#and i feel like i cant even express that i'm sad because im in therapy already but im stuck

[honeysucklethornsandalligtrhorns]

vent in the tags :3

[genderkoolaid]

Are we sharing examples or transandrophobia? I want to share especially as an autistic trans man and how that intersect. Tw for like mentions of r@pe but no detail. These specific incidents actually run through my mind almost constantly. I came out for the FIRST time when I was 16: -people refused to use the name I had chosen despite me pointing out that's stupid because out cis male friend had changed his name just because he didn't like it and all I was doing was dropping one letter

-my best friend told me that if I slept with a girl who thought I was a "real" man and after she found out I was trans I would have been a rapist for consensually going down on a girl who "thought I was a real man"

-I had a random girl in my class "ask if my ex bf knew I really had a dick" when I said I was trans

-my parents said "no matter what, you'll always be our little girl"

So, I went back into the closet for the most part. I went by She/They and was always like "im not a girl" but people pretty much brushed me off and I didn't pursue transition bc I was afraid of how people would treat me. I came out AGAIN at 21, this time really putting my foot down that I AM MALE.

-My aunt started to refer to my info dumping as "mansplaining" so I stopped sharing my interests with her

-People began to actively misgender me, whereas before some people would at least try to use they as well as she, I only get called she now and never they

-I started to get harassed in public for holding my partner's hand even tho we're both trans

-People really go out of their way to gender me now. "When I was a girl" nobody ever ma'amed me. NEVER, ever.

-People like to assume I'm mentally ill for being trans or that someone must have pushed me to be trans. Their pea brains implode when I say actually I really struggled to come out in the face of everyone telling me not to and I'm trans because I realized I'd die from trying to harm myself if I didn't accept who I already am

-I got sent a lot of death threats and rape threats. A lot. Mostly online, of course, but it really took me aback the negative reaction I had from the WLW spaces I was in when I said I was leaving because, well, I'm not a woman. Crypto terfs, man.

-My uncle said to me, and I quote "Keep this trans shit away from your grandmother, she has enough to deal with" I asked him what he expected me to do when I grew facial hair and muscles and lost my tits. He didn't answer, he probably didn't care.

-My aunt, who claimed to be the most accepting, still misgenders me and acts personally offended when I tell her she's not progressive for doing the bare minimum to show me respect, and not even consistently.

-My aunt ALSO told me I was the reason SHE wasnt getting HRT for her early menopause because "T is gonna make you angry and I don't want to be around that" (T made me calmer and less likely to EXPRESS my anger, actually. I have to find different ways to let it out now bc I kinda just CANT feel angry or sad the same way anymore)

-None of my family has called me to ask me how I'm doing since i came out. They all kinda avoid talking to me, but won't say it, I've noticed though.

-My partner's mom told me she wanted me to go to therapy. I said I'd go for my PTSD as it was causing problems between her and I, she said "No, I want you to go for 'this'" Meaning, she wanted me to go to therapy for being trans. My partner got upset at this and said that absolutely would not be happening because being trans isnt a mental illness

-cis people look at me in TERROR when they misgender me, like they're waiting for me to freak out at them or physically assault them. It actually really hurts my feelings tbh, out of everything those moments sting the most. People I don't even know very well assuming the worst of me for being trans.

Idk just the pure hatred people have towards transmascs and then for people withing our own communities to act like these things don't happen on the daily and don't drive us to have among the highest suicide rates out of any other demographic... It hurts. It really hurts, I want to cry over it and then still this little voice in my head, the voice THEY put there, says to me "Boys don't cry. if you show the slightest sign that these things hurt you, they won't take you seriously"

Thank you for sharing your experiences.

[btssavedmylifeblr]

hi bae. this might be a depressing thing to answer so feel free to ignore. (1/2) ive been into kpop for years now. i comforted myself with idols and their songs. sometimes, because of the overwhelming loneliness in my life, i had dreamed about them. I know I'm just a fan and I'm fine with that. but just to comfort myself, I thought them as my friends and sometimes people I flirt with... but the more I rely on them the more I realized how pathetic I am.

(2/2) irl nobody would love me. I'm ugly, fat, good for nothing ; a loser. I don't even deserve to enjoy their music yet alone being friends with them - even if it's imaginary - I hate myself. "why im like this" this question hunts me everyday. I was seeing a therapist and it was helping but I guess since I spend more time in my head these thoughts came back. I feel so worthless. I wish someone would love me. But why would they? im no special,im nothing. im sorry if i made you uncomfortable.

——-

Apologies for being slow to respond! I’m not uncomfortable, just was in the middle of an upload when this came in.

So I’ve struggled with mild depression on/off most of my adult life. I’ve never been suicidal and I’ve never been medicated but there is a sea of sadness and self-loathing beneath me that is always ready to drag me down when I am at my weakest. So I recognize what I call “depression brain” in this ask.

I’m not a therapist, but for me, depression brain is a toxic combination of telling myself there is something wrong with me, then trying to use my sad depression brain to figure out what is wrong with me, failing to figure to out what is wrong and blaming myself again and the cycle repeats. Depression brain wants to think its way out of depression, but it cant, because depression is not logical, it’s physical.

Here are things that have helped me climb my way back out: therapy, exercise, sunshine, journaling, creative writing, making art, music, talking with friends about stuff I love, healthy food, hydration, sex/masturbation, massage, leaving the house, having a regular sleep schedule, helping other people

Things that make me feel worse: social media, television, junk food, staying inside all day, waiting to feel better, waiting for motivation, waiting for someone else to save me/love me/fix me, not sleeping enough / sleeping at weird times, trying to think through my problems without talking to someone else, telling myself that I am unique in my suffering and no one else has ever felt this way

Notice how all of things that make me feel better are things that make me physically feel better? None of them are magic thoughts that I can think and feel better. But all of the negative things are mental traps that the depression brain lays for me.

How does kpop fit into this for me? My blog is titled BTS saved my life because four years ago I hit a bad stretch of depression and BTS helped me in wide variety of ways. Their music made me happy and kept me company on walks, while exercising, and while doing other productive things that I didn’t feel like doing, like cleaning. Fangirling over them reconnected me with old friends and helped me make new friends with a shared interest, something I had been unable to do as an adult up until then. Writing about them gave me a creative outlet that was both fun and productive and helped me feel like I was bringing joy to other people. Seeing their struggles with a lot of the same issues I was going through and how they expressed those struggles in their music helped me feel like I wasn’t walking this path alone.

But kpop can just as easily be path into the sea of depression. If you are constantly comparing yourself to idols and finding yourself lacking. Or if you get tied up in angry fanwars / drama that make us all feel ineffectual. Or if you try to get the internet to validate you / give you attention because it will never be enough. Or if you’re spending all your time sitting still in front of a screen to absorb their content. So you need to have a critical eye on the ways you use kpop in your life and prioritize those ways that make you feel better and ditch the ways that make you feel worse, even if they seem enjoyable in the moment.

One last note:

People will love you. I’m sure people already do love you and your depression brain is preventing you from seeing it. I have many wonderful people who love me very much in my life, but when I am underwater with my depression, I tell myself that they dont care about me or that I am bothering them and I can’t see how much they love me. Having people who love you is not enough though, you have to love and take care of yourself.

PS. This video on Youtube is one of the best explanations of depression that I have ever found (its only six minutes, go watch it). Also provides a good explanation for why quarantine is making everyone depressed.

Now listen to some BTS and go for a walk. It won’t fix everything. But it may help a little.

[barnettdidit]

Okay, first thing: my crush. He was/ is a shitty person. Many people say that about him, part of me says it because I'm petty (🤷🏼). He cant handle his emotions well, probably because of his shitty home life, and strange social standards for boys. I'm not over him, but I see everything more realistic now. He helped me through a though time. Love, even just having a crush can make everything a little bit easier. Just getting up 🌄I kind of used that back then, so I wouldn't completely drown(1/3)

Second thing: Your crush. He sounds really lost :/ maybe the only thing you can give him is space, and the reassurance that you will be there when he needs you. But then you have to know completely that he's worth it! You're not his emotional support aunt, especially when it hurts you as well. When you get your own life, hang out with friends, meet new boys, maybe your relationship with him will develop? But God, boys are complicated!

Okay and third: the coworker. The thing is, that he doesn't give me signals consciously I guess. He is nice, funny smart, a little bit childish sometimes 🙄 I think boys kind of store that side of them up somewhere (ha!) and never fully let go of it. I guess when you have a crush you try to interpret everything a certain way. But he always keeps a boundary, never talks bad about his wife. Aww but it's nice that you're kind of rooting for me :D right now it's nice just talking to him:)

I’d say to be thankful for how he helped you, but thats where it should end tbh. It sounds like he’s a danger to himself and other people (emotionally wise, since u said that many ppl say that hes a shitty guy) so in order to protect yourself from getting hurt in a similar way, just look at the time you had with him with fondness but think of how it could go wrong real quick, judging from his past.

Honestly, having a crush really helped me too - at times, he makes me really happy, and it also helped me determine that im definitely not a lesbian or ace bc well, hes my first crush and up to that point even my friends thought i was gay bc i just never talked abt boys lmao

yeah, he really is a lost cause, and i dont even know in what situation specifically. I dont know a lot abt his homelife but from what i could gather, i found out a lot about his behaviour romantic-wise which isnt inherently dangerous but rather sad - i feel very bay him for because he suffers a lot from things he couldnt control. my problem is that i have a lot of self esteem issues and i used to express that by saying stuff like “i hate myself lol” which i still do, but now never as seriously as i did 3 years ago, but now i put everyones well-being before mine, which means that if im in a situation like now that hurts me and my mental health, i cannot distance myself from it because my crush needs help so in the end, helping him is a bigger priority to me than helping myself. It’s a difficult thing to change honest to god ill need years of therapy, but ive got the help of friends and family to get me thru it (shout out to my parents who are looking at me like a wounded animal lmao)

Im actually trying to do that atm! im talking more to other ppl and only today i talked to a boy i met at the drama party be proud of me pls

and abt your coworker, he sounds amazing!! i mean we all interpret things weirdly when we have a crush, right? so maybe just concentrate on being friends with him because anything further than that is very unlikely to happen so just have an amazing friendship with that dude!!