#and i couldn't bring myself to do what my social aid told me to do

[postapocalypticcottagecore]

I wake up pretty late the next day, still feeling crap, so I do what I usually do when that happens and go hang out with my neighbour for a while. She's a good friend, and we have an awesome story about how we met that I should probably write up here sometime, and she is also the one who introduced me to the friend who's in hospital. I make some tea for both of us (she swears I do it better than she can), we chat for a bit and then I head off to the hospital to go visit our friend... Alone, unfortunately, because my neighbour hasn't had her new disabled bus pass show up in the mail yet.

It's a fairly long bus ride, and I can't quite stop the anxiety creeping back. I was told pretty much nothing while I was there yesterday, because it's not as if I'm next-of-kin, but the medical staff didn't even say when they thought she was going to wake up. But they probably would have given me the courtesy of a warning if there was a non-negligible possibility she wouldn't wake up at all, wouldn't they?

It takes me two tries to get sent to the correct ward, apparently they moved her around a couple of times in the night for I know not what reason, but eventually get to the right place and... She's awake. She's more or less back to normal: Not really able to talk at first, she's not sure if that's a seizure side-effect or a stress reaction to being stuck in hospital again, but within an hour or two of my arrival she's got her voice back. I cajole a couple of nurses to try and find a doctor who can decide whether she's fit to go home or at least tell her when that will be, to little avail because the consultant neurologist isn't back on duty until Monday. (I think the rest of the neuro team are on strike along with most other junior doctors.) I call her carer for her, the one who said she'd bring the wheelchair: She's not on duty this weekend, try the manager. His number goes to voicemail. I offer to bring the chair to the hospital myself. She says she'll consider it if she hasn't got a firm release date by Monday.

We chat to one of the nurses, talking about her new supported housing placement and the rather underwhelming service the care agency's been providing so far. I mention that I'm nearly always available to help her out if the carers are running late, even if it's just to make her a brew. "Wish my parents would do that for me," the nurse says, causing us both to burst out laughing. "I think you have drastically misunderstood our relationship," I reply.

"Oh, right. Partners, then?" More laughter.

(I don't bring up the fact that she's exclusively into women, has a bunch of past trauma from trying to convince herself that she wasn't and that our mutual friend entirely forgot to mention this until I was extremely close to asking her out on a date. My social anxiety and lack of self-confidence save the day once more...)

The evening meal is served, and I get a not-undeserved scolding for belatedly realising I'd been running around all day on a pint of iced coffee milkshake. I have to head home soon after so I don't miss the last bus.

After I get home, I turn to Reddit for advice on transporting the wheelchair. Two separate unrelated pweople say I should just take the wheels off and put it in the luggage rack if someone else needs the wheelchair space. I reject that idea out of hand on the grounds that a) it strikes me as an extremely rude thing to do to someone else's mobility aid and b) I have no confidence whatsoever in my ability to get them back on afterwards. Also several of them claim that most wheelchairs fold up, which sounds deeply sus.

I hope she couldn't tell how worried I'd been.

It's been a bit of an eventful weekend

Started off quite good. Accompanied a friend of mine to a local autistic people's social group at the library, where we had a pleasant afternoon. But she started feeling a bit ill as the meeting was winding down, and asked to lie down for a bit. I helped her to a sofa, where she remained for a while before asking to move to the floor because she thought she was having a seizure headache.

She was right. We'd managed to get her carer to come out by the time she stopped talking, and the carer decided to call 999. We were told it might take up to two hours for an ambulance to arrive, because fourteen years of Tory enshittification, but they actually turned up in about ten minutes. Observations were taken, a medical history was obtained (with some difficulty) and then we were off to hospital... Leaving the carer to take my friend's wheelchair home for her, because the EMTs refused to carry it in the back of the ambulance as they didn't have any way to strap it down. This was... not ideal, but given that we were doing a full blue-light run over roads that haven't been resurfaced since before the county council went bust I have to agree that the wheel brakes might not have been enough.

I spend about an hour and a half sitting around in the Accident and Emergency Department waiting room, anxious and unhappy because nobody's telling me anything and they won't let me into the room where my friend is being assessed. I come embarrassingly close to losing my temper with a Healthcare Assistant (equivalent to a nurse's aide in the US, I think) who assumed that "tea, white, no sugar" meant I wanted sweetener in it instead.

Eventually they let me into the room and my friend... Seems to be feeling better. She's not talking and is clearly still post-ictal but she knows I'm there and smiles when I make a joke. In the background there's a mighty kerfuffle because someone's vitals just crashed while they were on their way to have a CT scan. (I don't know what happened to them, but I hope they made it.) "Well, at least one person's having a worse day than you," I remark to my friend.

She doesn't hear me. Her eyes are closed, and she's not moving. I remember her mentioning in passing that one of her health issues (you might've gathered by now that she has several) could cause her to fall into a coma if her blood-glucose dips too low. I wish I didn't remember that.

She hasn't woken up by the time a doctor tells me she's being moved to another part of A&E. She still hasn't woken up by the time I realise I have to be at the bus stop in the next twenty minutes if I'm to make it home tonight. I hope she can hear me tell her how sorry I am that I can't be there when she wakes up again.

It's a long journey home, involving three buses with an hour's layover between the last two in a part of town that makes me nervous after dark. By the time I finally get home I'm exhausted. Sleep is still a long time coming.

Think I'm about to hit the character limit, so Part 2 will be below...

[wondereads]

Personal Review (07/24/22)

Malice by Heather Walter

Why am I reviewing this book?

I started following this author on social media ages ago, so I was really excited to read this book. I was scared my expectations would be too high, but it was very good!

Plot 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10

In the Grace Houses, women blessed with golden blood use their power to enhance people's beauty, help them make decisions, and give them special talents. Alyce works in a Grace House, but her blood is green instead of gold and brings misfortune instead of happiness. Shunned by everyone, Alyce dreams of far-off lands as she trains her powers to aid in her escape, but she finds solace and an unlikely reason to stay in Aurora, the princess of the people who hate her.

I won't lie, this book moves a little slowly. It is very interwoven with the politics of the Graces and Briar, the kingdom. Most of this book is Alyce carefully side-stepping the expectations laid upon her and societal norms in order to do what is necessary. If you're looking for something with heavy conflict or fast-paced action, this would probably bore you pretty quickly. However, if you are a political fantasy person like me, it's all very interesting.

I really liked the worldbuilding, which gave tons of attention to Briar and the neighboring fae kingdom while allowing the rest of the world to be up to the reader. I also liked how the history of the area was warped by both personal biases and the passage of time. Everyone who told the story had a personal stake in it, thus it's impossible to parse the truth from the lies, very similar to how real history plays out.

On one hand, it was intriguing how most of the issues come from Alyce's own actions. It's always better to have a mess of a protagonist that the readers can root for rather than someone perfect who just happens to get drawn into bad things. On the other, this resulted in a lot of miscommunication and jumping to conclusions, which was very frustrating. Finally, if you couldn't tell, this is a Sleeping Beauty retelling. It did it very well, but I couldn't help but notice that certain aspects of the story were altered to make it work out better for the romance.

Characters 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10

Does Alyce make a lot of mistakes? Yes. Will I ever blame her for those mistakes? No. Alyce is a very flawed character that drives the story forward through her own vices, but she is also incredibly easy to root for and very compelling. While she did have moments where I was banging my head against a wall at her stupidity (she is very easily manipulated), I never found myself in a place where I didn't want her to succeed. Also, I do like that it is made abundantly clear that Alyce is not attractive. In fact, she is incredibly unattractive (with no room for 'oh she just doesn't realize she's pretty), which is rare for a main character.

Aurora is the love interest in this one, and as a character she was alright. I did like her as a person, she seems to have strong morals and a kind heart, but I hope she gets some more depth in the sequel. To be fair, Alyce really only starts actually spending time with her halfway through the book, but compared to a character as complex and nuanced as Alyce she does pale in comparison. However, I adored their relationship. It developed very slowly, with lots of pining included, and I'm very interested to see how it'll play out.

I think there was surprising amount of depth in the side characters. People presented as wholly good and tormented at the beginning are revealed to be cruel or selfish and people that would normally be unapologetically evil are given reasoning for their behavior and perhaps a chance for redemption. It makes sense with the theme of the story considering Alyce is universally hated and yet is just a woman who craves freedom. Unfortunately, the main villain is pretty one-dimensional with predictable goals and behaviors.

Writing Style 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10

The writing style didn't particularly stand out to me, but I didn't find any issues with it either. The descriptions are detailed, I liked how Alyce's feelings came across, and there were no anachronistic phrases or concepts. However, nothing caught my eye either.

In my opinion, the pacing could use a little work. It starts off very slow. The last third or so of the book is so intense and attention-grabbing, so I wish there had been some more of that earlier on. Whether that would be higher stakes or just more going on, I just wish there was more tension considering how slowly the plot moves in the first half.

Meaning 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10

Alyce's ostracization can be a metaphor for a lot of forms of discrimination, but I think the most obvious and most related to this story is the struggle of queer people. Being gay is often something that is demonized and when someone realizes that they're queer, they can also see themselves as a monster. Alyce is also a great example of how even though she is discriminated against, she isn't free of fault. She still makes bad decisions and must deal with the consequences, she just shouldn't have to suffer from prejudice on top of it.

Overall 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10

My expectations were thoroughly met by this book. While it did have its issues, mostly with pacing, the plot was solid, I loved the characters, and it had a good message. Be warned: there's a pretty horrendous cliffhanger, which is why I plan to buy the sequel before the end of the summer. I'm excited to see how Alyce's story plays out. If fairytale retellings or political fantasy are your thing, I'd definitely recommend this book for you.

The Author

Heather Walter: American, librarian, Malice is her debut novel

The Reviewer

My name is Wonderose; I try to post a review every week, and I do themed recommendations every once in a while. I take suggestions! Check out my about me post for more!

[imagine-hs]

It’s been, like, years 😅 I’m working full time now and barely got time for myself, much less my writing. But sometimes a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do, so please enjoy.

Posting from mobile so apologies for the non-existent Read More 🙈 Why does the mobile app still suck so much? 😩

------------------------------------

The Kiss

The boat was crowded. You felt your anxiety prickling at the back of your throat.

You really needed to learn how to say no. Just once.

It was maddening how whenever your roommate asked you to go to a party with her, you agreed, though you hated crowds… and parties in general.

Naturally she hadn't mentioned that this particular one was happening on someone's yacht… in the middle of the ocean… with no way to escape.

Grabbing your cup a little tighter, you made your way through grinding bodies to the front. There was a bit more room here. Air to breath. Rich douchebags talking shop. Shop meaning which car to buy next from their parents' money.

Your judging gaze drifted over them, uninterested, but nevertheless annoyed. It caught on one of them though. A guy who seemed a bit older than the rest of these just out of high school kids. But maybe that was just because of the scruff.

He was wearing a t-shirt with some record label on it that you'd never heard of. Probably his own or that of one of his parents. His whole demeanor as well as his clothes and expensive looking sunglasses spoke of money. Even his many tattoos did. They were done well, the kind you had to pay good money for in a nice, clean and sanitary studio.

He was leaning on the boat, palms flat against the white plastic, watching his peers with a small frown. That was what had stopped your traveling gaze, you realized now. That frown seemed very out of place in this sea of smiling and laughing boys.

One of the guys he was with was loudly complaining about were this country was heading with all these foreigners. The beer in his cup was slushing out and about as he talked animatedly.

"So what you're saying is, you'd prefer it if all the 'foreigners' left the country?", the guy with the frown asked. His accent was obviously British. A "foreigner" himself then.

The other guy gave a bright smile. "Exactly!"

The Brit stood up, crossing his arms over his wide chest.

"Right, well, it was nice meeting you then."

Other guy laughed. "I don't mean you, of course. Britain and America are like brothers. You're my frat brother, man."

"Oh, I know you weren't talking about me, I wasn't either. I was talking about you."

The other guy stared, smile gone, jaw nearly on the floor. "Me? I'm no foreigner!"

"No? And here I thought your father was a byproduct of your grandfather's affair with the Mexican nanny, was he not?"

There was no spite in the Brit's voice, just honest curiosity. That made it burn so much more.

"Oooooh.", made the rest of the guys.

"That's not… I didn't mean… ugh!", the other guy threw up his hands and stalked away.

The Brit shrugged. "Not sure what his problem is!"

Then he winked at the other guys and looked around… and caught you staring.

You couldn't help the grin spreading across your lips. For a second he seemed surprised, then he returned the smile.

Before anything could happen, someone jumped in front of you, catching all your attention.

"What up, girlie? Are you enjoying yourself?", your roomie asked, obviously drunk.

"Not really.", you admitted.

She sighed. "Well, duh! You need to go find someone to make out with."

She shooed you off. You just rolled your eyes and trotted away. Just to be stopped by another body, planting themselves in your path.

"Hello beautiful!", the guy said with a huge grin, "Heard you were looking for someone to make out with. Well, don't mind if I do."

He leaned in, grabbing your hips.

"Hey, no!", you told him, putting a hand against his chest and slightly pushing him away.

"Come on, baby, don't be like that."

One of his hands left your hip to pull your hand aside. He was close, so close you could smell the alcohol on his breath.

"I said," you snarled through your teeth, bracing yourself, "Get. Off. Me."

And with that your knee shot up and struck gold.

The guy toppled over with a very unmanly squeal.

"Tough luck, buddy. Guess it's just not your night.", someone said from behind him.

You looked up to find the Brit standing there. His right hand was balled into a fist and you were certain he had been ready to come to your aid. Only you didn't need a knight in shining armor, thank you very much.

Only when you looked back at the guy now thriving on the ground, did you realize that it was the foreigners-hating-guy. Yup, definitely not his night.

"Friend of yours?", you asked.

"Frat brother.", he replied, making it sound like an insult.

"How unfortunate for you."

"Tell me about it."

And there it was again, the involuntary smile. What the hell?

"I'm Harry, by the way."

"Y/N.", you replied, shaking his hand.

"So Y/N, how rude would it be of me to ask you to have a drink with me to apologize for my gender?"

You leaned your head from side to side, seemingly weighing your options.

"Eh. Not rude enough that I would decline."

He grinned. Woah.

You stepped over his frat brother, not sparing him another look and walked past Harry deeper into the party.

There was a bar somewhere in there. Also more people and louder music. You clenched your fists and concentrated on breathing.

Someone tapped your shoulder and you turned, face stern. Harry gave you a slightly worried look. He nodded to something beside you. You followed his gaze. There was a stairway leading into the boat’s belly. You frowned at him. He leaned in. He smelled like peppermint and Tom Ford.

“Why don’t you go downstairs, where it’s quieter and less crowded, and I’ll get us something to drink.”

You gaped for a moment, then nodded.

“Nothing too strong.”, you gave back before he disappeared into the crowd.

You climbed the stairs and where grateful as the noise of music and people subsided. One floor down there was a long hallway with closed doors to the left and right. You decided to go exploring.

Behind the first three doors you found couples in various incriminating positions. Whoops.

Door 4 led into what looked like a mini-cinema, with two rows of red velvet cushioned chairs and a white screen on the wall that you knew was currently holding back the ocean.

“Cool.”, a voice came from behind you, making you jump about a foot into the air.

Harry chuckled. “Sorry, bloody carpet muffling all sounds.”

You glared at him. “You could have coughed on the way down here or something.”

He winked. Yeah, that’s what you’d thought.

“So, we going in or what?”, he questioned.

You looked around. “Are we allowed?”

He shrugged and moved past you into the room. Leaning against one of the seats he held out a red cup. With a sigh you walked inside, closing the door behind you.

You took the cup and a sip. Your eyebrows raised in surprise.

“This is delicious. What is it?”

A smirk. Possibly hotter than the smile… you couldn’t decide.

“My own concoction.”

You frowned, checking the bracelet on your wrist. It stayed clear.

Harry laughed. “Not like that. I’m not trying to knock you out.”

You shrugged, moving over to the next aisle and flipped down in one of the seats.

“Can’t be too careful.”

“True.”, Harry turned, now leaning his hip against the seat, “So, what’s your story? What brings someone with social anxiety to a party like this?”

You only stumbled a second over the fact that he knew you had social anxiety, before replying: “My roommate. It’s hard saying no to her… at least for me.”

He nodded. “I know the feeling.”

“Your frat brothers?”, you asked, genuinely curious.

„One of them, yes.“

„What’s so special about him?“

„He’s my best friend.“

So simple, but so understandable.

„This whole frat thing just doesn’t seem like your crowd at all.“

Harry sighed. „It’s not, but it’s his and I need to watch out for him. I promised.“

You felt there was more to the story, but you didn’t press it.

„So you decided to pick out the socially anxious girl, so you could get away from the idiots?“

You grinned, though only half-joking. You had wondered why a guy like him would be interested in someone like you.

But Harry shook his head. “Not at all. I saw a woman who could take care of herself. Strong, independent, smart. Pretty attractive qualities… and it helps that you’re hot.”

He winked again. Your stomach flipped a little.

You nodded slowly, then emptied your cup in one swig. Slowly you got up and moved over to him.

‘Find someone to make out with.’, your roomie had told you. Well, you DID say you couldn’t say no to her. And you had never been this excited about it.

He turned again, his ass now leaning against the seat. He watched you with bright, curious, green eyes.

“Hey.”, you said, standing right in front of him, inches apart.

“Hi.”, he replied, uncertainty lacing his voice. He gripped his cup a little tighter.

“You’re pretty hot yourself, you know that?”

He smiled deeply. “Thank you.”

You stretched out a shaking hand. The tips of your index and middle finger lightly touched his temple and slowly traced down the side of his face. He took a shaky breath, eyes burning into yours. His hands were still gripping his cup. The air was electric.

As you reached the point where his jaw became his chin, you turned your hand a little and lay your thumb gently against his pink lips.

His eyes were wide. Pleased, but surprised.

You couldn’t blame him. You had no idea where this was coming from… but you thoroughly enjoyed it.

Your thumb traced the outline of his lips. Then you pressed your palm against his cheek and leaned in. Your lips ghosted over the very prominent line of his pulse up his neck.

Harry gasped. The sound of crumbling plastic made you aware of the fact that he had just crushed his cup. His hands clasped it hard still.

“Y/N…”, he breathed.

His name fell like a prayer from his lips. It was intoxicating.

Your lips found his earlobe and seconds later so did your teeth. Your tongue stroked the soft skin a bit as you nibbled on it.

Then you whispered: “Touch me, Harry.”

You didn’t have to tell him twice. Immediately his fingers dug into your hips, pulling you closer.

You were standing between his legs now. And he just held on for dear life.

Your lips moved across his jaw and then hovered, quarters of inches from his lips. You were breathing the same air. You just looked at him and he stared back. Tension was building.

You had always enjoyed the moment before the kiss almost more than the actual kiss. The tension made your stomach twist in that delightful way. But it was just getting too much to take.

Still, Harry waited. Any other guy would have already been all over her. But here he was: patient, respectful and oh so gorgeous.

Your lips closed over his in the softest kiss ever. You moved slowly together as Harry’s hand went up into your hair. Your tongue teased his lower lip and he parted easily, meeting you halfway.

Your arms were around his neck and you pressed close to him, impossibly close.

You didn’t understand the feelings rushing through you for this guy you barely knew, but you were certain of one thing: For the first time the kiss was SO much better than the build up.

Your fingers tangled in his hair. You tasted the peppermint you had smelled before.

You couldn’t recall when his cap had dropped, but his brown wavy hair was free now. All yours to play with.

Your head was starting to swim and you knew you needed oxygen, but you weren’t quite ready to let go yet.

Just before blacking out, you broke away, gasping for air. Harry did the same.

You stared at each other in wonderment.

“Woah!”, he made.

“Ya.”, you agreed.

You stroked the side of his neck, while you just looked at each other.

“That was the best kiss I’ve EVER had.”, he finally exclaimed after calming his breathing a little.

“Same.” You nodded.

“So… should we continue or will that ruin it?”

“Probably the latter.”, you mused.

He nodded slowly.

You bit your lip. Then patted his shoulder and stepped back.

“Ok then. This was great. Maybe we’ll see each other at school.”

He nodded again, still dazed.

“K.”

You turned around and left the room.

As you slowly walked up the stairs, still wondering what the hell had just happened, the boat shook a little and someone upstairs was yelling something like ‘Land ho!’.

You figured this meant you had docked again.

Thank God.

You didn’t wait for your roommate or anyone else, you dashed off the boat and grabbed a cab home.

Your head was still spinning, when you lay down in your bed and you were certain it wasn’t the alcohol.

It HAD been the perfect kiss. Just that. One kiss. Perfect. No responsibilities. Just one perfect kiss.

.

.

.

Gosh, you really hoped you would meet Harry again.

[radicaldreamer017]

Fuck my dad. Such pigheaded fascist sympathizer (or just a fooled pigheaded idiot... which is more likely... but daaamn).

Now he said he won’t do anything if Macron is shit. That we all should have voted for Le Pen (because she’s so good and the first party of France, of the people) and that we deserve to suffer with Macron (conveniently ignoring that most of us voted against Le Pen and do not like Macron much and are ready to fight... and maybe manage to build a good opposition front that ISN’T the FN... and geez, how spiteful of him... to take pleasure in our possible future struggle when Macron’s laws might negatively impact him the most... I mean, WTF !?). That I’m a dumbass who believe anything she reads on the internet (how insulting coming from him, the guy who believes a lot of shit on tv without doing researches on his own).

And then, my sister who’s all “fuck you, got mine” about life. I didn’t think she would grow to become so selfish as years passed.

Gahhhhh ! 

I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s fights after fights, it gets nowhere, feelings are hurt, i’m always a bit frightful I could eventually get hit or worse by my dad (I know he’s capable of really losing it when he’s angry... and i got told twice I was going to be killed last year when he lost it, after/during my panic attack episodes)... and i’m stucked into this house because of crippling anxiety/depression (which mean, no self confidence, no job, no money... no way out).

I don’t know... Am I being unreasonable trying to convince him the FN is dangerous ? Should I just accept and stay silent whenever I hear stuff I find unacceptable ? For the greatest good of the family ? Just stay quiet about my own political and moral opinions, even when I hear something offensive (I mean, if i’m so mad about the FN voters, it’s not because of a divergence of opinions... it’s also because these people could put the alt-right in power in the future... and i see what it looks like with Trump in the US and it scares me) ? It’s a bit hard living with myself sometimes. I loathe lies/deception and injustice in general. And it was always hard for me to shut up in front of my dad (I know I wasn’t an easy kid, often called insolent, often told by my dad that other parents would have pulverized me and i should consider myself lucky to have them instead... any time my father hit me, I was often more likely to get angrier than to understand what good behavior is... truth be told, as i’m writing this, I feel like a fake, like a horrible daughter/person who is asking for undeserving sympathy and who probably deserved to get hit/slapped for my behavior). By letting my father believes in the FN, I feel like i’m losing him in some way. It hurts.

I just want to cry and escape somewhere. How long can I live like this ? With depression, anxiety, family issues, no friends/lover (because I have become a damn shut in), my shit self, no job or money, despair about the world/my country, no motivation for anything (unless it’s dumb escapism) etc...

[misshollander1]

Gif credit to @parkery

Contains; small drabble of an 18 year old somehow catching Tom's eye and the thoughts he faces of finding her intruiging.

I never thought I would be in the acting scene. Especially since I hated being the center of attention. But something about being in front of a camera and playing a character made me feel somewhat safe.

I was able to be someone I always wanted to be and portray them in a way only I could and have people relate.

That's how it started at first. I acted in a few commercials and starred in the background during my years attending University, the small money I made being put away in order to help pay my tuition.

Next thing I knew, I had people asking who I was and if I had any social media. I was contacted by a previous person I worked with, them telling me their manager would like to work with me. I was quite young and my parents denied but I told them that if I could help make money in any way, I would take it.

So I took the job. Granted everything started off slow again, me being in the background and having small roles. It soon led to me being a supporting role and eventually, landing a role in the new Spiderman movie.

I was now eighteen years, four years younger than the male lead Tom Holland. I wasn't playing a love interest despite a few people I knew wanting one for his character.

I couldn't deny the role because, not going to lie, he is quite attractive and a total dork. But, I've always loved superheroes and it was a dream to star in one in any way I could.

I admit I was nervous, seeing as Tom's character Peter and I had quite a few scenes together and there was suppose to be some sort of interest towards one another to create some tension for the audience.

It didn't take a lot besides the director having us spend some time together to maintain a friendship so it was more believable on screen.

So here I am, an eighteen year old sitting across from Tom Holland himself and having a small lunch, each of us having prepared questions to ask one another.

"So, how long have you been attending University? How is it?" He asked, handing me a napkin.

"Thank you and uh, it's my first year. But since I got some financial aid to help me attend, I have to pay back a loan I borrowed. So far it's okay. I wish someone told me about time management because my first semester was completely horrid." I chuckled, opening the chopsticks nearby and stopping mid dip to choose a fork.

"You don't know how to use chopsticks?" He asked. I shook my head.

"I've spent hours practicing but I guess my fingers aren't meant to hold them." I sighed, twirling the noodles around my fork and stuffing it into my mouth. "Anyways, how is it being Peter? I know you get asked a lot but it's what I could come up with."

"Don't worry about it, darling. And I enjoy it. Like I've said in many interviews, I've always had a liking to Spiderman so being able to portray him makes it a dream come true." He laughs lightly

"Despite looking like a 12 year old?" I teased, raising an eyebrow slightly.

"Do people really say that? First they say I have a frog in my mouth and how I can't pronounce croissant. Now this?" He laughs a bit once more, his voice making me feel warm.

I won't lie and say I didn't have a crush on Tom. He is an amazing actor but the way he's such a dork and a goofball made me admire him and like him. I just wish he didn't call me darling because sWeEt JeSus that was attractive.

"So, besides that, is there a reason you chose acting? Is that something you're studying?" He asked, stuffing his face with the Chinese food we ordered.

"Not really. I'm majoring in psychology and thought about minoring in dance but there aren't many dance minors. I opted out for possibly minoring in English but it's not a for sure thing. But, I never acted in my life and the opportunity was given to me so I tried it."

"What do you like about it?"

"I guess being someone you're not. I understand a lot of actors contribute a bit of themselves into the roles they play but for me, I guess it's a confidence boost type of thing." I said, grabbing my water and taking a sip.

"Confidence? Explain." He asked, a small smile on his lips.

"I uh, I'm not that confident in who I am. I hate my body and who I am as a person. I'm high key a pessimist but choose to hide it and I am very easily manipulated. I guess being sexualized at a young age and being harrassed for four years made me feel even morr less of myself. So being able to play a character where I can include those struggles makes me feel like I'm not so alone. I hope that makes sense?" I said, furrowing my eyebrows and looking at him.

"Well, I can truly say you are a beautiful girl. I'm not just saying it. Everyone is beautiful in their own moments and from the moments I've seen you on camera, I can tell you radiate a light. I do see something in your eyes I haven't seen but that's what I find interesting about you. You were willing to be vulnerable to me and let me know how you feel in complete honesty, yet you hold something in those eyes of yours. They're beautiful if I may say once again despite them being the same color as mine but you get what I mean?" He said, clearing his throat and reaching for his own water.

I gave him a shy smile and nodded, the words he spoke making me happy. I have had people conpliment me and try to make me feel better about myself but the way he put things made me believe it the most.

"Aside from all...whatever this is," I smiled, reaching for a spring roll, "what is something you would want our characters to do? I've read the script and we seem to be doing these crazy things like a science experiment going wrong and it exploding in our faces, coating them in blue dust."

"I want us to do something in the rain. I could walk you home along with Ned and I guess all three of us have a heart to heart. Kind of like we did here." He smiles, looking at me and then avoiding his gaze.

"I think that would be nice. I could push you into a puddle and run away." I said smiling.

"I would tackle you then and there don't test me." He teases.

"Try me Holland."

Eventually, Tom and I got closer working on screen. I was only able to shoot during certain times due to my classes but I always made up for it, working on late work or doing homework during my lunch time or any free chances I got.

The other cast members would check in on me and bring me some snacks to keep me motivated and focused so I wouldn't be too stressed.

But there was one day where I was not understanding what was being said and it frustrated me to the point I slammed the book and cried into my hands, the stress overwhelming me.

I didn't hear the knock or the door being opened to my small portable but I did hear the swish of plastic bags.

I looked up and was face to face with Harrison, one of Tom's best mate.

"I'm sorry to disturb you. Tom told me to bring you some lunch but I guess I'll leave you be." He spoke, clearly embarrassed.

"Nono. Don't worry about it Harrison. I was just taking a small break from my work seeing as I couldn't understand it." I sniffled, wiping my nose and eyes.

"Maybe I can help? What is it?" He asked, setting the bag down near my books and taking a seat near me.

"It's physics." I sighed and he made a face.

"Why would you hurt your brain like that?" He asked, making me laugh.

"I thought it would be easy. It somewhat is but this topic is hard and I'm not understanding. I guess I'll email my professor for some more help if needed." I sighed, rubbing my face.

"Alright. I'm sorry I couldn't be much of help. But Tom made sure he got you your favorite, Chinese." He smiled, reaching for the bag and unboxing the takeout.

"That's really sweet of him. You guys didn't have to do that." I said, setting the box on my lap.

"Well he wouldn't shut up about it. He kept interrupting and asking if you had eaten and it took Zendaya to say she took you some breakfast and that was it." Harrison spoke.

"Mm well... When you go back to him. Tell him I appreciate his kindness. Also, thank you for delivering it. I haven't seen you around much as usual." I sighed, rubbing my left eye from any tears.

"Yeah. I've been running some errands of my own, listening to Tom gush on and on-"

My phone rang and I gave Harrison an apologetic smile, answering it.

"Hi Tom. No, I got the takeout. I appreciate it. Yeah no, he's here." He continued to speak until asking for Harrison, me looking and handing him my phone. "It's for you."

Harrison took it and spoke to Tom, casting glances my way every few seconds.

I set my takeout onto the side and regrabbed my Physics book, Harrison putting his hand out and stopping me before ending the call and handing my phone back.

"A scene with you, Ned and Peter is being shot soon so you're going to need to get ready." Harrison told me. I nodded and thanked him once more, waving goodbye as he left.

"Are you serious?" I asked, seeing the set design.

"Yeah! I talked Jacob into helping me get this scene and our director liked the idea enough to have us shoot it. He called for improvisation to see how it looks." Tom said, stuffing his hands in his pockets and smiling at me.

"This is so cool what the fuck." I said, earning a laugh from Tom.

We shot the scene and did as much improv as we could, Tom keeping his word and tackling me in the rain when I pushed him into a puddle and splashed Jacob, a huge 'come on!' escaping his lips.

"Cut! Great scene. Let's try it one more time and great job tackling her Tom. Make sure not to bruise her! And Jacob, great reaction!"

Jacob shook his head and laughed, handing me a towel to dry my hair off.

"I'm going to need a blowdryer or something." I sighed, the towel being worked on my hair.

"Why's that?" Jacob asked.

"It begins to curl. Like how it is now." I said, holding up a loose curl.

"I think it looks pretty." Tom spoke, ruffling the towel over his own curls.

"Thank you." I said, earning a wink from him and an eye roll from Jacob.

Filming was coming to an end and my screentime was becoming less and less which meant I was hardly on set.

But that didn't stop Tom from messaging me during his breaks to see if I wanted to get lunch or hang out with him and the cast.

I was walking to the lounge on set after one of my classes when I overheard my name being spoken.

I furrowed my eyebrows and listened, hearing Tom and Jacob speaking.

"She's eighteen isn't she?" Jacob spoke.

"She is. But I don't see that as a problem." Tom answered.

"What about the backlash? She's four years younger than you and people will find it weird."

"Oh please. There are women and men dating others more than half their age. Something about her intruiges me. I-I enjoy being around her. I can't explain the feeling being around her." He sighed.

"It's obvious you like her. We've all discussed it and even our director knows. Why else would he approve of that rain scene knowing it might not make the cut? He wanted to see the chemistry behind you both." Jacob explained.

"I do adore her and something about her is just ugh. I don't want to creep her out and feel like I'm preying on her. I'm not. I do like her Jacob." He admitted, silence following a bit after.

I was obviously shocked to hear the news because one, Tom Holland said he liked me,two, he said he liked me and three, he said he liked me.

But I knew where he was coming from. People would be quick to think he was being a creep and his fans would be hurt they weren't the ones catching his eye.

But I also wasn't so sure how I would be as a girlfriend. I have never dated and felt that if things wouldn't work out, I would be the reason why.

I don't know how to love myself and I feel like my anxieties and insecurities would get in the way after a while of hiding them so much.

I shook my head continued quickly to my destination, hoping they never saw me and knew I was listening in.

I eventually reached the limit and had to stop here! The rest is in my drafts so let me know if you would like a part two!