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#and honestly. I'm acearo spec. I'm not likely to have a conventional relationship. for the present I'm still not planning on a relationship
asinglesock
ยท
8 days
Text
so uh
#a sock speaks
#I think I might actually experience attraction to men? not as definitively as to women but sometimes
#I think I was compartmentalizing things for quite a while
#bc I didn't feel okay to have a relationship with a woman
#and if I wasn't willing to have a relationship with a woman then it felt weird/wrong somehow to
#allow myself to be with a man?
#it felt like a betrayal somehow. I felt like I'd be judged or punished for it. or even if not that I'd be doing something wrong.
#in retrospect this was the OCD talking
#I don't really consider myself side b in the same way anymore. I don't know that I'd enter a relationship
#but largely that's because I have anxiety about intimacy and issues with self worth ๐
#but I've realized that I can't always tell the difference between shame over wrongdoing and fear of how others will react to me
#and fear is not worth a life choice of that scale. but love is
#and honestly. I'm acearo spec. I'm not likely to have a conventional relationship. for the present I'm still not planning on a relationship
#I've wondered if maybe I have a celibate vocation. which is still possible even with all of this [gestures vaguely]
#idk. for now I'm using the word queer to describe myself. it's comfortably open ended.
#but also I was too afraid that dating/marrying a man would place me into a power structure I could never escape
#and now I think maybe I don't have to be as afraid of that
#now the awkward thing would be to let friends/family know without making them think I'm ex-gay ๐
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