#and i don't have a TON of fat reserves right now?

[mademoisellesarcasme]

unironically one of the best things for my mental health around weight/food has been having kids because underweight babies are scary and bad but overweight babies are Thriving (seriously, a baby too underweight gets labelled "failure to thrive"). So weight is good, actually, because it adds energy and strength and room to grow.

[icyhottodo]

love languages ♡

characters: dan heng, gepard landau, sampo koski | genre: fluff!

wc: around 200> per character

✩ DAN HENG + acts of service

dan heng is more reserved, not one to speak a lot or outwardly show emotions too much. so physical affection and words of affirmation are out of the way. 

but the reason why i would only include acts of service and not combine them with quality time is that i think dan heng values his alone time.

"yeah. i’m not sure what to read right now after finishing my favorite series," you told the raven-haired man, mindlessly complaining about your trivial problems. dan heng only gave a hum in acknowledgment, seemingly not interested. not knowing what else to say, you turned to the pink-haired girl and started talking to march 7th, who was a bit more enthusiastic to reply compared to your other friend.

after the next few days, dan heng comes up to you with a tinge of nervousness on his face and a small but nicely wrapped present in his hands. "hey, so i remembered you saying you needed a new book to read. so i bought you this book based on books you've told me you've read before."

dan heng looks away as his face starts to turn a shade of light pink, hanging out the book and scratching the back of his neck with his free hand. awe-struck, you grabbed dan heng’s present delicately. "... you remembered? thank you."

✩ SAMPO KOSKI + words of affirmation

okay, hear me out on this one, even though the citizens of belobog can’t trust sampo’s words about changing his scammer ways. and sampo has lied to them many times. one thing sampo never backs out on is his love for you.

"hey, hey, love." sampo walks into your shared bedroom, checking on you to see if you are ready to go on a date with him. sampo notices your lovely figure and leans into the doorframe, crossing his arms. "wow, you look charming." sampo winks suggestively.

you throw a random piece of clothing lying on the ground toward your boyfriend, which covers his face. bullseye.

"i’m so lucky to be with you." sampo whines, clinging to your arm. you had saved the cunning man from being berated further by his doctor friend, natasha. "what would i do without you?" sampo cries out; you’re basically giving sampo a piggyback ride at this point.

but you especially love those times when sampo comes home from those business trips. cuddling on the couch as your comfort movie plays on the television. sampo tends to be more physically and verbally affectionate when he has been out for a while.

"i love you," sampo whispers tenderly. "you’re so special to me. and i mean it, nothing will change my love for you."

✩ GEPARD LANDAU + gift giving

since gepard is one of the captains of belobog, there are many times when he isn't able to be with you due to his duties. but one good pro about being captain of the silvermane guards is that it has a fat check.

so after his travels on duty, he would always try to give you souvenirs. when he is not, he’ll buy even more presents for you.

"hey babe! good morning, i've got you something!" gepard wakes you up excitedly one day with tons of wrapped or bagged gifts laying on the bed. after opening a few, there was one that caught your eye. it looked a bit different compared to the other presents he had given previously. the present was a small black box.

confused, you took a quick glance at your lover before looking back at the present.

"ge…" you said, sighing in the process, after revealing what was inside the mysterious box. the present turned out to be a silver ring that has half of a blue gem butterfly. you know, it must have been pricey.

"it’s a promise ring!" gepard exclaimed excitedly before showing the other half of the promise ring. the blue-eyed man brings up his arm to show the same exact ring, instead the ring is on a thin silver chain. "and it matches!"

"but gepard, it must have been so expensive," you said reluctantly, examining all of the details of the small piece of metal.

"you know, i don't care about the cost of whatever item i give you. because my love for you is priceless." gepard pecks your lips tenderly.

"now open this present; it's the shirt you’ve been eyeing since we were shopping."

[fallinghorizontally]

Letter from my future self

Hey,

In one years time, you're going to look back to your life on August 8th, 2024 and be so fucking confused. The turn your life took is absolutely insane, a complete 180. How different life is now is shocking. All you worked for in 2024 really paid the fuck off. I literally wake up everyday grateful for what you did and all the work you put in. I wake up to a beautiful view in my high rise apartment, just like you dreamed about. Such a beautiful space in downtown Oakland. I have those cyberfuturistic vibes at night you wanted. I sip some tequila while staring out and remembering all the tough times. I'm so fucking happy and best of all, my anxiety is completely gone. No physical symptoms. Gone like fucking magic. It turned out all I really needed was to have my shit together and owe no one anything and the anxiety just disappeared. And I'm really fucking healthy. I work out, I eat well. I live life stress free. I have my work from job as a data analyst at a mid size company and I'm really fucking good at what I do and I'm paid accordingly. Your expertise in digital marketing really paid the fuck off because I have a 6 figure career and online business. Money problems are a thing of the past. My mom has the career she always wanted and the home. She's comfortable and stress free too. She's never mad anymore, her inner child is healed as is yours. I never gave up, always strived for the best. Sure I am not perfect yet but for one year I sure took a big fat leap to getting there. I'm still a little hoe but I'm more reserved now and have a few select girls that are fine as fuck. My relationship with my friends is just beautiful. We grew really tight, there's no more stress on me about being broke and depending on them for shit. My relationship with my siblings is just as beautiful because I can actually do stuff with them. I'm also not so irritated and shit all the time, I'm so stress free I don't even overthink. I'm close to my true self which is a free spirit, loving, social butterfly. This apartment and my alone time hits better than any drug fr. My work life balance is incredible too. I can do whatever the fuck I want, whenever the fuck I want all while I make a ton of money. Don't even get me started on the music. I love it so much, were still just working on projects, haven't put anything out yet but I will soon enough. All in all, I am so damn happy with my life. In terms of the heights I know I can reach, it meets my expectations but I'm really not done yet. Just be patient because right now, I am so fucking happy.

[the-firebird69]

Destiny 2 has about 400 million more ships than they landed but he wants to hold it in reserve and the ships are pouring down there no but they're going to the West Coast no they're not they dwindling to nothing and that's the last fleet and he had to sit here and watch you hideous people listen all your s*** try and listen to us and get mad at you cuz I can't tell what we're saying and there's a huge thing happening he's idiots are getting off their fat asses and going so I'm going to try and get in here and do some work and Max says oh well so he wants to leave it into it as a tinder box so we can leave your street unclean and he said well it's kind of like that and asphalt in wood and we're moving out and tons of people are going to come in and clean and it's huge. Clones will come in too and they're going to be cleaning believe it or not. It's a huge mess here his garbage everywhere everything has to be grabbed and taken away whole bunch of landfill tons of his brush can he mulch we got a huge job you have a big huge trucks to come out and clear whole Street each truckload, will take 2 days if we loaded the place we'll start doing it we're hoping others will.

You're getting ready and the fleet is shrinking on both sides on the West Coast it was 100 million right now it's about 50 million and there's a couple holes in there four miles wide they're pretty small but they're pouring in airports trillions yeah the airports are loaded they're fighting the Max and Tommy have clones it's a huge War and the molot stuff is huge losses this morning. And we're moving houses and apartments and condos into warlock areas and they're huge and we can get there and they don't want us moving through Mac areas tons of them okay huge ones and they're trying to move their own and it's not working out too good they're getting some but we're moving a lot huge huge numbers of them and the morlock are hearing about it and they're starting to hit hard that's helping and our son is tired but people are starting to figure out what they should be doing or could be doing and it's working huge numbers are coming from overseas and they're flowing in and they turned around and started hitting the backside of the blockade and the number on the west coast is now 20 million it's still a hefty number and the ships are pretty big that remain but they're reducing them and it matters a lot pretty soon it will be a small fleet now there's a hole both of them are 10 miles and they're working on them and on the East Coast it's 100 million and shrinking fast fairly soon it will be a lot smaller and it's working. I'm moving restaurants and Walmart type places we have huge ones and we're supplying them because some of what we consider us and it is sort of us it's in there tons and tons of them moving now huge lots and it's working. The giant giant move and it is a huge huge influx and they are whining the openings on the West Coast they're about 20 miles each and it is rapid and huge groups just got up in China Malaysia some in Russia and other parts Africa and they're moving on to the West Coast in Australia giant ships are moving from there and they're busting up the blockade down there and it is breaking and they're moving here shortly in big numbers huge numbers is a giant Exodus from over there and they're they're leaving will be felt and foreigners will have to pick up the ball there are a ton of them leaving it's around half of them and the black cable will be gone in moments they're going to flow over them. Soon I'll be here and the max are just made and the sun will do okay he does a little better when the max or not in control are a bunch of assholes.

It's a huge huge number of morlock headed here it's huge gigantic and it's on the ocean and the airports each airport has about 500,000coming in every hour, in the USA mainland proper those five there's about $25,000 airports and they're going to Midwest and flying out too is 29,000 total and that's times $500,000 it's about 15 billion people an hour and yeah they're higher ups lots of them in experts and they are dangerous and there's tons and tons of them coming in cuz everybody get fired I have to see why they're moving out too it also splitting up and tours and they're getting their people here as a pole and foreign country is or less a lot of more luck and Max is going to be on their own and no but it is a huge number it's now getting up it was a vast number and about 5 or 10 minutes later it's humongous it's about $10 million octillion in the area and that is very significant, and there's about 4,000 areas so it's 40 billion octillion and that is a very big number and I'll tell you why here in the United States there's only like 20 billion people it's too big and it's too many and they want to take the whole thing and whoever is here including us will be suffocated by them and it's being discussed by Billy z and mac daddy because his clones won't have a way out. And it's not really the math that easy says billy z says. And Max says it is and her son says it is because you won't have the luxury of any infighting for the most part just a shitload of fake and fighting and they'll be going out at solidly and it's still in the Midwest so Billy z is now dumping his remaining fleets down and it looks like destiny 2 it's another 1.2 billion ships and they're coming down into the seas

Thor Freya

The more I could responding already and groups are getting up all over the world informing and getting ready to come here and it's probably going to be several trillion octillion almost whatever remains of their Force and Billy's is saying we're going to wait and see what it looks like towards the end of the day but he is moving some Stone chips in and some Black ships In and it's going to be on and this is the big time we're in the big league's now and that's why this has been playing all day. And it's a famous game it's the Phillies versus the braves and it's one of the first Big League games that was ever played. And it's Atlanta Georgia versus the Phillies and he can't remember where they're from right now a lot of people say Philadelphia but he doesn't think so so for some reason he's got a mental block and it's seeing the anomaly his bank is up there and it's not in Florida and it's something that said in Belgium it's part of their language it's like hello and it's a foreign language and Stefan it's really Trump is in Lord of the rings and it's a horror show and it's a weird thing.

Is a huge game okay it's a huge huge play and move and it's a giant war and see and we're witnessing it happening a huge fleet is now descending on the ocean and giant numbers of warlock are up it's going to be more like 5 trillion octillion huge ships are prepping it's going to be a huge War at Sea and they're prepping for what's coming next it's gigantic it's up to about 10 billion no 10 trillion it's huge it's got to be the rest of their Force

Thor Freya

Our estimates were from 10 to 20 trillion octillion remaining and we'll get a better view of it once they head out and they'll have to head out and they're going to go in waves and they're going to be fighting these Stone ships and black ships and yes Trump is shipwrecked and he goes ashore and he's saying it's wave after wave against these monstrous ships and it's going on and soon it's going to be a very hard fight.

Uriel and goddess wife

It's a mass of War at Sea it is gigantic we have everything that we need to know but we're we're grabbing everything we can it's going to be a huge battle with the the stone chips and black chips and we need every man woman and child now to sign on it's on okay the max are now going to try and take us on

Nuada Arrianna

You cannot and must not trust these kids to win any battles for us we have to be ready to do the work and now we have to do it and we need false flag immediately we need more of the ships and we have to get in there and work we need tons of them if we took them all it might not be enough for the jobs we have to do so let's move it

Salazar and Goddess Wife I'm putting an urgent request for hours to sign on to our military and I'm letting them know that it's mandatory and that they have to and the earliest convenience within the next few the next few days or week it is definitely mandatory for them to sign on before the week is up it's time it's just no choice you got to join the military or you left behind

[chef-icculus]

Turkey!

Ah, the great American tradition! A big, fat, perfectly-golden-brown bird in the middle of the Thanksgiving table. If you watched the grownups make the dinner as a child, your biggest takeaway was that it takes hours, it’s stressful, and it’s really hard to get right.

Good news, newly-recruited grown up! Only two of those things are true!

It’s actually not that hard. It’s really one of those “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself” things. The most important ingredient in the recipe is confidence. So let’s rock this bird!

Use this to decide what size turkey to get:

To be clear, I don’t know what sort of monstrous creatures get invited to Mr. Butterball’s parties, but that calculator is going to steer you to a bigger bird than you need. But that’s okay; it’s better to have unexpected leftovers than not enough. One year we served a dozen grownups and all their kids off a bird that was a little more than 18 pounds, and had tons of leftovers on it, even with all those people, but then again, there was a lot of other things to fill one's plate with, so ymmv. The year before we did a 25 (TWENTY-FIVE!) pound turkey and didn't think it was going to fit in the oven. It did, barely. We were nervous.

Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s has them fresh (never frozen!) and had them out to grab without reserving one, but it wouldn’t hurt to call around and get one earlier than you expect to. Don’t get a frozen turkey if you can help it; it’s just asking for trouble and they take literally days to thaw. If you do, thaw according to directions and don’t take shortcuts. Expect to be running cold water over it for 8 or 9 hours if you wait to the last minute, otherwise it just has to sit in the fridge for a few days. But trust me: get the unfrozen turkey if you can and don't spend the time worrying. (Also, the unfrozen turkey is stored at near-freezing temperatures, so don’t panic when there’s a little ice on it, so long as the bird isn’t frozen solid.)

Don't bother getting a brined turkey, or brining it yourself. Some people swear by this. I think it just makes it salty.

On the day of, plan to start this thing hours before you are going to eat. It'll take you maybe 30 minutes to mess around with it and like 4 hours to cook it (use the chart from Butterball; the 18 pound one took about 4 hours).

Get the turkey unwrapped and untie its feet. Most turkeys come tied up, usually by a flap of skin. Try to keep that skin flap intact, because you'll be reusing it later. Otherwise, some baker's twine will be your friend here. We got some at the local dollar store. Amazingly, it didn’t catch fire.

Make sure you pull out the neck and giblets. This part is fucking nasty; they're stuck inside the bird, so reach your hand in there. The giblets are usually in a plastic bag or wax paper. DON'T LEAVE THEM IN THERE BY ACCIDENT. If you use them for the gravy (I do), or you have some crazy relative that likes to eat them (I do), keep them, otherwise: trash.

Now you're going to want to get that bird in the sink and rinse it out.

Just a little cold water running through its, uh, cavity. Sometimes even the fresh ones have a little ice in there, and this will melt it out, plus it gets out leftover blood, etc. You don't really have to clean the bird thoroughly here. If you see a feather that got left behind, yank it out.

Okay, get the bird in the roaster pan, now. If you're using stuffing, stuff the bird gently (DO NOT OVERPACK THE TURKEY). Some people really like the inside-bird stuffing. I think the out-of-bird stuffing is better, but that's just me. If you don't stuff the bird, it's okay, but be aware that it cooks faster without stuffing. Plan accordingly. We then close off the holes on both ends of the turkey with a slice of bread. It has been insisted to me that this is important. I don't know.

Now get a stick of unsalted butter, let it get to room temperature (forgot to do that? 10 seconds in the microwave!), and mix it with some sage, rosemary and thyme (maybe a teaspoon or so of each), and a little salt and pepper. You should have a pretty herby-looking spread now.

Now you take this spread and rub it over the turkey. With your hands.

It's gross. Then take some and rub it between the turkey's skin and the meat...like...under the skin. This is twice as gross, and you'll probably have to break the skin away as you go; be careful to not rip it. Don't feel like this has to be perfect; if you get as far as the turkey breasts, that's a win and call it a day. Don't worry about this being too even, it's going to melt and run anyhow, but having those herbs stuck to the bird looks/smells/tastes good.

You don't have to use all the spread; I use about half, maybe three quarters of it. Keep the extra for a little later in the cooking process, then it goes in the trash.

Tie up the legs (most birds just have you stick it back in the skin flap loop that was already there). Try to tuck in the wings.

Okay, into the oven! Pre-heat to 325, arrange the racks so you're centered as well as possible.

Once the bird is in the oven, sanitize everything. Raw turkey is germy.

There are two ways to cook the bird. You can shove the bird in the oven and wait a few hours, or you can cook it upside down and flip it, like this guy.

You can cook the bird upside down to make it more juicy; the theory is you're protecting the breasts from the most intense heat for part of the cooking time, and forcing the juices to sink into that area for awhile too. Also, it helps you control the bird from getting too brown. That’s the idea on paper. I think it’s a myth, but if the bird isn't too big, it's not hard to flip it, as long as you have gloves that can withstand the heat when you pick this fucker up after two hours. Don't flip it with some sort of tool; you don't want to damage the bird and you sure as hell don't want to drop it on the floor...so hands or don't do it. Honestly, if you’re worried about the turkey being juicy, don’t overcook it. That’ll save more water than raw fowl gymnastics.

At any rate, get the bird in the oven, and if it's upside down, let it cook about an hour or two, until it's tush looks good and brown, and then flip it over for the rest of the time. Try to tuck the wings if you can. Depends on the size of the bird. Put a little more of that butter spread on top at this point.

Even if you flip it, the bird is going to get brown, probably before it's done. You want it to be golden brown, and not burned, of course. When it looks pretty good, cover it with tinfoil. I often end up putting a strip of tinfoil across the top so the sides could get a little more brown. Sometimes I have to tent the whole thing in aluminum foil if it’s getting dark all over. You might have to tent it long long before it’s done.

The bird is done when the inside of it is at least 160 degrees no matter where you poke it with a meat thermometer. The time itself isn't important, although it's usually a good guideline for how long it will take. They are often earlier than expected. The little plastic popout thing that probably came in your turkey is garbage. Never trust it--in fact, just throw it out before you start--and check several parts of the bird, because different places heat differently: check the breasts, under the leg, etc. It should be beautifully golden brown.

I don't baste the bird. Even if not flipping it. Once it's cooking, just let it cook.

Once you're sure it's cooked well, take it out of the oven and let it rest for 30-45 minutes. Put some tinfoil over it to keep it hot.

Spend this time desperately baking all the things you couldn't previously fit in the oven. Then eat!

tl;dr: this actually isn't too hard, although there's a lot of little stupid details. Mostly you just sit there staring at a turkey for several hours. The hardest part is overcoming the fear of doing it, because you've been told your whole life that this is super-crazy-important. It's not. If everything goes to shit, you can always order pizza and your loved ones will still think fondly about the Thanksgiving where the oven broke.

GLUTEN-FREE ADDENDUM:

Got gluten-free guests coming to dinner? Don’t stuff the turkey (unless you have gluten-free stuffing!). Don’t plug the bird’s holes with slices of non-GF bread (which you don’t have to do if you aren’t stuffing the bird...or maybe at all, wtf is this even for?). This is strictly a question of cross-contamination; nothing else has gluten in here.