#and hes not even fuckin committed to this weird nebulous thing that's happening

[emo-sunshine42]

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[j-graysonlibrary]

Heartbeats; Paradise XX

Title: Heartbeats; Paradise

Author: Jay Grayson

Word Count: 112K

Genres: Psychological thriller, drama, sci-fi, LGBT+

Available on: Kobo and my website

Synopsis: Melvin Hardy and Kade Axel appear to be a match made in heaven. After a meet-cute in the rain, the two quickly find themselves in a burgeoning, wholesome relationship.

Yet, things feel…off. It isn’t the ghosts of their pasts that resurface to test the strength of their partnership—no—it’s something nebulous. Something indescribable. Melvin can’t put his finger on it but, the more time he spends with Kade, the more he starts to wonder what’s real and what’s pure fiction. 

XX:

“Kendra?!” Starla is the first to speak and move.

As she pulls herself from the heap, I fall back onto the floor and I guess that she was the one I landed on top of. I’m glad I didn’t have her pinned too terribly since she squeezes out from me with relative ease. Oz gets pushed to the side as well as she rushes over toward the woman in the middle of the room.

“Is it you…?” Starla’s voice trembles as she kneels in front of her, reaching her hands out toward her face but not committing to the touch. It’s as if she’s afraid that she’s mistaken but I can’t imagine who else she could be.

“I told you I don’t look like Bree,” Kendra replies, sounding rather sheepish. “This is me…”

There is a big physical difference—I’m able to see better now that my eyes have adjusted and the computer screen has also switched to a brighter, white light that illuminates Kendra’s form more clearly.

Her skin is a medium brown with her eyebrows and shaved head being a slightly darker shade. She’s a large woman—a body type that didn’t exist in our closed off world but one I became more familiar with through my memories. My own body, as Liam, got bigger as I got older and Gavin was always larger than I.

Starla, however, has had no exposure to people who look like Kendra (unless she’s had old memories crop up for her, which I doubt). She looks over the woman with a furrowed brow and I genuinely start to worry she’ll reject her for her appearance.

But she throws her arms around Kendra’s neck and, to my surprise, kisses her on the lips.

I’m nowhere near as shocked as Kade is though. He jumps up, finally getting off of me, and shouts, “What the hell?! You two are seeing each other?!”

Oz shoves him in the arm, sending him back on me in the process. “Shh.”

Kade’s elbow just barely misses my crotch but it does dig into my thigh. I wince and try to reposition him but he squirms away from me. I get a slap on my arm as I attempt to scoot away and, at some point, Oz involves himself again and, in his effort to help, just makes Kade more volatile.

I hope the women are having a nice moment in the meantime.

“I’m so glad to see you all,” Kendra mentions, making us all look over at her. Starla is at her side, still clinging to her. “Don’t get me wrong but…how did you get here?”

We exchange glances, even checking in with Starla.

How do we explain what happened?

I’m still not sure myself.

But, of course, Kade doesn’t take long to respond. “No fuckin’ clue, honestly. We got sucked into this weird tropical forest and a big flower guy tried to kill us but, when he realized he couldn’t, he said he’d ‘give us bodies’ and then we fell here.”

Kendra’s face contorts with the expected amount of confusion.

Oz sighs loudly. “That’s a very…basic explanation, yes.”

“We’re not sure what exactly happened,” Starla adds on, “But that thing that brought us here was what killed Melvin’s past life. It’s why he was in IVAR, I’d guess.”

“No shit?” Kendra looks to me for more answers.

I don’t know if I have much to contribute, however. Starla pretty much just said all that needed to be said on my part and Kade, while leaving out a lot of details, covered the key points. I’m sure Kendra would like to know more but I’m not sure what giving her details will do other than paint a better picture.

We’ll still have all the same questions at the end.

I take a deep breath. “My husband and I found a weird object that I recklessly touched. We were sucked into that place Kade described and the flower killed us.”

Kendra rubs over lips with her index finger and stares past me as she thinks. “Hmmm…Well, when IVAR was invented it was more like it was discovered. The guy that found it said he came upon a spot that reacted oddly with technology. He and his team studied the phenomenon and, eventually, were able to replicate it and implement it into a system. Before IVAR came to be, the phenomenon was referred to as the ‘God particle’. Though, since IVAR, it’s become less interesting or mystical.”

“Wait…” Oz holds up his hand, “IVAR was created from a natural phenomenon? Not something purely technological?”

“Yep.” Kendra smiles but doesn’t hold it for long.

I feel like there is an answer right on the tip of my tongue but I’m just not smart enough to get it. Although, if Oz isn’t piecing it together then I probably have no hope of doing so in the first place.

“What’s it matter?” Kade asks with a groan, “We’re out, aren’t we? We’re in the real world?”

Kendra laughs quietly and shakes her head. “Yeah, you are. I can’t be too upset about this freakishly powerful threat you faced since it saved me the trouble of having to figure out how to get you all out.”

“Did you have any idea how you were going to do that?” Oz questions as he sits up onto his knees.

“Um…not really, honestly.” She chuckles breathlessly as she wrings her hands together.

“You would have figured something out,” Starla defends her and rests her head against the woman’s shoulder. It’s a sweet gesture but I can’t say I have the same faith that she does.

No one says anything for a moment so I take the reprieve to observe my new surroundings. Mostly, I’ve just seen Kendra and her immediate area which is quite bleak. Other than her computer, there isn’t much of note. But, behind her, still covered in some shadow, is the outline of something long and smooth. I’ve never seen anything like it before but the sinking sensation in my gut tells me exactly what it is.

It’s large enough to fit a person inside and the closest comparison I have is to say that it looks like a tanning bed. A very technologically advanced tanning bed, that is. A few lights occasionally blink on the side of the device but it’s not so bright as to be distracting.

Kendra’s IVAR pod. I can’t look at it for longer than those few second so I turn my attention back to the group and decide to break the silence, “So, where are we, exactly?”

“My university apartment. But where isn’t nearly as important as when.”

My brow pinches together. “What does that mean?”

Kendra softly pushes Starla off of her in order to retrieve her computer. She stares at the corner of the screen and sighs. “According to this, it’s been two years since I went into IVAR. Now…maybe it’s wrong because I can’t imagine my laptop lasting two years and then just booting up without a problem after so long. But…I don’t really know for sure.”

“Your IVAR pod stayed on though, right? So someone must have been paying for your power,” Starla points out. Right after Kendra, she really does know the most about this stuff��I never would have considered that.

“Not necessarily,” Kendra counters, “unplugging an IVAR pod that’s in use can get you a manslaughter charge in some countries. You can plug in an external source to let the person in the pod know that they need to come out but just unplugging it can lead to death.”

“I feel a loophole in there somewhere,” Oz mentions with a face of intense concentration.

“Some people trying to evade the law will hop into an IVAR pod or people who are just trying to get away from financial troubles. It’s…a bit of a problem back home.” Kendra scratches the back of her head. “But, as I was saying, I haven’t been able to access the network on my laptop so I can’t verify what year it is.”

“We can just go out and ask around, can’t we?” Kade asks and we all look at him. I don’t know if anyone will say it but I’m sure we’re all thinking it.

Is he in any state to be talking to real people?

“If you let me take the lead, sure,” Kendra says it in a much nicer way and offers a smile.

She stands up and pulls back the blinds on her window. I see a faint light but it’s from a streetlamp. It’s pitch black otherwise.

“We can travel to a convenience store down the road. I need to get us some food too…” Kendra mumbles but her words fill me with urgency as I realize something that I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to think of.

I sit up straighter. “How could you have survived for years in that pod without food and water?”

Kendra laughs. “Oh—a lot of pods have life support functions. It’s…well, some from the states are being made without them to prevent the issues I mentioned earlier but all the old models have them.” She jerks her thumb over to the pod in the room. “I could spend the rest of my life in there if I want. And some people do.”

It sounds like a pretty bleak existence to me. Sure, IVAR might have every kind of entertainment one could imagine but what’s the point of wasting a very real, very fleeting life disconnected from others?

Just as I start to think this is something I would definitely never agree with, everyone else starts to stand. I guess we’re headed out.

Oz offers his hand and helps me to my feet. I’m still a little sore but I do suppose stretching my legs might do me some good.

Kendra leads the way out and we follow her down a couple flights of stairs and into a parking lot. It’s only half full and there is some trash scattered across the ground. I look around and only half pay attention to the conversation happening at my right.

“Think there will be an axe for me to pick up somewhere?” Kade asks and darts off, acting as if he’s actually about to search for one.

Oz chases him. “Kade, you cannot break more emergency glass here!”

They’re having fun—whether either of them will admit it or not—so I don’t worry myself over them any. My eyes, instead, find what I can only guess is an art piece on the grass beside the parking lot. It’s twice as tall as me and many times as wide, thin, and reflective. It’s in the shape of a wave and I’m drawn toward it.

Though, as I approach, I notice my reflection staring back at me.

It’s mildly distorted due to the curves in the structure but I see myself well enough.

I could have guessed that I still looked like Melvin but I still feel nothing but disappointment upon seeing that face on the surface. All those beautiful features have been replicated perfectly for this human body but I don’t want perfection.

I don’t want this body at all.

“Not feeling it?” Kendra’s voice at my side doesn’t really surprise me.

I just glance down at her and, for a second, I stare past her to see that Kade and Oz have been joined by Starla. They are actively talking and laughing. I’m sure they’re beyond excited to have succeeded in leaving IVAR. I can understand that to an extent but I don’t feel free at all.

“Um…I guess not,” I answer as I fix my eyes on her. “It might sound weird but I wish that flower had given me my old body instead of this one…”

Kendra shakes her head. “It doesn’t sound weird at all. I hated being in Bree’s body.”

I raise an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

She smiles at me and her deep brown eyes squint in the process. “Yeah. Bree was very hot, don’t get me wrong, and I think I’d always wondered, in a way, what it would be like to be someone who looked like her. I’ve always been a big girl and, for most of my life, I hated my body. So, being someone like Bree would be ideal for me, right? It’s like wish fulfillment.” She sighs. “But that wasn’t my body. I didn’t think I ever would but…I missed this. My body.”

While Kendra and I’s issues with our bodies might be different, I still understand. As Liam, I spent years and a lot of money changing my body so I could be happy with myself. And, while the final outcome wasn’t some perfect, chiseled male physique, it was still my body. It was who I could finally be happy inhabiting.

I know Liam is dead and I’m just his ghost living in a manufactured shell but that doesn’t mean I can’t miss what I once had.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to it,” I say as I stare at the reflection.

I don’t know if I want to either.

“What are you guys doing?” Starla asks as she, Kade, and Oz approach us.

“You’re supposed to be leading the way,” Kade mentions, staring specifically at Kendra.

She gives him a faint smile and nods. “Right. Let’s go.”

Like before, she steps to the front and Starla keeps close by her side. Kade falls in line after them and Oz lingers by me. He’s looking at me like he wants to say so many things but can’t decide where to start.

I worry what will come out when he finally opens his mouth.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

Mentally, I sigh, but I keep myself together on the outside. The corners of my lips twitch in an attempt at a smile and I nod. “I’m fine. Just…getting used to everything.”

We start to walk as well, keeping some distance between us and the rest of the group. Not too much to where we can’t keep up but enough to where we can have our own, private conversation in peace. Though I don’t really want to talk right now, I can appreciate the space.

“It is a lot,” Oswald agrees with me after a lull. He sighs as he looks out at the three ahead of us but then focuses on the ground directly under his feet. “I’m happy to be out of that cursed place but I still have so many questions. Questions I don’t think Kendra can answer…questions I’m not sure anyone can.”

That is just what he’s like, I’m tempted to say. Oz could be given the answers to the universe and life itself and he’d still have follow ups.

“I’d like to know who I was still,” he continues, “Even if I had nothing to do with your old life, I still want to know. I want to know about Kade too. And Starla. I want to know what that flower creature really is and how this ‘God particle’ came to be. Do you think there will be books about it here?”

“The God particle you mean? Yes,” I answer with certainty. The way Kendra spoke of it left little to doubt that there is copious research on the matter. When things settle down, I’m sure Oz will be in heaven with the amount of knowledge at his disposal. I don’t have to strain hard to imagine what he’ll be doing with his new life.

“It’s fascinating,” Oz whispers and I catch him rubbing along his chin from my peripherals. “Though, it all takes a back seat to getting things settled immediately. As much as I’d love to sit down with all the information I can find and start piecing things together, we have to acclimate to our new surroundings first.”

“Acclimate?” I repeat without really meaning to but it’s out of my mouth before I can stop it.

“You know, get used to everything. Find our place—”

“I know what it means, Oz,” I snap but immediately feel guilty due to the look on his face. I shake my head and let out a slow exhale. “Sorry,” I mutter, “I just don’t really know what I’m feeling right now.”

Oswald doesn’t take my lashing out personally which is a minor relief but he does set his hand on my shoulder. He squeezes with care and asks, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Part of me wishes he would just take offense to my distant and stand offish nature right now. I swallow down a lump in my throat and answer, “No. Maybe later.”

I doubt I’ll feel up to it later either but, maybe by then, he’ll forget that he even asked. It’s a foolish and, largely, self pitying thought but I also wonder if he’ll forget he even cared…

My head snaps up when a loud thumping sounds overhead. I (and everyone else) watch several helicopters pass over us. Just as they cross the horizon, a siren begins to blare and it’s so close and so loud that I have to clamp my hands over my ears.

We all look toward Kendra, hoping for answers but she seems just as upset by the commotion as we are.

And then the ground begins to shake.

My heart flies into my throat.

What is happening?