#and i cant even be sentimental or sappy on that. call

[starlooove]

The breakdown is gonna hit

[scornedserendipity]

II. The Road to California (Winchesters x Younger Sibling)

AN; so don't get me wrong. I love every single sibling au there is when it comes to my boys but i just cant stand how i always feel like its too sappy for what supernatrual in, so im writing this lol. like i said im gonna try to stick to the plot (timeline wise) but everything else is me so enjoy chapter two. (yes i do skip over some things beause a second sibling changes the timeline)

Summary: Dean and Jamie make their way to Sam in California.

word Count: 4.3k estimate

After filling Jamie in on the case concerning their father, the siblings fell into silence. Dean was driving while Jamie went through the cassettes for another album to listen to.

“I’m sorry we missed your graduation. I know it was a big moment for you.” Dean started. His sister was different, he could sense it. She was stronger, more mature but he couldn’t help but see that tiny kid Dad found in a big empty house.

“It was no different than any of the other big moments but let’s not get into it, Dean. Besides, you guys were on an important hunt and I forgot to get your tickets anyway. We can play catch-up when we get Sam.” She didn’t want to get all sentimental till they could get it all out with Sam after he agreed to come with them.

Dean sighed. “Jamie, I know you don't like being emotional 'cause you wanna be like your big brothers but we messed up. We weren't there for you when we should have been.”

“I know, don't worry it was lame anyway.” Jamie gulped. “I know you are upset about me hunting. Bobby didn’t even know till a couple of hunts ago!” She tried to explain but Dean put his hand up.

“You know how Dad feels about you hunting Jamie. That’s the whole reason he trusted you to Bobby, so you could have a normal life!”

“You know I was never going to have one, especially with my Mom still awol,” Jamie said, getting quieter when she mentioned her Mom.

Dean knew it was a touchy subject. How Dad always forbade her from seeing her Mom even though she was still alive. Jamie didn’t know the whole story of course but Dean couldn’t bring himself to tell her the truth.

“Is that what this is about? Dad and I told you what happened. You shouldn’t go chasing after her!” Dean said.

“Why should that matter? I have a right to know who my mom is if I have the chance!” 

“You’ve never even met her Jamie! We are your family. We have been there for you!”

“Oh Really? You left me with Bobby for a year Dean. You never call, never text, Dad never calls, never texts. I didn’t even know if you were alive until you rolled up!” 

Dean didn't want to argue. She was right and he knew it. they had been less than a family in the past year. especially since Sam left.

“Okay. You’re right, but now we have to put that aside and get to Sam so we can find Dad.” Dean subsided. There was never a point in arguing with Jamie, for one they could never stay mad at her, their little girl, and two, thanks to her special little party trick they could never hide their true feelings from her.

“Yes, and I’m going to help you find Dad. there is no point in arguing because I’m going to do it anyway. I got past Bobby, you two are easy.” She added, taking the finishing sip from her cream soda.

“Whatever. So what have you hunted? Any souvenirs?” Dean asked jokingly.

“First was a shapeshifter that wormed its way into town. I beat Bobby to that one when I saw its skin outside my school earlier in the year. Then there was the vampire a couple of towns over and most recently a ghost haunting my ex-boyfriend, talk about karma.” 

“Boyfriend?”

“yeah, it didn’t end up well. He wasn’t as cool as I thought he was but oh the face he made when I ganked that sucker. Ah for the pages!” Jamie laughed.

“Right. Well, no more boyfriends if you plan on being a hunter, and just because you graduated doesn’t make you grown up. So it’s the same. You follow orders and stay out of the way.” Dean said, glancing between her and the road.

He remembered the night Dad took them to her. Like the drifters they grew up to be, they were staying at their Dad’s friend’s house in Texas, hunting a vampire nest. He knew that his Dad and Frida were close. They would stop by anytime they were in town and one day, Dad had taken them there. He told them it was something important, an emergency. 

Sam and Dean questioned them the whole time about what it was till he finally spit it out. 

“You have a baby sister now and I’m taking you to meet her.”

“Dad, what do you mean? With Frida the medium?” Dean asked.

“Look, I know you’re probably upset but we didn’t mean for this to happen. I didn’t even know until a couple of weeks ago. Frida is in some trouble and needs our help.”

That was all he said about it. When they got there, the house was empty except for a car seat and a note. John and Dean searched the house while six-year-old Sam stood guard over the Baby. Curiosity got the better of him and he read the letter as he looked at the sleeping baby.

“Dear John, I am so sorry I did not tell you sooner. This child will likely have some of my abilities and for that reason and more than I can explain, I must leave her with you. All of her paperwork is under my bed. I named her Jamie Winchester. You are the father so don’t even think of running from this. She needs you and you need her.

-Frida.

“What’s it say, Sammy?” Dean asked as he came back to the main room. 

“Her name is Jamie, and she is our new sister,” Sammy said, carefully holding the newborn in her arms. “Do you want to hold her? She is sleeping.” 

“Sure,” Dean said, sitting down and taking the baby from Sam. “Jamie huh? She is a Winchester. Look at that nose!” He said. Using his index to lightly tickle the baby’s nose.

“Boys. this is no time to be cute.”

And the rest was history. it took a lot to adjust to having a new baby on the road but Dean had done it before with Sam. It wouldn’t be much harder.

The rest of the drive was silent other than the occasional argument of Metalica or AC/DC they enjoyed each other’s presence. 

“So…was there any word on your Mom?” Dean asked just as they entered Palo Alto.

“No, still nothing. But I know she is out there. Ever since the thing kicked in I’ve felt a presence and I know it disturbs you but I can’t help it.” Jamie said, immediately going to defend her statement.

“It’s not that kiddo. Regardless of what you have going through you’re head. We all love you no matter what. You are family, ever since that night in Texas, and nothing will ever change that June Bug.”

Jamie smiled and nodded. “yeah, can we stop for food? we’ve been driving forever.” Dean chuckled and agreed. They pulled into a burger joint and sat down. It was late, almost midnight on this side of the country.

“Do you think Sam will come D?” Jamie asked, setting her drink down.

“Of course he will, it’s the family business.”

Jamie stared at her brother for a moment. “Why did you never answer my calls?”

Dean looked up at his baby sister. He knew this would be the topic of conversation until Jamie was satisfied with his answers.

“Sweetie, listen, hunting is not for sport. we don’t do this because we think it is fun. I should have called and checked on you, I know and I’m sorry I didn’t. I’m sorry I didn’t return your calls. I’m trying here.” He explained.

“Fine, I will accept your lackluster and mediocre apology. But I hope you know I know you are hiding something and I’m gonna find out what it is.”

For a moment, Dean almost got panicked over the idea of his baby sister finding out what he was hiding but that was for another time.

“Common, we gotta go get Sammy, the case is still an hour away,” Dean said, dropping some change on the table and waiting. Jamie nodded and took her final bites before dusting herself off and following her brother.

“You know, when you said try to convince him, you skipped the part where we break into our brother’s dorm,” Jamie said as she followed Dean up the fire escape.

“What can I say? We’re Winchesters.” 

He broke the window and crawled in. Jamie followed after. Looking around at her brother’s life for the last two years. She pulled her gun out when she heard a crash. Turning around her brothers were wrestling, Sam holding a bat.

“Dean?!” Sam’s voice was tired. “Jamie?! What the hell are you guys doing here at two in the freakin morning?” 

“Well, Dean is looking for beer but we came here for you.”

“You guys can’t just break into my house! I could have killed you?” 

“You wouldn’t,” Jamie answered.

“Sam?” Another voice rang from the hallway. 

“Jess. Uhm, these are my siblings. Dean and Jamie, can you give us a minute?”

“Yeah, I’ll go put something on.” 

Jamie looked away. She was pretty, but she couldn’t help but sense that something was off, she wandered around the house while her brothers talked. It was always easy to slip away when she stepped away from them. Their bond was nothing she could ever imagine for herself. Yes, Sam left hunting behind for a better life, he left his family behind because of the turmoil but you can never not be a hunter. That was always her takeaway from the night Sam left for Stanford. 

Jamie listened back in when Sam’s voice got serious. 

“Whatever you need to say to me you can say to her too,” he said, putting his arm around his girl.

“Um, Dad’s on a hunting trip,” Dean said, raising his brows like Sam was supposed to understand him. “And he hasn’t been back for a while.”

"yeah, you know how the season is," Jamie said, raising her brow and winking.

“Jamie go wait in the car,” Dean said, tossing the keys for Jamie to catch right on time. She turned to Jess and smiled. “It was nice meeting you, finally. We’ll bring him back in one piece.” Jess nodded and Jamie left. Walking past her still arguing brothers.

She started the car up and waited by the trunk. Stealing one of Dean’s beers while she was at it. He wouldn’t mind. She knew he couldn’t wait for her first beer with him. Truth is her life has been on a fast track ever since Sam left and after she was left at Bobby’s she knew she would have to hit the road for her Mom sooner or later. She chose sooner knowing it wouldn’t be an easy battle finding out who she was outside of being a Winchester. 

“Jamie, pop the trunk,” Dean said. She dropped the beer to her side, hiding it behind her thigh as her brothers walked towards her. Sam had a tired look on his face.

“What was he hunting?” Sam asked. 

“And why didn’t you go with him, Dean?” Jamie piped in from the side.

“I had my own thing voodoo thing in New Orleans.”

“Dad let you go on a hunt on your own?”

“I’m twenty-six dude and besides Jamie has been solo hunts too. You’re the only one who’s behind.” Dean said.

Sam looked at his little sister with a mix of anger and surprise. She sighed and looked away. She wasn’t going to take dirt from someone who ran away from the life.

Sam walked over and hugged his sister. He already knew what she was thinking by the way she hugged him back. It wasn’t the kind of hug that popped his back and made his heels slightly lift up like before. It was just a return hug.

“Jamie. I left hunting behind, not you..” 

“Well, you have a funny way of showing it. Fill him in Dean, I’m waiting in the car.” Jamie said. She knew she had no real right to be angry. She was there with him at the height of Dad’s obsession but she couldn’t relate. Well, she could but she refused it was the Same with Dean. it was always her reaching out after Sam left. They never needed her.

She got in the backseat and checked the time. it was late but Bobby would probably be up. She mulled it over for a moment opting to listen while Dean caught Sam up. A few minutes later she watched as Sam walked away. For a moment she wondered if he would walk back out. to her relief, he did. There was nothing she wanted more in the past year than to be with her family again sometimes.

Sam looked so much more mature, maybe even taller than when she last saw him, his hair was maybe an inch shorter and his clothes looked newer.

Sam jumped in and Dean followed.

“Looks like we’re getting the band back together.” Jamie joked, there was no better joy than irritating her brothers.

“Hell yeah!” Dean said as Sam rolled his eyes.

“I have to be back by Monday. No exceptions.” 

Dean and Jamie rolled their eyes at their brother as the engine turned over. Jamie couldn't help but look back at Sam's house. It didn't feel like him at all. Right before they turned the corner, she could have sworn she Saw Jess looking through the downstairs window as they left. She did not look happy either.

-

Sam and Jamie sat in silence as Dean went into the convenience store. She could sense the tension he felt, how apprehensive he was about going on a hunting trip.

“Jamie,” Sam said, turning around to face his kid sister.

“What is it, Sammy? I’m reading here.” She said, putting the local newspaper down and looking at her older brother.

“I just, want you to know that when I left, I never left to get away from you.”

“Sam…” Jamie sighed. “I know you didn’t leave because of me.” Jamie adjusted her position taking up the entire backseat. “Yes, I am salty about it but you don’t have to keep apologizing. You still did more than Dad..or Dean for that matter.” She muttered. Sam tried to say something but Dean came back.

“Jamie, breakfast. Sammy?” Dean offered as he got into the car. Jamie accepted the cheap junk food and retired back to her newspaper. Dean mouthed to Sam, asking what was wrong with their sister and he gave Dean a look as if telling him to not go there.

“No breakfast. How are you guys even paying for this? Still running credit card scams?”

“Well, hunting isn’t exactly a pro-baller business,” Dean said.

“Did you forget the gummy bears?” Jamie asked from the backseat. Dean sighed and tossed them back to her. “Thanks.”

“Okay, game plan. Jamie is gonna get the motel set up, see if Dad left anything and we are gonna go get intel. We need more information.”

“Yeah, like Dad ever leaves us with any. Why am I stuck at the motel?” Jamie said, sitting up and chewing on gummy bears.

“Because you are the youngest and the youngest does research.” Sam piped in. Jamie could tell he didn’t like the fact that she was on the hunt. She grumbled and turned to face away. Sam rolled his eyes and gave Dean a look. 

Jamie listened as they bickered over the music. Eventually, they took off and Jamie was left at some rank motel in town. 

“Just like the old days. It would be fun he said. yeah, if leaving me in the motel my entire life is a fun childhood.” Jamie muttered to herself as she entered the hotel. Her role in this family unit was to stay behind.

She entered the motel room, flipped on the switch, and almost relaxed till she looked up and saw the walls covered wall the wall with what she could only assume were her Dad’s notes. Taking in her surroundings, there were sigils painted on the doors and windows, salt lining every entrance. Even the floor vent was covered.

“Dang Dad, what did you get yourself into?” She asked herself. Walking to the wall and reading over her Dad’s notes she could barely make sense of any of it. There were papers covering the walls, strings, and sticky notes. It was like a conspiracy theory board or something.

“Alright Dad, let’s see what you saw.” She muttered to herself. This was something she discovered fairly recently, something she could only attribute to her inheritance. 

Jamie first realized there was a chance she could experience visions when she started getting into thousands of pages of lore Bobby had amassed and continued to grow as he went on his hunts with Rufus. She didn’t know for sure until she met her ex-boyfriend. He had been lying to her and she knew it, she went to punch him and saw visions of him with one of the girls from the cheerleading team.

Jamie scoffed to herself as she remembered the moment she discovered her visions, but they weren’t visions of the future like the lore had described; as far as she could tell they were visions of the past. The most recent moments of the past, but moments that had already happened nonetheless.

She tried to tell Bobby but she just couldn’t. He was already keeping her hunting secret at the time and she didn’t want to burden him with another. So she practiced in secret when Bobby was away, she would make her way up to the attic where he put the majority of his daughter’s belongings. She would touch them and see flashing moments of his daughters playing with them. Likely the last time they ever touched the many toys up there.

“Alright Jamie, you got this. Before Sam and Dean come back.” She muttered to herself before taking a deep breath through her teeth. She focused like she did with the girl’s toys and closed her eyes.

She felt her heartbeat outside of her body as she watched from the perspective of the wall. She saw her Dad staring back at her. Behind him, he was aligned with a mirror that hung in the room. He was haggard, standing a ways away from the wall, before walking towards it. he was on the phone, talking to someone. She couldn’t make out the words but she could almost read his lips.

The vision cut off and Jamie felt like she had fallen from high up and just made an impact with the ground. She stumbled back from the force and planted onto the bed. 

“That was useful.” She muttered to herself, rubbing her brow to soothe the oncoming headache before gently laying down. 

—

Sam and Dean returned in suits, sighing as they opened the motel door. Jamie had called them and told them all about the Dad’s room and how she couldn’t make sense of anything. 

“Did you find anything, Jamie?” Dean called out. He didn’t hear a response. “Jamie? Are you in the bathroom?” Dean called again. Dean looked at Sam. “Where is she?” Dean asked as he walked through the small room. Only the bathroom was separated and a small wall led to a closet. 

“Have you tried calling her?” Sam said, walking around the room and staring at his father’s obsession.

Dean muttered something under his breath and grabbed his phone. 

“She better pick up.” He muttered. as the phone rang. sam listened as it rang and rang.

“This is Jamie Winchester’s main line, leave a message after the tunes. Caio.”

“Dammit, Jamie. Why is she always running off without telling us? We got her that phone for a reason.” Dean muttered as he changed out of the suit. 

Sam stayed silent and changed as well. “Maybe she is at the library digging something up.” He suggested. Dean always jumped to worst-case scenarios when it came to him and Jamie. He raised her the same way Dean raised him. He was surprised that after she graduated she didn’t hightail it out of there for her mom.

Dean was calling again and on the third ring, it picked up.

“Hi D.” 

“Jamie Winchester you answer when I call!” Dean sighed. He was just relieved she was okay.

“Okay jeez, don’t go all ‘Dad’ on me. I’m at the library digging up some local lore. I happen to have respect for municipal buildings big bro.” Jamie joked. “I took the bus and put my phone on silent.”

“Did you find anything good?” Dean asked, rubbing the bridge of his nose. Already regret picking her up from Bobby’s to help. Deep down he knew he wouldn’t be able to focus if she wasn’t near. The last year taught him how much he needs his family. 

“Actually, yes. I did. Just like you said, over the years the killings have happened routinely and on the same stretch of road. I think it a haunting. Meet me here and I’ll fill you in.” Jamie negotiated.

“Okay. Sammy and I will come get you.” Dean agreed hanging up and turning to his brother. Who was standing by the door with his “I told you so” face.

“not a word out of you,” Dean said pushing past him. Sam rolled his eyes with a scoff and grabbed his bag.

“Why did you even bring her? You know Dad is going to tear us a new one for putting Jamie in danger. She should be in Sioux Falls.” Sam said following after his brother. 

“She came along anyway and you know Dad could never say no to her? Remember when he got her .45 for her 13th birthday?” Dean said.

“No, you got scared after a ghost tried to haunt her at school and pretended Dad left it.” Sam corrected. His brother always seemed to remember some things differently than he and his sister. "She got suspended for having rounds in her backpack.

“Whatever,” Dean said, they got into the car and made their way to the library in town.

“So, how has she been?” Sam asked as he skimmed over some newspaper.

“Who Jamie? She is fine?” Dean said shrugging his shoulders. 

“Dean, she is our little sister,” Sam said rolling his eyes. “Did you even know she’s been looking for her mom, Frida? Have you or Dad even checked on her in the last year? She is hunting on her own for god’s sake!” 

Dean grimaced and looked over at his brother. He couldn’t image what would happen to his sister if they let her find Frida but he could also imagine how she must have felt when he didn’t call. He didn’t have a response, all he could think in that second was remembering what those bodies just a floor above his sister went through and how she could have been next.

“She will never find Frida. I don’t know why Dad kept giving her false hope.” Dean said, shaking his head and looking out the window.

“Dude, that’s her mom. She should be allowed to know her at least as an adult and we both know, Dad probably knows that she won’t stop till she gets what she wants.” Sam said. "I would have killed for a chance to know Mom."

This was where a lot of their arguments started. Over Jamie. It was either Jamie, Dad, or hunting.

“Sam, you know why we can’t let that happen.”

“Why because of something Jamie had nothing to do with and can’t control? We don’t even know if Frida went haywire on those guys that night.”

“That is exactly why. We are lucky Jamie didn’t get the full package. We got enough to worry about as it is.”

“How do we know that De-” Sam was about to start again, but the car was parked, and Dean looked up at the library.

“Sam.” Dean turned to his younger brother. His face was calm and his eyes watered for a second. His siblings had grown so much since he had last seen them. “I- never mind.” Dean didn’t even know what he was going to say. He got out and marched towards the library. Sam followed.

The boys walked in and searched for their little sister. Sam spotted her first and ruffled her hair before pulling a chair up. Just to get pushed out of the way by Dean.

“Hey! We have work to do, stop goofing off.” Jamie said. She hated how rough her brothers could get in public.

“Bitch.”

“Jerk.”

“Here look at this. I found this blog that talks about a close encounter someone had a couple of years ago. They also saw a woman in white that night but get this. This person heard her say something just before making it off the bridge the way he came. I think there are some embellishments but…” Jamie trailed off. She knew she at least found another witness account at best, her interweb slouthing skills needed serious improvement.

“here let me see,” Sam said. Jamie moved over, making room for her big brother. Dean wasn’t even paying attention. He was checking out the young librarian when he saw stacking books.

“Right here.” Sam pointed out. Jamie read the old article Sam had found.

“Dean, we found it,” Jamie said, tapping her eldest brother. “Does it say where she is buried, Sam?” Jessie asked, leaning forward. 

Sam had to take a second. He felt like he had whiplash. He didn’t know how to feel about his baby sister going after a ghost with them, let alone whatever Dad was hunting. He puts it aside when Dean peaches them both away.

“No, but the survivor says that he heard the woman say “I can never go home.” The same thing that was in Dad’s messages.”

“Well?”

“Constance Welch. Committed suicide after her two children drowned, and threw herself off a local bridge.”

“brutal.” He muttered. “Alright, find out where she is buried Jamie, Sam and I will check out where she died,” Dean said.

“Okay, can I get some pizza money?” Jamie asked. She knew better than to argue on a hunt but at the same time, she couldn’t help but yearn to be in their place, actually saving people and hunting things.

Dean scoffed and reached into his pocket. Handing his sister and twenty and leaning down to make eye contact with her.

"If you aren't back at the motel by the time we are, I'm going to kill you." He said with a small smile.

"You couldn't even if you tried." She sassed back, taking the twenty and pocketing it. Jamie and Dean stared each other down

Back at the motel they were, Jamie splayed herself out on one of the beds. She felt exhausted, with no idea why but if her brothers-

“Why are you sleeping, Jamie? We still have some bones to burn.” Dean said.

“Ugh, can’t you just leave me alone for one minute? Ever since we got in the car it’s Jamie this and Jamie that. If you weren’t gonna let me hunt why bring me at all Dean!?” With that she stood up and walked out again, handing her jacket pockets and a scowl on her face

“Dude, what’s with her?” Dean asked confused as to why his sister was suddenly giving him so much attitude, they were fine less than an hour ago.

“I’ll go talk to her,” Sam said, zipping up his jacket and walking outside. Dean sat down and looked around.

Sam didn’t have to go far to find his kid sister. She was leaning up against the side of the motel, her head in her hands.

“Hey, June Bug.” Sam called, using her old nickname from when they were kids.

“I’m not a kid anymore Sammy.”

“And I’m not a chubby twelve year old but here we are.” He said, moving next to her and leaning on the ledge of the wall. “So. Are we going to talk about what just happened?”

“Igh. I don’t know. He is just like Dad. He rolls up expecting us to just follow him and put up with these stupid orders. I’ve been on my solo hunts from start to finish Sam! Why can’t they trust me to help? I have half a mind Dean set this all up just to get us together and I love it when we are together but when we are we-” She said, rubbing her brow as she spoke.

“We’re pretty nuclear, I know, June bug.” He said with a lazy smile he always had when he knew he was right. Sam reached up, pulling her hand down. He didn’t know if she kicked her hair-pulling habit but he didn’t want it to start again either way. 

“Hey, I get it. Trust me but you know we are just trying to protect you. Hunting isn’t exactly a safe career choice and there sure as hell isn’t workman’s comp.” He tried to joke.

“Oh really, is it any safer than leaving a ten-year-old and a toddler in some random motel with a clerk who is probably a pedophile?” She asked, sitting up to face her brother. She was in his face, Sam never backed away from her though. He didn’t even flinch at his baby sister. All he could do was internally laugh at the irony of their family’s dynamic.

Sam was much bigger than she was. He was bigger than all of them actually but Jamie had no real fear of her brothers. They never saw her as any real threat either. Most of their restyling matches ended up with Dean holding her down while Sam ticketed her. This wasn’t one of those situations.

“Are you gonna go back to Bobby’s?” Sam asked.

“No, the only thing waiting for me there is a car that has no belt, Bobby, and a bunch of faces I don’t want to see.” Jamie kicked a loose rock away from her boot.

“Have you considered college? You’re wicked smart with machines, like Dean.”

“Yeah, and abandon my family, that would go over well. Ya know Sam when you left none of us talked to each other for three days. I know we grew up pretty unnoticed but we were never completely abandoned. You got to leave and you left me behind too.” 

“Ja-Jamie come on. You can’t hold that against me forever you knew I had to leave!” Sam tried to argue.

“Sam, you forget I can feel your true intentions. Whether I want to or not so no matter how much you try to explain it away with all your logic and luscious hair, I know exactly how you felt that night and that won’t change.”

Sam huffed and chewed his cheek. If he knew one thing about Jamie Winchester, it was that she knew how to hold a grudge.

-

and end. hope you liked it idk ima keep trying. prolly skip over some stuff idk

[mintys-musings]

Subaru x GN!Reader - Marathon Sex Ramble

Subaru Akehoshi. I think abt him sometime 💚 I’m slightly drunk when im writin this so dont expect coherence my dears~

NSFW under cut~

Honestly I think he’d be into marathon sex just to see how long he could go. Also he gets a power trip from keeping you in a pleasure drunk state (sure so is he, but you’re the whore for it.)

In general, Subaru is a flip flop of loving and degrading in bed in a way that would leave you dizzy. VERY big tease. Guy has lots of energy so you could imagine this kind of back and forth going on the entire time would reduce your brain to mush

He would try and pace himself in the beginning. He’s sentimental, after all- Despite his more mean words saying otherwise, he’d want to savor the moment even a little bit. After he’s done making sure you’re properly loved up and nicely kissed though, the moment’s over and it’s time to chase that high.

If you wanted to top at any point, he’d let you. But he’d be the worlds most talkative and non-serious bottom you’d ever see. Guy can’t keep his mouth shut

Tbh i don’t think he’d be too serious abt this at all. Intimacy? Don’t know her. He’s going to still be goofy and crack jokes.

Idk why i can just imagine him- in the middle of all this- calling one of Trickstar (yes counting anzu. Cant have a star without all the points) Like he doesn’t enjoy exhibition or showing your body off that way. He wouldn’t risk strangers seeing you. And he doesn’t want strangers seeing you. Plus it’d really fuck with his idol career if stuff got out so he’d rather not. But he has no qualms with showing you off to his closest companions or even letting them join. He makes you tell them how good you’re feeling. If he’s feeling extra evil, he’s video calling them and showing them just how well you take him.

Subaru def told them before hand that he planned on non-stop fucking that day so they all kinda expected this at some point and were bracing themselves to lower their volume and/or hide their phone screen if needed DSFHJ

Wouldn’t necessarily go crazy with changing positions every time. He’d just at least move you around a little so you don’t get sore. At some point though, you’d end up just laying flat on the bed and him fucking into your hole.

If you tire yourself out quickly, he’d only go so many more rounds before just stopping. Unless you both talked about just free use, he’d rather have you at least semi-responsive. If you talked about free use, he’s just gonna keep at it.

Cuddly after. Does the appropriate aftercare and showers you with kisses once youre both cleaned up. Will keep massaging your thighs. He likes squishing them. Acts as if yall didn’t just fuck for god knows how long and just keeps telling stories until you fall asleep. He’ll sleep shortly after, he just wants to be awake while you are just in case you need anything.

subaru akehoshi is a menace but he loves you and i think he'd be really sappy (almost weepy) but only if you're asleep because he doesn't know how to unmask his usual attitude. he can say serious things, but he always has to punctuate it wtih a joke idk guys i thnk he's interestin.

[onetimetwotimesthreetimess]

DGUOM first chapter reaction

He didn’t know what it was—not even sure if it was a positive or a negative thing but it was an inexplicable feeling. Something deep fluttered within his chest and Alec wanted to crawl inside his own body and chase that feeling.

oh no, the most dangerous and unpredictable feeling one can ever catch themselves developing, alec has caught a serious case of baby crazy

The baby made grabby hands at Alec and grasped his fingers in both of his hands.

alec kinda snow white if we think about it

Did Magnus not feel it too?

alec case of baby crazy is serious i dont think anyone can reach that level

“I thought you wanted tips on how to spice up your and Magnus’s sex life.”

i would suggest strawberry, apron, and a really really embracing attitude to juice produced by unconventional mean

Alec felt a little guilty for hiding this from Magnus but he didn't know how he was supposed to explain to Magnus what he himself didn't understand.

alec is baby crazy and have great tits that mean he a MIL-

 “He hasn't stopped crying ever since he was brought here. What did you do, Lightwood?’

max fell under snow white spell

When Magnus’s addiction had become evident to Alec, he had researched everything and anything related to alcohol and substance usage disorders.

meeeeeeeee

His first instinct had been to blame the mother.

failing women study the first lesson in this day and age? shame on you mr lightwood

“I am cheating on you,” he said without thinking much.

seeing how jace has not stopped regarding his hair as the eighth wonder of the world, i doubt the world is that broken yet

Magnus just ‘Alec-ed’ him.

it the equivalence of being called in class by your name when you using your phone

 “You can name-drop me if that helps.”

though on all account we should be extra careful handing babies to celebrities

 “I thought I was baby.”

you pay taxes

Apart from Alec’s heart, if Magnus had to list out the physical attributes that made him fall in love with the man, it would most definitely be Alec’s smile.

not of his derriere? what happen to society??

The baby.

uh oh

all im gonna see is im glad alec let magnus decide that raising a child that only person one and that person cant be at home usually is ignoring the trashbags in your house until it pile up it gonna end ugly and smelly for everyone

“For someone who is so self-aware, you love to be in denial about things. How about you discuss this in therapy?”

lowkey my advice to everyone

“I choose you. I love Max. I always will but I choose you. You’re my heart, Magnus. You didn’t break it. You’re the one who always mends it.”

i do recall one accident the culprit of this sappy sentiment almost got his heart crushed under a burning building because he dumbass in love ultimate mode but i digress

“Blueberry, Daddy is being stupid. Where do you think you’d be if not at your home?” He asked Max, who giggled in return, reaching for Magnus’s necklace.

20 years after this max will take dibs on magnus jewelry box im sure

normal people have baby fever. Alec Lightwood just straight up takes random babies back home.

never thought I’d see the day someone compares Alec to Snow White but you are so right for this. His smile and his charm and his absolute dumbass really does have the snow white effect lmao. Magnus Bane really had no choice jsjssjsklsllsbshsk

me @ u calling these dumbasses out

[cultivatxr]

@onuscientia​ whispered: The blossoms he could tell were so gently, so delicately tended to, drew him from the straight lined focus he was notorious for, eyes pulled from his phone to gaze upon them. "These remind me of my mother..." He says, ever so softly, daring not reach out to touch her wares without permission, but smiling fondly all the same, "How much for all of them? If not for me, then... I would love to purchase them in memory of her on this day of love. If that is alright? I will gladly aid you in procuring more, if necessary." He could use them to decorate... to mentally transport himself back to a time when things weren't so rough. So uncertain. "Ah-- Happy Valentine's Day, by the way, m'lady. Perhaps it was fate that we crossed paths on a day meant for emotional reflection.”

She’ll never get tired of this day. Never tire of the infectious joy and warmth of affection as it overtook the pessimism and negativity of her suffering city. Sure, it helped that business was booming - but it was the impact on people she treasured most. The drawn out glances and lingering smiles, the squeals of delight that cut through the air with chorus upon chorus of smitten and heartfelt laughter. It was a day for love in all it’s forms, from the platonic to the downright sappy - it was humanity at it’s pure and wholesome finest. 

Plus, it meant she got to bring flowers to the masses - and you should never underestimate the will of a gardener to introduce more unsuspecting souls to the joy and magic of multicoloured blooms. Propped up against her cart, Aerith was nothing short of amicable at the arrival of an appreciative eye, pride radiating from her cheeks at the attention her floral children, so diligently tended had calmly received. ❝Really? Did she have a favourite? Mine was always a fiend for Wisteria.❞ With a genuine smile, the question was ventured, a subtle invitation to speak if he had near of a foreign, but, empathetic ear. 

❝All of them?!❞ Shock overtook the sincerity for a moment, her eyes widening ever so slightly before it muted into something half delighted and half concerned. ❝Are you sure?❞ There had to be something close to 200 flowers left in that freshly polished cart, an entire field’s worth of memories and planetary affection. She couldn’t fault Ignis for his logic though, nor his attention to detail and due reverence in remembering his mother. The sentiment alone tugged at her heart strings, the sheer purity of the occasion throwing true business acumen out of the window in favour of making someone’s day. 

❝For you? 150. But are you sure you’re going to be able to carry all these on your own? ❞ Briefly she had visions of him turning into a walking flower bush, dotted with multicoloured blooms from head to toe and being chased by bee and butterfly alike, the image alone cementing amusement in the apples of her cheeks. ❝It’s really sweet of you to remember her. Most people get hung up on the romantic at this time of year, they always forget about the other kinds of love. For parents, for siblings, for friends. Maybe even the odd chocobo too if you’re lucky to call one a pet. ❞ Lopsided her grin shifted, her head canting from side to side as she tried to work out the logistics of quite how to bedeck her would-be customer in his requested wares. 

At the mention of Valentines specifically, soil flecked hands extended the edge of her dress in a small but theatrical curtsey. ❝Much obliged, sir. I hope you have an equally splendid one. Even if you are going to have pollen up your nose for the next fortnight with all of these… ❞ 

[bluesora]

hello!! hehe since this is aligned with your 300 milestone, the selfship question of this week!! if you are comfortable, what would your dates with Kita be like? (you can even add in clothes/attires you’ll wear hehe)—ssa

hihi ssa anon !! sorry this took a while hehe,, have been kinda busy these few days so i didn’t have the time to sit and think about this.

what would kitae dates be like?

« picrew link »

totally did not make him wear all black because monochrome is my only way of fashion choice

every single outing with him is a date to me honestly aownsiwjksw /)(\

and that’s because i’m a very indoor person so i don’t particularly go out unless there’s a need to? he doesn’t seem like someone who would actively go out either so,, we probably chill at home most of the time ???

thus,, even going to somewhere as simple as a supermarket for groceries is a date to me. and i absolutely adore groceries date (●´ω`●) !!

domestic dates is my ult. weakness ok. like for real.

“should we buy some carrots? or would you prefer corn?”

“i would eat anything you cook, my love.” i say with a huge smile on my face.

“all right, but don’t you regret saying that tae.” he would choose every veg i dislike and i cant even say anything about it :’)

anyhow,, museum dates will be a thing. i love going to museums even if i can’t understand art well lmao. i just love appreciating art in general.

shrine dates will definitely be a regular thing. i love shrines a lot and japan have tons of them so,, watch me visit every single one of them possible haha !!

and tbh,, most of our dates will definitely end with a scroll in the park because i just love to bask in the evening atmosphere of people watching.

there will always be a layer of silence in our relationship. a layer that’s not only comfortable, but have a sense of ease in our affection for each other??

i’m not sure if i can explain it, for i just believe we are the type of couple that can connect emotionally ??

i would have my head on his shoulder, playing with his fingers absentmindedly while he just watch the scenery or people. it’ll be quiet for a long while before i slipped a chuckle or a sigh of content. and he’d just wait patiently if there’s something i would like to say. and i’d say some words of love if i do want to, if not we’d just be stay silent, our heart beating a calm rhythm, till it’s time to head home.

something like: “thank you for giving me a reason to explain why i love rice so much.”

HAHAHAHH if you think i was gonna write something sentimental or sappy,, nah man. but frfr, i love rice so much everyone calls me a 饭桶 in my family. which means rice bucket (ㆀ˘･з･˘)

[sollea]

Kingdom Hearts Mermaids AU Characters: Lea, Isa, Sora, Riku Relationship: LeaIsa, (non-mentioned) SoRiKai Word Count: 1583

Note: I’m gonna be doing more of this AU, keep an eye out. I have a lot planned. Lea + Isa picture here. Other mermaid information here. I’m reposting to try to get this into the search because for some reason the first try wasn’t.

“Hey, Isa, you remember that time I almost killed you?”

“You’re going to have to be more specific than that, Lea. You do that regularly.”

Lea rolled his eyes and swam up and above Isa, reaching down and dangling his arms in front of his best friend as they swam together. He silently recalled when he had to be more careful around Isa, glad for that time being over. “Nah, you know what I mean. I’ve never actually almost killed you.”

“Didn’t you just ask about the time you did?”

“Yeah, yeah. I know.”

“I need you to think for a second, just a second. Why would I forget one of the most painful experiences I’ve ever had?” Isa paused his swimming and let Lea circle back so he could still be talking to Isa while looking down from above.

“I was kinda hoping you’d still be unwilling to say it like that, but you’re right. I was just thinking about how glad I am that I can touch you now.”

Isa reached up to prick his finger against one of Lea’s spines, it barely felt like anything after years of getting used to it.“It’s been ages, aren’t you used to being able to touch me without being incredibly careful by now?”

“Doesn’t mean it doesn’t make me happy.”

Isa laughed and looked up at Lea, reaching up and cupping his face to make sure they locked eyes. He couldn’t deny Lea being so outwardly sentimental was something he loved about him. “What was your point, Lea? Did you have one or did you just want to be a dork?”

Lea moved his hand over Isa’s and smiled. “I’m just thinking about it. I was really scared you weren’t going to be my friend anymore because of that and here we are, you’re in love with me and-”

“Don’t know who said that.”

“And I love you.”

“As you should.”

“You refused to let me know you were hurting that bad, you were really strong. You’re always so strong. I just love you.”

“Sappy. Is something going on?”

“No. I really was just thinking about how nice it is to not have that happen anymore. No poisoning my friend with hugs. Now I just bother my boyfriend by being clingy.”

“Sounds like you’ve had a couple changes, then. Why are we just talking about the almost killing me part of the story?”

“Because I’m trying to get to a point.”

“You said you didn’t have one.”

“Ugh! Just stop making fun of me for two seconds. You’re obnoxious.”

“Oh? Am I really the obnoxious one?”

“Yes! Why do I even like you?”

“I’m told you’re in love.”

“Wish I wasn’t in love with someone so mean to me.”

“I’m not mean to you. I could be. Do you want me to be mean to you?”

“No. Isa.”

“Then you know I’m being as nice as I can be?”

“Isa, can you just shut up and let me talk?”

“Hah, you think I’m able to keep you from talking? You?”

“Alright, shut up.”

“Really rude to keep saying that.” Moving up in the water to press his lips to Lea’s for a moment, Isa laughed. “You like hearing me talk. You enjoy my voice.”

“If you’d let me get to my point, Isa.” He left emphasis on the second syllable as he waited to be interrupted. When there was no interruption, he sighed. “I’ve been thinking about that because of how many things we still do come from not being able to touch you. When you kiss me outside of saying hey, it makes me remember watching Aeleus help you into the castle when I hugged you. Y’know, that should’ve had you paralyzed?”

“Yes, I’m aware. Are we really going over some backstory? Can’t we just continue this swim, head up to the beach, and relax there while it’s empty?”

“Am I not allowed to talk to my best friend anymore?”

“You are, but your boyfriend is getting impatient.”

“Then tell him to stop being an asshole.”

“He’s not about to listen, he’s just as stubborn as you are. Now, seriously, come on. There’s nothing we can’t talk about while relaxing somewhere even just a little safer than open ocean between islands.”

“Fine.”

“And I bet you don’t remember what your point was anyways.”

“I just told you what it was.”

“Oh? Was that it?”

“I hate you.”

Isa laughed and rolled his eyes, deciding to let that empty statement stand, returning to the other part of what he’d been saying. “We wouldn’t be between islands if you just remembered where we were going.”

“You could’ve told me I was swimming the wrong way.”

“You’re almost always ahead of me. It’s your fault for going so far so fast.”

“You could’ve noticed.”

“Excuse me for trusting the one who decided to take the lead.”

“You weren’t even trusting me, I know you better than that.”

“Fine, I was laughing at you for going the wrong way, but we didn’t run into any humans with nets, so it’s fine.”

“If that’s your metric, then, yeah, I guess. You sure you’re going to be fine doing your job when we get back?”

“If I’m too tired for the day, the world won’t fall apart if I don’t go in.”

“But you will.”

“Yes, I will. Of course I will. You will too.”

“Nah, I’m gonna skip out. Be irresponsible and sleep all day. Place won’t fall apart without me.”

Isa rolled his eyes and wrapped his hands around Lea’s wrists carefully, webbing between his fingers getting in the way of a full and comfortable grasp. He wasn’t going to say it aloud, but he really did want to just sit on the beach with Lea and look up at the moon until they were too dry to stay on land. “Lea, start moving, I want to get home eventually, but the moon is full tonight.”

“You’re the one who stopped?”

Isa didn’t respond to Lea and instead opted to swimming forward with a small tug of Lea’s arms before letting go to continue swimming. He could be much faster when he wanted to be, a tuna tail was much better suited to going quickly than anyone who had only met Isa alone would be led to believe. Lea had to fight to keep up with Isa.

“Hey, Isa, slow down.”

“You can keep up, I believe in you.”

“Why am I dating you?”

“Why am I dating someone so slow?”

“Ugh! Fine. I don’t want to race, though, so slow down a little bit?”

Isa fell back, swimming at Lea’s pace and bumping their hips together. Lea still had the tendency to be careful around other people, despite Isa being all but completely immune to his sting because of the constant exposure. Isa had no such care. Lea responded to the bump by wrapping his tail around Isa’s, taking a position most used for comfortable relaxing while not moving.

“You really don’t want to let me see the moon above the water tonight, do you?”

“We’re still moving. You know how to pull me around, I know you do.”

“You’re lucky your tail isn’t as short as your dad’s is.”

“And you’re not. Pull me along.”

“Don’t be lazy.”

“Too late. I’m comfortable. And I know you can do this for a significantly longer time.”

Isa just sighed, shaking his head at Lea’s dorky actions. He loved Lea a great deal, but sometimes it was difficult… this was not one of those times, Isa found, as he glanced back to look at Lea’s smirk.

They didn’t have that far to go, so the rest of their swim was in silence. They pulled themselves onto the deserted beach carefully and hacked the water up out of their lungs.

As soon as they were comfortably on the beach and breathing air, Lea flopped backwards into the sand and groaned. “I will never be used to that.”

“What?”

“Having to cough up that much water.”

“You’ll never get used to anything different than your first two years alive, will you?”

“Oh, shut up. You wanted to lay here and talk and look at the moon, so lay down with me.”

Isa rolled his eyes and laid down next to Lea, holding his arm out so he could be leaned against if Lea decided he wanted to. And of course Lea wanted to.

Just as Lea got comfortable, there was a sound of footsteps that was just too close for comfort. Lea moved away and began to slide back into the water and Isa followed behind him.

They got into the water just as a pair of human children locked eyes with them.

“Wait, no, don’t go!” One of the children called out to the mermaids, reaching his hand out only to have the other grab him and hold him back.

“Sora, leave them alone. Kairi didn’t want to be seen either.”

“Yeah, but… We’re friendly.”

The mermaids stared at the gently arguing children in confusion, slowly backing up in the water so they could have a good distance between them. Where had they picked up this human language?

Suddenly, Lea realized the humans had said a name.

“...Did you say Kairi?” Lea was too curious to continue the act of self preservation Isa was still anxious to do, but not without Lea. He knew that and he could see Isa ready to bolt, but he needed to know.

[sicklylittlesnowflake]

•You never really go to parties and are always really uptight and we made fun of you for it/expressed frustration at this so you forced yourself to go to this party and shit you’re so sick and you won’t go home because we made you feel bad I’m so sorry how can I make it up to you?? (Keith is not a fan of parties but his friends eventually pester him into going to one despite being sick as a dog.)

(I started this fic with the intention of having it for whumpmas, so if that is not a testament to how slow I am as a writer, idk what is! Also, btw this is weird but I love when sicknarios I write get back to me, lol! And I did write this scenario with Keith and E from les mis in mind, so this is a great prompt! This is college au, btw, I find it kinda difficult to write alien parties lmao!)

Parties are the perfect culmination of everything Keith hates in life.

Bright, strobe, head ache inducing lights with a wide variety of flashing, psychedelic colours, ear piercingly loud music with a tremendous beat that makes his heart thump and thump and feel way too overwhelmed, warm, sticky bodies way too close too each other and making him feel suffocated, too much people, having fun and feeling free when Keith can only feel more trapped.

Too much people.

Too much.

Keith has spent so much time in solitude, in simplicity. And being thrust into a situation where there is too much all at once is alien to him, and he can’t help the rapid beating and thumping of his wild heart when he looks around for some sort of serenity.

Keith feels trapped in this room, the overwhelming humidity and heaviness of this air weighing down on him and compressing his lungs so he can’t breathe.  He hates watching all these people exhilarated, vibrant, alive. When he can only feel more lifeless by the second.

He feels like an alien like this. Like he isn’t part of this world. Keith doesn’t even feel like here’s here. He can’t even feel his body, he doesn’t feel like he’s connected to it, and he’s floating away. Looking down.  And he hates what he sees.

All Keith can feel is the pounding and raging headache that seems to pierce into his skull and the pain is only worsened by the tremors of the pulsating waves of sound from the obnoxiously large speakers that litter the place.

He didn’t even want to be here; Shiro had told him this would be good, that college was great, and he needed to start living that college life. Shiro said he needed to be more sociable, because he would make the best friends of his life here. Pidge would tease him , and so would Lance. And Hunk encouraged him kindly, and Keith did not have any energy to fight them. So he went. And he could not have regretted a decision more than this very moment.

Keith stumbles around the night club like he’s drunk, and he doesn’t have one single drop of alcohol in his body. If he can be drunk on a fever, he definitely is. Due to his feverish haze he’s lost Shiro and Pidge, and his only hope is finding Lance and Hunk who are probably the life and soul of the party.

In this haze he hasn’t even realised the tickle blossoming within his sinuses and before he knows it he’s doubling over with one loud, powerful sneeze that grates against his throat with no time to cover, and just aim towards the floor. He gets a slightly irritated look from some person, and honestly, he doesn’t even mind. Keith feels awful being this germ incubator in this tightly knit space. This cold is horrendous, and he’s probably just passed it on to a good three people and he feels terrible.

Keith stumbles and wobbles around the night club dizzily, the technicolor lights seeming like an acid trip he did not consent to, and it seems to be sending waves of messages to his brain to hurt and throb. He feels a tad bit of anger and bitterness towards Shiro, Allura and Pidge, and maybe a little bit towards Lance and Hunk, but in fairness to them, they hadn’t pushed him to go this particular evening, but they had in the past.

“You need to enjoy your college experience, Keith! Get out of your room for once, embrace your youth!” Shiro had told him, in a way that was so middle aged dad he wanted to tear his hair out but so perfectly Shiro he couldn’t help but be persuaded into it.

“Don’t be such a stick in the mud, Keith,” Pidge had whined.

“It’ll be so much fun, Keith! Plus, I heard that Lance is wearing a pretty cute outfit tonight,” Allura had teased, causing him to scowl knowing she had played with his heart and manipulated him with the promise of his crush looking cute.

And Keith couldn’t even find Lance, so there was about zero reason for him even being here.

As Keith continues to feverishly navigate around the crowded night club, pushing past bare, sticky skin and profusely overheating, he is suddenly tapped on the shoulder.

“Hey, will you kiss my friend?” A girl slurs, an arm sluggishly wrapped around her equally as wasted friend, giggling to her heart’s content.

Keith opens his mouth to politely refuse, but before he’s even aware his nose is itching horribly and Keith is doubling over with one loud, almost obnoxiously, heavy and sickly sounding sneeze he doesn’t cover.

The girls take a step back, giggling and backing away from him and fading away worth the crowd.

“Too bad, he was pretty cute though, just gross,” He hears one of them say before they disappeared entirely.

Keith sighs sadly, the girl was pretty, and he didn’t swing that way but he still felt kinda bad for being so gross. But his guilt doesn’t last long before he’s back to pitying himself and reembarking on his quest to find Lance.

He doesn’t even know why he’s so keen on finding the guy, he doesn’t really know what he’s expecting and maybe it’s his fever talking, but he’s not leaving this damn club without seeing his cute as fuck crush who is the reason he’s in this hellhole to begin with.

And it’s almost like a fairytale but it’s the sound of a beautiful melody, like a mesmerising serenade that captivates him him and lulls him over to the source.

He knows that voice anywhere.

He would know Lance’s melodic, tenor voice anywhere, it’s sweet and enthralling and it makes him feel all warm inside. Everything the little shit does makes him feel that way, but Lance’s voice is a siren’s song calling him and putting him on this spell and he’s forever his.

His voice has taken on an edge, a kind of rock and roll gruff to it that he finds insanely hot–maybe the fever adds to it though, he doesn’t know–and it’s sure tell sign that Lance is drunk.

“I guess I got what I deserved, kept you waiting there too long, my love. All that time without a word, didn’t know you’d think that I’d forget, or I’d regret, the special love, I have for you, my baby blue!” Lance sings, people dancing and bopping and head banging to his song.

Keith  manages to get a glimpse of Hunk who was jamming it out on the drums, and then he saw what he was looking for.

“Fuck,” Keith breathes out, “Allura was right.”

He did look pretty great.

He had his hair tousled and ruffled in a way that made him look so irresistible and adorable and these strobing lights that he hated served one purpose, and that was making his skin glow and his eyes twinkle and pop. His blue t-shirt hugged his body and his jeans were flattering and he looked so great. Keith wanted to faint.

Partly because of how attractive he looked, but also because he was now super light headed.

Lance looks beautiful and radiant, flashing a random girl watching one of those charming, flirty smiles that makes Keith jealous every time he does. He understands Lance isn’t his, but god he wished he was.

Keith shakes his head angrily, he’s never  his sentimental or sappy over Lance, maybe he really is that sick.

Then Lance looks over and they lock gazes, and this stupid lazy grin wipes across the boy’s face and any jealousy or bitterness or illness Keith is feeling seems to disappear when he does.

However Lance seems to realise his current state because his face drops. He quickly passes the mic to the random guy who’s playing the guitar and rushes over to Keith, albeit in a zig zagged direction as he seems to be tripping over his own feet.

“Keith?” Lance greets worriedly, only he can still remain appealing despite reeking of alcohol.

“Hey Lancey-Lance,” Keith slurs feverishly, before his nose twitches and he’s doubling over and aiming two harsh sneezes towards the floor.

“Lancey-Lan–god, you look awful! And Jesus, for you to be calling me that you must be running a–” Lance cut himself off and placed the back of his hand against Keith’s forehead and frowned.

“Dammit, Keith! That’s not good, we gotta get you,” Lance hiccups, “–home!”

“Why did you come, anyway, while you were this sick?” Lance frets, hiccuping again.

“M'not a stick in the mud,” Keith mutters feverishly, leaning into Lance’s side and nuzzling his face against his chest in exhaustion.

He pulls Keith into his embrace and kissed the top of his head, eyebrows furrowing in confusion, “What? What are you–oh.”

Lance’s heart sinks, “Keith. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for teasing you, I didn’t mean to hurt you at all, I just..I wanted you to be with us. When you’re not here..I miss you.”

Keith shakes his head, “Not you.. you didn’t make me come tonight.”

Lance bites his lip, “Still. I contributed to make you feel like you were uptight and boring when you are nothing but exciting and lovely. I’m sorry Keith, please, let me make it up to you.”

Keith cant help but crack a weak smile, “I didn’t know you were an emotional drunk. I’m glad I came here tonight, now I can blackmail you.”

Lance can’t help but laugh a little, “But we’re taking you home right now.”

Keith sneezes loudly into Lance’s chest, muttering, “Sorry.”

Lance smiles softly, tapping him on the nose, “Alright, Mullet. Enough, we’re going home.”

“But they’re having so much fun..look at Hunk..he’s jamming out..” Keith points over to Hunk.

“And you..need to keep singing..” He insists tiredly.

“No way, you’re too sick!” Lance protest as he began to walk Keith out, simultaneously pulling out his phone to order an uber.

Once they arrive outside Keith let out a sigh of relief to feel the fresh air, basking in all the space and the soft lighting. His head seemed to ease up a little bit.

However the cold quickly began to seep in, causing him to shiver violently. Lance pulls off the jacket he had tied around the waist and helped Keith out it on. He then pulls the boy into a hug to share his warmth.

“Thank you,” Keith manages to choke out before erupting into a series of harsh, heavy coughs.

Lance could only smile weakly, obviously feeling guilty but pushed it aside to wave over to the Uber driver and guided Keith in.

***

Lance hauls Keith onto his bed, with him muttering about taking out the aspirin because they’ll both need it the next day, and heads straight towards the bathroom to collect a damp towel for him. Once he returned he laid the cloth gently over his forehead and pulled a chair over, sitting beside him.

“Shiro called. He was wondering where we were, I told him you were sick and he feels awful. They all do. Pidge says Korean takeaway is on her tomorrow, if you’re up for it,” Lance explains softly.

“You’re not a stick in the mud, Keith. Okay? You’re not boring. You’re not any of these things we made you feel and I’m so sorry we ever did. You’re sweet and kind and such a great friend and– I’m so sorry, Keith, we should’ve understood. I love parties but there are days where I just don’t even want to get out of bed, I should’ve understood, showed you some compassion. I should’ve..”

“Lance, stop.”

He looks over Keith, feeling guilt and feeling responsible for Keith being this sick. He feels awful, he had made yet another mistake. He feels so stupid for being unable to read in between the lines, his jokes going too far and he hadn’t even noticed it. He just wanted  Keith to be with him, to be happy. And he had to go and fuck it up.

“You’re really good at hiding how you feel, Lance, but you can’t hide it from me, stop feeling so guilty,” Keith croaks.

“I can’t help it, I was hurting you and I didn’t know,” Lance murmurs.

Keith coughs harshly, feeling his chest rattle from the force of it, “I’ve felt worse pain.”

“That doesn’t make it okay.”

Keith smiles softly, “But you didn’t mean to hurt me. I know you never would try and hurt me. ..you said..you missed me when I’m not there. Yeah, I was hurt, but now I feel wanted.”

Lance manages a smile, “Always. You’re always wanted.”

“I hope you know that.”

“I know now,” He slurs feverishly.

Keith coughs again, and when he finishes he looks over at Lance with bleary, glazed eyes, and giggles, “You looked very hot tonight.”

Lance blushes hard, his eyes widening, “U-uh..n-no, you’re the feverish one, you’re hot.”

Keith scoffs before yet again coughing, “Don’t play dumb, you’re smarter than you give yourself credit for. You know what I meant.”

Lance shakes a little, so unused to being the one flirted with rather than the one initiating it, Keith did this thing where he shook his entire world and turned it upside down and he’d lose control.

“You’re not..you’re..you’re..uh..pretty. Uh, pretty cool. Pretty handsome. Whatever,” Lance blurts , extremely flustered.

Keith grabs at his hand with the sweetest look in his eyes, “Sing for me, please. It makes everything feel okay again.”

Lance swallows as his hand was grabbed, but he let himself relax into his touch and let it happen. He smiles.

“I’ve got no use for moonlight, or sappy poetry. Love at first sight is for suckers, at least it used to be. Look, girls are nice, once or twice, til’ I find someone new..but I never planned on no one like you.”

[mrcscnt]

it is officially 2018 as i write this post. January 1st, 2018, 1:34am.

i was super emotional this morning, perhaps due to the whole idea of “new years eve” and probably also in part to the time i’ve spent with my best friend recently.

my emotions died down throughout the day, so my sentimental sappiness wasnt really present as the clock struck 12, not as it is usually is at least.

but i know that there’s a ton to look back on this year and i know that i need to review it all for myself because i’m trying and i think i owe it to myself to do this.

//

i looked back at my posts from new years past. 

i’ve been on tumblr for 7 years once the end of january comes.  it’s kinda surreal to look back at my thoughts over time.

there was a time when i was in high school and things were rough, but there was still so much hope in me; a short of child-like innocence.

by the end of my senior year and into my first year of college(2013), i was still kinda that same person. i was still so soft, still so fragile. attempting to come to terms with the lost friendships from high school.  recognizing that there were good and bad times throughout the year. and trying to have hope for better days to come.

but then sophomore year of college happened.  and, i always joke about this in real life with my friends but, honestly sophomore year broke me. reading posts from the time i spent in sophomore year....i almost cried for past me because i was so, so broken. i was so sad and so lost and so scared, and i lost so much and didnt have things to turn to.

i was alone and i cried most days and i was just so completely broken that thinking about it now makes me wish i could go back in time and hug sophomore year me and tell her that she’s enough and that she deserves love and care and everything because seriously, i was so, so broken. i was so angry and bitter and frustrated and scared and lonely and just so sad.

reading those posts broke my heart.

and from then on....i lost a piece of myself. my heart grew a little colder as sadness made its permanent home. anger and frustration were close friends and hope was a far off dream. 

as i took my leave of absence from school and ventured off to boston, things only got more chaotic. i pretended like i was fine and did what i needed to do but i was breaking so hard and, while sadness always had a home in my heart, anxiety took full control and i could barely breathe. i continued to lose myself and find myself lost and angry and scared and i didnt know what to do but go along with everything i was told.

and then, i went home.  after 3 months of an intensive web development boot camp and about 2 months of trying to get some sort of job, i ended up going back home because i couldnt do it. 

and several months later, i started therapy. in 2016, i was finally (officially) diagnosed with depression and social/generalized anxiety. and surprising ADD as well. so the entire year was exhausting as i tried to come to terms with the reality of it all and trying to figure out how to actually work through things while also trying to get my life in order. i had to get over the ridiculous amount of anxiety i had of driving to commute to school. i had to force myself to schedule appointments and make phone calls. i had to remind myself to take medication and to actually eat throughout the day. i had to try. i had to try so hard. 

and through all of that, i had to deal with my mom being aware of what was going on (in the most general sense because how could i ever describe it enough for her to even remotely understand) and i had to deal with her doubts and her persistence that all i need was to “get out there” and to “meet new people” as if my heart wasnt heavy and my body knew how to get up in the morning. 

i was told that i should stop taking medication because it’ll make me worse when i was so, so confused and lost and scared. i tried medication because i needed to. i needed to. because everything was killing me and i was so broken and i just wanted to feel even remotely better so i tried it in hopes that it could work and it’s never such an easy fix but her doubts encouraged my own doubts and all i ever really wanted (all i ever really needed) was for someone to tell me that i was doing well and that they were proud of me and that i would be okay.

all i ever wanted was support and encouragement. 

so now 2017 has come and gone and by the end of February it’s going to be 2 years since i started therapy. 2 years. it’s insane to think about.

i think.... i think i’ve been able to come to terms (at least a little) with everything.  or at least, i’m learning to be okay with it, and i’m trying to remember that being vulnerable is okay and that talking about things is okay.

so i’ve been a bit more vocal about the basics of my situation, and i can (kinda) talk about having depression/anxiety/add (or at least, make little jokes about it) and i dont entirely hide what i go through (though i dont entirely share everything either).

but i have friends who know that i go to therapy and take medication and am diagnosed with depression and anxiety and add.  and i’m still pretty bad at actually talking about my feelings 

and i’ve still felt so sad and so scared and i cant remember the last time i wasnt exhausted. 

but i am aware of how much i’ve grown. i’m aware of all that i’ve done. i know i should be proud or something but i’m mostly just tired.

but i spent time with my best friend recently and i will never have enough words to express how grateful i am that she tells me that she’s proud of me and that she can see how much i’ve grown and that i’ve been working really hard. and i’ve always known i needed those words, but i never knew how much they’d help.

because as i ended the year, my heart feels a little lighter and i’ve felt that spark of hope that i’ve missed (for years) and i think maybe i can do this.

i want to do this.

i miss the child who loved the snow and smiled at the sky as the snowflakes fell the child who adored christmas and whose heart felt warm watching houses light up at night with fanciful decorations. the child who loved so much and wanted absolutely nothing but the very best for friends.

the child who still knew how to hope and believed in better days.

i want to be happy.

i hope i get there one day. i hope i can be proud of myself one day. i hope i can tell myself that i’ve done well one day.

i hope, i hope, i hope.

[needl]

I think I am more calm now after writing that piece of shit work I just did

But also because I remembered someone.

I can’t give you a cliche story of how someone made my life so happy and now I’m a new person, and every time I think of her I am a happy bubble.

Because she did change my life. She did change my view on life. But she was no prince charming.

She said she loved me so much. And I loved her so purely. And this was the first time. I had never loved to this extend in this way, in a romantic type.You get the mother flippin idea.

So I’m in the worst place of my life. I had no friends, no family connection, no menthal help, no hobbies, no role models, no aspirations, no will to live. In a sense I only had her. And then she left me.

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO STOP, dont be mad at her. Not even I was mad at her.Dud, if I was in the same cituation, I woud have left too. I was far away, no promise on coming back. She had friends, she had potential new partners, she had a great school. Man if she had been the one to leave to MExico I wouldve been like ok nice.

The thing was, she just dropped it. She just randomly said “I dont know if I want to be with you” or something like that. She didnt even say it directly to me, she posted in on some social media idk. But when I asked about it she was giving up on me on such point that I left school, ditched a class for the first time, and cried all the way home. Not a single step I was not crying. I did not look at a single person in the eyes. And when I got home I screamed so loud, I don’t even know how no one called the cops on me. 

I felt like the only hope in my life had been thorn apart. I kid you not, I told her she had taken away the only reason for me to wake up in the morning. I was so sad, I didnt even eat. My mom was telling me to eat a banana, and as hard as i tried to bite it I had to spit it out because I was so sad. 

I remember just dropping my self on the ground. Not even trying to put my hands on the ground first to reduce the impact. I fell, hit my knees so bad, hit my chest on the ground, head against the couch. None of that even hurt in the slightest. I’m not exagerating, I remember falling full impact and not feeling the slightest bit of physical pain. 

I cant remember if I self harmed, not as in cutting. I’m sure I used otherways to punish my self for my existance, but I am not sure that slit my wrists. Maybe I didt, I dont remember moving much at all. I just layed there and I was a sad veggeabe. I dont understand how can someone be so sad.

The thing is that she apologized for it later. e made up, we had a thousand more sappy “I love you”s and promises that we would be together forever and that one day we would eventually go to a state where our marriage would be legal and get married (because gay marriage was not legal when we were together). And you know what, I wish she had just left me there. I wish she never apologized. I wish she had left instead of doing some awful things she later did, I wish that toxic relationship had stopped earlier. I ish I had a way to battle that depression on time. It was bad but it didnt even stop there.

Anyways, I dont know why writting this made me feel better. Maybe I just got distracted by thinking of a worse case scenario that I am now. Maybe I can comfort my self in the fact that I have already been through the worst. No, I actually do not even know.

IT GETS IMPORTANT HEREºººººººº

Ok nice, I love me, shout out to self, I just realized why this gave me so much comfort.

Paola, listen to me, I dont know when youre going to read this again. I hope youre in a good place, I hope life is doing you good like you deserve it to be.  (Fuck, Im crying again, but thats because sentimentalness). i HOPE THAT YOU ARE HAPPY, NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE WITH, I HOPE YOURE HAPPY EVEN IF YOU ARE BY YOUR SELF, I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY IF YOURE CRUSHING ONE SOMEONE. I really do wish you’re happy. But listen to me, you may think ou’re soooooo mature and you know everyting, such phylosophy wow. Lower your mother fucking epectations. Even if you think nothing can go even worse, lower your expectations, start NOW that youre in a good place, start when things are going well.Remember that it is so unlikely that they will text you first, it is so unlikely that they will apologyze ithout your sappy sob story and running to them first. Paola, listen hun,  I am not saying you are not worth all the love someone gn give you, because you’re worth even more than that. But you are NOT going to have it. You are going to be DISAPOINTED. You will be heart broken by those who promised forever.People in the same timezones have different senses of time and people of the same native language will communicate in diffrent speeches.And you know what is even worst than a person who loves you hurting you? A person who you love, being complete pieces of ass to you adn you still loving them.

Just because you love them, does not mean that they love you, and even if they do, they will still hurt you, they will hurt you when it is the worst timing. They will hurt you when your grades are low. They will hurt you when you have no friends. They will hurt you when not even your family is there fr you. They will hurt you when they are your only reason to wake up in the morning.