#and i am fr. no matter how much i bitch on here i AM grateful

[sodrippy]

this + opening linkedin for the first time in weeks to see my feed pure flooded w cunts saying how theyre starting new jobs + studios all hiring right now but NOT hiring me + cant drink/go out/do anything to distract myself + + + why dont i just kms atp

[selinakidreams]

Ship your moots!!!

👁y’all done it now, I was WAITING for this one OO I’m gonna spoil my moots SO bad ! I love you guys 👁

this is gonna be long I’m so sorry

@keishinslove - carter,,,, I love you and I love you w me mister keishin ukai- NOT just because that’s your ✨mans✨ but because I fuckin see it with my eyes. mister man is out here smoking a cig while he waits for you to get off of work. everyone is out here looking at him like “who dat b he’s sexy” and then you walk out and he drops the smoke on the floor, steps on it, and smiles as you make eye contact. You smile too, finally allowing exhaustion take over as you slump in the welcoming hug he pulls you into. He’s like, “I know baby, let’s go home and I can make us some ramen and tea.” The rest of the night is full of terribly sung songs, heavy MAKEOUT sessions (maybe more) and feathered touches along your skin. He’ll take good care of you (in every means) and that’s all I want for you <3

@alto-march-of-death al I ship you with tsukki- now let me tell you why. I see you with someone who’s very reserved with who they show their emotions to,, now because you deal with youngsters,,,,,,,,, that’s a lot of energy put towards you all at once. Tall blond dino dude will be there for you but in ways that make you feel special and the lack of energy he shows is almost calming to you. like like I just see on a day where zoom has been a bit too much and parents were DUMb- you slink over to your couch- after class is over- to find tsukki there, watching animal planet, and bam you plop down and curl up in his side- no words needed. His eyes don’t leave the screen but a long fingered hand lands on your thigh, his thumb doing that thing that makes butterflies flutter in your rib cage. It’s peaceful. Nice.

@kmorgzz ENERGY. POSITIVITY. COMPASSION. All things you and hinata share <3 OOOOOO KAR YOURE ALWAYS THE SWEETEST AND LET ME TELL YOU !!!! YOU DESERVE THAT SAME SWEETNESS. sorry I’m yelling but hear me out !!! You guys are always doing SOMETHING. he’s restless and you take on the energy he gives off. You guys tend to do stuff that you wanna do because whatever you want, he wants !! Normally, it’s outside (cause he’s the sun and he makes you feel like you’re on cloud nine !!) ; could be walks that lead into picnics or something super sweet!! Always wants to make sure you’re smiling !!!!!! ALWAYS. oh also he’s such a big himbo that he just—— yk what I’m gonna shut my trap just,, oh MAN he just loves you SO much and will never run out of ways to show you

@introloves Jax... FR fr I ship you and bokuto SO hard. like this man is and deserves sunshine— that is exactly what you are. TWO SUNSHINE BEINGS. I just SEE it. wholly. he’s just so open to everything and anything !!! Sometimes a bit.. daft... but you definitely talk him through things and he heavily appreciates that & everything you do for him. you know what,, y’all would soak in lavender baths together. Your back against his front, your eyes closed and body relaxed in the warm water; the sent of lavender following the steam that rises from the bath. He likes to play with your soft hair and whisper about how much he loves you and how you are one of the best people in his life. How did he ever get so lucky?

@novvabeam jackieeee,,, miss ma’am.. I ship you with daichi. lemme explain. This man is like a horse- not many can ride him but for those who do, it’s a lifelong partnership. Dude is so !! Into you it’s CRAZY. He is obsessed with how soft and kind you are one minute, and the next his head is spinning by how powerful and strong you can be. Mad respect™️. First date (idea suggested by you) was at this really cute local ice cream shop where you two bonded over how absolutely different your flavors were. I see it.

@pinkoushi ellen + Suga; clear as day. soft cuddles and every day fikas. very chaotic neutral energy but constant attention and praise is given. (Me trying not to make something based off my memories in Sweden but is gonna do it anyways) like I could see him being so excited to move to Sweden for the education system lowkey- but before he started the school year, you just wanted to take him around the country and visit all the “popular places” before settling down. Lots and lots of train rides. you would be sitting across from each other- you’re semi asleep, head pressed against the window and he’s just watching as the fleeting golden light hits you, making you all glowy. he feels so warm, so content.

@chaotickatts katts ;) I hear sakusa is calling your name. loud and clear. man puts up with NO bullshit and neither do you. Your communication skills are off the charts; calm cool, collected- that’s you two. But I also think that you add a lot more fun in his life- like he loves every second with you- he shows that he appreciates it in your guys’ shared love language, more often than not. And he adds this grounding element to your relationship that makes you feel capable of anything- and you make sure to tell him every day. I hc that people call you the parents of the group. Your guys’ bathroom is very clean, well organized, and used quite often. he loves seeing you in his jersey when you’re brushing your teeth, on your way to heading to bed, makes him feel all fuzzy,, a feeling that was quite foreign to him until you came along.

@spikesbimbo valentine... is that even a question- Aran. duh. Pretty lady, both of you are CRAZY for each other except he shows you in little ways (in public) that make your heart spin. You know those pictures of Vanessa hudgens and Austin butler?? the one where she’s twirling around and he’s just smiling? that’s the vibe I get in the relationship; you’re fun, loud, and outwardly fun while he’s just happy to be in your presence!! you make him laugh... a lot. It’s really refreshing to most of his friends. You and you’re cute goofy ass are just so important to him. I see it now- you guys are shopping at an outdoor mall, drinks in your hand and he’s carrying most of your guys’ purchases in one hand while the other is being swung by you. You’ve got big doe eyes as you look at every store, until you turn around, and flash him the biggest smile. “Want some? I’m almost out!” You’d say as you thrust him the drink. He’ll smile, a flash of pearly whites greeted you as he nodded and said a small “yeah,” before wrapping his lips around the straw.

@hajimeshon-ee menace, baby. it’s obviously gonna be iwa for you. big beefy to help you fight people who are being assholes. those same beefy arms that pull you in from behind- your back against his front. LOTS OF FUCKING FOREHEAD KISSES. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOURE POUTING TO HIM. sorry I don’t make the rules. He honestly thinks you’re the cutest thing, your fire matches his and sometimes actually stumps him to where he has no retorts. He likes to help you with your work sometimes, like when he sees it’s a bit too overwhelming for you, he’ll wordlessly sit down and take some of the papers that have been scattered across the table. Later you take the time to show him how grateful you are, wether it’s through a night where he gets to choose what both of you will watch or.. other things... he’ll appreciate every single second.

@kuroosusagichan meeeellll <3 business man kuroo is summoning you on his lap, he can’t focus unless you’re with him!! Oh GOD the dynamic Between you two makes me lightheaded!! Okay so idk is this is obvious but like dude has a size kink- not just sexually though. It’s like a cute AND sexy thing for him. Dude just loves how tiny and soft you are. But don’t get it twisted, he’s not completely fooled by your innocent act- you’re a clever little minx sometimes, but most of the time youre just the sweetest person. You’re like the angel that holds him back from being an asshole. He likes himself better when you’re around. Oh but he’ll also call you chibi-chan. Period. OH YEA! loves it when you show up to his place of work- no matter how swamped he is, he’ll always make time for his little sweetheart. You like to visit when you saw he was visibly stressed in the mornings, you bring him little things taht make him smile like his favorite iced tea or your a sweet lil cookie. He’ll make you stay with him for the rest of the day, doing your own separate things but also being in each other’s company relaxes the both of you.

@scorpiomoonslutt hey bitch, you needy lil whore <3 it’s gotta be Ushijima for me. Your size kink is just.................... thrown in his face and my god he’s living. You make him realize things he didn’t even think were possible- but anything is possible with you, apparently. The way his eyes go WIDE when he hears you SNAP at people. He had no idea that someone so small.. could shut someone up that fast... especially when it’s someone almost twice her size. He actually doesn’t even know how to react when the other person leaves, there’s wayyyy too many things going on in his head. He’s proud, impressed, turned on, curious, but most of all- speechless. He kinda... wants to see you do that again.

@dymphnasprose dymphna !! kyoutani!!! It just makes sense!! big angri boy needs parts on the head from a saint, such as yourself. He knows you’re not looking to fix him- which is why he allowed himself to open up to you. You love him just the way he is and it almost drove him a lil nuts. I could see the breaking point now- just before you two would get together. He would be yelling at you, screaming things like “how could you possibly like me ?” At first he wouldn’t let you get close to him but after several steps that never budged when he neared you, he gradually let you touch his heated skin. He was breathing heavy, trying to put together how someone so wonderful could be interested in someone who was so angry. I just feel that you would cup his face and whisper, “I like you because you’re you- it doesn’t matter who I am in comparison to you. I like you, taro.” There would be no need for gushy details, that alone opened a small part of his heart to love- throughout the years, the opening continued to grow and grow. He would be someone who just!! Loves you!!! And hates the rest of the world <3 idk I just love it jdbsjnd

[bellexmort-a]

BELLEXMORT / BLOODYXBEAST’S FOLLOW FOREVER

so lately, i’ve been dealing with some stuff and i really just want to shout out some very important people in my / lydia’s / cam’s lives for being absolutely babes and being not only wonderful rp partners, but wonderfully spectacular humans. i’m grateful for ya’ll.

the first wives’ club:

@mieczlw​ : lea. you already know how important you are to me. almost ten years later and here we are. where’s the time go? when did we get so old, bitch? i can’t believe it’s already been 5 years since i’ve seen your face in person and i hate that for us. but anYWAY. you’re such a lovely person. inside and out. you keep on bein’ my friend and i really just don’t know what i did to deserve you in my life. despite me running away, you always keep me coming back to you. your stiles, love of lydia’s life just....perfection and excellence. but like mother like son....i guess kind of? idk work with me here. point being is that i love you with my whole ass heart, and wish you nothing but love and happiness always and forever. thank you for lovin’ me (thank u for bein’ there. EVERYBODY’S THANKIN.)

@claustrophobicwerewolf​ : lizzie bearrrrrr. my love my heart. another person who some how sticks around when all i do is throw crack at you. fr. i’ve seen you grow up basically and like WOW U STUNNAH. you’re not only a gifted writer, but you have a genuine heart and want to make the people you love and care about happy no matter what. you also give such life and love to isaac it just makes my heart so fucking happy. even when you’re hurting me with sparks and wires u fuckin twat. i can’t wait for you to come visit and let me kidnap you to nyc forever and ever and ever. 

@codeworn​ : emmaaaaa. you’re just the lovliest. like? i am v fortunate that i have met you. you are crazy talented, crazy gorgeous, and always up for a fucking adventure. you throw literally everything at me and i do the same and its just a wild ride. i love it so much. you’ve been in my life such a short time, but i have already decided i am never letting you go. please never change, keep on being a bad ass allison, and a wild child of muses. it gives me such joy to see you on my dash, in my ask, on my discord, and just everywhere. you’re fucking amazing and don’t ever forget it.

@hiighking​ : bee bee bee. one of my first ever wives. MANY MOONS AGO in a land far far away, kaleb brought you to me and we have been friends ever since. my wife and my friend and sometimes my mom. literally the best of everything rolled up into one. you’re always there to remind me to take care of myself and make sure i’m alright when things are very much not. you know so much ab me and my life and have been there through MAJOR ordeals for me and somehow you like...still stick around? i’m sry ur stuck in that hell swamp but know that i love you lots.

husband harem:

@scartissuexx​ : t re n t. my wonderful bear husband. #1 husband in all the land. another person who has been in my life a short while, but i feel like i’ve know  you for forever. the person who reminds me to hydrate every day, who checks up on me when things aren’t right. who keeps me sane and calm when i wanna kill everyone. who for WHATEVER REASON loves me basically unconditionally. i do not know what i did in my life to deserve you to be a part of it. you’re a strong as fuck person who takes no shit, and i adore that about you. you’ve gone through a lot and just like..... idk man daddy af and u know it. not to mention your derek. also the love of my / lydia’s / cam’s lives. you put so much love and care into him, and have basically torn him down to the studs and rebuilt him into what TW never could, what he honestly truly deserves. there’s such depth and fleshed out facets that every day i learn something new, and it’s never ending this journey of derek with you. i adore what you’ve done and keep doing with him. he’s a fucking asshole, but god do we love him. and you. always. let’s move to mars already. love ur bear wife.

@astrepur​ : kalebbbb. although i’m still heartbroken you left me for bee (doesn’t MATTER YOU WERE ALREADY DATIN WHEN U MET ME AND SHES THE LOVE OF UR LIFE. SHHH. IRRELEVANT.) i forgive u. i miss you a lot always and i know you know that. you also went through some shit with me and got me through a lot of my damaged bullshit and just. wow. such a strong, bad ass individual. you’ve been my husband for as long as i can remember. ok for like 10 years bc thats how long we’ve known each other but whatever. thank you for always being there no matter how long it’s been since we’ve talked. thanks for always returning my texts even when i’m being weird. thanks for the drunk facetimes with bee. thanks for being fucking you, because i wouldn’t be me without you and i rly want you to know that.

@lycanstark​ : n i k k o. you are just like. how to even begin with you babe? like just....i don’t even know how long we have known each other, i’ve honestly lost track. from the moment you and logan came into my life, it was like the best fucking thing. you’ve spent years keeping me sane more than you really know. another person i talk to basically almost every day. who listens to me bitch. who indulges me with weird crack AUs and pairings. who tortures me with elijah gifs cause she fuckin’ can like. fuck you for that honestly but whatEVER. you always remind me that things aren’t always gonna be shitty. that despite a ton of bullshit, good things  (like our friendship) can last. and i really just adore and love you so much.

anyway here’s a thing about these fucking awesome babes that i will follow to the end of my days and ya’ll should too. thank you && goodnight.

[sanrosa]

10:43pm

A month ago, exactly a month ago, I would not have imagined being in the position I am right now. Because a month ago, I still had uni assignments that were still due, I was still living with my one sister and mom, I had just applied for a learnership which I had hoped and prayed so much for - feeling optimistic because of the responses I gave for the interview, I still had a learner's licence that was about to expire and I was blatantly waiting for it to expire because there was no hope whatsoever anymore that I would get a test before it expires (my punctuality cost me a great amount), I still did not know how I'd really execute my vision of getting into the scenes and finally officially put myself out there as a rapper/artist, I still did not know either how I'd take advantage of the platforms I had initiated but did not carry on with (my blogs, youtube channels, twitter accounts, instagram, etc.) and I still had no full set idea of what I was going to do this year, like exactly what I'm working towards by the end of this unexpected gap year. This was all me, a month ago.

A month later... so much has changed, I'm quite amazed. So... I never quite really finished the assignments on time, and well, in summary: I failed. The hour I spent after reading that email, that hour- in pure shock, is one I will never quite forget. How I had emotions too many, yet none. A state of confusion, shock, heartbreak, deep sadness, then numbness, then acceptance, then happiness, then relief and joy. All in a matter of minutes. At the same time, I was trying not to feel either. I convinced myself that it is not that deep, I am strong and I will get through this. Because in a way, I had also expected it, the way things were going. I could not have expected that I pass with flying colours when the effort I was putting was minimal to none. Literally doing things last minute. So, while I was surprised at failing for the first time in my life academically, I honestly did not have anything or anyone else to blame but myself. The responsibility was completely my own and it is in my doing and way of handling my time that I succumbed to this position (of failure). So, yes, I do know that I am at fault. But fr, it just could not erase the fact that I was in shock hey. But I did move on from that rather quickly. And what I took from that moment were two things... A big lesson, and a big advice. The biggest lesson was (and will continue to be, until I truly learn and master it) - How to take control of my time and manage it efficiently! There will not a lesson as big as this one right here for me. Because it has become my biggest weakness and starting to become my most wounding one, unless I start acting right and learn it. I've been losing too much and too many precious things (opportunities, assets, beautiful moments) to my lack of time management skills. And it hurts! So I have no choice anymore other than to fully commit myself to respecting, cherishing and managing my time the way I'm supposed to, to get to exactly where I want to be. And well, I guess I'd say the advice is actually also in this lesson; Practice, practice, practice! Master the art of doing something when I need to and am able to. There's no better time than now. Anyways, next. Well, just a month ago I thought I'd be living with my sister for the year. But, my aunt and cousin came to visit for a weekend, and my cousin did not have a place to stay yet for his school year (res) so we found out he'll be staying with us. For a month. Jiki-jiki, a month later.. Both my sister and my cousin have left. Gone to their residences and off living their lives. As if I expected that?? I should've, right? No. Because my sister never actually said anything about leaving, and I genuinely thought my cousin was actually going to stay like a bit longer because who starts staying in a place in like the middle of the month, you know? So here I am now, lonely and sad they're both gone and I'm just left with my mother, who besides being a really cool and sweet human, likes to naaagg! about almost anything around the house. from the table not being wiped properly, to the windows, to the curtains, to the food and the way it was cooked, to the. Which, I'm not gonna lie, I understand as she is a black parent. I dislike it (extremely), but I do understand. I mean in any case, she probably has a lot of stress already so this is like her way of taking it out I guess (and lmao that is actually exactly what goes through my mind when she nags. I bounce her energy off, and not let it interfere with my energy, by keeping in mind that she's just trying to air out her 'boiling' thoughts, so i should not let it get to my emotions so that I have a bad vibe because the vibe that's been created. and it works like a charm). At the same time though, I'm not trying to paint a picture of her as an extremely 'complaintive' person lol, it's just i think that i'm not used to this energy anymore. I left the nest last year. Now that I've come back, I'm not sure how the hell I was able to handle such energy... cause it is lame as hell. But anyways, my point actually was how sad I am that my sis and cousin left. So abruptly even. Man. At least my cousin (who actually just left this morning) did leave me with something valuable. A truly valuable gift. He taught me how to make a beat. Just a day ago I didn't know practically anything about making beats. Not even the names of the types of instruments (snares, kicks, hi-hats, melodies). But now, I feel like I've unlocked a whole new world of understanding music. Cause now it feels like I even know exactly what went into the beats that these famous artists (Drake, Kanye, Nicki, PND, Cardi) use for the songs. Of course not exactly what they used, but more or less how they made it. And it looks easier now. My journey on being a rapper now looks more lit up cause bitch I'll even be producing my own hits now. Ah! Lol but okay, honestly, that was fire. And I'm truly and eternally grateful he helped with that. I hope he has a blessed year. Alright... next. (sigh) The learnership. Actually this one kinda still hurts deeply so I won't get too in detail about it, but... I did not get the learnership. Though I genuinely felt like I fit the criteria perfectly when I applied, as well as living very near to the workplace. Heaven only knows why I would be given such an opportunity and have the strength to actually take it, yet the outcome is a complete flop. Like I am honestly trying to understand why I even saw the ad in the first place... At such perfect timing (cause I was not going to be taking a gap year this year anyways)... All to just give me unnecessary hope? Why?? Why break my heart like that??? But ok yeah ... Life and shit. Anyways, the learner's licence. Haha, this one is quite interesting actually. Because to be truly honest, I had almost forgotten that I had a learner's licence. And I think it's because in my mind I had obtained the learner's, took driving lessons and had already planned to take the driver's test in PE, however I was in Gtown for most of last year, so it seemed like something that could not happen until I fully got back to PE, which was December. December came and went with all the fun I had and it completely slipped my mind that I could take lessons and a driver's test during the time. Came beginning of January, I'm preparing for school. Still no 'go book a test' in mind, until the middle/end of January (when it became final that I was not going to school this year) and I thought 'oh damn, this would be the perfect time to actually take lessons and book a test then'. Only to find out I am too darn late; the DLTC is all booked out. Oh, how I regretted wasting my time on idk what. 🙂💔 Fortunately, I was not too bummed out, considering I have another whole year to redo this then. Unfortunately, I stumbled upon a post by one of my favourite artists right now, Saweetie, and found out that she is doing a giveaway (brave of me to enter that world again, I know. I don't know what's my problem really) and well, I decided to enter it. Thing is though, it's a giveaway for a whole Tesla. Yes bitch, a whole entire mthrfking TESLA. And my ass is smart enough to think I would win it lol. Okay, God bless my heart. Anyways, so the catch is.... You need a driver's licence. OBVI! But I don't have one. YET! So, uhm, *cough cough* let me f**king book for learner's as soon as the day it expires!... Okay, done! Now let's go take the test 6 days later!... Okay, done! We passed... Done! Wooh. Now let's book for a driver's test as soon as you get home from writing the test cause we excited asf!... LMAO done! Now let's make sure it's a good date and good time astrologically too (cause that lowkey was the case with you writing the learner's test and boom you passed, even tho you didn't even check).... Done! Okay, we almost there, now go book for lessons at One Way (I'm sure they'll have spots for you cause it's a whole month and 3 days before you take your test lmao).... Done! Yay! I have a whole month to practice. Let's get it! Okay well, that's where I stand so far. Tuesday I'm then going to pay the booking fee and stuff. Then, take lessons from both the driving school and with my mother. Then take the test on Weed Day lmao. So after the test I smoke one up and celebrate victory. 😄 All in due time for the giveaway closing after two days. Wows. Whether I win the giveaway or not though, I'll just be glad that it seriously inspired me this much to finally get a driver's licence. Like, it genuinely pushed me hey. So boom I was able to get a licence this year 😁 Urrrniways... Next. My vision. Oh my dear vision. To be a well known female rapper. Beeeen hiding behind the scenes, you'd never know what I'm up to, whether I'm working, I'm playing, I'm being boring, I'm having a blast... or even having a child, chile (lmao). But one thing's for sure, I am still alive. Okay. And I'm just about to be more alive, and you'll even feel more alive... when my ass starts dropping things. Yasss honeyy, dropping my name, dropping that ass, dropping these beats, dropping this sass. Oh shit, here's the real her. Yes, hi. I been working, and I been playing, now let's get to showinnngg.😁 Lol, okay but on the real. A month ago, I really did not know how to execute my vision. In some parts I still don't really, like the cover for my debut EP (photography-wise), who to really contact for first edition EP-listening, and how much it would completely cost to distribute this whole idea/vision (which I'm actually going to have to start becoming my own professional accountant). But in some parts I now do, including important parts like GETTING THE MIC (😪😁 finally! and guess when it came? March 16th. always a special day for me this one), knowing how to produce my own beats here and there (finally 😁), and how exactly to market to a large number of people (😆more views and stuff), then perhaps less important stuff like the outfit I will wear for my very first performance lmao, and posting my stuff on instagram and tiktok (unexpectedly actually), and actually understanding and lowkey connecting with underrated rappers/singers. It's a pretty dope world to see tbh. Overrall... Babbyy, I see you the see the vision now. It's an exciting time to be in. (Side-note: Lmao I highkey lowkey think the moon being in Gemini just impacted me now. cause suddenly I'm on some other mood within writing this post. lmao shit changed quite drastically than when I began writing). Anyways, next. Last but not least... Taking advantage of these platforms, in conjunction with what exactly I will be doing this year. So, a month ago, I had almost forgotten about my astrology blog. Well, let me actually put it this way... I started to kinda cringe at the thought of my blog because it had been a while since I'd posted, so I wasn't too keen on going on to tumblr again. All the notifs, inboxes and deep cringe from noticing how it's been almost 5 months since I last posted something. Likkke... girl, is you serious or not? Lol, but then... an idea got blessed in my head on the 4th of March (a beautiful idea that will start commencing very soon)... How about I start a small business? :? Selling..... Merch. Based on astrology.😁 It is one heck of a win-win situation for me and the people getting interested in astrology now. But of course... I need an audience to sell to. So, (to the Heavens I thank for the day I randomly posted some astrology thing here on tumblr and it actually blew up and I did not even expect that), now I have some people to at least engage and connect with for this business. And I thank the Heavens even more that my idea somehow got transferred into my mom's head and she popped up a question of "Don't you wanna start selling stuff?" or something like that. And hell to yes, I grabbed that opportunity like no other! (but fr, I was shocked first. like what? you read my mind or sumn?) Lol, and so... Mi lady and I talked business and how she'd invested a K for me to check if I'd really be able to handle it. (Oh and perhaps I might add, my dad also did 'invest' a K for me in terms of my music... cause I was able to buy a mic with the money he gave me. Yes, yes, a whole K went into a mic). So I can only genuinely thank God for the people in my life, and how this path is going for me right now. Like, wow. But yeah. Technically, I haven't received the K from Mi lady yet, but that is good because I'd like to get in touch (and get bigger) with my tumblr astro fam again. Then in a couple of weeks, we officially commence. Just in time for me having a driver's licence. So, things can be easier for me pushing my business. :') Lord God, You are great. The greatest. Otherwise... yeah, then other stuff ke like really building my niche on instagram (posting pics and stuff), starting a music/astrology channel on YouTube (which I released my first video today 😁), and already officiated handles on twitter and insta. I'm not too sure if I care about facebook tbh. but yeah, then all that's left is the website itself and a professional email address. then, digitally, we up!

So yeah man... wooh, what a month passing by. never would've thought of all of these things happening. but I can only thank Lord God because it's none other than His doing that's helping me with all of this. Like I actually cannot explain how grateful I am for how kind and amazing He has been to me. and the fact that I'm able to see and understand why these things are happening. some making me really sad, but it's all just to introducing the next that will make me really happy. I am truly blessed man. wow.

God, I thank you. With all my heart and being. All my existence and soul. I thank you.

[recrush]

hmm a treasure i treasure is my gf, it's you. u r my treasure

💘💐🌟💝���💖💫💌  a love letter from me to you!!

bitch…

b i t c h…..

b i t c h…….

B I T C H!!!!!!!!

you fr don’t even k n o w how much this made my heart flutter. like, i was rlly sitting here, on my bed, confused as to who would send me a message. i open my inbox and see it was you and i was like ‘’okay why is meko in here’’ WEUDHEWF and then i read your message and i….i….i love you…so much…..sososoososososso much….so very much….so fucking much….i rlly can’t say it enough because every time i say it i love you even more and it’s like damn that girl is never gonna understand the amount of love i have for her. baby, i’m so glad we met what is it like two years ago now?? in That Group Chat (even if it became so uglie and dry after ushsdewf i’m still in it you know?? i would leave but everytime i try and do it i’m like wow this is so awks but then i look at the convo about jean memes and i’m like 😤😤). it still cracks me up because i rlly wanted to be your friend because you were (and still are) so fucking funny, you were Iconique as hell, and i just had this special place for you in my heart from the beginning 💓💝💘💞💖💕💗(also when i saw your pictures…bitch maybe that was when i realised i was bi 😍😍😩😫💦💦). everytime you cracked a joke i was rlly out there huffing and puffing cause you were so funny!! and i wasn’t even tryna kiss up to you i just found your goofy ass so hilarious and i wanted to talk so badly!!!

and then suddenly, we were friends and suddenly we kept pm’ing each other which??? was such a big step for me because at that point i was rlly shit at texting people individually but for you i didn’t even have to try. we kept talking all the fucking time. morning 🌕. afternoon 🌗. evening 🌑. in both timezones. just…we couldn’t keep our mouths shut!!! both on pm and in the group chat. omfg remember when we re-wrote your story and added ‘’fam’’ to the end of everything???? i remember i cried tears of laughter that night, i kept wheezing and silent laughing cause everyone was asleep and i didn’t wanna sound like a mf clown and wake them up and get my ass beat by my mum (mocs man mocs - mothers of colour). i remember that night i rlly felt like ‘’she likes me she likes me’’ and the time when we were posting those uglie ass shoes that BTS would wear and all these other times. we got closer and closer and i remember one night you made me cry because it was Deep Boo Hours and you were confessing that you never talked in the gc unless i was in it because i made you feel safe and you felt like you didn’t care if people would judge you in the chat because you had me and if you had me everything would be okay. i cried like the Big Bitch i am because it touched me, deep down (in my heart, i feel like i have to point that out KAKWKAKSK)

and then we were making our own squads from the main gc. we went through a lot in that time, like being shady little bitches and rlly taking out The Uglies 🤢😷(REMEMBER LAS VEGAS I WANT TO CHOKEHASK) to having the deepest conversations i ever had with anyone on this Earth. no, fr, i could literally talk to you about ✨ANYTHING ✨ and i still can. i even talked to you about shit that i never even thought about, and i told you all of my deepest secrets and innermost thoughts. shit that i couldn’t tell anyone else because i was afraid they would abandon me like how everyone else always did. but no matter what we went through, you never abandoned me or ditched me. not that you would willingly; it’s not in your character to just leave a friend. but we both never let the other grow apart from and each other and honestly we rlly didn’t need to do much to prevent that…

because here i am, it’s almost midnight, probably past midnight as i finally post this long love letter (but you know me well enough to know that this isn’t even long for me). i’m listening to your voice notes, Big Cheek Smiling because i love the sound of your voice, even if you don’t know what to say, smiling because you’re screaming and you scream every 0.2 seconds like you’re fr the bitch that actually screams when they text ‘’I’M SCREAMING’’, smiling because you make fun out of my accent because it’s so British compared to yours (I’M WHEEZING JUST THINKING ABOUT ALL THE STUFF YOU SAY BC IT’S SO FUNNY I RLLY WNANA CRY!!!!!) and i’m only realising like damn you sound so American *that’s hot*, smiling because i know your voice, your face, and now your body like i have this whole beautiful person in my head and my mind isn’t powerful enough to comprehend how so much beauty can be crafted into one person. and my mind further cannot comprehend (*insert* ‘’tas you sound so posh rn’’ I K N O  W) how on Earth this person loves me. we both always worried about drifting apart even though we never had a phase were we felt like there was no spark anymore. yeah, we did get busy w school, but we always left messages and photo mail (I LOVE LOVE LOVE PHOTOMAIL SO MUCH EVEN THE WORD YOU MADE IS SO ADORABLE UHSDFIJROP) and reassured the other always. and whenever we were online at the same time during the time we had to be away bc of uglie ass school the spark was unbelievable like we couldn’t shut up and we had so much to say, so much to laugh about. it would always felt like we never left each other’s side.

[ and now here we are. soon going to be 3 years later. we’re still super fucking close. i was never friends w someone from online for this long. but you’re more than just someone from online, not to sound corny :/ you’re ….everything….you’re my girlfriend, my wife, my one and only, my soul mate….you really are everything to me. this is gonna sound weird but you know that feeling after you do all your skincare and you feel so refreshed and relaxed and your skin is so soft and your face is glowing and you feel like no matter what happened that day all of the stress and sadness is gone??? that’s how you make me feel. you know when you’re alone and you’re watching the sky, no matter if the sun is setting or if there are no stars that night or if the sky has way too many colours in it compared to the usual blue it’s supposed to be, and being alone might make you feel empty but instead you just feel so whole?? and….and complete??? even though you’re this tiny person and you’re alone, with no one, watching this vast ocean of the air. and you’re far, far away from it that even if you reach your fingers and stand on your tip toes you could never be able to reach the sky, but despite the distance you still feel so complete and safe and protected and loved as if this sky, in all its greatness, is watching down on you and looking out for you and guiding you and loving you…BITCH THAT’S HOW YOU MAKE ME FEEL!!!!! ]

meko, you’re my sky. no. scratch that. you’re my sky, my earth, my sea, my sun, my moon, my stars, my whole mf galaxy. my love for you can’t even be contained in one universe. out of everything that’s happened in my tiny life, i am the most grateful that i was able to meet you and call you my dearest soul mate.

[ i love you so much baby girl, please sleep well underneath our sky tonight,

- tasmina (you’re other half) ]

😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇💘💐🌟💝🌈💖💫💌🕊😇

[cassie-archive-blog]

THINGS I’LL NEVER SAY ➝ DASSIE.

TAGGING ➝ Cassidy Harper, Danielle Harper.

LOCATION ➝ Dani and Gaby’s house.

TIME FRAME ➝ 2/17, afternoon.

WARNINGS ➝ Violence mention, abuse mention, drug mention, addiction, eating disorder.

NOTES ➝ Cassie spills about what’s been happening with her boss.

Cassie wasn’t trying to worry anybody here, and especially not Dani. It was bad enough that Cassius and Sage had been in danger by coming to her rescue like they had done, and although she was grateful to Cassius for what he’d done in getting her out of Frank’s place, she was still kind of mad at him for involving her sister, and of course now she wanted to know all of the details. Cassie was smart enough to know Dani wasn’t going to let this go until she’d gotten what she wanted, so there was no point in fighting it. She wasn’t going to explain everything to her via text message, though. If she couldn’t see her, how could she know her sister wasn’t going to flip into crazy bitch mode and go hunting Frank down? At least if she told her in person, she could stop her, and show her she was fine now. With that in mind, Cassie made the short drive from she and Sage’s place to Dani and Gaby’s, as usual just walking in once she’d gotten there. She’d made sure to wear an oversized sweater to hide the fact that her body was so noticeably skinnier, and just hoped her sister wouldn’t notice her face. Again as usual, Gaby’s annoying dogs were all over her, but she only cared about the puppy, so scooped him up as soon as he’d started jumping around by her feet, ignoring the other two. “You home, Drama Queen?” she called into the house, carrying the puppy through to the living room and making herself comfortable on the couch. “You’re so cute,” she said in that dorky voice people used when talking to babies or animals, holding King up in front of her and laughing as he tried to lick her face, “You should come live with me, I’m way more fun than these two losers.”

Dani it was absolutely not secret that Dani always worried about Cassie. That's the way she had always been; no matter what her sister said, she was always going to worry. She couldn't help that if she wanted to. Hearing from Cassius was strange to say the least. Dani never really liked him, even when he was close with Cassie. Now that she thought about it, she couldn't remember how they ended up having each other's numbers. Must have been a lapse of judgement on her part. She didn't really care about that, though. It turned out to be a good thing, considering her own sister didn't even tell her something was wrong. That made it even worse. Here was Cassius, someone Dani couldn't stand, telling her things that Cassie hadn't. The fact that he wouldn't tell her anything made her want to scream. Had he been in front of her, she would have lost it. She is not afraid to get into a physical fight with a man; especially when said man was keeping something about Cassie from her. Dani could get a little crazy when it came to the people she loved. She was definitely an act first, think later kind of person. She was feeling that same way texting her sister. Of course she was happy to hear from her, but that wasn't nearly good enough. Telling her she was fine and being dramatic. Again, things would have been different if she was in front of her. That's what she was thinking about as she sat at the edge of her bed, running her fingers through her hair. Her sister would be the death of her; she knows it. When she heard her voice from downstairs, she rolled her eyes and practically ran into the living room. She wasn't surprised when she saw her sister sitting on the couch with King. It made no sense to her that she didn't like the other dogs and liked him. "Surprised to see you here." She said, unsure of what to even say to her. She wanted to scream and yell, demand answers. Just thinking about it made her feel like a hypocrite. It's not like she hadn't done something like this before. Disappeared without a word, leaving her family to wonder where she was. It had been a long time since then, but she had done it. "Are you going to tell me what the hell is going on?"

Cassie was more focused on playing with the puppy than she was on her sister, and didn’t even look up at her as she walked into the room. She could see her from the corner of her eye, and could already sense the kind of mood she was in. Cassie just rolled her eyes, setting the dog down in her lap. He begun attempting to dig into her sweater, but it was an old one anyway, so she didn’t particularly care. She just left him to it. “Yeah, well, what can I say, I’m full of surprises,” she shrugged, finally looking up at her sister. The instant frown that appeared on her face in response to Dani’s tone was probably one that surprised exactly no one. “Obviously I’m going to tell you. I don’t come over here just to spend time with you for the sake of it,” she said with a disgusted expression on her face. “You have to come sit down first, though, and promise to just hear me out rather than pulling a Dani and flipping out. I really don’t need that shit right now.” Cassie wasn’t trying to build this up to be something bigger than it was, but she just wanted to make sure Dani was prepared, and to make sure she was close enough to her to stop her from up and running to go kill Frank.

Dani crossed her arms over her chest and glared at Cassie. "I would say so." She said, agreeing that she most definitely was full of surprises. None of them particularly good ones. The last thing she ever expected was to hear from Cassius about Cassie. She didn't even know that the two of them had been talking to each other, honestly. Not that she was even surprised; she just hadn't know. It felt like she didn't know a lot about her sister these days. That was something she didn't like at all. It made her worry even more, which she couldn't stand. She was used to worrying, but it had gotten even worse recently. The worst part was she didn't even know what she was worrying about. She just knew that something was wrong. "How am I supposed to know why you do what you do? Apparently, I don't know as much as I thought I did." She said, making no attempt to move from where she was standing. Of course she was going to hear her out, but she was still her and she was pissed. She didn't know if she should get mad or worried when Cassie said she didn't need that shit. It didn't seem like anyone cared about what Dani needed when they were going to get her sister without her. From where, she still didn't know. That's why she simply nodded her head, sighing as she sat next to her sister. "Fine. Whatever. Just tell me."

Cassie rolled her eyes yet again, something she did on a very regular basis anyway, but generally even more so around Dani. They both knew exactly how to piss each other off by doing seemingly nothing. “You know, you’re over here acting like I did something wrong, and you’re actually about to feel like such a dick when I tell you what happened, because it wasn’t my fault at all. But you go ahead and assume the worst,” she said with raised brows, shaking her head as she began petting the puppy again. He was more interesting than Dani, anyway. “Like I said, you should come live with me. I don’t whine all the damn time like she does,” she said to him, though she focused on her sister once she’d finally sat down beside her. “Alright,” she said, taking a breath and trying to figure out where to start. “I’m not going to give you an actual name, because I know how you are, so we’ll just call him Fr—” she paused, frowning at herself for basically giving it away already. “Fred. Okay, so, Fred and I have been hooking up. I went to his place last week and I was going to spend the night, but he’d been taking something. I mean, I didn’t see him doing it, but there was powder on his nose, so,” she sighed, shaking her head, “Anyway. He had a lot of energy from whatever he’d been taking, and I was exhausted from school and work, so I asked if we could take a break after a couple rounds of… Well, you know. He flipped the fuck out, called me f—” Again, she paused. Just the thought of the word made her feel sick, and Cassie swallowed a lump in her throat before continuing, her voice a little quieter. “Fat. He called me fat.” She needed a break. She wasn’t trying to get choked up over that; it would only make her current body issues more obvious. She glanced at her sister, “There’s plenty more, but just nod so I know you’re following so far.”

Dani wasn't going to feel guilty about being mad. She just wasn't. Maybe she'll feel bad for taking it out on Cassie, when she wasn't the only one pissing her off, but Cassius wasn't exactly around for her to smack. Besides, she wasn't mad at Cassie for whatever happened. She was pissed, because clearly there was something going on and she didn't know. Cassius, who fucking bailed on her sister, knew more than she did at this point. Perhaps it was selfish for her to feel that way, considering Cassie was definitely going through something, but she couldn't help the way she felt. If there was anyone she needed to know everything about, it was Cassie. Even if she had to force her way in, which she had, Dani was going to find out what was happening. She even considered finding Cassius for some answers. Fortunately, it didn't come to that. Cassie was the one she needed to hear this from. She would give her sister her full attention and worry about everything else later. First, she needed to know what was going on. She was so focused that she didn't say anything when she spoke to the dog; although he first thought was like hell is she taking him. That was kinda weird, since Dani was annoyed with the dog more often than not, but that wasn't really important right now. Listening to Cassie was. As she did just that, she had to stop herself from rolling her eyes. Fr- Fred. She was tempted to tell her sister she knew it was Frank. Not because of her unbreakable code, but because Cassius mentioned him when they spoke. Apparently, Cassie didn't know exactly what he had said to Dani. That was actually good to know. The more she listened, the more she realized it was much worse than she thought. She still didn't feel guilty for being mad, but now her anger was directed at someone else. Especially when her sister mentioned he was calling her fat. Dani wasn't exactly an expert on eating disorders, but she knew what that did to her sister. The not eating, her looking sick all the time. It was another reason she worried so much about her. It was a miracle she didn't spend 24/7 worrying. Well, she practically did, but still. She wanted to bring that up, tell Cassie that he was wrong, but she didn't know if it would help. She just nodded her head, letting her know that she was listening and she can continue.

Cassie felt so ashamed over the fact that, of everything that'd happened with Frank, the thing she felt most torn up about was him calling her fat. If he'd managed to break his way into the bathroom that first night, he could've and probably would've gotten physical. What made it even more pathetic was that if he had gotten in there and he had physically hurt her, it wouldn't have changed anything. What he had said to her would've still been the worst thing. Cassie tried to skip over it, though, giving herself a moment to just breathe, before continuing. "I got upset, ran to the bathroom and locked myself in there, then he started hammering on the door. He was yelling. I mean, he was really pissed. I don't think he would've done anything if he'd gotten into the bathroom, I think he would've just kept yelling," she lied, glancing at her sister again. "I just really didn't want to be there anymore, though, so I called Maddox. But it was the night Lilly wound up in the hospital, so he didn't answer. So I called Cassius instead. He came to Fra... Fred's place right away, beat the shit out of him, then drove me home." Cassie knew that this was a lot. In fact, she didn't even realize how bad it all was until she'd begun to explain it all aloud to her sister. At least she could trust her, though. If she could trust anyone, it was Dani. "I wasn't going to go to his house anymore. I didn't want anything else to do with him. But we both--" she paused again, "Uh, we both go to the same place a lot. And we were both there that afternoon, and I tried to leave, but he said that if I didn't go to his place again," she swallowed, replaying the thing he'd said about how he must've liked fat chicks in her head, though she wasn't going to talk about that. She hadn't realized she'd begun to shake, though, just at the thought of it. She pulled her sleeves down over her shaky hands to keep them covered and out of view, but as she spoke again, her voice betrayed her. "If I didn't keep sleeping with him, he'd go to the cops. About Cassius, I mean. The number he'd done on his face could've gotten him into some serious trouble. So I went with him to his place again. It was Cassius' birthday, and we had plans, but I had to text him to tell him I had to bail. Fred saw me texting and took my phone. I guess Cass figured out what was going on, because he kept texting me and I didn't text back, since like I said, Fred had my phone. He and Sage showed up to Fred's place and brought me home, then we went back for my phone the next day. I texted you as soon as I got it back." Her voice and hands were still shaky, so she made a point of not looking at her sister. "That's it." Her voice was quiet now, almost a whisper, "Pretty pathetic, huh?"

Dani was trying her best not to get angry as she continued to listen. Her fists were clenched on her lap as she took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down. She figured with everything she learned so far, it was a miracle she hadn't lost it already. It didn't take much to piss Dani off, but this was beyond anger. This was rage. Had she been the one Cassie had called, she would have shown up there with her Harley Quinn bat. It actually didn't sound like a bad idea right now, but she promised to hear her out. She didn't know what she even expected, though. It wasn't this. She knew that Cassie's boss had done something and that was only because Cassius spilled the beans. Otherwise, she probably could have figured it out. Cassie's whole 'Fra... Fred's,' thing was a dead giveaway. Obviously Cassie wasn't thinking clearly. If she had been, she would have seen that she wasn't fooling anyone. Dani liked to think that she was good at knowing when something was up. Maybe not as good as she thought, considering she didn't know anything was up until right now. That really sucked and she still didn't like that, but she could understand her sister calling Maddox or Cassius. Well, sorta. Dani had a habit of thinking nothing could hurt her, so she would fight anyone and everyone without a second thought. Man or woman, it didn't matter. She would fight them, especially for her sister. Of course they were the logical choice, so it made sense. She just didn't think logically. In fact, she didn't think at all. She reacted and didn't worry about the consequences. At least it seemed like Cassie had been thinking clearly that night. If the roles were reversed, Dani probably would have done the same. Kept Cassie far away. She used to do that back in high school, on her very worst days. She would push her family away, trying to protect them. Even when she wanted to be with them the most. Mostly Cassie. "I don't really know what to say." She finally spoke, her expression turning into a more softer one. She still didn't like the way things went down. She didn't like that Cassius took Sage along, and left her to worry. This wasn't really about her, though. It was about Cassie. The fact that some guy thought he could hurt her sister made her furious. Like she could literally kill. "What's pathetic is a grown ass man throwing a fit, because you didn't want to fuck him. I don't give a shit what he was on, that's disgusting." Again, she was forcing herself to be calm right now. It was easier said than done. "Okay, so what I'm getting is that you agreed to go with him, so Cassius didn't get in trouble? Are you kidding me right now? How is you being forced into bed better than that?" Maybe it was harsh and she knew it, but she didn't give a fuck about what happened to him. Only her sister. She was the only one that mattered.

Cassie could see how angry Dani was getting, and she really didn’t blame her. If the roles were reversed, and her sister was telling her all of this stuff, Cassie would’ve flipped out already. She would’ve stormed out of there and gone hunting down whichever asshole had done this to her. Cassie was even less rational than Dani was, though, and as much physical damage as she thought she could do, she was definitely the weaker triplet. For that reason and so many others, it was good the roles weren’t reversed. She knew she’d just given her sister a lot of rough information to swallow, and simply gave her a small, forced smile in response. “It’s okay, I wouldn’t know what to say, either.” There was nothing really to say. What was done was done now. Dani had wanted details, though, so Cassie had given them to her. She wasn’t really feeling like her same, feisty self anymore, not after getting all of that off her chest. Plus, those stupid words were still circling around her mind. ​You think anybody else is going to want some little slut who’s obviously too fat and lazy to last more than two rounds in bed?​ She swallowed, trying to push it to the back of her mind, but she couldn’t. ​She’s kind of fat these days.​ Cassie closed her eyes and could picture that smirk on Frank’s face as he told her, ​Guess I must have a thing for fat chicks.​ She ignored her sister’s questions, unable to focus on them. Unable to focus on anything other than those stupid things he’d said. She couldn’t even open her eyes, because she knew they were beginning to fill with tears, and her choked up voice completely gave that away as she whispered, “Dani, am I fat?”

Dani was clueless in most situations. She had a habit of making things worse, when all she wanted was to make things better. It seemed impossible for her to make anything better, though. What could she do? Her first thought was to run out of here and make Frank suffer. Cassie still didn't know that Dani knew who he was, and she actually planned on keeping it that way. She hadn't yet made up her mind of whether or not she was going to do something about him, but if she was, Cassie didn't need to know about it. If it comes to that, her sister would probably assume it was Cassius. That almost convinced her to go ahead and do it. There were more important things to worry about, though. Like the fact that her sister was clearly not okay right now. When she had asked her why she was protecting Cassius, she assumed that they were about to argue. Not that she wanted to, but that was really fucking stupid of her. Whatever happened to him couldn't be any worse than Cassie being forced to sleep with someone. Although, the two of them probably had different views on that. Cassie obviously cared about him, where Dani didn't. That's why she saw an argument coming. She probably would have taken that over this. Dani could handle her sister's snappy comebacks any day. What she couldn't handle was that forced smile. The way Cassie had been in her own head, clearly thinking about something else. Dani could only guess what. She had a good idea, though. Despite having to watch her sister struggle with it, Dani knew very little about eating disorders. She knew it wasn't as simple as eating and not eating, though. People assumed that the solution to being an addict was simple. Don't do drugs. It wasn't that simple, no matter how much she wished it was. She figured the same could be said for her sister. It just wasn't that simple. She worried that because of that, she wasn't all that helpful. Still, all she could do was try. "Cassie," She sighed, scooting closer to her sister. "Of course not. You never have been. In fact...." She trailed off, taking in her sister's appearance. The last thing she wanted to do was further upset her, but she had to ask. "Have you been eating?"

Cassie really hated herself and her body for this. She hated her parents for it too, because this was their fault. There were a lot of things the Harper children could blame on the fact that their parents were generally terrible, like their coldness or their knack for being completely distant at times. This, though, the whole eating disorder, body issues thing, was something Cassie could definitely blame them for, because they’d done this to her. They’d pushed this back on her when she’d started to recover from it, and she just hadn’t been the same since. More so lately than ever. What had happened with Frank was terrible. It was basically some kind of kidnap, she was pretty sure, and definitely some kind of abuse, but all she could think about now was her body. How disgusting it was to her, how horrible she felt about herself. That wasn’t normal. She should’ve been crying about what had happened with Frank, not about this. Feeling her sister moving closer to her and hearing the way she said her name, Cassie opened her eyes. They were glazed over with tears. Lying to Dani was always hard, but fighting off a disease was harder. Right now, the former was the easiest option, so Cassie nodded her head in response. “Yeah, I have. I’m okay. I just needed to hear someone say that what he said wasn’t true, that’s all.” All lies. It didn’t matter what anyone said, it wasn’t going to change Cassie’s mind or view of herself. If it got her sister off her back for a bit, though, then that was okay. It was worth it.

[daniedoodles]

Danie’s Dilemmas Ep. 26: Books Closed

Today of all days, I’ll Always Remember You by Hannah Montana could not be taken more seriously. It’s the last day of senior year. In spite of how much I anticipated to cry on this day, I actually didn’t, possibly because I’ve thought about it so often for the last two months (or maybe it’s because my last diploma isn’t until this Thursday so really, everyone’s last day is slightly different). I have so much to say, but none all at once. This has been said time and time again, but I feel like for most of high school, we had the tendency to take it for granted; we all wanted to drop out or give up at some point because it just felt like there was nothing about our experiences that implied that eventually, it would get better. All those times complaining about homework or cramming for exams... except now that it’s over, we can’t help but focus on the good parts about it that have also come to an end, most of which were moments spent with friends doing dumb shit lmao. 2019 so far has proven to be one of the most bizarre years thus far. I’ve spent time with people that I never thought I would get the chance to, endured the most UNserious exam season, and now, the most UNserious last day of school. Since I was not remotely prepared to face the last day in terms of taking the opportunity to formally thank all of the people that made high school as fun as it has been, I thought I’d kill two birds with one stone and mention them on this episode :) And yes, I will be mentioning names. We’re NOT in high school anymore so there’s no need to play guessing games. 

Vicky: I never know how to start these things without making it sound cringey or sappy, but bitch we have been THROUGH it. Regardless of how we’ve managed to not get into a single class together throughout the entire three years we’ve spent in high school, we somehow managed to stay hella close which you should know by now, I am incredibly grateful for. I haven’t exactly been as active with the group, but that’s only because I know we have all of summer ahead of us to make up for it. Just know that I’m always going to be here to be the voice of reason, but also your partner in crime. We’ve laughed too loud and cried too hard over the dumbest shit, taken bomb ass photos and eaten too much food. I’m so excited for what other dumb shit we can do together. When you’re out on your own adventures, pls text me so I know you’re not dead. I love you, my favourite rat. OwO

Alex: Whew, sis. We came together on the oddest terms, talking about failed love interests and all that bs, but aren’t you glad that it happened? Otherwise, we wouldn’t have had that deep talk at the ridge, wouldn’t have realized how similar we were in terms of how bad we are with gaining closure lmao. I’ve never felt more comfortable to cry as hard as I have about the death of a fictional character as I have been with you, and that speaks volumes because I hate crying in front of other people. Last summer was by far one of the best summers I have ever experienced and I’m grateful to have spent a majority of it with you. Thanks for saving my ass when I snuck out of the house that one time and for staying up and feeding me after I got back from being out until 3am. Now that school’s out, let’s get on that mf tanning grinddddddd. ily bitch. I swear, I feel like I have I lot more to say for you but right now I’m coming up blank. But I feel like you already know what else there is that I have to say... if not, I’m saving it for your birthday (hurry up and be 18 already goddamn). 

Laureen: Laureen you already know we’re on the same wavelength lmao. Even though I feel like I see you the least of all in the group, it’s comforting to know that it doesn’t lessen the integrity (sorry to give u ptsd from the diploma) of our friendship. Being born on days that are so close together really be hitting us different. I swear, there have been so many times where we’re just thinking about the exact same thing, which is both cool and creepy. LIKE OUR GOD TALKS OMF. Seeing that we’re both the moms of the group, we gotta stick together to take care of our crackhead children. But fr, I trust you with everything. My future children, my own life, my phone, my butler ;) How are you not my emergency contact, honestly? We need to have a car talk and see what comes out of that. There is so much more I have to fill you in on. (also don’t forget about clubbing next Thursday eeooow). 

Joscelynn: Let me tell you, Joscelynn, how big of a blessing it is to have you live so close to me. Out of everything that you’ve done for me, I think the one I’m most grateful for is for the time that you “broke” into my house to check if I unplugged my straightener LMAOO... or that time when you just hugged me while I was breaking down in the washroom at the end of the day where I had a test for all four periods. As much as I don’t know who most of your tea is about, it’s nice to know that you’re comfortable to confide in me and the whole group about all kinds of things, even when we don’t ask for the kind of detail you provide HAHAHAHA. Also, thanks for always coming in clutch with all the board games. Much love, Pennywise. <3

Diane: I know we sort of hit a wall with our friendship at one point, but I’m really happy that we were still able to recover from it and rekindle our friendship. I understand that the circumstance is all different now, and we aren’t as attached to one another as we once were back in junior high, but I think there’s some good in that because we were able to grow at our own pace. Although we have to admit that we did grow a little bit apart as well in the process, I like that we are both still able to reminisce fondly on the moments we’ve shared in the past. You’re one of the brightest minds I know :). I feel like I never told you enough but I always appreciated how easily you could bring a smile to people’s faces. Yeah, keep doing it. If you ever need to vent, I’m only a 4-minute scooter ride away. 

Anna: Holy shit sis, idek where to begin. You’re by far the biggest reason why I was able to haul my ass through to the end of high school. If you didn’t look out for my water intake, or the little errors in my calculations... I don’t even want to imagine it. You’ve done so much for me and have had to endure all of my shit that I can’t encapsulate it all into a single letter. I can’t thank you enough for all the memes that have made me piss myself on countless occasions, no matter how old they were nor how often I would look back on it, for recommending me to the program that will finally release me from the constraints of the status of being a “broke ass bitch”, for staying up with me discussing all kinds of things from the environment and ethics, to fortunes, astrology, love, and TEA. We’ve both seen each other at our most vulnerable and beaten down state (which is literally every English class), and we’ve celebrated each other’s triumphs, but most importantly, laughed at our failures (English, again omg). I can’t help but get emotional whenever I think of how you’re gonna be leaving soon for UBC, but it’s not like that’s going to affect how often we keep in touch anyways lol. We can’t just have the kettle always overflow, you know? Fr tho, I’m big fucking sad about you leaving, but I’m also so proud of how far you’ve come. I really don’t know how tf I’m supposed to be able to cope with suddenly not seeing you everyday. Ugh, ew I’m crying now but as I was saying, thank you for everything. I can’t wait to get those dream recorders out on the market after we’ve gathered all the knowledge on neuro/psych and business so we don’t have to wake up in the middle of the night and write out the dreams in our notes anymore. I’ll miss you a fuck ton ON GOD. 

Cheyenne: Cheyenne!! I’m so glad I met you and Anna when I did :)) we made the best chemistry lab group, we basically made titration our mf bitch. There was always so much comfort in knowing that we were all on the same page about not getting assignments done on time for English lmao. You just hear that sigh of absolute relief. I’m happy to have become close enough with you for you to be able to trust me with all the stuff you’ve spilt, and for reading your cards when you need them read. I can’t wait for all of us to actually do shit together this summer, I don’t even understand how we let the summers prior pass us like that. In all seriousness though, Cheyenne, you’re so kind and genuine, I’m glad we’ve gotten a lot closer this year. After summer, I guess I’ll be seeing you around campus!! 

Yuan: Bitch, hay nako. Where to start? I don’t think I’ve ever been quiet OR in a bad mood after hanging out with you. I’m glad that I was able to count on you to distract me from getting any work done in class and for getting photos of mee sleeping. Grabe, nakakabwiset HAHAHAHA. Actually though, I don’t think we’ve been close-close up until recently but I’m still so happy that we are now kasi ang saya mong kasama. Not a lot of people can convince me to speak Tagalog so already that says something. Basta, I’ll keep this short cause it’s not like we’re not seeing each other over the summer. We’ve got a lot of time to make more memories. Pwede nang uminom (thank God). Thanks for all the laughs, and for keeping up with the bullshit I write on this page lol. 

Joaquin: Hey, “best friend” wassup?? We haven’t been close for long either. In fact, we’ve barely just hit the 2-week mark of our friendship. But I will say that that was the most last minute transition from acquaintance - close friend. Even though we’ve been in at least one class together during each of the three years, we weren’t necessarily on active talking terms... until now. Thus far, every moment I’ve spent with you and Yuan, or just you, have all been for the books. I don’t think I’ve laughed as much as I had on that one day that we went to Southcentre. Already I can say that you’re one of the greatest people I know: generous, kindhearted, hilarious, and with a great taste in music. I’m excited for whatever it is that ends up happening in the summer, spontaneous or planned, I can’t wait. :D Ps. Thanks for getting me out of the house lol.

Jay: James, bruh. We haven’t been in touch lately, but I feel like you already know what’s coming to you, considering a majority of my indirects to you are basically just going to get reiterated right at this moment. Always know that I genuinely appreciate all of the deep talks we’ve had in the past and that you’re one of the few people I trust to openly express my thoughts to. I hope everything with tennis continues to go well, and that we get to catch up soon ‘cause lowkey it has been TOO long since we’ve last talked-talked.  

Maxine: Max, by the time you’re back on social media, you’re probably never gonna see this because it’s going to be buried so deep into my feed and I know that you’re too lazy to scroll that far down, but I’m gonna write it anyway. We’ve been friends for awhile now, and only now, in our second semester of senior year, did we manage to get into the same class ever since junior high, and it’s safe to say that there has never been a dull moment with you... to the point where I’m pretty sure we made the teacher hate us. I don’t know why you were so set on saying goodbye today when we literally live in the same community and have each other’s numbers, but aight lol. Max, you really be the OG out here. Every time we talk we can’t help but reminisce on how much we sucked ass at opening our own lockers in grade 7 and to this day it still cracks me tf up. Thank you for dealing w my bs after all this time, and for letting me stay at your place before and after school in junior high. ily  

Jerry and Cam: Y’all we go WAYYY back. Even though you guys didn’t attend school at bob, I still wanted to make a point of thanking the both of you for reconnecting. Plus, this is one of the few opportunities I have to acknowledge the support of my audience (LMFAO) so I thought “why not?”. We’ve only hung out once since February (or March? idek), but that’s definitely gotta change now that we’ve got a lot more free time. Y’all know where to find me when you need advice/opinions/someone to talk to when you’re bored/a tour guide to the boring south lmao (or maybe not that.. I lack street smarts). 

That’s it. I’m also probably going to email my teachers because I did not have the time nor the energy to do anything before the last day of school so that’s how they’re going to get it. Is this what it means to be eco-friendly?? Writing emails instead of actual handwritten cards??? I mean.. okay I guess. 

In conclusion, ending the senior year is bittersweet. If there’s anything I’ve learned from going through it all, it’s that you should get all your shit over with in your grade 10 and 11 years, so you’ll be cruisin by senior year. Also, don’t deprive yourself of hanging out with friends. That shit sucks ass and you’ll regret it a lot. 

ps. just because high school is ending, does NOT mean that this is the end of Danie’s Dilemmas. You really think the tea’s gonna stop there??

For now. 

Keep up. 

x