#and i get being shy about it! but you have to kill every occuring 'no one cares' thought with a stone and never look back

[lale-txt]

i'm so serious when i say that you do not need AI to come up with ideas for your writing. what you need is a community you feel safe enough in to ramble about your ideas and be a little insane about them and from there the story basically writes itself

[gyaruhana]

hiii i have a request for gwinam ^_^ - maybe something when he is walking in the school after being bitten and he finds reader, who is a ver shy & overvall cutesy person, and gwinam has had a crush on her for a very long timee ,, maybe him founding her leading to a confession and then it gets spicy ??

take ur time !! 🎀 (dont mind it if u take the request and turn it into headcanons, i know u are just writing like that rn :33)

Yoon Gwi-Nam - Shy!reader (detailed) headcannons

Synopsis: gwinam with a shy reader (me core)..

A/N: i love him so much he will return in season two trust !! this is not proof read for the record..

Warnings: smut content, it's yoon gwinam (actually he's sort of soft i'm ngl)

➠ Gwinam very much felt like God given his current situation. He was bitten by zombies after Cheongsan had the guts to both gouge his eye out and push him off the bookcase into the hoard of zombies but Gwinam had survived. He was convinced that it was destiny. That he was given the gift of immunity so he could carry out what he believed to be his sole purpose: revenge on Cheongsan.

➠ At least, that was what he had believed to be his reason for surviving. Until he caught a very familiar scent. Being bitten by zombies had given him enhanced strength, enhanced vision- enhanced everything really. But it most importantly gave him an amazing sense of smell. He could smell the light, lingering scent of perfume and he knew exactly who it belonged to.

➠ You. Pretty and adorable you. Far before the apocalypse had occurred, he had formed a crush on you. You were shy and there was something so endearing about your nervous behavior that had him desperate for you. He was very aware of the fact that his feelings may not be reciprocated because, well, he was the total opposite of you and quite violent but now, with every other student being living corpses and no one for you to turn to, it's only logical you'd depend on him, right?

➠ A smirk settled on his face at the idea of having you utterly dependent on him. Now, he had two reasons for survival. One: Kill Cheongsan, and two: have you all to himself. With your scent clouding all his senses, he pushed Cheongsan to the back of his mind and set out to find which classroom you must be hiding in. He was sure that if he swooped in like a knight in shining armor, you'd immediately fall in love with him and live a sweet happy ever after.

➠ When he stumbled across the room you were hiding in, he came face to face with a very scared you. He could hear how fast your heart was racing and you quiet sniffles - a clear indicator you were (or at least had been) crying. The sound of your fear drove him mad for all the wrong reasons. He had already promised himself to never let anything happen to your sweet and innocent face so you could stay happy and that promise especially applied to the current problem.

➠ Without another word, he slammed the door open and walked in, an action that made you flinch as you quickly stood up. You had assumed a zombie had somehow forced it's way in but, when you looked at the source, you couldn't exactly tell. He didn't look like a rotting corpse but there was a lot of blood on him that gave you the feeling he wasn't exactly human either.

➠ He shut the door behind him to ensure no zombie could follow after him and eat your pretty flesh. After all, he didn't want you to die now that he found you. You'd be useless as a zombie and he'd rather not have to leave your rotting corpse behind.

➠ "What's wrong? You look a little scared," he spoke with a slight smirk. He found your fear slightly amusing now since he knew you'd absolutely be fine with him around to protect you. He'd be damned if he let you die in this hell hole.

➠ The surprise on your face when he finally talked was enough to make him laugh. He found your evident confusion amusing and he watched your eyes look him up and down several times as you assessed his condition.

➠ As if realizing he looked less than decent, he quickly raised a hand and wiped the blood around his mouth away and onto the sleeve of the white jacket he had stolen. He wasn't trying to scare you away from him, just scare you toward him but the blood on his face certainly wouldn't help him at all.

➠ "W-what happened to you..?" You questioned nervously as you made no move to get closer. He didn't want to be entirely honest because he could only assume you'd run if you realized he had already been bitten several times. It'd be better to lie to you for now so he could get close to you and make sure you don't escape him.

➠ "Nothing. Just got in a fight with another student," he responds as he slowly starts walking closer to you. Of course, you seemed skeptical of his words but he wasn't lying - he was just hiding certain parts of the story.

➠ It was quiet for a few seconds before you seemed to relax in his presence, believing his slight lie. He was slightly taken aback when you immediately walked over to him and pulled his face down to investigate his injury. The way your eyes scanned over his wounded eye made him feel something very new. A different warm feeling in his heart.

➠ "I don't really know much about health and injuries but maybe your eye could get infected if you don't treat it soon," you speak with a sheepish smile before pulling back a little. Your genuine concern for him was so adorable given what type of person was. He definitely didn't deserve your kindness but he took it anyway because he was greedy for you.

➠ "There might be a medkit in here," you speak as you make a move to turn away to search the room. Gwinam doesn't let you get far though and quickly grabs your hand to pull you back. "It's fine, it doesn't hurt or anything. I'm used to it," he speaks as he looks down at your concerned face.

➠ God, you were the cutest thing to him. Your big eyes, you're pretty eyelashes, the way your lips were in a slight pout because you were oh so concerned for him. Not to mention how you were noticeably smaller than him. God, every inch of you was perfect - utterly adorable.

➠ "Are you sure?" You ask curiously and he smirked as a thought crossed his mind at your words. "Well, there is one issue," he spoke as he looked down at you. Of course, your curiosity was peaked so you immediately questioned what the issue was - hoping to help him fix it.

➠ "I lied when I said it doesn't hurt. It does. I think I need someone to kiss it better," he says, his smirk only growing wider. His words pushed you into a stunned silence before you looked away and awkwardly smiled with a slight blush. Your reaction to his words only fueled his confidence as he pushed you to do it.

➠ Miraculously, he had actually managed to convince you despite how shy you seemed about the whole situation. He watched as you stood on your tippy toes and leaned closer. It was an adorable sight, watching you try reach up to give him a quick kiss. He couldn't stop the smile that spread on his face just like he couldn't stop himself from pressing his lips to yours.

➠ To ensure you didn't try pull away, he placed a hand on the back of your head to keep you close as he kissed you. You didn't reciprocate the kiss at first and he knew he'd have to coax you into it. He knew you were probably freaking out internally and far too shy to return his forward action.

➠ After what was a very long kiss, he pulled away with a smirk before licking his lips. "You're so tense. It's just me. Unless.. you don't want to kiss me?" he says teasingly. He can see the look on your face and, god, he'd love to still have his phone right about now so he could take a photo and capture it forever.

➠ If you were being honest with yourself, you weren't exactly against the kiss. You had seen him around school before the outbreak and you had heard of his tendency to bully students but you felt so drawn towards him. You couldn't help yourself - especially when he made it a point to stare at you from afar or brush his hand against yours when walking past in the hallway. He had really wormed his way into your heart.

➠ He stayed quiet for a few moments, letting you process what just happened before he leaned down and kissed you again. This time you reciprocated, more in tune with how you felt, and he was a little too pleased about that. He couldn't help himself when he started to kiss you with more passion before pulling away and trailing messy kisses down your neck and throat.

➠ It didn't take long before he had his cock inside you, pounding away at you with a bundle of grunts and groans leaving his mouth. He had you pressed against the wall, his hands on your thighs as he held you up and fucked his cock up into you. You felt so perfect around him - like you were made for his cock and it was driving him crazy.

➠ Every cry and moan and whimper that escaped your mouth drove him to use more force. He wanted you to cum on his cock. He wanted to fill you with his own cum too. He wanted to claim you and keep you as his forever. Not like you had anywhere else to go, Gwinam had decided that nobody would have you like this except for him. He'd be the only one allowed near you - allowed access to your perfect, tight hole.

➠ As he neared closer to the edge of what was sure to be his best release, he opted for a new position. He quickly moved you to the floor and pinned you down before practically folding you in half and thrusting fast and hard once again.

➠ The new position helped him to reach even deeper and he could feel your walls tighten around him, a clear sign you'd cum all over his cock soon. God, he couldn't wait to watch you come undone. He wanted to make you scream even if it caused every zombie within the school to run towards the classroom. Not like they could lay a finger on you anyway. He'd be damned if he let some corpse kill you now when he finally got his dick wet with your cum.

➠ The moment you do cum, he's cumming with you and neither of you were quiet about it. You both let out a loud moan as he continued to thrust inside of you as he orgasmed. "You're so fucking tight, fuck!" Gwinam cursed out as his thrusts slowed before eventually coming to a stop. He made no move to pull out though, wanting to make sure his seed stays inside of you.

➠ The classroom went quiet as the only sounds were the heavy breaths of both you and Gwinam. He had never felt so amazing in his life and now he knew for sure you were perfect for him.

─── "I'm never letting you go, you hear? I'm going to fuck your tight hole everyday now and make you my pretty doll,"

[hannieehaee]

titfucking

content: smut, established relationship implied, titfucking, mentions of cum-eating, etc.

wc: 697

a/n: this just came to mind at some point lol i hope u guys like it

masterlist

seungcheol -

commandeers you all throughout it despite his composure being on a very thin thread. no matter how hard he tries to fight the effect your tits around his cock have on him, he'd end up cumming faster than usual, crying out your name and begging you to give him a repeat of this as soon as he got hard again.

jeonghan -

yoon jeonghan? stuttering and out of breath? unheard of! only time you may ever see this side of jeonghan is when you get on your knees, lower your tank top and wordlessly offer up your tits for fucking. he'll stutter and make a fool of himself as he nods along, thanking you under his breath for wrapping those pretty tits around him.

joshua -

one of the only times in which he'd take a subby position in the bedroom. his obsession with your body would manifest itself in such an obvious way as he praised and worshiped you for making him feel so good in such a filthy manner.

jun -

absolute boob man, which means the idea might likely kill him on the spot. the mere mention of fucking your tits has him almost cum untouched. always comes extremely quickly at just the sight of his cock in between your breasts, giving you a huge upper hand.

soonyoung -

his eyes stick to your tits any time you're shirtless around him, and the same would occur when you gave him the grand privilege of wrapping them around his dick. he's a little extra loud and sensitive when he gets to fuck your tits, usually losing all ability to think the moment the idea is brought up.

wonwoo -

kind of a little more nonchalant about it when its first brought up but a total mess once you actually pull out his cock and begin lining it up between your tits. becomes a pathetic and desperate mess as he watches you do as you please with his cock.

jihoon -

goes insanely red and stammers for a whole minute before being able to express how down he was for the idea. this would become the main event in every late night fantasy he had about you whenever you were away from now on. he'd quite literally cry at the pleasure and sight.

seokmin -

eyes crossed and hands crumpling the sheets between his fingers. a bit of drool coming from the corner of his mouth at the feeling of your sleek tits (sleek from his cum ofc) suffocating his cock. prettiest cries known to man as he tries to praise you in between moans. is literally crying by the end of it.

mingyu -

a chorus of yeses fills the room as he enters an overly excited state, grabbing you by the hand and leading you to your room. in less than a minute you'd both be undressed and he'd be hard as a rock. would babble and drool throughout the whole experience, begging you to do it every so often.

minghao -

chuckled at you for having such a filthy idea. very down for it, but not too outwardly enthusiastic. would want to keep some sort or control during it since you are on your knees for him and everything. would have to use up all his strength to keep his composure.

seungkwan -

genuinely wonders if you have ulterior motives to kill him. you offering such a filthy thing would make him lose his mind. any last bit of sanity he may have had would leave his body when you actually put him between your breasts. would practically black out during it.

vernon -

something he's always wanted to try with you but felt too shy to ask. when you first bring it up, he literally starts choking on the food he was eating. disregards his near-death experience to drag you to your room so you can permanently alter his life with your tits around his cock.

chan -

moans out loud at the suggestion. needs it and needs it now, no matter what other plans you may have had prior. cums embarrassingly fast but makes up for it by licking his cum off your chest and worshiping your body for hours on end.

[hellisharchive]

Some Adam smut with a fangirl? I mean he did mention a band.. so that means he would have a ton of fans across the music genre! And one in particular likes HIM the most. How would he handle that? Just like another groupie? Or maybe something more? Please have fun with this!!

・﹒・ diggin' on the guitarist - request

Summary: You wanted him to notice you- but you were too scared to make yourself known. You were his biggest fangirl but too shy to say something. However, he finally noticed you in ways you never could have imagined.

Warnings: 18+, fingering [reader receiving], aftercare

Pairing: Adam x Fem!Fangirl!reader

You went to his every show, but not feeling confident enough to go up and meet him as you would probably find someway to mess up. You had the biggest crush on him, biggest fangirl this side of Heaven regardless of what everyone else says. He was just so hot, you would kill just for a little wink at you. This show was no different as you jumped up with the crowd as you yelled along to his lyrics, always so passionate about his music, you loved the energy. By the end, you were exhausted and had another amazing time. Starting to leave after mostly everyone filed out, you felt a hand grab onto your wrist. Turning around, you saw that it was Adam himself. What did he want? With someone like you?

"Heeeyy now, where ya goin' hot stuff? Don't think I don't notice ya at every single show of mine. Gotta say, I'm always sad when I see ya leave. Not this time" He had on a smirk as he let you go, only to get right up in your personal space. Only then did you realize just how much bigger than he was from you, he had to lean down a good few inches just to be above your head. Face growing hot from the size difference, you panicked and looked around the now completely empty venue- it was just you two. Was this really happening? Did he actually notice you every single time? Freezing, you had no idea what to say and how to respond. He was your idol, your true love, and he actually noticed you. You felt like an idiot, like you were back in high school with a stupid crush on a guy. But, you try and muster up something and fail spectacularly.

"I uh- I just uh. Uhm-" A slim finger rested itself on your lips, promptly shutting you up. Eyes wide, you saw his mischievous ones as he pulled his finger away, grabbing onto your waist and walking you backstage into what looked like a sort of lounge room. You were shaky and unable to fully process everything that was happening. The Adam, the first man eas hitting on you, touching you, and bringing you on stage. Your dreams were all coming true.

"You don't have to say anything Babe, it's ok, I know I'm too awesome that I make you speechless. Now- sit down" You stayed silent as he gently pushed you onto the pale, golden couch, opting for being quiet that as the bst option so you don't keep making a fool of yourself. You didn't know what he was planning but you did as he asked, sitting on the cushions as he stood and hovered right over you.

"You ready to be pleasured by the original dick, Babe?" You nodded egarly and he chuckled before telling you to take off your clothes. You hurriedly rushed as you ripped them off while also being careful not to damage them, you felt the cold rush of air hit your now naked body. Staring up at the man, he took off his mask to reveal a handsome face with brown hair and gold eyes. It then occurs to you that you've never seen him without his mask, or anyone has.

"I know, I'm fucking handsome. Now sit back and relax as I give you a special show for my favorite fan" Before you could fully register that he said you were his favorite, he smashes his lips against yours and grabbed onto your tits. You moaned in his mouth as he tweaked your nipples, already making you so aroused as you grabbed onto his hair and tugged it. After a few minutes, he pulled away and took off all his clothes except his underwear. He then slid himself between your thighs, sloppily kissing your neck, causing you to moan loudly. He nipped and sucked until the point where you're sure there were at least 2 hickeys that would form. As he was doing that, he slipped a finger to your pussy, which caused you to jump in his hold. The first man moved down to suck on your tit, picking the nipple as he gently moved his finger right where your clit was, flicking it and gently dipping it into your folds.

"Adaaaammm..." You moaned, from the tit sucking to the feeling of his finger penetrating you was getting overwhelming. Squirming, you tugged on his hair and gripped it as he started to move in and out of you, switching the breast he was sucking to the other side. He then added a second finger, going faster as you could feel that familiar pool gather in your stomach, at this rate, you were going to orgasm in a little bit. Biting your lip, your breaths became fast and unsteady as he knew exactly how to move his fingers inside you as a guitarist.

"Keep moaning my name, its hot as fuck" Before you could release, he pulled his fingers out of you, making you whine from having your orgasm robbed from you. Chuckling, he took off his underwear to reveal an average sized cock, but it was pretty thick. Gulping, you wondered if it would even fit. Looking back up at him, he pulled you into a kiss- a softer one this time- as he lined himself up.

"Tell me if it gets too much, alright? Or tap me or some shit I don't know" Nodding, you took a deep breath as he slowly started to push in, with just his tip you were already feeling full. Grabbing onto his arms, you closed eyes and curled your toes as he was making sure to be gentle. Taking deep breaths, you felt kisses on your untouched side of your neck as he finally pushed all the way in. Opening your eyes, you saw him have a soft look on his face before he asked if you were ready. Saying yes, he started thrusting in and out. Yelling out his name, you moaned the entire time as he went slower at first before quickly picking up. Your arms were wrapped around his neck as you tugged on his hair hard, causing him to fuck you into the couch harder. Tears formed in your eyes from just how good it was- heavenly- if you will.

"Keep sounding like that and I'm gonna have to claim as mine, fuck" You could barely register what he said as he pounded into you mercilessly, the feeling of an orgasm quickly returning. You started sobbing as you finally orgasmed, moaning out his name so loud you swore all of Heaven heard you. Breath slowing down, he slowed down as well, hair all messy from your tugging, sweat covered both of your bodies as you stared into each other like old lovers. He gently slid himself out of you and you already missed the feeling of being so full. His cum and your fluids mixed as they leaked out of you. You watched as he grabbed a towel that he slightly wet and a water bottle and set them on the couch.

"Drink" He noticed you were out of it and shaky, so he opened the bottle and lifted the opening to your mouth, slightly leaning your head back as you drank some water. He set it back down when he thought you had enough for now and started to clean you off. He was being so gentle as he made sure to get every single part of your body. He went to grab your clothes when you tugged on his wrist, even if weakly, but it was enough to signal him.

"Can you uh...can we uh..." Your voice was hoarse from all the screaming and the water only did so much, but even after he fucked you silly, you still couldn't ask to cuddle with him. Smiling, he shook his head as he pulled away and grabbed a random blanket on a chair and walked back over, laying you down softly on the large couch. Resting the blanket on top of you, he crawled in behind you as he was much larger than you. Wrapping his arms around you, you felt him kiss your head, making your chest warm.

"Thank you for being my favorite fan"

[v3nusxsky]

I wanted to make a request of like dom!lesso and shysubby!reader where the reader is a quiet new librarian of the merging schools and they get off to an angsty start where lesso HATES the reader and the reader just wants to be friends and then maybe some smut happens and then lesso gets soft for the reader and they live happily ever after✨✨

Unexpected lover 18+

*Authors note ~ finally getting through my assignments which is freeing up some writing time to get through some requests I’m so sorry it’s taken me ages to get to it school literally is killing me*

Trigger warnings~ dom lesso, subby r, mommy kink, praise kink, thigh riding, sorta enemies to lovers?, degrading kink, begging, oral sex, slight pet play/humiliation kink

Prompt~ see ask^^^

You joined the schools staff team when the schools still held the divide. Good vs evil. And you happened to be the one stuck in the middle. As a librarian to both schools you had your fair share of encounters with people from each side. Sure the ever side was very sweet and friendly but there was something about the Never side that made your heart break, clearly they were misunderstood but trying to conform to why society makes them. Even with the two deans you could see the parallel between them. Despite her behaviour toward you, you were drawn to the dean of evil like a moth to light. She was just so intense and intelligent that your heart always beat an extra beat in her presence.

To Leonora, you were an annoyance. Her students raved about your calming aura and how respectful you were to everyone. How good. And that was a hindrance to say the least. Here she was doing her job, trying to mold the next villains into being successful and yet you seemed to fight against her every step by showing them kindness and respect. It was frustrating beyond belief. At least that’s what she told herself, it most definitely wasn’t that she felt drawn to you, completely and utterly ignorant to her own desires to be near you. Evil doesn’t love. Evil doesn’t like. Evil is chaos and mess, everything you weren’t. So she most definitely wasn’t drawn to something so… good. Pure. Fire would freeze over in hell before she admitted the truth that ate away at her heart.

You hoped with the schools merger that Leonora would come round. Everyone else in the schools had, the library was now filled with a gentle buzz, students mixing with ease, the staff seemed to be managing well too. All expect her. At first you blamed yourself. Perhaps you were too shy, too needy, or even weak to her. But then you’d remind yourself that everyone else likes you. Everyone else speaks to you in the corridor as they pass. Everyone but her. You are by no means a scary person, people often think you’re easily manipulated due to your timid nature, so it can’t be that. Leonora doesn’t strike you as the type of woman to be scared of little old you. All you wished for was the same cordial friendship with her that you had with others. Instead you seemed to be more of an annoyance to her, like she couldn’t stand to be in the same room as you. Breathe the same air.

Every story to ever be told has had a meaning, a message to the reader. You loved discovering what the words on the page were trying to tell you. Most story’s you adore have the clear message that the line between love and hate, like and lust and fear and desire can be thin. Sometimes so thin it’s hardly visible. You like to believe this is true, you see it daily as someone who observes the coming and going’s of people frequently visiting the library. Each day there’s something new, a development in their own story, something you thrive on noticing. Little did you know, your story was about to get a new chapter, with a curve ball no one would have expected to occur.

The new chapter began like any other, working to tidy all the books and close the library for the night, ensuring every book was returned to its rightful spot while students began to filter out and back to their dorms from the late night study they were engaged in. Yet the presence of one dean in your usually calm atmosphere was throwing you off. She seemed to be engrossed in her book that she’d swiped from the curses and death traps section. She sat ever so regally by the heater in the corner of the room. It was hard not to notice the striking woman in your space, yet if she noticed you she didn’t seem interested as she flicked through the pages of her book.

By the time you’d sorted all the books in the library you’d made many hints of the time, the fact the library was closing and even going as far to stand behind the counter nervously drumming your fingers against the wood. You wished to have the confidence to ask the woman to leave, yet you couldn’t find it in your heart to approach her. Not when this was the closest to co existing in each other’s presence you’d got since you took the job. You’d be lying if you said she wasn’t slightly intimidating, it’s unsurprising that she was the one to make the move.

Meanwhile Lesso was getting irritated with the constant sound echoing round the room, interrupting her book. Your nervous energy was practically suffocating the woman. It was obvious you were waiting for her to leave, subtly wasn’t a strong suit of yours she decided. That’s when something snapped within her, this cat and mouse game needed to end. Evil doesn’t need to ask, evil gets one way or an other and you aren’t any different if you want her to leave her you’re gonna have to earn it.

“Got something to say dove?” Her words flowed like honey, the nickname coming from thin air but feeling so right it just flowed, “why don’t you just say it?” Leonora was talking to you. You. The shock clouded your mind causing her to chuckle, “cat got your tongue huh?”

“I- you- uh” you stuttered dumbly trying to not make a fool of yourself with trembling limbs you asked her to leave so you could close up. “If you want me to leave then you should come over here and make me” her challenge was set, yet she couldn’t be bothered to even spare you a look. If she did she would’ve seen the crimson blush covering your cheeks as you internally fought with yourself. Could you just walk to her and get her to leave? Would it be that easy?

Minutes later you slowly rounded the desk, hesitantly making your way to the woman only to be stilled by a tut of displeasure. “Did I say you could walk to me? No. Crawl dove, be a pretty pet and put a show on for me.” Crawl? Seriously? “I - what?” You mumbled causing the dean of evil to lazily click her fingers at you as if you were nothing more than a disobedient puppy.

You aren’t sure what bothers you more, that you sank onto your hands and knees or that arousal rushed through your body at the treatment. Scanning the empty library you started to crawl forward, eyes downcast as you obeyed her wish. The carpet scraped against your bare knees, the skirt of your dress dragging on the floor and getting stuck as you moved. By the time you reached the older woman, humiliated and aroused she had discarded her book to appreciate the view. The way your chest heaved and you kept your eyes to the ground drove her wild as you sat back on your knees. So pliant for her. So willing. Desperately trying to please her. She’d have some fun with a pretty pet like you. “What do you say we have some fun, show me what a good girl you can be.”

You swear you’ve had this dream before. The kind you wake in the middle of night questioning your subconscious brain. It’s only natural that you immediately nod along to her request. With a simple demand of “earn it then” and a snap of her fingers her pussy was on display for your curious eyes to view. With a simple gesture to get on with it you dove straight in. You always imagined she would like the tougher side of sex, she wouldn’t want the teasing build up and you were right. Her hand came to your hair, gripping the locks so tight it was almost painful. Almost. The sinful moan you let free was immediately swallowed by her greedy core cause the vibrations to hit her clit deliciously.

“Mm my what a good dove you are. Just like that baby” she grunted as her hips started to buck into your mouth, covering your lower face with her slick. “God what a good slut I have here. Wouldn’t have waited this long to claim you if I knew you were such a whore.” If you weren’t glued to her core you may have protested at the language she was using. Yet again, you weren’t in the position to argue as you ate her out with abandon. You could tell you were doing a good job when her thighs tensed and her moans seemed to be louder than before. The closer she got to climax the more praise she threw at you causing you to press your thighs together. Desperate for some friction. Relief. And that sight, you being nothing more than a needy whore on your knees, eating her cunt like it’s the last meal on death row was what threw her over the edge. Inner walls clenching as you lapped up your reward with ease.

You only pulled away from her warm core because she made you. Tugging you up to your feet by your hair. You stumbled slightly as the blood flow returned to your lower legs causing her to easily settle you on her lap. Your clothed pussy settled over her good thigh as her hand settled under your chin to guide you into a passionate kiss, tasting herself on your tongue. Unsurprisingly, as soon as the kiss started she was in control. The way she would nip at your lip to allow the metallic taste to dance between your tongues caused you to whine into her mouth. The level of need this woman awoke in you should be criminal. You couldn’t be more glad that she gave in and crossed the line between love and hate.

Instinctively, you began to slowly drag your clothed pussy along her toned thigh, seeking friction as she kissed you. A kiss so good you saw you forgot your own name. Her hand came to grip your hip, guiding your almost pathetic grinding. Pulling away from the kiss she couldn’t help but tease you. “A desperate thing you are hmm? So needy you are gonna use my thigh like a bitch in heat? Poor girl. Have I neglected this needy cunt?” Her words combined with the friction she provided was dizzying. So dizzying in fact, you mewled “mommy please” before your brain could even catch up.

“Oh it’s like that is it dove?” Her signature smirk graced her lips before she trailed them to your lips, nipping and sucking the silky smooth skin there. “I- oh, mm please mommy. Oh God” you whined chasing the pleasure she was providing too much to even care about the name choice. “Gonna cum for mommy darling? Gonna cum all over my thigh? Such a pretty slut for me. Go on, cum” she punctuated the last word by sinking her teeth into the junction between your neck and shoulder causing you to hurtle over that edge, riding out every wave of pleasure that hit you.

Leonora couldn’t help but be star struck by the post orgasmic bliss that over took you, ragged breaths as you fought to calm your heart rate, shaking legs that tried to grip her thigh in order to keep the sensation alive. Big doe like eyes peering at her through hooded lashes. Stunning. A sight that should belong to the heavens alone. And in this moment where you collapsed into her, her arms wound around you too quickly to be thought of, she knew that you would be hers. Evil or not, she couldn’t bear to let anyone see you like this. A pretty little thing begging for mommy to help her. Perhaps good and evil could co exist. After all you fit so perfectly in her arms it would be sinful to separate you from her. Maybe just maybe, evil did get good, to love and to cherish and to enjoy.

Word count~ 2032

[outofconcheol]

Sign Here For... (HJS x F!Reader)

pairing: delivery boy!Jisung x afab!reader genres/au/rating: crack, smut, fluff, one night stand au, 18+ summary: Feeling frustrated and reeling from your recent breakup, you put in a special order on your favorite delivery app. However, with the goods, comes Jisung, who's a lot more than you'd ever bargained for.

word count: 4.0k

warnings: past relationship and referenced breakup (Minho x reader), regrettable decisions are made, Jisung and reader are both so very shy and cute but also bold, lots of innuendos, alcohol use, swearing, some little thoughts of self-doubt, Jisung's black nail polish, unexpected feels, smut warnings: nsfw thoughts, sex toys, making out, nipple play, fingering (f receiving), oral (m and f receiving), unprotected sex (the pull-out method)

a/n: djsksk what is this?? except the unhinged product of both my imagination and my infatuation with Han Jisung. this is my first time writing a fic for anybody besides bts, so I'm super nervous about this. Special thanks to Miss Emme (@temptaetions) for informing me that Dashmart, of all places, sells sex toys which then became the impetus for whatever kind of delusional thing this is. i hope you enjoy, and please be nice!

This had the potential to be a bad idea. A very bad idea. Rubbing at your eyes, you glare at your phone screen in the dark, legs tucked underneath you on the couch. If this backfired, maybe you could blame the blue light. Your psych professor in college had always loved to mumble about how cell phones were killing the younger generations’ brain cells. 

Or, you could blame the fact that you’d shown up to Chan’s party last night, determined to have a good time after months of moping over your breakup, only to find your ex, Minho, sucking face with a new girl. Yeah. You could definitely blame it on that.

It wasn’t like you didn’t expect him to move on — it was just that you also expected yourself to have. Minho had been your first and only relationship, lasting through all of college and beyond before you’d broken up, deciding your lives were heading in different directions.

Honestly, you hadn’t been upset until the party last night. You’d accepted the breakup, growing pains were inevitable when you’d gotten together so young. But the fact that he’d moved on this quickly and you hadn’t stung.

Not to mention you were horny. Four years with Minho and then just like that, it all stopped. All you wanted was to get laid again. Unfortunately, after a disastrous drunken encounter on a dating app with a physical therapy student named Changbin, in which he’d fallen asleep before you’d even done the deed, you decided that it might have been too soon, and to take a step back.

But you were human, and if devoting your college years to studying the human psyche had taught you anything, it was that humans were needy. Very needy. For food, for shelter, for company. Which is why you were surprised at how the human race hadn’t crumbled already, given the rate of break-ups and divorces occurring these days. The problem was, that despite being needy, humans were also overthinkers.

So you’d spent a week pondering over what you were about to do, rationalizing every aspect of it in your brain - the pros, the cons, the consequences. And had almost talked yourself out of it when running into Minho tonight had been the catalyst for driving your decision the other way completely.

All you wanted was to hop onto your favorite delivery app, ready to wallow in pity over some ice cream and chips, and maybe Pride and Prejudice (2005), but then you’d seen it. 

It seemed delivery apps were becoming more and more full service these days. Because right there, past the Doritos and the body wash, were sex toys. 

You feel your throat go dry and eyes widen as they flash across the screen - all different sizes, shapes, and colours. There was more variety than you expected.

Immediately, you groan at yourself. More variety than you expected? Who expected to see sex toys on a delivery app anyway? The drought must finally have been getting to your brain.

Throwing your phone aside, you groan, trying to ignore the throbbing at your temple and in between your thighs. Maybe it was time to go out and find someone – maybe your self-imposed celibacy was driving you stir-crazy. It wouldn’t be so crazy to check out Minho’s Instagram, and see how he was doing…

“Get it together!” you mumble to yourself, pinching your arm. You were not going to stoop to the level of texting your ex. However, you were going to stoop to a different level entirely. You wipe your clammy palms on your thighs, picking your phone back up and clicking on a pink one quickly, immediately scrolling down to avoid dealing with the consequences of your transgression.

A few minutes later, you’ve managed to fill the cart with a dozen different snacks…and well… the other thing. It taunts you as you check out, and you focus your mind elsewhere, like the berry cheesecake ice cream you’d ordered. This was just another form of self-care, right?

You can feel the blood rushing in your ears and a bead of sweat trickles down your back, and you make the decision to hop into the shower while you waited. Sighing, you push yourself to stop being the overthinker you’d always been. Whoever was in charge of it would just put it at the door and then leave. It was none of their business, right?

Jisung really wasn’t a judgemental person. He knew people went through so much in their lives, which is why he never questioned orders with enough food for twelve people, only for one person to show up at the door. Or when someone ordered just yogurt and Tide Pods. People tended to forget things. Or they wanted to enjoy things. And who was he to stop them?

But right now, he was conflicted. He’d thought nothing of the order he’d just gotten, clicking accept on his delivery app, but then he’d done a double take when he actually saw what he’d had to pick up. Chugging along to the store on his red bicycle, he heaves for breath, trying to calm the racing in his heart.

You had to be joking right? Maybe you’d clicked it by mistake. He was more than used to his fair share of strange requests, but delivering a vibrator to someone’s doorstep was a new one. For a second, he’d thought about calling to confirm that you’d actually meant to order it, along with a mountain of snacks, but pushed the thought away immediately. That would only make things more awkward.

He wondered what could have possessed you to do something so impulsive. But then a lightbulb went off in his head. People tended to make rash decisions when they were going through a tough time — like a breakup. And suddenly, it all made sense to Jisung.

And being the empathetic person he was, his heart twinged for your sadness. You must have been really lonely. He wondered who could have broken up with you to make you so upset - from what he saw from your snack choices, you already had impeccable taste and he liked you. So he’d make sure you got your things safely.

Pulling up to the store, Jisung parks his bike away safely, the bell above the door signaling his entrance. The store clerk takes one look at him in his snapback with the app’s logo on it, and can barely hold back a smirk. Jisung feels his cheeks heat up… this wasn’t even his stuff, why was he feeling self-conscious?

“I’m uh, here for, —” he chokes out, feeling his throat close up, unable to get the words out. “Yeah.”

“Here you go,” the store clerk pushes the bag his way, unable to hold back their laughter, and Jisung feels a flash of anger go through him. Yeah, it was odd, but there was no reason to be so judgemental about it. “I hope whoever it is enjoys themselves.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure they do,” he blurts out, watching the clerk’s eyes widen before he realizes what he’d just said. “I-, I mean I’ll make sure they get it, you know?”

He decides it’s time to leave before he does something even more stupid, slapping his palm against his forehead while he rushes out. What was it about this specific time that had him so flustered?

Actually, he knows what it was. He’d taken one look at the pink vibrator nestled away in its packaging, and thoughts of what would happen to it after he’d left it at your door raced through him. Rubbing a hand at the back of his neck, he wipes away the sweat that collects at his nape, taking a few deep breaths before hopping back on his bike.

Looking at the map, your apartment was only a couple of blocks away. He had to get it together before then.

Shaking out your wet hair, you slip your oversized t-shirt on, pulling up your fluffy socks, only to be interrupted by a knock at the door. That couldn’t be what you thought it was. You decide to wait a few minutes to see if they knock again, and sure enough, they do.

You huff, looking down at your app. You’re pretty sure you’d clicked “leave at front”. But whoever “Jisung” was, he clearly didn’t get the memo, knuckles continuing to rap at your door. 

“Helloooo,” his voice calls out, laced with genuine concern. “Is anyone there?”

Filled with annoyance, you stomp over to the door, pulling it open, ready to give this guy a piece of your mind when—,

Oh. Oh.

Big, brown doe eyes look at you from the other end, glassy and filled with sparkles, and your mind immediately goes blank, forgetting what you were so upset about. You stay there, lips parted, taking in every detail of the handsome stranger currently at your door, from his longish hair that falls in his eyes underneath his snapback, to the black painted fingernails on his slender hands. 

The two of you remained locked in a stare for a few moments, Jisung unable to take his eyes off you either, and that’s when it registers that you’re only wearing a t-shirt and socks. You have the urge to slam the door in his face and scream from embarrassment, but then you wouldn’t be able to see his pretty face. 

Jisung lets out a strangled sound, somewhere in between choking and a cough, hitting his chest in order to get the words out.

“Hi, I’m here with your order,” his voice cracks when he presents the bag full of things, the pink vibrator lying right on top 

Your lips remain parted in an “o”, unable to say anything, eyes flitting in between your order and the cute delivery boy at your door. Eventually, you realize you should do something. Just maybe. So he doesn’t think you’re weird.

“I, uh, thank you, uhm, Jisung was it?” you watch his eyes widen at your acknowledgement, a smile lighting up his face. And it has your heart doing backflips. 

“No problem, I hope you enjoy it!” Jisung responds enthusiastically, his ears reddening when he realizes what he’d just said.

Time seems to stand still when you accept the bag, watching him zip up his backpack and put on his jacket, those black nails taunting you. For a moment you imagine what they’d feel like inside of —

“Do you wanna come inside?” The words tumble from your lips before you can stop them, and Jisung freezes. You swear you hear him curse underneath his breath.

This was insane. Probably the most insane thing you’d done since breaking up with Minho. But he gave you butterflies in a way that no one had for a long time, and maybe, just maybe, this was a sign from the universe to take a risk. One more time. 

“Jisung,” you repeat slowly, and he finally looks up at you, checking over his shoulder to see if you’re talking to him. “Do you want to come inside?”

He shrugs his jacket off, letting his backpack slip off until it’s hanging off one shoulder before he nods, unable to take his eyes off you standing on the other side of the threshold.

“I’d love to.”

Jisung feels like he’s going to pass out, wondering if he was having an out-of-body experience. Not only did he deliver his first sex toy today, but of course it had to be to one of the hottest girls he’d ever seen. None of it seemed real, as he followed you into your cosy apartment, filled with fairy lights and soft cushions.

A troublesome thought crosses his mind as he slips off his jacket and shoes, when he thinks back to how maybe you’d been going through a break-up. You inviting him in only served to strengthen that suspicion in his mind, but you’d been nothing but nice, just as shy and nervous at he’d felt. Whatever this was, Jisung was down for it, whether you just needed someone to talk to or — he thinks back to the pink vibrator. 

Perhaps it was better not to get ahead of himself.

“Make yourself comfortable,” your soft voice echoes from the kitchen. He can hear you rustling around in there, putting away your things, and it makes him even more flustered. He looks around for anything to distract him from his racing mind, settling on a few photo frames of you and another guy, posing with three cats.

“I should probably take those down,” you surprise him again, coming up from behind and setting down some of the snacks you’d gotten and a few bottles of soju. “I haven’t really had anyone over here since the breakup.”

He was honestly shocked you were still on the rebound from your last relationship, given that you were — well you. If he’d known you then, heartbreak wouldn’t even have been a word in your vocabulary.

“It wasn’t horrible, if that’s what you’re wondering,” you reassure him, seeing a cute frown cross his face. “Minho was my first for a lot of things, but eventually you realize not everything is meant to last forever.”

“Is that why you, uh, you needed the things today?” Jisung chokes on sip of soju, hoping the sharp liquid can make him a little less awkward. From the way you fidget with your hair, he realizes it’s not helping at all on that front.

“Enough about me,” you take another swig, a bit of soju dribbling down your chin, and Jisung fights the urge to reach over and wipe it off. But then he’d be too close.

Jisung is a natural talker, opening up easily about himself and his life, from his own cute puppy to his friend group. Through the course of the conversation, he realizes that you’re older than him, but it doesn’t bother him. Something about the earnestness in your eyes makes him feel comfortable. It doesn’t help that you’re stunning under the dim lights, your damp skin shining and lips twisting into an adorable grin while you listen to him talk.

He wonders if he’s being a bit too forward, unable to keep his eyes off them while he goes on, but if you notice, you don’t say anything.

Half an hour later, and the distance between the two of you on the couch is completely non-existent, your thighs pressed up against Jisung’s while you giggle at his Doraemon impression. 

He knows he’s probably a little tipsy, both of you are, but that doesn’t stop shock from registering when you pick up his hands, intertwining your fingers to marvel at his nail polish.

You bring them close to you, and even though he’s not touching you, he can swear he feels the thud of your heartbeat underneath your shirt.

“Do you like them?” his voice is gravelly as he asks the question, the soju making him feel like he’s floating. 

“I do,” you stutter out. “They look really fucking good, I want them to, I-I mean I want some like them, shit–”

Another giggle bubbles from your lips and Jisung thinks he’s going to lose his mind, watching your eyes grow heavy-lidded, still clutching his hands in yours. The two of you are impossibly close now, any more and you’d be on top of him, but maybe he wants that. Maybe you want it too. 

You squeak when he pulls you on top of him, the haze clearing momentarily when he feels your legs straddle him, clutching onto his shirt to avoid falling over completely. Jisung grips your thighs to hold you steady, and your stomach swims at his proximity. Looking into your eyes, he sees your pupils go dark, your throat bobbing while the two of you remain frozen, contemplating your next move. 

He watches you suck in a breath, breaking eye contact to look over at the photo frames on your shelf, sadness flashing in your eyes. It stirs something within him, and he stops you midway, cupping your chin in his hands and tilting your head back towards him.

“Can I kiss you?” His voice is lower than he’s ever heard it, desire seeping into every crevice, and he sees you give a little nod before you’re leaning in, crashing your lips onto his. 

Jisung stifles a groan, melting into the kiss, your soft, slightly chapped lips adding to the fire that fuels in between you. A whine escapes the back of your throat, your nails raking through the hair at the nape of his neck, pulling him into you. He traces the inside of your mouth, pressing you down onto his thighs, shocked to find wetness leaking onto his jeans. 

You pull away with a flush, realization dawning on your face. Chewing your lower lip, you give him an apologetic look.

“Fuck, I’m sorry, I forgot I wasn’t wearing anything underneath…”

Jisung pulls you back into him, nipping at your bottom lip, before he’s pulling away again, his warm breath fanning into your neck.

“You don’t have to apologize baby,” he voice makes you shiver. “I came here for you after all.”

The two of you stumble back into your bedroom, lips clashing desperately, and you tug at the hem of Jisung’s shirt. He breaks away from your lips to allow you a small bit of focus, but it’s gone in seconds when he eyes your neck, pressing small kisses along its length, pausing to graze his teeth in a few spots. 

You flutter your eyelashes against Jisung’s temple, finally grabbing hold of his shirt and slipping it over his head. You pause, taking him in, running your knuckles along his sides, and he shivers. 

Jisung doesn’t even wait for you to finish undressing him, pushing you back onto your bed softly, watching the way your oversized t-shirt hikes up, exposing more and more of your body to him. 

You feel your stomach fall into knots at the appreciative look in his eyes. It’d been so long since someone had looked at you like that, and you feel like you could explode from that alone. You cling onto his biceps, giving them a squeeze, and he moves quickly, pulling you flush against him so he can grab your shirt and tear it off. 

Shoving you against him, he mouths at your jaw, tugging your hair so you arch up into him, grinding against the rough denim of his jeans. You collapse into a series of moans and sighs, rutting against him while Jisung continues to work you over, moving down to your neck, before he thumbs at your breasts.

The first swipe of his thumb against your nipple has you keening, throbbing with need until —

Jisung pins you in place, lifting his body slightly so you’re no longer touching. He toys with your nipple experimentally, giving it a squeeze, and you nearly sob at the contact, wanting to feel him again.

“Had to cut it off or I wouldn’t last,” he rumbles into your ear, stroking the soft skin of your stomach before he dips down in between your thighs, stroking exactly where you need him.

Jisung’s eyes widen in surprise at exactly how wet you seem to be, curiously swiping up and down before he plunges a finger in.

“Jisung, please, god, I—” you’re unable to get the words out, tugging at his hair while he fucks you open, your clit throbbing. Your hands roaming underneath the waistband of his pants, pushing at them uselessly, before Jisung pauses. You watch your arousal coat his fingers while he works the button open, finally pulling them off. 

Closing your eyes, you ready to finally feel him, but like everything else today, Jisung is full of surprises, kneeling until he’s face first with you, exposed and open for him. The first press of his tongue against you has you bucking up into him, and you feel him smirk, his other hand reaching to press on your neck.

Your eyes flutter, your entire focus narrowing to where Jisung sucks on your clit, and then you’re breaking, nearly flying off the sheets as your thighs clamp around his head, both of you unable to contain your moans. 

Jisung looks down at you, his lips swollen and messy with you on them, and you watch him study you, flushed and fucked out underneath him.

“Hey,” he says softly, brushing away the hair that’s fallen on your face. “You okay still?”

“Better than okay,” you mumble through your lips, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek. It’s too soft a gesture for what this was supposed to be, but Jisung melts into it anyway, reveling in the quiet moment. 

“Keep going please?” you breathe into his neck. There’s barely a moment to think before Jisung’s hands are on your ass again, pushing you up into him so he can line himself up with your entrance. Without warning, he slides in, bottoming out harshly, and you dig your nails into his back.

You open up wider, letting him grab your leg and rest it on his shoulder, and his arm braces itself around your waist, lifting you up so he can find your lips again, tongue catching all the sounds that fall out of you. 

His hands roam all over you, like he can’t get enough of your body. Jisung’s sweat soaked bangs are messy as he throws his head back, thrusts getting sloppier and sloppier, and you know he’s close. 

“Fuck,” he groans, rubbing tight circles on your clit, until you feel yourself snap, gushing around him. “Where can I–”

Your hand rests on his jaw, rubbing small circles into it, and you’re pushing him back, watching his eyes widen in shock as you lower, taking him in between your lips. Jisung makes a strangled noise when he feels himself hit the back of your throat, twitching once before spilling into you. 

The two of you fall into each other, heavy breaths mingling, and Jisung buries his head into the crook of your neck. You feel him smile against you, and your own soft smile lights up your face, the both of you falling asleep holding each other.

It must be the middle of the night before you muster up the energy to move, cleaning yourself off and changing into a comfy shirt and sweatpants. Behind you, Jisung is still dozing off, his face even softer in sleep than it was awake, and you stroke his cheek.

Feeling bad, you slip out, deciding to make him a cup of coffee. There’s a pang in your heart when you realize that he has to leave after this, that the two of you made no promises to each other. Every muscle in your body is aching as you hunch over the boiling coffee pot, begging you to ask him to stay. 

From the corner of your eye, you spot the pink vibrator sitting on the counter, still in its packaging, and you chuckle, realizing you’d never got a chance to put it away.

“I hope you’re not thinking of using that without me,” you jump in shock at Jisung’s voice, turning around to see him grinning at you, hair mussed and clothes rumpled. 

“Oh god, Jisung, I’m so sorry, your job, I didn’t even realize,” panic sets in as you try to make an excuse, guilt filling your chest for dragging him into your heartbreak.

“___,” he comes up to you, wrapping you in a hug from behind, his head resting on your shoulder. “Believe me, I wouldn’t have stayed unless I wanted to. And I wanted to.”

“Really?” you breathe out, unable to believe he’s actually saying this. “Why?”

You can’t stop your voice from cracking, the doubt creeping in again when you thought about how things had been good with Minho, and yet they hadn’t lasted, believing that someway, somehow, it was your fault. That you hadn’t been enough.

Jisung chuckles into your neck, pressing a kiss onto your cheek. 

“You’re so cute. I wanna be here for you, in whatever way you need. If that wasn’t evidence enough, I’m kinda into you.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

You feel your heart explode at his self-assuredness, finding comfort in his presence. When the morning came you knew he’d have to go, but maybe, just maybe, you’d let yourself be needy again. Especially when it worked out so well the last time.

a/n pt. 2: As always, any comments or feedback are much appreciated, but I appreciate you all anyway. Lots of love, Isi <3

[rinsko]

if you’re foolishly in love with me it’s a fine day for sure ☘︎ ݁˖ taste the fruit of me make love to all you see make a wish

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[temozarela]

-> spectating

GOJO X GETO X READER MDNI, smut, masturbation, dubious consent, rough sex, anal sex, tears, bottom gojo, top geto

whoever decided to play seven minutes in heaven with three people owed you. no, they really owed you

WORD COUNT: 2k

ao3 version

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

It had been Gojo’s turn to spin the bottle, and when the green glass neck had pointed at you, your cheeks had burned with embarrassment. No, maybe anticipation. Perhaps you had been shy in the spotlight of his amused gaze. It didn’t matter, because when the bottle had spun again and pointed at Geto, you wanted to bury your head in your hands. They weren’t exactly quiet about their sex life, and since The Incident of 2015, you knew that a third party wouldn’t deter them from their goal. So there you were, palms pressed against the door behind you as you leaned against the wall, the two men already lip-locked. Cucking the worst people you knew hadn’t been on your to-do list but seemingly God endorsed spontaneity. You guessed he also endorsed plain cruelty. Gojo whimpered against Geto’s lips as the buttons of his shirt were undone, the white linen crumpling on the floor. His torso was toned… No fuck that, he was ripped. His biceps and abs rippled with each frantic pull at Geto’s body, his stomach hollowing with each desperate breath. Pink blossomed over his pale chest, matching the rosy nubs of his nipples. In any other circumstance, you may have teased him for the way his upper body curved in a gentle hourglass. Girls would kill for that figure, you thought begrudgingly. Then Geto’s Hawaiian shirt was lost and your mind buffered. Nipple piercings. Geto had nipple piercings. They were gold and gorgeous, barely exposed to your wide eyes before they were being pulled and pinched between Gojo’s fingers. He was even bigger than Gojo. Gojo was lean, but Geto was built. There wasn’t an inch of tanned skin that wasn’t stretched by bulging muscle.

Gojo tipped his head back and moaned breathily as Geto peppered kisses down his throat. It occurred to you then that they had barely acknowledged you. However, their bad etiquette disappeared from your mind as Geto sucked at Gojo’s milky neck, leaving red and purple bruises as he went. The room you were in was suddenly filled with wet smacking noses as his lips and tongue worked at the pristine skin. With mild dread and overwhelming anticipation, you noticed that Gojo’s long fingers were working at his own belt. As soon as it was thrown to the floor, his black jeans bunched around his ankles and he was left in only his tight, blue boxers. You couldn’t even pretend not to see the massive mountain in the fabric. Everything began to feel far too real as your lustful stare honed in on the wet spot at the summit. Geto pulled away and assessed Gojo’s crotch. It was then, the man spared you a distracted look.

“If you get off to this, I won’t blame you.”

His voice was low and smooth. It wasn’t an instruction, nor was his tone forceful, but you sank to the ground. Once Geto had returned his attention to rubbing his thumb over Gojo’s clothed tip, you felt under your skirt for your panties, not able to take your eyes off them. When your fingers found the lacy fabric, you slipped them under it. Soaked. A spike of pleasure rippled through you as you experimentally rubbed your clit. Fuck. Gojo moaned sluttily as his boxers were pulled down his long legs. Fuck. His cock sprung up, his tip touching his stomach. Fuck. You hadn’t seen many cocks before in your life, maybe one or two in person, but you knew he wasn’t small. The head was pink, so glossy with precum that it looked like it was carved from rose quartz. Your fingers had returned to subtly spreading your slick up and down between your folds, resisting the urge to jolt every time your fingertip brushed your sensitive clit. Geto’s jeans were next, his boxers pulled down with them. He was smaller than Gojo in length, but thicker and- fuck, his tip was pierced. Their naked bodies collided with a slap, their hands roaming, grabbing, scratching, and pulling as they sloppily made out. If you weren’t so absorbed with the way their cocks twitched and rubbed together as their hips absentmindedly thrusted in an animalistic frenzy, you may have noticed Gojo’s whiny pleads as Geto’s palms slid lower and lower down his back. Your fingers had sped up on your clit as Gojo bit down on Geto’s shoulder.

“Please, please, fuck! Suguru, please-” Gojo whimpered, clawing at Geto’s back as he licked the bite mark on his shoulder almost apologetically. “Pleasepleaseplease, I wanna cum-”

“Patience, Satoru,” Geto cooed as his finger prodded Gojo’s opening, “Good things come to good boys who wait.” That must have been the moment when he pressed down on Gojo’s hole, because Gojo trembled. Geto pulled back his hand to spit on his fingers before returning to their previous position. You watched, breath held, as Geto slipped a finger in. Gojo wailed, cock jumping at the intrusion. And you? You were dripping onto the cold tiles below you.

It must have been seven minutes by now.

Watching Gojo be stretched by Geto’s fingers was erotic, to say the least. You had never seen Gojo so submissive. If you had it in you, it would’ve made amazing bullying material. Another finger went in, and Gojo buried his face in the crook of Geto’s neck, moaning like a bitch in heat with each movement of the digits inside of him. Soon enough, Gojo must have been deemed loose enough, because Geto slammed him against the wall next to you. Startled, you shuffled back, hand still nested inside your panties. Though the assholes didn’t acknowledge it of course, because Geto was now positioned at Gojo’s entrance and pushing in.

It was far too much excitement for one night, a voice at the back of your head reasoned, but was drowned out by the mantra of ‘fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck’ which echoed from every corner of your mind like a tornado siren. Gojo’s blunt nails clawed against the wall as crystalline tears began to drip down his flushed cheeks. The pinkness of his under-eyes only emphasised the startling blueness of his azurite irises, the tears glinting in the low light like diamonds. A familiar burning in your lower body caused you to tip your head back, your eyes fluttering shut against your will as you attempted to stave off your orgasm. Next to you, the wet slaps of the boys’ bodies got faster, Geto’s low grunts and Gojo’s whorish mewls and cries fuelling your imagination as your back arched. You edged yourself, tearing your hand from your panties at the last minute. Then, you opened your eyes. One thing you realised, was that you weren’t prepared for the sight in front of you. You hadn’t realised that they’d changed positions, and this was so much more… intense. Gojo now had his back to the wall, long legs wrapped around Geto’s string hips and arms around his shoulders. One hand had found purchase in Geto’s hair, pulling the ebony strands with strength which might have made you wince if you weren’t so turned on, the other hand was leaving fresh, red lines across Geto’s shoulder blades, droplets of ruby blood welling up in his wake. You might have felt sympathetic for Geto, if his teeth weren’t buried in Gojo’s trapezius as he snarled against the sore flesh. Amongst the moans and vicious sounds of skin-to-skin contact, a faint shuffling noise was coming from where Geto had set a punishing pace, fucking Gojo into the wall and moving him up and down the wooden columns. At a closer glance, Gojo’s cock was bouncing with every thrust into the air. He was so wet. Precum was dripping from his slit like a leaky faucet, creating a loud schlick noise as Geto’s hand worked his cock in time with his thrusts as he abused his prostate and sensitive shaft simultaneously. Your hand was back on your clit before you knew it. Fuck waiting for those two. You tried to set your pace with Geto’s powerful thrusts, but it made you over-sensitive, so you slowed down, leaving the abuse to the other two.

“Suguru, fuck! Fuck, fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!” Gojo screamed, his grip on Geto’s shoulders leaving red marks. He humped the air uselessly as Geto released his grasp, effectively edging him.

Geto grinned, his expression edging on animalistic. “Now, what did I say about patience?” He sped up his thrusts, almost out of malice as Gojo whined, shaking his head.

“I wanna cum- ‘Guru! Please- fuck! Lemme! I’ll be good!”

Gojo’s cheeks were wet with tears as Geto laughed, reaching to cup his face with one hand. In return, Gojo seemed to give him his best puppy eyes. With his eyes shrink-wrapped in tears, he almost looked adorable, you thought. There was definitely a ‘please, sir’ thrown into that stare, but maybe a ‘daddy’ too, if you looked hard enough. It came across that then Geto decided to be merciful as he reached with his other hand to massage the base of Gojo’s cock, his thumb tracing a prominent vein at the bottom of his shaft. With the hand cradling Gojo’s face, Geto tapped his red, bitten lips with his thumb, slipping it inside when Gojo ever-so obediently opened his tongue and stuck his tongue out.

“I have a feeling they might get fed up and open the door soon…” Geto cocked his head, slowly fucking Gojo’s mouth with his thumb as he jerked him off in ernest, “As much as I’d like them to see you like this…” He mused, “I’d hate to leave our witness disappointed.”

You straightened up a little at some sort of acknowledgment.

“Yeah, don’t leave me traumatised and blue balled.” You muttered, tracing circles around your clit, stalling.

Geto hummed in acknowledgment, “You hear that, Satoru?” He whispered, looking into Gojo’s half-lidded eyes, “It’s the least you could do.”

Geto removed his thumb from his mouth, licking the excess of saliva which dripped from the appendage. His pace of his hips and hand sped up and Gojo moaned, mouth wide open as he clumsily gripped the sides of Geto’s face, leaning forward to lethargically lick into the other man’s mouth in what, you guessed, was an attempt to make out. After sucking on Geto’s lower slip he leaned back again, a mixture of their saliva dripping from his glistening lips.

“Fuck, Suguru…” Gojo whined, fucking faster into Geto’s hand, “Oh fuck, I think…” He swallowed, “I think I’m gonna-”

Geto shushed him, his thumb moving to rub the tip of the other man’s cock. Gojo’s legs trembled, his moans getting higher in pitch and volume as his back arched. Your own pace sped up as you rubbed your clit, the noise of the copious amount of slip dripping from you was almost embarrassing. With a final twitch of his cock, Gojo squirted over his own abdomen, his seed dribbling over the contours of his abs. Then, Geto sped up, and so did you. You were the first to cum, clenching around nothing as your clit throbbed and swelled. Then Geto, whose thrusts slowed as he pumped Gojo full of his spend.

When they were done, Gojo swore loudly.

“Fuck! My back!” He scowled, stretching stiffly.

Geto laughed.

You adjusted yourself, albeit awkwardly, as you stood, attempting to erase any evidence of the fact you had just gotten off to the most obnoxious couple in the friend group.

“Not even a warning?” You spare them a withering glare, and they freeze comically. Gojo scratched the back of his head sheepishly whilst Geto just smiled, slyly.

“What? Are you complaining?” Geto teased.

Your cheeks felt warm, “No.”

Gojo looked up from where he had started wiping cum from his inner thighs and chest, “No?” He grinned.

Geto narrowed his eyes as he looked at Gojo, “Is that my shirt?” Gojo winced.

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

Leaving that room was the single most awkward thing you had ever done. It had been over twenty minutes. Twenty. You weren’t scared for Gojo and Geto, since everyone either knew what had happened, or didn’t want to. No, everybody wanted to know what you had done. You weren’t exactly proud of it.

You had leaned over to Gojo before you left the room, your voice a hushed whisper.

“Can you just say we had a threesome? I don’t want people knowing that I got off to you two.”

“Ha! Sure.”

[alessiathepirate]

Pre-Resident Evil 4

A GOOD ENOUGH MOVE: Jack Krauser x fem!reader

Summary: Training with Jack Krauser can be quite the challenge - unless she finds a good enough move.

Notes: English isn't my first language. I apologize for any mistake I made while I wrote this short story.

As much as I love Leon and Luis, I can't deny that this guy makes me feel things as well.

Warnings: violence (fighting, training, knives), slightly suggestive

•••

The sound of knife meeting knife was something she was already used to.

It didn't come as a surprise or as a shocking attack anymore - it has became a long awaited occurence. She could see it happening the moment she opened her eyes in the morning and she thought about a new move to dodge it as she ate breakfast.

She could calculate Krauser's moves pretty well by now, but that didn't mean that she could protect herself against him. Not when he was taller, stronger and heavier, making it easy for him to push her against the wall or kick her feet out and push her down to the ground.

She wasn't stronger than Jack Krauser even if she could think like him.

Once again, it wasn't hard for him to kick her knife out of her hand and with a simple shove push her against the wall. Her forehead was sticky from sweat and her shirt was stuck to her body like a second skin. God, this man can make the training tiring.

"This is pathetic - even from you." she wasn't at all surprised when the blade was pushed against her throat and she knew that with a simple move of his wrist, Krauser could easily kill her.

Just a simple slice and that's it. A wrong breath or a wrong move and she's dead.

Even if deep down she knew the man wasn't capable of killing her - that would ruin his reputation for a lifetime - he definitely had the skill to do so.

"You should be perfectly capable to perform a simple dodge. It's the easiest skill to learn. Even Kennedy knows it, yet you don't." his breathing was heavy, like a predator's who trapped his prey and was about to put it out of its misery. "I expected more from you. Much more."

She pressed her palms against the wall next to her body, not daring to touch the Major everyone hated around here - at least Leon did and that fact alone was enough to form a friendship with him - as if a simple touch could end her life. She avoided the eye contact - because deep down the part of herself what became completely ruined in this place believed his every word.

He leaned in, getting closer than he already was. This time his breath hit her temple.

"Still being shy, huh?" she could see the smirk forming on his face. "Can't even keep up with an eye contact."

He could mock her all he wanted, but deep down she knew the truth. Krauser prefered her like this - weak, shy, 'pathetic'. He had too much fun with her, he enjoyed tormenting her with his words too much to actually want her to change and become a cold blooded soldier.

"I'm sorry, Major." she apologized for something - even she herself didn't know what for.

His other hand touched her shoulder and pushed it back firmly. She felt her hearbeat quicken. Krauser, who probably had seen many people scared and anxious under his gaze, felt the difference in her presence.

"Rumor has it," he started pressing the blade a bit further into her skin. "I make you nervous." he finished, looking at her expression from so close she actually started to feel nervous.

Her mind started to run wild both from fear and a bit of arousal. Her lungs hurt from trying to keep her breathing steady, her mouth felt dry and her stomach fluttered.

"What do you say, girl scout? Do I make you nervous?"

His breath was hot on her skin and she was sure it made her sweat more. His hand what kept a firm hold on her shoulder traveled upwards. If she wouldn't have been through Hell in these past few weeks, which made her look like a person who had been dragged through Hell, she would've started to feel special and wanted.

Did he make her nervous?

He did for sure. He did everytime he trained her and made her do extra sets of excercises because of a 'pathetic' move or dodge. He made her nervous everytime he followed her with his gaze even when she had a few minutes of free time. He made it hard to breath everytime he dodged, touched and squeezed.

He very obviously made her nervous with his whole existence.

"I don't know, Major." she answered after pulling herself together and finding her best teasing tone. "What do you think?"

The smirk what followed her question was something wild mixed with a bit of danger. From what she could see from his face, she read satisfaction and excitement.

"What do I think?" she turned to look at him, cutting her own skin with the knife from the movement - she hissed, but kept her composure. "I think your pulse tells me everything I need to know." he moved his hand back to her shoulder. "I think you enjoy this training too much for your own good - I think it explains your pathetic moves."

He was close. Way too close. She felt the muscles in her thigh tighten and her heart started to flutter.

"I do enjoy your company, Major." she continued as the cogs in her mind worked with full force. "I might as well say what I feel."

His grip on her became even firmer if that was possible.

"Such a tease." the words came out as a whisper, as if Krauser would try to keep his real feelings from coming out, stopping them before they could touch the surface.

He leaned even closer, his breath brushed her cheek and then her lips. He was so close she started to wonder how kissing him would feel. Would it be rough? It couldn't possibly be on the softer side. Krauser wasn't kind to anyone and he most definitely wouldn't go soft on her. Still - would it be full of passion, would it be quick or would he take his time?

She closed her eyes as she almost felt his lips on hers-

Her eyes opened much quicker than she closed them as she pushed her head back into the wall. That's when she broke out. Her hands left the wall, ready to act. She kicked upwards with her right leg, her knee meeting with his stomach with such a force she didn't know she had it in herself. It was only a second long shock, but it was enough - she punched upwards with her free arm, the punch only barely hitting him in the jaw, but his natural instincts worked just fine - like she thought.

Krauser stepped back, letting go of her shoulder, but keeping the knife in place, what she managed to get with a firm twist from her previously trapped arm.

Dodge - he attacked back. Of course he would.

Change of positions. She got to Krauser's previous place and after a hard kick to his feet, she had him where she wanted him. Knife to the throat, back to the wall.

It was her time to smirk - even if she knew it wouldn't take long for him to get his composure back and easily overpower her once again.

She didn't care - a small win is still a win.

"Is this a good enough move, Major?" she asked - god she'll have an extra two if not three sets for this. "Is this what you expected me to do?"

She expected him to become angry, yet all she saw was a twisted kind of satisfaction.

"Such a quick learner."

It was the only praise she has ever gotten from him. Her cheeks reddened. Even if she knew a way to make him dance, he knew one to make her weak - and aroused.

It didn't take long until he had a hold on her wrist.

"I learned from the best, Major."

He tilted his head and she swallowed. He was interested and now she was most definitely prey in front of something wild and primal.

[acewritesfics]

Her Vampire | Eddie Munson

Pairing: Eddie Munson x Hunter!Reader 

Request: From narcolepticpeaches.

Warnings: mentions vampire stuff and murder.

Word Count: 847

Stranger Things Masterlist | Main Masterlist

A rustling noise is heard behind Y/N, followed by the sound of steel hitting steel, startling her. In the disgustingly scorching summer heat, a refreshing gust of wind blows by her, causing goosebumps to cover her skin.  

She turns around to head back inside but is once more startled to see someone standing there under the lamp that hung over the back door. When she realizes who is standing there, her startled expression changes to a scowl.  

“What the hell, Munson? Why do you insist on scaring the crap out of me every time?”  

“It’s fun,” her stare intensifies as he shrugs his shoulders with a cheeky smile on his lips. “Relax, you know I won’t let you get hurt.” The way he says it and looks at her makes her blush and turn away from him. “Don’t go shy on me, sweetheart.” 

“I’m not shy,” she says, her cheeks flushing a deeper shade of red as she rolls her eyes at his taunting. “How come you’re here? Isn’t tonight your "busy” night?“  

He gives her a charming, innocent smile while looking at her with his deep brown eyes that are doe-like. This is the same expression that convinced her that there is still a part of him that is human. "I got done early and I wanted to come see my favorite girl.”  

“I’m your only girl,” she points out, making the vampire chuckle knowing she’s right. His already small friendship circle shrank even further after he was turned. 

Before she went looking for him one night a year ago, Eddie and Y/N were never friends. She found herself ignoring her many years of training and principles because she was unable to pierce his heart, and he could never bring himself to hurt her in any way. Instead, the two forged a partnership that resulted in a friendship neither of them anticipated and an unbreakable bond. She had defied her hunter family by choosing Eddie over them. It was now them vs. the rest of the world.  

She blushes once more as he says, “That may be true, but even if I did have other girls in my undead life, you’d still be my favorite.”  

She tries to ignore the heat in her cheeks and the butterflies in her stomach as she faces him again as she tries to compose herself, “Enough with the flattery, Munson. Is there any reason why you’re here other than to annoy me?” 

“You are aware of the recent deaths that have occurred in the past two weeks,” he inquires.   

Y/N nods as she contemplates the four murder victims, who had their bodies mutilated and blood drained. She believes it’s a vampire, but all of her leads have come up empty. She failed to find any evidence of the vampire. “You’re sure it’s a vampire?”  

“Unless you want to believe the newest rumor going around town,” he scoffs. 

Everyone has been talking about Eddie being back in Hawkins, going on another killing rampage in the small town since the first body was discovered. Even though the way the bodies were discovered was different to Vecna’s victims, the victims weren’t high school kids and they were all a certain type - female, between the ages of 25-35, married, 2 kids, petite, black hair, green eyes and pale skin.  

She was aware that neither the original murders nor the most recent killings were committed by Eddie. He had explained to her how he was turned, including everything that went down with Vecna.  Never once did she doubt his innocence. She likes to think she knows him well enough to know he wouldn’t kill somebody unless absolutely necessary. 

“You know I don’t listen to local gossip,” she responds. “Have you discovered anything about this vampire? I’ve tried to find him but I’ve come up empty.”  

“I know where he’s staying,” he informs her.  

“And you haven’t dealt with him yet?” she says a little surprised. It was common for Eddie to deal with murder spree serial killer vampires that tortured their victims on his own.  

“I figured you would like to take this one,” he replies.  

“Then what are we waiting for?” she asks as she walks past him to return to her trailer.  

“Hold on,” he murmured, grasping her hand, his icy cold skin sending chills down her spine, but not in a bad way. He must have heard her heart skip a beat because of the way his eyes dart from her face to her chest. Her cheeks are red again.  

“We-we should go,” she stutters. Her breath catches as he  glides his hand up her arm, delicately stroking her flesh. She can feel and hear the pounding of her heart, which is beating a million miles per minute. She glances away from him in an attempt to regulate her breathing and heartbeat. 

“He’s not going away; I’ve immobilized him for a few hours,” he lets her know. “We’ve got time.”  

“It’s time for what?” She asks, perplexed. He smiles as he lowers his head and kisses her for the first time. 

[in33d4n4me]

"Try me"

Warnings: Swearing

Synopsis: Basically a shy aruji-sama is not letting nobody talk bad about their butlers

A/n: yaaay Vee is becoming consistent with their content

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You really tried not to be rude.

But these damn nobles think they're better than everyone else

Your butlers risk their lives everyday and this is how they're repaid???

It didn't help that you were a shy person, so you didn't have the courage to snap back at them

Not at first.

But as time went on, and you truly saw how badly your butlers- no- your friends were being mistreated, you got even more upset.

When going on your first shopping trip in espoir, you were first exposed to how the townsfolk hated them.

You never understood why.

The butlers help them all day, every day.

Then, that same day, when ammon was beaten and the men that had taken part in his beating dared to tell him to fight?

You will never forget the rage you felt.

You never forgot their faces either.

You didn't forget the faces they made when they were taken by the angels either

Serves them right

Now, the butlers aren't very aware of how pissed off it makes you.

They understand that it makes you upset, but not how upset you are about it.

In all honesty, everyone should be borderline worshipping them with how much they save people's asses

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When you were at the ball, and you bumped into that noble and sprained your wrist, when lucas came over to help, you'll never forget the words the noble spewed out of his filthy mouth

"Not a single one of you Devil Butler's is a good person."

Huh?

What the hell was he saying?

Lucas was just making sure you were okay?

Yet another reason to despise the nobles, it seems

Well, that's just one reason added to many

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You've been with the butlers for months now, and over and over, they're mistreated by townspeople and nobles.

The final straw was when a female noble had made fun of flure because he "looked too much like a girl", while he was shopping for fabrics in espoir.

What?

"Care to repeat that, ma'am? I don't think I heard you properly."

To say you were pissed the fuck off would be an understatement, but your face held a smile that didn't quite reach your eyes.

You were now in front of flure, hiding him behind you while staring straight in to the nobles' eyes.

" I mean, look at him! He looks weak and frail, there's no way he could be a devil butler. He probably can't even fight!" The noble said as she giggled a little bit.

At this point, flure was now fully hiding behind you. He wants to dissappear.

"Honestly, this is why people keep getting attacked by angels, because we're trusting weaklings like him to defend us."

"Well then protect yourselves." You snap back with a harsh tone. If looks could kill, that noble would be in the grave already.

"Excuse me!?" She seems appalled, not expecting you to come at her. And apparently flure wasn't expecting it either. You were always so calm and quiet.

"You heard what I said." You snarled back at her

"If you think they're so weak, then defend yourselves. Don't ask them for anything. You insult them, and treat them like trash, and on top of that, you expect them to be perfect?!?!? Did it ever occur to you, oh-so- selfish noble, that they're also fucking human?!?!? They may have the power of devils, but they still have human emotions and limitations. You can't just say shit like that and expect them to work for assholes like you!"

At this point, a group of townspeople gathered around you, flure, and the noble, and needless to say, they're rethinking how they treat the butlers.

The noble looks around and realizes that others have seen her get called out, and tried to formulate a response.

"Well I've never seen such a disrespectful little-"

"Disrespectful?"

"If anyone is disrespectful, it's you lady. How about you acknowledge that fact first. And don't you ever talk to me about disrespect. Let's go flure."

You drag flure behind you while he's in shock. He's strangely happy though. His master defending him makes him smile a little while blushing.

When you get back to the mansion, you're still pissed off, but try to hide it. Flure is still in shock.

"Hm? What's this? Are you alright, you two?" Berrien seems to materialize in front of you, and while you're a little startled. You still answer him.

"Yes, we're alright, some noble was being a jerk while we were shopping though." You respond, looking displeased when mentioning that disgusting noble.

"Ah. I see. I'm sorry to hear that. And flure, are you sire you're alright? You look rather jarred."

"A-ah, yes I'm fine, it was a successful shopping trip. Sorry for worrying you."

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Needless to say, the butlers were confused when everyone in town was treating them kindly.

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A/n #2: wanted to write this bcs the nobles piss me off with how they treat the butlers smh

[enfieldtennisacademy]

i have spent the last two weeks in my childhood bedroom where i was molested and i have grown so manic depressive that i seriously believe i could peel my skin off like a boiled apple. "honor leave ur room go do something" okaaaay i will and then i immediately face the bridge troll of this overblown doublewide trailer... the patron saint of hebephilia who wants to be my bestttt frieeendddd even though ive made it so fucking clear i want nothing to do with him. i am truthfully waiting for him to die. make it past that hurtle and then get in my car with my suspended license and then drive around aimlessly because i do not know one person in this town. sometimes i get a canned water or melatonin from the store. and then i return home and get high or drink

got insanely fucked up a few days ago to escape the fucking evil that plagues this house and my walls but the whole time my mind just tallied up every single horrible thing that's happened in my life. i was so scared shaking and shit but my brain couldn't stop. it was like a powerpoint presentation and each slide was increasingly more intense and i cant even remember it now as i sit here to ""blog"" about it. i think sometimes i daywalk as someone who is very normal but then i consider how upside down my entire life has been since i was a little blonde child. like how do i just push this aside and do normal things like spin classes and road trips and a 9 to 5 when the basis of my bones are made out of horrible freak show occurances that not even my brain can remember? how am i supposed to make dinner for my husband and kids one day when this is how my brain and body functions? ill be standing at the stove pondering every single time i was torn to shreds and then have to face some cute fat kids and try and separate their world from that one. like i dont even know if theres a book to help with that......

like im not shy about how fucking tortured i am. my friends know exactly who i am and what has made me into the strange erratic doll they know and love to kick. i dont know how many times i'm going to cry to the point im hyperventilating and vomiting while people stare at me like a horse with a broken leg. eventually i will grow tired of being a strange facet ppl need to avoid eye contact with. or worse......... a spectacle to gossip about for 2.0 seconds over white gay male brunch. i wear my heart on my sleeve, which can be VERY embarrassing sometimes, but my life isnt a secret. everyone knows ive been preyed on and touched on and beat down. but i think ppl are so afraid of it being "AWKWARD" that they avoid me. they dont want me to start crying or for there to be a lull in the conversation because they dont know what to say in response to my batshit. so they have normal lives and they go to spin class and road trips and 9 to 5s while i get way way worse waiting for someone to rescue me. (rescue me: Be a friend). (Be a friend = chill w me. Be forgiving with my neuroticisms. Hang out and be normal to someone who doesn't get a whole lot of that. You know.)

anyway.......... i am an inchworm away from a total religion-fueled meltdown and turning to the church because i feel so hopeless and i feel like they will coddle me like a powdered little baby. i will at the very least take a text from a school buddy or a walk around the block w someone who hasn't tried to kill me or get me to do it myself. but until then i will continue sprinting on the treadmill and scrolling gaga daily and being haunted by my past until its seriously too much to bare. im gonna jump off the spring breakers bridge fr

[unsupervised-threat]

There are no narrative inconsistencies in RT's Act 4. Period. Zero.

Also known as: my friend channeling her inner Cegorach, to deal with Act 4 shenanigans.

Obviously full of spoilers and critique bordering on venting. But in a hilarious way.

Me & the gals read it and had a good laugh, so we poked her to share it in public, but she's too shy. So now I'm going to share it. With her permission, of course XD

There are no narrative inconsistencies. Period. Zero. None.

Act 4 starts with the portal spitting us out on Janus, annoying Muaran.

“Fucking mon-keigh…” greets Muaran, despite us being allies. Once again, I beg Muaran to give me some colony projects, but he ignores me. We make our way back to my voidship with me wiping my tears away, while Yrliet pats me on the back sympathetically.

“Lord Captain! It is high time you do something about your xenos pet!” says Argenta and Heinrix the moment I finally sat my arse on my stupid throne. I look at them dead in the eye, tired of repeating myself, then I give them the middle finger. “Argenta, how about I lash you instead for what you did?” I add, but she ignores me. Everyone ignores what I just said, and I begin to question if Argenta ever admitted doing what she did. 'Okay. Must be the trauma induced delusions imagining these things, then’ I thought to myself, deciding to forget the whole thing.

Time to retire to my chambers for some peace and quiet.

KnockKnock. Idira wants to speak to me. KnockKnock Heinrix wants to speak to me. KnockKocno, black screen wants to speak to me. KocnoKoco, uh, wants to speeketh to meeh!?error?error??crash to desktop. Reboot required. …I meta-reload and decide to leave my chambers without resting. The cursed knocking finally ceases. The error filled warp releases us from its grip.

Let’s get down to Rogue Trading business.

“Anything interesting occurring in my absence?” I ask my bridge officer. “Lord Captain, Winterscale had misplaced himself in one of his jungle planets, Chorda allied herself with Lord Calcazar taking Footfall from us, and all of our colonies are on fire.” “Terrific news.” In no hurry, I make my way to scan random planets for resources which later I will find out I can’t even use. There is no more content. “Funny how little actual Rogue Trading I do when it’s basically my only fucking job…” I mumble to myself while finally turning to see what’s up with Chorda.

Bzzz! Zbang!

“Lord Captain!” Uh-oh. “What now?” I ask, hopeful for content™ “Lord Captain, we have intercepted an anomaly that almost collided with us,” reports my Vox Mistress. “Okay? Anything else about it?” I ask. “No, nothing else to report.” “...” “Then why the dramatic interruption? Is this not leading up to anything? My journal entry did not get updated. What was the point of this?” My Vox Mistress shrugs, “Only the Emperor knows, Lord Captain.” “...”

We reach Footfall, and we find out that Chorda is hanging Pirates for Piracy on a Piracy planetoid. “Hm. How does that make any sense? Is it not easier to just bomb the entire planet instead of purging it manually like this?” I question the logic of it out loud to no one in particular.

Chorda smirks smirkingly at my arrival. With the attitude of Paris Hilton welcoming some schmuck into her 5 stars Hilton hotel. “How do you like my deliverance of Imperium justice, RT?” she smugly asks. I frown. “How do you like this planetoid barren of any life forms if you plan on killing every single man here?” She ignores my questions and suddenly declares me to be placed under trial. “Sorry, what did you just say? A trial? A 3rd trial after I just escaped from Commorragh? Are you okay?” ‘Am I okay?’

Feeling overwhelmed by the stupidity of this narrative I pick up her spoon to eat this random man’s brains raw. Marazhai, for some reason, is into it. “You are disgusting” says Chorda, who 5 seconds prior also partook in eating this poor sod’s brains. “And you are a hypocrite who has peas for brains. Is that why you’re doing this? To replenish your non-existent brain lobs, perhaps?” I say, unimpressed with her insult.

In a flustered panic, Chorda shares Vladaym’s location and tells me to go kill him, despite me making it clear I despise her and want her dead. “Why are you telling me th- Oh for fu-, you know what? Nevermind. Let’s just go.” We leave.

We reach Vladaym's super secret hide out. “Hello to you, you sneaky rascal” I greet him in a friendly manner, because we’ve already established we’re allies. “Your Ladyship, you might not have a lot of love for me or our business-” “What?” I interrupt him. “What do you mean, Vladaym? I traded with the Kasballica. Do you even check your statistics? I am literally your number 1 store buyer. I send Footfall provisions. I kept you in charge of Footfall under Valancius’ wing. I was nice to you personally. What do you mean, I don't have a lot of love for you???!”

I get ignored, as per usual.

“Yo” says Hieronymus, making an aquila gesture greeting. “Yo” I salute back, making an aeldari greeting gesture in return. “Did you know I’m a piece of shit who indoctrinated Chorda since she was little to be the ultimate heretic killing machine? This is why she is the way she is btw.” Hieronymus admits with little prompting. “Oh, spare me her sob story! Are you serious?!” Hieronymus doesn’t respond, just soullessly stares at me, giving me nothing.

I become desperate.

“You info dumping her sob story on me, ONLY WITH A DOGMATIC DIALOGUE OPTION, is all this game gives me to make me like her enough to redeem her AS AN ICONOCLAST? How does that make any sense?! This is truly all you are going to give me??” I grab onto Hieronymus’ sleeve, having lost it entirely. The priest looks down at me with pity then shrugs. “The Emperor bestows a lot on his followers, my child. The gift of logic and sense however... were omitted here.” “Omitted? You mean just for this quest only, right? This is simply a flaw, a hiccup in the overarching narrative, and not for the rest of the story, father? Right? Right, father???” “...I am so sorry, my child. But while we’re at it, I must warn you. You will aggro my boss fight regardless of what you do during this quest.”

I stare into the dirty rooftop of the bar, to avoid tears leaking out of my eyeballs. The dirty metallic rooftop stares back. "I am not possessed or insane. Everything around me is simply too bugged. Nothing is real." I mumble crazily to comfort myself. The dirty rooftop then laughs at me, seeing how I have not reached any of the conviction point thresholds that are required for anything during this act.

I snap and let out an inhuman screech, pressing the quit button.

[jodilin65]

SUNDAY, JANUARY 31, 2021 Going to end up having 6 anxious days in January and tomorrow will be my third skip since I still don’t feel 100% better. I have zero hope of ever overcoming this. The old me really is gone forever. I feel like I’m being punished for some horrible thing I never did.

Going to try a new experiment where I skip every other week no matter how I feel to see if that prevents it from occurring in the first place.

I found two cases of two different doctors online that say it’s better to skip your thyroid meds if you forget a dose rather than double up and risk ODing. So once again, my doctor lied by saying I shouldn’t have had the problems I had back when I thought I double-dosed. Even Doc O told me to double up the next day if I forgot a dose. Now that I know that yes, you can OD on an extra dose even if it may not be lethal, maybe I really did double dose after all when I first started having problems even though it’s unlikely. I’ll never know. I just know that at this point it really is either the medication or something in my brain chemistry that went wrong around the time I started it since I can’t blame it on changing hormones anymore since they’ve already changed. So unless they changed for the absolute worst, I still say most of it has always been on the meds.

There’s this older woman in Arizona that I’ve become cyber friends with on PB. She says that not only was the mammogram she had done just shy of her 50th birthday in the late 90s painful but when they detected a suspicious spot, she said the needle biopsy hurt more than the natural births of her two kids combined. Precisely why I don’t bother with mamos!

If skipping again tomorrow doesn’t help, then the problem is likely the new statins. I’m not gonna pay $75 for the more expensive brand that doesn’t make me as anxious if that’s what it is, even if it’s for 3 months’ worth, so gonna quit statins if skipping the Levo doesn’t help. Not worth feeling miserable to maybe prevent a heart attack/stroke I may never have. If something doesn’t have symptoms, I would rather just let it kill me than put myself through painful testing and medication that may backfire on me. I’ve lived long enough, I don’t have any dependents, and I know Tom would get by just fine being the hermit that he is. When he says he could easily never go out again in his life and have everything he needed delivered to him, I totally believe that. Nothing wrong with that contrary to what judgemental people like Andy may believe as we are who we are and we’re not all the same. Me, I do like to get out at least once a week but with the pandemic, it’s stupid to take unnecessary risks other than a trip out to Rite Aid every now and then. We’ll probably go there either this morning or tomorrow morning.

Shit. I forgot the food. Sugary treats and frozen pizza can fuel my anxiety, both of which I’ve had, especially when I’m due for a levo skip. Tom also thinks it’s partly my schedule and being alone too long because he slept longer than expected. I just hope tomorrow is a better day! I’ll definitely go back to eating healthy and skip another dose. Better to miss variety in my diet than to suffer. But if I’m still anxious tomorrow then I’m really going to start wondering about those statins even though I tend to agree with Tom in that they shouldn’t cause that compared to something like the thyroid medication.

Later…

Slept long and well. No nightmares. I feel better. I think. It’s too early in my day to get my hopes up but it’s looking like yeah, it was just another one of those wonderful thyroid storms that most doctors will tell you don’t exist. If, however, I do get anxious later on, I’m going to stop the statins for a week and see how I do. Then I’ll start them back up and we’ll see what happens. But it’s looking like we were right about those not being the culprit. I never truly thought they were but it’s too soon to get my happy dance on. Don’t wanna jinx things by jumping the gun but yeah, I’m better. I feel it. Actually, it’s what I don’t feel. That God-awful adrenaline kick in my chest.

Now if only Tom’s back could get better too! And my bestie’s belly.

Decided I am going to go ahead and do automatic skips on or around the 1st and 15th of each month to see if it wards off the anxiety in the first place. I won’t skip tomorrow because I skipped today. If doing this helps, that would not only be a huge relief for me but it would also confirm the poison as the main culprit even more. The only two Levo side effects I’ve ever had that went away were lightheadedness and hair loss.

Got an idea for another long-term project after I finish running journals through Grammarly and all that. Well, who says I have to wait until I’m dead to publish them? All I have to do is pull out sensitive info by going through them one by one.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 30, 2021 Ugh, last night was not a fun night. I was wound up all night even though I skipped my meds. I realize that levothyroxine doesn’t leave the system that fast, but a horrible thought came over me. What if it’s connected to the new brand of statins I started a few days ago? That’s about when it started too. Really hope it’s just a typical anxiety spell connected to the thyroid meds building up in my system and nothing more! It seemed like I couldn’t get much relief no matter what I did. Yoga, tapping, acupuncture…

Tom being awake when I’m feeling shitty helps even though it doesn’t. I mean his presence can’t magically make it go away but it’s still nice to have him around. He’s decided that on account of his back issues, he’s going to try sleeping in spurts. That would be fun! Then he’s not awake long enough where I feel like I don’t have enough alone time yet he’s not asleep long enough for me to feel like I have too much of it either.

Emotional suffering is definitely way worse than physical suffering. You would think that it would be the other way around if it’s simply a thought or an emotion, but it’s not. It was definitely a lot more emotional than physical too. I didn’t actually feel waves of adrenaline stabbing me in the chest so much as that feeling. The one that’s very hard to describe. I’m not sure if depressed or anxious is the right word but I guess it’s a mix of both. Just that feeling of things not being right. A sense of unhappiness and insecurity and the fear of having to deal with this on and off for the rest of my life.

I created a new Twitter account just to log my health and moods. I don’t know if I’ll stick with it but we’ll see. I’m also curious to see if Aly blocks it from her other account or if she figures it would be pointless if I already know about the account.

Part of the scab that had formed over the largest red spot on my lower leg peeled off but it’s just as red as it has been.

We got some papers from the park and I don’t understand why. It contains the same info we went over when we first moved in here.

Decided to get a drill with an LED light in it. I would have preferred to get just one lighted drill but since accessories usually come with other things, there are actually three different lighted drills, and the cutest drills of all are colorful polka-dotted drills with large “diamonds” on top of them. Plus, I’ve got more trays and glue.

Had a bunch of weird dreams. A couple of them were bordering on nightmares that I also hope aren’t connected to the new brand of statins. Really hope I don’t have to take only the last brand I took because that one was more expensive at $75. But I definitely slept shitty, waking up every hour or two.

In one dream, one of my uncles (Ronnie?) was old, feeble, and walking on crutches. I was in a fairly decent-sized room with a bed, a table, and other items. Tom was asleep on the bed and someone was sitting at the table. I think it was a woman.

As soon as I spotted him, I frowned with anger and approached him. “Hey,” I said, “let’s see you bully and threaten me now. Go on, threaten me.” All the while I was taunting him as he would with me when I was just a kid, I poked him in the shoulder.

He looked meekly down at the floor without saying a word.

Finally, I said, “I didn’t think so,” and just as I turned to walk away, I saw anger and determination take over his features and he began to follow me. For some reason, this scared me and I quickly moved away even though he could barely walk even with crutches, and one swift punch or kick would have sent him into oblivion.

I kept hoping Tom would wake up as I began to turn it into a game of sorts and taunt the guy with a game of Catch Me if You Can but he never woke up. Then I picked up my mug of coffee from the table and threw it at him just to find it empty before I woke up.

Then I had another scary dream about swimming in a pool as the plastic pool cover was closing and racing towards the end to jump out before it could trap me.

In the last dream, I didn’t seem to know Tom. I lived in an apartment building by myself. I don’t know how many floors there were but I was at least four or five floors up. The guy that owned the building offered me two apartments that were next to each other for $900 a month even though I seemed to mostly live in just one of them. I was very grateful because I knew that this meant I would only have to worry about noise coming from whoever was across the hall and below me.

I thought of having my parents send the rent checks after I gave them the money each month but then realized that was silly because all I had to do was open a checking account.

There was some kind of restaurant down in the lobby where I ended up talking to a younger woman whom I hadn’t been very close to in the past. Yet we were getting along better and I asked her where the closest bank was, reminding her that I didn’t drive.

She said there was one not too far and that she wouldn’t mind walking me over to it. I thanked her and asked if she would be willing to wait while I ran back upstairs with something I was holding in my hand and she said she would.

So I ran upstairs and reached down to slip a key into a lock that was at the side of a thick mat. But then I realized that was silly since that wouldn’t let me into the apartment. I then unlocked the door of the apartment I occupied the least, suddenly finding them connected. I walked through its living room and into the kitchen of the apartment I had most of my stuff in and was pissed at myself when I found I left my refrigerator door open. I shut it and then went into the bathroom to pee. Then I decided I would hold it in and wait till I got back since it took longer to pee as an older person, and I didn’t want to make the woman wait too long for me.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 29, 2021 I can tell the rain has stopped just by the planes I’m hearing along with the freeway. I guess it’s going to be partly cloudy for the next couple of days and then we’ll get a couple more days of rain before the typical sunny, dry weather returns.

My heart wasn’t racing but I felt a little off emotionally yesterday, so I skipped my meds today. Still not a hundred percent sure there’s a connection but I’d say it’s pretty damn likely. Only after I began the medication did things change, and the side effects I’ve had are listed as side effects on valid medical sites proving even more that the doctors that deny the side effects are full of shit for whatever reason. I’m guessing to make their lives easier? It’s always less work to sweep something under the carpet rather than to deal with it. He believes it will go away someday but I think I’ll struggle with it on and off for the rest of my life and that the pre-Hashimoto’s me is never coming back. The one that only felt bad, sad, stressed, or whatever due to something that was going on. Plus, our hormones and body chemistry do change with age and I still have thyroid issues so it’s not totally on the meds.

My doctor is still out, and I hope she hasn’t caught the virus! But someone covering her messages finally got back to me and said she saw no reason to repeat labs before the doctor sees me in April so that’s good. :-) Things rarely go our way but I’m still hoping that when I do see her, if she does order labs, I’ll be able to tell her, “Sorry, but we got an offer on our house and have one foot out the door. I’ll take care of it in the next state!”

I had a dream that we had a two-story house but it was still in this park. Or at least some park. The windows were open and as I was heading upstairs, I heard what sounded like arguing. So I stepped into one of the bedrooms and looked out the window to see a small group of people had gathered by a stage that was being set up for a concert that was to perform that evening. I was pissed because I knew it would be annoying but hopeful that I wouldn’t hear as much of it if I remained on the other side of the house.

Then I went to call my mother for the first time in a long time but forgot her number. In the dream, she was living in Port St Lucie and I called Information and they put me through to her. However, I got a busy signal. So then I called back and she answered. I said “hello” and was greeted with silence though I knew she was still there.

“It’s me,” I told her. But she still said nothing.

Leave it to murderer OJ Simpson to get vaccinated before we do.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 28, 2021 Signing in with some peppermint tea on what’s going on our third day of rain. Just finished a yoga session after doing a quick run on the treadmill. Oh, that damn middle-aged belly fat! Really hinders my flexibility when it comes to bending forward but there isn’t much most of us can do about that since it isn’t just about thyroids and age but genetics as well. Plus, some of us hate diets. LOL, that’s exactly why I ordered a bag of assorted chocolates with tomorrow’s groceries. Either way, my lower gut seems to be more bloated than usual but I don’t have any pain or discomfort in any way so I’m not worried about it.

Tom, on the other hand, has been suffering excruciating sciatic pain and today he got a pillow just for that. In his research, he learned that as we age, especially if you’re a guy, your ass flattens and therefore you’re sitting on the nerves more so than when you have cushion around that area.

We definitely seem to gain and lose various areas as we age. I can’t say that I have a bubble butt but I still have a nicely rounded ass that most people might consider one of my better physical traits along with my boobs. A woman’s hips and thighs definitely do seem to slim down with age but then you get that spare tire. These days I’m all tits and tummy.

My diamond painting accessory kit came today so I’m looking forward to playing around with that later on as well as doing some coloring with my new pencils.

The more I see just how many months so many homes remain on the market, the more concerned I get that we’re not getting out of here anytime soon. It always seems that the more I want out of a particular place, the longer I’m stuck there. I’ve had a bad feeling that something up there doesn’t want me leaving a place that’s noisy most of the time, so we’ll find out soon enough if my feelings are valid or if I’m just being ridiculously paranoid. But with so many manufactured homes on the market for around half a year, how the hell can we expect to put this place on the market in March and be gone by May or June?

Well, I’m not going to try to move or fight to get out of here for so many years. It’s either meant to be or it’s not and if it’s not I would rather just gut this place and make it our forever home if this is where I’m meant to be. Sure hope it doesn’t come down to that, though! Either way, this is fucking ridiculous. This only happens to me. Who the hell else is stuck in a place for 7.5 years? So yeah, sometimes I wonder if something up there is telling me something as much as I don’t want to hear it. That this is my place and where I was meant to be. The whole thing reminds me of that song Hotel California. I checked out years ago but it seems I can never leave.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 27, 2021 I’ve been tired ever since I got up in the early afternoon. I guess I’m just stressing too much over my appointments that I’m not sleeping well. Time to try to take Tom’s advice and quit worrying about my schedule for a while and just sleep when I need to without forcing myself to get up too soon.

Feeling a little down tonight as well though I’m not sure why. Probably just medication stress. I start the other brand of statins tonight. Not expecting any trouble from that. It’s whether or not I can get my usual brand of thyroid medication and what may happen if I can’t that has me concerned. I would try the name brand before I tried anything else but that may cost a fortune.

You know, I’m just tired of being a fluke. Just a freaky little fluke of nature. If it’s rare, it’s me. How many people have atresia? How many people have CRD? How many people have both? So of course I have to be one of the few that is sensitive to a medication I need and that most people can take without problems. Of course.

Can’t help but feel like there’s something up there that doesn’t want me to fully treat my disease. It just really seems like I’m not meant to have a normal metabolism as much as I try to tell myself things just happened to be this way without design. If that’s true, then how come that’s not what I’m sensing? I mean I just don’t feel that way. No, something up there gave me a disease in which it knew I would be sensitive to the medication so I would suffer. Something up there also seems hell-bent on me not having normal TSH numbers. There’s simply too much of a pattern. The more the same things happen over and over again, that can’t possibly be a coincidence, can it?

But if my gut feeling is right, then why? Why would anything want me to suffer so much and why can’t I have an optimal metabolism? It should know I don’t give as much of a shit as I perhaps should about my weight, and besides, a normal thyroid doesn’t always mean you can lose weight. I’ve found numerous complaints about people being surprised and disappointed to get their thyroid on track just to still not be able to lose weight. Age and genetics are also a factor and being American doesn’t help either. Your average American is overweight even if most no doubt consider me a petite little thing.

I also had a clear discharge of some kind yesterday. This has happened a few times. It was like mid-cycle runs, as I would call it, all over again. I don’t think it was pee because I didn’t feel anything leaving my body. I didn’t feel anything leaving my pussy either but what else could it be? I just hope it wasn’t a sign of anything bad. I haven’t had any cramps or any other symptoms and have been blissfully unaware of my lady parts so that’s good. At the end of next month, it will be a year since the last period I had after not getting one for 15 months. Really hope I’m done!

I also hope my doc hasn’t gotten the virus and that she’s just on vacation even though it seems like a bit of an odd time to be on vacation. Don’t doctors usually have most of December off and part of early January?

A nurse called Tom about his results and mentioned that my doc wasn’t around. I hope she hasn’t left and that they just haven’t had time to formally notify her patients. I would really hate to have to start over with a new doctor right before we move! But it explains why I never got a reply to my message, not that it’s urgent.

We’ve had more wind and rain over the last couple of days than we’ve had in quite a while. Last night I could practically feel the house shudder as the winds reached slightly above 30 miles per hour. Fortunately, none of the roof shingles lifted enough to let the rain in. We definitely don’t need any more water spots to have to paint over. But so far, no leaks. :-)

We seem to have big storms here every few years. I remember the first one was a handful of months after we came down here and were still in motels, then there was one a few years ago.

Sometimes I wonder if our best bet would be to take a cheap, dumpy little place if we don’t get a good offer on this place rather than stay back another year to fix and flip it. I guess it will depend on how bad of an offer we may get.

It’s hard not to want to get the fuck out of here because I feel like I’ve been the worst both physically and emotionally in this place than any other place I’ve ever lived. I’d love to think there’s just some kind of bad energy associated with this house that I’ll escape when we move but things have a way of following me and returning to haunt me. At least it will be warmer.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 26, 2021 “What kind of friend finds having to deal with over a foot of snow funny? My significant other has a bad back and my own health is far from great. Took us over two hours, with a few breaks to rest, to completely dig out.”

Oh, life’s little sensitives. eye-roll That’s Little Miss Sensitive’s last tweet on her other account in regard to how I said that if it weren’t for Cam having to drive through the snow I’d be laughing.

OMG, will you fucking lighten up and learn to take a joke for fuck’s sake?! And would it really have been so hard to say something like hey, that isn’t funny, and remember, Cam has a bad back and I haven’t been feeling well?

When she mentioned him being out there with a snowblower, I didn’t think of his back. I can see where shoveling would not be good for someone with a bad back but didn’t make the connection with a snowblower. I didn’t think he did any shoveling but I knew she did.

I’ll just have to remember not to tease her about things because she’s just too damn sensitive. That’s one of the few things that still gets to me about her but I understand that no one’s perfect. I also don’t give a shit if she sees this either and I know she’s just as curious as I can be when it comes to accounts we don’t tell each other about. I’m not stupid. Right now, though, I’m not in the frame of mind to care much. I’m both pissed and worried right now.

She tweeted a couple of hours before she responded to my last message which tells me that she’s doing exactly what she says she hates done to her, not that I mind her not replying as soon as she reads my messages. It just goes to show she’s a bit hypocritical. But hey, if she’s going to bitch about me in public, although not directly, I can do the same. We don’t use each other’s names. I don’t know if she reads me on PB to compare what I sent her versus what I share with others, but right now I just don’t give a shit. If she reads this and doesn’t like what she sees, that’s on her.

Sometimes I question some of my friendships, not that I still don’t value and appreciate her. Again, no one’s perfect and she has a hell of a lot more good than flaws.

Sensitive or not, I’m sorry they’ve had to deal with so much hassle from the snow. I do remember what it’s like!

Also, she said she would never get so angry about what she got angry about in the dream I had, which I figured, but admits she has more angry thoughts than I think. She just doesn’t share them because it doesn’t do her any good.

Yeah, and how many of them are about me? Again, I wonder about her at times and I wouldn’t be surprised if I eventually get dumped again. She’s already dumped me once. If she does, I will definitely not fight for her and she will never hear from me again even if she ends up regretting her decision. As I decided a few years ago, no more do-overs!

So what’s got me very worried right now - and I knew this day would come - is that Walmart and Rite Aid can no longer order medications by brand. They have to simply sell whatever their company chooses to buy and that’s usually what’s cheapest at the moment and right now it isn’t Sandoz. He was able to get Sandoz this time around, but next time we’re going to have to hope we can find someplace else to get it. I also got a cheaper brand of Simvastatin that I hope won’t cause any problems but anxiety isn’t usually connected to that in the way it is with Levothyroxine.

I was surprised to find that not only is Sandoz a generic brand, but they’re not as consistent as the name brands. I thought only Armour wasn’t consistent since it’s pig thyroid. I wonder if that could be part of why I sometimes still have anxious days. I’m sure there are other brands out there I can tolerate and maybe even tolerate better. I just don’t know what they are and I sure as hell don’t want to go experimenting either.

He feels confident that we can find Sandoz somewhere because it’s not like they’ve gone out of business but I still worry about being stuck with other brands that cause the same kind of anxiety Lannett and Mylan caused. I don’t want to be forced, especially now that I’m doing so much better, to have to cut back my dosage which is already a bit too low just so I don’t have off-the-charts anxiety.

I want to get vaccinated already! I’m totally ready for life to get back to normal. The longer we’re not vaccinated, the longer things get held up. I really want a haircut and I definitely need new glasses. I can barely see shit.

Since my new Twistables don’t come with the names of the colors printed on them, I took a fine-point permanent marker and wrote them on myself.

Also ordered an accessory kit for diamond painting. It has more glue, trays, compartments to store diamonds in, stickers to number the compartments with, regular drills, and even a few wide drills for picking up multiple ones of the same color at once. It also has curved tweezers, a roller to enforce the diamonds, and a few other things.

We’ve got a huge storm coming through tonight with winds over 30 MPH, something we rarely see here.

MONDAY, JANUARY 25, 2021 Surprised my message to my doc is still “unopened.” Oh well. It isn’t urgent.

They were a half-hour late with turning the water back on. I got some of the air out of the bathroom pipes but why bother since they’re only going to turn us off again next week at the rate they’ve been going?

Water Palms dropped by 3 saves. There’s got to be something wrong with that park if it isn’t about the virus and the nuclear power plant. There’s another water house in that park I like a lot that’s newer but more expensive.

Tom has been suffering from sciatica but he did more research today and found that what he was doing was wrong. He shouldn’t have been stretching and working his core and things like that. So he took their advice and he’s already much better. That’s good because I was getting worried about him with the way he was hobbling around hunched over like an old man.

California has its own health insurance program and we’re probably going to have to pay a little penalty since it turns out that we made 62k last year and not the 55k he originally estimated we would make. This also means more taxes as well. We made an unbelievable amount of money last year! I would be willing to bet we’ll never make that much again.

It’s amazing how one can have so many dreams about someone they’ve never actually met and it’s even funnier when they do things you can’t imagine them actually doing in real life. I was visiting Aly when she took us out to a restaurant. The restaurant was so crowded that they set up card tables in the middle of the aisles. When a waitress led us to one of these tables, Aly got pissed. She demanded that we be seated in a booth but the waitress insisted that we’d have to wait quite a while for one.

So she stormed out of the restaurant and I tried to keep up with her but she was already in her car by the time I exited the restaurant, slamming her fists against the steering wheel in a fit of rage. Then she mimed pistol shots out her side window.

I was relieved to see the parking lot was empty and no one could see her “shooting” at anyone but was very surprised by how emotional, immature and dramatic she was behaving. I thought about telling her this too, but figured that would only piss her off more so I settled with assuring her that there were other restaurants we could try.

LOL

SUNDAY, JANUARY 24, 2021 Read a bit more about the pig-plowing incident and I guess that yeah, the hit was justified. The bacon feared for its safety and I can believe that much with how much they’re hated these days.

I just wish all these fucking protests would stop already! They’re not doing any good. They just cause trouble and get people hurt and even killed. Roads are for driving, not for protesting. Like it or not, the world doesn’t revolve around any of us. There’s no reason or excuse to hold up the rest of the world or engage in destructive and even deadly conduct just because you have something to say.

Anyway, I awoke on this rainy day extremely tired but wishing it could always be this quiet. Why does it have to rain or be hot as hell to get any peace here? The commercial planes are getting annoying at night again.

Been resting a lot but that gets boring, so here I am struggling through this entry. But hey, it’s Sunday, and everyone needs a day of rest and to take it easy. We did discuss more plans for prepping the place. The next step is going to be touching up the walls.

I also did a little drilling and am looking forward to the new set of Twistables colored pencils we ordered along with a taller step stool. The two-step one we’ve had for many years has paint splatters and other shit all over it and is getting dumped.

The colored pencil set will have twice as many colors. I absolutely love Twistables. I don’t ever want to go back to the old-fashioned pencils that you have to sharpen. I’ll donate my old set to Goodwill along with all the other stuff we’re not taking that we can’t sell. The rest will go out in the next bulk pickup.

The only thing we’re probably going to sell is the Bowflex unless he decides he wants to take it. I told him that one’s up to him but we’re definitely getting me a new treadmill when we get moved.

“Water Palms” is holding steady at 53 saves. The only thing that’s kind of odd about it is that it looks like you have to go outside to enter the lanai. I thought that most lanais could be entered from the house but if there’s a door leading to it, I can’t tell because there are no pictures of the area of the house where a door would have to be to get to it. There are some things about the house I don’t care for but would still love to have it even though I’m not sure going to another park would be a wise idea. Until we learn about the lease, we won’t know anything for sure. It’s too soon to reach out to any realtors for info because they’re pushy and pesky. Let them save that eagerness for when we’re ready for them.

I’m slowly easing my way into yoga, studying the various poses one by one. I saw an ad for yoga apparel for heavy people and one of the ladies in the picture is definite proof that the flexibility I’ve lost over the years is likely more related to my age than weight. I may not be skinny but I’m barely that big and I think that only bending forward may be connected to my weight because I do have a bit of a tummy. I can’t touch my chin to my knees anymore. But the woman in the picture was huge. I’ll just keep plugging away with it and hopefully, that will not only help keep my muscles toned but increase my range of motion. Only time will tell!

I’ve noticed over the last few days that my metabolism seems to have increased a bit. I suppose part of it is the poison ramping up in my system and that I’m likely to get stabbed by the shit soon enough with those dreaded waves of adrenaline and those horrible “mindfuckers.”

But yeah, I’m not holding weight as easily and my hair is thicker as if I need any more hair on my head. My weight falls back quicker after eating, too. When it’s slower, I eat, gain a pound or two or whatever it is I’m gonna gain from whatever I ate, then the weight hangs on for hours before slowly dropping back down until I eat again. Yet now it starts falling pretty quickly after jumping up after a meal, and that’s a metabolism thing. I don’t think I would have remained 100 pounds all my life had my thyroid not crashed, but I doubt I ever would have gone over 120-130. So maybe I could lose with normal numbers but I still don’t see myself ever being able to tolerate the dose it would take to get them there. Anxiety isn’t worth any amount of weight loss.

I decided that rather than trying to find what helps, I would weed out what hurts instead. Meaning that I’m sure the way I’ve been eating the last few days may have a role in it as well. The wine I have doesn’t seem to affect my weight either way, but I decided once again to get a small candy bar rather than a large one with tomorrow’s Walmart delivery for a couple of reasons. I’m pre-diabetic so I shouldn’t be having much sugar anyway, and also, I know that sugar is a definite culprit. There are no magic foods for weight loss but there are definitely some enemies out there like sugar, pasta, breads and processed foods. The last few days I’ve had very little in the way of processed stuff. But tomorrow I’ll be getting a few processed items so what I want to see is if it drives my weight back up or not. It would if I got too carried away with it, that’s for sure, and that is why I learned to cook more.

Going to be taking it easy for the rest of my day but will try to muster up enough energy to study a few more poses.

Tom just said that wasn’t a protest in Tacoma but attention-getters with loud vehicles running donut holes and holding up traffic, not that this is any better.

Our typical winter lows range from 37-43 degrees and we usually only hit freezing a few times a year. However, we’re going to have a hard freeze of just 28 degrees tomorrow night. Ugh, not looking forward to it at all!

Missed writing on OD, so even though there’s a chance Aly may somehow know about it, I’m going to share some stuff there. Actually, even more stuff because I’m not allowing comments and therefore, I don’t have to deal with those that want to argue, challenge and change my views on anything. I have no blocking power as a free member there.

Seeing the US population grow by the thousands each day is both disheartening and alarming. Also, crying babies are just as annoying in the movies as they are in real life.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 23, 2021 Just saw a horrifying video of the Tacoma pigs plowing through tons of protesters. God knows how many are going to be dead or maimed for life. Okay, so I’ve always said that if you’re dumb enough to stand in the middle of the road, you gotta expect that you might get hit. I believe that in a genuine emergency, the pigs should do what they have to do when it comes to those holding up traffic. I’ve even become more and more anti-protests to begin with because they just don’t change anything and trouble often comes of them. If you want to vent and be heard, do it online where it’s safer!

However, what I saw just seemed all wrong. Just totally wrong. I’ll admit I don’t know the circumstances surrounding the event but I just can’t believe anything was that urgent that the pig had a plow through that many people unless they were being destructive or doing anything dangerous. They at least didn’t seem to be beating the shit out of each other or attacking anyone or people’s businesses.

Regardless of the circumstances, it was a horrifying thing to see and I’ve never hated the pigs more than I do now. Just when I think I can’t hate them anymore than I already do, my hatred towards them only deepens. I swear to God we’re totally on our own if we ever have a problem with anyone else in the future. I would prefer not to have any problems, of course, but if God forbid there were, there will be no pigs. Just us and them. You really do have to fight your own battles at times and take care of things yourself. Seriously, someone could kick the door down and hold me at gunpoint yet the pigs would be the last ones I would want to call! They make me sick as fuck!

But you know how it is, even if it turns out that what happened wasn’t justified in any way, and somehow I doubt it was, the pig(s) will get a paid vacation and at worst, fired. Meanwhile, any funerals or medical expenses will be solely on the victims. It’s fucking sick the world we live in. It really is. If that’s me being conceited and sounding like I’m better than most people, so be it. And hell, maybe I am in some ways. You would think that if this would have any good at all come of it, it would scare the protesters off the street. Even those that are harmless, holding up traffic and risking spreading the virus is ridiculous just because you have something to say. Instead of making nuisances of yourselves, there are other places to get your voices heard even if it still won’t change a damn thing but to make you feel better for speaking up.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 22, 2021 Squealing with delight as I sign in with great news. My doctor’s assistant messaged me to say, “Here are your lab results below. Your last LDL was 204 and has dropped to 114 on simvastatin - this is fantastic! Continue with this medication. Your liver functions are fine and seem to be tolerating the medication well.”

twirls with delight YES! So proud of myself for getting brave enough to go back on statins, even if it took me half a decade after my thyroid medication traumatized the shit out of me.

I messaged Doc A asking her if I was supposed to go to the lab before our next appointment (mentioned the spot on my leg while I was at it). I’m guessing I am, but don’t know if it’s a fasting trip or not.

Anyway, I figured I should do this entry before I get any more tired. Even though I slept well, I woke up with a sore throat that’s been bugging me on and off and the kind of fatigue you feel when you have a cold. My throat seems to be getting better, though I’m still tired. We went out to Rite Aid and I got some orange juice which I crave when I’m not feeling well, and damn near drank the whole bottle.

I also got some soda, wine, and a small Twix bar since backing off of these things wasn’t doing me any good.

Kind of glad that our schedules aren’t as aligned at the moment because when we’re both on days for too long, I start to feel smothered even though he’s always told me to feel free to go into a room and close the door and he won’t bug me, but it’s just not the same as when he’s out or sleeping. Everybody needs some alone time and as much as I love him and we get along great, it gets old when he’s always, always there.

Even though we’re homebodies, it’s nice to get out every now and then even if it’s only for those mundane errands a part of me misses.

It’s also going to be nice to eventually live in a place where they don’t turn the fucking water off. Again it’s going off on Monday but not for as long. What, are they going to pull this shit every week on us until we’re gone?

I swear the only thing I’m going to miss besides some of the neighbors is taking walks around the park, even if it’s not always peaceful. When I went out walking yesterday, I was surprised to find I only got two Zone minutes from it. Guess I’m getting into pretty good shape!

My yoga mat arrived today and it’s awesome! It’s much longer than I thought it would be and I love all the illustrations. Right now I’m watching videos to make sure I’m doing the moves properly and picking out the ones I can actually do or at least mostly do. I’m too fat for some poses that would have been easy 30 years ago like shoulder stands and things like that. I can’t even do a child’s pose completely because of all that damn middle-aged belly fat.

I just don’t get it. We have pills to block the substance that makes cholesterol. We have pills for headaches. We have pills for cramps. We have pills for thyroids. We have pills for damn near everything except for shrinking fat cells. Go figure. If they don’t come up with anything for those of us that can’t lose weight without damn near starving ourselves, then this is the way I’m always going to be and I’m always going to have to improvise certain activities because my range of motion is limited by the extra weight.

He’s been checking out the local job listings and found one that he may actually like as an IT assistant for when businesses have computer issues and things like that. It pays $20 an hour as well. However, it’s just not safe for him to work without being vaccinated. Also, he doesn’t want a permanent job. He just wants to work part-time here and there maybe for the rest of his life.

When he is fully retired, we may ditch the car. Since we don’t go out much, it shouldn’t cost as much for an Uber when we do as what we pay for insurance and all that stuff. He just charged the car for the first time this year and it will last a while.

He really likes the high-powered steamer he got. It’s doing a good job with the sticky residue on the walls and even helped clean the showerhead as well.

It only took me a little over a day to do my first diamond painting. I’m totally addicted to the things now! Today I didn’t work on the second one I got which is much bigger because I didn’t feel well but I’ll get back on with it tomorrow.

I got a variety pack of K-cups that contains different coffees, hot chocolates, and teas. Earl Grey’s Breakfast Blend tea tastes kind of weird.

For just a few bucks I ordered another one of those clear compartment cases for extra rhinestones that are left over from my diamond paintings. Then we came up with some cool ideas for the extras. One is to stick them at random to the back of left over wallpaper that we have when we were doing the hall closet and then framing it. Also, the previous owners left a small picture of cherries to which I could get some Elmer’s Glue to stick the stones.

They lowered the price of the house I like by about 7K. In a perfect world, it would still be available when we’re ready to move, then we would learn that the lease doesn’t expire anytime soon, and that would be our home until and if we decided to move again to something bigger and better.

To be honest, I’m surprised it hasn’t sold yet. Makes me wonder if something’s wrong with the park. Or maybe it has to do with the virus or the nuclear power plant nearby. I just don’t know. We’re not going to know much for a couple of months. Life is one big waiting game.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 21, 2021 Early in the morning, the place stunk of skunks. Again, I will absolutely scream if we’re stuck here until next year!

We decided we may get a place wherever as planned and then have him return to work so we would then qualify for up to a $250,000 home instead of $90,000 because that would open up a ton of opportunities for us. He would work until it was paid down to where the payments were $500 a month or less so he could then fully retire comfortably.

I really like this idea too! We’re not going to be so old and feeble anytime soon and it would give us something to look forward to. A goal to aim for that would keep us focused and active. Besides, I wouldn’t mind spending my final years in one of these quarter-million-dollar beauties. Some places are so incredibly nice that some noise would be worth it. I just wish I could work too even if it had to be at home!

We went to the lab this morning and we got to swap shoes even though we both guzzled plenty of water beforehand. Where my veins are usually finicky, she was able to get enough blood on the first try. Maybe that’s because she was always doing one vial, I joked with her. Just lipid and liver tests this time around.

With Tom, she got the vein right away only it refused to squeeze out the blood at a normal speed and instead slowly dripped out. I’ve had that happen to me as well. So I had to wait in the waiting room until he was done.

It was so cold this morning too, in the mid-thirties. I went out walking when it got close to 50° yet my hands were still cold even in my gloves. Like most people with low thyroid, the things that never seem to go away even with treatment are cold hands and feet along with the extra weight.

My second diamond painting is to arrive today. I’m totally addicted to these things now!

Going to edit and publish this and then restock my KU books.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 20, 2021 On my 24-minute walk, I heard two commercial planes, two small planes, and one helicopter. That was an addition to a circular saw where someone was getting new windows. Surprised I didn’t hear any landscaping in the mix. I will absolutely scream if we end up stuck here another year, and even though it’s unlikely, it is still possible that we won’t get a decent enough offer for the house and have to have him go back to work full-time and flip it ourselves.

He called and ordered a larger trash bin that’s going to be delivered on Friday, and we’ll both have blood drawn at the lab tomorrow morning.

We both agree that if we had to choose between one of the water houses in Florida versus this older home we like in a rural area in Hull, Texas, we would go for the water house. I just can’t believe Water Palms, which I would name our network, is still for sale! We’ve got to find out when that lease expires. The fact that he saw one of the houses there in foreclosure is a good sign. If I suddenly knew it was ours, I’d be as emotional as a 20-year-old! However, I’m guessing it won’t be and I don’t even know that we could get anything similar to it either.

Decided I didn’t want to wait for the yoga mat with the illustrations so it will be here Friday. I also went to a site that has quick video clips on how to properly perform each move. They even have more moves than what’s on the mat, although I’m still not going to be able to do all of them.

I also saw a video on three exercises that are supposed to be good for cellulite in the backs of the thighs and ass since it activates the most muscles. It definitely doesn’t have to do with fat, though, just as they said since I’ve had them most of my life yet was thin for the most part until my 40s.

I received my diamond painting before bed yesterday and started working on it today. I have about a quarter of it done, and it’s super easy and loads of fun! I might get some for myself.

I was practically squealing with delight when I saw the plane lift Trump up and away from the White House.

Good. Fucking. Riddance.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 19, 2021 Waiting on a diamond painting kit to be delivered. When I read in someone else’s journal that they were working on one, I thought that would be a great idea for Aly’s birthday. I’ve been trying to come up with different ideas. I already made her some jewelry, and I don’t want to have food items delivered in case she’s allergic to any of the ingredients, so this may work. I’ve been wanting to try one of these anyway. She likes owls so I got a 6x6 owl painting that the PBer would probably take me 2 hours to do. Plenty of time to get it done since her birthday is in April. It also comes with a frame. If I enjoy doing it, I may get one for myself.

Tom tried various cleaners to remove the sticky residue that some of the stickers left on the wall. Goo Gone can get rid of it easily but I can’t stand the smell of oranges so he ordered a steamer that should be good to have anyway.

When it comes to touching up the paint on the living room walls, he may have to do the whole thing since the paint might not match. I burn incense regularly and that would cause some discoloration along with the fact that it’s been about 5 years.

Still so torn between a park versus a rural setting! They both have so many pros and cons. We’re still not even sure what state we’re going to end up in just yet. As long as we keep our monthly payments under $500 a month, we should be comfortable, though we would certainly be more comfortable if we didn’t have an HOA. Parks are a lot more convenient but definitely noisier. We would have more freedom and peace on land but we’re still a couple of months away from knowing anything either way.

I saw that Walmart had a pink yoga mat with yoga pose illustrations on it. They had 10 poses for $10. That would certainly make it easier and more tempting to get into yoga but then I found one for $30 with 70 poses on Amazon, though I’m not going to get that or a diamond painting for myself until we move. I would get the purple one because the illustrations stand out better that way. I’m a little too fat for some of the poses, though, LOL.

Oh, to care about my weight like I did in my youth! Maybe then I would be motivated to push myself harder if that’s even possible with Hashimoto’s and my age, but the fact still stands that I like myself as I am. Yes, I would be healthier if I was thinner but I’m not that big and it isn’t so much that I’m totally in love with myself as I am so much as that I just don’t care. I guess that’s the difference between being a single 20-something and a married 50-something. It would take a lot more weight than this to get me all that motivated and concerned. I think I’ll just stick with eating smart and being active most days and allowing myself to be human by indulging once or twice a week. That will be in the form of Hershey’s Caramel Kisses next grocery delivery. :-) Otherwise, I try not to focus on food until I’m actually ready to eat.

The water is off right now. Yeah, what else is new?

Andy showed up in my dreams again. Hey, it’s better than the termites! I was going to say hello to him in a tweet as I was slowly walking down the street and then realized I was in front of his place. He stepped outside and I said hello. We started talking and then some woman stopped by. I told him I would contact him later and that it would be nice to catch up since it had been a year.

I used the bathroom on the way out as I was heading for the door, I looked out a window and realized he was also in a flight path, although the planes looked like little rockets.

MONDAY, JANUARY 18, 2021 A town in Tennessee has been showing up on my visitor report lately and I wonder if it’s Sandra who lives in Sevierville. I blocked her because I was tired of her political rants. Maybe she created another account when she noticed I wasn’t around to see if she could find out why I blocked her. Sometimes I find it easier to block rather than to just ghost.

Income tax. That’s the payment we hope to avoid by getting out of here by late June.

As far as how to know where to store our stuff, we would store it here in Citrus Heights until we knew exactly where to have it shipped to in Florida. We’re probably going to go with U-Haul because they incorporate moving pods with storage and all that. We’re considering one that’s something like 4 feet wide, 8 feet deep, and 8 feet tall.

We still won’t know if we’re flying or driving until we know what we’re getting for the house and how long things are going to take to close. I just know that one of the things alone that I hate here is enough to be excited about moving. Just take all the fucking planes and helicopters I have to listen to in the middle of the night as well as the daytime. And of course, we’re going to be without water for most of Tuesday. I wonder how many more times we’re going to have to play this fucking game with the water outages before we get out of here.

We still don’t know if we’re going to end up in a park or on land somewhere. What community did I ever like, though? I hated Phoenix and I hate it here. Klamath Falls wasn’t as bad, but I still didn’t like it that much. It was a quaint little town that had its positive points but still too many people too close which means it wasn’t exactly peaceful. It seems the worst thing in Arizona was dogs barking, up in Oregon it was boom car stereos, and in Cali, it’s kind of a mix of everything, but being in an adult community, we don’t have much barking, car stereos, and you almost never hear kids.

I’m excited that Biden will be taking over soon! The only thing that worries me is the Caravan of Guatemalans. I know that as soon as he’s in power, they’ll be welcomed with open arms to burden our system even more. Sick of how America is the go-to country for when the shit hits the fan in other countries. It’s not right or fair for us to be expected to pick up the pieces when things go wrong elsewhere. My heart truly goes out to those who are innocent victims of violence and other catastrophes in their countries, but I just wish they would create some kind of designated area for refugees to go to. Like maybe some island somewhere.

I had a dream I met Kamala Harris somewhere. I was very depressed for some reason and I was squeezing my eyes shut to prevent myself from crying when I heard her voice grow closer as she was addressing a room full of people before I felt something being slipped over my head. When I opened my eyes, I found that she had slipped a beautiful purple beaded necklace around my neck. I thanked her and hugged her, surprised to see that she was pregnant.

Then there was the termite dream which woke me up. It took me a while before I could fall back asleep. We were still on good terms when we moved to Florida, starting off in a hotel until we could find a place. They agreed to care for a mother rat and her two babies we brought with us but didn’t want to keep them in the hotel for some strange reason. I went to Tammy’s house one day to find Sarah there. We got into a huge argument and I left. It then hit me that they may harm the rats because they were pissed at me.

So I decided I go back later on when I knew Tammy would be there. I hoped Mark wouldn’t be there because I didn’t want to get into it with him since we had always gotten along in the past and thought it would be nice to keep it that way.

I walked up to the slider and knocked. Tammy approached with her cell phone in hand but didn’t open it. Instead, she told me they “dumped my vermin” and that if I didn’t get the fuck away and stay away, she would call the police.

Furious that she killed my pets like I feared she might, in a split-second, I grabbed a chair in her lanai and smashed it through the slider, knocking the phone out of her hand. She was home alone, and I beat her unconscious. After confirming that the rats really weren’t there, I wasn’t sure whether or not I should kill her so she couldn’t point a finger at me or hope she would wake up. I decided it would be better if she woke up since I knew that if I got caught, I would get a hell of a lot less time for assault than I would for murder. I was still glad I avenged the death of my innocent rats.

Then I ran out to the car which Tom was waiting in and told him we had to hurry up and get back to the hotel and move to another one quickly and began filling him in as the dream ended.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 17, 2021 The water is going off again all day tomorrow. OMG, to escape these water outages and all this traffic and flying shit! I can’t wait to at least take back the nights! I’m sorry, but after midnight it should be dead quiet. Not full of small planes, helicopters, and roaring freeways.

I have my doubts about beating the jury duty extension deadline, but Tom hopes we’re out of here by the end of June because there’s some kind of thing you have to pay in Cali at that time that will be due. I forgot what he said it was. Maybe some kind of property tax.

Tom is really good with numbers and money and is very smart in general unless he’s trying to learn languages, LOL. He explained to me about finance, paying off credit card debt with the money from the sale of the house to decrease interest in the future, and the various pros and cons of land versus a park and why we may prefer to fly in certain situations versus driving in other situations. I can’t swear on anything yet and neither can he, but our discussion yesterday made me lean more towards getting a place on half an acre to an acre or so, in which case we could afford something a little nicer.

Having to use a regular realtor means not accepting less than 65K rather than 60K and pretty much increases our chances of driving. The cost comes out the same between driving and flying but if we have to wait a week for things to close anyway…

Also, since we don’t want to buy a place sight unseen, we would need a place to store our shit until we could get into a place. But we don’t know exactly where to go in Florida, we don’t know where to store our shit and therefore it may be better to drive across. We’re still going to get realtors in Florida to help us.

I wrote out a list of the pros and cons of land versus a park. There’s no saying that all the cons would come to be but that’s the frustrating part. We can’t magically know upfront where to go and exactly what it would be like living there. And sometimes you don’t know about the things you do know. When we had our little orientation meeting with Joy, she made it sound like the water went off a few times a year, not a dozen-plus times a year.

And look what happened with the commercial planes. We moved in here in 2013 and they weren’t an issue until 2018. The small planes and helicopters, yes. They were always a problem. I just never thought to look for airport locations because they’ve never been a problem before.

Anyway, the land would definitely leave us more money left over each month but not a whole lot since we’ll never again have money as we do now. He was thinking of maybe doing DoorDash deliveries or something like that a few times a week to make extra money. Even if he only made $10 five days a week, that’s still $200 extra a month. Of course I wish to hell I could drive and didn’t have CRD so I could do it too and double that. Big things can be paid for with credit like if I needed another root canal or we wanted to go on a $500 helicopter ride or something like that.

Money won’t be so important except in the event of an emergency once we get the place, wherever it may be, set up the way we want it. I was still glad to hear that Biden wants to ensure that those on Social Security always get enough of an increase so they never fall below the national poverty level.

The increased Aly-meeting dreams make me wonder if we will be meeting soon since I’ve had a lot more dreams of meeting her than I have of flying. The only thing is that in the dream I had last night, she was visiting us and not the other way around. We were going to take a selfie of ourselves together and laughed about sending a copy to Kim (though we wouldn’t share any pics we took). I don’t care if we take pictures of each other or of us together or not, but it would definitely be nice to meet somewhere someday! Pretty sure there was more to the dream, but I don’t remember what.

The thought of moving is exciting but also a bit scary and overwhelming. Anything could go wrong. Driving across would be incredibly hard on both of us. And even if we did fly, we’re still going to be stuck in hotels for a while and that’s hard as well.

Land pros: Space around us Fewer rules Quieter Cheaper Gains more value in time Our own pool

Land cons: Not as safe Not as pretty Slightly colder Increased potential for bad neighbors, loose dogs/barking, boom stereos, motorcycles, welfare bums

Park pros: Safer Prettier Warmer Activities Increased chance of better neighbors, less barking, boom stereos, etc.

Park cons: More rules and restrictions More noise Less value More expensive

SATURDAY, JANUARY 16, 2021 No wonder Japanese people are so skinny! The Japanese snack mix arrived yesterday and it’s incredible how small the portions are compared to snacks in the US. Definitely not worth the money but makes for a fun experiment. There are only three out of the 37 pieces I don’t like. I don’t see how any human being on earth could possibly put a wasabi nut in their mouth and not feel like they tossed a lit match into it! They look like green peas and when I suspected they were actually wasabi nuts, I licked at one with my tongue to be sure and could feel a burn just doing that. Some of the snacks are weird-tasting but still good.

After this, I want to try to drop the wine, flavored sparkling water, pasta, and sugar for as long as I can stand to. The wine and the pasta will be easy.

Still not sure whether or not I want to focus on just getting the recommended number of zone minutes each week or focus more on the length of time. Zone minutes are easy. I can get half of them accidentally with my high HR. I can get more than I need with just a 15-minute workout. The question is whether or not I should up the time to 45 to 60 minutes. More isn’t always better, especially when you’re metabolically fucked as I am.

Over 2 million dead now from the virus. At least that we know of. In poor countries where they can’t afford to do so much testing, I wouldn’t be surprised if the real numbers were closer to 4 or 5 million. While that’s a huge number in itself, it hardly puts a dent in the population which is still climbing faster than it is dying.

Been listening to the usual sounds here… traffic, planes, and landscaping. The commercial planes haven’t been as bad lately due to the virus, but yesterday we had our usual 4-hour trash and recyclable pick-up and they’re also working on the new house. Still. Wonder just how many more months they’re going to be working over there.

Another thing is that someone’s been leaving a dog out during the daytime that I’ve mentioned before. I would think Dixie would be able to hear it loud and clear. Luckily, Virginia’s house blocks most of it, so I don’t hear too much from that or the house workers from the room I mostly work in.

I don’t know why but I’ve been having this feeling lately about dying in 2038. But that’s only 17 years from now and not the 20-something I would have guessed. Can’t say for sure whether or not it really means anything but I’ve been having this feeling lately. I suppose anything is possible and even if it does mean something, I’ve already lived a long time and 17 years is still a long time left as well.

Although it’s a little earlier than planned, I decided to make my Facebook account more private. There really is no need to be public although I’ll still do public stories every now and then that disappear after 24 hours. I almost always get views from a non-friend and I always used to think it was Kim, but since she hasn’t been online, I guess it could be anyone.

Still excited about the move but nervous as well. We still don’t know if we’re flying or driving or if we’re going to start off in a park or not. I would love to think that we’ll get a beautiful, peaceful place but I don’t think we’ll get the “ideal” place. I think we can definitely find something quieter than this, though. I just feel like I’m not meant to have the ideal place but don’t know if it’s by design or happenstance. But an improvement is certainly better. If it’s a little quieter and it’s cheaper, then great.

I ignored the email the Sundae rep sent apologizing for getting my hopes up for nothing, and yeah, it does suck. A traditional realtor is going to make things a lot harder for us and slower as well.

I had a dream that he and I were hanging out at home as usual in a place that didn’t look like this. I hadn’t worked out that day. Finally, I convinced myself to at least do a short workout instead of being lazy. I passed a room where he was working out, sitting halfway up on a couch and twisting his torso back and forth. I then entered another room to find that Tom had pulled out an old scale even though it was still digital, and it told me I was 133 lb even though I knew I was 136 lb.

Then he finished working out and came out of the other room to tell me that he heard something in the news that meant that Nervous was probably receiving payments on account of and I reminded him that he was dead.

“Oh, is he?” he said.

“Yeah, he died at 53 of a heart attack. You must be thinking of my other old friend Fran Paiva,” I said even though he’s also dead.

Then Tom asked me if I wanted to go out to some cookie factory or something like that and I agreed.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 15, 2021 Signing in with boring off-black nails that almost look like a dark plum color in bright light and a very pissed-off mood. The nail color looks good on me. It’s just a boring shade. I’ve seen worse, though.

Fucking Sundae! They led me on after all. NOW the fucking bitch I’ve been communicating with tells me that I once mentioned being on leased land and she “just confirmed” with her team that they don’t buy houses on land that isn’t owned. As I told her in my reply, thanks for getting my hopes up for nothing! She should have known their own rules and policies up front and shouldn’t have had to “confirm” them. Argh, fucking assholes!

We may as well accept that, as usual, this isn’t going to be easy for us and we’re not going to get any breaks along the way. I still can’t wait to get out of here but we’re gonna have to deal with a realtor. So no more hope of getting out of showings and having to deal with the shit that goes with traditional realtors. We’re going to have to Goodwill what we don’t want and try to figure out how to get rid of what they won’t take. He’s going to be ordering a bigger trash bin.

sighs This may also make it harder to beat the jury duty extension deadline. Why couldn’t I be a convicted felon just until we leave?!

Anyway, we’re now measuring the tote bins that we’re packing stuff in and trying to get an estimate of the size of moving pod we’re going to need.

Just took care of the smelly pigs. Work, work, work, work. I’ll miss them but not caring for them. I’m tired today too. Nothing woke me up, but it was one of those days when I was up forever and didn’t sleep as long. No idea why my body does this at times.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 14, 2021 Lisa Montgomery, the woman who killed a pregnant woman and cut out her child who survived, got exactly what she deserved. You kill someone, you deserve the death penalty as far as I’m concerned. I don’t care if you’re mentally ill, if you’re poor, if you’ve got diseases… If you kill, you’re a murderer, and if it’s not in self-defense, you should be removed from society rather than a burden to the taxpayers to house and feed for the rest of your sorry life. She should have been killed years ago and I’m sure she would have had her victims not been white.

The article I read disgusted me. I clicked on it, and sure enough, it was all about poor, poor little Lisa and what a horrible childhood she had. I had a shitty time as a child too. Does that mean I’m entitled to go out and kill people then? The article seemed to express much more sympathy for her than for her victims. Really, I’m so sick and fucking tired of all the victim-blaming or at least the support that many criminals get. They probably would have rioted If she was black.

Then I’m sitting there shocked as hell by all the supportive comments this woman got. It was “poor criminal” all around.

So I asked Tom his opinion and he said that generally, he’s against the death penalty because there have been cases where it was learned too late that the person was innocent. He said we have enough jails, and they can be kept there.

“But what about if their guilt is really obvious?” I asked and he said that in those cases the person is usually out of their mind and should have been locked up a long time ago.

I agree with that one! I’m still pro-death penalty but we definitely need a lot more people locked up though not necessarily in jails. They also need to stop letting out people that are virtually guaranteed to re-offend like rapists.

A rep from Sundae messaged me. Figured that was coming anytime now. She wants to jump on the phone to see if we’re “a good fit for each other.” I told her we’re not quite ready yet and that we want to wait until we’re vaccinated and that I’ll have Tom contact her when the time comes. I assured her we were definitely not going to change our minds.

Thanks to Trump, Aly couldn’t get vaccinated in time. She’s no longer asymptomatic. She has a lot of fatigue, feels cold, and has lost her sense of taste and smell. I hope to hell it doesn’t get worse and that she doesn’t land in the hospital. Yeah, I’m trying not to think about the fact that even though it’s very unlikely, she could be dead in two weeks or less.

Although I assured her I wouldn’t share in public, I found it a bit odd that she asked me not to do so in the first place. Who does she know that also reads my journal and who would know I was talking about her?

The red spot on my leg is slightly darker and more raised. It almost feels like a hard blister. I’m seeing some white scaly stuff on the edges, so yes, whatever it is definitely shouldn’t be there. I just took another comparison pic.

I decided to order an assortment of Japanese snacks. Cam won an Amazon gift card and got a snack pack of their own to try. It’s a little pricey but when I checked it out, I decided it would be a fun way to sample new things without getting carried away. So Friday I’ll have 36 treats. It cost $24. Some have English translations on them. Otherwise, I’ll have to guess but it’s the mystery and surprise that will be fun. Looks like there’s going to be candy, cakes, cookies, nuts, and gum, but I don’t see any chips.

I had something like the third dream where I was 37 years old and Tom and I were discussing the possibility of having a kid while I still could yet my heart wasn’t really into the idea.

There was also a dream about a large black mailwoman. It was more that she was very tall than wide. She seemed friendly, laid back, and not very chatty. One day she delivered 3 boxes of mail that Tom had been too lazy to pick up or had forgotten about, not that he would ever do such a thing, of course.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 12, 2021 Really getting sick and fucking tired of hearing about how horrible white people are everywhere I go online. This rant isn’t about any person in particular or even about any group but about people’s shitty attitude in general. It’s like people don’t get that white people aren’t the only problem in the world. It’s society as a whole. It’s totally unfair, unrealistic, and discriminative to blame one group for the world’s problems.

Yes, there were a lot of shitty white people on Capitol Hill. People who should be imprisoned right along with Trump. But why is it that whenever whites do something shitty, everybody’s quick to crucify them while some BLM members and others of color who aren’t affiliated with any group can riot, loot, obstruct traffic, and do all kinds of destructive things which people sometimes also lose their lives, yet the whole world doesn’t turn on them? It’s only the white people who get the criticism when they do something they shouldn’t and the dual standards just get old. No matter how much you choose to bury your head in the sand in the name of political correctness, whites aren’t the only problem in the world. There are just as many shitty assholes in other groups, but if you want to kid yourself, go right ahead. it just goes to show that the vast majority of the population has come to support or at least accept non-whites and that’s great. Really, it is. But to see so many of color turn against whites and even my own kind turn against us is really disheartening and worrisome. It’s not okay to shit on whites any more than it was okay for whites to shit on others.

The little girl that gets a bike for her birthday which doesn’t really faze her that the kid who didn’t get would be incredibly excited to have it.

The hopeless struggles one woman faces to conceive while the crackhead down the street spits babies out like crazy.

The guy doing five years for kiting while someone else gets a slap on the wrist for beating the shit out of someone.

The young straight male of color that gets the job the white lesbian in her 50s is actually more qualified for.

The rich people with thousands of dollars sitting uselessly in their bank accounts while others are starving.

Those on Indian reservations that get tax breaks because of what the government did to them hundreds of years ago and which no one alive today had anything to do with while others still have to pay taxes. Most others anyway.

The plentiful calories some people consume and still lose weight while others just look at food and blow up.

Even though it’s no one’s fault, it still bugs me at times how backward and unfair the world is. You dream it, you want it, you need it, and someone else gets it. It may not happen all the time but definitely more often than it should.

Nothing new really going on other than that California is being stupid again by having tons of people go to Disneyland and other places to get vaccinated. Gee, we have a pandemic going on so let’s get shitloads of people together so they can spread it even more, right?

Why don’t they just let the doctors and pharmacies have the fucking vaccinations just like with flu vaccinations?

MONDAY, JANUARY 11, 2021 While I slept today, Tom did some more research on that park in Port St Lucie. I was wrong in assuming it’s a small park. It’s actually a small section of a huge club with a few thousand homes. It’s called the Savanna Club. They have three pools, golf courses, and a lot more. It’s a gorgeous and upscale-looking place. However, we’re totally confused about why they would have such nice houses for so cheap. And we’re also confused by the way it lists such low payments yet says it’s on leased land.

Upon his research, he found that there’s actually a long-term lease where after so many years the owner of the club owns everything that’s a part of it which means if you’re still there when the lease expires, you would either have to pay a fortune to stay there or move. The question is when the lease began and for how many years does it last? If it doesn’t expire for 30 years, then we’re okay as long as there are no other hidden catches like additional monthly fees they don’t mention. Maybe the low amount they list is in addition to space rent that’s not listed.

As much as I would love to live there and as much as I think it may still be noisy, though not nearly as noisy as here, I don’t think we’re going to be able to get in.

The place is only 4 miles away from one of the places my parents lived in on Nettles Island and he thinks that that’s probably why they went there. So they could get so much more for less. It’s just amazing that they could do it without the help of the Internet! But she also got a huge inheritance and 89K for the Longmeadow house. I don’t know exactly how much it was, but I know it was a decent amount. They bought a nice RV to go down in when they were looking for a place.

He was surprised to accidentally discover a nuclear power plant nearby and wonders if that might be part of why the costs are lower. Or at least the costs that they list. I can see where some people may be concerned about the reactors breaking during a hurricane.

Anyway, whether we can get in or not, and we won’t know until it comes time to actually contact a realtor so they can explain precisely what the deal is, it’s absolutely beautiful there and would be a good place to grow old. As with any place, though, it does have its pros and cons. For example, you are responsible for your own yard work just like here which means the “daily buzz” would follow me there. I may not hear the really loud obnoxious blowers that you hear here and perhaps not as many saws, but there would still be enough mowing, blowing and trimming going on, and according to all their rules, he didn’t see anything that designated landscaping to specific days.

Another negative is that while I don’t think commercial planes would be an issue, there are more small airports so I’m guessing that since it’s a heavily populated area small planes and helicopters would be a regular thing.

More people and fewer whites are also a bit of a negative, but I don’t care what color they are as long as they aren’t the white-hating, race-card-playing welfare bums we had in Phoenix, and of course they couldn’t be even remotely close to that. We did have Mexican neighbors in Maricopa, and they were no problem. Trashy, yes. I hated the way they would let some of their trash blow onto our land but they themselves weren’t an issue. It was the Mexicans in Phoenix and just in general, especially the illegals smuggling in guns and drugs.

And yet another negative is that we would definitely have to deal with evacuations during hurricanes and be at risk of losing everything. But since I’m not nearly as materialistic in the way that I used to be and important things can be backed up in the cloud, I’m not quite as concerned with that as I might have been in the past.

Now here are the positives. The biggest one is that motorcycles are not allowed. Yes! Those are definitely the most annoying sound-wise. But you can have one dog or cat that must be kept indoors.

I don’t think a roaring freeway would be an issue there since I don’t see any nearby but I’m guessing there would still be a similar amount of projects going on since most people have at least some money there and it doesn’t cost much to buy a circular saw.

This place is so gorgeous and in such an ideal location that I would be willing to put up with some noise. We could get the sleep pod right away although there’s no doubt in my mind that I would sleep better there probably even without one. There would be a bit more space around most of the houses and they’re not right on the street like we are here.

If the payments were that low, he may never have to work again unless we wanted extra money for something big.

So here, the issues are the freeway, landscaping, commercial planes, other aircrafts, traffic, and projects. About half of these can be eliminated or at least reduced. Oh, and we should be able to have water all the time, of course!

One thing’s for sure and that’s that I won’t settle when it comes to a park. If I’m going to be in a park, then it has to be worth it and we have to be in an ideal location. If I’m choked off by other houses and all I see are streets and houses, I’m not interested. I want a “water house” as I call it. If I’m going to have to listen to some shit, then I want a great view while I’m at it. So I definitely want a place that backs up to a body of water.

I still don’t want to get my hopes up because I’m guessing there’s going to be some kind of catch that will prevent us from getting a loan. Again, we’re going to be poor once we leave here. I think we’re going to have to get some land somewhere but that too has its pros and cons but should be even quieter.

Now what if worse comes to absolute worst? Tom said he came up with a backup plan for if the worst-case scenario came to be and that would be if Sundae and a traditional realtor didn’t offer us enough. We don’t think this will happen, but if it does, he’ll get a job and we’ll flip this place. It would delay the move for 6 months to a year but that’s what we would do. And of course, I would try hard not to wonder if something was trying to trap us here while we were at it.

OMG, it just hit me that my “Aunt” Ruth lives in Port St Lucie and I know she’s definitely lived in adult communities. Wouldn’t it be just too funny if we got in there and ran into her? She’s one of those that is both likable and not but basically, she’s a judgmental bitch with a big mouth. If she were kind to me, I would be kind back, though. Honestly, I don’t know that we would even recognize each other since she’s about 80 years old now and hasn’t seen me since I was 23-24. If she suddenly appeared in front of me and started talking, then I would realize it was her, but I think I’ve changed a lot more than she would have. She never cared to be an aunt to me, but if she ran into me and hugged me and asked how I was doing, it’s not like I would spit in her face and run. In reality, she would probably run, LOL. Too many vicious rumors spread by my mother put a really scary label on me that has a long and lasting impression.

Looks like Phillip also lives there. That’s too funny.

Just visited ZabaSearch. Both he and Ruth are listed as living 5 miles from “Water Palms,” as I call the house I want, but further inland. Looks like an on-site house. He would probably want to meet with me if he knew we were just a matter of miles away and that would be fine. However, I’m not saying anything to anyone so it doesn’t get back to the termites. I can’t stop the internet from sharing our personal info but for as long as I can help it, no one there will know if we move there.

Again, I don’t see it happening, but it would still be kind of funny to end up just 4 miles away from where my parents lived. You know, the mother that told me when I mentioned wanting to move down there from Massachusetts that she didn’t want me living anywhere near them.

Yeah, I had a wonderful mother.

Aly’s finally come to realize that Molly could never be a true friend to her. Maybe she’ll come to see that about Kim someday as well. She claims Molly used to be a better friend but has become incredibly selfish. She says that at least Kim has some good traits in her. Yeah, in the mix of all her craziness, joke of a memory, habitual lies, and obsessive behavior that makes me wonder how she’s hardly worth it. I don’t know why Aly is drawn to the mentally ill and doesn’t feel she deserves better but at least she’s come to see that the only person Molly could ever be a true friend to is herself.

The only difference this time around is that the last time she dumped Molly, Molly stalked her relentlessly. This time she’s so wrapped up in her obsession with some guys that she hasn’t even noticed her absence. Aly said that just the fact that she wasn’t mentioned confirmed and solidified her own feelings and suspicions. I noticed this too, although I wouldn’t tell her. But last night I did happen to drop in on Molly for the first time in a while and I noticed the same thing. I was a bit surprised, too.

I had a dream about Andi, the butch bitch from the Vista Ventana in the 90s, only she went by some other name. Tom and I lived in an apartment building and she also had an apartment there. Once she realized we lived in the building even though it wasn’t next to her and we were a couple of floors away, she tried to make trouble for us by complaining about something we supposedly did.

Early one morning when it was still kind of dark and she had left for work, we went to the back of her apartment and Tom made himself comfortable on a bench swing. I was surprised to see that she had not just two small dogs as I had thought but four, and also by how quiet they were.

I’m glad that as far as I can tell Ruth doesn’t live in the Savanna Club. If by some chance we actually do manage to get in there, I’d hate for any family members to live there and make God only knows what kind of trouble for us, especially if they had any clout of any kind within the club.

I also hope to hell Tammy never finds out where we are if we move there. I wouldn’t put it past her to drive to our door. But then if she did, I could do whatever I wanted to her. Or maybe not because the girls would come after me for sure. I’m not about to take on a quarter ton of pure asshole, though I WOULD see to it that they were charged, convicted and jailed. If they weren’t…

I did hear from Goodreads. Gotta give them links to my books.

Later…

Something happened today that put us one step closer to getting out of here, at least in my mind, and one foot out the door. That came in the form of a jury summons for the first. Damn me for registering to vote!

I’ve never had any desire to do jury duty. For one, I don’t drive and that would mean Tom having to take time off from work. But even if he never works again (though he likely will), you know how I feel about courts and the law in general. I have no interest in having anything to do with it ever again unless I’m suing someone or something like that.

So we went to the site and I was able to request a 90-day delay. That’s April 26th. My last appointment is on the 6th, so hopefully, if all goes well for once in our lives when it comes to moving, we’ll be out of here before the 26th and I can tell them I’ve moved.

If anything, this has really given us the initiative to really motivate ourselves to get out of here, not that I needed much motivation to begin with. But it kind of narrows it down to a more specific time frame for us if we try to get out of here in April after I see Doc A and before the 26th rather than wait until May or June. It’s going to depend on whether or not we can get a decent offer from Sundae. They’re the ones that could cause any significant delays.

If there is any reason we can’t get into this club, though, it will be because of money. Trying not to get my hopes up but oh, how I would love a water house! A parcel of land would be quieter and it would certainly have its pros but it wouldn’t be nearly as pretty or as safe, especially for an aging couple. We couldn’t have Walmart deliver and there wouldn’t be as many shops and restaurants. Either one is still preferable to staying here. The club is likely to be somewhat noisy but should be way worth it compared to here especially since it shouldn’t be nearly as extreme. I think small planes, helicopters, and landscaping will be the biggest things there. I do remember being on the phone with the termite one day when I heard a small plane fly over her place, so yeah, that will be a thing there too, as with most places. But is it a few a day or a few dozen a day like here? That’s what I hope we’ll get to find out as we totally want to get into this place!

Port St Lucie is a climate that would be better than Homosassa even though the “Homos” would still be better than Citrus Heights. Again, I won’t get my hopes up because I don’t usually get that lucky, but I really hope to be much more excited about the move than filled with doubts and concerns nagging at me.

Tom doesn’t really care about views and things like that (I think women are always pickier than men when it comes to aesthetics) but after over a decade in the desert and having so little water and rain in Oregon and here, it would be a nice change of pace. When the weather permitted and it was at least mostly peaceful out, it would be so nice to sit in the lanai sipping coffee or wine and watching the breeze ripple the water and any ducks or whatever that may be swimming around. I think it would be a very serene and tranquil scene compared to just streets and houses. Hopefully, it will be a decent size body of water too and not just a small one that’s more like a giant puddle than a lake. When I view the club via satellite, I could see there were different sizes. The bigger the better because then you have fewer houses around you and a little more privacy. Still trying not to get too hopeful because we’re not exactly rich and we’re not in the habit of getting exactly what we want either.

I do have some good news and that’s that Goodreads removed the dead links to the handful of books I had listed there, even though the woman told me they don’t usually do that. So that’s one less thing that can be Googled, and that nasty review is gone along with Sarah’s “like” of it.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 10, 2021 Apparently, we psychics have “reactions” when we’re onto something just like a dog alerts us to something it’s trained to find. Well, after looking at some houses and being like, yeah, maybe, I “alerted” to one instantly, twirling with excitement and feeling tears of hope and desire sting my eyes. I knew it was the right place for us. Funny too, because it’s actually in a park in Port St Lucie, an area I’m somewhat familiar with since it’s in the Stuart/Jensen Beach area. I’m sure my parents knew it very well. It’s only about 10 to 15 minutes away from the beach they would go to when they lived on Nettles Island.

What made this house so spectacular was that it’s a co-op which means it would be easier to get into. We’re going to be low-income when we leave here probably for the rest of our lives so I don’t know that any park with land leasing would be quick to take us. I’ve never really understood money or been all that good with it so I can’t say for sure. All I can say is that we both agree a co-op would be better for many different reasons, the main one being that it’s cheaper and would leave us with money left over each month for other things. We don’t want to end up in the same situation as in Maricopa where the house sucked every last dime out of us.

The house wasn’t perfect any more than any other house, but it was damn ideal. I don’t want to get into describing much of it since sadly, now that they’ve dropped it to 69K, I can’t see it being on the market when we’re ready to get a place. I’ll just say that it’s a 1500-square-foot 1988 place in great condition with a great view since it’s right on the lake. Yes, we would have neighbors close to us but it’s a tiny park and I wouldn’t expect there to be nearly as much traffic.

Just like you know it when you find the right person, I guess you know it when you find the right house. It was the same reaction as when we were checking out manufactured home parks and I walked into the one we ended up getting. I just didn’t know we were going to be getting a shitty life along with it and that he would eventually lose his job and then we would lose the house.

So yeah, it was a great house in a great location in a great town even though it is a little more populated than it is here, and I’m sure I would love the climate even though it does get nippy at night in the winter there.

There’s a lot of good in rural but that might not be the smartest idea since we are getting older. We know we would be better off in a park, especially when our golden years aren’t so golden anymore and we’re not able to take vacations and the party is basically over. We would still want to be where there would be activities for us to partake in be it bingo or whatever. I just don’t want a dumpy piece of shit that’s in a crowded park, totally choked off by other houses. We looked at one like that for 45K and while the good in that would be that we could remodel it to our tastes and soundproof it easier, that would take time and money, and the place was less than 1000 square feet. The neighbors were even closer than they are here.

So if the location doesn’t feel right, I would rather go with land. It would really be ideal if we could get a place where I may still have to get a sleep pod for traffic, mowers, and any projects going on but that wasn’t noisy enough to be worth soundproofing.

I’m trying not to get my hopes up even though I can’t help but be excited about this place. I haven’t been able to get it off my mind. It’s been on the market for 213 days and this is the third price drop down from 90K so I can’t believe it’s going to sit there until March or April. I say it’s gone this month. And then I just have to hope we find something just as ideal when it is time to get a place. Truthfully, I don’t think I’m going to be this excited over whatever we end up getting. I just couldn’t get that lucky. I think there’s going to have to be some settling involved but we could still get something better than this.

I know that where there’s a will there’s a way, but I filled out an opt-out form with ZabaSearch anyway to see if they’ll remove our address. I get that there’s no way, as they said in their FAQs, to remove all personal info from the internet, but if this is one more thing I can remove, why not?

I used to believe that those who try to hide their info had something worth hiding but since having my privacy invaded, I see things in a whole new light and can totally understand their frustration. It really has a way of making you feel violated. Even if you don’t have anything to hide and there’s no direct threat hanging over your head, the point is simple… It’s no one’s business. Looking a person up is no different than peering through the windows of their house. It’s wrong. If information isn’t given to you, then you shouldn’t be able to look for it. I’m pretty much an open book in that anyone can ask me anything they want to know and there’s a damn good chance they’ll get an answer, too. But that’s the way it should be. My business should only be yours if I make it yours.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 9, 2021 My little Fuzzy buddy is gone. :( It wasn’t long after I got up that we noticed he was in the opening of his burrow appearing weak and struggling to breathe. At that point, I could kick myself for not letting him go last night.

Tom quickly set up the euthanizer which is a bottle of vinegar that he cut a hole out for inserting a funnel into as well as a plastic tube in the opening that he sealed with a glue gun. The funnel is for slowly dispensing the baking soda into the vinegar and of course, the plastic tube goes into the cage for the colorless gas to flow out of. You don’t have to cover the tank because carbon dioxide is heavier than air. You just have to make sure you don’t put in too much baking soda at once otherwise you’ll suffocate the animal, and it won’t be much better than smothering them with a pillow or something. You want them to fall asleep, then go unconscious, and then suffocate. He got the exact measurements online.

Anyway, what broke my heart was that before we got him into the tank, he gave out a little squeal and appeared to really be in pain and struggling to breathe as his body convulsed and his tail flapped around. Then he went still but I could see some traces of movement, suggesting he was still breathing at least a little. By the time we finally got him set up in the tank, I don’t know if he was dead or had gone unconscious. Tom said he noticed breathing and was most likely unconscious but not dead. The euthanizer worked fast as it was supposed to. The whole process only takes a few minutes.

I just feel horrible. Not just for the loss of the adorable ratty that lived 773 days but because I wish we’d acted sooner. Maybe it would have spared him some suffering but at least it’s over now and he didn’t seem to suffer for long.

He’s buried outside between the master bedroom and next door’s garage. I hate the sound of that shovel slicing through the dirt, but I’ve heard it many times. It’s a sad sound to me.

So now it’s just the pigs until next month. It isn’t that I don’t like the pigs or would wish any harm on them, of course, but I definitely don’t care about them in the way I cared about Fuzzy. When it comes to rodents, I’m just more of a rat person. It’s been that way since 1998 and that will never change.

On top of that, they’re going to be turning off the water from 9 to 5 on Tuesday to fix 3 water leaks. I appreciate that they’ve gotten better with warning us and that this shit’s happening less often but damn am I not going to miss it! Really miss the days of being able to shower anytime I want and not having to worry that the water may suddenly go off for one of these “emergencies.”

Tom was saying that it might actually be better if Trump wasn’t forced out of power because then Pence would become president and he would have to pardon Trump. Trump may actually stand a better chance of being convicted of something if they leave things alone until the 20th.

I get what he’s saying but I highly doubt he’ll ever have to answer for a damn thing he’s ever done. As Tom said, though, the most important thing is that he’s not president after the 20th. Still can’t believe how crazy, hateful, delusional and downright mean this little cock is. Just as scary is how many followers the sick fuck has. How do you do this shit and end up with so many people supporting and following you? I just don’t get that. But then Charles Manson had his share of supporters as well. There’s always someone willing to support anyone.

Feeling a little off again. It isn’t that I’m getting stabbed in the chest with adrenaline so much as I just feel a little off emotionally in the way that I only began to experience since taking this medication, so I might skip tomorrow as well. I just hate to fuck my metabolism up even more and risk inviting more weight.

Bad news from Aly as well and that’s that she tested positive for the virus. I’m not surprised but that’s great that she’s asymptomatic. Let’s hope she stays that way! This is exactly why we’ve been hiding as if we’re fugitives on the FBI’s Most Wanted list. The only unnecessary trips that we make are those weekly Rite Aid trips and we wear masks, mandated or not, totally foolproof or not.

Did some reading out of curiosity last night and found out something rather interesting about Facebook. There have been some people whom I’ve wondered if they’ve either muted or ignored my messages. Well, now I know they haven’t. I read that if you don’t see the “ignore messages” or “mute conversation” options in Messenger then that means that they have ignored or muted you. If you do see these then they haven’t. I noticed that some businesses that don’t handle support issues on Facebook that I’ve got automated messages from when I did try to reach out to them have their “ignore messages” options missing.

So Alyssa isn’t muting or ignoring me and neither is Doc O. But does this mean they’ve read my messages? I guess it’s likely.

Doc O just heard from me one last time. I told her about the brand issue and that I never did hear back from her son who I blocked because while he may have been perfectly harmless, I had no idea how he got ahold of my name or what his game was. I told her we were moving and wished her luck and that was it.

I haven’t messaged Alyssa in nearly half a year because I just haven’t been interested in doing so but I couldn’t resist saying hello to her husband when I was curious to see if his gym was open since I know that a lot of gyms have been closed and saw the email address listed.

I also noticed that Stacey created a second Facebook account for some reason. She’s connected to her son there but not her husband. Yes, I messaged her as well, letting her know that we were moving soon and that I hoped she was well. I added that I just turned 55 and maybe when I’m 60 I’ll say hello again, LOL. If she got the message, she’s making sure I don’t know it and I know you can do that.

Sharyn is back to her half-dozen daily posts and has completely ignored my message. Yes, I know it could be a glitch on Facebook’s part or that she simply missed it or didn’t get a notification, but I’d say the odds of that aren’t very good. Not sure what it was I said or did but since I don’t want to bother with anyone that doesn’t want to bother with me, I deleted the message.

Do I think it was rude of her? Yeah, I do although I can’t say I’m all that surprised. Just like with Phillip and Jennifer, people may talk to you once or twice and then they just ghost. I’m not sure why or if this is something that only happens to me, but it was definitely rude. She could have at least “liked” it or written a quick “Fine, thank you” or “I hope you’re well too.”

THURSDAY, JANUARY 7, 2021 I went through Sharyn’s posts back as far as Christmas. That’s enough time to tell me she posts quite religiously. At least half a dozen times a day. Then I leave a message and the posting stops. Funny, ain’t it? Only I don’t believe in coincidences. I’m also not dumb enough to think she suddenly decided to abandon her account. I’m sure she’s either gone friends-only or is just hoping that if she gives it enough time I’ll forget about the message if she doesn’t post that she’s been busy and will try to get back to people or something like that. So yeah, unless she got hit by a car again and this time wasn’t nearly as lucky, I’m not stupid. I am, however, a little surprised and disappointed in her. I didn’t think she’d go so far as to not post anything just because I left a message that she would prefer not to respond to.

Doctors must have a much harder rule than I realized about being in touch with even former patients since I made it clear that we’re moving. But between Doc O and Alyssa, they obviously aren’t allowed to associate with former patients any more than current ones. For some reason, I thought the former ones were acceptable but unless it’s just me personally and she doesn’t want to deal with me or respond any more than Sharyn does, I guess it’s considered unethical of her.

A year or so after we move, I’ll still send messages to Docs A, N, and G just for kicks for them to ignore as well if they even see them in the first place. I’ll probably even say hi to Stacey again. I guess it’s just what we bored writers do, LOL.

I still can’t believe yesterday’s insurrection and that an American president of all presidents would incite a riot in hopes of overthrowing the government. This is all on top of deliberately withholding vaccinations for most people simply because he didn’t win. A lot more of us could be vaccinated by now if it weren’t for this fucker that I would absolutely love five minutes alone with.

I’m glad I was right about Trump not being re-elected, but I can’t help but wonder if he had been. Would we be vaccinated by now? Would they have busted into the Capitol?

If we don’t get vaccinated before the move we may not be able to fly even if we wanted to because they may make a rule forbidding anyone who hasn’t been vaccinated to fly.

Texas is still a possibility as well as Florida. He did the math and found that with a 20K down payment, we should be able to get a place up to 90K. I definitely want to avoid states like Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi and Georgia. Southern Texas is appealing climate-wise but then I also don’t want to get too close to Mexico either. I’ve seen what the Mexicans can do in Phoenix and also in Maricopa. I don’t want to see it again. Why is it that those I would rather avoid want to live where I want to live? I still want tropical but tropical is more expensive, crowded, and noisy. It really is a trade-off, alright. The question is just how much I’m willing to trade. Depends on what we could get for it. I would certainly go to a climate that’s a little colder than I’d like as opposed to living in a more populated and less safe city that’s warmer.

Then there’s money. We could get so much for a lot less in certain parts of Northeastern Texas. I’d rather have a little extra money to do more things in a colder place than not have extra money in a warmer place. Yes, I hate the cold and a climate like Oregon and Nebraska is completely out of the question but if it was similar to this it may be worth it depending on what we could get out of it. More space, more peace, and more money might be worth it depending on what we find. I wish I was completely oblivious to climate altogether because then we could just get the fuck out of this fucked up country and go to Canada.

I forgot the name of the town (Pollok?) but there is a great-looking 1800-square-foot place with huge rooms on a decent-sized lot that doesn’t have much around it. The only negatives are that there is a small airport nearby and it backs up to farmland. I don’t expect the small airport to be that busy since it’s in a rural town, but I wonder what loud equipment may be running on the farm and if the place constantly smells of cow shit like Maricopa did. It’s still tempting!

I’d say we’re definitely moving, though, based on the dream I had. This place didn’t look like it really does, as usual, but we had just finished packing everything up and as I was falling asleep, I thought to myself how I couldn’t believe that tomorrow night I wouldn’t be sleeping there or ever again. That would be wonderful so I didn’t have to go to sleep like I will next time around knowing that I’m going to be woken up by garbage trucks. I fucking hate that. I’m just so fucking sick of that and I can’t wait to escape it! Got to get up just because they collect the trash, got to get up because they read the meter, got to get up because some fucker has to blast by in some insanely loud vehicle. It’s gotten bad just about everywhere, so this is why we really have to choose wisely when it comes to our final destination. Definitely not going to miss the projects and the daily landscaping. The dead of night should be peaceful. Not full of planes and traffic, although tonight it’s too bad. It would take one hell of a place and one hell of a climate for such a racket to be worth it and let’s just say it’s no place we could ever afford.

Even though I’m still not sure if I believe in curses or not, I really do seem to have sleep issues above and beyond the norm. When you can’t keep a schedule and you’re the lightest sleeper on earth, how can you not feel cursed? So I worry I’m going to have problems even if we were in a place that was dead quiet. If there’s anything out there that doesn’t want me to sleep, it’s not going to let me. It could just make sure I had more insomnia or that I wake up more often and can’t get back to sleep, couldn’t it?

The US virus death toll is now over 4K a day just as I figured it would be knowing how stupid most people are. They just had to get together over the holidays.

Tomorrow my beloved ratty will be joining the death count. We just can’t let him go on this way anymore. So tomorrow we’ll be euthanizing him. We want to do it in the daytime so we can bury him once he’s gone. :-(

We also have to change the pigs’ cages. They fucking stink tonight. We don’t expect to re-home them until sometime in mid to late February. Blitz finally caught on that yes, he really needs vitamin C and has been eating the tablets we spent a fortune on. He doesn’t eat as much of the food as Rockefeller does which is fortified.

My hair is still as unmanageable as ever and I’m at the point where I’m practically ripping out knots as I brush through it because I’ve lost patience with it. Depending on how much longer it is until we’re vaccinated, I may just go ahead and cut it myself.

I walked both outdoors and on the treadmill today since my hip is okay and I knew I wouldn’t have energy tomorrow. I’ve been up for 10 hours and my current stats are as follows:

21 zone mins 41 active mins 9764 steps 1723 cals burned 6 hr, 38 mins of sleep Sleep score: 85

Bet tomorrow’s score will be under 85 thanks to the trash truck.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 6, 2021 Oh, look at that. Sharyn posts every single day but happens to skip a day when I leave a message on her wall. More than likely she’s just delaying having to acknowledge and respond to me unless she decides, in the end, to pretend she didn’t see it.

However, Sharyn’s the least of my concerns. The fact that a mob has stormed the US Capitol and is attempting to overthrow our government with Trump’s support and help right along with the damn pigs themselves is rather big news. Tom says we could have a big problem if they don’t get it under control and they don’t throw Trump in jail for it because then it could happen again, the Constitution could be overthrown, all laws could be thrown out, and then it’s just a matter of those with the guns being in control.

I’m starting to see where blacks really are victims as much as perpetrators. Yes, what happened to me is all too commonplace. Many courts/laws do favor them these days, but I can also see where they do get shot more by the police and have less support where the police are concerned, thugs or not. Because the majority of Trump supporters are white, Tom believes that’s why the police aren’t so quick to take action against them from storming the Capitol.

I hope he’s right in thinking the pigs will eventually get things under control because if they don’t, it could get in the way of Biden being sworn in and increase the violence against minorities, including me. I just thank God that if worse comes to worst, Ashkenazi doesn’t “show.” It’s hard to hide being black, and you can usually tell when someone’s gay or lesbian but fortunately, no one can look at me and see that I’m Jewish even if I’m about as religious as a rat is regardless of what I look like.

Trump was definitely the worst thing to happen to this country as religion is the worst thing to happen to the world. The fucking cock encouraged his twisted supporters to do this and delayed calling in the National Guard. He only sent the National Guard when other states said they would send theirs.

Whites are just as wrong for doing what they’re doing today as blacks are for rioting and looting when one of their own gets shot. What’s happening today is definitely worse, though. Smashing AutoZone’s windows and looting Target just isn’t the same as storming the Capitol.

I was just thinking the other night that I was glad I didn’t have 50 or 60 years left to live because while some things definitely do get better with time like the fact that gays/les can marry, I think the world, in general, is also getting worse. When you see certain things still happening or that start happening in 2020 that you’ve never seen happen before or that you never thought would or could happen, you realize that anything is possible. The world really could go to hell and be overtaken by all kinds of crazy Hitler-like people. I’m sure Anne Frank never thought that she would be kidnapped by a bunch of crazies and then tortured, starved and killed.

This shit could get in the way of a lot of things including moving although I don’t think or sense this shit will go on indefinitely. I sure as hell hope not! We’re always looking at what’s available and I realize that at this point, as long as nothing throws us off track, our future home is probably on the market right now, especially if it is on a piece of land and not in a park. So we’re just a click away from home but don’t know where to click!

Tom had his video meeting with Dr. A who he could tell was at home. He could see a bookcase and a hallway in the background but didn’t hear anything. I could tell by her latest profile picture that she definitely lives in a much quieter area than we do. I swear I’ve heard half a dozen helicopters today and I’m not even in the middle of my day yet.

Anyway, she said that the spells he’s been having, and the tremors are normal although there’s a blood pressure medication that helps with that if it gets worse. She recommended adding protein to all his meals and lab work and a physical, of course. So we’re going to get blood drawn around the same time.

My blood pressure is still a bit high but since I don’t expect to lose any more weight than I have, I would rather just live with it than take medication. It’s still better than it was. Especially since I’ve cut down on sodium. At my age, I can’t ever expect to have normal blood pressure or glucose levels ever again.

The sleep schedule program he wrote has my schedule jumping 1 hour and 15 minutes a day. I now think it’s around 1 hour and 20 minutes a day. We’re going to download the raw data off my Fitbit sleep sometime and he’ll be able to calculate the numbers and adjust the program accordingly.

After I use a few coded drafts on PB, I’m definitely hanging up the tracking for a while because it’s a pain in the ass since I have to code each individual entry and to be honest, there isn’t anyone in particular I’m looking for or hoping to see. Or not to see for that matter. It’s just a bunch of countries and pretty meaningless at this point.

Okay, they’ve now secured the Capitol. But do I see Trump ever getting arrested for instigating this? No, I don’t, sadly.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 5, 2021 I guess you really can’t weigh yourself every day after all, with water fluctuations and things like that. I ate more yesterday yet I’m down today. Still can’t believe I’m on to anything but I’m definitely going to stick to this way of eating because it will make it harder to hit the 160s and I feel good this way as well.

We tested my blood sugar when I got up and it was 107. Definitely not great but a little lower than the last time the lab tested it.

Even though I was quite lazy yesterday and didn’t even make 7K steps and only burned a little over 1700 calories, I got 12 accidental zone minutes due to my high HR.

We went out walking today and as usual, it wasn’t very peaceful with all the landscaping. Also had to dodge dogwalkers and heard a couple of planes but it was otherwise pleasant. The air was cold, but the sun was warm.

Passed by one house that’s sort of nearby that has a picket fence on one end of it where an unattended dog was left outside to bark. That’s so Westerner too. I wonder…if we were in the same size park with the same street layout in Florida, would we encounter more dogwalkers, assuming more people there are okay with dogs living indoors?

I thought I’d been hearing a bark lately that wasn’t loud enough to be annoying and didn’t go on for hours like Jesse’s dogs used to and like they used to in Phoenix. I wrote it off as being Santa’s dogs even though I thought it sounded slightly different. It’s unlikely it’s being left outside at night or else I would have heard it for sure.

This time we walked for 33 minutes and I got 25 zone minutes.

They finally removed my book, so that chapter of my life is definitely closed! It was fun and interesting at first but definitely not worth the lack of money and the shit that went along with it. Writing is such a black-and-white world. You either don’t make shit or you make a fortune.

I don’t know if “anxious” is the proper word to describe how I felt yesterday, but I felt a little off emotionally, so I decided to skip my meds today. I’m also going to start taking my statin with my last meal of the day because sometimes a kiddy yogurt isn’t enough to prevent feeling nauseous.

It would be great if we could find an ideal house on an Ideal piece of land as I don’t know that any park would take us since once we’re out of here, that’s it, the money is gone. We’ll probably never again have money like this and that’s okay as long as we can afford what we need. However, it would be harder to get out of a house on land than a house in a park where they’re more in demand should that climate backfire on one or both of us.

I don’t think we’ll ever literally be broke again. At least not like we were in Auburn. Not sure if he’ll ever work again but he may not need to if we get a place where the payments end up being a little over $200 a month. I’m all for taking a chance and starting on land, though, since I hate communities and I don’t know that I would sleep any better in a park there than I do here. Starting to get the feeling that we’re not going to be in a park, actually, but it’s all going to depend on what we find. I’m still open to the idea of a park if we find an ideal location and they’re willing to take us.

So Tanya Roberts has gone from dead to supposedly not dead and then back to being dead after a UTI spread to other organs and then invaded her bloodstream. I didn’t think these things still happened these days with antibiotics in existence.

I had a series of dreams that morphed into each other. I was following Maliheh down a city street when I said I wanted some hard candy. A pile of lollipops then magically appeared on a table sitting on a sidewalk that she pointed out which was then suddenly inside a store.

Then a crazy woman was saying some nonsensical stuff to me and appeared to become angry rather quickly. Knowing she wasn’t right in the head and not wanting to stick around for her to lash out at me with whatever paranoid delusions were going through her mind, I picked up my pace and then found it was nighttime. I decided to head home and passed a parking lot where a couple of employees in their twenties were mopping it. I thought of what a shitty job that would be to have, and then I was in our park.

I passed a house for sale that I knew belonged to a relative of Marie’s that died. I knew she knew that I lived down the street and that she was ignoring me for some reason. I wondered if she had left yet but when I saw a light on in one of the windows, I knew she was still there.

In the last dream, my cousin Sharyn came to visit. It was summertime and I was in a sundress. I was totally embarrassed and self-conscious as I suddenly realized I had forgotten to shave under my arms. So I offered to make her coffee to use as an excuse to quickly shave while it was brewing.

A second later I was wearing a bodysuit and lying on top of a bed next to some girl as Sharyn was writing something on a nearby chalkboard. I looked down at myself and decided I should put my sundress back on.

In real life, I left a message on her wall since it’s been a while, not that she would dare think to say hello to me first, of course.

MONDAY, JANUARY 4, 2021 Crying now because we’re likely going to have to euthanize ratty rat soon. He’s still eating and doesn’t appear to be in pain despite not being able to walk well anymore or lift his head up all the way since the biggest tumor is at the nape of his neck, but the end is near and things can only go downhill for him at this point. Tom read about rat experts who recommend putting them in a tank like one of our plastic bins and mixing vinegar with baking soda and how you can’t hurt them even if it fails because all it will do is put them to sleep for a while. If you use enough of the mixture, though, they won’t wake up. sighs sadly Next grocery order we’ll get the required ingredients.

It’s been raining hard for hours now. Cali really needs the rain too! No thunder like they predicted but sure enough, it isn’t stopping them from running around with their obnoxious blowers. It seems it isn’t just the park obsessed with that shit but also the Cross Community park near the Rite Aid we ran out to.

Red wine may stain teeth, but I missed my merlot, so I got some of Barefoot’s brand which I think is the best version I’ve ever tried, along with Sutter Home’s Moscato which has become my second favorite wine.

I’ve been up for 3 hours and strangely enough, I’m not hungry yet. I did have a couple of bites of my candy bar, though, and a small yogurt so my stomach isn’t entirely empty. Once I start feeling hungry, I’ll make some pecan-smoked chicken wings. Feeling kind of cold and tired, so I’ll pre-heat the oven now. Eating will hopefully give me some energy.

Only I could jump nearly a pound with the 500-calorie deficit like I had yesterday. I know water fluctuations can affect the scale from day to day but still, this is ridiculous. One should be able to work this hard and see results and I don’t mean just a few pounds either. But my weight is going to slowly reset itself no matter what. At least once I’m back to 157, I can work it back down to 155 and just keep bouncing between that 2-pound range for as long as I can. As long as I can never have normal TSH numbers, weight loss will remain impossible. At least I think it would. Maybe I would still get nowhere with it even with normal numbers because look at all the fat people out there. They don’t all have bad thyroids but then I don’t know if they’re willing to slave their ass off by exercising for an hour every day and modifying their calories as I have. So I don’t know what would have happened had I had normal numbers any more than I’ll ever know if I still wouldn’t have conceived had Tom been normal sexually. I would doubt it, though.

Anyway, staying in the 150s may not be the healthiest thing and yes, it does make some things in life a little harder but at least I’m not wheelchair-bound because of it. When I saw a video about a woman who was hundreds of pounds overweight and bedridden, I told myself to shut up and stop complaining! After all, my body wouldn’t be determined to hang on to its weight if it didn’t feel it needed it and I know deep down I’m exactly where I’m meant to be.

That bubbly feeling started in my chest again but it’s like it could barely get started. It’s almost like it tried to do it but couldn’t. Definitely does seem to be more likely in the morning just like the article I read said, though I still don’t know what it is much less if it’s serious or not. I’d say it hasn’t occurred enough to be worth mentioning to my doctor and hopefully, it will stay that way. I’ve had enough shit in life!

I’ve also had enough of trying to get my book removed. Scribd obviously has no intentions of removing it no matter what Smashwords does. It’s okay, though. It’s only going to sell once a lifetime and I do share some of my journals for free after all. Hey, I made the Arizona Republic a lot of money so why not make Scribd just a little, right? I’m used to working for free or at other people’s expense. if I was meant to profit from anything I do, I wouldn’t have this sleep disorder.

So Tanya Roberts died at age 65. They won’t say why other than that it wasn’t the virus. By the time she entered Charlie’s Angels, I had pretty much given up watching the show. Once Kate Jackson left, I wasn’t all that interested.

I had a dream that my dad and Kim from MA were visiting and also that the termite found my new number somehow and left a message. Don’t know what she said in the message, but I recognized her voice right away. She definitely would call too, if she got ahold of the number, so I’m glad that that’s one of the few things in this country they don’t make public. Especially with the way Androids often make it a hassle to block numbers.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 3, 2021 We walked just over two miles this morning. It was only 50 degrees but warm in the sunlight. I’m still having three large meals a day and I’m definitely not as hungry as often. I’m just starting to get hungry being 45 minutes away from my second meal. I usually go 5 hours between meals. Didn’t have my last meal yesterday because I was tired, and I crashed early. Was able to back my schedule up by an hour but it’s still two hours ahead of where it should be.

I didn’t quite burn 2K calories yesterday but I came close at 1958 or something like that with over 12K steps. Woke up at 155.2 pounds but I know my body. It will reset itself back to 157 no matter what I do. But if I can bounce between 155-157 indefinitely and avoid hitting the 160s, it’s not all bad.

We ordered a sound machine so I could have a portable one in the hotel since we don’t expect to go from house to house. It would also be good to have because I’ll be in an area that’s likely to have more power outages since they have real storms there. We’re supposed to have heavy T-storms and wind tomorrow, believe it or not.

I messaged Dr. O telling her we’re moving in a few months and I would love to get together with her somewhere one last time because I think she may find a discovery I made rather interesting that had a hand in my anxiety that we never discussed. That’s the brand issue, of course. I told her I’d like an answer either way even though she doesn’t have to give me any kind of explanation if she doesn’t want to but I’m not stupid. I know I won’t hear back from her. At that point, that’s when I’ll tell her about it anyway and how surprised I am that none of my doctors ever suggested this to me, not that she wasn’t a great doctor.

Pawandeep, the Indian lady Tom used to work with texted him and they chatted for a bit. She didn’t mention being laid off, so we assume she’s still working there. Of course they would lay off the older white guy before they laid off the younger Indian woman, but they definitely ended up doing him a hell of a favor with the virus about to really break out. Not to mention the fact that he’s actually making more on Unemployment than when he was working. Anyway, he told her we were heading for Florida in a few months.

In one of last night’s dreams, I was still 47 years old and he and I were discussing squeezing in a kid at the last minute and having me artificially inseminated since I was older. Then I thought about it and didn’t want to put myself through all that, so I backed out.

In another dream, I was sharing my journals with Aly via email one year at a time.

Something hit me earlier that Tom and I were talking about. Anytime I have dreams that we’ve already moved, it’s never in a park. When we were stuck in hotels when we first came down here and an apartment seemed inevitable, any dream I had about moving was never in an apartment. They may not mean anything at all but if they really are signs of any kind and I’m reading the dreams right, we won’t be starting off in a park. Can’t say that I have a strong feeling about that one way or another, but the dreams make me wonder if they’re little hints about where we’re heading.

Furthermore, I don’t see how any park would take us. They usually want you to make three times the space rent and with $1,300 a month, I don’t see any space rent being that cheap.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 2, 2021 Just when I was doing better for sleep and energy, I’m exhausted again. Due to yesterday’s nap, I ended up being up forever and slept much later than I normally would have. So my schedule made a big jump that jeopardizes my getting to the dentist. Hoping to crash earlier tonight and get up at least no later than I did today.

As I told Aly, who understands sleep problems well, what would I do without her and Tom to remind me of the things I so stupidly forget like the fact that I have Calms Forte. Last night I wasted my time taking a couple of Walmart children’s Benadryl which did absolutely nothing for me. That’s not what one should be taking anyway. I try to stay away from melatonin because I sometimes wake up in the middle of my sleep and have trouble falling back asleep with that, or I have nightmares and wake up with a headache. I’ll remember the Calms Forte tonight if I need it.

I read an article explaining that most people who are low on thyroid like me can’t seem to be able to lose weight even with treatment and how they recommend two to three large meals with no snacks in between instead of eating more often in smaller amounts. Funny too, because that’s what I started doing a couple of weeks ago and it’s at least helping me to not gain more.

I’m going to try to make a point of burning at least 2K calories a day. Yesterday I got something like 12,500 steps and burned a little over 2K cals. The treadmill is much easier on my hips than the hard pavement since there’s a slight give in the wood underneath the treadmill. I usually do 3 sessions where I start off sprinting for a minute or two and then I walk briskly while I do a puzzle. I’m aiming for at least 45 minutes of exercise a day although I suppose an hour might be better. I’ll never be under 154-155, but if I do this, it should make it harder for me to see the 160s.

I had a dream that we were living in a house that looked absolutely unlike this one, but we were still about to move. We had to empty out my bedroom for some reason and Tom told me to think carefully about where I wanted to replace the bed when we put the furniture back in the room. I decided that rather than to the right side of the window, which I realized could also go to the left side of it without the drapes hanging, I could move it further up the wall towards the door and then sleep on the other side of the bed where the mattress was supposedly more even.

I then walked down a wide hallway with dark hardwood floors and found Tom lying on a couch-bed listening to a Stephen King audiobook.

Then I swear Adonis was in one of my dreams and we were discussing how bad my memory had gotten over the years.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 1, 2021 Doing this entry from my treadmill. I’m walking at 2.5 mph after doing a bit of jogging at 4 mph. I don’t want my hip to act up so I’m taking it easy.

I’m excited that 2021 is here! This is it. The year we escape this place! I never expect to find a quiet place since almost everywhere has gotten noisy these days but I’m sure we can get a quieter place. Any place not in a flight path and not on a busy street has to be quieter. So unless we trade in the planes, traffic, and projects for barking dogs, screaming kids, and loud music, I’m almost positive the next place will be heaven compared to this.

I listened to 75 audiobooks in 2020 but many of them were just 2-hour true crime books.

Yesterday when I was out walking, I tried to shoot a pic of one of the planes going overhead so people could see how close they come to us, but I couldn’t see a damn thing because of the sunlight.

Although I thought I slept well, I went from a sleep score of 90 to 83 and I’ve been tired today. I napped for a little over an hour and it helped a little but I’m still kind of tired.

I only burn 13 calories every 15 minutes in my sleep. Damn! That’s it?

I just hope Tom doesn’t have a third spell. Again he got weak, dizzy, and shaky a couple of days ago and his blood sugar dropped to 74. In five days he has a video appointment and he’ll mention it to our doctor then.

Didn’t realize Amazon Fresh and Whole Foods were two different things. We tried Amazon Fresh and as soon as they get here, we’re going to try Whole Foods. Looking forward to my crab rangoons, spanakopita and a few other things Walmart doesn’t have.

Walmart pissed me off the other day because they had non-spicy peanut sauce pictured on their site, yet I got spicy. Buying from Amazon Fresh or Whole Foods is better in that I can see reviews and get a sense of what’s really spicy and what’s not.

[phatmoto]

Phatmoto: Understand The Significance Of Bikes With Motors!

There is one thing you should know before buying a motorcycle, despite the fact that we'll go into why they're actually pretty valuable pieces of gear below. Depending on where you live, this type of bike may have a different legal definition. In France, for example, motorized bicycles are subject to the same laws as mopeds and scooters, including the requirement that riders be at least 14 years old and in possession of a valid driver's license or pass a test in place of one. In many Canadian provinces, however, there is no legal distinction between a bike and a motorized bicycle.

The Best Reasons To Get Motorized Bicycles!

When riding in traffic, stopping and starting frequently or accelerating from a complete halt (like a stop sign) to the pace of traffic are two of the most stressful situations. There is also the greater risk of sharing the road with heavy vehicles driven by individuals who have homicidal intentions. If you're not in great shape or are new to road biking, this could be really challenging.

I perceive an incline. Every cyclist has experienced this nightmare. Even when you are not riding on the road, it is a big inconvenience. You've probably stopped at the top of a hill while biking at some point to gather your breath and complain about the climb. Although the hill would not be a problem at all if you had a motorized bicycle. In fact, the ability of motorized bikes to climb slopes is one of its main selling features. With the aid of the engine, you won't be able to slow down even on the scariest or most enjoyable neighborhood hills (depending on whether you're going up or down). 

Even while cycling is typically not a physically demanding activity, there are occasions when you simply feel exhausted. It has a particular effect that wears you out. Lay to rest your concerns. Certainly makes up for the lack of physical energy in a motorized electric bike. It's nice that you can still cycle and work out because you don't have to use nearly as much energy thanks to the motor aid. When it's just too hot to exert oneself fully, I believe this is the ideal feature to employ. A motorcycle enables you to advance at the same rate of efficiency while using less energy, regardless of your physical condition, whether you're stiff, really exhausted, or just feeling sluggish.

As we so often emphasize, cycling is a far safer option than driving. This subject has been covered in almost all of my posts, so we haven't been shy about reminding you. The rundown, though, is as follows for our sporadic readers: According to the World Health Organisation, 1.24 million people died in car accidents in 2010.

Car accidents are among the top 10 causes of death worldwide. It is staggering how many people die in car accidents every day. Check out these figures! It is safer to bike. People usually dismiss bicycles as risky and bring out the occasional instances where riders are killed on the roads, but such accusations are simply the product of hysteria. There is no getting around the fact that cycling is a safer alternative than driving.

The convenience of an assist motor is added to the safety benefits of a motorized bike over an automobile. Because most biker-car collisions occur at intersections, this may also boost safety. By being able to accelerate faster quickly, it might be possible to reduce the likelihood of an accident.

You're conscious of it. When we were kids, we used to cover our bike's tires with crushed soda cans to mimic the sound of a motorcycle. A motorized bicycle may give you the impression that you are riding a motorcycle even if it isn't one. Ride around feeling like a badass biker after mounting your bike and starting the engine.

It's amazing that even if you don't own a motorcycle or a motorcycle permit, you may still feel that way.

Our primary motivation for buying items like motorcycles, cars, homes, clothes, and other things is their aesthetic appeal.  You want to dress or wear something that makes you look beautiful, thus having good taste is essential. Style matters a lot! Therefore, the fact that motorized motorcycles are stylish and sleek is one of their key advantages.

In The End!

When you need it, the extra kick is available. When you're feeling lethargic, it acts as a free pass. Even if you don't need one, having one is an excellent backup for all those "just in case" instances. Once you have a motorized bicycle, I can guarantee that you'll use it more often than you might think.

[pepprs]

ok update i just finished making my card and i said / drew (lol) basically everything i wanted to say in it (except for the things i definitely can’t say now that this is happening lol). so i think maybe i might be ok with not saying what i want to say directly to her. but then when i say that im not ok with it at all LOLLLL so i think i need to sleep on it and maybe see what tomorrow brings