#and everything's saying that this'll only get more frequent as time passes. until she does
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realising just how much of my overall stability relied on being able to regularly cuddle and hug and hold and also be hugged and held by my girlfriend
#plinking#and shes been in the hospital for the past two weeks likely with at least two weeks to go#been visiting her everyday since i knew because i legitimately dont know whens the last time I'll be able to see her#and theres so much more i can do to improve her immediate and future quality of life but ive been running energy deficits for so long it's#it's actually starting to affect my movement#been thinking of asking some friends to help with the first bit and have already acquired immediate consent from all fixed and tentative#parties but it still feels unloyal and greedy idk why#my gf had previously noted how much more reliant i was on physical touch than she was but still#used to fantasize about finding the eye of whatever god would let this happen to her and piercing through and ripping out what should'vebeen#that we could've died together peacefully of old age#but too tired lately to even think about that#and everything's saying that this'll only get more frequent as time passes. until she does#and it's only damage control from here on out. theres so many things i want to work on for her but it all costs so much time and money im#not sure I'll ever acquire. planning on getting training and certification for nursing once i get my degree to better take care of her but#not sure if I'll have enough time to.#im just. so tired#guh
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