#and her process both writing / her background of getting into poetry why she writes what her brother's like...

[lazarusphenomenon]

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[draculeo]

As a muslim Iraqi American with a significant tumblr following, I feel as though I should let it be known exactly where I stand when it comes to Riordan’s statement about Samirah. I have copied and pasted it down below and my reaction to it will be written down below. This will be the first time I have read it. If you want to engage with me or tell me that I’m wrong, I expect you to be a muslim, hijabi, Iraqi American, and from Baghdad. If you are not, I suggest you sit down and keep quiet because you are not the authority on the way I should be represented.

Like many of my characters, Samirah was inspired by former students of mine. Over the course of my middle school teaching career, I worked with dozens of Muslim students and their families, representing the expanse of the Muslim world and both Shia and Sunni traditions. One of my most poignant memories about the September 11, 2001, attack of the World Trade Center was when a Muslima student burst into tears when she heard the news – not just because it was horrific, but also because she knew what it meant for her, her family, her faith. She had unwillingly become an ambassador to everyone she knew who, would have questions about how this attack happened and why the perpetrators called themselves “Muslim.” Her life had just become exponentially more difficult because of factors completely beyond her control. It was not right. It was not fair. And I wasn’t sure how to comfort or support her.

Starting off your statement with one of the most traumatic events in history for muslim Americans is already one of the most predictably bad moves he could pull. By starting off this way, you are acknowledging the fact that a) this t*rrorist attack is still the first thing you think of when you think of muslims and b) that those muslim students who you had prior to 9/11 occupied so little space in your mind that it took a national disaster for you to start to even try to empathize with them.

During the following years, I tried to be especially attuned to the needs of my Muslim students. I dealt with 9/11 the same way I deal with most things: by reading and learning more. When I taught world religions in social studies, I would talk to my Muslim students about Islam to make sure I was representing their experience correctly. They taught me quite a bit, which eventually contributed to my depiction of Samirah al-Abbas. As always, though, where I have made mistakes in my understanding, those mistakes are wholly on me.

As always, you have chosen to use “I based this character off my students” in order to justify the way they are written. News flash: you taught middle school children. Children who are already scrutinized and alienated and desperate to fit in. Of course their words shouldn’t be enough for you to decide you are representing them correctly, because they are still coming to terms with their identities and they are doing this in an environment where they are desperate to find the approval of white Americans. I know that as a child I would often tweak the way I explained my culture and religion to my teachers in order to gain their approval and avoid ruffling any feathers. They told you what they thought you’d want to hear because you are their teacher and hold a position of power over them and they both want your approval and want to avoid saying the wrong thing and having that hang over their heads every time they enter your classroom.

What did I read for research? I have read five different English interpretations of the Qur’an. (I understand the message is inseparable from the original Arabic, so it cannot be considered ‘translated’). I have read the entirety of the Sahih Bukhari and Sahih Muslim hadith collections. I’ve read three biographies of Prophet Muhammed (peace be upon him) and well over a dozen books about the history of Islam and modern Islam. I took a six-week course in Arabic. (I was not very good at it, but I found it fascinating). I fasted the month of Ramadan in solidarity with my students. I even memorized some of the surahs in Arabic because I found the poetry beautiful. (They’re a little rusty now, I’ll admit, but I can still recite al-Fātihah from memory.) I also read some anti-Islamic screeds written in the aftermath of 9/11 so I would understand what those commenters were saying about the religion, and indirectly, about my students. I get mad when people attack my students.

And yet here you are actively avoiding the criticism from those of us who could very well have been the children sitting in your classroom. 

The Quran is so deep and complex that its meanings are still being discovered to this day. Yes, reading these old scripts is a must for writing muslim characters, but you cannot claim to understand them without also holding active discussions with current scholars on how the Quran’s teachings apply today.

When preparing to write Samirah’s background, I drew on all of this, but also read many stories on Iraqi traditions and customs in particular and the experiences of immigrant families who came to the U.S. I figured out how Samirah’s history would intertwine with the Norse world through the medieval writer Ahmad ibn Fadhlan, her distant ancestor and one of the first outsiders to describe the Vikings in writing.  I knew Samirah would be a ferocious brave fighter who always stood for what was right. She would be an excellent student who had dreams of being an aviator. She would have a complicated personal situation to wrestle with, in that she’s a practicing Muslim who finds out Valhalla is a real place. Odin and Thor and Loki are still around. How do you reconcile that with your faith? Not only that, but her mom had a romance with Loki, who is her dad. Yikes.

First of all, writing this paragraph in the same tone you use to emulate a 12 year old is already disrespectful. “Yikes” is correct. You have committed serious transgressions and can’t even commit to acting serious and writing like the almost 60 year old man that you are. Tone tells the reader a lot, and your tone is telling me that you are explaining your mistakes the same way you tell your little stories: childishly and jokingly. 

Stories are not enough. They are not and never will be. Stories cannot even begin to pierce the rich culture and history and customs of Iraq. Iraq itself is not even homogenous enough for you to rely on these “Iraqi” stories. Someone’s story from Najaf is completely unique from someone from Baghdad or Nasriyyah or Basrah or Mosul. Add that to the fact that these stories are written with a certain audience in mind and you realize that there’s no way they can tell the whole story because at their core they are catering to a specific audience.

Yes, those are good, but they are meaningless without you consulting an actual Baghdadi and asking specific questions. You made conclusions and assumptions based on these stories when the obvious way to go was to consult someone from Baghdad every step of the writing process. Instead, you chose to trust the conclusions that you (a white man) drew from a handful of stories. Who are you to convey a muslim’s internal struggle when you did not even do the bare minimum and have an actual muslim read over your words?

Thankfully, the feedback from Muslim readers over the years to Samirah al-Abbas has been overwhelmingly positive. I have gotten so many letters and messages online from young fans, talking about how much it meant to them to see a hijabi character portrayed in a positive light in a ‘mainstream’ novel.

Yeah. Because we’re desperate, and half of them are children still developing their sense of self and critical reading skills. A starving man will thank you for moldy bread but that does not negate the mold. 

Some readers had questions, sure! The big mistake I will totally own, and which I have apologized for many times, was my statement that during the fasting hours of Ramadan, bathing (i.e. total immersion in water) was to be avoided. This was advice I had read on a Shia website when I myself was preparing to fast Ramadan. It is advice I followed for the entire month. Whoops! The intent behind that advice, as I understood it, was that if you totally immersed yourself during daylight hours, you might inadvertently get some water between your lips and invalidate your fast. But, as I have since learned, that was simply one teacher’s personal opinion, not a widespread practice. We have corrected this detail (which involved the deletion of one line) in future editions, but as I mentioned in my last post, you will still find it in copies since the vast majority of books are from the first printing.

This is actually really embarrassing for you and speaks to your lack of research and reading comprehension. It is true that for shia, immersion breaks one’s fast. If you had bothered to actually ask questions and use common sense, you would realize that this is referring to actions like swimming, where one’s whole body is underwater, rather than bathing. Did you not question the fact that the same religion that encourages the cleansing of oneself five times a day banned bathing during the holiest month? Yes, it was one teacher’s opinion, but you literally did not even take the time to fully understand that opinion before chucking it into your book.

Another question was about Samirah’s wearing of the hijab. To some readers, she seemed cavalier about when she would take it off and how she would wear it. It’s not my place to be prescriptive about proper hijab-wearing. As any Muslim knows, the custom and practice varies greatly from one country to another, and from one individual to another. I can, however, describe what I have seen in the U.S., and Samirah’s wearing of the hijab reflects the practice of some of my own students, so it seemed to be within the realm of reason for a third-generation Iraqi-American Muslima. Samirah would wear hijab most of the time — in public, at school, at mosque. She would probably but not always wear it in Valhalla, as she views this as her home, and the fallen warriors as her own kin. This is described in the Magnus Chase books. I also admit I just loved the idea of a Muslima whose hijab is a magic item that can camouflage her in times of need.

Before I get into this paragraph, Samirah is second generation. Her grandparents immigrated from Iraq. Her mother was first gen.

Once again, you turn to what you have seen from your students, who are literal children. They are in middle school while Samirah is in high school, so they are very obviously at different stages of development, both emotional and religious. If you had bothered to talk to adults who had gone through these stages, you would understand that often times young girls have stages where they “practice” hijab or wear it “part time”, very often in middle school. However, both her age and the way in which you described Samirah lead the reader to believe that she is a “full timer,” so you playing willy nilly with her scarf as a white man is gross.

For someone who claims to have read all of these religious texts, it’s funny that you choose to overlook the fact that “kin” is very specifically described. Muslims do not go around deciding who they consider “kin” or “family” to take off their hijab in front of. There is no excuse for including this in her character, especially since you claim to have carefully read the Quran and ahadith.

You have no place to “just love” any magical extension of the hijab until you approach it with respect. Point blank period. Especially when you have ascribed it a magical property that justifies her taking it on and off like it’s no big deal, especially when current media portrayals of hijab almost always revolve around it being removed. You are adding to the harmful portrayal and using your “fun little magic camoflauge” to excuse it.

As for her betrothal to Amir Fadhlan, only recently have I gotten any questions about this. My understanding from my readings, and from what I have been told by Muslims I know, is that arranged marriages are still quite common in many Muslim countries (not just Muslim countries, of course) and that these matches are sometimes negotiated by the families when the bride-to-be and groom-to-be are quite young. Prior to writing Magnus Chase, one of the complaints I often heard or read from Muslims is how Westerners tend to judge this custom and look down on it because it does not accord with Western ideas. Of course, arranged marriages carry the potential for abuse, especially if there is an age differential or the woman is not consulted. Child marriages are a huge problem. The arrangement of betrothals years in advance of the marriage, however, is an ancient custom in many cultures, and those people I know who were married in this way have shared with me how glad they were to have done it and how they believe the practice is unfairly villainized. My idea with Samirah was to flip the stereotype of the terrible abusive arranged match on its head, and show how it was possible that two people who actually love each other dearly might find happiness through this traditional custom when they have families that listen to their concerns and honor their wishes, and want them to be happy. Amir and Samirah are very distant cousins, yes. This, too, is hardly unusual in many cultures. They will not actually marry until they are both adults. But they have been betrothed since childhood, and respect and love each other. If that were not the case, my sense is that Samirah would only have to say something to her grandparents, and the match would be cancelled. Again, most of the comments I have received from Muslim readers have been to thank me for presenting traditional customs in a positive rather than a negative light, not judging them by Western standards. In no way do I condone child marriage, and that (to my mind) is not anywhere implied in the Magnus Chase books.

I simply can’t even begin to explain everything that is wrong with this paragraph. Here is a good post about how her getting engaged at 12 is absolutely wrong religiously and would not happen. Add that on to the fact that Samirah herself is second-generation (although Riordan calls her third generation in this post) and this practice isn’t super common even in first generation people (and for those that it DOES apply to, it is when they are old enough to be married and not literal children). 

As a white man you can’t flip the stereotype. You can’t. Even with tons of research you cannot assume the authority to “flip” a stereotype that does not affect you because you will never come close to truly understanding it inside and out. Instead of flipping a stereotype, Rick fed into it and provided more fodder to the flames and added on to it to make it even worse.

I would be uncomfortable with a white author writing about arranged marriages in brown tradition no matter the context, but for him to offhandedly include it in a children’s book where it is badly explained and barely touched on is inexcusable. Your target audience is children who will no doubt overlook your clumsy attempt at flipping stereotypes.

It does not matter what your mind thinks you are implying. Rick Riordan is not your target audience, children are. So you cannot brush this away by stating that you did not see the harm done by your writing. You are almost 60 years old. Maybe you can read in between your lines, but I guarantee your target audience largely cannot.

Finally, recently someone on Twitter decided to screenshot a passage out-of-context from Ship of the Deadwhere Magnus hears Samirah use the phrase “Allahu Akbar,” and the only context he has ever heard it in before was in news reports when some Western reporter would be talking about a terrorist attack. Here is the passage in full:

Samirah: “My dad may have power over me because he’s my dad. But he’s not the biggest power. Allahu akbar.”

I knew that term, but I’d never heard Sam use it before. I’ll admit it gave me an instinctive jolt in the gut. The news media loved to talk about how terrorists would say that right before they did something horrible and blew people up. I wasn’t going to mention that to Sam. I imagined she was painfully aware.

She couldn’t walk the streets of Boston in her hijab most days without somebody screaming at her to go home, and (if she was in a bad mood) she’d scream back, “I’m from Dorchester!”

“Yeah,” I said. “That means God is great, right?”

Sam shook her head. “That’s a slightly inaccurate translation. It means God is greater.”

“Than what?”

“Everything. The whole point of saying it is to remind yourself that God is greater than whatever you are facing—your fears, your problems, your thirst, your hunger, your anger.

337-338

To me, this is Samirah educating Magnus, and through him the readers, about what this phrase actually means and the religious significance it carries. I think the expression is beautiful and profound. However, like a lot of Americans, Magnus has grown up only hearing about it in a negative context from the news. For him to think: “I had never heard that phrase, and it carried absolutely no negative connotations!” would be silly and unrealistic. This is a teachable moment between two characters, two friends who respect each other despite how different they are. Magnus learns something beautiful and true about Samirah’s religion, and hopefully so do the readers. If that strikes you as Islamophobic in its full context, or if Samirah seems like a hurtful stereotype . . . all I can say is I strongly disagree.

I will give you some credit here in that I mostly agree with this scene. The phrase does carry negative connotations with many white people and I do not fault you for explaining it the way you did. However, don’t try to sneak in that last sentence like we won’t notice. You have no place to decide whether or not Samirah’s character as a whole is harmful and stereotypical. 

It is 2 am and that is all I have the willpower to address. This is messy and this is long and this is not well worded, but this had to be addressed. I do not speak for every muslim, both world wide and within this online community, but these were my raw reactions to his statement. I have been working on and will continue to work on a masterpost of Samirah Al-Abbas as I work through the books, but for now, let it be known that Riordan has bastardized my identity and continues to excuse himself and profit off of enforcing harmful stereotypes. Good night.

[currentlyprocrastinating]

:DD ✨

hello, friend!! thank you for the ask ^^

warning: i tend to ramble 😂

🍄 — In practicality, Squirrel prefers snacks that will keep her hands relatively clean, and snacks that have an "endless" quality (i.e. a bag of chips). She likes to snack while she's working idly on something, or just watching videos or a movie, etc. As for her taste/texture preferences... She likes a variety of chips. Lay's, tortilla, blue tortilla... salty stuff. She is lowkey obsessed with chips and guac lol. She likes fruity snacks, too, and sweet-ish snack/granola bars. Baby carrots, too, are an easy go-to for her: healthy, satisfying crunch, that "endless" quality, etc. There are dozens of other snacks types that she likes, but these are her common and favourite ones :)

Her comfort food is 100%, without a doubt, cheesy pastas. Especially white cheddars, alfredo, parmesan, etc. From the classic mac-n-cheese, to tortellini or fettuccine dishes. She knows they're awful for her and that too much will lead to mood swings, but they are her guilty pleasure for sure.

So, she does make her own meals, since she lives on her own. Her mom, who lives in the States, gets food package deliveries semi-weekly, and sends her pictures of the ingredients/instructions card whenever she thinks Squirrel might enjoy the recipe. Squirrel isn't exactly a wonder in the kitchen, but she's excellent at executing exactly what is asked of her (especially when she doesn't have outside pressures, such as working with another person in the kitchen). So, for the most part, her meals turn out decent to pretty good. One of her favourite meals to make, in regards to the process, is butter chicken (I believe it is called that), down to making the sauce itself. It always feels rewarding to her in the end, and it's a familiar dish tied to her time back at home. There's a lot of positive memories to go along with it, and it's a process where she can easily turn on a video in the background and not horribly mess up the dish (or pause the video every few minutes).

The last question in this section... I kind of touched on it in the previous paragraphs. But to be succinct (hopefully, lol) — Squirrel is kind of in the middle. She sometimes finds midnight/late night cooking (especially with specific instructions to follow) enjoyable, but she ultimately prefers quicker meals. (In part, due to executive dysfunction.) She does, however, really enjoy baking, even though she doesn't do it often. And she happily disregards every "don't eat the dough/batter" warning ^^

🌸 — I'll try to keep this as concise as possible! :)

Music, both playing it and listening to it. Its a staple in her life: good background, good inspiration, affects her moods, allows her to relate, allows her to daydream to a tune. Pretty much the typical reasoning!

Cats. They are cute as heck and very entertaining. She owns two of them.

Animals in general! Because why not? Animals are so diverse and so different and thus very interesting to her.

Stand-up comedy. She loves a good laugh.

Making people laugh.

Writing short stories and poetry, both as an outlet and as a way to entertain people. (She mainly utilizes her short stories for the latter, and keeps most of her poetry to herself.)

Photography. Capturing moments, even ones that seem insignificant, in her phone or camera. Experimenting with posing and lighting and angles. All that funt stuff.

Plants! She's always loved plants, including indoor plants. And her grandmother's hyper-realistic sugar flowers! She's not an expert on them, and she's also not the best at taking care of plants, but she keeps them alive lol. No reason in particular for her affinity towards them, she just loves nature and its beauty and strangeness.

Saeran Choi. Quite frankly, she's both head over heels for him and utterly obsessed. I think this one explains itself >u0

🌻 — Squirrel has a keen eye. It's a natural skill for her, and has been cultivated by all the training she's gone through, as well as a full year of job experience in her position. So, she very easily picks up on tiny, nuanced details — sometimes pointless information, sometimes a small piece to a significant puzzle.

On top of that, she's always taken delight in strange things — found interest or fascination in things that, for some or most, might be perfectly normal.

She likes to pick out details from others' slight body language or slight shift in expression. A glimmer in their eyes, a twitch of the finger. She likes when she can worm her way into another's potential thoughts to better understand them.

And she likes to take note of those unique quirks and ticks and tells that everyone has. When they happen, what they mean...

As for the world around her... she finds beauty in small things. In slight differences in angles. In tints of strange colour. In plants and backdrops, in unconventionally appealing structures... It's a little hard to explain. She also keeps herself humble, staying grateful for her life situation (food, shelter, a well-paying job, etc.) and soaks in those quiet moments sitting next to her cats...

[Questions from here!]

[comradelup]

fuck it. balance youtuber au because i’ve been thinking about it

(modern au with no magic but still elves/dwarves/etc)

the twins have a joint channel but they post things together as often as they make videos on their own. they do vlogs, story times, and challenge videos both together and not, but do stuff with fashion/makeup together. taako does cooking on his own and lup does chemistry experiments that involve fire more often than not. if someone says they like the twins’ videos it’s a wild card as to what they watch them for, but everyone ends up liking all of their content because who can hate the twins? they have a lot of “annoying influencer” energy but are actually really nice to fans/people in general and donate a lot of their Youtube Money to charities and stuff (all of the ipre does this too because fuck rich people except for them)

magnus’ channel is mostly woodworking/construction projects. he does occasional story times and in every one he’s carving and/or painting a wooden duck. he does vlogs too and half of them are him buying more woodworking stuff (idk shit about it so idk what he’d get lol) and the other half have a part where he sees someone walking a dog and him going to meet them. almost every video includes/mentions julia and people make “magnus talking about julia” compilations bc he loves his wife and talks about her all the time. he’s very positive in general and everyone loves how he’s a human golden retriever

merle’s channel is 99% gardening, 1% collating with the others. he made one joke along the lines of plant fucking and it was not serious at all but his subscribers/followers made into such a big joke that he makes at least one joke per video except for when his kids are in the video, which is when he makes it suuuper educational and fun and wholesome. mookie tries to eat the plants and play with the soil and mavis tells her dad about what she’s learned about biology in school. also he puts “(emotional)” and “(not clickbait)” at the end of video titles randomly despite knowing what they mean

barry’s channel is science-centric (yes he collabs with lup frequently) but about more feilds of science. sometimes he goes on rants about theoretical physics like a madman a la bdg’s unraveled series and sometimes he makes videos titled “making the volcano kitchen experiment but the size of a kiddie pool (emotional).” he also has a series about paranormal activity/cryptids, stuff like “why ghosts should be and are real” and “my top five favorite pieces of bigfoot evidence” and like i said this is a no magic au but he once was asked in a q&a about what he’d do if he was a lich and gave a surprisingly detailed response? people were really confused but intrigued?? did barry invent magic???

lucretia 100% has an art channel, but she also writes prose and poetry in her free time and sometimes reads them for videos. she posts speedpaints of her work (digital and traditional) with her telling her process/inspiration or doing story times as the background audio. she had a period of time where she started writing a whole novel in her spare time (basically the balance story but different characters) and all her videos were her making concept art. her fans loved it and boosted it to the point where it actually got published, so now she’s a best selling author with a seven book series. now she keeps making videos of her concept art for other book ideas (the other arcs) with her infodumping about the characters/plot/etc

davenport doesn’t actually have a channel, but has been in the background of all the others’ videos to the point where he’s treated like a cryptid and has a small fanbase of his own. he’s mostly in merle’s videos (because they’re dating) and magnus’ vlogs (because magnus Loves His Friends) but he’s been in at least a handful of everyone’s videos. he makes a twitter and instantly gets thousands of followers. he tweets the most random shit at the most random times and half of them become memes. people find out he’s a professor at the college the rest of them met at and everyone looses it

kravitz is in a similar position as davenport, but he was convinced to start a channel. he mostly does stuff involving antiques because he collects them, so he does haul videos of what he bought or thrifted and videos of him restoring them as he looks up how old they were and what random shit they were used for and stuff. people make compilations of him getting off topic and going on a tangent about taako then realizing he just rambled for ten minutes and getting flustered. he also plays a handful of classical instruments and makes occasional collabs with lup + barry

despite having completely different channels they’re all friends??? people didn’t know at first but they found out through davenport and kravitz “this one guy who i think is dating taako but i’m not sure and idk his name” showing up in everyone’s videos. from then on they started collabing more often and it’s really fun to see them outside of their element. lup once almost burnt down magnus’ workshop while making a chemistry video with him. taako tried to teach kravitz how to make macaroons (keyword: tried) and kravitz talked about this new antique shop he found the whole time. barry went on and on and on about biology while gardening with merle, who tried to follow along but failed and ended up making fun of all the scientific names for plants

they call themselves the red robes after the main characters in lucretia’s novel (they’re not similar to the characters but there’s seven of them and six youtubers + one davenport)

they once did a big group collab where the twins dressed everyone up in high fashion outfits and lucretia painted a big portrait of all of them. it was very wholesome but also had a lot of lup and taako arguing over what accessory fits who and “no this person should do their hair like this!” and at one point magnus and kravitz just dipped to go play cards and talk about dogs

speaking of wholesome angus has a channel of his own which is mostly booktube with him getting halfway through a mystery novel, predicting the ending, and being 100% correct. he’s done videos with the others and is kinda associated with them but not totally, and is often lovingly referred to as the nephew to the rest of them

killian and carey don’t have a channel but are in the bg of magnus’ videos often. they were referred to as “magnus’ lesbian friends” until they got popular on instagram and became an internet power couple. johann has a small channel and a soundcloud he plays violin on and did one (1) collab with lup and it made him blow up overnight. avi has a semi-popular twitter and is mostly known as johann’s bf. sloane and hurley have a channel about drag racing/cars in general and don’t show their faces and go by the raven and ram

i was trying to think of who’d have a gaming channel and it’s 100% graham, who casually mentions that he’s friends with Pro Wrestler Jess The Beheader

lucas has a science focused channel similar to barry’s where he tries to be educational and ends up being annoying/kind of wrong about it. barry has a mini series called “lucas miller is a bitch here’s why” and it’s him disproving lucas’ theories with a deadpan expression and generally being better at science than him

remember when i said taako and lup have influencer energy despite being nice? yeah, lydia and edward are like that but they’re actually annoying. they have a popular makeup/fashion channel and lup and taako have gotten into slight drama with them over how the wonderland twins have been rude to them and the how the red robe twins are “jealous.” the internet is divided over who likes which pair of twins better

lup learns that greg fucking grimauldis (who the twins knew in high school) has a popular twitter/insta platform and tweets the “i am to collect” speech out of nowhere from everyone’s pov. taako tweets the video he took of him telling her and her immediately going “no fucking way that ASSHOLE is getting away with what he did to me” and opening twitter. it becomes a meme and he pays her back and changes his social media handles to “gregfuckinggrimauldis”

i can’t think of anything else because i don’t know enough about youtube but yeah.

[blushing-starker]

Hey! Just quickly sneaking in here to tell you you are adorable and wonderful! I know the struggle you are in right now so well!

What goes through your mind? What is your favourite movie? And what's the best (your favourite) starker prompt you ever received, read or asked?

I send you a big hug...

...okay forget that hug, I send you tons of hugs 🥰

🦉

An owl! A pretty owl! I love owls! Ah, I'm blushing, thanks love😘 praise and validation are better than any caffeine.

Oh favorite movie. Definitely Inkheart. I enjoy (adore, worship) Princess Bride but it's too short for what I need. Inception is great yet it's not exactly for any mood. Same with The mummy with Rachel Weisz. they're great movies and I love them! But inkheart is an any day movie, you know. I definitely recommend it. And the book too!

Um, @professional-benaddict 's little Peter are to die for. She fulfils her prompts beautifully. And my god, rafni sure knows how to wreck my heart with the darker fics. The one with mafia boss Stephen and Tony, well the ones with those two and sub or little Peter are heaven.

@starkeristheendgame does such glorious works of art that I always have to take a minute to breathe afterwards. She's one of my go to blogs, actually. The one with god!Tony had me up in the morning and I screamed at her for all of five minutes because of it.

@starkerflowers this angel has such a wonderful understanding of the dynamics between starker both in and out of canon. Every single fic nails it, that characterisation is to die for. And such variety too. But like. Flowers daddy!Tony has me wheezing, ok!

@sinditia listen. Listen. I am so enraged at the fact that her recent series, the rewrite of hc, iw, and endgame, the one I've been reblogging whose name I'm too sleep deprived to remember, I'm so sorry, doesn't have more notes because Jesus Christ, get her a meeting with sony. The plot, the characters and their relationships, the banter, the dialogue, the descriptions, the heartache, the WHUMP. just, do yourself a favor and read it. You'll cry but we can cry together.

@vaguekiwi just. I cant. I won't do any homework if I say how much I love gracie's work. Like, glass ceilings and bedframes (why can't I remember the complete titles, jesus)? and under a violet rain? Excuse me ma'am, you wanna let me breathe? Hold on to your seats, ladies and gentlemen, as we take a ride to whump town. After that, the tour through incredible attention to detail and well planned plot. Around lunch time, symbolism. So much symbolism it hurts to feast on such beauty. Ah, but don't forget, AMAZING GODDAMN DYNAMICS THAT HAVE ME SHRIEKING. Right. The end of the ride stops at. Oh look. It doesn't stop.

@cagestark she could write one paragraph and it would have me sobbing. I mean, the mafia au fics alone are a monument to her skills. I've re-read them five times over. The tone, the atmosphere, the sheer complexity in the story, the hurt and the development of feelings that don't just come out of nowhere, the process of falling in love. It makes me fall in love.

@tonystarkisaslut they ripped out my heart and made me eat it with the divorce fic. Of course, there are like fifty other gorgeous works but. That fic. I needed kleenex. I accent even read it completely because I'm afraid I'll finish all the tissues in the house. The characterization, they were so them and so true to what they thought, and the flashbacks never seen out of place and morgan, and the nicknames, and Peter's hurt and Tony s reaction and the realization that he wouldn't be spending so much time with her. I cant.

@twokinkybeans jar of dirt. The kinktober card fills and the exposition of these characters to new situations they never even dreamed about. But. jar of dirt. Jar of Dirt. JAR OF DIRT. Puppy Peter alone? Had me screaming? The openness of these two characters? Their love for each other? How they always made sure they were safe? Their trust? The fact that they felt safe enough to say this isn't really comfy in any and all moments? How theres aftercare? And pure love that isn't entirely based on sexual aspects? 100000000000/10

I could keep going but I've spent nearly two hours here so saving for next time. The favorite one I received was the Pepper x Peter one, actually. It lead me to Priceless Peter Parker and that in turn gave me the confidence for Pretty little muse, won't you be my lover? I would have never started posting starker on ao3 if it weren't for that prompt. I'm incredibly grateful for it.

I dont think this is what you had in mind, but thank you so much for the ask and the hugs, dear one. I needed them this week😘💓

I almost forgot!

@petersmocha jae has created so many beautiful fics that it's impossible to pinpoint my favorite. All of her works are absolutely mesmerizing and in point with the prompts. (But her little Peter is precious af, I squeal whenever she posts something sweet with him and his kind daddy!tony) (and the text messages! so much talent! so many plot points I didn't expect! When her sub!Peter shyly admits he's into iron daddy! How Tony never makes him feel bad about it! How he's like, babe, I feel the same way! How he disciplines peter! How Peter follows!)

@vanillapeter van does such great moodboards! I love them with all my heart! The penguin one is my fave! Her choice for the pics! The lighting! The quality! The lovely drabbles! How she makes sure the story is clear! How pure and innocent her Peter is! The softness of it! The joy I get when she pops into my dash! Her early bday gift I have as my background! Her understanding of colors!

@starkermoodboards THE PLOT I GET FROM JUST A GLANCE! she's been on a roll and I can't choose my fave! The colors! The back story! How it all fits like a puzzle piece! The delicacy of peter! And then bam! The strength from peter! The banter between starker! I adore!

@heyimstarker JESYS EVERYTHING! From all the fandoms! The angst! The feels! The ache! The burn! The slow slow romance that lights me on fire! THE PROSE AND POETRY! The elegance! The way it can enrapture me! The understanding of the characters!

[ambitiousskychild]

Peacock

“Cardinal,” Stan decides.

“Why?” Bev asks suspiciously.

“It’s the red hair,” Richie chimes in, loud and brash. Stan glares at him, though Bev nods, looking cheated. Her gaze slides back over to Stan.

“It’s not,” Stan starts, “just your hair. It’s the males with all that red, anyway.”

“Then what is it?” Bev presses.

“A lot of things! Like—you’re sociable like cardinals are,” Stan explains excitedly like he does. “They interact with any other kind of bird—they’re friendly, like you. And they’re popular like you. They’re the state bird of a couple of states. And they’re really striking in the winter,” he says, and leaves it there. Richie thinks they all must be thinking about that whole winter fire, January embers thing but don’t want to embarrass Ben.

Bev hums to herself, mulling it over, and after a moment’s deliberation, she nods. “Okay, I’ll take it.”

“Thank you,” Stan rolls his eyes. He picks back up his magazine from the dirt floor and sinks deeper into the beanbag. “Sometimes I know a thing or two.”

“Hey, hang on,” Richie snaps, and nearly topples both he and Eddie out of the hammock trying to sit himself upright. “You’re forgetting something, Staniel,” he tells him, though the longer he looks at Stan’s smug face, he doesn’t think he did.

He’d assigned everyone else a bird, not that he’d necessarily wanted to. Admittedly, they all kind of bugged him into it, Bev pushing the hardest, and Stan had held his ground until Bill got on board, saying it’d be fun to know, and then suddenly, Stan turned full bird encyclopedia.

Ben, Stan said just minutes ago, is a mourning dove because they’re a little timid, but can make a home anywhere. Because they’re brownish-grey like trees or most fences, but still easily identifiable because of little details they can’t really hide, and their woeful cooing is a lot like Ben’s poetry.

Bill’s a blue jay, Stan said, and then wouldn’t really expound upon it, dropping his gaze down to his knees and going a bit red in the face. Richie doesn’t think it’s an astoundingly smart observation on his part, but he sees the way Stan gets himself lost in Bill’s big blue eyes sometimes and thinks maybe that’s that.

Mike is a goldfinch, sunny and golden like living breathing sunshine, he’d said, also red-faced. And Eddie is a hummingbird for obvious tiny, angry, quick-tempered reasons that Eddie very vocally resented.

When pressed, Stan classified himself as a crow. Richie thinks that that’s because he thinks he’s mean, but Richie himself thinks Stan is a crow because he’s so smart. Then, of course, he listed Bev as a cardinal—friendly, and stunning, and fiery. Fine, good, fun, but now apparently, he’s trying to cheat Richie for some reason, and that’s not going to fucking fly.

“So what about me, huh?” Richie presses as Stan stares at him from over the top of his magazine. “Come on, Stan, lay it on me, I’m not gonna be mad,” Richie crows. He folds his arms behind his head and kicks his foot against the ground to sway the hammock, watches the way Eddie scowls at his comic because of it. “I bet I already know what I am, huh? A big ole’ blue tit—”

“Peacock,” Stan deadpans, and he lowers his magazine just to unblinkingly stare at him, and Richie falters, stops kicking his foot for half a second but he catches himself.

“O-ho-ho, Stanley, I promise you nothing about it is pea-sized.”

The clubhouse groans in union.

“Shut up, Richie,” Eddie hisses, kicking at him with his sock-clad foot as Richie cackles and grabs him around the ankle. He grabs the other ankle too and makes a show of trying to toss him out of the hammock as Eddie shrieks at him to stop.

“That’s not the reason,” Stan says evenly, knowingly, over the commotion.

“Is it because I’m so pretty?” Richie grins, tickling Eddie behind the knees. Eddie laughs so hard he snorts. Richie keeps doing it.

“It’s because you fucking dress like one,” Eddie grits out through his laughter, kicking at him again, and Richie gets ready to start the entire tickling process all over again, but Stan shoots him a look.

“Did you know that peacocks fake being sexually active?” he asks, drops it like a bombshell and the clubhouse goes quiet. “Yeah, they do their mating call and yell and scream until peahens come check it out and then they try to seduce them all.”

“Oh, shit,” Mike scoffs behind his hand.

Slowly, the rest of them also fall to pieces.

“And you think that sounds like me?” Richie demands, dramatic on purpose. He looks accusingly around at each of his snickering, back-stabbing friends. “Wow. Betrayed by a bunch of virgins.”

“Uh-huh,” Bill smirks. “S-sounds like peacock talk to m-me.”

“You do need attention,” Bev cuts in, “like, constantly.”

Mike nods vigorously. “Sometimes you strut.”

“Oh ha-ha, assholes, I don’t need that much attention,” Richie laughs, though he feels a little flushed beneath his smile, feels just a little too seen. “Who else’s attention do I need anyway but Eddie’s mom’s, huh?” he laughs, catches Eddie’s ankle again as it swings at him.

“Well, you’re half right,” Stan says in his knowing blasé way, and it makes Richie freeze right up.

He knows Eddie feels it. He can’t lift his gaze from his hands as he tries to think of some witty comeback but comes up blank in his terror. He feels like they’re all watching him yank his hand from Eddie’s skin. He risks a glance across the hammock at Eddie who’s already staring back at him with thick, furrowed brows. Richie drops his gaze again, face warming and warming.

“Wait, you guys think my poetry is sad?” Ben demands suddenly.

Richie snaps his attention up to see a subtly smiling Ben. He shoots Richie a small thumbs-up and Richie smiles gratefully back.

“It’s n-not that it’s sad,” Bill starts, already pretentious as he always is when it comes to writing, and Richie sighs out loud when the conversation takes off in that direction, fades into the background.

Then Eddie taps the heel of his foot gently against his shoulder, gives Richie half a second to nearly panic about it as the others get downright loud around them before lightly tapping at his shoulder again.

“Hey,” he says, when Richie finds the courage to drag his eyes up to his face, only to be shocked at how pink it is. “Just so you know, like. For the record and everything. I always liked peacocks,” he admits lowly, eyes jumping all around the room as his cheeks flush redder and redder. “They’re pretty,” he says, and Richie grins. His heart skips a beat.

“Aw,” he coos, heart racing all over again. He almost wants to be embarrassed about it, but he’s an expert in making his own embarrassment Eddie’s problem by now. “What a sweet little hummingbird.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Eddie snaps, but his hand finds Richie’s between them, out of view.

[lifeinahole27]

CS ff: “Walking the Tightrope” (Chapter 8/10) (au)

Summary: Killian’s daily routines are a matter of habit. When he wakes up late one morning, his routines all change for the better. Emma doesn’t care about routines, but she does care about Killian, no matter how reluctant she is to admit it to herself.

Rating: E (the content warnings matter this time!)

Content Warnings:  Please be aware that this chapter discusses professor/student relations in the past, non-consensual pictures in the past, and some present, consensual, loving, and happy sexual relations. Gotta find a balance somehow. (This chapter also nicknamed "The One where Sarah calls out a shitty storyline from FRIENDS.)

A Special Thank You: My continued gratitude to my lovely friends, @captainstudmuffin and @phiralovesloki. And a heap of love to @captainswanbigbang for putting this together and helping me accomplish this.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 |

Find it on Ao3 & FFN!

-x-

Chapter 8: Unearthed

It takes time, but they both manage to get out some of the difficult parts of their pasts. Emma tells Killian snippets of her former relationships, including why she ran from Henry the first time she saw him. Graham’s story is kept brief, Walsh is brushed off as a bad experience. Killian is patient about it, holding her hand and listening closely. She can see the questions forming behind his eyes, but he never pushes for more info than she’s willing to share. 

He’s hiding bits of his own past, too. He’s very open about the accident that took his hand, how he grew up in Liam’s shadow but preferred it that way, and his strong passions for fiction and poetry. But when it comes to information about his time in university, she sees the way his shoulders tense. There’s a lack of enthusiasm when he speaks of his master’s studies. She’s seen the picture of him at graduation that sits in his office. She knows there’s more to the story. 

They’re watching television one night, background noise as he works on some edits. With the money they got for upgrades, Emma purchased a shiny new laptop, one specifically loaded with the software to digitize the town’s records, and so they work on their own stuff together. 

Something on the screen that neither of them are glued to must catch his attention, however. It’s a rerun, something that used to be popular but has now reached syndication and thus plays on every channel when there’s downtime. It’s something Emma’s seen enough times that she knows the general storyline without really even paying attention. It’s the one where a professor starts a relationship with a student. 

While she’s mostly tuning it out, it seems Killian is finally tuning in, and she looks up as he lurches for her television remote and hits the power button. His breathing is visibly quicker than it should be. Even when the screen goes dark, there’s a tension around his eyes she has never seen before. 

“You okay?” she asks, mostly because she’s not sure he remembers she’s there right now.

He shakes himself a little bit, brushing off the moment for all she can tell, before he turns to her. “Hate this show,” he responds. 

“It’s been on for the last hour.”

As he focuses on her face, she can see the moment he sheds whatever was trying to creep up on him. “I was pretty deep in my work. I do apologize, love.” He’s lying, but she’s willing to let it go if it’s something from his past that he doesn’t want to talk about. 

“Hey, no worries.” She reaches out, squeezing his bicep once for comfort. “You want coffee? Tea?”

“I’ll get it. What would you like?”

“Surprise me,” she says, knowing that he’ll bring back the hot chocolate he knows she loves. 

By the time he returns, the tightness on his face has eased up a bit, but it’s replaced with something she would call contemplation. “Swan, I want to tell you a little piece of my past, but I hope you won’t judge me too hard or let it change the way you feel about me.”

“A little ominous, but okay. Go for it.”

“Back in university, I was involved with one of my professors.”

Emma takes a moment to let it absorb, trying not to flinch or let her facial expressions change at all. It’s his past, and she knows just as well that those moments shouldn’t define the current moment. 

“Tell me about it?”

“As you know, Liam convinced me to enroll in university as a way to pull me out of my slump after I lost my hand. He helped find out if I could take my classes online since I wasn’t ready to go out into the world.”

Emma reaches over, closing her fingers over the hook attachment he has on today. It’s become second nature, but sometimes she wants to tell him without words that she accepts him for who he is and this is one of those moments.

“Eventually, I was comfortable going to classes on campus. I was engrossed in all things to do with writing and literature and editing, and knew that’s the direction I wanted to take. And then I met Milah, one of the professors for a professional writing class. And she was just that for a while, and then when I entered into my master’s studies, we sort of…crossed the boundaries when she was helping me with a project.”

“Milah was married, is married, though they are separated. Her husband, some wealthy bastard, agreed that if she was discreet that they could see other people. He wasn’t anticipating that she would take up with a student, former or otherwise.

“What did he do?”

“Threatened to expose the affair to the university. Milah would’ve been fired. I would’ve likely been expelled. He said he would divorce her and cut her off from his wealth. He only agreed to back off when Milah and I split and I filed to finish my master’s online, much as I began the whole journey.”

“Was the money that important to her?” It’s the question that hits; she can tell immediately.

He grimaces before answering. “She liked to pretend it wasn’t. Painted herself as a free spirit that didn’t need wealth. But it didn’t stop her from walking away from me like it meant nothing.”

Without even prodding, Emma can see that the story isn’t done. She adjusts her grip on him and waits for him to continue.

“I almost didn’t finish my degree after that. I started drinking heavily every chance I got. Took Liam a couple weeks to figure out what was going on, pried out what had happened, and then intervened. He’s the only reason I still completed my coursework.”

“He sounds like a good brother.”

“Right pain in the arse, but yes, he is.” 

“You really loved her?”

“Aye. She’s the only person outside my own family that I ever professed my love for.” He’s quiet for a moment before meeting her eyes once more. “Have you ever been in love, Swan?”

“Maybe I thought I was, once,” she admits. Mostly, she realizes that the feelings she thought she had for Neal and the ones she told Walsh she had were nothing compared to the way Killian makes her feel. “Thanks for sharing all of this with me.”

“I figured you should know,” he tells her, simple as that. 

When Friday rolls around, she’s all set to join her boyfriend and friends in public. Normally, Emma would be one of the first to ditch out on work and get to their usual spot in the bar, but tonight she’s working with Belle to relabel and organize their filing system. Previously, their idea of “orderly” bordered on chaos, and they had trouble keeping track of just about everything. Along with the digital system, they decided to reconfigure the physical records as well. 

They’re in the process of fixing the system when Emma’s email account dings, and she glances at it briefly to make sure it’s nothing important before they get back to work.

What she finds, instead, is a message with a link to a website. Normally, she would write this off as a spam account, but there’s no fill-in-the-blank recipient. There’s no lead-up to the message at all. Just the words written below a link: You’ll have to trust me. Type in code 92574. Check Maine.

With a heavy amount of trepidation, Emma clicks the link and follows the instructions. Her brows furrow as she tries to process what she’s looking at, but it appears to be some kind of personal page, with links to the fifty states. Finding Maine in the list, she clicks it, and almost immediately drops her phone as if burned.

“Oh my fucking god,” she mutters, her vision blurring around the edges.

“Emma is - oh! Oh my goodness!” Belle immediately backs away from the glance she’s just stolen at Emma’s unlocked phone on her desk, looking back at Emma with horror and surprise in her eyes. “What…. What is all that?”

“Something I was told was destroyed a long time ago,” Emma says, her voice shaking and her body feeling heavy and weak all at once. “Can you drive stick?” Her phone finally goes dark and auto-locks, and she’s honestly not sure if she can feel her face right now.

“I’ll text Will and let him know we’re on our way.”

-x- December 13: Friday

The last few weeks since Thanksgiving have been some of the best in Killian’s life. While the project of Henry’s novella is speeding up in momentum and racing towards the end, he and Emma have been taking things at their own pace and enjoying every moment together that they can.

It’s getting easier for them to talk about their pasts. From their shared lack of parentage to finally breaking the barrier of previous relationships, he knows they’ve both made great strides. Being able to tell her about Milah and not have her go running for the hills was admittedly a huge relief, and he only hopes that she’ll trust him to open up about anything she’s still holding out.

Normally, when they go out on Fridays, Emma is right by his side when he enters the bar. While Emma is working with Belle, he and Will have gone to the bar early to have their own catch-up until everyone else arrives. 

They each spend a fair amount of time grousing about work, about late nights and tired eyes and how much they love their jobs despite their words. And they also spend just as much time talking about the women in their lives. He’s happy to see Will as content as he is. He also knows that, despite the strange and often passive-aggressive friendship between the two of them, Will is happy to see Killian with Emma.

About an hour after they sit down, Will gets a text from Belle saying that the two women are on their way. They each share a look, automatically noticing that something feels off, but unable to tell what. That sensation is amplified by the look on Belle’s face when she arrives with Emma not far behind.

There’s a tightness around her eyes that Killian has never seen the soft-spoken woman have before. Emma is just behind her, with her arms crossed over her chest and a look that he would best describe as being a cross between solemn and murderous. Only his girlfriend could manage that combination of expressions. 

“All right, Swan?”

“No. Not all right. Can uh, can we go back to my place?”

“Sure. Let me just -”

“I’ve got the tab. Go on,” Will says, his thick eyebrows drawn together. 

The Bug is waiting for them when they get out, still running. Clearly, she hadn’t intended on spending long inside whether he was coming with her or not.

They’re silent on the drive back to her place, and even while they make the trek up to her loft. She’s quiet as she unwraps her scarf and kicks off her boots, all with deliberate and jerky movements. 

“I have to kind of process through something,” she says, her voice thick with a myriad of emotions. “I don’t wanna talk. I don’t really want to do anything at all. But will you stay with me?”

“I’m here as long as you’ll have me. Whatever you need,” he tells her, making sure to catch her eyes so she knows he’s being honest. 

Wordlessly, she locks the door before she leads him upstairs. 

While Killian is normally the one with the carefully crafted routines - which, admittedly, have taken a backseat to finally relaxing and enjoying his time here in Storybrooke - there are certain things that Emma does every morning and every night as far as her own rituals command. He has never seen her go straight to her room without carefully scrubbing her face and teeth and removing her contacts. 

Usually, she also takes that time to braid her hair to keep it from tangling too much while she sleeps, but tonight she leaves it hanging free, and he’s surprised when she only shucks off her clothes and pulls on a t-shirt before climbing into her bed. 

Following suit, Killian removes his clothes and quickly folds them, leaving them on the cedar chest by the bottom of her bed as he usually does when he stays over before he climbs under the covers. Immediately, Emma is shifting until she’s pressed against him, her ear over his heart and her arm wrapped tightly around his midsection. 

“You won’t leave?”

“Only if you tell me to,” he admits, hoping that it’s what she needs to hear. Her grip only tightens, and he decides to stay awake as long as he can to make sure she’s all right. 

He must doze off because he wakes again to Emma’s lips pressed against his, her hand sliding into his boxers to stroke him awake. As soon as he’s aware of it, he’s kissing her back, helping her push down his boxers before she hastily rips off her own underwear and finds a condom. This is not how they usually have sex - he recognizes it immediately - but even as he hesitates, he hears her whispers.

“Please - I know, please, I just need…”

He responds by pulling her closer, kissing her as hard as she was kissing him to let her know he’s on board. She slides on top of him, gripping his hand like a lifeline and rocking against him as if it’s her one salvation. He can feel the panic and anger with each move of her hips above him and he just holds on, hopes she can feel the reassurance radiating from him, hopes she feels that he’s an anchor she can trust - that he’ll be with her no matter what this all means.

When they’re both sated, she collapses onto his chest, and to his surprise he feels the quiet sobs wracking through her body a few heartbeats later. She only really cries when she’s angry - she admitted as much to him some time ago when they were trying to decipher the use of pathos in commercials. He wraps his arms around her, running his hand soothingly over the small of her back and whispering anything he thinks may bring her back to him.

“I’m sorry,” she finally says, her voice hoarse. “I’m sorry that wasn’t… I basically just used you to fuck away my anger and that’s not…”

“Swan,” he says quietly, releasing his hold on her so he can coax her to look at him. “No apologies necessary, love.” 

With hasty swipes, she dries her face. “I’m just so mad right now.”

“Will you tell me what about?”

“Just… give me a couple more minutes,” she says, sliding off of him and climbing off the bed. He hears her footsteps retreating down the stairs and the door to the lavatory close. 

He takes a deep breath, pushing himself to sit up, turning on the light beside her bed and grabbing a couple tissues to clean himself up. He slips his boxers back up while he’s at it before sliding between the sheets again. 

When she returns to her bedroom, her hair is tied up and her robe is wrapped around her like body armor. She must’ve used the time to scrub the last of her makeup off, as well, and his heart stutters a beat to see her looking so down but still so beautiful. She climbs up, sitting next to him at the head of the bed with her legs crossed at the ankles. 

He’s watching her carefully, trying to not pressure her to talk but wishing she would say anything at this point, as the silence is slowly pressing in around them. 

“My last ex was the absolute worst,” she finally starts, fingers fiddling with the ties on her robe. “Worse than Neal, obviously. And worse than I ever thought he was when I found him cheating on me the day that Ruth died.”

He’s quiet, understanding that now is not the time for empty condolences for either incident. Instead, he reaches out and places his hand on her knee.

“He was a shitty antiques dealer down in Boston, never wanted to come up here to visit, never wanted to be seen with me, it seemed like. And unfortunately, he kept a lot of mementos from our time together.”

“How so?”

“You know how I told you I burned my uniform a couple years ago?”

He nods in response, tilting his head and wondering just where this could be going. She’d told him the beige monster was uncomfortable and unflattering, saying that any photographic evidence of the uniform in question was destroyed along with it.

“Well, I left a tiny part out,” she admits, looking over at him briefly.

“Nothing you tell me is going to run me off, Swan. I promise.”

With a bracing breath, she nods, focusing back on her hands in her lap. “I used to wear a uniform. Took it down to Boston with me because I was supposed to go straight to work the day I left his place. And he wanted to see it on. We were joking around and having fun.” She stops, grimacing and visibly willing her face to relax a moment later. “I let him take pictures. He had this fancy photo printer so he had physical copies and deleted them after they were done. At least, that’s what he swore he did. Just like everything else, it turns out that was a lie. 

“Emma?”

“He has a website. A fucking website with all of us.”

“All of who?”

“Every girl he fucked in the year that he and I were together, according to the site description. He proposed to me, you know, right before we ended things. I was going to say yes but told him to give me some time. Ruth passed away about a week after he asked me and I drove all the way to Boston because I wanted… needed the person that claimed to love me. And he was in the middle of fucking another woman when I walked in the door. I told him to give me the photos before I left while this redhead sat naked on his bed and watched me gather my stuff.”

“And you got the physical ones from him?”

“Yeah, no surprise he lied about those being the only copies. He kept them in the top drawer of his dresser, so now I have to wonder where the rest are kept. The day after Ruth’s funeral, I burned the uniform - with David’s permission and minimal questions asked - and the photos.”

She goes quiet after saying that, not really keen on making eye contact for the moment. Killian takes the opportunity to gather the words he wants to say, trying to find the best order of questions and statements. 

“You know that none of this is your fault, right? Nor do I blame you or feel any differently towards you because of your past.”

Emma sniffs at that, a half-hearted attempt at acknowledgement, so Killian leans closer and turns her face to his so he can plant a kiss on her lips. 

“I mean it, Emma. This is on that wanker, not you at all.” 

Her lips thin out for a second, but ultimately she nods and leans forward to give him another kiss. 

“Now, will you tell me about how you found this all out?”

“I got an email while Belle and I were working on our little project. I figured it was spam at first but it just had this link to a website called ‘Banging U.S.A.’ and some instructions for a passcode and a state. When I clicked, there was a whole lot more of me than I expected to see. He must’ve been taking pictures through the whole thing, since not all of them were ones he printed and showed me later.”

“So some taken without your knowledge or consent? How much worse can this guy get?”

“Oh, it still gets worse. I tried not to click on anything else, but I ended up on the newly launched world edition,” she says with quotes around the words. “Without really thinking, I clicked on this little British flag and there was the woman I found him with. She was clearly far more into the photography thing than I was.”

“Bad, but how is that worse?”

“In the first three pictures, you can see one of my t-shirts on the dresser. In the others, it’s gone. Which means he went right back to fucking her as soon as I left his place with my stuff.”

“Definitely worse,” Killain mutters, drawing his hand over his face in disbelief. 

“And we all had subtitles. Hers was the Wicked Witch of the West… and my South Pole.”

“Ouch.”

“Mine was Officer Tie-Me-Down and Fuck-Me-Up.”

“Bloody hell, Swan, how much villainy can one man possess?”

“Apparently, his cup runneth over.��

“Clearly.” They fall silent for a moment, until Emma’s head tilts over to rest on his shoulder. “Any idea what you’ll do about it?” he asks after letting her mull for a moment.

“No fucking clue.”

He shifts in order to kiss the top of her head, pulling her closer when she pushes her way under his arm. It’s still hours more before either of them fall asleep again.

-x- December 14: Saturday

When Killian wakes up again, it’s to the sound of Emma’s voice floating up from down below.

“I know, and I’m sorry for bailing without letting you know,” she says. “I had something come up.”

With much effort, Killian hauls himself out of the bed, pulling on his undershirt before making his way downstairs. 

“No, it’s kind of why I was calling, though. Do you still have that phone number for James?”

Whatever response David must have for that is lengthy and aggravating, judging by the look on Emma’s face when Killian makes it to the main floor. She looks up and gives him a wan smile, pulling the phone away from her ear long enough to lean up and give him a kiss on the cheek. Dave’s voice is, indeed, squawking out quite the storm from the earpiece, and Killian does nothing more than raise an eyebrow in question before giving her a kiss of his own and moving towards the coffee pot. 

“Well, when you calm down about that, give me a call back. I need his number and you’ll agree with me when I tell you why.”

Her phone clatters to the table but she’s already moving towards where Killian is standing against the kitchen counter. 

“Good morning,” she says, leaning up and pulling him down to give him a much warmer, much more thorough kiss. 

“Same to you. Feeling a little better?”

“More like a fire’s been lit under my ass and I have a plan. I have to swing by my brother’s place to harass him about our other asshole brother. Want me to drop you at home?”

“If it wouldn’t be too much trouble, I need to head to the office to finish up the last of the preparations and my notes for the party on Friday.”

“No trouble at all. Wanna get breakfast along the way?”

“Food and time with my girlfriend? Only a fool would refuse such blessings.” 

When they part ways, he’s amazed at the clear change in mindset she’s gone through in less than twelve hours. Even as she kisses him goodbye, there’s determination burning in her eyes. 

-x-

It takes roughly forty minutes of needling David before he finally caves and gives her the phone number James had called from once, on accident, a couple years ago. She’s plugging it into her phone and hitting ‘call’ before she’s even halfway out of David’s workshop, taking the steps two at a time to get to the first floor. 

“Don’t hang up,” Emma says as soon as James answers.

“Emma?”

“You mean you actually have my number saved in your phone?”

“I’m sure that’s surprising but yeah, makes it easier to call you if I need to ask for money.”

“Ah, you haven’t changed a bit,” Emma responds, rolling her eyes at his words. 

David reaches for the phone when he gets to the kitchen but Emma bats his hand away. 

“I’m guessing you’re the one that needs something if you’re calling me.”

“You’re still in Boston, right?”

“And what if I am?”

“You still have that fancy talent at hacking computers and websites?”

“Listen, I haven’t done anything wrong. I stopped doing all that ages ago.”

“I don’t care if you’re a law-abiding citizen,” Emma snaps. “I need someone who doesn’t care about the law.”

“So the wonder twins need my help because I don’t follow the rules?”

“Pretty much. I have an ex that needs to be taught a lesson.”

“Fine. Come down here next Friday and I’ll see what I can do. If you’ll do something for me,” he adds at the very end.

“Like what?”

“We’ll discuss my terms on Friday.”

“I have a party…”

“Oh? You have a party?” His tone is mocking, and Emma swallows back the retort she wants to spit at him.

“Fine. Fine. I’ll be there. David is coming with me. You do the job, I’ll repay you however you want me to, and then I never have to see you again.”

“Sounds good to me,” James singsongs. “I’ll text you the address. See you Friday, little sis.”

“That guy’s the worst,” Emma snaps when the call ends. “How is he your fucking twin?”

David just shrugs. “And this is why I didn’t want you to call him. Are you going to tell me what’s going on now?”

“You have to promise you aren’t going to have a coronary or something, okay?”

“Go for it. I will… do my best.”

She takes a deep breath before she urges him to sit down while she starts to tell him what she’s just found out.

To give him some credit, he doesn’t completely lose it. But he does turn an interesting shade of purple at the news that there’s a website that has pornographic photographs of his sister. Trying to get around those words is possibly the most mortifying thing she’s ever been through, until David opens his mouth when she’s done speaking.

“Has Killian seen this site?”

“God, David. No. And he won’t if I have anything to do with it. I’m not going to show my boyfriend pictures of me fucking another guy,” she screeches, standing and stomping over to their coffeemaker to indulge in more caffeine. 

She doesn’t really want to tell James the same news. She doesn’t want to tell him more than she absolutely has to, but she also needs the skillset he picked up from being a generally bad person in order to get this chapter of her life wiped from existence. 

Unfortunately, it’s going to mean missing the one thing she was looking forward to since Killian first told her about it. 

She stops by his office to see him next, admiring the way he looks when he’s deeply concentrating. She can also see just how much he’s put into decorating his office in the time they’ve been together. She remembers stark walls and an empty desk. Now, his degrees are hanging, along with a few artistic prints of book covers. His desk is similarly fuller, with picture frames and small knick knacks beyond the single one that used to be there.

With one more bracing breath, she prepares to go in. He’s going to understand, because he already knows what’s going on, but she hates to disappoint him.

“Swan?”

She’s knocked from her idle watching by him softly saying her name.

“Everything all right?”

“Yeah,” she says, walking in and shutting the door. She moves around to lean on the edge of his desk right in front of him. “But I have some bad news. I can’t come to the debut on Friday. That’s when my creep-o brother can help me out. I’ll have to be in Boston.”

His face falls, the disappointment clear, but his hand reaches out and brushes along hers. “As much as I’m sad you won’t be with me, I know it’s for a bigger purpose. Is this evil twin in law? Law enforcement?”

Emma’s face freezes, realizing that she never shared with him how she planned on having James help her. 

“Okay, long story short? James is really good at being a bad guy.”

To his credit, Killian listens with full attention as she launches into her plan and doesn’t even call her crazy.

“Barring any legal repercussions from this Walsh, I find no fault in this plan.”

“I’m pretty sure with James’ help, I won’t have to worry about him trying to come back at us.” At her reassurances, Killian nods in what she hopes is approval. “Should I let you get back to work?”

Slowly, he eases her off the desk and into his lap. “Maybe in a moment or two?”

It’s a question, leaving the answer in her court. 

“I’d be happy if it goes a little longer than a moment,” Emma responds, settling herself fully into his lap and chuckling at the look in his eyes. She pulls her shirt over her head, reaching behind her to unhook her bra. 

“I like to think we’re making up for all those times we’ve been interrupted,” Killian says before sucking a nipple into his mouth.

Straight to the point. She’s glad she locked the door when she closed it.

-x-

Chapter 8

[shemakesmusic-uk]

This segment features artists who have submitted their tracks/videos to She Makes Music. If you would like to be featured here then please send an e-mail to shemakesmusic@hotmail.com. We look forward to hearing from you!

Bayleigh Cheek

Dallas native Bayleigh Cheek began her love affair with music at an early age thanks to her immersive upbringing. Both parents were in the music scene, exposing her to a variety of sounds ranging from psychedelic and folk to progressive rock and new wave. Some of her personal music influences include Patti Smith, P.J. Harvey, Radiohead, and Angel Olsen. Those influences led to the creation of her EP, Immortals, that was self-released in early 2020 which brought her DOMA nominations for Best New Artist and Best EP. Her latest single is ‘Release Me’. "This song is about what it means to realize you've believed a lie, or false identity of yourself, and the process of becoming free from it and knowing the truth,” explains Bayleigh. “Growing up listening to a range of genres, from psychedelic and folk to progressive rock and new wave, ‘Release Me’ opened my eyes to the world of synths and everything electronics can provide to create a whole new universe of sound. Taking something seemingly fun and cheerful on the outside, and revealing something deeper on the inside. Before I started writing my upcoming debut album, I decided to be more vulnerable, honest and raw. I've hidden behind surrealism, which is still a big part of my art and always will be, but in light of the pandemic, I felt I needed to really let myself be open and not hide anymore. I'm becoming the person I've always wanted to become, and art will always be there as gentle reminders." Listen below.

Bayleigh Cheek · Release Me

Cozy Slippers

Cozy Slippers have released their first new music since 2019’s single ‘A Million Pieces’ b/w ‘Will You Disappear?’ (Kleine Untergrund Schallplatten) and the band’s tour of the United Kingdom. Like everyone else, the Seattle indie band had to adapt to the challenges of 2020 and beyond. ‘When Will When Come?’ is the first release to come from a year’s worth of home recordings done by the band. “We started from scratch. We didn’t have any gear and hadn’t really thought about recording ourselves before. It was so great to escape the stressful outside world for a while by recording and meeting on Zoom to put it all together,” explains vocalist and bassist Sarah Engel. While the band couldn’t be in the same room at the same time, they made use of samples from their prior recordings in order to stamp their sound and personality on the song. “We did whatever we could to get this thing recorded. Some of the vocals I recorded into my phone while sitting alone in my car or late at night when everybody else was asleep. It was a challenge to find space to be creative and alone time to make the recording happen during the past year,” remembers drummer and vocalist Barbara Barrilleaux. The track was mixed by Dylan Wall (Versing, Great Grandpa, and High Sunn).  Lyrically, ‘When Will When Come?’ is a plea from one person to another to embrace life’s messy possibilities -- to live before it is too late. Instead of participating in their own life, the subject of the song stares out a window and fantasizes about pink flamingos.  “I remember the first time I heard Sarah singing the lyrics. I thought the idea of somebody daydreaming about traveling to see flamingos was weirdly sad. Flamingos look cool, but the world has a lot of other things I’d want to see before a bunch of birds. It seemed poignant to have such a relatively small wish and still be unwilling to make it reality,” recalls guitarist Steven Skelton. Listen below.

Cozy Slippers · When Will When Come?

Everstill

New York-based alternative rock band Everstill have released ‘In Your Dreams,’ their first single off their debut album, Longing. Singer-songwriter and multi-instrumentalist Sara Aridi (vocals, bass, guitars, keys) weaves her melodic guitars and haunting vocal harmonies with percussionist Luca Bertaglia’s pulsating drums to evoke sounds that are at once melancholic and euphoric. The group draws from disparate influences and genres including grunge, indie rock, jazz, metal, folk and more. ‘In Your Dreams,’ recalls artists like Warpaint, Wolf Alice and Chelsea Wolfe. Aridi wrote the song — something of a seductive plea to an unknowing crush — in 2015. A year later she met Bertaglia while playing in an alt-prog band, and the pair reconnected in early 2020 to bring her songs to life. They found themselves working on their debut album during the pandemic. Listen to ‘In Your Dreams’ below.

Everstill · In Your Dreams

No Lore

No Lore is unlike any other indie alt-pop duo. It all started when Manila-based visual artist Tita Halaman decided to make music out of her paintings and poetry with her brother Jerald. As an artist, she wants to elevate her audience’s experience by expounding the message of her paintings through the art of words and sound. No Lore’s goal is to continuously release a new song with a painting every month and to publish a book out of it. The band name No Lore comes from the concept of having no formal studies in visual art, music, and poetry. Both Tita Halaman and Jerald are self-taught and everything is D.I.Y. from ideation to audio and video production. New single ‘With Little Light’ is “a song about courage,” explains Tita. “I believe there is no such thing as complete darkness to a soul that thrives to seek for “light” everywhere. With all that’s happening these days, I hope that we can still see hope no matter how little it may seem. Hope prevails if we believe. I’m a visual artist here in the Philippines and my signature style is writing poems at the back of my paintings,” she continues of her creative process. “On top of that, me and my brother Jerald are also into music - we’ve been playing together and learning different instruments since we were kids. No Lore is our attempt to create a layered expression of our emotions. I’d say our songs are my art and poetry, but in sonic form. Every song is inspired by a specific painting of mine and the latter serves as the former’s cover art.” Listen to ‘With Little Light’ below.

Another Nguyen

Ngoc-Anh is a Vietnamese German independent artist from Berlin performing under the name Another Nguyen. She has just released her new single ‘My Friend’ which was entirely written, produced, mixed and mastered by women. She says of the song: “I wrote this song after a friend of mine opened up to me that her long-term partner was physically abusive towards her. Hearing her story was shocking because I had always perceived them as a very happy couple. With this song I want to tell my friend and anyone who has experienced intimate partner violence that "I see you" and "You are not alone". Listen below.

ANOTHER NGUYEN · My Friend

Noni A.

‘20s’ is the new single from the Berlin-based artist Noni A. Written in her bedroom and turned into a chill pop production by her brother, ‘20s’ talks about the aspects in your twenties that happen in the background but are not often addressed. 21-year-old singer-songwriter Noni A was born and raised in Prague in a German-Greek household. In 2020 Noni A. released her debut single ‘Losing Game’, an acoustic pop ballad. Currently based in Berlin, Noni dives into a different sonic direction in her new music. Inspired by the sound of Jeremy Zucker, Audrey Mika and Quinn XCII, Noni A. blends emotionally honest and unreserved lyrics with a clean and minimalist chill pop production. With her new single ‘20s’, Noni A. takes a new sonic direction. '20s' dives into the chill pop scene, including lo-fi elements, more samples, underlined by a strong beat. "I walked into my kitchen one evening and had absolutely no motivation to clean it,” says Noni A. “Apparently when you’re 20 that becomes a regular activity (cheers to my mom for letting me live blissfully unaware of this and cleaning up my stuff too). This realisation of my day-to-day life as a 20-something-year-old turned into the inspiration of '20s'. This song talks about all those things that everyone experiences in their twenties that happen in the background of our lives: moving out of your hometown, adjusting to life on your own, procrastinating (if you say you don't procrastinate, stop lying) and learning how to use your washing machine (in my opinion a straight-up mystery)." Listen below.

Noni A. · NONI A - 20s

Chrissie Huntley

One of Bristol’s most promising new artists, Chrissie Huntley has released her brand new single, ‘Supposed to Be’. Huntley decided to use the time granted by national lockdowns to her advantage. Collaborating with musicians across the globe and transforming her closet into a home studio, Chrissie has spent the past year equipping herself with a brand new body of work to return to the stage with later in 2021. ‘Supposed to Be’ is the first of a series of single releases set for release this year, and is one that the Brit School graduate holds close to her heart: “‘Supposed to Be’ is one of the first songs I ever wrote when I was a teenager and I just got dumped by the guy who I thought was supposed to be “the one”. I think we’ve all been in that position where you know that it’s over, but you just want to hold on and pretend just a little while longer…” Recorded in Bristol with upcoming songwriter and producer Laurence Fazakerley Buglass, the track demonstrates why Chrissie’s effortless vocals have had such an effect on her audience to date. Working with rising producers Jon Will, Gabriel Gifford (Harvey Causon, Maya Law, Lucy Lu) and Peter Beckmann (Gregory Porter, Laura Mvula, Marie Dahlstrom) to bring the song to life; ‘Supposed to Be’ is the perfect balance of collective ingenuity, creativity and talent...  mixed with the exposed, emotional honesty that comes with having your heart broken. “... It’s a very vulnerable track I suppose. It was very raw at the time of writing and I never had any intention of releasing it- it was more like a therapy to me than anything else. But, seven years later and here we are! Releasing this as an introduction to my new sound seemed like the perfect fit, as it holds the part of me that first turned to music at a time where I was struggling, which went on to become the entire premise of my musical journey..." Listen below.

Karen Harding

Weaving enchanting melodies straight from the heart, Karen Harding crafts, intimate heartfelt tracks that help us become ones with ourselves. The kind of one-to-one soul conversations that dig deep into our hearts and wake emotions once thought long gone. She specializes in helping people shed away their insecurities and finally feel again in a special moment of true authenticity. Drawing from a lifetime of experience, the Melbourne-based singer crafts bittersweet melodies that move and inspire. She gorgeously crafts an entire experience with every timeless track she creates. The emerging singer has just  released her debut track ‘I Didn’t Realise’. The heartbreak ballad talks on the struggle of an earth shatteringly painful breakup in a way so intimate it feels like we’re right there with her. It’s a reflective song that navigates us through every raw emotion during the healing process; from processing the pain to finally coming to terms with what’s happened. Truly a breath-taking journey that will leave you with a deep sense of wonder. The song was passionately penned in the peak of Covid-19 on a piano she played growing up. Like much of her music it came to her very organically. She had the chords already laid out and the words just flowed out of her soul naturally. It wasn’t created with the intention of being turned into a record. Rather it was a simple moment of self-expression based on the way she currently felt. The result is something deeply authentic that’s oozing in originality. She worked with acclaimed producer Josh Hennessy of Pivotal Music to bring the project to life. He helped add the magic to this simplistic yet innovative piano and vocal track. Listen below.

KarenHarding · I Didn't Realise

[onestowatch]

Caity Krone Is the Songwriter Making Timeless Pop Ballads

Influenced by Laurel Canyon folk and current icons like Adele and Feist, Caity Krone is a rising songwriter with a flair for timeless pop ballads. With tracks like her first single “Thank You for the Sunday Paper” and her latest “I’ve Been Lonely,” her work is seemingly suspended above the trendy, often kitchy-ness of indie pop today. Growing up as an avid reader of poetry and short stories, Krone’s “I’ve Been Lonely,” proves her devotion to lyricism and to creating music that lasts longer than its three minutes and twenty-one seconds.

A dream-like story of what could’ve been, “I’ve Been Lonely” feels incredibly vulnerable with lines like “I’ve been underwater since we met.” Often using vivid imagery, Caity Krone’s words are clearly influenced not only by the reading she did in childhood but also by her career as a music photographer. A way to fund her own artist career, Krone has taken countless photos for up-and-coming musicians in Los Angeles, and she has used her background in photography to create stunning music videos to accompany her work, including for her most recent release “I’ve Been Lonely.”

Ones to Watch got to speak with Caity Krone to discuss her latest single, how she blends her photography with her music, and the best advice she’s been given as a songwriter.

Your latest single “I’ve Been Lonely” feels incredibly personal, could you walk me through the story your lyrics are telling?

Caity: We started I’ve Been Lonely in late 2017, and at the time it was me daydreaming about being in a relationship with this person, trying to sonically paint how it would feel to be with them. I listened to it and I felt in love, but I also felt like the weight of longing for it and how shut out I felt. I spent the following two years writing and recording, and the process made me start trusting myself and believing in the fact that I deserved something real instead of spending all my time trying to change myself into someone for the sake of someone else, and that my songs deserved someone who stood behind them rather than building her dreams around someone who didn’t want her. I felt a new sense of belief in my work, it felt like I could breathe again. When we finally recorded ‘I’ve Been Lonely’, the producer Will kind of said to me “this song needs another section, and you need to admit that this whole song is an idealization of a person rather than a relationship with them”, and I sang “I’ve been underwater since we met”, because that’s exactly how it felt.

Do the stories in your songs always draw from personal experience or are you also inspired by outside influences?

Lyrically there’s been a lot of escapism, and a lot of longing to be a part of things that I’ve idealized far past the point of reality.  I build stories from that, and sometimes try and incorporate elements of fantasy to support feelings and experiences that are very real. I’ve only recently started to write about my life and past experiences in a more straightforward way. A few weeks ago, my friend Jensen said to me, “You need to write about your life and the life that will have you, not the one that leaves you out”, and it really made an impact on the perspective of my writing.

You’ve said your love of music and songwriting was inspired by the Laurel Canyon folk scene, why have these artists been so particularly influential to you? And do you have a particular favorite artist from this scene?

The intersection of rock with traditional folk storytelling and harmony is something that I’ve always been drawn to, especially being in the concert choir in high school. Joni Mitchell and Carole King are my lodestars when it comes to the songwriting, but I also have a real soft spot for the romanticism of Graham Nash demos.

Apart from your music, you take photos for other artists. Did your background in photography impact the music video you made for “I’ve Been Lonely”?

Yes! I’ve been able to meet so many incredibly talented photographers and videographers through my work in photography, as well as learn so much about what styles would suit my music. I love the inherent character that film has, so incorporating Super8 and Camcorder footage was our way of doing that without the budget to shoot entirely on film. I love the pastels of Kodak Portra, and Ashley Kickliter brought out that dream-like quality in all of the digital footage through her color work.

You began songwriting at 15; what is the part of crafting a song that comes most naturally to you and why?

Growing up I always loved writing short stories, poetry, and persuasive essays, so the lyrics come most naturally to me. I’m learning chord theory now, and finally getting to a comfortable place playing guitar, so I’m hoping that adds some confidence to those elements of my writing process.

This is your second release in 2020, following your single “Thank You For The Sunday Paper,” can we expect more singles or a larger project coming later this year?

Both “I’ve Been Lonely” and “Thank You for the Sunday Paper” are off of the debut EP, Work of Art, that I’m releasing this summer.

What does a typical day look like in quarantine for you?

I really like the quiet of the mornings, so I try and wake up, make my breakfast and coffee, and kill an episode of Gilmore Girls. I’m re-watching it from the start. I’ve been doing a ton of walking and listening to my friends’ playlists to find new music or deep cuts from artists I already love while I walk. I’ve also been taking virtual guitar lessons, which has led to more writing than before. Trying to find the balance between evaluating the fear that is behind me not doing what I love regularly without expecting myself to be productive all the time.

Who are your Ones to Watch?

Jensen McRae and Georgia Greene - two of my favorite vocalists and storytellers in the world, who I am also so lucky to call my friends. I also have been loving Jeff Pianki (his new song Bad Timing’ is so great) and Remi Wolf (her new song Disco Man - insane)

[tiantianxuexi]

开卷有益: Always a good time for books!

Wow it’s summer!! But no classes also sometimes means you kind of fall off the language wagon :/ a nice way to maintain momentum but not get too brain fried is to read works in translation, or works about china/the sinosphere. This can help remind you why you started learning or just kind of fill out fun background knowledge and maybe pick up a few things. a mish mash selection (mostly amazon links but then you have the isbn for your library or pdfing or w/e):

Free online Paper Republic focuses on Chinese translations, Asymptote Journal is also wonderful and has work from not only Mandarin but Cantonese, Uyghur, and more! 

The Four Classic Novels You don’t need to read these, straight up it’s ok. That said, they are referenced a lot and work their way into things, and for the most part are just fun stories. Most have multiple translations, I’m linking to one but feel free to poke around

Dream of The Red Chamber (Story of the Stone)

Water Margin

Journey to the West (or abridged ver, or really, this is what Dragonball is based on)

Romance of the Three Kingdoms (also a tv version from 2010 on youtube)

More Fiction There is no real logic to this selection  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Legends of the Condor Heroes - very popular wuxia novels

Lu Xun - A Madman’s Diary, etc. A founding story in the vernacularization movement. It’s possible to find bilingual copies of much of his work, but because he was a pioneer in the early not-Classical Chinese writing movement (白话) his writing is not what is now considered “standard Mandarin.” It’s decently easy to read, but maybe don’t learn grammar from it (another: 孔乙己)

Chronicle of a Blood Merchant - Yu Hua 

Beijing Comrades - gay and graphic in moments, so originally published anonymously online

Notes of a Crocodile - Qiu Miaojin, a “cult classic” 

The Chilli Bean Paste Clan - Yan Ge

Frontier - Can Xue (she has also written short stories)

Running Through Beijing - Xu Zechen 

Red Peonies: Two Novellas of China - Zhang Yihe has written quite a few stories about women from her time in prison during the Cultural Revolution, and while censored in China they are popular elsewhere. (careful tho some have only been translated into French so far but might look like English titles)

The Tibetan Suitcase -  I was actually trying to remember the name of a different book, but also this looks good too

Short Story Collections

King of Trees - Ah Cheng

Love in a Fallen City - Eileen Chang

Cantonese Love Stories - Dung Kai-Cheung (more city romantic than people)

The Wandering Earth - Liu Cixin. (havn’t seen the movie but it is on netflix) I really enjoyed the Three Body Problem series, especially the first one as it actually starts a bit in the past, but if you’re not sure about scifi his stories are a good place to start and I think are a sort of look at some Chinese approaches to tech that vary from the “colonialism in space” style of a lot of Western scifi. 

There are also lots of anthologies out there (boo).

Poetry

Anthology of Modern Chinese Poetry

Words from the Fire: Poems by Jidi Majia - Jidi Majia is from the Yi minority group (which has its own alphabet!) and he incorporates elements unique to it

The Poem Behind The Poem: Translating Asian Poetry 

Non-Fiction

The Private Life of Chairman Mao - written by Mao’s doctor, prof recommended this as a kind of fun/interesting read

Shanzai - Byung-Chul Han, short but a thing I think about a lot

The East is Black: Cold War China in the Black Radical Imagination

Age of Ambition - Evan Osnos. I found Osnos through this New Yorker article (long but worth it) and I think he brings both nuanced analysis (apparently difficult for some western journalists ఠ ͟ಠ) and engaging story telling

The State, Identity, and the National Question in China and Japan

Creativity Class: Art School and Cultural Work in Post-socialist China

The Birth of Chinese Feminism - Lydia Liu (I’m taking a class with her next semester I’m so excited and nervous)

The Chinese Typewriter - Thomas Mullaney. one of my favorite books, also about technology/media/info processing with great history work

An Anatomy of Chinese

Sound and Script in Chinese Diaspora 

Multilingualism In China - Zhou  (you can tell these are kind of linguistic-y but I’ve tried to choose ones I think are approachable)

Lin Shu Inc: Translation and the Making of Modern Chinese Culture - did you know Uncle Tom’s Cabin was a big hit in China? neither did I

China’s Design Revolution - honestly this book was a mixed bag, only bother if you find it in the library or used or something

A Short History of Chinese Philosophy  - bilingual! even if you plan to read Zhuangzi or something on its own I recommend some sort of contextual history help to get the most out of it (we used this in a class)

There’s so much out there but hopefully this gets you grazing in the right direction! 

[bloodfcst-a]

GET TO KNOW THE BLOGGER.

✧ can be used for RP and non-RP blogs to get to know a bit about the person behind the screen!

1. FIRST NAME:  i used to go by my middle name, nina, but now i go by pacifica or paci.

2. STRANGE FACT ABOUT YOURSELF: i have a bunch of weird ailments that honestly are just wild. like sometimes my nerves make me spasm or collapse or i’ll become hyperflexible. my kidneys decided they were lonely so they are... snuggled together... and i’ve had cancer a few times. it’s exhausting. 

3. TOP THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU FIND ATTRACTIVE ON A PERSON:  - smile /  facial features. outside of aesthetics, you can tell if someone is superficial or genuine through the intensity of their smile, or if they’re fabricating their appearance or background. i wouldn’t want someone to pretend for me. i want them to be how they are. - personal care. i don’t have preferences on hair / grooming outside of being well-kempt. file your nails & clean them ( like if ur a mechanic or factory worker or other types of physical labor, i get it-- but like an office worker with black nails? ick ), brush/comb/finger detangle/style your hair, make sure your clothes are reasonably presentable... clean, like you actively tried to come up with an ensemble. - physique. not saying people need to be like 8 pack or straight out the gym. nor am i saying i need someone to be like mega massive or mega thin. but preferably someone who like... is comfortable in the skin they’re in, and cares about their body. at the least, cares about what goes in their body and how much their body does for them. 

4. A FOOD YOU COULD EAT FOREVER AND NOT GET BORED OF:  haribo snacks.

5. A FOOD YOU HATE: i cannot handle the smell of mustard or mayonnaise. i will literally walk out of a room.

6. GUILTY PLEASURE:  i try to cut out needless carbs and snack foods, but y’all........ throw some good naan or pita at me and i’m a sucker. i love my hot cheetos and takis, pls don’t take them from me.

7. WHAT DO YOU SLEEP IN:  a sweater and panties tbh. i’ve turned into that basic single person in their 20s. if i’m cold i’ll throw on sweatpants too.

8. SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS OR FLINGS:  i vastly prefer serious relationships, but there’s got to be a lot of build up to it for me to pursue someone in that manner. that being said, idk why, apparently i seem unapproachable or intimidating, but i’ve always had to ask out the person i liked.... ask me out first, u fools. i’ve tried to do flings but like i always feel guilty afterward bc i’m not invested, i just pretend hoping maybe i’ll fool myself in the process and i don’t lmao. that being said, it’s been like over a year since i’ve last dated, and two years had passed between that partner and the previous one. 

9. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN THE PAST AND CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOUR LIFE, WOULD YOU AND WHAT WOULD IT BE: nothing. maybe switch my triple minor to an interdisciplinary double major because that sounds cooler in this point in my life. but other than that? i feel like i did well with the cards that were handed to me. they shaped me into who i am now. and now i’m trying to continue to be a person past me would be proud of. i want to live a life with little to no regrets. to pursue everything i can while i have the opportunity to. 

10. ARE YOU AN AFFECTIONATE PERSON: physically, yes. emotionally, it depends. my coworkers are always either thrilled to see me or are like “ it’s paci being over the top cute. ” i love coming into the room to give hugs or do random acts of service or to shower someone with surprise gifts just to say i appreciate them. however, i can be emotionally distant at times and i don’t like to involve people into things. i still feel guilty on most occasions when i vent,  even though i know it’s healthy to do. i feel like it’s not other people’s responsibility to deal with my problems or have to endure them, even if it’s as little involvement as listening. such an attitude isn’t great, but... at least i can recognize that now? lmao. u know. baby steps. i’m still learning to trust and let people in. when my former best friend broke my heart it really messed me up in a lot of ways.

11. A MOVIE YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN: i love pocahontas, mulan, princess and the frog, and peter pan starring mary martin. i’ve been watching that specific peter pan since like..... birth......... and it’s still one of my favorite films.

12. FAVORITE BOOK:  dante’s divine comedy.

13. YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO KEEP ANY ANIMAL AS A PET, WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE: a long-haired cat, preferably a tortoise color. i’ve always thought munchkin cats were the cutest. i’d want something that is as independent and self-sufficient as i am.

14. TOP FIVE FICTIONAL SHIPS [IF YOU ARE AN RP BLOG, YOU CAN USE YOUR OWN SHIPS AS WELL]:  yufi & age-appropriate love and joy. tseng also deserves love. & literally everyone in ace attorney could get it..... except dahlia hawthorne, forget her. also... all the important people in devil may cry deserve someone. so.... that’s what i have for you. 

15. PIE OR CAKE: pie. i don’t eat nearly enough of it. kinda underrated in the pnw, i feel like? but in the midwest we loved pies... kinda miss that.

16. FAVORITE SCENT:  sandalwood, vanilla, lavender, and gentle scents like  ‘ ocean ’  or  ‘ linens ’.

17. CELEBRITY CRUSH:  shrugs? no one atm. i do not keep up with pop culture these days. can i count kyo from dir en grey? i’ve thought he was hot for the last 15 years and counting........ 14 y/o me was really like “ he’s the one ” too!! 

18. IF YOU COULD TRAVEL ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD YOU GO: i love visiting friends. and like... idk? japan is still interesting, as is italy and greece and jerusalem. but i don’t have like... a burning urge to go anywhere. i’d like to return to vietnam & cambodia at some point as well. people tell me melbourne is my kind of vibe, but... i’ll get there when i get there. 

19. INTROVERT OR EXTROVERT:  ambivert. though for all that i project in personality, i do take a lot of time to myself to kind of recharge, as you will.

20. DO YOU SCARE EASILY:  i do. but i still like scary games bc i enjoy the thrill and chase. suspense is really cool-- gore is not, imo.

21. IPHONE OR ANDROID:  android. i’ve been using samsung galaxy phones since like 2013 and i’m not going back now. i had an ipad once and........ i’m over that. but i’m not like gonna participate in the dumb android vs apple debate........ we’re adults and it’s 2020, c’mon now. put ur energy into something else.

22. DO YOU PLAY ANY VIDEO GAMES: y’all......... i wish i could be like ‘ i’m a gamer grl ’ but the truth is that i mainly collect games and say i’ll play them but it takes me a trillion years sfdgiohfgiohdf. my backlog is shameful. we don’t talk about that. that being said, i just took up ace attorney: spirit of justice this evening & i’ve been playing through kingdom hearts iii and yakuza 0 as of late. 

23. DREAM JOB: to write poetry & creative nonfiction at my leisure dfogihdohg. travelling writer, sharing about cultures all over the world & the beauty of interaction. very whimsical, i know! i also love studying languages and culture...... so it’s no question writing, sociology, cultural anthropology and linguistics were/are my fields of study. 

24. WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH A MILLION DOLLARS: pay off my loans, throw like half of it in savings for it to grow, give some to my mum bc she deserves to live comfortably, and..... take some time off work to just relax and rediscover myself. while work does give me purpose, it also takes away from my creative pursuits so like... that blows.

25. FICTIONAL CHARACTER YOU HATE: it took me like 10 years for sorceress adel to stop giving me nightmares, so like. probably her. the pennywise energy was too strong. and on that note...... all clowns and clownlike energy should just burn. pennywise, saw. y’all got to go.

26. FANDOM THAT YOU WERE ONCE A PART OF BUT AREN’T ANY LONGER: final fantasy, ahaha. also metal gear. xeno like doesn’t have a place for it to gather and it’s ridonk small..... but i love xeno games. and i used to love watching sbfp but since they disbanded... it’s a sad world out there. 

✧ tagged by: @burmecias-protector​ + @enshijou​  i got this from both of y’all xoxo

✧ tagging: @shimmerseas​ @extremepath​ @east--moon​ @evercharmed​ @verumking​ @dawnled​ @90smagicalboy​ @meyvn​ @breselin​ @petallines​ @redsown​ @starszakrew​ @onlyliberty​ @angereve​ + if this suits your fancy! 

[etlunainmorte]

✒ P.S. I Love You ✒

***

X

***

Later that day, Griffon was staring too hard at Nico ( who was holding an ice pack against her head ) as she rewinded again and again at a certain video that one of the spy cameras captured last night. V ( who was idly waving off the cigarette smoke that wafted too close to his nostrils ) was on another table nearby studying the photos that she found.

"What are ya doin' now?" Griffon asked the woman for the third time that day as she furrowed her eyebrows in confusion at what she was trying to capture.

"Will ya shut yer beak for a while? I'm tryin' to concentrate." Nico answered as she clicked harshly on her mouse once more.

It was the same for V. He studied the photographs ( or what was written on them ) and read (Y/N)'s journal ( which, by the way, manifested another entry ) over and over again but, the dots doesn't seem to connect, at all.

Yes, the two looked like they were very much in love. Yes, they met during that summer gathering that May of 1898. However, he just couldn't see what their connection was with the ghosts that were haunting this mansion.

And most importantly, he just couldn’t see the reason why (Y/N) would change into that emotionless matriarch in the portrait.

If she’s truly happy, then why would - ?

Unless,…

V took a photograph of Victor reading something to (Y/N), who was sitting right next to him. He turned it and read the simple writings at the back.

I wish we could stay like this for a while.

V's eyes narrowed at the message. The name of whoever wrote in it, whether it was (Y/N) or Victor, was not indicated, and the feeling of dread that he suddenly felt in it spelled something entirely worse in his mind.

"Shit!" Nico muttered as she slammed on her table, startling Griffon in the process.

V looked at the other photographs and found similar looking shots of the couple looking very happy. And as he rightfully suspected, they all bore the same vague messages at the back.

I love you. So much.

I missed you. So badly, it hurts.

I hope you're happy, wherever you are.

That last message startled the poet. "I hope you're happy, wherever you are." He read again, this time, out loud. He turned the photo and saw Victor holding hands with (Y/N) as they looked at each other with content smiles on their face. She was wearing what looked like a lace veil on her head and they were both wearing similar rings. There were people cheering for them on the background and he even saw (Y/N)'s maidservant throwing petals at them.

Wait. Is this,... their wedding?

He looked once more at the photograph. It can't be a wedding since the "event" merely took place in the library / music room. He looked harder once more,...

... until he finally noticed something strange. It was only a very little detail but, he was certain of it. On the left corner of the photo was a male figure standing away from the others. It was really hard to see his face considering the poor quality of the old photo but, V was a hundred percent sure that he doesn't look happy for the couple.

He took another photograph from the box and saw the same group of people ( the couple was now kissing and looking absolutely happy ) and the same, strange man, his face still unrecognizable. He grabbed the pictures he was looking at and realized, to his utter horror, that every time (Y/N) and Victor were involved in a single photograph, the strange one would invade the scene like an unwanted visitor.

And he still couldn't see his face.

He needed to see more. He needed to -

"Holy hell!" Griffon exclaimed, now startling V and putting him out of his concentration. "V, look at this!"

The poet obliged and left his temporary workplace to look at what Nico and his familiar were doing. Nico waited for V to arrive, and when he finally did, she showed him a clip from the video she trimmed. She even slowed it down several times, and the result was mind - blowing.

All three of them stared in disbelief as they saw V making his way to (Y/N)'s room, and when he vanished a few seconds later, something materialized on the place where he stood. It was only for a split - second but, it was unmistakable: they saw a man clothed in white,...

Both Griffon and Nico shrieked in fright at the top of their lungs as they heard a loud banging on the front door. V, being the only ( slightly ) sane person left, stood and opened it. He was greeted by a group of middle - aged women smiling at him like nobody's business.

"What can I do for you?" He politely asked, his low voice giving the women some chills of the unspeakable kind.

"Is this the Lancaster residence?" The woman asked, her wide smile giving V some creeps of the unspeakable kind.

"Why, yes. It is."

V's eyebrows shot up to his hairline as the middle - aged women giggled and shrieked and slapped each other in the arms at the same time.

"The groom is charming!"

"He's such a hottie!"

"Lucky bride!"

"AAHH!"

"Groom?" Nico questioned as she joined V at the door. "What are these hags doin' here?"

"I have no idea." V answered. He cleared his throat and addressed the women. "If you are looking for - "

The leader of the group, who wore the heaviest makeup among all of them, took V's hands and shook it over and over in excitement. "I would like to inform you that today is your lucky day, Mr. Francisco!"

"I believe you have the wrong person - "

"And you must be Ms. Edwards! Oh, my! It's so nice to finally meet you."

"We're not - "

"So, can we start the planning for the layout of the wedding of the century now?"

"I'm sorry but - "

"AHEM!"

All of them turned to see the real Mr. Francisco and Ms. Edwards just behind the women, giving them weird looks with raised eyebrows.

"You're looking for us?" Avery asked as she crossed her arms over her shoulders.

*

"We definitely have to solve this problem soon." V told Nico and Griffon a few minutes later as Avery and Roman brought the wedding planners to the garden to have their meeting regarding their upcoming event. "The wedding is in five days."

"I get ya." Nico, who finally ditched the ice pack, agreed. "So, any other leads?" V showed Nico the photographs where the strange man appeared, and as the woman picked them up and studied them very, very closely, she nodded her head in agreement. "Yeah. I'm positive of it: this man," she uttered, then pointed at her PC with her left thumb. " ... and the one that showed up after you're gone are the same. Heck, he may be our main ghost here but, we have to be sure. All that’s left for us by then is to drive him out and let him know he’s not invited to the wedding.”

"But, how is he connected to all of this?" Griffon questioned as he, too, took a good long look at the photos that were scattered on the table.

V let out a sigh as he took out (Y/N)'s diary from his pocket. Then, he opened it and turned to the page where some writings recently materialized. Nico and Griffon went over to his side to read the new entry along with him.

May 11, 1898

I finally met him! The man of my dreams! The one and only Victor Blake! I just can't believe it! He IS actually IN THE SAME HOUSE AS ME RIGHT NOW! And what's more,

He even quoted poetry as he looked at me! He even kneeled before me and took my hand in his!

And, oh my God! He kissed the back of my hand!

I honestly thought I was going to die but Daniella brought me back. And when she said later that Mr. Blake likes me, I just felt that I could die right then and there with a smile and go to heaven!

Victor Blake - liking me?

My wildest dreams must be turning into reality! I mean, there are a lot of other beautiful women out there but,

HE CHOSE ME!

Oh my God, I simply can't believe this! I really am going to die and go straight to heaven with this!

Oh, God forgive me...

I know I must be exaggerating. But who cares? Daniella might be wrong about her assumptions but I still like him. No. I love him. And that's all that matters. He can ignore me and I will still love him. Until the day I die.

P.S.

My father just announced that all the important guests would be staying here for three months! And that includes Mr. Blake!

P.P.S.

I can't sleep knowing that he's just literally below me on the first floor, sleeping or reading or writing maybe. He may be writing. Books and poems and proses. I wonder what they're all about?

"That girl surely fell hard for ya, V." Nico mused, and when the poet just raised an eyebrow at her, knowing full well that (Y/N), in fact, fell for a different kind of V, she just smirked. "I'm jokin’!"

"Well, ya can't just follow an infatuated brat around and get ourselves attacked like that again!" Griffon screamed at V, who was still looking at the writings on the journal. "It's just suicidal! Plus, it doesn't really help us with the mission."

"Maybe." V finally spoke up. He slammed the journal shut and hid it once more as he gained the attention of his two companions. "But, this man," he said, then pointed at the said man in the photographs. " ... was connected to both (Y/N) and Victor. And I must find out everything about this,… connection. I will not rest,… until I do.”

"Ugh! Count me out, please! I don't wanna go back there!" His demonic familiar pleaded.

"We don't have a choice." Nico answered as she left for a while to pick up the radio from her own table. "We started this. And we have to see this through."

V nodded in agreement as he received his radio from her. "I'll go back there tonight. I'll be relying on you to watch everything from here to the highest floor."

"As if I have a choice!"

"Nico, you - "

The woman waved her hand at him. "Yeah, yeah. Keep yer panties on. I can endure another night here. Besides,..." She held up her radio, pressed a button, and after a few seconds, they finally heard what she recorded in it last night.

And it truly frightened them.

"Hello? Is anybody here? If there are,... any spirits here, say HHHOOOEEE!"

"What is that,... ?" Griffon questioned as they heard some strange whispers after Nico stopped talking.

"If there are any spirits here, say - "

"GET OUT! GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN! HE'S AFTER THEM! AFTER ALL THIS TIME! HE'S GOING TO KILL YOU! RUN! RUN AWAY FROM HERE! RUN AS FAST AS YOU - !"

"SHUT UP!"

"AAAHHH!"

V covered his mouth as he waited for the shrill and unearthly noises to subside. But, it only gradually worsened as it got more and more distorted that Nico had to turn it off.

"I heard a different voice last night, and I do not remember hearing anything like that." Nico confessed as she put the radio down to light another cigarette. "After that, this strange entity with big red eyes started chasin' me around until I have to hide. It's when I found that box containin' those old photographs." She sighed and shook her head as she bumped her forehead several times with her fist. She looked up once more and faced her companions. "So, ready for round two?"

Nico didn't have to tell him.

He will definitely solve this mystery. He must.

***

✒ @la-vita , @micaelagua , and @v-vic . ✒

***

✒✒✒

***

[sundaynightnovels]

chinese mythology AU: the moon rabbit

so @insearchof-solace​ gave me this prompt a while back and i was immediately inspired and.... wrote nothing BUT i kept wanting to write it (that’s fair enough, no????) && now that i’m finally up to writing it, my word doc is acting up on me and i was ready to throw in the towel but i was like

well. i write a whole bunch and don’t edit my work anyway, so how about i try something different and write it right now, spontaneously, on this post here? are you nervous? i’m rebellious and low on energy and don’t have enough mind to be nervous  so yea, i’m gonna give it a go. so there’s no like introductory post on how long it’s gonna be or what is it about or how vastly different it is from the actual mythology (very different, probably) like always, this is an AU of my wip like all things out of season, i.e. using its characters and whatnot. so yea. a little background: the moon rabbit is, well, a rabbit. who lives on the moon. it’s usually like seen pounding something with a mortar and pestle that the chinese (the moon rabbit exists in a lot of other asian mythology but i’m using the chinese one for this because, well. it’s a chinese au piece) assumes is the elixir of life, and is usually portrayed as being a companion of chang’e, the moon goddess. but who knows? will there be a companion here?? i don’t know.  what i do know is that i’ll be personifying the moon rabbit, so yea. i won’t be describing an actual rabbit with rabbit limbs and features per se here, but something rather human. here it goes: edit: after writing, it seems a lil philosophical and kinda gloomy. not my usual light-hearted thing, so be warned!

The moon is round tonight. Well, that’s no different from usual -- it is round every night, there’s no way it can suddenly change its shape beneath his feet, but well. He supposes, for the mortals down there, the moon is round tonight. Below him, flickering lights dance like waves cascading over one another; they sputter and glow within their paper walls, orange and red and yellow and even purple. Laughter weaves its way between hooked arms and raucous chatter, explodes as someone butchers a poetry recital and recedes when a performance begins. He sits there, on the edge. The stone is cool in his grip, familiar and worn; it sets a rhythm alongside the pounding beats and traditional tunes of the music below. Each time, a push and a twist, a push and a twist.  By the time applause breaks out, the herbs have already been ground to dust. He’s used to the smell; they prick at his nostrils and lingers in the air, but his nose always aches and the air around him is always heavy anyway. He’s used to it. Sometimes he wonders. Of course he does, he’s had more than enough time, so much that he doesn’t care to notice about the flow of the ages, passing so quickly beneath his feet that if he merely blinks, he thinks he might miss civilisation’s end.  Not that it matters to him, of course. Eras come and go, mortals live and perish. And all that eventually remains are the ghosts of memories that have come to pass.  Echoes, rather -- not ghosts. Ghosts are too corporeal, nearly substantial in their remembrance. And memories are fickle beings. They shift and change with age and perspective, warp with desires and denials; the more someone strives to recollect, the more they rebuild and break down the past, the less firm the foundation. The less solid the form. What’s left is merely an echo, a lingering afterthought. Something not as significant, yet remains hovering in the atmosphere like a miasma suspended over a grave -- doomed to haunt for all of eternity. Mortals are all chased by their echoes. And he wonders, of course, what his might be. If he were to be mortal. But of course, he isn’t. And that is a useless thought to contemplate on, for something that he cannot and will not be. He keeps pounding away. His moon is always round, after all. - The smoke is thick, almost viscous somehow. It snakes up into the air, wiggling and struggling, fighting to get out. It happens, occasionally. Though perhaps that might not be the best descriptor. Occasionally to him takes place over a rather large span of time, anyway. It doesn’t matter. The mortals move away, backs resolutely turned. Some are crying. Some press their palms tight and hold them close to their hearts, letting hushed words slip into open air. Others, younger ones, so tiny he can barely see them from where he sits, look confused.  It’s bright again, but not like before. The flames are ravenous and fierce, hungry and unrelenting; they chase after the paper offerings and tear apart the paper house, eating and swallowing till there’s nothing left. The smoke dies down; it’s a little easier to breathe. He thinks.  He doesn’t quite know. A physical release might not be quite the same as an emotional one.  What he does understand, though, is that everything comes back to dust. You bring nothing with you when you’re brought to life, and you carry nothing away in your death. It is a cycle. It will eventually happen again, he doesn’t know why they grieve. He is no expert, of course. He continues to pound away at the mixture for an immortality elixir. - She’s here today. The moon is a large place, and they don’t often cross paths. He feels like it’s been eons since he’s last spoken. It might have been. She doesn’t speak. She sits at the edge and peers down. Though there can be no sign of age on the smooth lines of her face, she somehow looks weathered. Old and beaten. Tired, from an eternity of existence.

He clears his throat; it is resounding in the silence. “Hi.” “Hi,” she replies.  She used to be mortal. She used to love and be loved. But it’s been ages.  There’s no one there for her now. He sits beside her and doesn’t speak, just pushes the bottle towards her and looks at his hands.  The skin is peeling and his palms are bruised. He is immortal, yet still they are bruised. It is an odd spectacle. He curls his fingers around them and squeezes. He stares at her and he wonders. If she’s a beautiful immortal worshiped by all and he’s her humble companion praised in textbooks.  Or maybe she’s an idol for virtue and he’s one for diligence and utility.  In reality though, he thinks it might be something else instead. That she’s a mortal stuck in a cage and that he’s her captor. Or that they are both trapped in a never-ending circle that chases after itself, sitting on the edge and trying to break the trajectory. Maybe it’s better not to think at all. After all, the moon will always be round. She will always be told in stories, celebrated in festivals. And he will always be here, pounding away for all of eternity.  Memories will live on forever, anyway -- even if they are merely echoes. Especially if they are merely echoes.  They are meant to live forever.

---------------------- okay! i don’t know why this ended up so depressing. like i said, i really didn’t plan anything. and i don’t know what this means. maybe it’s a deliberation on immortality VS mortality and how hou yi has maybe got the right idea the whole time? (okay, explanations about certain myths below.) or maybe something about myths being glorified and immortalised and wondering how that might go about in actual reality. or maybe that people should be given decisions about their own lives and not forced into a routine by fate i don’t know okay don’t question me i don’t think when i’m writing it also kinda, sort of, reflects a little about the beginning of my wip?  alright so a few things:

the moon rabbit is.... dun dun dun!! i’m sure some of y’all have guessed! it’s shou!! (that’s why it kinda reflects the beginning of my wip a little bit)

and the female is obviously... dun dun dun! chang’e!!! and she is!!!! well, this might be a little harder to guess but it also does reflect a little bit of her past / backstory in the companion novel. anyway!! it is... zhen!!

basic background on the mythology of chang’e: she is married to a man named hou yi, and back then there were like, 10 suns on earth and everyone was suffering because it was hella hot and hou yi, being a great man and a saviour of the broken (oops, mcr reference), he shot down 9 out of 10 of the suns. he was rewarded with an elixir of immortality, but he didn’t want to take it because he wanted to be with his wife. anyway something happened, bla bla bla, in order to protect the elixir from some bad guys, chang’e downed it herself and became immortal, and she decided to live in a place where she’d be closest to her husband -- which was incidentally the moon. and mid-autumn celebration is kinda celebrated for her too. okay, it also celebrates a bunch of other stuff, but for chang’e as well!

the first part he’s watching the mid-autumn festival celebrations, traditionally celebrated with people holding a bunch of lanterns on the 15th day of the 8th lunar month, which is when there is a full moon (just fyi, the 15th day of all the lunar months tend to have a full moon)

the second part he’s watching a funeral procession (kinda more like a buddhist one, where you burn joss paper and paper ingots and paper houses etc.) not really in detail but yea

the phrase that i used ‘In life you carry nothing, and in death you bring nothing’ comes from this actual chinese thing that you say ‘生不带来 死不带去’ which means the same thing

ALRIGHT. uhh. hope y’all enjoyed?? tagging my tag list @cabaretofwords​ @inked-waves​ @latechickadee​ @kidsarentallwrite​ @insearchof-solace​ @kaigods​ @inkpot-dreamer​ @pen-for-sword​ @thedreamsofthesky​ @cheap-pins​

as usual y’all are free to drop me prompts any time alright! 

[lizzodorito]

quick vent

because i legit have no where else to put this sort of feeling and just.. writing it in a book or a doc just... isnt as cathartic. Hope this just fades into the void, please dont bother reading it.

Hey. screw proper grammar and spelling I just need to get thihis out.

my name is liz and hoenstly fuck this website because last time i actively used it for something other than mandolorian memes or sims mods/cc my ex boyfriend was fucking stalking me on it and catfishing me and comfort me by sending me those ask lists and i... i dunno if im over that. Fuck you Sven.

not the point, just wha t I have to think about every single damned time I find myself here no matter what.

I am so lonely. I dont have many friends at all and the ones I do are out to use me or not Get Into It with me, thouhg fair because im a shit load of a lot to deal with i guess. other friends i have are pretty backstabbing and they refuse to properly grow up and LIVE and THINK FOR OTHERS AND ALSO THINK FOR THEMSELVES WITHOUT IT HAVING TO BE DEFINED BY HOW PROUDLY TERRIBLE THEIR MENTAL HEALTH IS FUCK

And then i get shit for it

love being used guys hell yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah  no i dont i hate it so much literally when was the last time anyone loved me right outside of my family and even so its not like my parents treat me well. mother you may have improved drastically,  but similar to my self esteem, its still very much BELOW PAR and i hate having to witness both.

I am so lonely.

I go so long without saying any word sometimes, its a wonder i stil breath, although sometimes when i was young id forget to.

why is it that i get more depressed when i come back to the family home

does anyone else understand being family oriented to a family that really for the majority doesn’t treat you the same?

The voice in my head wont stop. it wont stop telling me all  the ways i have potentially fucked my budding friendships with my new friends isha and matt 

how am i a person who shares so little yet so much

BUT MY LORD THANK YOU these are people who... who are considerate and are processing what i am saying and are thinking of me

but how fucked up am i

and will that push them away

im often distasteful but all the same complex and layered and so useful and so interesting

and that’s why often enough it seems people dont put in the effort, or frankly, dont give a shit about me once i requrie effort, though their “care” for me beofre then was only for their own benefit.

im exhausted 

One of my best internet friends was raped and i was the one who revealed that to her and she just didnt realize it yet and i havent been able to fall asleep without thinking about it

i have needed to cry for over a week now and i haVent gotten to still i am so sad i am SO SAD

I am so charming yet cannot help being alone no matter how enjoyable i am for others to have around

Matt

He makes me question if im asexual

But I am only a human

porbably deifntieyl still asexual

but too much all the same 

Im just lonely and touch starved probably (more than usual to be clear) and want to be hugged and loved and he’s so smart and we talk for hoours and comfortably, for me, occupy eachothers’ space we talk for 

hours.

this is becoming poetry.

I feel like i am beginning to sound like a hobo johnson broken record

stop being poetic fuck off liz

he;s so 

I havent been hopeful like this in people for a long time

we went to a museum to support isha (she had to do a project that invovled socializing so ya know the inrovert crew (though i dont know fi matt considers himself one)) and we just were togeter (in rather close proximinity) just speaking in accents, partly hoping to excite the strangers crowding everywhere about “foriegners” being here at the exhibit... but i think it was mostly just for us. for our fun 

because voices is what we like to do

i love voice acitng 

he committed to it, i fell out of it more times than he did and he gets more specific with accents than i do

he likes what i do

he loves the characters and my many talents

he loves my writing

he wants me to join his dnd campaign over the summer with his friends

is it for me?

does he want... me

or just my character maggie that everyone loves

he wants me to join the campign he’s in npw with his friends, as he’s a player character and not a dm as he would be over the summer

he doesn’t quite get how lonely i am

i worry i made him and isha uncomfortable last night... i joked about actually being loved properly

he immediately looked at me strange, me not realizing the joke was taken as truth

“Liz, is there something you need to talk about?”

“Oh! Oh, well, um...” hi i come from an abusive family and you both dont realize how much it meant to me that you wanted me to come and are consitently telling me and thanking me for coming because... you’re telling me im good company and its been so long since i have had real friends or gone out with friends and ACTUALLY FULLY AND COMPLTELY HAD A GOOD TIME OH MY GOSH YOU DONT EVEN KNOW I AM SO SHY ABOUT ALL OF THIS BECAUSE HOLY FUCK I CANT EVEN ASK HOW I BECAME SUCH A BASKET CASE BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW I ALRWADY KNOW I ALREADY KOW I ALRADY KNOW AND I HAVENT’ GOTTEN TO REALLY TELL ANYONE IN SO LONG WITHOUT THEM LEAVING ME 

its been so long since ive been understood by a peer

(hi my name is liz and i am weepign right now)

“No, not yet at least.”

*isha laughs and it joined by matt soon. I’m smiling comfortably. I genuinely have a soft, contented hope i might get to tell them at least some of it one day.*

“not yet at least! sorry matt you have to be at least a level 4 friend to learn the tragic backstory”

thank you isha for lightening the mood

thank you for making the joke so many people who gave less than a fuck about me got offeneded at and confused when i made it so often years ago.

my comment was laughed off, we continued to watch the critical role espidoe i had missed

soon it was just matt and i. isha was to bed.

just him and i, and i, like id been all night (concious but making the decision to pipe down and trust the people around me), was all curled up, very relaxed and off my posture, sinking into the couch. MAtt was always upright ish. sometimes hed sink a bit or rest his hips on their side curl a little rest his head, but not as intesely as i did

sometimes he’d scoot closer to me, sometimes hed scoot away. sometimes hed move his legs so our knees would touch. i dont mind (not because i was finding it romantic, im not twelve, i just am understadning of the small situation we are in and its a knee for crying out loud) i wonder if i was taking up too much space with the way i’d sit comfortaly. I wonder if he thought so.

i would be lying if i said i didnt imagine us actually having contact with eachother. cuddling platonically.. on multiple occassions.

I have an imagination that thinks of everything and so many scenarios all at once and all the time after all

i was comfortable with the idea but

it would be a bigger lie to say i wasnt absolutely and perfectly content wiht the way it did go.

i dont thiink i will ever know if he was comofrtable on that couch or more so if it was me he was comfortable or uncomfrtoable with. 

I will respect him to tell me.

he;s good at eyecontact and its comfrotable enoguh where i dont have to look away (it’s been a problem i never used to  have recently)

I’d peek up at him when he’d talk to me

i felt young again

when the stream was over he got up to leave.

i dont know if we daudled. dawdled? yep thats the word

i dont know if we did

we made small talk

shitty jokes that he declared wouldn’t be the last thing we said to eachother that evening

i agreed.

the last words that night were goodnights.

me with my raspy evening voice from a day full of talking and him with a look over the shoulder from the hall as the door closed behind him

he was obviosuly very slap happy sleepy as he was talking about the light not being too bright in the hall (to his happiness)

it was a nice night

when was the last time i went to bed so happy? thanking God over and over and praying for my friend i mention way earlier

i didnt even have to drown my insomnia with a youtube video

i just went to sleep

2 am

i hope the weather continues

- jaques cruzio, pink panther

now im just in bed

at the family home

not my dorm

fighting my depression (its been three hours, i was getting exhausted by 9:30 due to it) as i rest

i was curled in a ball, slumped and face planted, arms slumped when i decided i need to talk to someone, or say something mroe than what i vented to my little sister (small bits about how lonely i feel and how i worry ive fucked things up) hours ago

and here we are 

12:14 am

just some broken twenty something asexual with a mind that’s usually over sixty talking about the amazing people i met two weeks ago while in the background i think about the girl i used to be the boss of (online moderator work) and how she’s essentially in love with her idea of me and how i make her feel... and not just for me.

i am mysterious and cool and smart and hot and talented and useful to her.

I want to be complex and dedicated and helpful and pretty and so skilled and hardworking and wanted for me.

i want to  be considered and deserving and im hoping that isha, matt and my other two roommates can help start to fill that hole in my life

because, God, so far they have so much potential for it in my eyes

(so far)

thanks for listening, void.

actually feeling quite a bit better. the misery is still lingering, i wonder if i should cry more. But, i can breathe easier and my eyes dont feel dead. I just am tired and am prepared to enjoy things again.

proabbly will watch claire from BA make jelly beans.

or the Noel Miller guy isha told me about.

I dont know if it’s appropriate if i downloaded matt’s contact into my phone from when isha put us both in a groupchat together and i hope its not weird and i hope maybe he did the same, but by God i dont think i’ll be texting him first.

i like in person better.

with anyone.

always have

i have so much more on my mind

[touchmycoat]

Writer's QA post!! 15, 24, 31, 33, 34 and 44 ??

yaaaassssss

15. Where does your inspiration come from?

typically there’s one thing i take kind of academic interest in, which i then research. during the research process i take all the elements that intrigue me and structure them in a narrative

i’m a fucking nerd is what i’m saying

like the time i went into the mountains and learned a bit about a specific Japanese house! also the time i learned about sloths! (also y’know, all the kinks, which i now have more than an academic interest in ndjfnksjdnfskd)

24. Poetry or prose, and why?

prose for myself to write. i love poetry, i can analyze the shit out of a poem but i couldn’t tell you what a poem actually is. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i’ve technically written poems, but yah, i genuinely would not consider myself a poet in any way shape or form lmfao

and i fucking love plot, so.

31. Hardest character to write.

Ace. :’D i think i have more of an intuitive grasp of him in the context of a plot, but personality-wise?? sabo comes easiest (heh) but i always find myself meditating more on what ace would do. he’s #versatile y’know? he’s got the range.

(i think it started with the Struggle™ that was writing chapter 4 of Second Chances, and the boat scene in particular. i had like, seven different versions of the scene just trying to figure out how the fuck ace would respond to that kind of situation)

(not that sabo doesn’t have the range; he just has more consistent intentions, a.k.a. what’s the most fucking wild thing i can do right now? okay done.)

33. Do you listen to music when you’re writing?

nah. i don’t mind background noise, but i don’t need it. i listen to music before writing though, certainly, to get me in those special moods (*coughLizzoforfunsexytimescough*)

34. Handwritten notes or typed notes?

both! switching mediums works really well for me to keep things fresh. in particular, if i’m struggling with a plot i’ll switch to handwritten notes & just redo the entire thing from memory (the idea being what i remember is the good stuff, what didn’t stick with me can go)

i’m also a fucking leo who loves her own handwriting so!! i’ll hand-write all day ndjfndffdjnndj

44. Best piece of feedback you’ve ever gotten.

HM!!!

For craft: the “kill your darlings” idea, but fully fleshed-out. it’s not about writing like hemingway. it’s about knowing what each element of your writing serves, and being disciplined in the shaping of that final product. anne carson’s foreword to her translation of Antigone, something like she won’t let antigone lose her screams? THAT. It’s not whatever the classical idea of a “perfect translation” is (’cause that don’t exist), it’s different configurations of words that technically mean the same thing, but fuck you up in different ways.

For soul: Taika Waititi being like, “dude if you’re bored with what you’re writing, fuck it! switch the scene.” such power! such ownership over the righteous existence of your interests!!!

((ASK GAME FOR WRITERS))

[cbcdiversity]

Author Q&A with Nadine Jolie Courtney

Tell us about your most recent book and how you came to write/illustrate it.

All-American Muslim Girl is a YA novel born of my own experiences as a white-passing mixed-race Muslim in Georgia. I’m the daughter of a Jordanian-Circassian father and a blond Catholic cheerleader from Florida who converted to Islam when she and my dad got married. Most people have an image in their minds when they hear the words ‘Muslim girl’—and it’s definitely not me. As a result, I was exposed to a lot of harmful stealth Islamophobia over the years, moving unnoticed through predominantly white spaces as guards were down and people dropped casually bigoted comments. Post Trump, that stealth Islamophobia became blatant. I felt compelled to write an Islam-positive story of a young girl who, like me, initially struggles with a lack of connection to her religion but eventually chooses to actively embrace it, exploring how that affects her relationships along the way.

Do you think of yourself as a diverse author/illustrator?

I’ve always had lot of anxiety about my identity, something I address in AAMG (and tried to work through, in my MC of Allie Abraham!) On the one hand, I grew up feeling very much like an outsider, no matter what room I was in. When I was out with my visibly foreign father or my hijabi family members, the reception was noticeably different to what I’d get when out alone with my Barbie-esque mom. People would make fun of my last name (an impossible to pronounce Circassian name rife with consonants). Faces would change when they found out my family’s religion or background. But, on the other hand, my experience as a Muslim has still been very different from those of my Muslim friends and family members—to say nothing of my Brown and Black Muslim sisters. My lighter skin and ability to “pass” as a basic blonde has shielded me from the worst Islamophobia—something I am both grateful for and, honestly, a little ashamed of.

Who is your favorite character of all time in children’s or young adult literature?

It’s a four-way tie between Ramona Quimby, Anne Shirley, Jo March, and Hermione Granger. Feisty young women for the win!

Hypothetically speaking, let’s say you are forced to sell all of the books you own except for one. Which do you keep?

Oh my goodness! Okay, well, since this is purely hypothetical, I’m going to pretend we’re only talking about fiction books. From there…oof. When my husband and I got married, we thinned out our respective book collections, and it was torture. My answer would probably change depending on my mood, but for right now, I’d say my most dog-eared, weather-beaten book: an ancient, well-loved Norton Anthology of Poetry that I’ve had since I was 14. Barring that, my Harry Potter series, which I’m saving to read with my daughter when she’s old enough.

What does diversity mean to you as you think about your own books?

I feel like there’s often this checklist mentality toward diversity in literature, and it comes across as not only inauthentic but completely harmful. To me personally, diversity is about moving past seeing white as a default and not prioritizing the white gaze. It’s about recognizing that our stories are better when they reflect the world as it really is, in all its complexity. When you’re a marginalized teenager, maybe somebody who’s occasionally ill at ease around your peers, books can be your safe haven—a place where you can lose yourself and forget about whatever issues you’re going through, if briefly. Now imagine you read a book and it’s you, your life, your experiences reflected back on the page. How much less alone might you feel? How meaningful is that for a young person—questioning themselves, questioning their place—to realize there are others out there like them? That’s why I think it’s so important to not have publishing continue to churn out the same perspectives, the same heroes and heroines. Those stories have been told. Let’s shine the light elsewhere for a while and see what blooms.

What is your thought process in including or excluding characters of diverse backgrounds?

For All-American Muslim Girl, it was important to me to include Muslims from a variety of backgrounds, races, and ethnicities—because that’s the reality of Islam. It’s not just Arab Muslims, which is the default in the media. It’s Indonesian Muslims and Black Muslims and Desi Muslims and Muslim converts. I’m a Circassian Muslim, so though I’m fair like a lot of Muslims from the Caucausus region, my family have been Muslims for generations. I wanted to show not just that diversity of background, but also of thought: the book is full of a variety of young Muslim women who interpret the religion in vastly different ways and enjoy respectfully debating those disparate views. The Ummah is stronger and richer not in spite of our differences but because of them.

Nadine Jolie Courtney is the author of the upcoming YA novel All-American Muslim Girl (November 12, 2019, FSG), as well as the YA novel Romancing the Throne, and two adult books: Confessions of a Beauty Addict, and Beauty Confidential. A graduate of Barnard College, her articles have appeared in Town & Country, Angeleno, OprahMag.com, and Vogue.com. She lives in Santa Monica, California, with her family. 

Website: nadinejoliecourtney.com; Instagram: @nadinejoliecourtney; Twitter: @nadinecourtney