#and everybody in hell knows you leave the prince's protege alone

[ishipgenfics]

Beelzebub doesn’t get summoned very often. 

When ze does get summoned, it’s usually by a bunch of uppity cultists looking for Satan. Since Beelzebub is the highest ranking demon with a summoning ritual, they get zir instead. Those guys are annoying.

Even so, it can be nice to talk every so often, to someone who isn’t bowing and groveling all the time. Okay, demons don’t really do groveling, but you can still tell the intent is there. 

Again: annoying. 

Also, humans aren’t Gabriel, which is an immediate point in their favor. So when Beelzebub feels zirself being dragged away from Hell, ze doesn’t try too hard to fight it. 

Ze rather wishes ze had when ze sees who the summoner is. 

“Oh Satan,” ze mutters. “It’zz a kid. 

Beelzebub doesn’t deal with kids. No demons deal with kids, since most of them end up going to Heaven anyways ever since that Jesus fellow sorted out the one useful thing Crowley ever did.  And also, most kids aren’t going around summoning arch-demons. 

The kid in question looked nervous, as they should. This circle was sloppy, and the only reason ze hadn’t broken out yet was from utter confusion as to what the Hell this kid was doing. The kid spoke. “I want you to help me with my parents.” 

Beelzebub raised one eyebrow. “I’m a demon. I don’t help people. Not without a prizzzzzze.” Ze turned the buzzing up, just for the intimidation factor. 

The kid scoffed. “I know that’s not right. You invented pronouns, didn’t you? You can help my parents respect mine.” 

Beelzebub rolled zir eyes. “Yeah, I did invent pronounzzz, but it wasn’t to help out people like you. It wazz supposed to use sloth to create wrath, making the people who cared about their pronouns angry when other people didn’t uzzze them right. But I didn’t make these weird gender role thingzz you have nowadays, and I certainly didn’t make pronounzzz into a source of pride. The Heavenly kind, I mean, not the sin. That was Azzziraphale.”

“Aziraphale?” The kid pronounced the word awkwardly.

“Angel of queer people, something something. You’ve never heard of him?”

The kid shook their head. 

Beelzebub sighed deeply. “Look, I don’t have time for thizzz. Just tell your parents that you zzzzummoned Beelzebub, Arch-demon of Hell and ze was very terrifying blah blah blah. I have work to do.” Or well, supervising other demon’s work, but that was still work. Probably. 

The kid put their hands on their hips. “You’re messing with me.” 

“Of course I am,” Beelzebub purred, before realizing ze actually wasn’t. “Wait, what? What am I mezzing with you about?”

The kid threw their hands up in the air. “Oh come off it! A demon uses the same pronouns as me? Really? “

“Wait,” Beelzebub said slowly. “You use zzzzzze/zzzzzir pronounzzzz?”

“I do,” the kid said. Beelzebub could almost admire zir confidence. 

“Well,” Beelzebub said, stepping out of the circle and laughing as the kid squawked and ran into the corner in a panic. “That changezzzz some thingzzz.”