#and hyunjin's too tbh the way he raced to put his arm on felix's shoulder when innie' lifted HIS arm

[hyunjining]

Hyunlix in Stray Kids Answer Questions About Each Other for Teen Vogue 🌹

[jadedjxsung]

‘heather’ - h.h.j

i am sad and am listening to conan gray’s new album kid krow - this is inspired by ‘heather’ from that album. listen to it. it’s sad and i cry a little bit every time because i kinda relate to it too with my actual friends... anyway. this is kinda like me fictionally venting about it but through fanfic so i hope you enjoy this angst.

genre: angst, angst, angst. highschool au.

tw/cw: swearing, alcohol (kinda underage drinking? tbh i’m assuming they’re all above 18 so idk guess it depends on the laws where you live, where i am it’s 18)

pairing: hyunjin x reader i guess? kinda but also not really. you’ll see what i mean when you read the story.

just over 3k words

-

it was the third of december, a sunday, approximately 4pm. you and your best friend (whom you were definitely, absolutely not in love with) were hanging out at his house, having spent most of the day watching movies in the pillow fort you had made in his living room. your phone buzzed beside you, under the soft mink blanket.

“i gotta head home now.” you sat up, stretching, looking down at him. 

he was pouting. (god it just made him more adorable-) “come on, five more minutes?”

“i can’t jinnie, my grandparents from out of town are visiting and mum wants me there to see them.” he sighed. 

“argh, fine.” you both crawled out of the fort, and you reached the front door. opening it, a cold wind blew in. you were in a somewhat thin t-shirt. “take my sweater.” before you could even attempt to protest, he’d whipped the black sweater off and threw it at you. it landed over your head. you pulled it over your body, instantly swamped in the soft material. (it smelled just like him too, you tried to ignore the way it made your heart race.)

“thanks.” 

“you’re welcome. it looks better on you.” he grinned. you hugged briefly, and then began the walk home, head spinning as you tried to remember to breathe. after the dinner with your grandparents, you sat in your room, in his sweater, inhaling the scent and playing with the sweater paws. you fell asleep with a soft smile on your face.

-

it was the end of the winter holidays, spring rapidly approaching. school was back, and you and hyunjin were sitting in the cafeteria during lunch with your friends. it was loud, the mass of teenagers chatting loudly. you were listening to felix as he was talking about what had happened in drama, recreating the scene with jisung. you glanced at hyunjin, soft smile on his pretty face. it disappeared as he began staring, a look you’d never seen on his face before. you followed his gaze, hitching your breath at who he was (now very obviously) staring at. he was completely mesmerized.

of course it was a girl. admittedly a very beautiful one, clearly a new student. imagine, the definition of the soft girl aesthetic - perfect, slightly curled brown hair, oversized pale pink knitted sweater, half-tucked into light blue mom jeans rolled up at the ankle, white adidas finishing the look. round frame glasses, and the perfect smattering of freckles over her nose and cheekbones.

perfect, perfect, perfect. 

picture perfect.

as she walked past your table, you glanced at hyunjin. he was, as felix would say, ‘absolutely whipped’ - heart eyes, mouth slightly agape, relaxed facial expression.

you quickly exhaled. “shut your mouth before you start drooling.” you snapped.

he jolted out of his daydream at your sudden sharp tone. “shit, was i staring?”

“you’re whipped, bro.” 

“she’s sitting alone, i’ll go talk to her.” he got up quickly, moving away from your table. you observed his body language - you could imagine him giving her that charming smile, while it wasn’t as pretty has the one where his eyes crinkle up, it was still infectious and entrancing at the same time.

“sorry, y/n.” jisung murmured in your ear. though he was smiling, his eyes said otherwise. he knew how you felt about your mutual friend and was always sympathetic towards you.

“we’ll see how long this one lasts, i guess.” you shrugged. something was different about this one, you could tell. it used to be more puppy love, but this looked more like real, romantic love. and it kind of scared you a little bit.

“i’m gonna go to the library.” you got up, bag slung over one shoulder, putting on a podcast (welcome to night vale, a long time favourite of yours) as you sat down. you pulled out your english book and a sharpie, idly doodling patterns and writing down quotes as you hear them. you had a free period after lunch, so you stayed there until the end of the day, the covers of your english, history, calculus, physics, chemistry, and music book covers were completely covered in drawings, and you had little sharpie smudges all along your hands and arms.

-

things had been getting better for hyunjin (and worse for you) - he shared a few classes with the girl he learned was from england, called heather. and she was all he talked about - until she began sitting with your group during breaks. 

“hey, y/n, i know you missed english yesterday so i copied my notes for you.” she smiled, passing you a few pages of paper as everyone met at your table. even her writing was neat and tidy, everything laid out nicely. your notes were exactly the opposite of this, being an incomprehensible mess. jisung had already given you his notes, so you folded them and shoved them into your bag. more ashes for the fireplace, you supposed.

“thanks.” you forced a smile. “much appreciated.”

“no problem!” god, her smile was perfect too. perfect teeth. it made you seethe on the inside. and, she’d taken your usual spot at the edge of the table, across from hyunjin; now you sat sandwiched between jisung and felix. while their antics still made you laugh, it was getting harder to pretend to smile at hyunjin and heather. picture perfect heather. she was everything you were not - twice as pretty as you, and kind too. it just made you more bitter.

you sighed, relieved when the bell rang to indicate the end of lunch - and you were the fastest to leave, too. music went by faster than usual, as you were practicing for your solo pieces. as you were leaving, you saw hyunjin walking by himself.

this was a rare opportunity, and so you seized it.

“hey, jinnie. movie night at mine?”

he shook his head. “sorry y/n, i’m busy. heather and i are gonna be going to...” as soon as he shook his head you sighed, regretting asking. you didn’t bother to listen to his short spiel.

“that’s okay.”

“what about next wednesday? we can hang out at mine?”

“yeah, sure!” it was the first thing that had you looking forward to being around hyunjin in a while.

-

the next day, you didn’t see hyunjin or heather until lunch. you nearly turned on your heel and walked out.

heather was wearing one of hyunjin’s sweaters - of course it wasn’t just any old sweater either. one of his favourites, a bright yellow one that you had bought for him about a year ago. of course he would give her that one. fucking typical.

you breathed in and out a few times to try and calm yourself down. at least it’s polyester, right? not like the woolen one he gave you.

your breathing didn’t really work - you sat down, (accidentally) slamming your drink bottle on the table.

“you good?” jisung asked gently. you shook your head slightly. “do you want to go outside?”

“please.” you both got up, exiting the cafeteria with your bags. it was cool outside, and overcast. you both walked across the field, sitting at a picnic table.

“what’s happened?”

“she’s wearing the sweater i bought for him, like, a year ago.”

his expression softened. “oh...”

“yeah. god- i just- i...” you buried your face in your cold hands. silently, jisung hugged you as you began to cry.

“i can try talking to him if you want.”

“i-it’s okay, there’s probably no point.”

“you never know, i’ll ask him about the sweater for you.”

“much appreciated.” you sighed. you two stayed in that position for some time. he looked up, behind you, seeing felix approaching.

“felix is coming over, is that cool?”

“yeah, yeah.”

“hey, uhh, i wanted to see if y/n was okay.” he sat down at the table, across from you both.

“i’m not, but thanks for showing concern, lix.”

“can i ask why?”

you sighed. “long story short, i have liked hyunjin for years and he’s basically in love with heather and she’s currently wearing the sweater i bought him a year ago.”

“yikes.”

“mhm...” you sat slumped for several minutes. for the rest of lunch, jisung and felix sat with you. while they still cracked jokes here and there, it was strange for them to be as quiet as they were.

-

you felt a little better now that felix and jisung both made the extra effort to try and cheer you up. hangout sessions with them both were quite common - though today it was wednesday and you were looking forward to hanging out with hyunjin. just you two. no perfect heathers to distract your best friend. 

waiting outside the main building for him, you saw him and walked over. “oh, hey y/n!” he smiled at you. the eye crunch one. your heart instantly a puddle on the ground.

“hey, hyunjin.” you began walking to his place, and it was just like old times - plenty of teasing and hyunjin being overdramatic while you rolled your eyes at his antics. all was well and you felt the happiest you’d been in some time. 

all was well.

two minutes past seven, you and hyunjin were in his room, doing your own thing, occasionally showing each other memes or tiktoks. a knock on the door caused you to flinch slightly. of course, being his bestfriend of several years meant that you had been interrupted by both of his parents knocking on the door numerous times; this was an unfamiliar knock.

and who comes into the room, but perfect heather. with her perfect smile, perfect hair, perfect handwriting, perfect everything. 

“oh, hi y/n! sorry to interrupt, i’m happy to leave-” 

“it’s fine, see-”

“no, no, no, you can stay if you’d like.” hyunjin beamed.

“are you sure? i wouldn’t want to impose.”

“it’s fine.” you got up, walking towards the door, glaring at hyunjin. “i was just about to leave.” as the weight of your schoolbag met your shoulder, you shut the door. firmly. god, how you wanted to hit him sometimes. 

-

a week and a few days later, and here you are at 1am on a saturday morning, dissociating at a party, hosted by jisung’s friend chan. you’re sitting on an armchair in the corner, with chan’s dog sitting by your feet, head on your lap while you gently patted it and scratched behind it’s ears. it was loud, and not your scene, and you hate it, but someone had to look out for slightly intoxicated jisung and felix and you didn’t like the idea of them doing something stupid (which was a very likely thing to occur if you weren’t there to supervise them). 

your charges are sitting on a couch with changbin, not too far from where you were, only two or so metres away. on another couch, hyunjin and perfect heather, as well as minho and another dude they were friends with that you recognised from class but didn’t know the name of. (jeongoon? no, jeongin.)

you shift your gaze from jeongin (jeongoon??) to hyunjin and heather. he has one arm around her shoulder. almost like phantom pain, you shiver, suddenly feeling cold. he used to do that with you. emphasis on used to.

you sit, patting chan’s dog (whose eyes are drooping, you feel exactly the same), wallowing in your bitterness. it makes you sad. in any other circumstance, you’d probably be good friends with her. she’s the definition of an angel, yet something about her makes you tick. she’s such an angel but you dislike her. immensely. not hate. it was a shame, really.

it is also a shame that with the blue and red lighting, it falls perfectly on hyunjin’s features, making him seem more ethereal. oh, how you wish you were in heather’s position. if you were in her place, you would’ve kissed him, right there. (after years of nearly doing it but stopping at the last second before he noticed and anything happened.) he’s three metres away from you, but you can picture his face close-up. he’d look so much better up close. how you wish you were heather. 

gently lifting the dog’s head from your lap (quietly apologising to it too), you stand in front of jisung and felix. 

“i’m leaving. don’t die. text me when you get home.”

jisung pouts. “aww, do you have to leave?”

“i’m not really having fun, there’s no point in me being here.” jisung stood up quickly, clinging to your shoulder as he sways slightly.

“i’ll walk you home, it’s dangerous out there, y/n. big scary spiders and shit.” his eyes are glassy and wide.

“no. no, you stay here, ji, have fun. i’ll be fine.” you force a smile for the boy clinging to you, not unlike a koala. 

“but what if like- a huge fuckin’ spider eats you?! what would i do without my y/n?” 

you chuckle at his antics. “you’re probably more likely to get me eaten by a big spider than to protect me from one, you idiot.” 

a new voice caused you to tense up a little bit. “i’ll walk them home, you stay here jisung.” 

the dark haired boy loosens his grip. “okay, if hyunjin’s walking you home that’s fine. but you should definitely not tell him anything y/n.” he sat back down again, almost like nothing had happened. hyunjin follows you out of chan’s place, nearly losing you a few times as you quickly picked your way through the crowd. 

you stand on the footpath outside as he approaches you. silently, you walk together for about five minutes, both lost in your own thoughts.

“i feel like we hardly talk anymore, y/n.”

you huff, shoving your hands further into your jacket pockets. “i wonder why.”

“well, why?” he ignores your sarcasm.

“heather.”

“what about her?”

your feet stop. you exhale sharply. this had been going on for long enough, and internally apologise to jisung for doing the exact opposite of what he told you to do. 

“you want to know? fine, i’ll tell you. i have been in love with you for years but have been too afraid to say it, when you had these little crushes on others and always having these short little flings with them but it didn’t matter because you always came back to me. then perfect heather turns up and you very obviously fall in love with her which is fair enough, and i feel horrible because she’s so perfect and lovely but i can’t help but despise her because she’s the one you love, not me. and it breaks my heart because you’re both so nice and she doesn’t deserve me being an asshole to her like this but i can’t help it, her perfection just irritates me in ways that i can’t describe. 

it’s like you replaced me, but with the perfect girl that you fell in love with while i sit in the corner, upset and bitter, because i am ultimately a coward who doesn’t know how to confess to their best friend. also, you gave her the sweater i bought you, the yellow one, but clearly don’t remember that because i’m just not that important to you anymore. everything is heather, heather, heather, with you and regardless of the romantic feelings, i miss you and want to know what happened to my best friend.” 

your heavy breathing after your rant filled the silence. 

“y/n i...”

“look, you don’t have to respond. i just needed you to hear that. i’m tired of trying to hide how i feel.” you turn on you heel and began walking quickly - your house was only a block away. curse hyunjin and his long legs.

“look, i’m sorry, y/n. i am so sorry that you feel like that. i’m sorry that i became so focused on one person. i’m sorry i can’t return your feelings, but i still love you as a friend. can we still be friends?”

you stop again, keeping your gaze towards the ground. “i don’t know if i can ever see you as just a friend.”

“so... no?”

you breathe in. “no, hyunjin. we can’t be friends.” you look up at him. you’d never seen him look this broken, this tormented, and it was because of you. you hold your arms out, and he falls into your embrace. you can tell by the way he’s breathing and the quiet sniffles that he’s crying on your shoulder.

-

it is the 3rd of march, a saturday at approximately 2am. you and your former best friend (who you are very much in love with) are embracing for the last time in the middle of the street, almost but not quite outside your house. your phone buzzes in your jacket pocket, repeatedly. 

“you better pick that up.” hyunjin said softly, pulling away from you, forcing a smile. it makes your heart twinge at the sight. nothing like the radiant ones you are used to, that you might never get to see up close again.

you sigh when you saw the caller id, answering anyway. “jisung, what?”

“you should be home by now y/n. are you safe? did you tell hyunjin anything? i hope he protected you from big spiders and shit.” he was slurring his words a little bit - clearly he’d had a bit more to drink since you’d left.

“i’m almost home, ji. he protected me from all the spiders.” 

“okay well, that’s good. i’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

“yep. stay safe.” you hang up and sigh, looking back at hyunjin. “look after him and felix for me, please.”

“i will.”

“thank you, hyunjin. you’re a wonderful person.” you begin to walk down the street, looking back when you reach your front door. you glance back, and see his dark figure, slowly walking down the street. you slip in your house quietly, and manage to hold your tears in until you reach your room. you sit on your bed, in his sweater, crying into the sweater paws. eventually, sleep takes over your body, your face sticky with tears.