#and goddammit if it wasnt the best fucking decision

[nagito-kissmaeda]

alright as much as i love komaeda. i think i remember you say you had a soft spot for kazuichi as well (if this wasnt you im so sorry shksjdkk) sooo! any possibility we could get a fem reader with kaz nsfw? oneshot or headcanons, either is fine!! stay hydrated pwease 🥺

ミ☆ Aight! This ended up being huge, i hope that's fine sdkgjskdgjs. So yeah, have my first non-komaeda work on this blog aha. I do actually really like Souda, he's a dork <3

Contains: Fem Reader, No pronouns used, Explicit Sexual Content Word Count: 3932

It’s cold, and it’s dark. Your heels are too tall to walk comfortably in, especially down the poorly paved back roads that lead to the train station. The moon hangs high in the sky and is your only source of light as you are rounding the final corner, you tug your shawl tighter around your shoulders, though the fabric is so thin that it doesn’t provide much warmth at all.

You hadn’t dressed for walking, you weren’t meant to be walking at all, but the night hadn’t gone as planned in more ways than one. You sigh shakily as you finally reach the train station, sitting down on one of the open benches and shivering as the cool air passes through you again.

The next train isn’t for an hour.

You can feel yourself starting to tear up, pressing the heel of your palms into your eyes to try and stop the tears from coming. A quiet sob escapes your lips and your shoulders shake.

Fishing your phone from your pocket, you quickly wipe your nose on the back of your hand and dial your best friend’s number. The dial tone rings hollow in your ear for a few seconds, and then he picks up:

You sniffle, “Hey, Kaz.”

“Oh! Hey!” He replies, you can hear his mechanical keyboard clacking in the background over some upbeat music, “Aren’t you meant to be on a date?” he spams a key frantically and then hisses out a quiet, “goddammit, fuyuhiko”

It’s game night. You would usually be playing with them if not for the disaster of a date. You, Kazuichi and Nagito play together once a fortnight, Fuyuhiko joins when he can, but he’s busy more often than the rest of you are. Everyone was upset when you said you wouldn’t be able to make it tonight, you’re upset too now, but hindsight is 20/20.

“I was on a date, it just uh…” you clear your throat, trying not to sound so sad, “it didn’t go so well?”

“Shit! Are you okay?” Kazuichi says loudly, “ah, fuck. One second -“ he starts talking to the others over the headset, “-yeah I have to go AFK for a bit, sorry. Everything’s fine, Nagito. stop getting so worked up. Yeah, I’ll be back soon” you hear his headset clunk on the desk and his old chair creak when he stands up. Kazuichi always paces when he talks on the phone. It’s cute, “are you safe? Did he try anything?” Kaz says quite seriously.

You smile, it’s nice that he worries about you, “No, nothing like that, he was just a dickhead. He was also my ride home though, I’m waiting for the train.”

“No you aren’t.” He says decisively, grabbing his keys from by the front door. You hear them jangle in his palm as he heads out to his car, “I’m coming to get you, which station?”

“You don’t have to, Kaz! It’s game night!”

Kazuichi chuckles, opening the driver's side door and getting into the car, “oh yeah, you think that both Nagito and Fuyuhiko would be happy to hear I left you stranded out in the cold?” He turns on the ignition and you hear the car rev to life, “Nagito would get all passive aggressive and Fuyuhiko would get regular aggressive and I just don’t feel like dealing with that tonight.”

“Okay okay!” You reply, marvelling and how easy it is for Kazuichi to make you laugh even when you’re feeling miserable, “You’ve got me, I won’t make you suffer through that.”

“Which station are you at? I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

***

It only takes about ten minutes for you to see Kazuichi’s familiar car pull into the parking lot. The car itself is pretty old, but Kaz always manages to keep it running, he takes better care of it than he does himself and that’s a little sad honestly, but you shouldn't be one to talk. If it wasn’t for him, your own car would be stuck in a ditch somewhere, you’re useless with repairs. Maybe that’s why you’ve clung this close to him for so many years.

Kaz rolls down the window when you step closer, giving you a sad smile, “You doing alright?”

You return the smile, and open the passenger side door, “Yeah. I'm alright now.”

“Sure you don't want me to drive back there and punch him?.” you can see his fingers tapping on the steering wheel, you can tell that he’s only half joking.

“He’s not worth it. Just a total asshole.”

You don’t see Kaz without his contacts very often, only when he’s caught off guard. When he turns to look at you, his brown eyes catch the glow from the streetlight outside the car. His glasses are thick rimmed and his eyes are actually very pretty, you don't know why you haven't told him that. You don't know why you can't manage to tell him that now.

“Do you wanna talk about it...or?”

You shrug, kicking your heels off into the footwell and clicking in your seatbelt, “There isn't much to talk about. He just...I dunno…”

Kazuichi puts the car back in gear and starts reversing out of the parking lot, he sighs, “you dunno? Or you dont wanna tell me?” he pulls the car back onto the main road and starts heading towards your apartment, “you don't have to or anything, i just...i worry about you, i guess.”

“He said I was ugly.” you finally say, feeling yourself deflate a little at the memory, “It’s a stupid thing to be so upset about but, it just...hurt…”

“Wait. So did he just sit down at the table and call you ugly? Straight off the bat?”

You laugh a little, “No no! It wasn't quite that bad, his exact words were ‘not as pretty as the people i usually date’ and then he tried to pour me a glass of wine like he hadn't just insulted me.”

“Fuck, man.” Kaz huffs and runs a hand through his hair, “Are you sure you don't want me to punch him?”

“I’m sure, if we saw him again I’d probably punch him myself and then we would both get in trouble.” You sigh, lifting your hands up behind your head to work on undoing the elaborate updo you had coaxed your hair into before leaving home, “I tried really hard to look nice. I really did.”

Kazuichi swallows, eyes drifting to where you are sitting beside him. Sucking in a breath at the way the orange light from the streetlamps illuminates you in the darkness. The slope of your bare neck, the way your delicate fingers work to undo your hair.

“Yeah, well, that guy was an idiot.” Kazuichi breathes, and turns his eyes back to the road, “you look really good tonight.”

There’s a beat, and then he says-

“-I...I mean, you look good every night. Not just tonight or anything, I just meant that you look, like, especially good tonight. As opposed to normal, when you look good, but not like--”

“Kaz!” You exclaim, resting your hand on top of his on the stick shift. You can't help but wonder why the feeling of his hand under yours makes your heart race, “It’s fine, you don't need to explain it, i know what you’re trying to say. Thank you.”

His mouth curls up in a lopsided smile, and you pull your hand away as he shifts the car into fourth, “It’s going to be a bit before we get back to your place, you can hook your phone up to the bluetooth if you want.”

“Yeah, uh, thanks…” you say, doing as he said and connecting your phone to his stereo system. You pick something light to listen to, not really feeling like anything more than that, “Kaz?”

His eyes flit over to you, “Yeah?”

You sigh, combing your fingers through your hair, “Could I come back to your place instead, I know it’s game night but i--” you turn away from him to look out the window, “--I don't want to be alone. I’ll just replay the night over and over, all I will do is make myself feel worse.”

“Oh.” He clears his throat, “Yeah, sure! My apartment is kind of a mess though? I wasn't expecting company or anything.”

“What? No girls coming over tonight?” you tease.

Kazuichi laughs halfheartedly, “Yeah, no girls. It’s fine though, I'm sure Nagito and Fuyuhiko will understand when I tell them I can't play, and I can sleep on the couch if you want to take my bed.” he panics a little, “Or, you--you can take the couch. You don't have to sleep in my bed.”

It’s cute when Kazuichi gets flustered. You’ve always taken joy in riling him up a little, just to see his cheeks turn pink. In the dim light of the car, you can see that his roots are starting to grow back, it's probably been at least a month since he last dyed his hair. You feel...special. That you get to see him wearing his glasses and when his hair is still undyed. Not many people get to. There aren't many he trusts enough.

There’s a little bump when he pulls the car up into his parking spot and you shiver just a little when he turns off the ignition and the heating turns off with it.

Kazuichi notices, “Let’s get you inside before you freeze, huh?”

“Good idea.” You reply, opening the door and stepping out of the car. Kazuichi locks the car quickly and then starts heading up the stairs to his apartment, you follow behind him rubbing your arms to stave off the cold, “Thank you again, by the way, for coming to get me.”

He unlocks the front door and gestures for you to go in before him, “Hey, no need to thank me. What are friends for?” He closes the door behind the both of you, and you lean one hand against the wall for balance as you take off your shoes.

You’ve always liked his apartment. You like that none of his plates match, that his desk is always covered with nuts and bolts from whatever he has last been tinkering with. You dont think you’ve ever seen the overhead lights on, there’s a lamp in almost every corner of the room and he uses those instead. Kazuichi has always liked it a little dim, it's cozier anyway, so you don't mind.

“Do you want something to drink?” He says, toeing off his own shoes and putting them next to yours by the door, “I have tea, it’s Nagito’s weird herbal stuff though.”

You laugh, “If by ‘weird herbal stuff’ you mean chamomile, then that would be fine.”

“Yeah, that sounds right. I dunno, he just left it in my cupboard last time he came over.” He starts heading into the kitchen, but quickly turns back to face you, “Uh, do you have something else to wear, you probably don't, right?”

“Oh, yeah. I didn't really think about that.” you grimace, sleeping in the dress is the last thing you want to do, “Can i borrow a shirt or something?”

Kazuichi turns visibly pink, rubbing the back of his neck nervously, “Yeah, sure! You know where my room is, just grab anything you want from the top drawer, I don't mind.”

He turns to head back into the kitchen and you walk over to his bedroom door. It’s true that you have been in here many times, but something about the way it feels tonight is different. For some reason, seeing the mess of dark grey sheets on his bed makes your heart speed up, just a little.

You shake the thoughts away and head over to his drawers, rifling through to find something comfortable. There’s an old band t-shirt that looks at least three sizes too big for Kaz, but the perfect size for you to wear to bed. It smells like his laundry detergent.

“Everything okay in here?” Kazuichi asks, peering around the doorframe almost like he is too nervous to enter his own room.

You smile, “Yeah, all good. I’m just going to change now if that’s okay?”

He turns pink again, and his voice squeaks when he says, “sure! I’ll just be...in the kitchen…”

When he turns away, you bring your hands up to the zipper at the back of your dress, but are only able to tug it down half an inch before it gets stuck. You huff and continue pulling to no avail. “Hey, Kaz?”

He comes back to the door, “Uh. yeah?”

“I think my zipper is stuck, would you mind?”

Kazuichi swallows, “Oh, uh, sure.” He steps around behind you, and brushes your hair over your shoulder so it won't get in his way. You can feel his breath on the back of your neck, you can feel how shaky his hands are when they grab the zipper and slowly start working it down. Your heart is racing. Why is it so fast?

“I think...I think it’s unstuck now.” He whispers, the warmth of his hands is still present on your back.. The energy in the room has changed completely, there’s a weight of something you can't quite place hanging in the air. The way Kazuichi’s hands shake makes you suspect he is feeling it too.

You turn around to face him. His eyes are wide and questioning, one of his hands shakily drifting down to your waist and all of a sudden, you know clear as day what is going to happen next. Your gaze flits between his eyes and his lips, and you notice the distance between you is growing less and less but you can't be sure if it is you moving or him. You’ve never noticed how soft his lips look before now.

They are even softer when they press against yours. There is an urgency to it, his hand immediately jumping up to cup your jawline and yours tangling in the back of his hair. You tilt your head to the side, deepening the kiss and gasping into his mouth when you feel his tongue brush your lips.

“Is...is this okay?” he breathes against you, still clutching desperately at your waist, “I dont...I dont want to take advantage of you or anything?”

“Advantage of me?” You ask

“Y--Yeah…’cause of what happened with that guy earlier today, i don't wanna--”

You cup his cheek in your hand, his pretty brown eyes blink down at you from behind his glasses, panicked, “Kazuichi. I don’t want to stop.”

He laughs a little, “That’s a relief. I...I didn't want to stop either.”

His lips are on your again, open mouthed and hot as he guides you back towards his bed. You flop backwards, pulling him down with you and on top of you. He gasps a little, but his lips never leave yours, you can hear him breathing heavily against you as one of his hands starts working your dress further down your shoulders.

“Sit up.” You whisper, “It’ll be easier if you pull it up over my head.”

“O--oh, okay.” He stammers, sitting back on his heels and grabbing the hem of your dress. You lift your hips up a little to help him pull it out from under you, and then he slowly starts working it up over your torso. He chokes on a surprised noise when he pulls it over your chest and realises your breasts are bare underneath, “You...uh...you’re not--”

You smirk, “Losing your nerve?”

Kaz frowns and pulls the dress up the rest of the way, tossing it off the bed when it is finally completely off, “No! I was just surprised, is all.” he swallows, eyes softening, “You’re really beautiful.”

Suddenly, you are the one feeling bashful. You can feel your cheeks burning, “Th-Thanks, Kaz.”

He lowers you back down onto the bed, positioning himself between your legs, “I’ve always thought you were beautiful.” He whispers, taking one of your nipples into his mouth.

It feels good. It feels so good.

You manage to worm your hands between the two of you, panting and moaning as he alternates between sucking and licking both of your nipples. You feel his breath hitch against you when you grab the waistband of his sweatpants and tug them down his thighs.

“You’re excited.” You whisper, running your fingers over the hardened length in his boxers.

He splutters, “W--Well, Yeah! Of course I am!” you can feel his hand shaking as he slowly drifts it down your stomach and into your panties. He sucks in a breath as his finger slowly brushes against your clit, “You’re excited too…” he breathes.

“O--Of course I am.” You repeat, hips stuttering upward into his touch, “Kaz, I…”

His fingers freeze, “Do you want to stop? We can stop!”

You shake your head, sitting up on your elbows and leaning forward to press your lips to his. Gentle. Tender. You sigh gently against him, “I can’t...I just can’t believe I never realised.”

“Realised what?” He asks, fingers gently moving against you in your panties. So gently that it barely feels like anything, but it still makes your hips twitch.

“That it’s you I want.” You laugh a little, amazed at your own obliviousness. “That it’s always been you.”

His face breaks out in a grin and he buries his face in your shoulder. You can feel him laughing, “I’ve had feelings for you for like, the past three years. I never...I…” he lifts himself back up, smiling warmly down at you as he says, “I thought there was no way, you know?”

You kiss his cheek, “Keep touching me, please.”

“Okay.” He says, dropping his head back down to your chest and gently pulling your nipple back into his mouth. At the same time, the hand in your panties drifts lower, one of his fingers gently pushes inside of you and you choke on a gasp, he freezes, “you alright?”

“Yeah, aha, better than alright.” You swallow, tangling your fingers in his hair, “Your fingers are a lot longer than mine.”

He makes a little noise that might have been a moan, finger slowly pumping in and out of you. You mewl when he adds another, curling them in and gently stroking the inside of you. Your legs twitch, hips rising up off the bed to meet his hand. Kazuichi moans against your breast, and you can feel him pressing his hardness against your thigh to relieve the pressure.

“Hey, Kaz. That’d probably feel better if it was inside of me, yeah?”

He stiffens, you feel his hips jump forward a little, “Are...are you sure?”

You smile, pressing your forehead to his, “I don't think I've ever been surer of anything.”

He squeaks. It's cute, “Okay. Let me just...grab a condom, okay?”

Kazuichi kisses your cheek before standing up and walking around to his drawers. Now that he is standing up you can see the insistent way his erection is pressing against his boxers. He flushes when he catches you looking, “Don't stare!”

You lean back, lifting up your hips so you can slide your panties down your legs, “Why not? It’s a nice view.”

He gulps at the sight of you completely naked on his bed, “Not as good at that view…”

You laugh, “Come over here, silly.”

He steps towards you, pulling his shirt up over his head and tossing it off into a random corner of the room. His boxers follow quickly after, and then he climbs up onto the bed with you, settling in between your legs. He’s really warm. He’s always really warm, Kazuichi has always been like a walking space heater. He sits back on his heels and rolls the condom on, you try not to stare, because you can tell it will only make him embarrassed.

He sucks in a breath, leaning forward on his elbows before taking off his glasses and tossing them up onto the bedside table.

“I really like your eyes, Kaz.” You whisper, cupping his cheek in your hand, “I’ve always liked them. They’re really pretty.”

He laughs nervously, “Thank you...I...I think your eyes are pretty too.” you can feel that he is worried he is going to screw this up somehow, his arms are shaking beside you when he asks, “So, are you ready?”

You nod, “Yeah. Ready.”

Kazuichi breathes heavily as he lines himself up, slowly, very slowly inching himself inside of you. Your eyes scrunch shut as you try to commit the feeling of each inch to memory, thighs shaking on either side of him when he finally bottoms out inside of you. Kaz hiccups a little, and when your eyes open, you can see the sheer joy on his face.

“We...we’re really doing this, huh?” He says

You return his smile, gently rocking your hips back into him, “We are.”

He bites down on his lip to silence a moan, and starts moving in earnest. Still slow, still careful, but he is starting to find a rhythm. His pretty brown eyes are glued to the way your breasts bounce with every thrust, with the way your brows crease in ecstasy whenever he pushes himself back in. The cute little noises you’re making, it's so much more than he had ever imagined. It's so much more perfect.

You whimper, wrapping your legs around his waist, “You feel so good, Kaz.”

“You feel amazing, I....fuck.” He speeds up a little, hand slipping down between the two of you and back to your clit, you gasp, “I’m probably not going to last long, I--”

“Me either.”

He’s a little out of breath, but still leans down to take your nipple back in his mouth, panting and gasping against you as his fingers frantically circle your clit. You moan, grabbing his hair and holding him in place against your chest. The stimulation is becoming too much, you can feel that you are almost there, unable to control the volume of your voice anymore as you meet his thrusts with your own.

“Fuck…” Kazichi hisses against your breast, biting gently down on your nipple, “fuck fuck fuck, I...I’m…”

That was it for you. Climaxing hard and pushing your hips up as high as possible, riding out your orgasm as he continues circling your clit with his fingers, “Oh god.” he mutters at the feeling of your clenching around him, pounding into you harder and harder.

“Christ, Kaz!” You cry out and he follows you over the edge. Legs shaking and moaning loudly into your chest as he finally finishes inside of you. The sound he made almost sounded like a sob, a relief, and he goes completely boneless against you.

You just lay there. Both of you breathing gently as the afterglow settles in. You comb your fingers through Kazuichi’s sweaty hair, and he traces the lines of your collarbones with his fingers. Fascinated with all the parts of your body he has never had a close look at until now. He kisses the hollow of your throat, your shoulder, the skin just below your ear. Absorbing all of you. Committing you to memory.

“That was a lot better than the first date I went on today.”

Kaz laughs, “not that it was a hard act to follow.”

You laugh too, pressing a kiss to the top of his head, “Thanks for letting me stay.”

[negasonicimagines]

TEAM (Part Two)

I forgot to mention that this fic is partially inspired by Lorde’s “Team,” hence the title. Kind of about how no matter how much you and the other characters here bicker, you’re all on each others’ team.

This is the second part to TEAM (Part One) [but I hope that’d be obvious] and therefore is inspired by the same request and has essentially the same trigger warnings.

“So, you and Ellie, huh? About time,” Logan remarks, and you feel yourself blush.

“No! It’s not like that! I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d be the luckiest girl in the world, but, uh… No, it’s not like that.”

“Are you sure about that? I’ve seen the way you two are together. When she’s not looking at you or her phone, she’s watching everyone else like a hawk, like they’re threats. Honestly, Piotr’s worried about her.”

At the mention of Wade’s friend, you’re reminded of what Logan said before, about the thing that he knew that he shouldn’t tell her, the thing Wade also knew.

“What was that, anyway? The thing you knew that you didn’t know before that you would’ve told me if you had but couldn’t tell me?”

“I’m afraid that’s Wade’s business.”

“Great,” you remark. “So, I’ll never know.”

“Listen, kid, I know the stuff he said-”

“Screamed.”

“The stuff he screamed at you was pretty fucking awful. But… He had his reasons, okay? Being around him, being as close to him as you were was dangerous. It made you a target,” Logan explains.

“When will you people realize that I can’t die forever?! I’ve died plenty of times, and I always come back! Let me make my own decisions!”

“How many times have you died, Y/N?” Logan asks.

“It’s just… Hard not to starve when my mom kicks me out over school breaks, especially with the metabolism that comes with a healing factor. I can’t stay with Wade all the time, he has himself and Al to worry about. Muggers don’t like when you don’t have money. Mom doesn’t like me when I don’t have money. I don’t know, probably like eight or nine times.”

“You should’ve come here!” Logan scolds, and you want to curl in on yourself, just like before. “I’m sorry. He and I both know just how much dying can fuck you up, so, to hear you say that you’ve died.... And that you don’t care if you do? It’s concerning, to say the least.”

“Boo-hoo, Y/N’s crazy. Who isn’t?” you remark, annoyed at his concern. Men, they always think they know better.

He sighs. “Listen. You should just talk to him, I’m sure-”

“No,” you say, and it comes out as a whimper. The wound was still fresh. “I don’t want to.”

“Hey, he’s not gonna hurt you,” Logan reassures you. “He probably feels bad for what he said, and-”

“I said no,” you cut him off, but the sad tone in your voice doesn’t make you sound very convincing.

“And he’s not gonna apologize unless he thinks you wanna hear it. You know how Wade gets when he feels guilty, he doesn’t know how to deal with it.”

“Well, I don’t wanna hear an apology. I just want him to be my friend again, like before. That’s it. I don’t care to know why, or how, or whatever. I just miss my friend,” you admit, and Logan sighs.

“Okay...”

“Is it alright if I go? I wanna get started on my Chemistry homework.”

“Yeah,” Logan says. “Go ahead. See you next Wednesday. Or, sooner, if you need anything.”

You leave the gym, making your way to your dorm  with your head down, when you bump into a familiar red-suited man.

“Sorry,” you squeak, not even able to meet the eyes of the mask, before attempting to go past him. He stops you, grabbing at your shoulder, but you flinch away. “Please d-don’t…”

“Y/N…” Wade murmurs, filled with remorse at his rampage. He’d made you scared of him, which means it worked, but he regrets how much it hurt you. “I’m not gonna hurt you.”

“You’re not, huh?” Ellie, swiftly approaching, asks. “Pretty sure you already did, Deadpool.”

“I just wanted-” he starts, but Ellie, your avenging angel, cuts him off.

“You just wanted what, huh? To terrorize them more, is that it?

“Terrorize? I-”

“You what? Didn’t? Because as someone who sleeps in the same room as Y/N, I can confirm that you did. They cry in their sleep like they did the day it happened. Did you know that, that you made them cry? I guess you do now. So, leave, before I decide I’m going to follow you out the door and blow you to Hell.”

“E-Ellie, I said not to hurt him,” you quietly tell her, and she clenches her fists, grumbling.

“You did?” Wade asks.

“Of course,” you respond meekly, tapping the tips of your fingers together and avoiding the gaze of everyone around you. and Ellie places an arm around you, glaring at Wade without mercy.

“I’m- I’m so sorry, Y/N. I- I just didn’t know what to do, so much was happening. I was so angry at the situation, so scared for your safety, and I took all that aggression out on you, the one person I should’ve been channeling those feelings into protecting, and I- I know I already said it, but I’m a blabbermouth with nothing else to say, so… I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, kid. I know you probably don’t care, you just wanna start over and stay the hell away from me, but I’m sorry. And my door’s always open.”

“Thank you. I forgive you,” you nod, smiling a little, You’re already starting to feel better, more like yourself.

“You what?” Ellie questions, shaking with anger. “He hurt you. He shouldn’t ever be forgiven.”

“She’s right,” Wade agrees, head down.

“Well, it’s my forgiveness, and I can do whatever the hell I want with it,” you remind them, shrugging.

“There she is,” Wade says quietly, and you can somehow tell that he’s smiling. You don’t know if it’s body language, tone of voice, or what, but he’s smiling.

“I’m sorry for making you worry. I’m gonna keep living here, and I’m gonna keep taking better care of myself, so no one has to worry about me again,” you inform him.

“Wrong goal, but I appreciate the method. I don’t mind worrying about you, kid, but I’d rather worry about you not doing your homework than about the next time you’re gonna collapse on my porch, dead.”

“What?” Ellie wonders, and you groan. “Wait, have you died?”

“Goddammit, Wade,” you grumble. “She didn’t know that.”

“H-how?”

“Not important,” you tell her.

“No, it is, Y/N. You want all of us to get over the fact that you can die, but the truth is that you need to get over the fact that we care if you die,” Wade corrects you. There’s no malice in his tone, but the words themselves cause anxiety to slither out of the pit of your stomach like a snake and curl around your lungs and heart, maintining a tight grip.

“It’s because of you not eating or sleeping enough, isn’t it?” Ellie asks. “That’s what you guys were in that fight about the other morning, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” you admit, and Ellie closes her eyes, taking a deep, shaky breath and trying to remain calm for your sake, for her own sake.

“Right,” she responds, sighing. “Well, I’m not letting that happen again.”

“Challenge accepted,” you chuckle, and she rolls her eyes.

“I was just on my way back to Photography. Forgot my camera. See you later.”

She makes her way in the direction of the classroom, disappearing around a corner.

“Man, if she didn’t hate me before, she sure does now,” Wade says, and you smile, shaking your head. “Really?” he asks.

“Photography is Mondays and Thursdays… And she didn’t even have her camera.”

Wade scoffs. “Well, she’s definitely taking good care of you. I always knew she would, one day. When did you two finally make it official?  I’m sorry that I missed it.”

“We haven’t made anything official, Wade, she doesn’t like me like that. We’re just close friends.”

He rolls his eyes, going to playfully shove your shoulder, but you flinch away. He sighs.

“I’m sorry,” he says again. “I- I was so cruel, I just wanted to say whatever i could to get you away, to protect you, from m-”

“From what? The thing Logan keeps talking about?”

“What thing?” he asks, sounding a bit panicked.

“He keeps saying that there’s this thing he knows that he would’ve told me if he’d known before but he shouldn’t tell me now. It’s super weird, but he said you were going to tell me before you- You-” You stop yourself from continuing, still, shaking a little bit at the memory. It was only the day before yesterday.

“Yeah,” he responds quietly. “It was part of the reason I did that. I just- Us being friends was already dangerous, and you being- You- You’re- I- I’m so sorry I left you with her, if I’d known, if I’d known she was pregnant...I would’ve done the right thing! I’m not that kind of dirtbag, you’ve gotta believe me, and I’m just so, so sorry. Everything that’s wrong with your life, maybe it wouldn’t have happened if I’d just thought- If I’d just thought, but I was young, and stupid, and there’s nothing I can do now except own up to it, own up to the fact that I- I am- I’m- Oh, please…” He practically falls into you, wrapping his arms around your neck. You feel him shake with sobs, and you cry, too, but with a different emotion. Not regret, but happiness.

“You? You’re him?” you ask, and he readjusts himself, backing away from you.

“I’m sorry, I should’ve asked before hugging, I just didn’t think it was gonna be so hard, and you’re my best friend, and I- I don’t know, I don’t know. I’m so sorry that I’m your father.”

“You are? You’re sorry?” you ask, knowing that he’s apologizing because he regrets it, regrets you and your entire existence.

“Not in the way you’re thinking! You- You deserve so much better, I wanted so much better for you,” he reassures you, or, at least, attempts to.

“How do you even know?”

“I just… I talked to Xavier to see if he had any connections that could help me find your father, and he said he did, but he insisted that I give him a sample of my DNA to see if they match before he used his connections. I laughed it off, but then… it was a match.”

“How’d you get my DNA?” You wonder.

“Oh, I stuck a cotton swab in your mouth while you were sleeping. Wasn’t hard, you’re a really heavy sleeper,” he says, and you have a faint memory of the dream you had about a week ago where you were abducted by aliens that wanted to harvest your DNA to create genetically modified pet humans for their home planet. You laugh.

“So, you found out it was a match, and then… You were angry about it? Hated that the Wilson family legacy wasn’t going to end with you?”

“No. I was angry, yeah, but at myself. I was irresponsible, and my best friend in the whole world sufferred because of it. I never recognized your mom the times I’d seen her, and we had sex!”

“You had sex with my mom? Bro code violation alert!” you joke, and he chuckles bitterly.

“Right?” he responds. “But… I don’t even know where to go from here. Things can’t go back to normal, that’s not okay. I need to step up. And, even if it was the right thing to do, going back to normal… I get the feeling that you’re not gonna be that comfortable around me for a while. I was… I was just like my dad. My worst fucking fear.”

“You’re not him, okay? I promise.”

“I should be comforting you,” he says, stepping towards you. Out of renewed instinct, you step back. He’s heartbroken.

“Try- Try not to take it personally, I’m like this with just about everybody,” you attempt to make him feel better, but he shakes his head.

“You haven’t been like this with me, not before- Before I did what I did. Said those things, those awful, untrue things. Why did I say those things? They weren’t the truth, they were the opposite of it. I love hearing from you, it makes every day better. Finding you on my couch is a great feeling, knowing that someone as great as you trusts me, sees me as someone who can keep them safe.”

“And my memes?” You ask in a sarcastically accusatory tone.

“The funniest,” he replies. “Can I- Can I give you a hug?”

You nod, and he surges forward, wrapping you up in his arms and spinning you around.

“I always hoped it’d be like that,” you quietly admit, and he beams.

“Listen, we can talk later at dinner. I think you’ve got a certain girl you need to talk to, and she and her metal accomplice are approaching.”

“I think she’s his accomplice,” you correct with a laugh.

“Gotta bounce before the hardest guy on Earth ropes me into another mission. I’ll be back, though, kid.”

“Yeah. See you soon…”

“Wade’s fine for now, unless you wanna call me something else. We can negotiate later, ‘kay? Love you, bye.” Wade scurries down the hall, not realizing that he’s going towards the dorms, not the exit.

“Wade Wilson!” calls Piotr from behind you, and you turn around to see that Ellie is far closer to you than she is to Piotr, having gone faster on her smaller, lighter legs.

“Uh, hello…” you say dumbly.

“Based on your expression, I’d say that discussion went well.”

“Very well. Thank you for giving him the opportunity to talk to me alone, I’m sure you didn’t wanna do that.”

“I didn’t, but I figured it was the best option. Tell me more on the way to the dorm.”

“Well, uh… He apologized, a lot. Not just for the fights.”

“For letting you die?”

“No. Worse.”

“Holy shit, what’d he do, and why haven’t I heard about it?” She asks, tense.

“Because I didn’t know,” you reply defensively. “He’s- He’s my biological father, Ellie.”

“Whoa… Seriously? How long has he known?”

“I don’t know, but not long, the DNA tests were recently. He just wanted to help me find my dad and when he asked Xavier if he had any way of helping, the Professor said that he had to submit a sample to be tested. Turn’s out the old man’s hunch was right. You… You still wanna be friends, right?”

“Yeah, of course, why wouldn’t I?” Ellie wonders.

“I just- I know you don’t like Wade very much, and I’m technically his daughter, so…”

“So? That doesn’t mean I don’t love you anymore,” Ellie argues, and then covers her mouth.

“You love me?”

“Yeah, but just, like, in a friend way,” she plays it off rather smoothly, in her opinion, but you sigh in disappointment before you can stop yourself. “Wait, do you love me in a not-friend way?”

“Not really sure what you wanna hear,” you respond, feeling the recently-sealed cracks in your heart refracturing.

“Do you?” she asks.

You’re silent as the two of you walk to your shared dorm.

“Y/N, I asked you a question. Do you love me as a friend, or as more?”

You feel overheated and nauseous, that’s how nervous you are. You attempt to take some steadying breaths before answering: “More.”

“Oh, thank god…” she sighs. “I- I told you on Monday, when you fell asleep with me. But you were asleep, so, you didn’t hear me… Duh… I sound so stupid right now, don’t I?”

“No, not at all! Jeez, today just keeps getting better and better, I mean it!” You exclaim.

“Can- Can I kiss you?” Ellie asks nervously, and your eyes widen, but you nod. She takes your face in her hands and just goes for it, pressing her lips to yours. You respond immediately, wrapping your arms around her neck while her hands slip past your face and into your hair, tugging gently. You let out a small, quiet moan at that, and you can feel her smirk a little. She kisses you faster, pushing her body closer to yours, and your knees give out. She catches you in the nick of time, laughing a bit at how easily flustered you are as she nudges you toward the bed, sitting there with you. “Your knees are right, we probably shouldn’t rush into things.”

“Yeah…” you admit, resting your head on her shoulder.

“I love you…” She mumbles. “I’ve loved you for a long time, actually.”

“Same here. When did you know?”

Ellie replies: “It’s kind of embarrassing.”

“I can tell you first, if you want,” you offer.

“Yeah, do that…” She says.

“I just realized that every time I was upset, you were there, making me feel better. Even if you didn’t know it. Every time my mom hit me, or I got stabbed by an asshole mugger, or I was about to faint from hunger… You were right there. Making my life better just by existing.”

“I wish I could’ve been right there in person, to help you,” Ellie says, and you shake your head.

“That’s not the point. The point is that you did, without even trying. You always make me happy, without even trying.You just have to be there and everything is better.”

“That’s really nice… I feel dumb now,” Ellie confesses.

“It’s not dumb! Probably not, I mean…” you reply, nuzzling her chest a bit as you try to get a bit cozier.

“Um...You probably don’t know this, but I used to get in fights a lot before we met. And Piotr would always lecture me, telling me it wasn’t heroic to fight out of anger. That I should fight for something, not because of something. That I should be aware of the consequences that come with fighting, and truly think about them before I did. I never understood what he meant, and then we met and became friends… Then best friends…

“I didn’t even realize that before every fight, even the ones I was assigned, I’d think about how I was going to make the world a better place for you. I’d think about what you would think if you heard what I was doing. I- I made a mistake at one point, got angry over nothing and got into another stupid, pointless fight. It was the first time in awhile I’d heard Colossus’s spiel, and I realized my thinking process with every world he spoke. It all just made me think of how I feel about you. You’d made me a better person, more mindful of the consequences of my actions, my thoughtless, immature violence. That’s when I knew.”

“Oh, shut up! That’s way better than mine and not embarrassing at all! Show-off,” you remark, and she chuckles.

“That was fucking beautiful!” Wade wails from behind the door.

“I think I liked it better when you two weren’t friends,” Ellie comments, and you smile at her, shaking your head. She takes your hand in hers and squeezes gently.

“Oh, come on. You can’t hate him. I mean, I wouldn’t exist without him, for a few reasons. I mean, he’s the one who passed me the gene for a healing factor, even if his was recessive before. And, I mean, he’s the sperm donor either way.”

“I heard that!” he shouts, and Ellie smiles at you, planting another kiss on your lips.

You could get used to this.

[flamewyrmz]

a late night rant from twitter im putting in one place, because its a trainwreck of several threads there. mostly copy/paste and still not proofread, but a collection of thoughts on gender, sexuality, personal identity, and love and support within the lgbtq community. i do really lay myself bare here so id like to ask that if you disagree or have criticism you do so respectfully and with that in mind, thank you <3 and if this means something to you itd mean the world to me if you shared it

dunno if ive said this here before but like. if you think you might be bi/pan but youre on the fence cos maybe youve never had a crush on a nonfictional guy or get more crushes on guys than on girls and you find yourself tied up in knots like "well im gay but im also attracted to nonbinary people unless theyre mostly woman-aligned but i dont wanna say im bi/pan because then people will think i like girls and like i like them theoretically but--" let go. just say fuck it! im bi/pan! 

try it out and if it doesnt feel right it doesnt feel right and thats fine and in the end no matter what youll have learned a little about yourself. this is actually my advice on any gender/sexuality dilemmas you might be having. go wild. try it out. see how it feels. dont feel like you have to confine yourself to something just because youve stuck with it for some amount of time. 

if youre questioning dive right into the deep end! no matter how it goes youll be a better swimmer in the end. its all not quite rigid and a little fluid anyways (for some more than others obv) so if youre unsure, man... go for it. its ok to backpedal

--

this is important advice to me because ive struggled with it multiple times in the past and this has only recently clicked and i really wish it had sooner. first it was with being... not straight in general. like i was actively dating someone of the same gender and i never considered that that meant, uh, im not straight. always "do you like boys or girl?" "uhhhhhhhhh. uh. UH" 

then with being in the range of aro/ace spect. then with being nonbinary! then with being nb but primarily male. and then goddammit im just a boy. accepting that God I Love Men And Only Men (and with it that i *wasnt* aro or ace in ANY capacity) and then, very recently (like up until a couple months ago. like im p sure this year. not 2017), going back on that and admitting i was bi. it is so so freeing to just say "fuck it" and test those waters!

hell, you find something you resonate with but looks a little silly? go for it! use those bun/buns/bunself pronouns. go with stargender! ace-flux demibiromantic? hell yeah rock that shit! it can always change and you can always decide its not right and go back! h4y dudes

--

all of that especially goes for teens who dont know what the fuck theyre doing. im only 20 yea and barely 20 at that but man i wish id heard this sooner

and please dont take that as me saying "well if youre a lesbian sexuality is fluid and maybe youre actually bi"! hell no. if youre a lesbian and you KNOW youre and lesbian and couldnt ever be anything else then rock on you funky little lesbian! but if you id as a lesbian but are teetering on something like "well im attracted to some fictional and theoretical men but not any real ones and maybe its just compulsory heterosexuality but im not sure and--" dont be afraid to try a different label. its all what feels right to you and theres absolutely no harm

--

people bash on like. """mogai genders""" and nounself pronouns and the split attraction model and all that and like. yeah! those things can hurt people! personally i struggled with the split attraction bit combined with how broadly people define the ace spectrum. it can be used to hurt. and it is used to hurt. sometimes its deliberate, sometimes its not. but the hurt is there. but its not inherently good or bad. 

and yeah, some of it sounds silly. hell, it sounds silly to me sometimes! but to some people hearing that label makes everything click into place, even if just for a little bit, and i take that very seriously. it is one of the best feelings in the world and i want as many lgbtq people (of any age) to experience it. 

for some people it feels right to zoom waaaaaaay in and section it into lots of little bits and for others its "fuck it! i dont know shit! im just queer!" and those are both equally valid (that words been thru 12 garbage disposals but i cant think of a better one) maybe you go back n forth and thats fine too! as long as youre open to it changing or being wrong it cant hurt and, like i said, its one of the best possible feelings to have it click like that

--

as an aside: being bi can *totally* mean "im attracted to men and nonbinary people are long are they arent primarily woman-aligned" or it can mean "im attracted to everyone fuck it" personally? i use bi over pan because i feel like it better encapsulates that i *do* have preferences (i say this all the time but God I Love Men) but ultimately gender doesnt really matter to me cos everyones cute and hot and generally attractive and im not leaving anyone out because im just a little more inclined to kissing boys. but thats me!

--

as Another aside: i do still to some degree identify with uhh this is gonna sound contradictory but agender boy? or more like boy agender? boygender with left none? i just dont personally feel like its worth taking the time to explain over n over. but it used to be, for me, n i dont regret that a single bit! i wouldnt regret that even if i *didnt* still feel that way in any capacity. honestly? 

i dont regret any of the ways ive identified in the past even though feeling stuck and cornered into some got a little harmful to me (and if youve gone through somethin similar and DO regret it and wish youd never heard whatever term you used thats good too. im very strongly advocating for "use whatever labels you want and if it dont fit it dont fit" here but if they did hurt you and youre still hurting about it i understand 100% just dont use it to pull others down. if it concerns you say your piece and let them decide)

--

this is personally a little hard to admit so bear with me here 

honestly? ANY sort of strong identity didnt start developing in me until i was.... 14 or so? and very slowly at that. like gender evened out around 18 and sexuality just a few months ago LMAO. but up until i was a teenager i didnt really feel much of anything re: gender or attraction (and the attraction thing is pretty normal for kids and even teens tbqh!) 

and i just.... didnt really think about it! i had This Name and apparently was a girl and i didnt really get what it was like to BE a girl but thats what people said and i didnt know there were other options so i went with it! the name didnt bother me either (except for when people made jokes about a Certain Historical Figure with the same one. just thinking about that i get tired) 

and when it came time to actually grapple with the whole concept of being *into* people i just kinda... slunk away! no joke until like 10th grade if someone started a rumor that i was dating x or y had a crush on me i would start to avoid them entirely. lost a friend in 4th grade that way but then in hs hed turned into a TOTAL DICK so no loss there. i think part of that was also people making the assumption that i was straight though? big shrug! 

i didnt even realize attraction was a thing i had until i got asked out and just kind of "oh wow??? that sounds so nice??? i feel the same??? yes??" and thats WHY i went thru varying aro/ace labels. cos it unfolded slowly (which again is totally normal if youre a teenager, so dont worry about it if youre going thru that. roll with the punches. and if youre a teen and youve got it figured out? thats totally normal too!) 

and the gender thing was similar once i learned that it was an actual possibility (especially being nb, and ESPECIALLY especially being agender) i slowly just... poked at it until i figured something out (fun fact: what set me off to finally go "fuck it im not a girl at all" was being stuck in an awful hair salon chair while my mom got a haircut that took FOREVERRRRRRRRR and i was having godawful period cramps. like i knew not being a girl wouldnt DO anything about them but i made that decision then n there n didnt look back!) 

and then i kept pokin at it and watching it like the seed id planted finally started to sprout and i realized i didnt actually know what kind of seed it WAS. i guess ive always been very nebulous in those aspects and its just now forming into something solid. like i said, its a little hard to admit and i... dont think ive actually talked about this in this depth before to, like, anyone? 

because the "oh ive always known" narrative is the only one you ever see in popular media and sometimes even from the community itself! and theres nothing wrong with having always known! but theres also nothing wrong with being like me! but i still feel a little anxious talking about it like it somehow means im a sham. 

hell, id even go so far as to say i WAS a girl as a kid! i WAS varying shades of agender and nonbinary and ???? as a teen, and i AM, like, 95% a guy right now! maybe in a few years ill be something else. none of those things contradict each other. things like that can change! its not set in stone (but like i said: for some people it is! or, like, set in slime that you left out for 5 years so now its pretty much a rock but if you really try it still squishes into something else?? none of these things invalidate the others! were all unique). 

i wouldnt say that at any point ive been cis or straight, cos even when i just went with being a girl and stuff it was always a little ??? but, yknow. even if i HAD been those things at some point it wouldnt matter to me? things just are the way they are and were the way they were

--

im making myself really vulnerable here and my thought process is a mess and i ramble and repeat myself and my memory and attention span is like 2 seconds and i dont proofread but. its important i think. i dont have a lot of followers and fewer still thatre active but... that really doesnt matter. 

maybe someone will retweet at least one of these messy, messy threads. maybe link it to a friend. maybe screenshot it and post it on tumblr [note: LMAO YEAH AND ITS YOU DUMBASS], or to keep for themself. if any of my words help anyone out even a little then it matters and honestly? then its the most important thing in the whole danged world. if even one person sees any of the things ive said tonight and it means *anything* to them, even if just "oh, im not alone in this" then ive succeeded here. 

i dont want any of us to ever feel trapped or alone because shit! lifes too fuckin short for that! its goddamn hard being anything but cisgender and straight! sometimes it sucks! like really sucks! there have been so many times ive broken down completely over being trans and felt like, for myself, its the most awful thing in the world. its why prides so important. its why community is so important. 

because even when the pressure of the world brings you down so low you think youll never escape theres something or someone there to take your hand and pull you back up, put you on your feet, and say "i know its hard. and itll get hard again. but i believe in you, and youre strong enough for this, and im here with you through every step". that goes for anyone but especially goes for us. and im not just talking about lgbtq youth here. all of us. which is *why* im laying myself completely bare here. 

most of this stuff? ive either never talked about or only vaguely mentioned. but im putting it out there. because there was a point where i needed it but didnt have it, and even if its just one person, i want to give someone this advice so at least they dont have to deal with the same stuff i did. and if youre reading this? i love you. im here for you. im my dms are always open and if for some reason they arent its almost definitely an accident and if you say something ill reopen them. 

and if youre someone who hates me? maybe even mutually? if it came down to it id let you come to me at your lowest moment, no questions asked, no judgement held, and at the end of it still be the same kind of enemies we were before and never speak again. there are some exceptions of course but honestly ill forgive a lot for someone who needs that kind of support. and if youre one of the people this applies to, i know youll probably never take me up on it. i dont expect you to. i dont expect you to even for a second be comfortable with that idea. thats fine. but if for some reason you ever need it, its there. 

i can count on one hand the ex friends that i wouldnt give that to and thats ONLY because theyve legitimately hurt me and left lasting damage (and for some of them? its mutual. and im sorry for that, regardless of how i feel about your treatment of me im truly sorry for my actions. that probably sounds fake and anyway i digress) 

and if youre a complete stranger? someone who follows me but has never interacted with anything ive posted? a mutual i havent spoken to yet? im here. and im bumbling, and awkward, and not the best at comfort but you can always come to me if you need someone. im only one man and im under a lot of stress but i swear ill do the best i can, even if its only reading and replying 3 days later and even then just listening and offer whatever gentle comfort or reassurance youll accept. 

because thats important to me. thats the impact i want to leave on this world. i dont ever want anyone to feel as small, as scared, as worthless, as alone as i have. im no fighter. im not going to lead any revolutions and hell im too anxious to even go to protests but im here for support. im here to help and heal. and thats important too

--

and if you listened to that? thank you. if you just skimmed? thank you for that too. if you shared it with someone? thank you (so much). and if you dont? thank you anyways, just for the time

just know this: i love you. i dont care who you are, if youre reading this i love you and im behind you 100%. im here if you need it. stay strong, do something that makes you smile if only for a moment. take that leap of faith. dont restrict yourself for even a second

i meant to go to bed at least two hours ago so goodnight <3 be safe, drink some water, if you have any kind of pet give it some love. take care of yourself. youre the most important person in your own world and never forget that, even if you dont think you are. even if theres something or someone you treasure above everything else. dont diminish your own worth! you are alive, and you are here, and theres nothing more important than that, really. the things you love matter more than anything else. hold them close

[laurabaileys]

Sep 15, 2017: precursor.

I don’t understand how I wound up being the one who’s somehow in the wrong, but I should have expected it. You’re great at making yourself the victim and making the world seem like it’s out to get you. And these days I’m so fucking sad that things are turning out this way. But I’m also so fucking mad that you chose this path. That’s the thing that I don’t think you understand. YOU chose this. You chose your pride over our friendship the second you chose to ignore my engagement. You chose to sit in your silence and self-righteous anger. And then you chose to expect me to reach out to you. Instead of saying anything at all to me, I had to reach the end of my fucking rope before anything came out. I expected so much more from you as one of my supposed best friends. But if I’m being perfectly honest, our friendship has always been one sided. I’ve always tried so hard to make everything good and easy for you, I’ve always tried to listen to everything going on in your life long after you became a trigger for me. I killed myself in college staying up late to check on you because I loved you and because I cared so goddamned much. I did everything for you. You were my first priority for years. I couldn’t go to bed without telling you I loved you, or wake up without saying good morning. And I think that might have gone deeper for me than I cared to analyze. But it’s not like any of that matters anymore. You’ve got your own life to live, and thankfully, I have mine. I can’t continuously break my back for you and give you all the attention I used to, and I think our friendship suffered more because of that than anything else. Because I started putting myself before you. This is such a hard thing for me because I want so badly to make jabs and hurt you like I’m hurting but I don’t think you’d care. You like to freeze people out and make it seem like they were the problem. I’m sure you’ve already done that with me. I see the passive aggressive posts, the petty shit you have to say. At this point, I honestly wish I could just forget how to check on you. Because frankly, after everything, how fucking dare you

Original Post:

I’ve always been the type of person to check on old friends to make sure they’re okay, but you’ve got me on some bullshit. Yes honey, unfortunately there are things that will always remind me of you. I can’t wipe them from my memory. But the thing is, things will always remind you of me too. And my god, I hope it hurts. I hope you remember that you had someone who always fought to be in your corner, and that for whatever reason, you didn’t give a shit. I hope you wonder about me, and that you become curious and see how my life is progressing. I hope you ache over the lost invitation to my wedding, feel the gap at what would have been your presence in my children’s lives. I hope the reality of your decision to cut out what might have been a lifelong friendship really shakes you to the bone. Because as angry as I am, I am also heartbroken. Heartbroken over the pettiness and anger that’s been left in the wake of our friendship. And I’m sorry, but I’m not big enough to hope that it doesn’t hurt you, too. I hope it does.

1/11/18 - At this point, you’ve already read the first message. At this point, you’ve already made a post stating how you don’t care and then made your new blog right after. I had to add the above private post because I knew you weren’t going to care. I fucking knew it. But still I hoped. I miss you. And I’m angry at myself for missing you. I’m angry at myself for thinking about you at all. I wish I could separate myself from it all like you do. I wish I could keep myself from giving a shit. We were so close at one point. So close. And all for nothing. Goddammit Jen. I’m done being angry. Now I’m just sad. And it feels like that’s all falling into a void of nothingness because you don’t care. You just don’t care. I went into my old writing blog a few days ago and I found a bunch of posts I’d written while in college. All worrying about you, all talking about how I wanted to help you. I gave so much of myself to you…for what. I don’t know if I’ll keep adding to this post. I can’t imagine why you’d look at it again. I can’t figure out why you looked in the first place. I guess you’re still thinking about me too. This reminds me a lot of those Skype screenshots where the best friend died and the other best friend kept sending messages. How sad is that?

02/19/2018 - I am so goddamned sad today. There's so much that reminds me of you and so much that I want to tell you about. I think I had a miscarriage. I wanted to talk to you about that. I wanted to talk to you about everything. My job, my coworkers, Cam. You're supposed to be part of my life. I'm still dealing with the absence. It's been 6 months?? I'm just sad. Happy 27th Birthday babes. I really really hope you have a good day. I wish I had the guts to text you, but I'm scared of your reaction. I'll think about it.

05/10/19

I had a son. His name is Anduin Elliot. He was born on March 28th. Your mom and your sister both congratulated me. They both know he exists, what he looks like. I wonder if you do. My entire pregnancy came and went without you. This huge life change came and went without you. There was a card I got mid way through from some sort of advertising company trying to market baby things to me. They sent me a handwritten card with a bunch of coupons inside. The card was signed by someone named Jen. I can't describe to you the ache that the sight left in my chest. I cried over that stupid letter because I imagined what it might have been like to actually get a letter from you congratulating me on my son. My SON Jen. My heart still hurts every day. Sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm sad. Most days I just wish I could forget. But I can't. And I don't. I think about you every day. And for the life of me, I wish I didn't. I hope you think about me. I hope that theres a world out there where I get to share the most beautiful thing I've ever done with you. I hope that one day soon I can let go.

07/24/2019

I wish I knew how to stop checking up on you. It's like some sort of sick routine? I wonder how you're doing, I start to worry, then I check your blogs. I still hope for updates, I still hope to find out if you're doing okay. I still hope that you're happy. And in the midst of all that I'm resentful. I'm resentful that you are so in my head.

I saw your post about bringing your OC's back, that you weren't sure if you could write them without me. A really selfish part of me hopes you cant. That my ability to write with you is what made those characters what they are. Another part of me hopes that you will. I'm not sure if that's because I'm hoping you'll remember the good parts of our friendship and miss me, or if seeing those characters exist without me will help me just forget. I dont know.

One of your old friends reached out to me. I have no clue how she found me, or how she found this post. Probably did a little digging, but I guess you got into her head pretty good too. She told me that you two used to be really close, and then you cut her off without explanation. Do you do this to people? Bring them close and use them until you can't? Did you do that to me?

I dreamt about you a few weeks ago. I dreamt that we were at a house together, and that you were meeting Anduin for the first time. I could see you holding him and talking to him and I was so happy in a really distant way, like even in my sleep I knew it wasnt actually happening. It broke my heart when I woke up.

I dont know what the point of adding to this anymore is. Sometimes I think about what it would be like for you to reach out and apologize. Sometimes I wonder if we would even be able to bridge this gap. I doubt it. I'm just so good at holding on to the past and you were part of such an interesting part of my life. Its hard to separate you from it all. I'm waiting for the hurting to stop. It's a lot easier to be angry.

[tumblunni]

GODDAMMIT I CANT PICK A MARRIAGE

Rune Factory 4 why do you persist in having TOO MANY GOOD CHARACTERS I’ve narrowed it down to two but now i keep changing my damn mind again! I’ve decided I’m gonna see the marriages for the three characters I liked on different save files, but who should I marry first and go with for real on this save file?? i’ve run out of patience for waiting to pick a batchelor as the VERY LAST THING i do before I turn off the game, I need to do it now! I need to do it before I start this final bonus dungeon thing to rescue [spoilery dead character] from the afterlife. I WANT TO SHOW THEM MY CHILD WHEN THEY RETURN. And this game is SO LONG and cos of how semi random the skill levelling is, I dont think I’d have the patience to complete the same 20 so hours three times to complete all the savefiles, and it’d be really frustrating if I couldnt max out all the same skills on them :P SO YEAH GAHHH Need to FINALLY DECIDE between leon and dylas!

PROS N CONZ

Dylas:

* Has the most romantic chemistry in my opinion, and also my favourite main character after Arthur. (Tho I ended up not really feeling that ship so even tho hhe’s my fave batchelor he’s not the one I wanted to marry??) * is really fucking awkward adorable which is MY FAVE kind of ship! * also his romance route is primarily about cheesy romance rather than like.. lots of lusty flirty sexual attraction type stuff that I’m not really capable of understanding. * HAs a load of great character development and seems like he’d be the most happy to be with you. * is the coolest of the monster people, even if im still salty he doesnt look more like his monster form. They coulda just given him a unicorn horn and it would have brought the whole design together! * Marrying him would make me feel less salty sad that there’s no way to get him and doug to hook up when they are CLEARLY CANONICALLY BISEXUAL GEEZ * A minor con is that this would mean I have to play the rest of the game with the postgame cheat mode gay marriage thing switched on. Which could get a bit annoying since its just a character model swap and its a bit glitchy sometimes, but I like both genders of protagonist equally much anyway. i just feel slightly guilty thinking im somehow being disloyal to the one I picked at the beginning, but then again i literally only picked the girl because you cant romance dylas unless you’re the girl and GAHHH I was so happy to know you could cheat and have cheat mode gay marriage so IMMA GONNA DO IT * seriously its an option so i cant NOT take it * make up for lack of doug x dylas route by doing dylas x male protag * also dylas was the one I wanted to pick since before i knew anything about the game, he was my fave based on design alone and then his personality in his first scene was amazing and aaaa * also dylas’s romance route is REALLY TERRIBLE which is maybe a pro and maybe a con?? like.. i wanna marry him cos he had no plot and i wanna make it up to him, but i also DONT wanna marry him cos his route wasnt my favourite plot and aaaa why does my brain not make sense * also a pro: PORCOLINE * i get to officially marry into the restaurant fam! * i have literally got porcoline in my party right now while im holding the engagement ring, he needs to be there to see me pop the question! i just love this dad so much, i have to marry one of his kids * also I can pretend that arthur is still my friend and he isnt mad that i picked his brother over him and we can all be the best family ever

Leon:

* has the best and saddest romance route backstory thing that makes me feel so guilty if I dont marry him * is also my favourite design! like, dylas is the best monster but leon has the best human form design, i have no lil niggling complaints about how he looks like a wolf for no damn reason. * is the only bara character * ended up being surprisingly cute and genuine about his love and i actually really like the archetype of the flirty fake-playboy type guy who isnt the jerky playboy archetype but instead secretly adorable and shy when he falls in love for real! And its even better cos he’s a snarky overconfident trickster guy so its EVEN MORE CUTE when he drops his big facade and lets himself admit his emotions! * BUT admiteddly I still feel rather uncomfortable doing overly flirty innuendoy dating sims because I’m way too asexual to relate. I’ve had a few moments with leon where its just like... killed the moment kinda, and made me feel bad that im not the intended audience. This game makes me care about the characters so i feel just as awkward as when I’ve accidentally ‘led people on’ in real life in high school and had to super anxiously let them down. I just feel awkward even though I know that the character in-universe that I’m playing at probably isnt asexual, im still like ‘noooo i dont wanna trick him into a sexless marriage he wouldnt be happy aaaa’ * but also aaa he has the most chemistry with the female main character I think, he’s like the only one I think looks like a cuter couple with her, while I wanna ship dylas with the male mc. i just really liked a fanart I saw of them described as ‘fox and bunny’! thats totally it, her hairstyle just matches so well with an animal ears dude, and their colours have a good appeal together and stuff~ * Also i have more headcanons about what it would be like when they had kids and stuff! so thats a big appeal because getting to see the kid characters is the big reason i wanna marry a charrie * ALSO, its kinda... uhh... to put it lightly... well, Leon is literally the only dark skinned man in the entire world. SERIOUSLY. Rune Factory rarely ever has more than one character of a different race, and I just feel like if you’re gonna be so limited in your options I wanna pick that option like... maybe if they see they’re the popular ones then they’ll realise theyre making a dumb decision and add more racial diversity in future games?? or at least npcs?? seriously??? He’s not just the only dark skinned batchelor but THE ONLY CHARACTER IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. At least rune factory oceans had the whole dark elf race. (Tho that was weird that there’s apparantly no black humans in this world...)

GAHHH I DUNNO I JUST WANNA MAKE THESE DUMB BOYS HAPPY I wish i could have like a best friend option to select or something can I give a consolation prize... IM SORRY LEON OR DYLAS and IM SORRY ARTHUR and IM SORRY PORCOLINE IF I DONT MARRY YOUR SON

[ventagebyme]

to be honest being godly and thinking self-destructive thoughts is hard dude. like if were going to be 100 its a pain in my ass. like do i wanna do whats best for the lord? you betcha. but like i wanna make bad decisions ya know/ tl;dr i wanna just be super gay and have a gay boyfriend and be gay. which i can do ya know but heres the thing. 

why do i do the things i do ya know like im so clingy on the wrong people and who am i ya know these are just the #facts i just wanna give people the right amount of space without competely pushing them away and thats super shitty like idk i love rayne, rachel,, asia, lily, tiff, and grace “just a few ppl who are super important that this pertains too” but im sick of being the punching bag? like its annoying and shit like why in every group of friends is that me like tbh i know why but im lowkey over it because once you become the punching bag theres no backing out of it youre the punching bag forever ya know. and im the punching bag bc i always start yhe roasting but really thats because how else do i show love? was i raised another way? no i wasnt. but some ppl need to man the fuck up “cough” rachel “cough” like stop being so sensitive to your roasts ya know thats super annoying and fuck 

also ive been zoning out alot lately and thats kinda stupid and i hate it bc i always look weird and fake when i zone out and idek i gotta stop projecting theese fake things on my self bc i do it alot i just gotta focus more lol i gotta pul i together god. 

any way i miss wolfthal still which annoys me bc why should I? i dunno i have no reason to but when a person up and leaves your life you kinda get upset about it ya know and tbh im glad that i have nina and sadie as y people bc they are great and give me the information i need to move forward tbh and thats what i love. like in the best way possible if i lost all my friends except sadie and nina i actually wouldnt be that mad. upset yeah but mad? no not really. omg of like naybody but them saw this they woudl be PISSED lol succs to succ yall. 

N T way back to the basics im not suicidal now which is a :) i guess. being suicidal really has just become a state of being for me at this point so its all fine and dandy. 

but like i was talking to lloyd and i said something that really stuck with me “im self centered lmao” like january is the thriiving month for me because everyone gets all sad and im like WELCOME TO ME EVERYDAY BITCHES LETS GET WILD LMAO but i LIVE in those months ya know? 

also lets be for real what am i actually doing with my life ya know? like what direction am i moving in bc is it positive? im highkey kinda a mess adn if were going to be 100 yet again i need to get that on track 

also kaleb stop fucking around and fall in love with me goddammit im over it 

anthony it wouldn’t be bad for you to do the same so step yall pussies up damn 

again anyway ithink im gonna stop to read over this and go to bed bc its LATE but to wrap it all up 

not suciidal 

lonely 

no direction in my life 

im sick of being the punching bag (its mainly my fault im the punching bag anyway) 

nina and sadie are my faves 

i want a man BAD 

i like when the people around me ger close to the same level of sad as me 

i also enjoy being overly annoying and stupid and dumb and funny because it destracts me from how much i dont want to be in this body. (i wanna be on thise earth bc moss and tiny twigs and the water but this body can fuck off) 

thats last one is new HOW ICONIC 

bye future me bicth LMAOOOOOOOOO