from you?"

Deke sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face.  "I don't know, and someone asked me to send them some.  Oh, God, he's gonna think I'm ignoring him!"

"Who?"  Daisy finlay looked up from her screen to help.

"Jerome," Deke clarified, "we met in France and I got a few pictures with him.  We really hit it off."

Fitz and Daisy shared a look and nobody said anything for a little bit. 

"What?"  Deke asked.

"Okay."  Daisy pushed her chair back, giving her full attention to the conversation.  "If I'm reading this right, you slept with this dude.  Correct?"

Deke felt a blush creep up his face and glanced at Fitz.  "Not in front of Bobo, dude."  Fitz smacked the back of his head.

It was Daisy's turn to scrub a hand down her face.  "Remember when I told you small towns suck?  And the whole straight, white narrative thing?"  When Deke nodded, she continued.  "I'm guessing the guy you gave the cameras to is homophobic and he doesn't want to print pictures of you two."

Fitz nodded along.  "That makes sense."  He looked at Deke and clapped him on the shoulder.  "I'm really sorry about this."

Deke gave them both looks of utter confusion.  "What the hell is homophobia?" 

"They . . . they had gay rights in the fascist future?"  Daisy asked quietly after another stretch of silence.  Fitz held back a laugh.

"It's when someone hates you for liking someone who's the same gender as you."  Fitz said after he composed himself.  "It's stupid and you should ignore anyone who treats you bad because of it."

"Or you can slash their tires." Daisy turned back to her keyboard. "Hate-crime them before they can hate-crime you first."

"Daisy!" Fitz snapped before addressing Deke again. "We'll go get your pictures tomorrow and find a new place to print them."

Deke nodded and looked over Daisy's shoulder at her screen. He leaned forward and whispered, "how do you slash someone's tires?"

"Don't answer that!"

[caranfindel]

Recap/review 14.11: “Damaged Goods”

THEN: Oh, good, we're going to have a Nick episode. I was hoping for that. (NOT.) Michael is trapped in Dean's internal walk-in. Billie has bad news related to that.

NOW: Nick interrogates a demon about another demon named Abraxis. The name sounds a little familiar and I waste a few seconds wondering where I've heard it before, but then I realize it's the demon who killed Nick's family and this has been Nick's entire focus and that's how little I care about Nick and his quest, that I couldn't even bother to remember who he was after. Anyway, he learns that the hunter who last dealt with Abraxis is in Hibbing. Oooh, who else do we know in Hibbing?

Title card!

Dean is packing. Books about angels. Tools. Work gloves. I was a little afraid we were going to ignore last week's horrifying revelation, and Dean would just sit on that information for a while. But he's wearing his Red Shirt of Bad Decisions, so we know the shit is going down tonight! \o/

He leaves the storeroom and kind of looks down the hallway, which is really insignificant the first time you watch this episode, but on rewatch you realize what he's thinking right here, and that he doesn't ever expect to see this hallway again... but I'm getting ahead of myself. He goes into the library, where Sam is quietly studying in the darkness (is that a new shirt? I like it). He ignores it when Sam asks how he's feeling. Dean tells Sam he appreciates that he's trying to help him, and Sam's all, yeah, what else would I do? He asks if Dean wants to join him, and they have this conversation.

Actually, I thought I'd go for a drive, you know, just me and Baby, long stretch of road. And figured I'd make it a two-fer, go see Mom at Donna's cabin.

Yeah, yeah, that sounds great. Be good to see them. Just let me find a stopping point and get packed up.

Actually, I was, uh, I was kind of hoping for some one-on-one time with Mom, if that's cool.

Yeah. Sure, yeah. Whatever you need.

And I thought this conversation was going to break my heart, because Sam clearly does NOT think this trip sounds great, but he's going to go anyway because it's what Dean wants/needs to do, and then Dean rejects that, and Sam's little face is going to do me in. And on rewatch, it kind of seems like Dean is stalling here, like he can't bring himself to leave (but again, I'm getting ahead of myself) AND THEN THIS HAPPENS.

Dean comes around behind Sam and HUGS HIM and says "take care, Sammy" and I'm just WHAAAAT. NO THIS IS NOT RIGHT. THIS IS SUCH A BAD, BAD SIGN, SAM WINCHESTER, AND YOU KNOW IT.

And also, there goes the rest of my heart.

Cut to Mary at the aforementioned cabin, talking to Sam on the phone. She says the cabin's been quiet since Bobby took off for a few days. The old "I need a little space after killing the ghoul version of my dead son" thing. Happens to the best of us. Sam tells her he's worried because Dean's acting so weird, and mentions the hug. Mary says "that's sweet," proving that she doesn't know her sons at all. Really, Mary, you've witnessed ONE hug between them. ONE. Sam points out that they don't hug unless it's "literally the end of the world," which isn't quite true. It would be more accurate to say "unless one of us is dying or just came back from the dead," which is slightly more frequent than the end of the world Either way, Mary assures him that everything will be fine. But as Sam's talking to her, he's walking through the storerooms in the bunker and he sees some books are missing.

(Sidebar: Why are these books kept in the storeroom and not the library? And why are regular tools apparently kept with supernatural paraphernalia? Couldn't that cause problems? What if a MoL novice was sent to Storeroom 2 for a reciprocating saw and he couldn't figure out why a saw would reciprocate or what that would look like and he came back with something he dug out of a curse box instead? I'm seeing all kinds of potential OSHA violations here.)

Now we see Dean enjoying a messy burger. Oh, he's with Donna! I love Dean and Donna, y'all. She tries to ask him about himself, but he keeps deflecting. Which doesn't fool her at all, and she finally says "just wondering if you've run out of ways to ask me how I'm doing, so as to avoid me repaying the favor." She knows about Michael, because of Sam. "What, has he got a freaking newsletter," Dean grumps. But I'm glad to see Sam's been talking to his support system, because in the past, he's not done that as often as he should.

Dean ends the conversation with the typical "I'm fine" nonsense and gives Donna one of those big hugs where he looks absolutely stricken while she can't see him and then plasters on a smile when they pull apart, and you KNOW how I love when he does that. He pulls away and says "I'll see ya." But it's pretty obvious Dean is on his farewell tour and never intends to see Donna again. It's also pretty obvious that Donna can tell something is up.

Dean pulls up to the cabin, which is seriously in need of some work on the roof, and immediately hears gunshots. It turns out to be Mary murdering some pumpkins for target practice. (SHE'S STILL GOT THAT LOCK OF TOO-LONG HAIR.) He tells her he wants to stick around for a couple of days, which surprises her. She suggests they call Sam to join them, but he says he wants to be "a little greedy with my Mom time." No, Dean, that's not suspicious at all. Jesus. (Or, as someone pointed out, Sorry Sam, but Mom was MY gift.)

Mary pushes it, and Dean comes right out and says "I don't want Sam here," and again, Dean, that's not suspicious at all. How is someone who lies professionally such a BAD liar? He explains his mood away by claiming to be hangry, even though he just finished the best burger in all of Minnesota, and tells Mary he wants the one thing she can cook, something called Winchester Surprise. She heads out to the grocery store, and doesn't suggest that the son who drove all this way to see her would want to ride along. Or maybe she does, and he refuses, and they just didn't show us that part. Anyway, the important thing is, Dean's alone and he has work to do.

He gets his bag out of the Impala and strides purposely into a large shed decorated with pictures of topless guys with 70s porn 'staches. The first one reminds me a LOT of Doug 2.0, so I laugh when Dean says "Well, Donna certainly has a type." Yes she does. He finds an 8-track player, of all things, but is interrupted by a sudden burst of Michael banging on his door. The tape he chooses is the Guess Who, and the song is "No Time Left For You," which I've never liked (lots of experience with 70s music here, kiddos) but it seems appropriate. And then he gets to work, and if you thought Sam soldering last week was hot, you're in for a treat. Let's forget our annoyance with the soundtrack and concentrate on how much we appreciate Metalworking!Dean, complete with welding helmet and safety goggles, under the watchful eyes of several shirtless moustachioed cowboys.

Mmmm, yes, we do appreciate it.

(Sidebar: Where did all this metal come from?)

Meanwhile, at the grocery store, we get a fake-out where we think someone threatening is accosting Mary, but it's only a friendly employee. And we also see that Mary puts her grocery bags in the bed of her truck? So not only does she not know how to cook, but she doesn't even know where to PUT FOOD? I.e., IN THE CAB?

He says buying food is new for her, because she usually buys whiskey, pumpkins, and crossword puzzles. Damn, Mary, it really seems like things aren't going well out there at the Love Shack if you're spending all day drinking, shooting pumpkins, and doing crossword puzzles. I'm gonna go ahead and call it - Mobby is doomed. She tells him she has family in town, which I expect to turn into the inevitable oh no, this guy is a demon and now he knows Dean is there.

But I'm exactly wrong. Nick pulls up in the creepiest windowless van possible and asks the guy if he knows where Mary Winchester is. Because why wouldn't he? Why wouldn't Random Grocery Store Guy know where everyone in Hibbing Minnesota, population 16,361, resident or guest, lives? Random Grocery Store Guy pretends he doesn't know who she is. Good for him.

(BTW, the fastest route from Lebanon to Hibbing is about 12.5 hours. But it's all interstate and I suspect either Winchester would take the route that uses more state highways and is 13.5 hours.)

(Sidebar: Yes, when I open Mapquest, Lebanon is always in my Recents. Is that not normal?)

Apparently Nick decides he'll just cruise the greater Hibbing area and try to find her, because we seem him after nightfall driving his creepy van. A police car drives by, and then turns around and pulls him over. He makes sure his stolen angel blade is in place and hides a paperclip somewhere on his person before the officer gets to him. Oooh, it's Donna!

She cuffs him and tells him the van's been reported stolen, but she also reveals she knows he's looking for Mary, and don't like the way she lays all her cards on the table like that. Let him think you're just arresting him for a stolen car, Donna. Don't let him know you're onto his Grand Scheme. He says his name is "Nunya" and then "Eat Me" (oooh, is he related to the Eat Me Sam met a few seasons ago?), but she's got some kind of mobile fingerprint scanner. Does this thing exist? She discovers who he is, but while her back is turned, he uses his paperclip to get out of the cuffs. They fight, and she seems to have the upper hand, but he gets her taser and that's the end of that.

Love Shack. When Mary pulls up, Dean is outside by the door to the Shed of Mysterious Building. He lies about what he's doing out there and carries the groceries inside, to where the table is set and he wants to help her cook (THIS IS NOT OKAY) and she FINALLY realizes something is up. (Also, Dean, we know you're not a terrible cook. Don't lie just to make your mom feel better.) She quietly talks to Sam from upstairs (though not quietly enough, Dean totally would have heard her in the real world) and agrees that something is going on. Sam tells her about the missing items and says he thinks he should come up, but she says to give her more time. WHY, MARY. WHY DO YOU THINK YOU ARE THE PERSON TO ADDRESS THIS AND NOT SAM. WHY DO YOU INSIST ON KEEPING HIM 13.5 HOURS AWAY. WHY. It doesn't matter, because when Sam hangs up, we see he's already on his way. YES. THAT'S MY BOY.

Dinner. Dean tells a funny/tragic story about their childhood and Mary gets a case of The Sads, realizing how much she's missed and "how much the two of you just..." Just everything, Mary. They just EVERYTHING. Together. Without John, without you. AND STILL YOU THINK SAM SHOULD SIT IN THE BUNKER AND LET YOU HANDLE THIS. DAMMIT, MARY.

Anyway. Dean says her being alive has meant "everything to me, and everything to Sam." He claims to appreciate this wonderful time they're having, but he falters when he says "there's no clouds on the horizon." Because it's a LIE. She tells him he can talk to her about whatever he's going through, and he says "Everybody keeps asking me how I am. And how I am, is I don't want to talk about it. Please."

Oh lord, his face.

Later, as he snores gently on the couch, we see Mary tiptoe downstairs and outside, to check out what's happening in the Shed of Mysterious Building. (Sidebar: Dean sleeps with one arm flung behind his back, which I think we first saw in No Escape, and I always thought it was an odd and fake-looking way to sleep until I realized I actually do that sometimes myself.) She looks through the books and things and figures out what he's doing and it must be bad because she says "no, no, no." Meanwhile, Donna is waking up inside her own cruiser. I wonder why Nick left her alive?

Dean wakes up to the sound of a ringing phone. It's not his, it's Mary's. Donna is calling to warn him about Nick. But it's too late, because when Dean goes outside, Mary isn't there. But Sam is. "Hey, whoa, easy!" he says, facing down Dean's gun, and that tickles me for some reason.

Creepy van. Nick whines to Mary. He found email from Mary in Donna's phone, giving the address of the Love Shack. He thinks Mary knows where Abraxis is. She does - the demon is trapped inside an Enochian puzzle box in a storage locker, locately conveniently in or near Hibbing. I don't care about any of this.

At the Love Shack, Sam blames himself for Nick running around like a free madman, because of course he does. Donna's APB gets a result - the creepy van has been spotted outside Grand Rapids. Donna says that's 30-40 minutes away, but Grand Rapids is actually 11.5 hours away from Hibbing. Maybe there's a little town called Grand Rapids near Hibbing. A town so small that Mapquest doesn't even know about it.

(I KNOW. NO ONE CARES. MOVING ON.)

Nick gets the Enochian puzzle box (yeah, this scene goes on FOREVER and I'm skipping a lot here, is anyone complaining? nope didn't think so) and wants to release the demon so they can talk. Mary points out that the demon needs a host to talk, and it can't be Nick and it can't be her, and she flashes an anti-possession tattoo as explanation. So drills the box open and Nick forces the storage locker employee to be the host. Abraxis says he'll tell Nick why they killed his family if he kills Mary slow and bloody.

While this is happening, we see Sam and Dean on that 30 minute/11.5 hour drive to Grand Rapids. Sam looks despondent, and they have this conversation:

Say it. I can see you want to. Might as well go ahead and say it.

All right. Nick is not a project. He's not a freaking puppy. He was Lucifer's vessel for years.

I know that, Dean, I thought -

You thought he'd what, just walk it off? Come on, man, you're not that dumb.

It's not about being dumb, Dean, it's called compassion. Look, what happened to Nick could have happened to me. It almost happened to me. You change one little thing in our past and that WAS me! Lucifer wearing ME to the prom. Besides, since when do we give up on people? Since when do we just cut people loose?

Well, maybe you need to learn, okay? Because when people are past the point of saving, maybe you need to learn to walk away.

Ouch. I hurt for both of them. Poor Sam, seeing himself in Nick and wanting to save that guy the way he wishes someone had wanted to save him. Having faith in Nick's potential the way he wanted someone, anyone, to have faith in his own. And Dean obviously isn't talking about Nick, at least not there at the end, because we've heard it from Dean before, talking about himself. I can't be saved; walk away.

The guys arrive at the storage locker just in time to stop Nick from killing Mary slow and bloody. Nick scratches out the devil's trap that's holding the demon, and Abraxis immediately tosses them around and tells Nick he was chosen completely at random. Damn, Nick is as whiny as Lucifer was. (I wonder who influenced who? Discuss.)

Dean tries to quietly exorcise the demon, but Abraxis flings him against a shelf and we get a flash of skin. But before he can start killing anyone, Nick stabs him with the stolen angel blade. Then Nick acts like he's going to stab the others if they don't let him escape, so Donna shoots him in the leg. Dammit, Donna, this was the perfect opportunity to kill him. He already killed one person, and he was threatening to kill the rest of you. It would have been a clean shoot. Instead, Mary punches the wounded whiny baby and Sam does a wee little version of his glorious post-exertion huff.

Outside, Sam gives Nick a sad, confused look.

Why?

I needed the truth, Sam. I needed revenge for my family. You would have done the same thing.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't help you, I'm sorry I didn't know how.

It's not about you, Sam. It was never about you. You couldn't fix me because I didn't want to be fixed. I was never broken.

Yeah, Nick, you are. I don't feel sorry for you, Nick. I feel sorry for the people you hurt, the people you murdered. The people whose faces will haunt you every night for the rest of your life. You can burn.

FUUUUUCK. That's cold as hell and it's not like Sam Winchester at all and I love it to pieces. He's finally given up on this asshole. But it's finally time to move away from the B plot, and Mary tells Dean she saw what he was building in the shed. She knows what he's building, she knows what he's planning, and the three of them ARE going to talk about it. And if he doesn't tell Sam, she will. So, you finally think Sam's input is important, Mary? Good to know.

When the sun rises, we're back at the Shed of Mysterious Building. Dean is showing Sam what he's done. He calls it something like a "maloch box," which I'm sure is spelled wrong. It looks like a giant coffin (yeah, about that...) Nothing can escape it, not even an archangel. Sam knows what they are but says they're impossible to build, and Dean's all, "not so much." And then they have this conversation and I'm sorry (no I'm not), but I had to transcribe the whole thing.

That's your plan? You want to be buried alive?

Buried's not safe enough. Plan is, pay a little hush money, charter a boat to take me out to the Pacific. Splash.

You and Michael, trapped, together, for eternity.

Yeah.

You do realize how insane this is, right?

It's the only sane play I've got. Michael gets out, that's it for this world. And he will get out.

How do you know that for sure?

Because I do. Because I can feel him, in my head. That door is giving. I can feel it giving.

There has to be another way.

There's not, okay? There's... Sam, you've tried. Cas has tried. Jack. And I love you for trying, but none of it's going to work.

But we don't know that!

Yeah, we do.

What?

Billie. She paid me a little visit. She said that there's only one way that this ends right. And this is it. This, right here. This box. So she gave up the special recipe and all I had to do was the work. It's fate.

Since when do we believe in fate?

Now, Sam. Since now.

So, you came out here, to see Donna, to see Mom, on some what, some sick secret farewell tour? You were gonna leave, and you weren't even gonna tell me. Me. Do you realize how messed up that is? How unfair that is?

I didn't have a choice! Sam, you're the last person I could tell, the last person I could be around, cause you're the only one that could have talked me out of it! And I won't be talked out of it. I won't. I'm doing this. Now you can either let me do it alone, or you could help me. But I'm doing this.

...

All right.

Oh, guys.

Well, I've got to admit, Dean's prophesied horrifying death was a letdown. First, because it wasn't even new - it was basically the same fate Death offered him when he had the MoC. Worse, sure. Being locked in a box with an angry archangel rather than floating in space and having some kind of dream life, never a good option. (ASK SAM. HE KNOWS.) But mostly because it didn't live up to his reaction when he first read Billie's book. I was sure (and I wasn't alone) that his tearful reaction meant it was going to involve something horrible for someone he loves (SAM). But this? The Dean we know would have reacted the way he did when Rowena told him he had to "be the bomb" in order to destroy Amara. Yeah, this sucks, but I always knew it was gonna end ugly, so, whaddya gonna do?

(Sidebar: This brings up an interesting question. I know an angel's vessel is immortal, but would Dean still be immortal even though Michael was trapped inside his head? Would the fact that Michael wasn't in the driver's seat stop him from keeping his vessel alive? Or would the angel's grace do that all on its own?)

But oh, guys. This scene. THIS SCENE. These two. Dean saying I love you for trying. Dean at the beginning, chin up, so defiant, so defensive because this is exactly what he was afraid of - telling Sam, and having to stick to his plan. (He's probably remembering the last time Sam talked him out of this very thing, kneeling on the floor in front of him, agreeing to support the plan for Dean to lock himself up with the Mark of Cain forever, looking up at him with the puppy dog eyes and nodding to accept that Dean has to cut his head off in order to prevent him from undoing that act; or maybe he's not actually remembering that but now I am, goddammit guys, I need a minute.) And Sam realizing that last little hug was Dean's last planned goodbye, and being so angry and so hurt, and the way he looks so young there at the end, when he stops and finally says "all right." I know we've seen this before but IT STILL GETS ME. EVERY DAMN TIME.

(Sidebar: Did Dean leave Sam a note? Is it in the bunker somewhere? Because Sam's last conversation with his father was the old man saying I don't know why we always fight, now go away and his last conversation with his brother would have been I want to go visit Mom without you. Discuss. Fanfic it. Come wail with me about it.)

(Also... Dean's farewell tour didn't include Cas? Jack? Jody?)

Well. Happy 40th birthday, Dean Winchester.

Worst. Birthday. Ever.

So, this episode? Too much Nick. Not enough Sam. Things that did not live up to expectations. But also, things that were wonderfully unexpected. I've seen worse, my friends. What did you think? And please help me stay unspoiled, thanks!

[berizaw]

Traveling Cheap

I'm a student who works a shitty part time job, and doesn't have much money. But I travel, a lot. How? Here's some tips I've learnt:

• Don't go to hotels but instead use Air BnB or hostels they are usually much cheaper

• Don't travel during prime time (this means school holidays and summer)

• Go on short trips you don't need a week to walk around Lisbon you can see all of it in a weekend trust me if you're seeing just one city you don't need a week

• Travel with budget airlines (e.g. Ryanair)

• Take a small carry on that is included in the ticket price (e.g. a small backpack is you’re travelling with Ryanair I’ll make a post how to pack light if you guys want)

• Eat at local places not tourist aimed restaurants (not only are you getting genuine cuisine of the place but also you aren’t getting ripped off because you’re a tourist)

• Find out about public transport in the area and deals (maybe a metro card for the weekend is cheaper than paying for each trip separately)

• Don’t overbuy souvenirs you don’t need them (I used to buy loads of “cool” stuff from different places only to throw on a shelf and forget about it, now I buy two things a magnet for myself and a book from a local bookstore for my brothers)

• Don’t overspend because you’re on holiday think about what you’re buying, work it out in your currency. People usually treat money abroad like Monopoly money because they forget about the exchange rate and it doesn’t feel real, this leads to overspending and justifying buying overpriced items so remind yourself how much it would cost in your own currency.

• Also don’t overbuy at the airport, bring your own food! Yes but a drinks sure but do you really need all those random overpriced items from duty-free?

Okay I think that’s all the tips I’ve got for now, I’ll probably post more and be sure to add your own. I’ll post more travel stuff in the future so follow me?

Also fun fact the picture is me walking through Lisbon, Portugal. Follow my travel insta: @//crookedtowns

[notfrancisann]

#30DayWritingChallenge

Day 1. List 10 things that make you really happy.

(This is in no particular order. 🤪)

1. Books

✓ People who knows me well knew this side of me. I'm really into books. I usually save my money to buy a lot of them whenever I get the chance to go to the bookstores. I really have this mantra whenever I enter malls that says, "I'd rather go home hungry than go home without a new book with me." Lol. But, the plot twist there is I don't really read every book that I buy. I've got a lot of unread books in my shelf but I always go around the book sale trying to find something I could buy and display again. 🤷

2. Music

✓ I really can't last a day without listening to music. You can always see me wearing earphones wherever I go. I get dizzy in commuting whenever I don't have music in my ears. I play music when doing chores, taking a bath and even pooping. I wear earphones during exams (if the teacher's not too strict) because I really can't concentrate without them. I have 700+ songs in my phone and I guarantee you, I literally knew every single one of them. But then again, here's the plot twist, I love music but music doesn't love me. You know what I mean. 🤪

3. Writing

✓ It's already obvious because you're reading this one. I really love writing. I find peace whenever I write. It's like an orgasm for me. Releasing and spitting words and ideas that could make me feel better and awe. I love writing poems. I love writing essays and journals. I love writing stories (well, if weren't for my inner procastinator self, I would have completed three novels by now. 🥴). I love writing literary stuffs. I love papers and pens. I could say that I love them more than I loved my ex boyfriends. Hahahaha!

4. Reading

✓ This is also one of the things I can't last a day without. I feel like I'm gonna get sick if I don't read something in a day. This is like my food for the my soul. I usually read on wattpad. Yeah, you could say that I love wattpad as much as I love reading. Believe me when I say that I literally can go around reading wattpad without sleep and without eating. Sounds unhealthy, right? But, don't worry I'm changing my ways now. Vacation's almost done. My readings for the next months will not be as entertaining anymore. I'll be catering academic stuffs and thinking about that makes me half giddy and half disappointed. Lol.

5. Foods

✓ Who doesn't like food, anyway? The only thing that could cheer me up from a bad day, a bad score and and dysmenorrhea is food. They're enough to make feel extra again.

6. Public Speaking

✓ Yes. That's the reason why I chose HUMSS as my strand in Senior High School. I don't why but I feel so happy whenever I get to speak and talk in front of a crowd. I love it when people try to hear things I want to say. My classmates often call me the "pabibo kid" because I really get extra during recitations. Hahaha! (Well, pabibo naman talaga ako kase nga bibo kid naman talaga me.) 💁

7. Meeting new people

✓ Growing up, I don't really have a lot of friends. The only people I considered my friends are my sister and cousins. So when I started school, that's the only time I met new people. I'm not really sociable when I was little, I go around punching my annoying classmates for stealing my crayons way back in kinder to 2nd grade. I transferred school in 3rd grade but I was bullied that time. But when we transferred here in Iloilo, I've met a lot of people. I had classmates turned best friends for almost 10 years already. Even when I attended SHS, I've gained a lot friends. That's when I realized that I like meeting new people because that's one way to build lifelong friendships.

8. Sunsets

✓ I'm not really a morning person so I don't really get to see sunrise often. Sunsets makes me happy in a way no one can do. Sunsets bring me peace of mind. It always reminds me that it's always okay to make mistakes today because I have tomorrow that offers me new learnings and to make things right.

9. Coffee

✓ I'm a nocturnal person. I usually stay up late to read or watch movies that's why I need coffee to stay awake. Me being a procastinator usually crams before the deadlines. I like doing my projects or presentations the night before the due date. So, what do I need to survive? Of course, coffee. I'm a human with caffeine running in my veins. 🤪

10. Peaceful Weekends

✓ Peaceful weekends for me means there's no practice during Saturdays, no meetings during Sundays. Peaceful weekends make me really happy because I get to spend two days of being a bed potato. I get to relax without thinking about my paperworks due on Monday. I get to wear baggy clothes and there's an excuse for me not to take a bath because I don't have somewhere to go. Hahaha!

So, that's the list of things that makes me really really happy. I hope you get to know what kind of person I am while reading that.

And btw, here's my most favorite picture of myself. HAHAHAHAHA the most decent, I must say.

Lovelots,

Francis 🙆

[azuregold]

YOU'RE TURN avoid all the questions you like, I still enjoy reading indirect answers ( •⌄• )

Yep, I was expecting this. XD This was pretty fun even if there are way too many “I don’t know”s for my liking ^^; .

1. What is your middle name?

Lesley.

2. How old are you?

Old enough to have had more than one cat. :P

3. What is your birthday?

May 27th.

4. What is your zodiac sign?

Gemini.

5. What is your favorite color?

Teal.

6. What’s your lucky number?

I don’t really have one, so I just kind of default to seven. X’D

7. Do you have any pets?

Three cats! *snuggles them* And 14 chickens, but they only sort of count as pets.

8. Where are you from?

I was born in New York City, but I’ve lived in Western Washington most of my life. Ethnically, mainly Scottish and Welsh.

9. How tall are you?

5'6"? 5'7"? IDK, it’s been forever since I was properly measured.

10. What shoe size are you?

Varies by brand and whether I’m getting men’s or women’s shoes (I have wide feet and most ladies’ shoes are too narrow, so I buy men’s a lot). Generally, somewhere around 9 – 10W?

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

That I actually wear regularly—three, counting my slippers. I have a few more that are either seasonal or old but still usable if I need them for something.

12. What was your last dream about?

My mom got me a dog. It was some kind of teacup Chihuahua-type, which is about the furthest thing possible from what I would want in a dog. So I was stressing about it (“Do I have to keep it? Is there a way I can find it a new home without hurting Mom’s feelings, or am I stuck with it?”) while I had the dog on the counter and was feeding it. All I had to feed it were these flat round dog biscuits that were almost as big as the dog’s head, so I needed to break them into pieces for it. It was sitting on the counter, trembling and snuffling and eating these biscuits, and occasionally trying to eat a bigger one and choking, and I was looking at it and sort of feeling sorry for it but also wanting to cry because I was stuck with this dog I didn’t want. ^^;

13. What talents do you have?

Nothing really? I can write and draw a little, but I consider those skills, not talents, so.

14. Are you psychic in any way?

I don’t know? I mean, I get feelings about things sometimes, but they’re not consistently accurate enough to say it’s more than luck, so.

15. Favorite song?

I don’t have a single favorite. These three are pretty much tied for first:

Unravel by TK from Ling Tosite Sigure

Share the World by TVXQ

Ideal White by Mashiro Ayano

And this one is such a close second that when I’m in the mood for it it’s basically tied as well, so it deserves a mention:

Revive by Kuraki Mai

These are totally spoilers for the “10 Days of Anime Openings” thing I’m doing right now, ahaha.

16. Favorite movie?

You expect me to pick one? (In all seriousness, I could spend multiple hours reminding myself which movies I really love, then trying to narrow it down, and still probably not be able to settle on one favorite, so I’ll pass. X’D)

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

Someone who I can trust, who won’t leave once the “honeymoon period” is over; someone who can demonstrate that I matter to them (remembering things I say, getting/making/showing me things I might like, basically anything that shows they were thinking about me); preferably someone who’s a least a little more outgoing than I am, with a sense of humor that works with mine, and who likes animals and anime/manga.

18. Do you want children?

Hell no.

19. Do you want a church wedding?

Not really.

20. Are you religious?

Not especially.

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

Nope, aside from when I was born.

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

No. I’ve been in the car with my mom a couple times when she got pulled over for things like a light being out, but that’s all.

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

I’ve met a lot of people involved in anime/manga and related fields. :P Also a few authors (Jim Butcher, Rick Riordan, Kevin Hearne). As far as major “almost everyone knows who this person is” celebrities, Bill Clinton came to my town once and I got to shake his hand.

24. Baths or showers?

Showers for getting clean; baths for relaxing (if the tub is big enough).

25. What color socks are you wearing?

Blue and gray wool socks.

26. Have you ever been famous?

Not really.

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

Not big big, but it’d be kind of nice to be an author and/or artist who’s successful enough that I don’t need a day job, so…a bit famous would be good.

28. What type of music do you like?

I can enjoy most music, but my favorite is probably pop/rock (especially Japanese/Asian), and soundtracks (yes, I know soundtracks can cover a lot of different genres, but most of them have a sort of feeling in common to me, like you can tell they’re part of a story? Does that make sense? IDK, I like a lot of instrumental music).

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

Nope.

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

One.

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

On my stomach or my side.

32. How big is your house?

Not minuscule, but not that big, either. We really need to move, though.

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

Either a protein shake or toast/rice cakes with cheese. Sometimes eggs if my mom wants some when I’m ready to eat.

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

No.

35. Have you ever tried archery?

Yep!

36. Favorite clean word?

I don’t know. I like a lot of words. ^^

37. Favorite swear word?

Shorter ones, I guess? I think I say (or type) stuff like damn, hell, shit, crap, etc. the most.

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

Hmm…about a day and a half, I think? I was up all day, then took an overnight bus and wasn’t able to fall asleep during the ride. I had also just gotten a cold, so I was exhausted and pretty miserable.

39. Do you have any scars?

A couple faint ones. One on my hand from I-have-no-idea, and one on my forearm from losing my balance and falling on top of my cats while they were play-fighting. ^^;

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

Not that I know of?

41. Are you a good liar?

If I know I’m going to be lying, I’ve planned what to say, and the other person’s response doesn’t go beyond what I’m prepared for, I’m okay. Lying on the spot? Or having to come up with additional explanations if they ask something I wasn’t expecting? I’m terrible.

42. Are you a good judge of character?

No idea.

43. Can you do any accents other than your own?

Not well/accurately, especially if it’s more than a few words. And I’m too shy to do them in front of other people 99% of the time. I occasionally talk to my cats in an accent when we’re alone, though.

44. Do you have a strong accent?

I don’t think so?

45. What is your favorite accent?

IDK, I like a lot of accents. c:

46. What is your personality type?

I don’t know? If this means MBTI, I’ve read several descriptions and taken multiple quizzes and I still don’t have a definitive answer. Except for the “I”. I’m sure about that part. X’D

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

Hmm…probably my jacket? It’s pretty worn now, but still perfectly usable, and I’ve had it for years. I don’t remember how much it was, but I know I was kind of apprehensive about spending so much on one thing, even though 1) I really needed a jacket, 2) It was part of a clearance sale, and 3) I wasn’t the one paying for it.

48. Can you curl your tongue?

Yes.

49. Are you an innie or an outie?

Innie.

50. Left or right handed?

Technically I’m mixed-handed, but if you’re just going by writing/drawing hand, then left.

51. Are you scared of spiders?

Not really. I don’t want them touching me or crawling on my desk or anything, and sudden!spider where I wasn’t expecting it will make me jump a bit, but I’m not actually afraid of them.

52. Favorite food?

How could anyone be expected to answer a question like this??

53. Favorite foreign food?

See above answer. :P

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

I’m a messy person who wishes they were clean. ^^;

55. Most used phrase?

I’m not sure? Maybe “You’re so cute!” I say that to Shinichi at least half a dozen times a day. XD

56. Most used word?

No idea.

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

If I’m only doing the things I actually need to do to be ready (bathroom, get dressed, eat, feed cats) and I don’t need to shower…probably between 30 minutes and an hour? But I like to relax with tea, check stuff online, cuddle Shinichi, etc. before I go anywhere, so if I have time to do all that…at least 2 hours. :P

58. Do you have much of an ego?

I tend to both feel like I’m worthless and like I should have the best of everything at the same time, so…I don’t know where that leaves me, haha. OTL

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

Suck. Sometimes bite when it gets down to the end.

60. Do you talk to yourself?

Yes. Or to my cats.

61. Do you sing to yourself?

Yep! Especially if a song I know the words to is stuck in my head (I’ve been low-key singing Unravel to myself all day X’D).

62. Are you a good singer?

I don’t think I’m horrible, but I don’t think I’m much good, either.

63. Biggest Fear?

Being abandoned or hated, having a permanent disability, being in an unstable living situation, talking to people.

64. Are you a gossip?

I like to hear it (depending on the subject), but I don’t really do much gossiping myself.

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

I don’t know. ^^;

66. Do you like long or short hair?

Long! ♥

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

Probably, if I’m not being timed and I can write them down.

68. Favorite school subject?

English and history.

69. Extrovert or Introvert?

Introvert.

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

Nope.

71. What makes you nervous?

A lot of things.

72. Are you scared of the dark?

Not that much, but sometimes I get a little nervous, especially if I’m outside.

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

In my head, constantly. To their face, rarely. Depends on who it is and how important it is for the mistake to be corrected.

74. Are you ticklish?

Yep.

75. Have you ever started a rumor?

I don’t think so?

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

I guess babysitting counts?

77. Have you ever drank underage?

Yes, with my mom.

78. Have you ever done drugs?

No.

79. Who was your first real crush?

Probably this boy named Will who I went to school with until halfway through second grade. He took me to a Disney movie once (just the two of us, no adults).

80. How many piercings do you have?

None.

81. Can you roll your Rs?“

Kind of?

82. How fast can you type?

Not that fast.

83. How fast can you run?

Even slower than I type.

84. What color is your hair?

Brown. When it’s freshly washed it has hints of red and gold in it, but mostly it’s just a medium brown.

85. What color are your eyes?

Hazel.

86. What are you allergic to?

Nothing.

87. Do you keep a journal?

Not a proper one, like talking about what happened to me that day or whatever. I have a rant journal where I can be salty and unreasonable or depressed and full of self-hatred without bothering anyone.

88. What do your parents do?

My dad was an actor. My mom’s done a bunch of stuff—gardening, sewing, caregiving, cooking.

89. Do you like your age?

Hell no. I can’t relate to people my age very well. Since I was ten or so, almost all my friends have been younger than me, and the older I get, the bigger the age gap gets. It’d be great if I could de-age myself a bit every few years. ^^;

90. What makes you angry?

A lot. But I hate confrontation so I mostly just keep it to myself.

91. Do you like your own name?

Yeah.

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

Well, I’ve had some names in mind for future animals for years, if that counts.

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

Can I have another cat instead? Or a dog. Or a goat. Or a horse. Or a��

94. What are your strengths?

??? Beats me.

95. What are your weaknesses?

A lot.

96. How did you get your name?

I don’t know for sure. I think my mom liked it? It shows up a few times on my dad’s side of the family, though, so maybe that influenced the decision a bit, who knows?

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

Well, according to Wikipedia, my clan is descended from an ancient royal house, but it doesn’t give any specifics, so who knows? :P

98. Do you have any scars?

Someone took a wrong turn at question 39.

99. Color of your bedspread?

I’m using a sleeping bag right now, which is black. Though I also have an old Inuyasha fleece throw that I use on colder nights (and which Shinichi has been sleeping on for the past week or so).

100. Color of your room?

A pretty ugly bluish gray. We always planned to paint it, but never got around to it.

[charlesendshere]

When I was six and my sister was four, we went swimming at the sea. My sister took all her clothes off and ran to the water, only keeping her underwear on. As I went behind her I heard a grown man commenting on how it as inappropriate and disturbing to see little girl swim without a top. An adult man was, may I quote, « disturbed » by the exposed skin of a four-year-old at the beach. I was young back then, I didn't think much of it. I ran to the water and more or less forgot about it.

When I was eight the boys in my class made a list of all the girls, ranking them from prettiest to ugliest. They put me in last position. Now, I know they hated me – most kids did back then, because I liked to read, wore mismatched clothes and got good grades. They put me last on the list because they knew that it was considered degrading not to be seen as pretty, even by primary school kids. They put me last on the list to remind me that in the end I was not anything more than what they thought of me. They were eight year old kids and they already knew that they somehow had that power. I was used to being mocked back then, so I didn't think much of it.

When I was eleven I went to middle school. The bullying turned even worse. There was this boy, Alan he was called, who sat next to me in maths class. With his friends, while we waited for the teacher to arrive in the corridor, he would make obscene sound behind me, moans and things like that. Sometimes they would grab me by the arms. One day one of them humped on my back. Out of instinct I kicked behind me and I hit me in the balls – my only victory ever against my middle school bullies. He never touched again, but I remember the burning gazes of the other girls. I didn't think much of it back then, because it was definitely not the worst thing they had done or said to me.

When I was twelve my friend got her first period. I remember how she hid it, how she was ashamed of it. She would open her pads in the school bathroom with as much precaution as she could so that no one would hear her tearing the package open. I usually pretended to wash my hands to cover the noise with running water and the hand drier. I thought it was normal back then.

The same year three of my bullies sat on the row in front of me in science class. They stole my pencil case and wrote insults on it, in black ink. When I got it back – it took me a while to realize they stole it – I read words such as slut, whore, she sucks dicks. Twelve year olds wrote that on my belonging and I never managed to erase it completely, so I changed my pencil case. I still remember that the teacher I went to to tell her what happened didn't flinch at the fact that boys had called a twelve year old middle school girl a slut.

When I turned thirteen, and that the whole class was around the same age, I would get low whistles on my path to the board. Boys – and girls – would make fun of me under their breath, about how I looked. The boys that bullied me all these years would giggle and whisper as I went past them, and I tried really hard to ignore them as I wrote down the answers to the exercise and as bile rose in my throat. Around those times I heard insults become bad, like really bad. I heard a boy get called a “fagot” in the corridors, girls get galled “sluts” all the time. Around those times more popular boys would come to me as I put my stuff in my locker and say, giggling all along, that they found me pretty, and then run away. I still have trouble believing anyone who says that nowadays because a part of my brain remembers how cruel teenagers were.

I went to high-school when I turned fourteen, a year ahead and in a new town. I remember very clearly how I got called a prude because I didn't show any particular interest in boys, because I didn't go to parties much. At the end of the school year, a group of girls came to me and asked me if I was a lesbian. I told them no, and it made me uncomfortable. Not because I thought it would be a bad thing, no, because I knew they used the question as an insult.

The year after that I became really close with my first real high school friend. We got along very well and had great times together. From time to time, I would put make-up on, very rarely though. I remember very clearly that one day in the queue to the cafeteria that one girl asked me if I wanted to impress someone, if I had a crush. I was full of insecurities back then, a lot worse than now, and I did not find the right come back, which would have been that I don't wear make up, or anything else, for anyone else than myself. But somehow no one could think of that themselves.

That same year I went to a foreign country as an exchange student for two months. I had known the family I stayed with since I was born and their daughter was my childhood best friend. I had a great time at school there, a great change from my usual high-school. I made good friends, visited nice historical places and tried new foods, all the cool stuff. Except, when I went home from school, I would go to the room I shared with the other to read, do homework or simply rest and he would come. He was younger than me by over a year and a half, and way stronger. When we were children (I was around eight) he was my “boyfriend”. Somehow, he never got over that. He never went as far as raping me, but he held against the wall, grabbed my wrists, kept me pinned to the bed. He would rub himself against me. He would whisper that “boys have needs. Yes it's down there. Please just one time”, as I shook my head and told him, again and again “No, no, go away, don't touch me, go away”. He felt entitled. He felt he had rights over my own body. And he would tickle me, maybe as a way to prove himself that it was playful. During the day he would always sit next to me. When we watched movies on the couch, with the whole family he would slip a hand underneath my leg as I squirmed and tried to swat it away. Same thing in the car. When I was sitting at the table in the kitchen doing homework, he would bring his computer to play games and sit right next to me, so that I knew that I had no private space; he would stare at me while my back was turned to him until I felt the back of my neck burn. It stopped when one day, as we were waiting in the car for the parents to go back from buying a few things at the grocery store on the way back from a day out, he tickled his sister and I as a way to annoy her, and to take more power from me. We told him to stop, many times, his sister yelled at him about how it was inappropriate and rude to continue when he had been told no. Because he tickled me when he assaulted me he knew my most ticklish spots and he showed it to his sister. My hands were trembling. When the parents got back, she told them what he had done and all the way home he got a lecture from his father about how rude it is to touch girls when they don't give full consent, how inappropriate it was and how it would get him in trouble. That no meant no. From that day on he never touched me again.

I went back to my country ten days after it had stopped. Over two years later, I still struggle with the consequences of what he did. I grew utterly terrified of physical contact. I couldn't even handle my own mother's hand on my shoulder. I almost punched my brother's friend because he touched my shoulder to get my attention and it surprised me. I had nightmares where people would grab my arms and my wrists and pulled me towards the darkness. But I never told anyone about it until two years later. I kept it hidden and I don't even know why. Because of how skittish I was around everyone, I got called a prude. They didn't know, my bullies, that I was not a prude, but a sexual assault survivor, neither did I at the time.

High school ended and I went to uni. I met my first boyfriend here. He was the first person to know about what had happened. It angered him to know that a guy dared to do that to me, that someone had hurt me like that. Then, long story short, after a little less than four months into our relationship, he dumped me. It hurt me, it was my first heartbreak. The nice and tender boyfriend I had known disappeared. One day, he told me that one of the reasons he fell out of love with (not only broke up with me) was because I was still heavily traumatized. It destroyed me. I went spiraling down into the worst episode of depression in my life. I still have scars on my forearms to remind me of it.

Then the nightmares came back, worse than ever, and the fear of touch, of crowds with it. I didn't sleep, didn't eat and didn't laugh for about a month. I got called a prude again.

Every year in the city I study in, there is this huge carnival. It's basically 30 000 students parading in the streets. I remember my friends telling me that I would inevitably get my ass groped, or slapped by a dunk guy. That I should keep pepper spray in my hand bag just in case. To be careful because every year girls get raped. I remember being terrified that young girls had to be given advice like that.

At the end of the school year I went back to my parents. I went to the farmer's market with my mum one morning, wearing a tank top because the weather was very warm. I don't know if I hadn't realized until then, or if I caught the men's eyes, but I felt gazes on me. I saw guys at least twice my age look at me from head to toe with a side grin. Same thing when I went at the swimming pool with my thirteen year old brother and his friend one afternoon.

There is so much more. The whistles, how I came back from my friends place in the evening with my keys between my finger, the weird man that followed me in the bus. One night, a friend and I took the last bus to go home. A man, at least twice my age, drunk, came to us and started talking to us. I ignored him, but my friend didn't know what to do and only saw a man who was lost, and asked him which bus he would take. He said “the one you're taking” and I saw her go very very pale. There were other guys at the bus stop and all they did was laugh. We took the first bus that came and we ran toward it, her hand crushed in mine, to escape him and not to give him time to react. I could tell you about a friend of my dad (a woman) who, when the rape and sexual abuse on two sixteen year old girls accusations of a famous French comedian came into the conversation, said loud and clear that, I am quoting “When you are sixteen, you are sexually active and you know what you want. When you go to a fifty year old famous man you are going to him for a reason”. I clenched my fingers around my glass and almost broke it. I was furious, because I know what it's like, the power of abusers over you, especially when you are young.

I could tell you about the boys that would slide their heads underneath the wood panels of the changing cabins at the local swimming pools to look at girls. About other men in the bus late at night. About guys from my family who claim that 99% of the Me Too movements victim accounts are bullshit and just women wanting attention. How guys defended the insistence they muster when they want a girl's number during a night out and made a list of the excuses they have for ignoring a “no”. How I hear all the time that “a girl should not dress like that”, or my friend's parents who claim that when a girl gets raped, it's mostly her fault. About how badly women's pain is underestimated (I saw one of my friends literally pass out from pain, lay crumpled on the floor for two hours because she could barely move without screaming in pain, and being told she was just anxious). I could tell you about how scared some girls are of guys in the streets at night. How we get judged by complete strangers on public transportation. The PE teacher who made comments about girl's legs and would never give you over 11 over 20 if you were a girls whose legs he hadn't noticed. How every single girl and woman I know has a story like this, all of them. About stares on the streets, the uncle who held them a little too tight during family gatherings, the boy who insulted them when they refused to talk to them in a bar, the man who stroked himself looking at them on the train, the slurs, the stares, all of them have a story, and a great many of them have plenty to tell.

I turned eighteen a month ago. I already saw all of that and lived through all of that. It makes me so angry when I hear people that things like the stuff I just told don't happen, or that it's just part of our society, that it's not that bad. You have no idea then. I just turned eighteen and I already know that I have to keep my phone unlocked in my pocket, with my friend's number on speed dial when I see a man stare at me creepily. I already know how much many men take for granted. How much rights they think they have. So don't tell me men are being threatened. That women are making a fuss of unimportant things. Don't tell me that it's rare, isolated cases. It's not. It's happening every day, in front of everyone's eyes. No one can pretend they don't see it. No one.

Of course not all men are guilty. Actually most of them are respectful and perfectly safe to be with or around. But still, every woman of this world is stared at, judged, followed late at night, considered for granted and someone's right to take at some point in their life. At least once.

We all have a story. I have hundreds of them, and I'm eighteen. I just want it to stop. This is not the world I want to live in. I'm still hopeful that things are changing and that we are slowly going the right direction. I'm still hopeful that one day – the sooner the better – eight year old girls won't be ranked in a list, that women won't feel stares on their breasts as they go for a swim at the beach, that not one boy or man on this planet will abuse a girl just because “boys have needs”. That “prude” and “slut” won't be insults we hear anymore. That a sexuality will not be used as a way to insult bullied teenagers. That men will simply leave women be.

That's all I hope. It shouldn't be such a big thing to achieve, but here we are.

That's all I hope.